No-Blog

I've been rushing here and there today, with very little time at the computer. There's a lot to say, but it will have to wait.

For now, here's what my new little (first) nephew looks like:



... and here he is with his (first) cousin, my son Jason!



My brother (the new dad) is so chuffed he can't stop smiling. His teeth are drying out... :) His wife somehow managed to "push from the wrong end" and her eyes are bloodshot from all the tiny bloodvessels that burst in the process!

But they, and us, and all involved, are pleased as punch at this new little Bainbridge, who looks so much like his dad it's scary - right down to the receding hairline...

Hallelujah!!!

"Return of the King" is out on DVD/video! I saw the DVD advertised for R199 last night and just emailed my neighbour, who sent back a "S**t, I just bought it yesterday for R249!" Shame, poor guy... :)

I'm trying to decide whether to get it on DVD or video. We will only get a DVD player near the end of the year, but DVDs last longer than videos and have more stuff on them. And for a hundred bucks more than the video, they're not too bad... (in our currency at least...). However, a video we can watch and re-watch right away and pass on to the rellies (relatives) who also don't own DVD players!

Whatever I decide, it's going to have to wait a while. My son's birthday party is next weekend, which will take a large chunk of our monthly cash supply as usual, in addition to the prerequisite presents and stuff. We're once again inviting the entire population of boys in his class, around 20 of the beasts, and this year it's a "Dragons and Knights" party. I have great fun hosting them. We've done Australian Swaggie, Spooky Ghosts, Egyptian Treasure, Volcano & Dino's and a good few others. Tiring, but worth it when his friends can't stop discussing it for weeks and his social ratings shoot sky-high... :)

This weekend will be spent in planning our event, in between a belated baby-shower, monthly grocery shop, trip to Cape Town, last of the school church visits, and a spot of sleeping in. I'm gonna need a weekend after this!

Travelling to Cape Town

The road between us and our destination this afternoon is fraught with dangers - it's been nicknamed the Hell Run. There are stonings, and hijackings, and speeding reckless drivers.

So to find this on Our Daily Blog this morning was not the best thing... :)

VERY soon your life here will end; consider, then, what may be in store for you elsewhere. Today we live; tomorrow we die and are quickly forgotten. Oh, the dullness and hardness of a heart which looks only to the present instead of preparing for that which is to come!

Therefore, in every deed and every thought, act as though you were to die this very day. If you had a good conscience you would not fear death very much. It is better to avoid sin than to fear death. If you are not prepared today, how will you be prepared tomorrow? Tomorrow is an uncertain day; how do you know you will have a tomorrow?


Lord, you're gonna have to surround us with angels as we travel... Please?

(We're driving through to see the new little Bainbridge, then will have to fight our way back through the late-afternoon rush hour traffic. Not my favourite time of day or place to be!)

A Family Church - Church Family

Matthew from Correction has a beautiful post on church as family today. I want one too! A group of God-followers who feel like home.

After 2 1/2 years at my current church, I'm still an outsider. Sure, I know some folk (mostly the worship team and pastors), can greet familiar faces in the mall, but it doesn't go much beyond there. Before and after service, everyone grabs their nearest friend for a chat. Many times I've hoped it would be me, but it usually isn't and after hanging around a bit I just leave out the side door.

Maybe I haven't done enough to really fit in. Not intruded on the nearest week-night cell, and am too shy to go up to people and introduce myself, demand their attention. At last year's church camp I only met one new person out of the 70 that were milling about.

Shame, poor me. Yeah right.

The fact is that church is not generally set up to feel like family, especially one that has a few hundred members. It's just not statistically possible, or practical.

Maybe the key is the smaller-type church community that Matthew talks about in his post, where everyone knows everyone and interacts easily - simply because there aren't that many people around.

Or one like Real Live Preacher's (also known as Gordon Atkinson after having "come out from behind the blog" ahead of his book being published) - also a small one. He often tells of kids hanging on his legs while he preaches, members who share in each other's lives and care deeply. It's made me wish I could drop in for a visit.

Maybe it's the LivingRoom type church - a gathered group without an official building, but learning to live and grow and learn together.

It's the kind of church we all long for, all of us who are longing that is. One where someone cares enough to disciple you, to be your mentor, to dig into life with you every day and explore its meaning together. To spend time getting to know more than the "Hi how are you" you.

The secret ingredient to making church like family is often illusive, hidden behind ministries and rushing around and programmes and good works. It would be awesome if more churches would actively dig to find it and leave the other stuff until they do.

Maybe then, having stepped out of where we were, Matthew and I would more easily find those places and people where our souls long to be.

Emerging Church Thoughts

Just found this quote. It gives a hint at why the Emerging Church phenomenon still seems mainly a Western, Northern Hemisphere, "rich" country, non-Third World movement. Still mulling its implications, but here it is:

"If we look beyond the liberal West . . . , largely still without the saving grace of technology, we find . . . [a] very different Christianity from that one called for in affluent suburbs and upscale urban parishes. We find a church that is highly supernatural, ultraorthodox and inclined to see Jesus as the embodiment of divine power who overcomes the evil forces that inflict calamity and sickness on the human race. In the global South--the part we used to call the Third World--there are huge and growing Christian populations--more than 500 million in Latin America, nearly 400 million in Africa and nearly 325 million in Asia, compared with a rapidly declining 215 million in North America. Some scholars are beginning to call it the Third Church, a form of Christianity far more distinct than Roman Catholicism is from Protestantism or Orthodox. The revolution . . . taking place in Africa, Asia and Latin America is far more sweeping than any current liberal shifts in North America, be they Catholic, Anglican or Protestant. No matter what the terminology, however, an enormous rift seems inevitable, far greater than the first reformation which changed forever the face of Europe in the sixteenth century."

"The changes that liberal reformers are trying to inspire today in North America and Europe," McCullum said-changes they see as "essential if Christianity is to be preserved as a modern relevant force"--such changes "run utterly contrary to the dominant cultural movements in the rest of the Christian world."


Food for thought, especially for someone living in Africa....

::thoughts::

Does this reformation run contrary to the reformation happening in the emerging church host-countries? Is it going to split us right down the middle and create an ever-widening gap? Is the Emerging Church ever going to be the culturally relevant movement it strives to be when it's not actually within these cultures? Will it's use of the internet, high-cost technologies, costly practices and gatherings (as seen by those who struggle to just survive daily elsewhere) seperate it from those it's trying to reach?

Or is there more in common with the emerging church, in spite of it's technological supremacy? Is the emerging church returning to the same orthodox and mythical roots that is underpinning the Third World revolution? Will this actually bring North and South together as a united Christianity?

What will it take to keep us together?

Yes, but... (long, long post warning!)

I've just been reading two online articles about doing church in a way that is welcoming and friendly, for visitors and kis.

A year ago I would have "yessed" everything they said, but unfortunatley (fortunately?) things have changed, my perceptions are way, way different. Now it's not plain "yes", rather a "yes, but...". I've come to realize that I think very differently about what church is and isn't these days, what works and what even should be attempted. In stepping back from the world-over traditions of how the denomination does things, some of them just don't make sense anymore, I can see another option. So I "yes, but" things.

Yet, I can see how some of the suggestions and thoughts will help those who need the church routine and are actively trying to make it a better experience for all involved. I honestly do salute their efforts.

::the "meat" of the post::

Some examples from the articles, followed by my thoughts (read at your peril!):

"Two little girls (one 4, the other about 4 or 5) are sitting in the row in front of my wife and me in this church of about 200. Bored as the service proceeds, they begin leafing through the church hymnal (of all things) for "entertainment." I sit there wishing with all my heart I had a Bible storybook with pictures to place before those little eyes, hungry for something to read, something uplifting to look at....on their left is a young lad (of about 11 or 12), probably big brother. Suddenly noticing how much fun they are having with the hymnal, he orders them to close it at once, and they obey. But with nothing else to occupy their time, it isn't long before they open up the exciting book again, causing the youthful vigilante on their left to terminate the delinquent activity once and for all. He confiscates the offending volume and slams it shut. How sad! I thought. And sadder yet if that boy's behavior reflected the way he himself had been treated when he was the girls' age. There are all kinds of materials out there to help parents make church attractive and fun for the younger members of God's family."

Yes, but - shouldn't church be a place where people can grow and learn and enjoy being present, being appreciated, from the very youngest to the oldest? It's not enough to just entertain our kids - they are not the future of the church, they are it's PRESENT! And they need inclusion in everything! They need to understand what is said, participate and enjoy being there.

"If I've seen this once, I've seen it 100 times. It's about the microphone! Why so many of our churches neglect to invest in a good sound system, I will never understand. After all, about the most important piece of equipment needed for corporate worship is a good sound system. What good is coming together if worshippers can't hear--or are missing 35 percent, 50 percent, of what's being communicated? And have you noticed (and this is so freaky) how often microphones behave as if they consciously were out to sabotage the sermon--even in places where the sound system's fine? In one gathering I actually saw a sound technician go to the front ten minutes into the speaker's message. Replacement mike in his hand, he ascends the rostrum (the speaker meanwhile holding forth with the defective mike); taps the new mike to test it; and hearing nothing, actually speaks into the instrument (now live): "Testing, one, two." all this, while the preacher struggles to hold the attention of the 700 people in front of him.
Once the preacher commences the delivery, it seems to me, that's sacred time, to be intruded on with the utmost of care and only when absolutely necessary. Awkward and unnecessary interruptions can cause a speaker to lose their stride and never get it back. This means that stringent testing of the sound system should come before the speaker takes the podium."


Yes, the sound is important, and this is a bit of a horror-story - but:
1. Is it more about the preacher "losing his stride" than the people connecting with God? Is the sermon really so sacred that nothing should interrupt, even if it would mean a greater explaination of God's message? Where does dialogue and interaction come in?
2. If we were doing church properly, would churches be 700-strong? Would we have to worry about holding attention, about losing people during the one-man exposition? Would we even need a microphone?
3. But if a microphone is a necessity because of church size, would it be better for folk to strain to hear you, or for you to step back and let the problem be fixed so they can hear, without trying to compete for attention?

"The last hot meal I'd had, as I arrived in this particular country, was Friday midday. I'd been looking forward to a good lunch before I'd have to preach again in the afternoon. But as I plunged into the dish set down before me, I discovered the food was beastly cold. Evidently, in that place they were carrying out the injunction to the letter not to kindle a fire on the Sabbath. They may well have been more righteous than I was, but one thing was sure: the hunger I'd been feeling suddenly disappeared. I had to face the afternoon meetings on an empty stomach (even if, perhaps, with a clearer head). But the question is: Regardless of our own local ways of doing things, how do we finesse the situation when we're entertaining guests from another culture, even from another part of the world, perhaps? I don't have the answer, but I throw out the question."

Yes we have the "hospitality" - but where does "hospitality at the expense of our guests" come from? Is obeying the letter of the law to some more important than practicing love to others? OK, I'm aware that cultural interpretations differ immensely - and the indication that this was a country other than the speaker's home country indicates it - but it bugs me that we would put ritual and "rightness" over doing the best for our fellow-man.

"In one church someone made what I considered one of the most brilliant offering calls I'd ever heard during a divine service. Speaking about what he called "deep vein" giving (giving that comes from inside), he said, "You can give without love, but you can't love without giving." Coming to his dazzling conclusion, he said (and I wrote it down): "Stewardship is the art of organizing our life so that God can spend it." The audience was impressed almost to applause. The man sat down, and the offering plate immediately came to him in full view of the congregation that had just heard him; he passed it on empty to the next person."

There's hardly an option for a "yes, but" here, just an "oh dear"! It's one thing to do church, it's another to do life for God - in every aspect. Giving to a church organization may come into question by many who have stepped away from the organization, but giving to God in so many ways, including money, is something we should never put off. It's Being instead of Doing and should be a natural response to what God has done for us. And leading others by example is only one aspect of it. Poor guy - hope he learnt something from this article, if he ever got to read and recognize himself in it!

May our words and actions line up, every minute of every day of every week...!

"Provide children's church for ages 3-10, once a month or at least once a quarter. The pastor can save his deepest thoughts for these Sabbaths!"

Yes children need recognition and something they can relate to, but what about all those other weeks? Do the kids feel a part of the church family? Do they know they're appreciated and not just tolerated/entertained? How about a totally new way of doing church, where the kids are a full part of the community and their words matter?

"Use children's tithe envelopes. The pastor can read off the names of children who tithe, honoring their faithfulness. When a kindergarten child tithes for the first time, mention it as a grace note in church. Research the source of the money being tithed so you can tell where it came from (birthday, allowance, etc). Honor the receipts for just pennies and nickels. Someday the same child will be faithful with thousands of dollars because their stewardship is affirmed today."

Another "oh dear Lord no!" I'm afraid. Yes, it's good for children to learn to give, but this way? No, I don't think so. Are we really trying to cultivate big tithers to support our business, or create kingdom-givers who will give as a love response to God, not only / necessarily to a church organization, but to all those who are in need?

"Tell stories to illustrate points being made throughout the sermon. Adults will also appreciate these windows that let in the light."

Yes, but how about the sermon being COMPLETELY a story? How about restoring the lost art of the narrative, and allowing interaction? Not just throwing in a story here and there, after which the congregation can go back to wandering-mind-status.

::the good news::

If you've made it thus far in this post, let me list a few of the very good suggestions, comments and observations that came out of these articles, the "just yesses", good for churches who gather in a church building once a week and want to be relevant to all:

"Plan memorable experiences that help them understand a sermon's abstract concepts. Making a massive ice cream Sundae or a humongous baked potato with generous toppings can demonstrate the extravagance of God's love.

Use a version of Scripture that people today understand.

Have families come up as a family to do part of the service.

Involve children in the service.

Use drama. For instance, while the Scripture is read, have teens pantomime a skit that parallels the Scripture in meaning.

At a church in Alexandria, Virginia, earlier this year, I heard "In His Image," a visiting quartet from Washington, D.C. They sang a beautiful Negro spiritual, followed by a powerful, powerful rendition of the well-known hymn "O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go." I would travel far just to hear them sing those two pieces again! The audience could hear every word, and the harmony was so rich, so compelling, that the congregation sat on the edges of their seats, amens and applause at the ready. It reminded me that it isn't how old or how contemporary the particular piece; but the talent, the competence, and the personal surrender we bring to it.

At a church in southeast Washington, D.C., I ran into a posse of junior deacons in action. This week there was a potluck in recognition of these young leaders (all of them between 9 and 14 years of age). On hand at the potluck was an officer from the Washington, D.C., metropolitan police, himself a (senior) deacon. Apart from the respect and confidence created in developing minds by having a real officer of the law up close and personal, these youngsters received words of encouragement from him, a graphic portrayal of some of the challenges and perils of living in a huge metropolitan area like Washington, and advice about becoming role models in their church, their school, and their community. Can anyone think of a more uplifting and farsighted thing to do for the youngsters of our church? I left the place thinking, Wow!"


::and finally::
In a way I'm torn between the "in church" and "out church" views - wanting to see improvement among those who need a weekly routine as part of their faith, and knowing that there is another way that speaks to the non-routine folk.

I rejoice when my dad's church plans to host a post-modern worship seminar, includes interaction in the services, experiments with prayer stations, meets 7 days a week for fun, fellowship and food, and is growing so much that they'll be planting a second group soon!

And I rejoice when I hear of folk stepping out of the expected, taking up Christian community living, relating to their fellow-travellers and seekers outside the bounds of a church organization.

There is good and bad in both ways of living the Christian faith. There is room for improvement in both, there are things we can learn from each other. There are passionate God-lovers and passive seat-warmers in both groups.

It's pretty easy to be critical, and perhaps I have been in this post. It's easy to say "don't you people know better?" and point the finger at faults. It's harder to acknowledge the good and encourage growth toward God. It's harder to accept people for who they are, what their needs are, and where they are on their God-journeys.

Many times I want to share what I've learnt with the traditional folk I'm surrounded by, but I know that my way of seeing is not the way everyone else sees. I think things that may go completely against the grain of someone else.

All I can do is allow God to work on my heart to lovingly correct if He asks me to, to encourage always, and to live MY life as He guides me.

Serenity Within

To the Google searcher who was looking for "serenity within written in elvish", here it is:



I kinda like it myself, now that I see it...

Exciting stuff!

OK, maybe not for you, but for me!

My sis-in-law is currently in labour with my first nephew! She was due June 21, but little Ethan seems to want today to be his birthday. Anxiously awaiting news from the hospital, but apparently so far so good.

Wow - this is so exciting / scary / cool / amazing! I'm gonna be an aunt soon!

Unfortunately her babyshower is supposed to only happen this weekend!... Seems it will be a BABY shower after all! :)

::update::
Although three and a half weeks early, Ethan Grant Bainbridge was born without problems. Natural birth, weighing in at 3,1kg and 48cm long. Both mother and father are exhausted but over the moon. Unfortunately we'll only get to see him on Friday afternoon/evening, but there is much rejoicing worldwide in the Bainbridge family!

Random thoughts

I'm having a quiet day today. Not too much concrete stuff to blog on, so am going to throw out a few random thoughts.

* Notice how there are a load of Big movies these days? Epic tales with heroes and villains, good vs bad. Lord of the Rings, Troy, Alexander, Van Helsing - all of them sword-in-hand save/change-the-world movies. I wonder what that says about our society today. That we're missing the days when we had a cause? That we need to refind a hero? That not enough folk see God as one and are trying to find pride/passion in an earthly one? Still mulling this.

* Just saw the Shrek2 preview. Still laughing! Unfortunately we're well behind the rest of the world for release dates, but when it hits here, I've got to take my son to watch it. I need a good laugh-till-you-cry.

* I've apparently been assimilated into the computer department, thanks to being the local WebWoman. So I get to eat out at a snazzy new restaurant with them in a few minutes. Good thing too - I'm jolly starving!

* More later...they've come for me! :)

::update::
Lunch was GREAT! We ate a lot of really, really good food and had enough left for takeaways for supper. Good company too and a superb waiter (or "waitron" as they're called these days). All their employees are certifiably nutty, madcap blokes. Gave us a good few laughs with our meal. I'll be back there! Especially as they have a reading/coffee area with a wall of books and a big-screen TV for those who just want to hang instead of eat at a table. I think I'll be dropping Dad off there while Mom and I shop later this year - it's part of the local Mall complex! :)

Becoming

"By beholding we become changed." And by listening, and reading, and experiencing, and thinking.

Becoming is a journey. You may not know what the destination is, but there is something on the horizon you're heading toward. It's a leaving of one place to go to somewhere else, and all the experiences that form you on the way there.

Looking back I can barely see where I've come from. The beginning is hidden behind winding turns and dark forests and rocky hills.

There are some things I can see - I can pinpoint big ones that have kept me going this way instead of turning off on another path. There was "becoming a single mom aged 21". There was "parents move to Australia". And "discovered blogging". There was "first internet connection and fascination with what's out there". And "take a step of faith into a strange church". So many...

All signposts that have helped shape this direction toward a fuzzy destination.

If I'd missed just one of them I wouldn't be here now, the me that I am. And yet I'm still growing and changing every day. The things I learnt this weekend expanded my perception of worship just a tiny bit, but have the power to head me off in a different direction. The choices I make this month with my newly-deposited paycheck might determine where I'll be a year down the line. What someone says on their blog today may open up a new journey of discovery for me. It's not a boring trip and no-one's threatening to turn the car around.

I feel a bit like a flower unfolding, petal on petal, the final product not yet known. Bits of fragrance spreading with each petal that opens. The colours are changing too - old petals faded and fallen, new ones vibrant.

I like Becoming.

This world is not my home...

I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to look to a home beyond this planet and remember that it won't be much longer...

I've lived in a small, not-at-all-maintained, one-bedroom flat for nearly 9 years now. The walls are mouldy, there are mushrooms growing behind the couch thanks to faulty damp-seal. My employer keeps promising a new house, a bigger place where my son doesn't have to sleep behind a couch in the lounge as "his bedroom". Room for me to actually have people stop by for a meal, room to breathe - where I don't have to hear every footfall (and other things) of the neighbours.

2 years ago the employer started building new houses. They're not done yet, but have been allocated to others. I missed out because it was assumed I would be moving to Australia.

I was hoping to be reconsidered for one of the two places - until yesterday. The new houses have now had their entire yards bricked and cemented over, giving no chance for a garden or a non-sterile space to be outside in God's creation. Besides the fact that they're built entirely of styrofoam, plastered over (which I could overlook as long as no-one started an oven fire...), this is just plain bad news. I have to wonder if the builder hates plants - he cut down a beautiful almond tree that wasn't in the way of anything, and now has permanently squashed any chance of a bit of grass or anything! As nice as space inside is, I can't live without green around me.

I'm really sad that they have done so many destructive things, so many no-thought things, while building these places, when there was potential for a great living space. (I hope they read Seven Keys to a Christian Home before they start the next batch!)

I'm frustrated that I will need to make do where I am indefinitely. With my parents coming out from Australia for a month later this year, it would have been nice to accommodate them in "style", in a room of their own that wasn't mine - but it seems it will be back to sleeping on the couch for me and living around each other in the little space we have.

I wish I could afford a house of my own. I wish I earned enough to even have that possibility. But houses in this area don't go for less than half a million bucks unless you're living under the power lines or next to the slums - way, way beyond my means. Houses for rent would cost most my monthly salary. I have to choke down jealousy when I hear of folk in the church buying a new house just to move nearer the church and their responsibilities there, or living in mansions they take for granted.

I'm stuck. No options.

Which is why I have to keep reminding myself that this world is not my home. And that God is planning something for me that is beyond my wildest dreams, more than I could hope for or dream of.

I need to count the present blessings of a roof over my head while others live in shacks. And let that frustration just drift away. Oh, it's hard. But if I don't it's gonna eat me alive.

The Memory of Trees

One day I would like to learn how to create objects of wooden beauty such as these:




They're done with a wood-turning lathe. The first one is a bark-on jacaranda-wood bowl, turned from the side of the trunk instead of up-and-down. The second is a turned jar from discarded wood, with an uneven rim, and the third is a hollow turned vase from a tree that has been infected by a fungus. Very mushroomy! :)

I love these! The wood grain shines through and tells the story of the tree - exposes its memory, if you will. My kind of stuff - though my sis-in-law prefers her wood painted over and stained to death. Me, well I like natural beauty better, love to feel the texture and ponder its history.

In another life I'll take up wood-turning as career.

Or learn to VJ.

I See People

Everywhere I went this weekend I saw people. I didn't see a group of same-beliefs, or odd-one-outs. I saw individuals, each with their own characteristics, mannerisms, perspectives. I saw God in each one.

Perhaps it's because I've stepped back from being in a leader-position, where one's view is generally of a sea of anonymous faces while perched high up above them on the stage.

I'm down among them now, seeking community and connection. I'm looking at their heart as it relates to my heart, and I'm finding we're the same. Those boundaries, those critical perceptions I held are but mist - they vanish if you take a step closer. I find myself wanting more time to spend getting to know each person, to put aside past differences and hurts and really know the person inside.

I saw individuals who are each on a journey, and that we're trying to head in the same direction. Our paths may differ, but they're parallel. We can reach over and touch each other as we walk. Sometimes the paths merge, and sometimes they wander further apart, but we're all going the same way. There's less that seperates us than unites us.

I felt connection - with the guy who I haven't gotten along with since he started working here 5 years ago, with the older woman who may have judged me but didn't, with the parent sitting outside smoking and waiting for his kids to finish their involvement in the church programme. I saw God in each one, felt that connection of light to light.

I think I'm changing. Slowly, surely, changing.

Shabbat Shalom

Great and Eternal Mystery of Life, Creator of All Things, I give thanks for the beauty You put in every single one of Your creations.

I am grateful that You did not fail in making every stone, plant, creature, and human being a perfect and whole part of the Sacred Hoop.

I am grateful that You have allowed me to see the strength and beauty of All My Relations.

My humble request is that all of the Children of Earth will learn to see the same perfection in themselves.

May none of Your human children doubt or question Your wisdom, grace, and sense of wholeness in giving all of Creation a right to be living extensions of Your perfect love.

Thanksgiving Prayer – American Indian

Blast from the Past

Once a year my son's school does a tour of the local Seventh-day Adventist churches (it's a church-run school) for promotion, giving them a special programme with song and drama, verse and visuals.

Tomorrow is such a day. Us parents get to do transport and support - armed with cameras and cars.

I haven't been to an SDA church since my mother was here last April, mostly because I needed something more from a church gathering that wasn't on offer in the churches in this area. They're very conservative and traditional, I didn't really fit in, I was looking for freedom in worship, visible enthusiam, excitement for God - so I went elsewhere for my corporate worship.

Tomorrow I get to go back to the churches I've come from.

I wonder how my perceptions will have changed since I was last there. I wonder what I'll see differently, and what I'll see as unchanged. I wonder how my learning curve will affect what goes on inside as I enter these buildings, whether I'll be judgemental or open to notice what God's doing in spite of the problems I think I see. I wonder if I'll feel that old resistance to routine, or be able to let my heart hear the love people have for God through, and in spite of, the routine.

Resignation Update

Last night, just before worship practice, I stuck my resignation envelope on the assistant pastor's desk, then had a chat to my friend Cathy - who I have been very scared to tell of my decision.

I told her my reasons for leaving, and what I had done as far as giving notice and handing over my responsibilities, what I feel God has been asking me to do and why, still scared to hear what her response would be. The worship team, music, has been the base on which our friendship took off.

She was quiet at first, but then said, "I have complete peace about this. I feel it's right and good for you to do." And that peace spread to me too!

She has a much closer connection to God than I do, and if she feels that this is the right decision and God isn't telling her otherwise, I know it's right. I've always trusted her intuition in God-stuff.

She asked, "Am I still going to see you?" Of course she will. If this doesn't get between us, it can only help us grow as friends. She understands me as few do. And I think this will enable us to speak of more than just the worship team when we meet up or call each other. To get a bit deeper into each other's lives.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm no longer scared that this might be the wrong thing, that I'm going to alienate those that I deeply care for. I need them as support and community, but feel free enough now to move forward on this journey.

Creative God-time

Every Sabbath my son and I try do something creative for our God-time.

Before Easter we created our shrine and filled it a little more each week.

A few weeks ago we read about the Kingdom of God being like yeast in a batch of dough - then we went and made a wonderful whole-wheat loaf and watched the parable at work while we talked about how we can be yeast, and help the whole community rise up for / to meet God.

This week I'm stealing ideas from Rachelle, Steve and Johnny Baker. While all our good little neighbours are in church (we're the local heathen non-attenders), we're gonna grab our sidewalk chalks and fill the roads near each church gathering (there are THREE on campus!) with messages and images of God, peace, reminders of ascension etc. When they come out from their gatherings, these messages will have magically appeared all over campus and we'll be long gone to our Sabbath lunch.

We're going to work freehand as well as with a few stencils - we might try the idea in Johnny Baker's Worship Tricks of using chalk dust, or we may just use the chalks as-is.

Rain is expected later in the weekend, so I don't think we'll get into TOO much trouble... :)

Let's try that one again

I had a call earlier from the assistant pastor, the one I directed my resignation from all things worship team to. Requesting me to contact the worship team to let them know something - a duty I am/was on the worship committee for.

It seems my carefully worded and logical-reason-supported resignation did NOT after all reach him by email last week.

I have since printed it out, and will hand it to him this evening at worship practice, along with all the other things relating to my duty (team member contact lists, committee minutes etc).

And here I thought both he and my friend Cathy were ignoring me because they were upset by my resignation! But they were just too busy to say anything.

So the repurcussions are still coming.... I shall steel myself appropriately!

A Ditty-of-the-Times

I had this little ditty on my mind going up the hill for lunch today:

To market, to market
To buy a fat hog
Home again, home again
Bloggity-blog...

Guess who is now officially classified as a one-track-mind addict-idiot? :)

Party-time?

I'm going to expose one more aspect of my ongoing weirdness here. And throw a question into the mix that may seem odd to you, but bear with me.

I grew up in a pretty conservative home and church. Parties were frowned upon - they were dens of evil! Later on in life I had to agree after attending a few...

We all kinda stuck to potluck lunches, church games nights and (kosher/pre-approved) reel-to-reel movies in the hall. (All of which are stories in themselves, worthy of a series of "those were the days" posts...)

But I've never really learnt to throw a party - a "Christian" party if you will. The ones (few as they are) I've been to have had overly-loud music, skimpy lighting, a smokey haze, strange activities in the back room and too much booze. Hardly a good example of how to throw a party that doesn't end in either a drug-induced haze or violent hangover! But that's kinda set the mental image for what a party is.

The one I went to at a Christian home a few months back also ended with some guests who drank too much, others who went home depressed and one or two serious wallflowers. Not much different from the other type of party in essence.

So how does one throw a party? Especially in a home situated where mine is - on a campus where alcohol is banned, loud music is a no-go, dancing doesn't happen too easily, and any untoward behaviour could lose me my job! :)

What does a "Christian" party look like? What kind of party should a God-follower be throwing? And would non-God-followers feel comfortable at such a party?

If you have any ideas, any light to shed on my pathetic situation of partylessness - PLEASE DO SO! (Promise to invite you to the first one I throw in return!)

Winter



Winter is here. Early mornings carpeted in silver dew, windows dripped in wet. Evenings wrapped in wispy mist, uneven blankets of fog and pin-pricks of starlight above.

A time to cosy up and turn inward. A time of settling down and fattening up, sleeping in and venturing out only when the sun shines. A time for warm blankets, warm rooms, and family at home.

Today's strangest site referral...

...has to be this Google search:

"christian meaning of rosters vs weather veins"

Which I suspect was supposed to be "roosters" vs "weathervanes", but perhaps I'm wrong...

New Look

I've succumbed and decided to try out a new template. I think I managed to transfer all the comments, links, etc over - but if you find something that ain't working, please let me know!

Think it suits me? Does it make me look fat? :)

Desires and Learning Curves

It's a good thing God doesn't listen to us sometimes when we voice our desires. Ok, He does listen to us, but it's a good thing He doesn't give us what we ask for when we ask for it.

Take my desire to lead worship, for instance. The thing I pleaded with God to let me try, the thing I was sure He wanted me to do and was preparing me for.

A few years ago I definitely knew what it would take to lead worship. A good band, a good practice or two, a few cool songs and a congregation willing to sing them.

Right...

A year ago I knew what it would take to lead worship. A good voice, a willingness for the worship team leader to let me try it, the support of the team, a few good songs, and a congreagtion willing to sing them.

Right...

A few months ago I knew what it would take to lead worship. A few candles, some cool music, edgy graphics, creative lighting, a couple of worship stations, the support of the worship team leader, a few good songs, and a congregation willing to sing them.

Right...

Now I know I'm nowhere near worthy or ready to lead worship. Who am I to dictate how others worship? Who am I to LEAD, to take them by the nose-ring into places they may not want to go? Who am I to presume where they are in their God-walk and lead them on from there - though I may be many miles behind them?

I'd still like to help FACILITATE worship one day - to help others find God one-on-one within the walls of a church building, or without its walls. I'd like a background role, adding a new way of seeing and doing things perhaps, being an idea person or the one that does the grunt work.

But lead it? No, not me. Only God can truly direct and lead His followers in worship. We can but follow His Spirit.

Thanks, God, for not listening to me when I had all those "bright" ideas!!! You really knew what You were doing on that one...

Crowd-scenes

I'm a sucker for crowds.

When we lived in Cape Town we'd often take the train a few stations down the line to day/night cricket games at Newlands cricket grounds. We'd get into the Mexican Waves, join with the crowds in cheering or jeering, and try sit near the one bloke that always had a lot of funny stuff to say to/about the players.

I loved attending last year's prayer day at a local stadium. Hundreds of people joined together across social and racial divides, praying with thousands of others across Africa.

This weekend I hauled out my Hillsong "Hope" video - two hours of packed-house worship. Watching it sometimes brings a lump to my throat, just seeing people doing one thing together, joined in worship, enjoying it with all their hearts.

I love not being able to hear myself play the piano over the few hundred voices raised in song at church. Seeing a church-full of people glad to be there and participating. My favourite CDs are live worship, where you can hear the crowd singing along in the background and get to add your voice to theirs.

I'm a total sucker for crowds.

I can't wait for heaven - just imagine the millions and millions of people and angels joined before God's throne to worship - true, pure worship, unlike anything we've known or attempted to produce here on earth. Although there will be "no tears in heaven" I know I'm gonna choke up at the sight and sound of the crowd in adoration. My voice will falter as my heart soares.

I can't wait!

Passion Killers

"No-one will take you seriously without a Theology degree - especially if you're a woman, and perhaps not even then. You can't do anything in the church until you get the degree."

"You have to ask the pastor's permission if you want to start a Bible study or any home group. You can't just do something like that. He has a right to know and approve it or say no."

"Your enthusiasm is out of place here. This is a church, you know."

"Don't try bring in anything new. The old is good enough and what you want to try is heretical."

"If you want to try new things, go plant a church. But first get it approved by the members, passed by the church board, raise enough money to get it started, get the Head of the Organization's permission, and make sure it's a church plant that doesn't change things too much from how it's done now."

"You put too much jazz into your piano playing. This is not a rock concert."

It's really hard to keep a passion for worship, for God, when words fly like arrows to pierce a heart tender and new for Him. The wounds have healed, but the passion is hard to rediscover. Perhaps it's hiding under all that scar tissue.

The Single Parent Scene

I left a bit of a rant on Jamie's blog in his comments box on Friday - and I'm sure he's hoping I don't drop by too often! :) He had posted on a church singles initiative, and here's what I wrote:

Churches may be doing lots for singles, but single parents are still often treated like outcasts and the world's worst sinners - they don't fit into the singles or the married, or the married with kids categories, and often find themselves completely on the outside of activities, conversations etc. Its a BIG thing I think churches should be looking at, very seriously.

There are no programmes to help single parents cope, to help out with parenting skills in the absence of a partner, or childcare, or finances, or anything else that they face daily. They don't fit in to the marriage seminars, the singles coffee clubs, the mom or dad weekends away, the father/son / mother/daughter activities, the married or single study groups (they come with "baggage" that no-one knows how to deal with).

I head up the ONLY e-support group & website IN THE WORLD for one denomination's single parents. There is absolutely nothing else for them out there - and they feel it. Many have been so hurt by the lack of support, the insensitive comments ("so, your child's illegitimate?") and the lack of inclusion that they've given up on church and God. It's happened across church groups too, not just within this one denomination.


Perhaps there are churches out there making a difference to single parents, but generally we feel like "the damned" around church folk. We've either sinned terribly by having sex before marriage (and getting caught out because of the visible results) or by leaving a partner (no matter what the reason). We're steered away from married folk as a bad influence, we're held up as examples of "what not to do" to the young folk. (I was interrogated by one young group, who then sent me away so they could discuss me and my failings and how not to do that. Oh joy.)

I've had it easier than most - no messy divorce, no ex plaguing me, left to my own parenting devices, which is just fine! But the lack of support among churches is very, very real.

Which is why I'm thinking more and more that relational church, home church, "casual" church built on friendships and mentorships and real connection - that's the best thing since sliced bread for single parents!

One of our huge moans is the lack of a decent role model, mentor or parent of the opposite sex. But imagine that role being taken over by non-related men and women of God. Folk your kids could confide in and learn from when you become uncool or they need an outside perspective.

I've heard so many good things of communities that help raise each other's kids - like the old tribe/clan system. It's been echoed recently as I've trawled sites about including kids in home/relational church. Looking at the really big picture, it could also help with many problems our kids experience in today's society - could keep them off the streets and enfolded in the arms of a community that cares.

Then there's the example of family life - essential to learning how to get along with others. My son is an only child and not likely to ever have siblings. But having a community of families with kids old and young would give him a chance to learn how "normal" families function, how they get through rough patches and throw parties for the smooth ones (talking of which - how does one throw a "Christian" party?:) ). Learn how to respect the elderly and learn from their wisdom, how to be a big brother to the little ones.

Of course, eating together as a community will also give the kids a break from the same old cooking rut... :)

Wow, there's so much to be said for relational church and the single parent! I could go on until you get repetitive strain injury scrolling down the page!

But as much as can be said, it's the kind of thing that's extremely hard to find. All of my friends are either good church attendees or don't care two hoots for God. Most would not be interested in exploring relational church - there would be very big repurcussions from Church Management! - it's too much hard work - takes too much committment - don't see the need - comfortable in the rut even if it's unsatisfying.

So it's just me. Longing for something that seems completely out of reach. Impatient. Swinging my legs against the chair. The Odd One Out again, hanging around to see what God's going to do next. I really, really hope it's something like relational church! That would be just too cool!

Inner Peace

Yesterday I was peaceful and happy - inside. The outside was rushing around, cutting the lawn, climbing under the car to tighten the fan belt, working through 5 loads of washing before sitting down with a good book in the sun. And in doing those things I was completely and utterly happy.

And then I arrived at work this morning. Suddenly inner peace was hard to find. Nothing's gone wrong, but there seems to be a strange vibe here, like dis-ease, worry, tension, bad news - that kind of vibe. Even though no-one's acting out of the ordinary and nothing dramatic has gone wrong or changed.

Seems as if inner peace is actually more a mind perception than a mixture of external circumstances. What you perceive as negative will drain the peace right out of you. What you perceive as positive will top it up again.

It's a pretty illusive thing to find. Perhaps it just takes a lot of practice in not letting externals, perceptions, and moods influence that calm reflective pool you keep deep in your heart. The one you gaze in when things get too much, the one fed by snippets and whisperings of joy (and the occasional bar of dark chocolate). The pool surrounded by everything you love best, where you can dip your soul's toes when you've walked a bit too far.

Somehow I need to recapture that inner peace today, to fill a pond that seems to have dried up within the space of an hour. To radiate calm and joy and contentment from the inside out, no matter what.

The Old Door


This is the door to a house of mystery in Cape Town. It stands opposite my younger brother's place, part of an upmarket, up-priced area (his flat bought for R300,000 a year ago is now worth over a million...). It stands out as a bit of an eyesore in a street filled with newly-renovated homes. The meagre front yard is a tangle of old dead bushes hiding long-neglected garden furniture. The windows are shaded by frosted glass and darkness.

There's a story behind this building. It's part of an estate for which the government has absolutely no paperwork. The owner passed on to better things without leaving any hint of what was to happen to this house - no will, no relatives, nothing. So it sits and crumbles. According to government regulations it may need to do so for 60 years before the state can assume ownership. If it's still standing, that is.

Oh, it's number 13 in the street - perhaps that has something to do with the state it's in?

We couldn't resist. We looked through the letterbox to see what was inside. The passage was stacked high with piles of stuff. The kinds of stuff my sis-in-law and I would love to scratch through... Ancient furnishings, delicately moth-eaten curtains, hard-wood floors bending slightly with age. Topped off with an authentic bead curtain - not the replica type found these days in your local homeware shop.

It's the kind of place that really gets my curiosity going. What happened here? What stories does this place have to tell? I wish I knew...

Shabbat Shalom



Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the infinite peace to you.

adapted from - ancient gaelic runes

Where are the others?

Still trawling through the New Testament in my nightly readings of a few chapters at a time... and was just wondering:

What happened to all those disciples who were sent out by Jesus personally? Yeah, I know what HAPPENED to them (many were martyred), but why don't we hear a lot about them in the New Testament? It's mostly just Paul going on to the churches HE planted, but what was happening with the other guys, the other 11 and the larger group that followed from whom they were chosen?

So some of them wrote a book here and there of the New Testament, and John saw visions on his prison island - but while Paul's going on about the church here, the church there - where are the others?

They're pretty quiet about what they're up to. They're likely working among the Jews, which may not be as dramatic as revolutionizing the Gentile's lives, but still....

Just got me wondering. But I'm only up to Hebrews, so maybe I'll still find them somewhere.

Is that your final answer?

'Tis done. It's official. I've taken leave of my duties at church (and possibly also my senses, according to some). The only thing I haven't done is phone my best friend and tell her... I'm simply too scared to, but may have to sometime today. Or I could let her hear via the worship leader, and then "please explain".

I'm still not entirely sure this is the right thing. But if I don't try I'll never find out.

Yet the question remains - now what?

Do I just sit and wait? Do I try to do something to fill this blank space in my schedule, in my life?

I think I need to put in a bit of work on our "home spirituality", check that my son is actually learning about God and growing. I need to plan more focused activities and times of worship for the two of us - I aspire to such open worship as Rachelle and her family share, though I can never hope to reach her/their league...

I need to go deeper in my own God-times, but my brain seems to be in a permanent fog, and has been for months. I can't seem to grasp much, I can't think things through or see truths the way I did earlier this year. I feel like I'm living a surface existance, unable to dive into what I can see below, a Dead Sea float if you will.

And there are other longings too - a need to get involved in my community, strengthen ties with family and friends. Yet my life seems composed of a rush through routine. Wake up, eat, go to work, go home, cook, homework, bed....it never ever ends. I want so much more out of life, I want to give more, be present more, be more real and involved in the world around me. I have dreams and visions of what it could be like - but there's an invisible barrier keeping me away from it. Somethings putting restrictions on the stuff I want to do. It's like being on a long leash - just as you think you're getting there, you're brought up short by circumstances, time restraints, a lack of vision or passion.

So I'm wandering in blankness now, not sure how, where, when, why. I've made a decision, I've taken a step. But the road ahead is shrouded in fog. If I start walking, I might end up going backward, so here I sit, waiting for the Son to shine through and light up the way.

Church History Re-Examined

For a fascinating look at early church life (up to a few hundred years after Christ) and how our perceptions of "church" have developed/changed over the years, see these articles:

Where did church buildings come from?
and
A Plea for Church Life - Part 2.

Written by a former Baptist minister, Gene Edwards.

On Being Sick

When taking a sick day, you might think it will be great to lie in bed and process all the stuff skimming through your brain, but you will soon find your body decides sleep is better than think, and leaves you wondering what happened to the day. Also, sleeping in the day leads to sleeplessness at night, which leads to sleepiness the following day. Dogs taking over the bed for their own comfort do not help this situation. Nor do good books that you can't put down until you're done.

You should never return to work if not feeling completely better, especially if it's cold and wet outside and perfect for lying abed. However, if you stick it out until 11 and then go home, it doesn't count as an official sick day.

You should never post comments on other's blogs or anything on your own while ill. You're gonna regret it in a big way later.

Starting up

I've got a friend here (the chaplain's wife actually) who is in the process of starting up a group at her home once a week, just of mothers like her, meeting for an hour, but she honestly is clueless as to what they should do!

She was thinking "Bible Study", but a lot of the woman aren't really the BStudy type (was going to leave that as the BS type, but not a good idea). Now she's feeling a bit lost.

I know the "form" isn't where it's at, and many are "formless", but you gotta start somewhere. I said I'd check around and get ideas that she can try. She's a bit scared just to plan nothing... and perhaps a bit scared to follow what her heart (God?) is saying too.

Anyone got some suggestions I can pass on? I know a lot of you are doing stuff together, but it's a hard slog to find out what. You're all pretty secretive...!

Blogger Changes

As of today, I'm going to give the Blogger Comments option a try (I have been using Haloscan up to now without problems). As a result, you will see that at the bottom of each of my posts there are 2 "comments" links. The one on the same line as the post info is Blogger, the other is Haloscan. Blogger emails me a notification when a comment is posted, Haloscan doesn't. Bloggers comments open in a new window with the current post, after which you get another window option to post a comment (similar to Typepad) - Haloscan opens a pop-up window in which you can both post and view comments.

Feel free to use any of them. I'll leave them up for a bit and see which works better, then decide which stays.

And so ends your info slot for the day! :)

::update::
OK, straight off Blogger has some "don't like this" things in the comments feature. First, no link back to the main blog. Second, endless windows to open to get where you want to be, and then having to hit "back" to get where you were. And third, it seems you can't see the other comments, just the main post, if you're posting a comment. So Blogger - you're on trial here, behave yourself or it's back to Haloscan! :)

Oh, there is one good thing - that's email notification so I don't have to keep checking if anyone's said anything, or where.

::another update::
I've decided to take down the blogger comments and just leave Haloscan working. The comments posted to blogger have not been deleted, only hidden. Working both systems was just a leeetle bit too much! :)

Another option...?

Last night's sermon came out of nowhere and hit the church broadside. The still-studying-theology youth leader preached on compassion, kindness, community (from Col 3:12-14), and brought in aspects of the church mentioned in Acts 2. WAY different from the messages that have been shared there for a very long time.

He confessed he'd almost not preached on this, but that throughout the week things had happened to confirm he must. He was hesitant to speak what God had laid on his heart for this particular group - admitting that he didn't know if there were problems in these areas or not, but that God had impressed him to speak on these. So many ideas shared, so much direct talk to a church that can be too comfortable where it's at - a very rich church compared to the community around them, filled with doing many good works in their spare time.

It echoed everything I've been thinking about in recent months, everything I've read, talked about, or had as influence in my decisions.

And as I sat listening, another option to the stay/leave thing came bursting in. The "stay and share what you've learned, help them grow" option. A way to not just turn my back on a group, but to help them reach toward something they're only just beginning to glimpse.

Now I know Eddie, Bruce and George are likely going to jump right in here and condemn me for wavering! :) Perhaps stepping back completely IS the right way to go. Perhaps it isn't.

Maybe I need a time of seperation, growth and learning before I am ready to share and help. A time to try what's being preached and come back showing that it can be done.

It's just a thought right now. Going to take a lot more pondering to discover if it's valid, or just a fleeting idea.

::update::
I think what I'm trying to put into words is the longing to help others along toward a goal I see in the distance, of a deeper and more real Christ-follower experience. Not an unwillingness to move into something harder but better.

If I leave them completely to find my own way, how can I help them, how can I share? You'd never listen to a stranger who came up to you and said "hey - you could be in a better place!", but you would a friend.

I've been there for 2 years, and although I haven't managed to make many friends, the ones I have made are folk that could influence or help others, spread the word. (But I may also face the wrath of the institution for my out-of-the-ordinary views of body life.)

Not that I'm on a one-person crusade. My heart just latched on to that which I'm hungering for in the message last night. If others feel that yearning for more, then why not use this opportunity to work together, instead of struggling as one little flame against the storm?

This was just a tiny aspect of the bigger picture, but it's a place to start. "The greatest of these is love" and by truly loving, being compassionate, it could all change.

But if all the "amen's" were just the usual Sunday religious experience, and were forgotten by Monday, if all the great ideals proclaimed are never acted on...

...then I WILL go out alone to find what God has planned for me.

Oh Lord, give me wisdom to discern what you want, to see where You're moving and where we're not!

Mother's Day

Herewith my obligatory thoughts on how Mother's Day progressed in our household.

My son's class did a "mom card" project, to be handed out on Sunday morning, but he couldn't wait. I got it Friday night. A beautiful hand-made "roses are red, violets are blue" card, with plenty of kisses. What a kid!

And then he actually made me breakfast in bed on Saturday while I was feeding the neighbour's birds for them. This from a child who refuses to make his own breakfast on the weekends - and whom I end up serving in bed.... Yeah I know, who actually RUNS the house? :) He almost got the coffee right, and did well in the bread-cutting/spreading line too.

Sunday however, was truly what Mother's Day is all about. I got to spend it working around the house while he disappeared to friends. :) Granted, it was stuff I had to do, and a bit of stuff I enjoyed (like spraypainting a "throne" garden chair gold, and hand-making lasagne from scratch). My neighbours very kindly bought a bath-goodies gift set and bottle of sparkling apple, to be given to me by my son - but as he was missing "in action" it came direct.

I tried to reach my mom, but found my phone on the new system has not been granted international access - and then realized she was out of town. Managed to SMS (text message) her instead.

That was the sum total of mother's day. Perhaps more realistic than the hearts, flowers, chocolate and cards version commonly portrayed. It was a true day of being a mom, caring for my house and child, taking time out to chat to family and friends, and carrying on my normal every day mom-life.

It was good.

Boys to Men

So we were watching Tracker last weekend. An episode where the villian breeds inner poison that he has to get rid of by having sex at least once a day by a certain time with a woman, who then dies a horrible death. (Which was not apparent when we started watching, and hit me by surprise later on, a bit too late...) And my soon-to-be-11 son said "Sex once a day!" - with surprise... I realized that he actually doesn't know that much about sex. And that I need to get down to a bit more education. Puberty happens. And happens soon. I learned a lot from my friends early on in school - his friends don't seem to discuss it (I asked, he said they don't, I have to assume it's true from some of the things he's asked me).

But here's the rub. What do I know about how boy's bodies work? How am I supposed to tell him what changes he's going through, will be going through, if I know basically nothing about it? I can't just haul in an uncle to sit him down and share the facts of life. His uncles don't get that much time with him and it would be a very contrived conversation! I could hardly shove a book his direction and say "read this".

I know all about girls. I can tell him a load about that! But it ain't going to help him much right now. And (surprisingly perhaps) I don't know a lot about sex. Yeah, I know how it happens - I'm not THAT blonde. But intimacy and respect and sex saved for marriage, sex as part of forever love, well I'm lacking in those areas in practical knowledge/experience. How am I supposed to teach what I don't know?

And what about the other aspects of manhood?

This is just one of those things where single parents seriously miss out. Single dads probably have just as tough a time with their daughters.

Which kinda puts even more pressure on me to not only do some serious learning, but to find (or create) that close-knit community (relational "church"?) of trust and love, in which men are mentors to boys, women are mentors to girls. Where the young learn from the old, parents learn from each other and those who have done this before. Where boys become men with the best of role models to follow.

Ideal world? Perhaps. But I know it's out there. Somewhere.

(Alternatively, I'm gonna have to find a husband.)

Shabbat Shalom

May the blessing of light be on you - light without and light within.
May the blessed sunlight shine on you like a great peat fire, so that stranger and friend may come and warm himself at it.
And may light shine out of the two eyes of you, like a candle set in the window of a house, bidding the wanderer come in out of the storm.
And may the blessing of the rain be on you, may it beat upon your Spirit and wash it fair and clean, and leave there a shining pool where the blue of Heaven shines, and sometimes a star.
And may the blessing of the earth be on you, soft under your feet as you pass along the roads, soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day; and may it rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it.
May it rest so lightly over you that your soul may be out from under it quickly; up and off and on its way to God.
And now may the Lord bless you, and bless you kindly. Amen.
—Scottish Blessing

Quote for the day

"He does not believe, that does not live according to his belief. "
- Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)

Amen!

That Little Niggling Thought

There are certain things that follow you when you grow up, when you start thinking things through for yourself. Call them ingrained, mis-interpreted, whatever. Beliefs that you've always assumed. Things that sit in the back of your head and bother you now and then.

And I can see where a lot of folk are coming from on this one, where they're uncomfortable because I'm stepping back for a while to see what God wants in my life. Especially if they view the church as a religious gathering under a set of beliefs and not just God's people spread across various visible/invisible boundaries.

The upshot of it is a little verse or two in Matthew 24: "At that time many will turn away from the faith....but he who stands firm to the end will be saved."

That seems to have been interpreted to mean "at the end of time a lot of folk are going to leave the church, those that remain will be headed onward and upward" or something like that.

Which is why what I'm doing is making a whole lot of folk very uncomfortable. And I'm being considered a backslider, heretic or "non-attending member" (terrible! the horror!).

OK, "leaving the faith" should probably be interpreted "turning your back on God". To some, that IS leaving your local church gathering. But ever since I read a statement that said "you can only leave the church if you leave Jesus", I've felt differently.

Perhaps leaving a congregation or gathering of like-minded to let God work is better than sticking around just to feel saved? Yeah, that's it. I just wish it didn't make so many panic.

::further thoughts - post-lunch::
I guess what worries one when rethinking assumed or ingrained ideas/beliefs is the thought "what if I'm wrong and they're right?". It appears from scripture that such a small percentage of humanity will end up in heaven, yet churches are growing and growing daily - the SDA church in Africa alone is expected to hit the 20 million mark in a few years time! Not counting the many other groups....

In my case the question is added to by the fact that I don't usually hear God loud and clear, but sorta stumble forward in the dark, hoping it's His voice and not my own. There's always that niggling "what if" going on, whichever way you're headed.

But in my case I know stepping back might be (and has been in the past) a literal soul-saver. Not that I'm better than anyone sitting in churches every week (some need that desperately, many meet God fully right there and grow in His presence), but just because I'm different - the odd one out at most times. It may be a season of learning only, or it may be a life-journey. It's just that it's right for here and now. Another time, another place, it might be a different story.

Upgrade

My computer here at work has just been given a face-lift, or a tummy-tuck or whatever you'd like to call it. The hard-drive has gone from 10GB to 80 in one foul swoop! From 32% free, to 91% free. Woah!

(Yeah, OK, it's not that big, but dramatic enough anyway, and a lot better than the 600MB drive I started work here on....)
-----------
My soul needs an upgrade. I need expansive space for God to work, instead of spending my days trying to delete and uninstall little things to give Him enough room to be present. I need a lot of clean, unused parts for Him to download and install the programmes He needs me to work with - the silence, the worship, the involvement in those around me, the knowing that He is there.

If only it were as simple as hauling in a new part, ghosting the old one over and then running on with the race. But it ain't. The upgrade my soul needs is a broken spirit, a contrite heart, an emptying in preperation for His fullness. A complete "del *.*" experience.... I cannot hope to carry on running my own programmes in the background, letting them corrupt what He has going for me. I can't let my selfish-intention viruses take over the system He has devised.

Lord, upgrade me! Clean me out, fill me up, set me running at optimal performance for You!

Success!

The car is on the road again! I managed to get everything back where it belonged, even fixed one previous problem! For the last job I had to climb in under the engine - boy, are there a load of spiderwebs in there....

Dropped off the borrowed car, walked back to church, picked up mine and drove home. And it made it! :)

I'm pretty chuffed that I managed to sort out this problem by myself, and that I didn't need someone to come sort out my sorting out. It's given me the confidence to attempt greater things.

Oh, took these pictures while walking back - beautiful autumn evening.





It had to happen....

My parents have found my blog! (hi mom and dad...)

Now what? :)

Good Lord!

The Good Lord works in mysterious ways....

I've been considering webpage design as a potential future career/income base once my 6 month training stint is done, but haven't said anything to anyone about it yet. However, I've just had a call asking what I charge to design web sites!

OK.... that's scary....

Think God's trying to tell me something, to perhaps indicate an open door to something in the future? If so, He's being pretty direct about it - sorta like "before you call I'm gonna answer"!

Thoughts on Being Different

I'm not your normal anything anymore.

First, I wasn't your normal Seventh-day Adventist. I toured other churches, entertained different ideas, saw things from another perspective. I started sharing radical ideas when it was my turn for worship at the start of the working day and even joined a Baptist worship team! I didn't hide away, but was open and honest about wanting more than tradition, routine and pew-warming in church. I stopped attending when it started killing me spiritually. I was told "you're your father's child", a label I wear with pride. When he pastored here, he really shook things up, and continues to challenge the traditional boundaries in Australia.

Next I wasn't your normal Christian. I didn't want to pew-warm once a week (Saturday or Sunday), didn't want to Do, but wanted to Be. Wasn't satisfied with traditional answers, SDA or otherwise. Asked questions that didn't even have any anwers. Pushed a few boundaries and developed my own set of beliefs, dropping what didn't make sense and retaining what I perceive as tried and tested truth.

And I've never been your normal parent. I refused to marry a guy I didn't love, just because I was carrying his child. I didn't bow to pressure to let his mom take over my life. I parented by instinct instead of by manual. I disciplined with a well-intentioned look or word, and was more relaxed than others who gave me hell for setting a bad example. I let my son have Pokemon and Digimon and watch The Mummy and Lord of the Rings - in spite of the age restrictions and all those "Pokemon is evil!" emails. I read him Narina and instilled a love of fantasy worlds, dragons and adventure in his mind. I threw him a night-time spook party and fielded questions from conservatively concerned parents. If his friends could do something well, his mom could do it better... :)

I'm also not your average school mom. I'm fed up with teachers who don't know what the other one is doing - and who blame us parents/kids if the child has not had adequate preperation in lower grades for certain subjects. I refused to administer Ritalin just because the teacher didn't want the extra effort of catering for a different learning style. I'm considering home-schooling as a single mom (and having to defend myself) - difficult, but do-able. I'm willing to question why boys and girls aren't taught differently according to their natures, why school has to be 12+ years of torture, why it's killing off my son's natural curiosity and desire to learn. I'm open to age-old learning methods like apprenticeships and real-life-situation learning.

I'm not your normal employee. I seek new ways to make things work, to make the job more efficient. I treat those who come to me for help or information as best I can, as the customers that pay my salary. I speak out to the bosses about potential change, new ideas, things that could and should be different. I don't go on the warpath when treated unfairly - well, not usually.... :) I use the equipment I'm given to learn and grow, as well as to work (and am thus called on for all sorts of computer crises, although I'm no expert). I stand up for my rights and ask for what I need. I keep out of gossip and am trying to be church in my workplace. I don't always agree with the generally-accepted institutional beliefs and expectations and very often feel the odd one out.

I've "copped a lot of flak" for being differeint. It used to bother me. I used to stress about it. But you know what? Now I enjoy it!

Adventures in Car Maintenance

It's nearly done - I've almost finished my first solo car project! I managed to source all the needed bits on my own, take apart the broken bits (with help needed only on one extremely tight bolt) and re-assemble it, learning as I went as to what order things go in and why.

I ran out of daylight last night as I was doing the last bracket-fitting. While working, the church youth leader came up and said "that's the most sexy thing I've seen!" - meaning me with my hands full of grease and arms in the engine. The dear chap made my day! If he weren't at least 15 years too young.... :)

So right after work today I make one more trip to the church parking lot, tighten the last of the bolts - and then see if it goes.

I wear my ingrained grease with pride!

Moon-madness

We stayed up last night and watched the moon eclipse. For the first time in 50 years it occluded a star. It was amazing to see this diamond-bright pinpoint of light hovering on the edge of a red moon, and suddenly winking out!

The last lunar eclipse we saw had an equally spectacular event. As the final bright spot on the moon disappeared, a shooting star cut right across the moon. WOW!

My son and I are complete nature lovers. We take notice of the good stuff the Creator has provided for our enjoyment. Last night was worth staying up late for.

God all around us

Yet another co-incidence of subject found this moring in two blogs was the theme of finding God in the "unChristians" around us.

Justin ponders finding the goodness in others and building on that, along the lines of Celtic-style Christianity. Rachelle mentions wanting the "light in her" to connect to the "light in others", no preconceived ideas affecting the confluence of shared goodness.

Perhaps that's what relational Christianity is all about. Seeing God in those we usually wouldn't give a second glance to. Recognizing that they are His creations, His children, our brothers and sisters - really taking that to heart and loving them as family.

This kind of love transcends culture, race, smelly feet, religion. It makes sharing yourself, your possessions, your cash that much easier as you recognize needs in one of your own. Wouldn't you help your mother, your father, your sister or brother out if they needed it? Wouldn't you bend over backwards to see them happy and fulfilled, to share your life with them and make them part of yours, to maintain those very precious relationships?

For us to love as Jesus loved, is for us to recognize our connection with all those He died for, whether they know him or not. It is to see His hand in their lives, whether they acknowledge it or not. It is to be Christ to them, whether they have heard of Him or not. It is to break down our own prejudices and see past the skin to the soul inside.

I pray that I will be able to do that. I pray that I will learn what loving my brother is really about. I pray that I won't just say it, won't just know it, but do it.

Deeper Worship

I ran across two blogs this morning, right after each other, talking about the music we tend to use in contemporary worship services. One from Brian McLaren (via Deep Calls to Deep) and the other from SM Hutchins (via Christian Computing and GetReligion).

There is a lot of food for thought in both those. They tell how worship has become mostly about "me" instead of God, how it's been "eroticized" and made almost sexually intimate instead of being a connection to God's unfathomable greatness and grace.

It's going to take a lot more mulling over, but I can see where the authors are coming from on this. We tend to have the same sentiments and expressions repeated over and over, from various songwriters, that give us an experience or emotion, but may not be actual God-worship. Sensual and sensational but not deeply connecting to God.

As a worship musician, I've recently struggled to connect to God during the "worship" (music) time at church. The time I connected best was in a few minutes of absolute silence and opening to God. A complete change from the musical noise we do usually. Tears poured down my face as I felt Him fill me up. The last time I felt God come near was while playing an instrumental piece with an acoustic guitar - me just providing a background to a gifted musician who made his guitar sing. No words. Just space for God's words to come near.

Without really knowing it, the way we've been worshipping, what we've been saying and doing, is a contributing factor to me stepping out to see what God can do in me outside the church. At the last few worship committees a lot of what has been said has bothered me deeply. I don't dare say what I feel though. I can't upset that apple cart - because what's presented seems to be what the people want, and what the worship team is willing to cater to.

But is is really about what the people want? Why are we trying to please the critics or placate the ruffled? Where is the whole aim of our worship gathering in this - where is God? We have endless discussions about hymns and Hillsong, Vineyard and soundsystems, lights and irreverance. I truly think we're missing the point completely!

Even though I love playing with the worship band/s, and am going to miss my bout of piano-bashing, I want with all my heart to know and learn true worship, unencumbered by tradition, by a larger group, by trying to please the crowd, by worrying what people think. I want that connection, to feel God so close, to be free to express in my own way my own worship.

I read a story recently that says this so eloquently. A story of a songbird who worshipped God every morning with the most beautiful voice, in her own unique way. A songbird who ended up in a music ministry through other animals telling her she had been blessed/created/gifted for this, travelling the world weighed down by her books, CD's and ministry materials but losing her voice and forgetting how to worship God. A songbird who found an incredible flower growing in obscurity in a canyon, and learned from it that it's only ministry was to God, not to others - and who dropped all her ministry paraphanalia right there to relearn her adoration of her Creator.

A songbird who I can relate to.

This is only one part of the journey I'm on. But to me it's a very essential part. Perhaps one I've never truly discovered, and one I can't wait to find out more about.

If I only had words...

I've found it hard to blog in recent days. Not because there's nothing to say, but because there's too much and I can't seem to find the words. I've been challenged and humbled, worked hard (still on the car, but nearly done), and had time to sit and reflect. There were eclipses and explainations. It's all a bit much!

So as time allows I'm going to try tackle these one thing at a time, clearing out the cupboard-space of my head bit by bit. Whether you want to see it's contents or not! :)

Peace

Decision Made

I'm taking the plunge. Tentatively, but firmly (aren't those opposites? oh well....). Later this week I'll be speaking to the new worship team leader. I'm going to tell him that June is my last month with the worship team and the worship committee. It was going to be May, but he's already drawn up rosters for June, and 2 months' notice will enable him to find a replacement pianist to bring the numbers up to 4 options again.

I want to be available to God for whatever he has planned for me. I'm spending more time disagreeing and being frustrated at the building we call church than spending time with God there. Although I know I may lose friendships and have my motives interpreted for me behind my back, I truly feel this is what God wants for me, here and now.

Perhaps He'll take me back there or to another church buliding in the future, perhaps not. But I'm willing to wait on Him, to learn and to take these steps now to find out what He has in store.

I'm going to be emailing a few folk regarding their own journeys (be warned!), or I might post questions on this blog later for input. We'll see.

Now that I've made my choice I'm excited, scared and filled with anticipation. It's once again a blank future instead of knowing where I am and what I'm doing. Lord, preserve me! :)

Day of Prayer for Africa

20 MILLION Africans praying across the continent. That makes for a wow moment.

A few years ago, at the tip of Africa, a prayer initiative was started on 1 May to pray for Africa, and over the years this has completely taken over the continent. I attended a stadium event last year, one of 178 across the continent, with 5 million participants - and this year it was way, way more.

It's a goosebump moment to watch the TV coverage as they cross from place to place, reporting thousands praying together at each venue for the unique problems we Africans face. It's an incredible feeling to know you're not the only Christian out there, though sometimes you feel like it.

If nothing else, this day of prayer has united a lot of people who may not otherwise have met. It's broken down church-building (us vs. them), race and cultural barriers and given a few hours of unity.

Learning Curve: Cars

I guess it's a miracle it happened when and where it did....

I was due at a committee meeting at church on Friday afternoon, and did some major rushing to get there in time, including a quick trip to the shops for the upcoming week's groceries. Happily trundling along at speed, fave tape playing loudly, I became aware of a "beat" that had nothing to do with the drums on the tape! In fact, it was more of an irregular clonking noise....

I made it to the church parking lot, and found the radiator water bottle clonking along, filled with pretty hot water. While replenishing it, I noticed what the ACTUAL clonking had been - the alternator had completely fallen off and the fanbelt was throwing it against various other parts!

What happened was that a lower bolt had fallen out, putting strain on the other 2 brackets holding the alternator in place, which had promptly sheared off completely!

Well, I didn't hear or say much in the committee, but was blessed to have my good friend there, who I asked for a lift home, not quite sure what I'd do with the car... She offered her little ancient Renault 5 - what a car! It's fun to drive, simply because you attract a lot of attention. You can hear it coming miles away and it jerks along happily with the breeze blowing through the rust spots! :)

Thanks to the offer I made it home - late, but home. Yesterday morning I managed to get back to the church and take the alternator off before going to find replacement parts. (Impressed a few post-church men who thought I knew what I was doing - little did they know! Still have 2 very stuck bolts to wrestle later.) Of course, being Sunday, all was closed and quiet, but I managed to find out where to go to get the parts, and am going to be able to do that this afternoon. Yes, I'm actually going to fix it myself, instead of paying someone to do what I can do.

If this had happened in town, if I hadn't made it to the relatively-safe church parking lot, if my friend hadn't turned up and offered her car...well, things could have been very different.

So here I am, veins of grease still stuck in my skin (unscrubbable), a little bit wiser as to what goes on in my engine, and counting my blessings.