Shabbat Shalom

If there be some weaker one,
God give me strength to help him on;
If a blinder soul there be,
Let me guide him Nearer Thee
Make my mortal dreams come true,
With work I fain would do;
Clothe with life the weak intent,
Let me be the thing I meant;
Let me find in Thy employ,
Peace that dearer is than joy;
Out of self to love be led,
And to heaven acclaimed;
Until all things sweet and good,
Seem my nature’s habitude.
- Attributed To John Whittier

God-time / Nature

We're paying to go to church this weekend. 'Cos we're going here for our God-time! It's a place we really enjoy visiting, and we'll be having fellowship afterwards by means of lunch with family too. Nature, God, others - sounds like church to me! :) The only element missing is some much-needed solitude and silence, which in recent months has become a very big part of my Sabbath. I miss it intensely when I can't have it.

Of course, as it's apparently snowing on the mountains, we may have MORE nature God-time later on in the weekend as we try find some to play in. It never makes it down to where we live, but there are mountain passes that end up nicely sprinkled nearby. The downside is that it's flippin' freezing today!

Blogs are just words

There's a tendency, when reading blogs, to just skim them, to scan the words without really absorbing anything, then move on to the next one. Or just skip over what doesn't interest you, what you can't relate to. (Some you can't just scan, their words weave a spell that hold you there, rapt in wonder)

Until you realize that blogs are MORE THAN JUST WORDS. That there are people behind them who sometimes pour out their hearts and souls, who are hurting and dying inside, who don't know where to turn. They're telling you things they might not share with their real-live family and friends, those deep things that are hidden under a layer of I'm-OK.

Sometimes it takes time, a little digging, to get to the person behind the layout (you KNOW you recognize people by their blog-look, don't you!), to hear their heart and feel the essence of who they are. I know of one blogger who I assumed for months was female - and who as it turns out is male!

This morning I've run across a post or two that has torn at thin-skinned parts of me, brought tears as I hear the deep cry of their souls. There are prayers I've uttered for peace and healing, prayers of thanks and joy. Prayers for the words on my screen, spoken by people I may never meet.

It's a strange world, this blogland. I've let strangers into places no-one else knows of. And many others have too. Reaching out to someone, anyone, for understanding and a kindred spirit, to know you're not alone. God knows, we're not.

If I can help somebody...

I've had the words to this song on my mind the past few days - don't know why, but perhaps it should be my new "mantra":

If I can help somebody as I pass along.
If I can cheer somebody with a word or a song.
If I can show somebody they're traveling wrong, then my living shall not be in vain.
If I can do my duty as a Christian ought.
If I can bring back beauty to a world up wrought.
If I can spread love's message that the Master taught, then my living shall not be in vain.

Lord, show me where to help, and where not to.

Ways to Amuse Yourself Late at Night

This was posted days ago at Jo'Blog, and I'm still laughing.

(Don't get it? Here in SAfrica, speed traps are often manned by cameras, set off by means of wires across the road that measure speed. There's no greater feeling than travelling the speed limit and having some idiot hurtle past you, only to see him blinded by a flash of light from the camera a little way down the road. Sucker... :) )

The Water of Life

(Received by email this morning)

Why I don't ask for anything to drink at a rich person's house -

Question: "What would you like to have...Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea please."
Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?"
Answer: "Ceylon tea"
Question: "How would you like it? black or white ?"
Answer: "White."
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?"
Answer: "With milk."
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?"
Answer: "With cow milk please."
Question: "Milk from Friesland cow or Jersey cow?"
Answer: "Um, I'll take it black."
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar."
Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar."
Question: "White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water?"
Answer: "Mineral water."
Question: "Flavoured or non-flavoured?"
Answer: "Forget it. I think I'd rather die of thirst!"

Kinda reminds me of "church-shopping" in a way.

A man thirsty for God decides to go to church one day (logical place, he thinks, 'cos God MUST be there). But within a radius of 5km there are 12 different denominations, some of which have more than one church building. So he asks a friend, "Which church should I go to?" Friend starts asking what he's looking for, and it ends up a little like the above, but with creeds and beliefs and denominational oddities subsituted. Finally the thirsty man decides trying to get the Water of Life is just too much hassle, and gives up.

What if we went around carrying one option in our souls - God and God alone - for those who thirst? What if we left off the divisive options and just offered the Good News to those who seek? How many more hungry and thirsty people would find refreshing in God then?

The Blogging News

Reading through a couple of blogs this morning, I realized there's so much stuff out there I'd love to share with others - but generally they're others who don't/won't read blogs.

Wouldn't it be nice to collect all those superb thoughts into a newspaper format and publish it every week? Yup it would. But without the background on why and how people blog, it may not make too much sense. And with all those many, many excellent posts flying around, it would probably end up more as a weekly book than a newspaper!

Oh well, it was a nice-looking thought as it passed.... Better just stick to reading them myself.

Noise Pollution

For the first time in a long time my office door is closed today. There is a rush of students to re-register, mostly our 150 Botswana students. In many African cultures it's rude to talk so softly that the surrounding folk can't hear what you say - and this is being implemented in a BIG way today right outside my office! :) So much so that I honestly can't even hear my phone ring, which is why my door is closed today, with a sign saying "Please Come In - Door Closed for Serenity Maintenance" attached.

Fred had a few good things to say recently about noise pollution. Most times we don't even notice the lack of silence around us.

Yesterday my son and I finally made it to the mall, and ate at our favourite restaurant which is open-plan to the mall hallways. There weren't a lot of people around, one could call it a "quiet day". And yet, unblocking my ears to their trained ignoring of sounds, it was actually pretty noisy. Besides the music in the restaurant, there was additional music and announcements over the mall speakers, the sounds of people and trolleys passing, a car display being re-arranged by a skilled driver in a very small space, planes passing overhead, doors closing, security systems beeping. Not a silent patch to be found. And yet we didn't really notice it until we tried.

A while ago I read of the death of stillness. How even out in the middle of nowhere there's no real quiet. You're likely to hear a passing high-altitude jet, or the neighbour a few valleys down cutting their grass. Unless you're in the Australian Outback at night, which is apparently a VERY quiet place.

On Sabbath I sat and listened to the many, many bird voices that often go unnoticed. The sound of a lizard scurrying away into the bushes. A mouse chewing on a large piece of birdfood. Dogs barking far out of sight. Hymns from three different churches on campus as they progressed through their services.

It's very hard to find quiet. I'm not sure many of us actually know what total silence is like. We'd get really uncomfortable if it suddenly happened to us. And yet solitude and silence are important parts of our spiritual growth as we learn to listen to God's still, small voice - so often drowned out by a myriad others.

Often we try to overlay unpleasant noise with more noise - for instance, I may stick on a classical CD to override the neighbour's lawnmower. But that isn't really a solution. It just adds to the traffic-jam in my head.

Although true quiet is hard to find, nature-filled quiet is something we should indulge in more. No man-made noise, just the sounds of the world God created for our joy. The wind in the trees, waves shushing on the shore, birdsong or the rustle of long grass. Many of us have learnt that there's nothing as stress-releasing, as freeing and relaxing, as being out in nature, undisturbed by jarring human noises. Not only relaxing - it's likely to turn our hearts more readily to our Creator, to get onto the same wavelength as Him, to tune in to that still small voice.

That's what I'm longing for today, in the midst of this sea of unrelenting noise.

Torn, Doing the Limbo Thing

I'm being pulled in two directions, and it shows no sign of letting up.

Direction 1: I simplify my life, live on less, need to thus earn less and can afford to work part-time or on a contract basis, then can start working on the type of life - the quality of life - I would truly enjoy. Put down deep roots in my native soil and envision our future here.
Downside - living on and earning less means no chance of collecting sufficient funds to move to or even visit Australia. We'd be stuck here in our nice simple life.

Direction 2: Complicate my life even more by trying to stockpile enough "virtual" cash in some bank's account to either visit or move to Australia. Don't attempt to put down roots here or settle in too thoroughly. Live in the future, not the present.
Downside - out goes the simplification of life, in comes more stress and the same old vicious cycle of trying to make ends meet AND save.

Our Australian visa application seems to be going in circles. I lose hope and start toward Direction 1, only to be given hope and have to resort to thoughts of Direction 2 again. Then hope disappears and it's back to considering how to make Direction 1 work.... At this point I'm not even sure I want to move to Australia. It just seems to be way too much hassle and expense - and even more once we get there and are strangers in a strange land.

I'm living in limbo and I hate it. I wish I had a reliable crystal ball to say "stay" or "go", to see what's going to happen a year down the line. I'm living hesitantly, unable to fully throw myself into one or the other of my choices, just hanging on to the routine and wondering how much longer I can take this. It's been years already and I'm tired of it. I want to know that I can settle in here, or plan to settle in there, without being thrown to extremes every few weeks.

There's one good point in all this - I realize more and more that this world is not my home and I probably shouldn't want to settle as much as I do. It's going to end anyway, and there's an eternal stability waiting! Now if I can just get that through my thick skull and let it truly sink in.

A worship offering

Our Daily Blog's verse today was Micah 6:8, a familiar one to many of us. I grabbed my Bible and did some "around" reading to put it into perspective, and got this:

With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the Lord be please with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

THAT is worship. THAT is what God wants us to bring into His presence as an offering to Him. Justice, mercy, and a life lived with Him. Nothing that can be placed in an offering plate or counted in the church office or listed on a "tithe return slip". Just daily living out of what He inspires in us.

Darren D pointed me in the direction of Dan's post on church/social responsibility and priorities. He's got some very good points - but how many of us just rely on "the church" to take care of our social justice issues, to help out the needy and the poor from "what we pay them". And then go our own ways without a second thought. How many of us would rather use our power than express mercy. And how many of us truly walk with God in every aspect, every minute, every second of our lives.

How many of us miss the point that this is worship.

In my quest to discover what worship truly is, these verses have challenged my perceptions of what I bring to God, of how I live for Him as an act of worship. I'm adding this to my mental Worship Database as slowly I learn what it's all about.

Spamusement

Here's a guy that's turned his Spam Subject Lines into Cartoons! Now THAT'S a good way to use spam... perhaps the only use for it.

(Thanks Gauteng Blog for the link)

Preparing for Plenty

It's winter, but sometimes the cold lets up and the evenings smack of summer. We want to linger outside, leave the front door open, wander among the greenery until the colours fade into twilight.

Last week was such a time. I found myself outside after work, hunting out iris bulbs suffocating under the ferns and moving them to a new rose-bed home. Picking off dead arum lily heads and counting the new ones poking through the leaf canopy. Pulling up weeds and attempting to prune the roses (I hope they survive the onslaught!). Uncovering the first daffodil shoots from beneath old matted grass (is spring nearly here already?). Sitting still and watching an unafraid field mouse snack on Mixed Poultry Grain - did you know doves are classified as mixed poultry (well, they enjoy the food, anyway)?

Right now my garden is quite unimpressive. Only the arums are thriving and taking over. Everything else is bare-ground, leafless-stick dead. But look closely - there are tiny pink knobs on those stems, a promise of the new growth to come. Soon, very soon my dears, an explosion of leaves and fruits and flowers will surprise you. One day it will be bare, and the next it won't.

My garden isn't the only thing marking time. My heart and soul is too. I'm in the waiting room of God's Will, waiting to hear His next directions, waiting to find out what's next. I've trimmed back the old growth, I've cut my shoots down to the minimum, I've cleared the ground and pulled up some weeds that were taking root unnoticed.

And now I'm waiting. Treading water, marking time, counting the seconds as the clock ticks on. It's been a long time now, half a year nearly, but I'm still waiting. I can no more force the next growth spurt than I can make my roses produce blooms out of season. I can no more blog eloquently on deep God stuff (that isn't really in my head and heart, that I don't fully understand right now) than I can ask my tomato beds to give me a crop immediately.

The only thing I can do is wait and enjoy the view. What a view!

The Downside to Independence

I'm what some may describe as "fiercely independent" - I'd rather go through hell AND high water than ask for help. I'm inherently shy too, which doesn't help matters. I don't like approaching people to help, or imposing on their time/resources/good mercies. And as a result I often end up in the deep end of troubles, instead of the shallow end.

Case in point happened this weekend.

Friday was payday, and arrived JUST in time. We had run out of peanut butter, milk, bread and dog food - all pretty much essential in our house. Payday is traditionally Spur day (we eat out at our fave family restaurant), and the day I replenish all the non-perishables in our cupboards. This month it would also entail a trip to the veggie shop, as the potatoes and other natural goodies were on the low side.

But the car wouldn't start. Not at all. Not even after an hour of rolling down every available hill until we were a km from the house and out of hills. And still out of food.

Well, we had a few crusts of bread and some syrup left at home, so trudged up the hills and had that for lunch. I had no alternative but to put on my walking shoes, grab an umbrella and start for the nearest shop, 3km away, down a steep hill (which would be climbed on the way back, bearing shopping bags), to stock up on the basics for the weekend. A passing acquaintance gave me a lift half-way there, and I was lucky enough to be picked up half-way back. The other half either way had me realizing how unfit I am...

Just after sunset the car decided to start, and we took it home for the night for safekeeping.

But come Sunday, when I was hoping to try again for a mall trip, there was no reaction from the car. Late afternoon I roll-started it again, loaded up the kid, made it to the nearest shop (again for bread and dog food...), left it running with him inside as protector, and then got home.

It was booked in for a service this morning - and fortunately started for me to get it there. Hopefully the service will fix the problems!

But in all this I found it really, really hard to ask for help. I didn't want to bother anyone. I didn't want to make them go out their way. It was easier to suffer along in silence and feel sorry for myself. It's something I've been doing ever since I became a single mom at 21. Didn't want to count on anyone else but me, even if help was offered. And it's gotten worse - although the church offered to help with the car, I never got around to taking them up on it. It was too good to be believed, so I chose (subconsciously) not to by being too scared to phone them up and take them up on their offer. I almost picked up the phone many many times - but never got to the dialing.

This weekend I realized that it's possible - no, not possible, more like a fact - I'm TOO independent. I don't let myself rely on others, and it's often to my disadvantage. Working on correcting my attitude is going to take a lot of effort. I need to open myself up to trusting other's good graces, to accepting thankfully what's offered, to taking as well as giving.

Shabbat Shalom

Make us worthy Lord, to serve our fellowmen throughout the world who live and die in poverty and hunger. Give them, through our hands, this day their daily bread, and by our understanding love, give peace and joy.
-Mother Theresa

Kid Food: Cottage Cheese Loaf

NOTE:  This is the last of the Kid's Food Week posts.  Hope you haven't been bored to tears! :)  Normal blogging will resume on Monday.

This is a nice vegetarian protein dish, which my son used to hate, but now eats readily.

Mix together:
2 c crumbly cottage cheese (1 container, in South Africa)
2 c cornflakes
2 eggs
1 finely chopped onion
white onion soup (dehydrated packet soup) and garlic salt to taste - usually about 1/2 a packet
sprinkle of mixed herbs

Spread into a greased/sprayed baking dish, bake at 180C until browned and cooked through.  You can serve with a gravy, or just as is.

Kid Food: Foccaccia

This is a really easy Italian flat bread.  Here in South Africa you pay a good few bucks for a small one in the shops, but why do that when it's so easy, AND you can add what you like to it?

2 1/2 c flour
1 c warm water
1 tsp salt (I also add a sprinkle of sugar)
1 packet yeast
1/4 c olive oil
(dried herbs - optional)

Mix together well - you'll end up with a sticky dough.  Allow to rise until doubled.  (On warm days I cover the dish with a plastic shopping bag and stick it in the car, which stands out in the sun - or go shopping and leave it in the back seat to rise while I shop.  Works very well! :) )

Tip out onto a well-olive-oiled baking pan and spread with your fingers (if you sprinkle some oil on the top it won't stick to your fingers), allow to rise again about 1/2 an hour.  Top with herbs (rosemary is good), crumbled feta cheese, sundried tomatoes, or whatever takes your fancy.

Bake at 180C for 1/2 an hour or until browned - but not too brown.

Serve hot or cold - leftovers sliced up make great snacks when toasted lightly and topped with salsa, or used as the base for small open oven-grilled toasted cheese and tomato.

Worship: Different for all of us

Owen has this as part of a post on his blog:

"painting is where I worship best and most thrive..."

As I read it, I felt my head nod in agreement.  But for me it's music.

Last Friday night I hauled out an ancient Hillsong CD (Simply Worship II), stuck it in the CD player, turned it up to neighbour-hearing levels, and opened up my piano.  I spent the rest of the evening worshipping with my fingers.  I play by ear and instinct, and found that 2 years with a worship band have enhanced my ability to pick up the right key immediately, with my fingers automatically picking out the harmonious and slightly-unharmonious chords in the songs.

Somtimes I sang, sometimes I just played.  I'm not sure the neighbours were too impressed, but heck - I was worshipping!  (And they get up early on a Saturday morning to bother me with sounds of baths running and feet stomping around, so I can stay up late on a Friday night to bother them - right? :) )

I don't know much about worshipping any other ways.  Music is it for me.  I'm trying to learn, but it's a struggle - I still do it best with my fingers doing the worshipping.

Rain

They say it's the driest winter in 47 years.  That we're in for water restrictions and tariff hikes.  That the wheat crop is near to failing.  That dams are at their lowest ever.

There is rain coming.  I smelt it 2 days ago, when there were no clouds around yet to indicate its arrival.  This morning the mist gathered and grey masses have been slowly building.  Tomorrow morning I might awaken to the sound of rain.  They're predicting rain for the next few days - constant and drenching, with possible snow on the nearby mountains and cold front after cold front making landfall right on our doorstep.

They hope the rain is not too late.

I've got a drought-stricken soul.  I need Rain.  I need to hear it fall on my paper-dry skin, to open my mouth and feel it tickle my tongue.  I need to run outdoors in my underwear and dance in the showers from heaven.  I need refreshing new-growth deep soaking absorbing drenching.  Before it's too late.

Kid Food: Lollygobbleblissbombs (snack)

These are great for munching absentmindedly in front of the TV.

Mix together:
8 c puffed wheat cereal (unsweetened)
3 c unsalted peanuts / sunflower seeds
3/4 c sesame seeds

Melt and stir over low heat until smooth:
1/2 c brown sugar
1/2 c honey
1/4 c margarine

Pour over cereal mix, toss lightly to coat evenly.  Bake @ 140C for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Cool, store in airtight container.

Kid Food: Pancakes

An old family recipe, handed down for generations - or at least passed on from my mom to me... :)  These aren't the USA-type pancakes, more like thick crepes.  We eat them rolled up, filled with the stuff we'd spread on bread, or cinnamon sugar and lemon juice, or cream cheese, or even grated cheese and Marmite.  It's our weekly Thursday night supper special - for no particular reason.

2 1/2 c flour
4 tsp sugar
1 tsp salt
3 tsp baking powder
3 c milk
1/2 c water
4 Tbs oil
2 eggs
1/2 tsp vanilla essence

Mix (blend) until smooth, fry in moderately hot pan (we spray ours with non-stick spray instead of using oil) on both sides until done.

Kid Food: Pastasagne

(Basically Lasagne, but without the effort!)  Being vegetarian, my version of lasagne is made using soy mince, a cheese sauce and lasagne sheets (home-made).  I haven't tried the "restaurant version" of various veggies in sauce layered with lasagne sheets.  But this is the quick version for when I don't have time to make pasta, roll it out, cut it into sheets, make sauces etc.

Mix up 1 packet of dehydrated soy mince with a can of chopped peeled tomatoes, 3/4 of the recommended water from the packet instructions, a sprinkle of salt, sugar and herbs.  Microwave until cooked, stirring now and then.

Cook pasta (see Pasta with Tomato Sauce for the easy way to do it).  Drain, add soy mince mix, mix through thoroughly and serve, topped with grated cheese and tomato sauce (ketchup).

Add a salad, and you have a complete meal!

One of those days...

I'm not going to be posting much today (other than perhaps a few Kid Food entries).  I've got a lot of stuff to sort through mentally - including some serious visa issues.  I've got studying to do and planning for work.  I can't think deeply today and I'm not feeling very spiritual.  So if you're looking for good stuff to read, try some of the blogs linked at right (Correction, for example, has a superb post, go check it out).  Mine won't have much today.

The Soul of Worship

I spent some time reading this article by Mark Roberts, on what worship is all about. He's woven his thoughts around Matt Redman's new album, Facedown.

I've been struggling for a while now to find what worship really is. It's one of the reasons I ducked out of the worship team - I want to find MY voice in worship, what it means coming from ME instead of a crowd and a band (prescribed worship according to what the leader feels needs doing). This article has some good eye-opening insights.

Some thoughts:

* Worship isn't about what I get out of it, or how I feel when it's over. It's all about what I bring to God, IN SPITE OF what I feel. It's not for my benefit, it's not to fill my spiritual tank (though that can be a side-effect), it's about God and what He's done in my life - and that's why I worship. I like these lyrics off Matt's album:

We have nothing to give
That didn't first come from Your hands
We have nothing to offer You
Which You did not provide
Every good, perfect gift comes from
Your kind and gracious heart
And all we do is give back to You
What always has been Yours

Lord, we're breathing the breath
That You gave us to breathe
To worship You, to worship You
And we're singing these songs
With the very same breath
To worship You, to worship You

Who has given to You
That it should be paid back to him?
Who has given to You
As if You needed anything?
From You, and to You, and through You
Come all things, O Lord
And all we do is give back to You
What always has been Yours

We are breathing the breath
That You gave us to breathe

* We've lost a lot of the physical acts of worship we could and should have. Sure, we clap and raise hands (in most churches), but rarely - no, never - have I seen people fall face down before God in worship. Seldom do they even bend their knee in a contemporary service. And that says a lot about our attitude to God and the worship we bring Him. We've lost the awe that forces us face down on the floor in His presence.

* Biblical worship in song has been very distorted by many, if not most, praise and worship or contemporary type songwriters. It's become unbalanced between God and me focus, unbalanced in Trinity worship or acknowledgement, unbalanced in silence and speech/song. Brian McLaren touched on this recently when he urged songwriters, worship leaders and the "common man" in worship to rethink their theology and what they put into the stuff we end up singing. Freedom and innovation in worship is God-given, but still needs to be within what He requires from us as worshippers.

* Worship is corporate, as well as personal. We, as a body of Christ in union, need to worship as one and recognize that we form part of a whole before His throne.

* Worship is made "Christian" by it's recognition of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, by recognition of salvation from the cross, and recognition of grace. Matt's words again:

We will come in the name of Your Son
As He glorifies You
And in the power of Your Spirit

...

Your cross testifies in grace

Tells of the Father's heart to make a way for us

Now boldly we approach

Not earthly confidence

It's only by Your blood

...

It is the song of love's pure light

The grace reflected in these eyes

The overflow of those who know

They have seen You

We were disgraced, but You graced us

With the warmth of Your forgiveness

Now You lead us ever closer

To the pure light of Your holiness

*  Worship is diverse.  We're encouraged to "praise, thank, worship, and adore the Lord, to sing, shout, dance, and fall facedown in worship."  Worship is not just a time of singing (start fast, progress to slow).  It involves all I am and all I do.  Mark's church's Basics for Worship sums it up nicely:

 

"Worship involves all that we are - heart, soul, mind, and strength. We seek to worship with our whole being, holding nothing back. As we worship, we exercise our minds in thinking about God, our wills as we offer ourselves to him, our emotions as we open our hearts, our bodies as we follow the biblical imperatives to praise, sing, shout, clap, kneel, bow, dance, play instruments, and lift our hands to the Lord. As we offer all that we are in worship, we are transformed through an encounter with the living God. We experience repentance, forgiveness, renewal, healing, and empowerment for service."

 

*  Worship enables us to go out into the world, to be missional.  It builds us for witness and service.  Worship is not only entertwined with mission/service, but engaging in mission/service IS worship.

 

*  Worship is a love-act from us to God, but also encourages love among each other as worshippers and as God's children.

 

I'm slowly, slowly discovering what it is to worship in spirit and in truth, from my heart to God's.  And it's starting to look very different from what I expected to find.  It's yet another step forward on this incredible journey, started years ago and leading into some very surprising places.

Kid Food: Broccoli Soup

This is the ONLY way my son will eat broccoli, and one of the few green things we've gotten past his teeth....

In a large pot, saute (fry until soft) in olive oil and butter/margarine:
1 chopped onion
A generous spoon of crushed garlic

Finely chop a head or two of broccoli (use a food processor), add to the onion mix, add a cup of hot water and a tsp of salt, and let simmer until the broccoli is soft - adding more water if necessary.

Once cooked, but not cooked to death, thicken with a little cornflour mixed with cold water, then add milk until you've got enough soup to serve whomever will eat it. Check flavouring. If in South Africa, sprinkle in a bit of Aromat (I think the USA equivalent is McKay's Chicken-like Seasoning, but could be wrong).

Serve with a dollop of sour cream or plain yoghurt, or sprinkle with cheese. Have hot toasted home-made brown bread on the side, slathered in butter, just for added yum-factor.

Kid Food: Snacky Stuff Supper

This is a once-in-a-blue-moon treat meal that is surprisingly filling and which we both love. Good for eating in front of the TV, or sharing as a mid-afternoon snack with long-lingering friends.

Salsa:
Chop up tomatoes, add finely chopped onion, salt to taste, pinch of sugar and some fresh shredded parsely (if it's still alive after you forgot to water it for a few weeks).

Guacamole:
Mash ripe avo, add a scoop of cream cheese or plain yoghurt (Greek-style is great), a sprinkle of garlic salt, bit of lemon juice.

Serve with:
Variety of chips - potato chips, corn chips etc. in various flavours
Platter of vegetable sticks and bits (baby tomato, celery, cucumber etc.)
Peppadews (into which you may insert any of the following, or eat plain)
Blocks of feta cheese, other varieties of cheese
Variety of olives
Pickled onions and gherkins

Give everyone a plate each, put the rest of the stuff within easy reach, then sit back and munch.

Being Christ

This is what we should all be doing, today, now, if we believe in Jesus and want to live authentically for Him.

From Idelette's post, linked above:

"These days the spirits of Intimidation and Fear keep most out of the Downtown Eastside. Besides those who live there, it's only some Christians who still go in, really. And the police. And yet that's where we're meant to be. Light in dark places."

In the words of that famous little Microsoft thingy - "Where would you like to go today?" No, where WILL you go that will make a difference and be light in a dark place - today?

Spam Collectors

Ever had one of those friends who just seems to collect spam? All those powerpoint things, nice poems, funny pictures, "pass this on" warnings, pleas for sick relatives etc?

I seem to have one - and she's forwarding each and every single thing to me! Unfortunately it ends up in the delete box. I just don't have the heart to say "stop!". She thinks it's thoughtful and friendly to pass it on. I don't. Especially when you receive 20 such things in the space of 3 minutes...

I guess each one of those emails started out as a nice gesture - once upon a time at least. But they've been forwarded to death, done the rounds millions of times, and the nice gesture has become an email irritant. There's almost nothing new in heaven or on earth these days.

So is it better to let her think she's being nice by passing the message on, or tell her straight out to quit the spam? She likes them, others around here do too - I don't. Insensitive of me? Perhaps. But I'd rather get a genuine "how are you" from a friend than a million "pass it on's".

What I want to be when I grow old

When I am old (say, around 46 or so), I want to look like this:



Yup, that's Sharon Stone, age 46. Not fair.

They're Back!

Well, college starts today for our new students, and many of the returning ones are also already back.  I've been rushing up and down the campus since early this morning, checking on my "babies" (the new students) to make sure they're all there - all 8 of them it seems, as the second semester intake is not only small, but some are still struggling with flights and visas.  We expect a total of merely 20 new by the time registration closes.
 
Usually we get a nice, quiet mid-year break, with all the students and many of the staff away on holiday.  This year it was filled with intensive classes, teacher-training upgrades, and more noise than we expected.  Didn't feel like a holiday break at all.
 
So it's back to the usual semester routine from today on.  Tomorrow my son starts his third term of the school year and the next holiday will be when my parents arrive to visit from Australia at the end of September.  Time is flying past this year - I guess the older one gets, the more over the hill, the more speed you really DO pick up!

Kid Food: Chocolate Mousse

This is another winner in the dessert field - my in-laws go nuts for it.
 
Melt 2 bars (200g total) dark chocolate with 1/2 a can evaporated milk (Ideal or Carnation are the brands I know of) over low heat until smooth.
Add a small packet of white marshmallows (100g or so), stir until melted in.
Whip remaining 1/2 can evaporated milk until it's pretty stiff, then fold into the chocolate mix. (Reserve pot-licking rights and get to it before it cools too much)
Pour into a serving dish and refrigerate overnight.
Garnish (if you want) with crumbled peppermint crisp, whipped cream or similar.  (Reserve rights to the settled-out bottom layer in the serving dish...)

Kid Food: Haystacks

This one is a complete winner with kids and adults - and is nice and filling too.  It can be easily adjusted to feed a multitude, or just one.  You can vary it to taste, add stuff, take stuff away, and it is a fool-proof dish (unless you have a particularly foolish fool).
 
On a plate (or in a bowl to prevent things sliding off the plate), layer the following:
 
(Hot cooked Rice - optional, we don't add it, but some do)
Potato chips (crisps) or corn chips (one small packet per person is good, but if serving a crowd open a few big ones)
Hot beans (a can of baked beans in tomato sauce is good, or some home-made brown/sugar beans, but the recipe for what we do to ours is below*)
Grated cheese
Chopped tomatoes, shredded lettuce, or other salady-type things (like chopped onion, pickles, olives, or whatever takes your fancy - this is where customization of the dish comes in!)
Mayo, tomato sauce (ketchup) or other similar topping (I throw on a few home-canned sliced jalapeno chilies in garlic & olive oil for extra kick)
 
Eat!
 
------
*Jason's Masala Beans (my son came up with this recipe)
Fry a chopped onion in hot oil until softened
Add a can of baked beans in tomato sauce, 1tsp barbecue masala spice mix, a sprinkle of cayenne pepper, a sprinkle of mixed dried herbs, a dash of soy sauce and a dollop of tomato sauce (ketchup).
Heat thoroughly, stirring so it doesn't catch at the bottom of the pot.

Random Thought - LOTR

If Tolkien were resurrected and plonked down in front of all 3 extended DVDs, on a big screen, with surround sound, of the Lord of the Rings books he wrote - would he approve of what they did with it?  Would he say, "hey, that's just the way I imagined Orcs!"?  Or would he be upset that it didn't excatly follow the book, and added in bits that really aren't there?  Would he appreciate the artistic weaving of his story into a visual medium?  Would he have some pretty cool suggestions on how it could be done differently?
 
I hope Heaven has the DVDs in stock and a really good playback system....

Paradox

Today I found myself wondering how it could be flooding in the Far East - and yet here in Southern Africa we're experiencing a terrible drought.
 
How 3 neighbours can afford to glide by in huge, shiny, expensive cars, while I wait for a medical refund to afford to keep my car just running.
 
How some farmers in Australia are making it big, and others are committing suicide because they are never going to make it as the dairy industry slowly implodes.
 
How a full-time employed person can find every excuse not to work (and be paid for their time doing it), while the guy on the street corner pleads with his whole heart for any paying work.
 
How when you try to lose weight you gain it, and when you're not even trying you lose it.
 
How it took months, years on foot to explore and find a lake 100 years ago, and now every inch of the world is mapped by satellite (nowhere to hide).
 
How millions are dying for want of food, and yet just down the road there's a drive to supply soldiers with airconditioners.
 
How rare a real handwritten letter is (has it been years since I received one?), and how prolific spam emails are.
 
How the heart can love and hate in the same beat.  How it was created with the freedom to choose to do so.
 
How a jewel-like sunbird singing full-strength can move one passerby to tears, yet leave another cold.
 
How quiet is relative - in the silence of my office there is still an electronic hum I would not be able to sleep through. 
 
How views of God and what He wants from / for us can differ so widely from one person to the next.  And yet He loves us both equally.

Kid Food: Ginger Pudding (Winter Dessert)

This one's really quick and easy, for when you suddenly get the urge for dessert, but don't feel like the hassle of making something complicated.
 
Arrange one packet's worth of ginger biscuits over the bottom of an ovenproof dish.  Pour one litre of ready-made custard (or your own home-made version) over the biscuits.  Bake until hot through - the ginger biscuits "melt", making a sort of sticky ginger pudding with custard when dished up.  You can serve this with whipped cream on the side, or add in a few chopped dates before baking.  Use your imagination to jazz it up or minimize it down.

Kid Food: Lemon Fridge Pie (Dessert)

This is sinfully rich, but oh so worth it...
 
Grab a hammer and smash a packet of tennis biscuits (coconut tea-biscuit type things) into nice little crumbs - either in the packaging or in a ziplock bag.  (Pick out any remaining big bits and eat immediately.)  Melt 1/2 c margarine in the microwave and add to the crumbs, mixing to coat them completely - you may need to add a bit more melted margarine if it's too dry.  Press this into a pie plate, evenly on the bottom (the plate's, not yours - yours will get its share of this dish later...) and up the sides.
 
Open a can of condensed milk (reserve licking rights if there is a child in the vicinity, or share sparingly).  Add enough lemon juice to flavour it nice and lemony - about 1/4 to 1/2 a cup or so, or until it tastes right.  As you stir it in, the condensed milk will thicken.  Reserve licking rights to the bowl, or hide it in the fridge for later before the kid notices.
 
Pour this into your crumb-lined pie plate, refrigerate.  Slice into small wedges to serve.
 
(Best served with strong coffee to balance out the side-of-your-face-gland-juicing sweetness.)

Kid Food: Pasta with Tomato Sauce

We eat this at least 3 times a week:
 
In a pot of salted, boiling water (with a few drops oil added - yeah I know, it's a BIG "real cook" no-no, but too bad), boil up enough twirly pasta for 2, ie half a 500g bag, generally speaking.
 
By boil, I mean: bring the water to a boil, throw in the pasta, stir, turn off the heat, put on the pot lid and let it sit for 8-10 minutes. No burned pasta, no boiling over, perfectly cooked.
 
Drain over the sink in a colander once cooked - leave it there while:
 
In the empty pot, slosh in olive oil to cover the base, add a teaspoon of crushed garlic.  Heat it up and once sizzling, throw in a can of chopped peeled tomatoes and a small can of tomato paste.  Add a teaspoon salt, a teaspoon sugar and a generous sprinkle of dried Italian herbs.  Once heated through and nicely bubbling (leave the lid on for this or you'll be cleaning red tomato spots off the stove afterwards), throw your drained pasta in.  Switch off the heat, stir through thoroughly to coat the pasta with the sauce.  You can leave it a while to absorb the sauce too, which makes it taste great - but we're usually too hungry to wait.
 
Dole out into 2 bowls, cover in grated cheese and serve.
 
(Note - this is not a nutritionally complete meal, but who cares.  It tastes great!)

Kid Food Week

I'm declaring this Kid Food Week on my blog.  What's that, you say?  Well, expect to see recipes and such for things my kid will actually eat - stuff we've tried and stuck to.  Expect to see not many veggies.  Expect to see a good few desserts and one-dish meals.
 
Let the week begin!

"But I don't want to be saved!"

I'll bet you thought this post was going to be churchy.  Well, in a way it is, at least it started out as "church", or God-time or whatever, but ended up in a dash for salvation.
 
You see, Sabbath was a totally gorgeous day.  So late afternoon we toddled off to the beach for some outdoor God-time and to check out what was washing up as the day's special.  We found a heck of a lot of tangled fisherman's line and an ocean's worth of various types of seaweed, then decided we just HAD to find a fishing hook.  We sifted carefully through piles of seawaste, found a (dead) crayfish and (live) crab and a few jellyfish parts - and one hook!
 
On the way back down the beach, we found a smallish puffer-fish, around 10cm or so, washed up in the seaweed.  Dead.  A little further, another!  And then a live one!  We carefully scooped him up and chucked him back in the sea.  10 dead ones, then another barely-alive one who got the same flight and splash treatment.  Finally a VERY live one, puffing and blowing away.  Chucked him back.  On the way back we passed him again - washed up once more!  Perhaps he liked flying, cos after we chucked him in, my son went back and found him washed up AGAIN!
 
By now the sun was going down, and it was time to head home.  We don't know if he washed up a fourth time, but it seems he was trying to kill himself....
 
I don't think I've ever seen so many little puffers washed up, or even just swimming around, in that part of the beach before.  We found one at the rockpool once, but this was a literal plague of them.  Maybe it had something to do with the high tide that washed out so much seaweed and coral bits and jellyfish parts.  Or perhaps something toxic came down the stream or overflow pipes into the sea and made these little fishies want out.
 
I guess I could draw all sorts of deep, thoughtful lessons from this.  But I'm not going to.  I'll leave that up to you, if you will.  It was just one of those strange natural mysteries we ran into this weekend.

Shabbat Shalom

Lead gently, Lord, and slow
For oh, my steps are weak
And ever as I go
Some soothing sentence speak
That I may turn my face
Through doubt's obscurity
Toward thine abiding-place
E'en tho' I cannot see

For lo, the way is dark
Through mist and cloud I grope
Save for that fitful spark
The little flame of hope

Lead gently, Lord, and slow
For fear that I may fall
I know not where to go
Unless I hear thy call

My fainting soul doth yearn
For thy green hills afar
So let thy mercy burn
My greater, guiding star!

-Paul Laurence Dunbar

More on Australia

If you've been around here a while, you'll know we're trying to migrate to Australia, to join my parents in Sydney before they get too senile to recognize us.
 
Well, I recently received a letter from the migration department, requesting all the stuff I'd previously sent to them!  Can you say "disorganized"?  The last correspondance I had was not acknowledged, and I only hope the stuff I've sent through now will be.
 
It's pretty frustrating stuff to try move continents.  Especially if you'd basically given up hope, assumed your application was sitting in a 2-year pool, and started getting on with life in South Africa so long - only to find that it hasn't been pooled yet, and is still working its way across a desk!
 
I don't know what's going to happen with our application.  I don't know if moving to Australia will be the best thing we could do, or the absolute worst.  I'm living in limbo yet again.  Have been for too many years already.  It's keeping me from doing things, fixing things, trying things, that ordinarily I would have gotten under the belt a long time ago, but am hesitant to do "just in case".
 
So yet again we wait.  And trust our future to the good graces of a government employee on the other side of the planet.  And hope we're not classified as spies in the meantime....

Something funny happened in church last week....

Something funny happened in church last week.

There I was, sitting quietly and enjoying the "bring your parent" closing of the VBS programme. The kids were shouting and stomping their war-cries as each team tried to out-shout the other. The parents were grinning and trying to spot which team their kid was on. Smiley the clown was cheering with one half and Rocky the Skate-Dude cheering with the other. All this in the sanctuary - the same place the service takes place in a few days later. (There's a number of churches who wouldn't tolerate that!)

But then, this is one of the most unchurchy churches I've attended. Turn up any day of the week, most times of the day or evening, and you'll find half the youth hanging out, skateboarding down the aisles perhaps, or having a jam session on stage, or relaxing in The Works lounge - just hanging at a place they feel comfortable in and where they belong. You'll find others meeting up for a chat, or a planning session, or prayer. (You might even find me working on my car. Oh wait, that's done and finished.. :) ). When two young girls lost their mother to cancer, the first place they went was the church, where their friends surrounded them with love, sat as they cried, helped them laugh and process their loss. Every year the youth plan and present the kid's VBS. They lead in worship and Sunday School. They pray from the stage, "Shot Lord for a kiff day, we're stoked You love us." They've got an extended family in the rest of the congregation. Amazing.

And suddenly I realized I belonged. That I loved this group of incredible people and that was where I wanted to be. So it's a church, an institution. So what. Yeah, there's stuff that could be better, and I don't always fit in because I see things differently. But I belong. I'm missed when I'm not there and embraced when I am. Good, long, deep embraces that warm my soul.

Strange thing to have happen in a church, on a sunny weekday morning, surrounded by a hundred noisy kids.

For the Record

I wish to state, for the record, that I have yet to buy a tomato this year. And that we eat a heck of a lot of tomatoes. And that it's mid-winter, way past growing season. And that I cleared the garden of tomato plants a month ago. And that we're still eating the tomatoes that I started growing in September last year on a mere 1x3m plot - though admittedly, I'll have to buy some in a week or two, as there are only 10 or so left, ripening slowly on my kitchen windowsill. And that they were grown completely organically.

Not bad, hey!

Also for the record - home-grown tomatoes taste WAY better than the mealy, watery, pale-pink, tasteless ones you buy for 8 bucks a kilo in the shop. (And home-made strawberry jam beats any expensive bottled stuff hands-down in taste and aroma.)

(Yet another trivial blog-post that you didn't really want to read - but hey, it's my blog! :) )

Things that make you go "wow!"

I've been ploughing through a 200-odd page booklet this week on "Simplicity and Success". One of the very first items it brings up is that in order to create the life you love, you need to know what you love.

Last night's Oprah centred around amazing survival stories - extreme situations caught on tape that folk lived to tell about. (We seem to be getting random Oprah episodes here...) Each story was pretty awesome in itself, but something really struck me while watching two of the guests.

One is a storm-chaser (boy, wouldn't I love that job!). He says if there's a storm brewing, he just has to be there. It's his passion, as well as his job. His eyes light up as he describes being chased by a tornado, or chasing one.

The other works for National Geographic and loves animals - including the massive python they showed him capturing. He bubbles over with enthusiasm when he talks about his work. Reminds me a bit (no, a LOT!) of that crazy Aussie croc guy.

Funny thing was they both started getting interested in their fields of work while watching the Wizard of Oz as kids - one loved the storm, the other the flying monkeys (and Oprah loved the ruby shoes!). I guess that's why my son's so into dino's after watching Jurassic Park as a kid!

While watching their stories, I started thinking about the book I'm reading and realized I actually don't know what my passions are. Now and then I'll find something I enjoy, or that makes me happy, or that makes me go "wow!". But I haven't actually sat down and discovered what I'm truly passionate about. I know I'd like to make some changes in my life, perhaps look at making a living doing something I enjoy - but it's pretty vague right now as to what that is.

So, as a start, I'm going to create a new favourites folder on my browser. And when something on the net strikes me, makes me go "wow" "awesome" "incredible", I'm going to bookmark it to that folder. Sites like this, and especially this section.

Then I'm going to go back after a while, gather it all up into one heap and see if I can find common ground/s running through it all. And that should help reveal some of my passions, or at least give a bit of direction.

At least, that's what I hope!

Mid-week weekend

It feels like the single day I had off was an entire weekend! Probably because we really relaxed to the max.

Got up late, ate breakfast outside in the sun (our much-needed winter rain is holding off too long...), then spent a few hours wandering the mountain trails at the nature reserve, armed with our "Birds of Southern Africa" book. We found a few varieties we haven't seen before, and were there early enough to catch the morning feeding frenzy of birds, birds everywhere, munching seeds and insects and whatever else they find in the trees and bushes.

We ripped up the linoleum in the passage and spent a good deal of the day pouring acetone and scraping away to get the old glue off a wonderful parquet floor underneath. Fortunately it's only a little more than a square metre, but it's going to take some doing to get clean! I was considering attempting the lounge, but if there's anywhere as much glue under the carpet I think I'll give it a miss.

An afternoon nap was indulged in, as was a full hour of Oprah (it usually starts before I leave work, so I only catch the last bit, if at all - more on what I saw later!) and a leisurely walk in the field above the house with the dogs as the last rays of sun turned everything to gold.

Even stayed up later than usual to watch Alias!

And funny enough - I didn't miss the internet, email or blogging. Not one little bit. Didn't even cross my mind.

But I'm back now! So brace yourselves for the usual menu of insignificant thoughts... :)

Monday Bits & Pieces

I have forsaken my usual Monday "blogging frenzy" (thanks Darren) for today! Mostly because I'm pretty busy, but also because all the weekend thoughts haven't yet made it down to my hands. However:

* It being Monday, I have this sudden urge for a gigantic hot fudge choc sundae. My wish may be granted mid-week, because...

*...we are due for a complete building shut-down on Wednesday, and no internet/email on Tuesday this week, as the guys who are rewiring the building will be hitting the server room, and then the mains at those times. The acting boss (the others are overseas/on sabbatical) is considering us all going out for coffee and a munchie on Wednesday. Cool!

* So blogging will be lite this week at this address. Forced break. Probably good for me, and for you, as you will not be forced to endure my endless mindless dribble, posting whatever pops into my head because I'm permanently online.

* I got to see my little nephew again this weekend - amazing what a difference a month makes in one so small. I got to hold him and comfort him and he slept for an hour on my chest. Unfortunately, the remainder of the family seem to have some sort of tummy bug and were down sick yesterday. Wasn't the food - I ate it and I'm ok!

* My son and I took a walk for our God-time on Sabbath, and found that if you stay still long enough amazing things happen. Lizards come out to sunbathe on your rock and fall asleep, unafraid of you, birds stop by, you see things you would have missed if you'd kept going. Mini-mushrooms, a tiny X-spider in a dew-dropped web, the first (extremely optimistic) spring flowers starting out of wet earth.

* After 2 weeks of mediocre health, it seems my body is going to give out this week and demand rest. Better get it over with while there's still time to, before the next student onslaught in a week's time.

* I am now officially searching for an old longboard, though still not sure I can endure cold sea temperatures. I may have to take up surfing near the nuclear power plant up the coast... :)

* My son's eye check went OK. Dr Bougas (what a name for a doctor!) says there's nothing serious wrong, but we need to watch for his sight worsening or doubling. Not sure what the cause is, but could be the hard knock to the head he took when he fell at age 4.

* One of our (white, divorced mom of 2 teen daughters) lecturers is marrying one of our (black, much younger than her, refugee from Ghana) students this week - very suddenly! It's the talk of the town of course. And as usual I was the last to find out. (Some days I'm glad to be) They are due to move in next door to me in one of the new "popcorn houses" (built from styrofoam).

* As soon as the car is sorted out, my son and I are going to go check out an old volcano a few hour's drive from here. It's huge, but was once underwater when this continent looked very different a long, long time ago. It's in the middle of nowhere! We also want to go hunting for interesting stones, crystals and mineral deposits for his growing collection. Which reminds me - time to do that internet search for what we can find where....

Blessings to all for the week! I'll try be back soon.

Shabbat Shalom

Lord, I'm in a rush today. Too much to do and too many places to go. Worries and plans have taken over my head. Help me to rest in you on your Sabbath, to find peace for my soul, refreshment for my spirit and new life for my flesh.

"...and have not love..."

Love. Hard to define. Hard to re-find.

It's been many, many years since I truly loved.

I can remember the last time I completely loved. He was everything I thought I wanted in a guy then. Good looking yet average, a relaxed and funny guy, and we connected really well. Yet a few months later he literally drove me away, hurt me very badly, made me feel like the lowest of the low. We stayed friends, but my heart-damage was permanent. Sometimes I still wonder where he is and what he's doing - and if he's found someone to be with.

I almost-loved once after that. I thought it was love, and perhaps it was. It persevered in spite of some pretty hectic obstacles, and there may still be a trace of it somewhere, just needing proper care to be fanned into a fire again.

But having my heart progressively scarred in the past has left me with little or no capacity to feel love. It's like a protective layer has formed around that bit of me, not letting me truly invest in anything or anyone. Or like I've just forgotten how to love. Everything's surface, there's nothing real deep. I don't connect with my heart and soul anymore, nor do I let anyone in close. I don't miss people - when they're gone, they're just no longer there. I love my son, but sometimes I think not as much as it should and could be.

Not loving fully is perhaps the reason I'm so happy to be single, and content to be so forever if need be. I don't feel the need for the love of another, nor the need to give love to another. I don't even want it - and all the talk of "companionship in old age" goes over my head.

Unfortunately, the entire gospel, and my living out of it, rests on love. "The greatest of these is love." "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul." "Love your neighbour as yourself." "If you have not love, you're nothing more than an irritating noise."

Great...

What am I supposed to do with the gospel if I just simply can't love, if it doesn't seem to really exist in me anymore? How am I supposed to love God when I can't muster up love for anything or anyone else? It just seems so impossible. I can't seem to get through that thick skin, that scar tissue around my heart, to open it up to love.

Trouble is, if I don't find a way there's no way I'm going to be able to truly live out the gospel to those around me - to my family, my friends, just strangers I come into contact with. I won't be able to invest myself in true and deep relationships with others, or even find those connections that could lead to something more - that community of believers journeying together that I would like to be part of.

Without love, it's all just gestures - empty gestures of niceness, of goodness, without the real stuff backing it up and making it worthwhile.

I don't even know where to start to get that love thing back in my life and in my heart. I can't see the end of the string to unravel it. And I don't know if I really want to. If it's worth the potential hurts opening up will bring. If I want to be that vulnerable ever again.

Or if I just want to carry on being hard and cold and unmoved forever, never getting burned, but also never feeling that burning passion - ever.

I'm scared to ask God about this - scared what His response might be, or how it will change me. It's so much easier to stay where I am, safe from feeling too much.

King for a Day

Sometimes you read the Bible and it all makes sense. Then something just seems a bit odd. Like Matthew 21.

There's Jesus, proclaiming his kingdom and kingship is not of this world, then off he goes and "acts" like a king for a day! The traditional kingly donkey ride into Jerusalem, letting folk get all excited, the cheering and shouting.

What's up with that?

It's almost as if he WANTED people to proclaim him earthly king, then he turns around and becomes just a local guy again.

Was it just him trying on his second coming for size, a kind of dress rehersal? What was he trying to accomplish by getting the entire city into uproar, then calmly going off somewhere else for the night after chucking out moneychangers and other ill-fitting folk from the temple?

Maybe I just don't know enough about his motives on this one, but it suddenly seemed so out of place in the midst of his every-day activities.

Heavy

Got a heavy soul today. Too heavy to blog. No, nothing major wrong or anything, but just feels like it might go through the floor at the slightest provocation. Silence is the only solution for now.

(busy mulling something I'll blog about another day)

Here's summer!

Someone Big must be reading this blog - it's a wonderfully summery day today after a few weeks of cold! Last night was warm enough to have the front door open most of the evening (even killed a mosquito of all things last night) and today it's not at all chilly!

Aaah, a taste of summer at last!

::update::
Dropped the kids off at the holiday club, and took the long road home (not that much longer actually). It winds up the mountain slopes and through the "rich" area of mind-boggling houses. So close to nature, yet ensconsed in their own little fantasy worlds. The view from the top of the hill was amazing - mirror-flat sea, crystal clear mountains, valleys in shadow and cliffs in early sunlight. Love this place!

To-Do List

Been thinking today of some stuff I'd like to do (now, or later on in the year). Gonna list them so I can remember them, whether you want to read the list or not (so there! :) ):

* Price surfboards - the old, longboard or somewhat dinged variety (to match my car). Why? Well, to attempt to surf of course! First I need to lose some flab and get my fitness level up considerably, and that will involve more than a post-work stroll with the dogs in the field, digging for moles and mice. Summer is months away - I have a chance to get this done. And another requirement will be to find a very deserted beach in a warm-water area to practice. Ain't going nowhere near the "real" surf spots (or the flippin' freezing Atlantic) until I can at least stand up shakily and aim the board in the right direction. Also need to price flippers for J and probably wetsuits for both of us. J needs a leash for his bodyboard.

* Explore the R62. Similar to "Route 66" in the USA I guess. Lots of interesting back-water places, a nice drive through nowhere. Dependent on car and cash being OK. Also explore a few other back-roads over weekends. Road trips rock!

* Tear up the lounge carpet, the lino in the bathroom, passage and kitchen, and check what's underneath. If it's the parquet flooring I suspect in the lounge and passage, sand and polish. If it's cement in the bathroom and kitchen, re-lino or cement-wash with decent-looking stuff. Get employer/house owner/maintainer to help with costs....

* Get out of the food rut we're in. Find some other dishes that we both like, that are really easy and don't cost the earth, and that supply some of the stuff we aren't getting right now. Quit the "haystacks, or pasta, or potatoes-sossies-salad" routine. Find light supper meals that make it worth eating. Experiment on guests! :)

* Start planning a trip to my grandparent's farm in Pretoria, and/or Jason's hoped-for month-long holiday with his grandparents in Australia. Work out how much it's going to cost, and what it will take to achieve. Plan accordingly, a month at a time (ie get a timeline). Perhaps even get in a trip to Lesotho this time to go agate and amythest hunting in those rivers.

* Make a decision on the home-school thing. Yes or no for next year, and why.

* Seriously think about where I'm headed work-wise. Is it an option to stay until I've worked 10 years here (another 1 1/2 to go), and then get my one month extra leave that year, or do I give up on that idea and start exploring other ways to work and live? Viable or not?

* Find ways to reconnect with friends that I've let slide. Entertain more, hibernate less. Make time for family nearby and plan on at least a monthly get-together. (Find a way to get one of the sisters-in-law to actually come around to my place for the first time this year - either banish the dogs, or get a professional cleaning crew in the day before...:) ).

* Get some spiritual direction. For me and Jason. Quite um-ing and ah-ing and just do what needs doing. Connect with others on a similar journey right here - if I can find any.

* Take Danie up on that offer to learn how to service my car (he's the best mechanic I've met!). Or find a way to learn myself without completely breaking things and having to replace the car with a horse. Like one of those service manuals I used to see in CNA (where did they go, anyway?), or the neighbour who owes me one.... :)

* Start planning the summer garden. Move the roses, plant ferns or something else along the fence so the neighbours don't keep looking in, decide which veggies to grow come Spring. Start preparing soil so long while I wait for the earth to turn right way up again. Mow the lawn if it ever dries out enough.

I'm sure there's more, but that should keep me busy for now.

Deep in the books

Not much blogging going on here today. I've started my studies and am deep in the books (or rather on the net, as a lot of searching and linking is required for this part of the course). However, it appears I'm getting a forced break - one of the assignments I'm to do via the net is just not listed on the site. Have emailed the course folk to ask what's up, and until they reply I get a bit of a break.

So far it's really easy basic stuff - how the internet works, what info sources are out there and how to find them how email works, how to get a internet connection, basic, basic stuff. So am sailing through it (and hope I don't miss something important that I actually don't know!).

I'm goign to try keep ahead of the assignments, as many are due during really busy times at work. I'm hoping to complete them well ahead of time, but may run into some heavy stuff later in the course.

So far, so good!

God-Space

Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing.
- Isaiah 40:26

On Thursday night I just happened to step out the front door and see a large meteor flash across the sky in front of me, burn up and disappear. Wow. A second later, I would have missed it. I've seen another of that size only once in my lifetime - a few months ago in fact. (Wonder if the sky is falling? Didn't help that our movie of the weekend on TV was "Asteroid"... :) )

It's amazing to consider the universe we live in. The millions and millions of planets, galaxies, systems, space objects - all just floating around in ordered chaos out there. The thought that God has other created "people" (see Job) somewhere out there, other planets in all that vastness - yup, we're not alone. And I can't wait to meet them when God recreates us for eternity with Him.

Ever stopped off in the middle of nowhere on a moonless night to just stare up into space? It's awesome.

Can anyone look at the stars and doubt there's a God, holding it all together? Can anyone not be in awe of His power and love of beauty?

Shrek 2

We finally got to see Shrek 2 yesterday. Loved it! I don't think I stopped laughing for more than 5 minutes the entire time. There are so many subtle things as well as the obvious laughs - I loved the "Lord of the Rings" scene, for example. Donkey, as always, was priceless!

Some not-too-clever folk stood up and walked out as soon as the credits started to roll. Us, well we suspected we shouldn't - and didn't. So we got to see the half-credit snippet that they chucked in, together with only about a third of the folk who hadn't yet made it out the door. See what you miss if you leave too soon? :)

Once it's out on video, it's definitely going to be added to our collection and watched till the tape wears out (or we find a cheap enough DVD/player for it).

Oh SUMMER where art thou?

Mid-way through watching (surruptitiously) Blue Crush, I'm starting to get a bit tired of this Winter thing. It seems like it's been cold, cold, cold for the longest time. Winter started early and I can hardly remember what a hot day feels like now. My lawn is constantly water-logged. My washing takes days to dry. The verandah is growing moss. The dew still sparkles on the grassy bank at sunset. The sun rises behind the mountain, goes from there to behind the big pine tree, behind the garage block, then goes down. We get a few rays between mountain and tree - that's it. And they're cold rays at that.

This morning I dropped my son and 3 friends off at the kid's holiday club (VBS I guess) at church. My car has no heater and we had to put the fan on, windows wide open, to defrost the inside of the windscreen. When I got back to the office my toes were numbingly sore. The shoes I wore today can't be driven in so had to come off for the trip.

Watching surfing movies, girls with lightly burned noses in bikinis - well, it ain't helping none. I want the nice hot sun back, I want to sit on my lawn without freezing up. And I can't wait for my bumper-crop of self-seeding tomatoes to appear.

Where's your focus?

Nope, not that focus.

I'm talking about where your head spends most of its time. What you think about every single day, which creature lives in your worry-pond. For many of us it's money.

How often today have you thought about money? This week? Worried about it? Counted it? Wished you could win it? Dreamed about what you'd do if you had lots of it?

I read a very lengthy article this weekend on how churches and Christianity have dived headfirst into the marketing scene. How money has become a gigantic thing, bigger than the gospel, bigger than those around you, bigger even than God. Mega-churches, mega-book deals, mega-money-making conferences and programmes, mega-budgets, mega-salaries for the mega-pastors - while just down the road a homeless shelter has to close its doors due to lack of funds.

(As an aside, I heard of one mega-church in the USA that keeps a tithe-records room. If you want to do business with someone, you first go check out their tithe records, and only if they're up-to-date with a full 10 percent or more, do you go into a blessed business dealing with them... Scary!)

The article also talked about our personal relationship to money as Christians. How far we've come from the no possessions, everything in common first church groups in Acts. Those groups that sold everything they had and distributed the cash to the needy. Yet today we're hoarding, we spend on "little" luxuries, plan for retirement (as the article says, "who ever heard of God's people retiring in the New Testament?"), put away for our rainy day - when right alongside us are the poor and needy that Jesus implored us to care for.

I had to pause and do some very hard thinking at that point. Sure, I'm not rich. We struggle, but we have our needs met. We even have the option to go into debt with the bank to cover things our eyes desire. It's all me, me, me when the salary arrives each month - what do I need to do with the money for ME this month, what extras can I buy for ME?

And to take it a step further - would I have the same reaction as the rich young man did if God asked me to sell all I had, give the money to the poor, and follow Him? "But Lord, what will we sit on if I sell the lounge suite? But Lord, I need the freezer, the TV (both of them), a bed, a computer, that small stockpile of possessions? Perhaps You just want me to sell the things in the garage that I haven't used in years? Or should I give them away, or something? You can't really expect me to have NOTHING, can you?"

What would people say if I sold everything, if I gave it all away to the poor? That I was being stupid not to make a plan and a future for my son? That I am naieve, living with my head in the clouds, not making sense?

Do I REALLY, truly trust God to supply my needs if giving it all up is what He'd require of me?

Paying lipservice to Christianity, being good and nice and kind - that's easy. But REALLY living what Jesus taught. That's just plain difficult. It goes against all safe and logical action, it recognizes the temporary status of this planet and another kingdom not of this world, it defies worldly economics.

I look around me and see folk living in places and manners that I wouldn't want to. The bergies I ran into on Friday beg for meals and booze. They sleep on the street, shivering in the awful cold we can't seem to get out of. But they're as much God's children as I am. What should I be doing for them? What if I end up like them?

What if I end up like them?????

I like my little comfy place. I like my stuff. I don't like not knowing what will happen next. I like to know what I'm eating for lunch. I like having my own car, my own bed, my own, MY own...

Could I really, truly give it all up for God? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

(I shared these thoughts with the staff for worship this morning - didn't go down well, I'm afraid)

"Unlucky" Friday?

I had to check my calendar on Friday to make sure it wasn't the 13th...

I had a heck of a lot to do on Friday afternoon (we close at 1 on a Friday, and then rush off to do the shopping, clean the house etc before the weekend, and Sabbath). First stop, the optometrist in town, to pick up my contact lenses after last week's eye test. Next stop was to be the mall, a little way out of town, and kinda becoming a town all in itself!

One problem. Car wouldn't leave the optometrist's parking lot. It stalled, then chugged, then hurr-hurred, then simply gave up. Not a good place to do so - I was blocking traffic in a big way, and was soon surrounded by the local "bergies" (homeless hang-around blokes), collectively smelling stronger than the nearby bottle store, and all eager to push the car in return for a few bucks. The parking lot security guy turned up though and managed to chase off a few, except for one guy who just wouldn't go.... Yet still the car stayed put. We pushed it into a parking place and I went off to find a solution to the problem - ie, do my shopping nearby, think through options and pray....

Back at the car half an hour later, it started first time! Relief, but still had to pay off one bergie with 2 bucks before he'd leave, or let me leave. We jerked on up the hill and limped home (the car needs a serious service - still haven't gotten it done, and suspect the fuel filter is very dirty). Missed out on getting a few planned items at the mall, like a new watch battery. But also avoided the temptation of spending money I don't have on a very low-priced, "proper" digital camera to replace the cheap one that died last week.

Episode 1 complete.

After 8 years of a yukky stained toilet, I had decided to invest in an extra-strong 3-in-one product that had advertised itself "able to get rid of stubborn stains". And boy did it work! ALL those stains are GONE! (Moral of the story - use products designed to clean where they're supposed to, and not just the nearest bottle of whatever's lying around) I can't stop looking into the toilet to admire it's shiny whiteness. But in the process of scrubbing, a tiny drop of the very caustic cleaner ended up in my eye. I washed it out immediately, but developed a blister-like swelling on my eyeball, very painful. It being late on a Friday, and the car being dodgy, I didn't "seek medical advice" as the bottle of cleaner indicated, but rather washed it thoroughly with cold water, then lay down to rest for an hour with my eyes closed. By morning, the swelling was down and the pain was gone. But I missed out on doing a good few things I had to do on Friday afternoon as a result.

Episode 2 complete.

I'm tempted to cry out "why me Lord" on days like this. Why all the trouble and strife? Why one thing on top of another? Why not let me get everything done I need to do without worry or stress over things I didn't plan for? Why not just give me one hassle at a time instead of more than one? I could deal with that!

But I'm not tempted enough to actually cry out.

Why? Because God has a plan. He sees the big picture. I'm just muddling around here like an ant in a potplant, not always realizing there are larger things out there than my little world. And God had a plan when these things happened too. Perhaps I wasn't meant to go anywhere near the mall for a reason He only knows, and I will only find out in heaven one day. Maybe my planned afternoon was so full of rushing around that I would have been worn out and depleted by the time Sabbath arrived. I would not have had the energy to spend time with my son, but would have been too tired to talk and listen.

So on "bad" days like this, I'm content in knowing God's in control, even when I've lost it, when my little agenda is smashed to bits. I rest in Him and in knowing He will work all things together for my eventual good, even if it's not the immediate good that I thought I needed.

Oh Blogger where art thou?

Blogger is up to it's tricks again. I have to re-reload blogspot pages to view - again. I wonder if it's a sign of a major crash to come, or if it's just being fiddly today.

And if it's a major crash - whatever will I do if I cannot blog? :)

(Decent blogging to come later on today)

Shabbat Shalom

My God, I love thee; not because
I hope for heaven thereby,
Nor yet because who love thee not
Are lost eternally;

Not with the hope of gaining aught;
Not seeking a reward;
But as thyself hast loved me,
0 ever-loving Lord,

E'en so I love thee, and will love,
And in thy praise will sing,
Solely because thou art my God,
And my eternal King.
- Francis Xavier

Why Sabbath?

And so it starts...

My first package of study materials for Web Design has just arrived - including a 5cm thick manual on Internet, which seems to contain nothing I don't know already. I suspect this first stage of the programme may be pretty easy.

For the next 6 months I will once again be an official student, while still working fulltime. Fortunately my employer is paying for the entire course and all related materials, so that as webmaster I can actually get some training and not have to maintain/design the seat by instinct alone.

It's going to be hard to get back into study mode again. But this is something that I get to do at work, as part of my job, and I can use the site I'm expected to maintain as my practical component. So there won't be too many late-night study sessions. Most of the course requires internet access, so has to be done here (no internet at home). I just hope I can keep the momentum going and not be tempted to procrastinate on assignments and tasks.

Back to the books for me!

Art-Journalling

I did it! I started a sketch-journal last night, inspired by the artist I mentioned yesterday.

I've always struggled to keep a written journal, a daily diary that sort of thing. But this is so much fun! I've started off just sketching stuff around me (while watching TV) - the dog, the bedside stuff, my shoe propped up on the bed etc., then filling up the surrounds with word-art. Got my son doing it too. We've just taken the nearest lined-paper leftover school book, a blue ballpoint pen, and gotten going. We've both come up with some not-too-bad stuff, and are enjoying it immensely.

Today I'll invest in a non-lined-paper, decent quality small journal for each of us, with a nice pen each, and see where it takes us. I want something small enough to pop into the handbag and take all over.

Later I might try binding my own journal, once I'm truly up and running with this, but not just yet.

Looks like I'll be getting enough practice to rediscover my arty side after all! :) And no, I'm not going to post pics of what we did here....yet.

Blogging, Journalling, Creating

OK, so I haven't said much this week, but I have been reading, and reading, and reading. I came across a very creative blog, Everyday Matters, recently, and am still trawling through the archives. (His sketches are exquisite!)

The author had some very insighful thoughts on what journalling is about, what it should be for and how to go about it - a lot of which relates to blogging too.

Find it here: The Good Book. Also contains some interesting perspectives on Art & Community vs. Religion, and how easy it is to draw - everyone can do it!

Another excellent post on living/drawing/journalling: Living Well through Bad Drawings.



Found via the extensive archives at wish jar journal.

Life under the Thorns

One of the few lucid thoughts that made it through to my brain this week came while reading Matthew - the story of the sower and the seeds.

This time, instead of saying "oh, of course I'm the good seed/ground!", I took a hard look at each of the soils. And found myself living in a thorny patch.

I love the message of God, and I want to live it. I start to, but then life takes over - the endless treadmill of work, home, eat, sleep, be a mom. And before I know it these have become thorns, choking out my Son-light and making it hard for me to see. Instead of verdant green, I'm a glow-in-the-dark sickly pale, bearing only the beginnings of undeveloped fruit and struggling to survive.

I need transplanting. But it would take a thick pair of garden gloves and a large tweezers to get me out of where I am. Once out, I may have a struggle to adjust to the new, bright light.

But I need it. Time on this planet is short, and I don't want to end up in the burning pile of weeds when the harvest is sorted.

Lord, please get me out of this thornbush!

Barely Alive

Thanks to everyone who has left "get well's" for me. Still very sick, but have to be at work to process the last 2 international students - if I don't they won't get their study visas in time to start soon... Unfortunately they haven't gotten the documents I need to me yet - even though I've been bugging them all week to hurry up.

I managed a short rest yesterday afternoon, interrupted by the sounds of my son being very ill. He came down with a nasty stomach bug early in the morning, and it lasted till late last night. He's back to being full of beans today, but I'm not.

My brain's in a fog, not much to say - just wanted to let you know I'm still around.