Shabbat Shalom



Blessings for the weekend ahead.

Free!

"Would you belive me if i said
that God can make miracles happen today
would you believe me if i said
that you don't need to wait for the answer before
you step out in faith
would you believe me if i said
that nothin is ever impossible.. for God"
- Hillsong


For 21 years I've been a trichotillomania sufferer - approximately translated as "hair pulling madness". It's not something I've admitted freely (yet here I am telling the world!:) ). Few know about it. Stress and tiredness makes me literally pull my hair out, and over the years it's become something I do unconciously, compulsively. It's something I'm ashamed of, something I hide from others - it leaves me with bald spots that are carefully hidden under my long hair by the most appropriate style I can manage.

Over the years I have tried and tried to stop. I have given up certain foodstuffs now and then, tried the "replace one habit with another" theory, asked God to help me stop. No luck.

Yesterday I came across a testimony by a guy who suffered for many years from nailbiting compulsions. A guy who was cured of it, not by asking for God's help, but by asking God to simply take it out of his life.

Tentatively I asked God, "Can You really do that for me too? Do you have the power?", knowing full well that God is all-powerful, able to do anything!

His answer came immediately. For the first time since I can remember, I have no urge to hair-pull. I'm not trying to stop it, I'm not trying to control it. The compulsion is just gone. I don't even think about it.

OK, so it's not a drug addiction or anything life-threatening. But it's something that has significantly lowered my self-esteem and self-worth. It's sapped my confidence and made me worry what other people think instead of focusing on being in the moment, living.

And now it's gone. I have no doubt for good.

God is awesome! He took time out from running the universe to free me! I must be important to Him...

Tell me the Old Story

In the town where I live we have a lot of retirement homes and villages. If you hit the shops on a weekday morning, you're likely to be stuck in a traffic jam of walkers and blue-haired ancients examining the shelves. Or behind a barely-visible old lady in her car, calmly driving in second gear at the minimum speed limit.

Unfortunately many of these folk are "home" less - they have been dumped into places that will care for them by family members they barely ever see, left to fend for themselves among strangers.

My gran (little gran we called her, she could fit under your armpit standing her tallest) faced just such a situation. She had longed for years to retire in a certain home in Cape Town, but once there she never ventured out her room, never made friends and slowly lost her short-term memory. She could remember walking to school with her sister Laura, and their pet cheetahs, but had to keep asking who I was. We lived a fair distance away, but those of her family who were close enough didn't have the time to spend with her.

What a wealth of knowledge these places hold. What a wisdom of years! And yet we let it rot away and die without ever tapping into the stories our elders have to tell. We never sit at their feet and learn from their experiences. We don't delve into their pasts and discover the unique and wonderful people there.

I once interviewed a 95-year-old movie theater owner for a magazine. She told tales of being the first woman to own a car in the town (a car with few brakes and no windscreen, that crashed into the local bar when she couldn't stop in time), of joyrides over the sea in the first small plane. She showed me pictures of her husband's dance band, who won the championship for non-stop playing at the first hotel. Told how in the "old days" the sailors would start fights in the upstairs section of the cinema, rolling down the stairs as they fought. The cinema is still one of the most wonderful to go to - in winter they provide knee blankets! No frills, cheap, bring your own refreshments, but you're personally thanked for attending by the manager when you leave.

I only scratched the surface of one person's story. Imagine how many more fascinating tales are contained within the walls of the old-age institutions! How many will die out when these precious gems leave the planet.

We've lost out in our modern lives - we no longer gather the tribe nightly around the fire to learn from our elders. We just ship them off to somewhere peaceful to live out their days without bothering us.

Perhaps it's time our local newspaper published some of these stories, as a means to getting them out there. I'd be more than willing to spend a few hours listening!

Yup, I think I'm gonna contact those newspaper folk...

"But it's Comfy here!"

I've mentioned that this past weekend's gathering at the building we call church was a nice experience and that I enjoyed it and God did some work. He regularly stops by, actually, in spite of it being called a church.

But away from the building we call church and the people who gather there weekly, I'm still bothered by a lot of things that happen and don't happen there. I still feel this need to get out and take a step into the unknown, to see what God has waiting. Or what I hope He does.

But it's nice and comfy where I am. I'm not an official member, so am not expected to do certain things like join the "singles" or "young mother" weekly cell groups. I'm not expected to take on responsibility, as I may not have the same "doctrine" (no-one's asked what mine is, but they ain't taking chances!:) ). I can turn up a few times a month, piano-bash to the enjoyment of all during a time called worship, have a nice time with cool people, then go do my own thing. Friend Cathy checks up on me now and then, but has never found out what's REALLY going on, and I haven't made any significant waves.

It's like having to get up on a winter's morning in the dark for work or school. You know you should, but it's warm and comfy where you're at, so you say "just a few more minutes". And before you know it, you've fallen asleep. It's way too late. You've missed out.

Very soon I have to decide what to do. I can't stay torn in two forever. Now that it seems we won't be moving to Australia I have to know what I'm doing here, now, instead of holding out "until we go" before making a big change.

I SO need wisdom to know how and what. To understand what next. To trust there's Someone waiting to catch me as I play Trust. I've seen both sides of the coin - those who stay and are happy, those who go and are happy. I wish I could sit down with them and hear their journeys (I may email a few to ask for their stories, in fact).

I need to know things will be OK, that it's worth this almighty struggle between comfy and nice, or uncomfy and better. I need words to explain to those who will not understand, but whose minds I wish to open. I need courage to ask a discouraged friend along on this potential journey, wisdom to know what to tell her and how much to share at once instead of overwhelming her with the destination.

I've got a foot out the bed, but it's cold and it's dark. It's so much easier to just stay put and be comfy....

African Proverbs

"Life is a message – listen to it. Life is a belief – trust it. Life is a gift – accept it. Life is love – think about it. Life is an adventure – dare it." Northern Sotho proverb from South Africa

"Having little knowledge is like having your hands tied around your neck like a slave." Hausa proverb from Nigeria

"We dance, therefore we are." Unknown

"Genuine love and friendship is like hot charcoal that is covered by ashes; when you return back to it much later and poke it a little it is rekindled and reactivated anew." Ethiopian proverb

"One’s name remains above the grave." Ethiopian proverb

"An old man sitting on the ground sees something a child can't see even if he climbs a tree." Dagbani proverb

"Wisdom is attained at sixty; money is accumulated at thirty – if only the process could be reversed!" Ethiopian proverb

"The drums of war are the drums of hunger" South African proverb

"A night without roosters will still end." Burundi proverb

"If I have decided to love somebody, I oblige myself to be patient with him/her." Sumbwa Proverbs from Western Tanzania

"When they gossip about someone listen as if it were about you." Ethiopian proverb

"A bird cannot know where the sorghum is ready to eat unless it flies." Burundi proverb

"You can run quicker than an old man, but for his wiseness and his words you are behind." Sumbwa Proverbs from Western Tanzania

"Bees sting him who loves honey." Kuria Proverbs from Northwestern Tanzania

"To his hosts the incoming stranger first appeared like gold, then turned to silver and eventually ended up as crude iron." Ethiopian proverb

"When two elephants jostle, that which is hurt is the grass." Swahili proverb

"The owner of a cheerful heart will find his joy ever increasing." Swahili proverb

"The speaker of truth has no friends." Swahili proverb

"The "hurry-hurry" person eats goat; the one who takes his or her time (or hesitates) eats beef." Sesotho

"The last partridge to rise gets the most sticks thrown at it."Zulu proverb

"A child who is carried on the back will not know how far the journey is." Nigerian proverb

"When taken for granted, gold in one’s hand is sometimes considered like cheap copper – so are people." Ethiopian proverb

"When teeth bite the tongue, it is not the case of hatred." Chamba proverb from Nigeria

"A mother’s womb is technicolor; it gives birth to any kind and character of children." Ethiopian proverb

"A rope which is pulled for a long time, breaks." Kaonde Proverb

"As the chimp gets higher and higher climbing the tree it exposes its unflattering behind." Ethiopian proverb

"If you educate a woman, you have educated a population" Kiganda proverb

(from women24)

Today, Being Thursday

Today I'm going to quit posting useless dribble on my blog and do something useful instead. Wrestling inner demons and talking nonsense can wait until another day. There are bigger things at work in the world, in my workplace, and I need to sit up and pay attention. There are things I need to rid myself of, and things I need to find again.

Strange Referrals

OK, I never knew how some folk were finding this blog...until I actually EXPLORED my SiteMeter site! Yeah I know, blonde... :)

And found this yahoo search had somehow turned up my blog: "sermons peeling onions christians". What the...???

Ooooohhhh, it was that "Ogres are like Onions" poem I posted. Geez.... :)

But the "lecturer's duty" referral? And "bey blade party invitations"? That's stretching it a bit.

Pure

Staying with the somewhat "mysterious" theme of my previous post:

I've been wondering if we modern (post-modern?) folk could ever have a pure form of Christian being / worshipping, or if we've come through so many thousands of years of being influenced by those we've influenced (pagan practices and ideas, or other cultural and traditional beliefs that have crept in unnoticed) that we don't actually know what it looks like anymore!

We've got rituals, prayers, ways of doing things that have arisen out of an obscured past. That may have started as a compromise between the Pure and the Local to keep the peace, but whose origins are lost in history.

So many of us are enamoured with ancient texts and rituals and find our hearts yearning for more of the same. Is it our pagan roots calling, or do these truly express a purity we've lost? Is there even such a purity? Or will we be forever mixed up in trying to figure out Truth from Tradition?

(If I'm not making sense it's because the sun hit my office and has been beating down on my brain for 3 hours straight now... :) ).

Ghosts?

Ran across a "post your own real ghost story" thread on a discussion board last week - it generated more comments than most themes! Everyone had to put in their story, or their views. Some pretty freaky stuff there (and some pretty freaky people too!).

Got me thinking. What about the Christian view? DO Christians have a view on ghosts and such stuff? Does it depend on what you believe happens when you die - either that you "sleep" or that you "wander" or that you are assigned to "heaven" or "hell"? Does that influence your view on what these folk are seeing - whether evil spirits, or unexplained forces, or loved ones from beyond? Is there a reason why kids are more susceptible to seeing and sensing things, why animals are, why a half-awake or relaxed state is more likely to bring on a "sighting"? Why ghosts seem to prefer having their picture taken digitally? :)

I know my dad's seen at least one ghost - before he became a Christian. Hasn't seen one since that I know of. Does that have something to do with things, being a Christian or not? Do Christians see angels, not ghosts? :)

OK, so there's a load of stuff that our 10%-used brains know nothing about. Stuff we can only guess at. Energies and occurances we can't comprehend or attempt to explain. Like feeling the presence of memory in an ancient forest.

I know I've awoken at night to feel evil and terror trying to press in - gone after some panicked praying or similar. Bad dreams hanging on into half-conciousness perhaps...

But ghosts? Still trying to figure out what a Christian response to that one should be...or if Christians should even be reading ghost stories! :)

Much thought, no blogging - making up for it with this post!

It's been an interesting weekend/week. It feels like a lot has happened, like a lot has changed, but most if it is just in my head.
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I'm feeling quiet inside, at peace, content in a way. Strange for someone who has had a mighty dream of 10 years squashed thoroughly. Perhaps it's just emotional relief that we tried, failed and now have direction - or maybe we don't. You see, our visa application could still go either way! But for now we are here, native South Africans at home in our own land, settled in a way of life, a space and a practice of being that doesn't have to change immediately.

(Did you know we celebrated 10 years of democracy yesterday, that we re-inaugurated our president for another, final 5 years? That we were still celebrating long into the night? As much as we can brush off an event like this as "oh well, another use for the taxpayers money", it's a privilege to live in a relatively free land. It's worth thinking seriously about, especially with our neighbouring Zimbabwe as such a contrast.)

Yet we as a family are seeking change and building it into our daily lives bit by bit. There are plans and great things afoot. There is progress and direction. Feels good! I have goals for today, for this week, for the coming month - all aimed at a place we want to be in the future. There are things falling into place so quickly that I can only assume it's another of God's open doors, of Him telling us what to do and where to go.
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I had my little chat with my friend Cathy to talk about my worship team involvement. Unfortunately I didn't get to tell her the whole truth. I mentioned only one aspect, and got a response from her that indicates she has no point of reference for the way I'm seeing things. She defensively justified the church's spending on themselves instead of looking at deeper community involvement. In her mind Christianity revolves around the church as building and programmes and activities - but I'm seeing it so completely differently. She wouldn't understand the little I mentioned about dark places with no glimpse of God, not even knowing if there's Anyone out there. So I told her that I've had a tough few months and left it at that. Didn't go into getting out of "organized religion" or anything else.

However, this weekend turned into an interesting and feel-good one at the building we call church. We had an amazing musician take the service I played at (and our worship team outdid themselves this week!). It was an incredibly moving service - he changed tack half-way through as God led him, the result being a few committments to God made by young and not-so-young.

As a result of our team leader up-and-leaving, I was asked where I stood, if I would stick around and help. For now, yes, I will. I cannot say what the future holds, but there is a feeling that things are changing. A change is as good as a holiday! :)
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I heard God yesterday!

We were wandering the local crafts fair, eyeing all the goodies (and garnering ideas for making our own, cheaper goodies!). We finished looking, and came away with only 2 cheap items, which left me with a certain amount of cash in my wallet.

Just outside the fair stood a street-gentleman. You might call him a beggar, or a homeless man, or whatever. As I was walking toward him, I heard God say "give that man the money you have left in your wallet" - it was that specific amount. I almost ignored the voice. But as I passed, he asked for "a little money for a loaf of bread". That I could NOT ignore - I knew I would regret it forever if I did! So I obeyed they voice and handed over the cash, more, much more, than he had asked for. Enough for bread, and a few veggies and a bit of milk to wash it down with. He wished me God's blessing as I left.

I wish now that I had taken more time, sat down with him and heard his story, made a deeper connection than a note of money and a touched hand.

I wish I had the assurance that it wouldn't go on booze. It's something I'm not allowing myself to think about.

But still - I finally heard God's voice again! It's been a while....
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I'm working on some serious creative outlet. Photography and charcoal sketches. What I saw at the craft market yesterday convinced me that I AM good enough in both of these to be worth looking at.

I'm overflowing with ideas for both. I want to experiment with black & white photography a bit, and frame the colour stuff I've already done. There are some pictures I'll be submitting to the local paper's "photo of the week" and a couple of magazine competitions.

I'm working at sketches of hands in charcoal - old and wrinkled with stories to tell, black and white connecting as friends, hands asleep, hands in action. I've had no experience in using charcoal - I've always drawn in pen or pencil in class or on whatever's lying around, and it usually is lined exam paper! I'm looking forward to developing my own style and discovering how charcoal and paper interact.
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This morning a reply from the City Council was waiting in my email inbox, regarding starting a community garden in nearby Lwandle. Contact numbers, encouragement, past experience of what did and didn't happen. Exactly what I needed to start on the exciting and difficult road to making a difference locally.
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Life, today, is good.

Blog Break

I'll be in a mini-blog-break until Wednesday. A public holiday, a day off and a weekend in between, then I'll be back.

I leave you with this image, taken last week with my new little digital camera on a misty morning.

Shabbat Shalom!

Today's laugh brought to you by...

...Getaway magazine. Check out their Funny Signs Gallery, and make sure you scroll through all the months!

Back to School - hopefully!

I've just put in a request for my employers to pay for a 6-month Dreamweaver/Macromedia suite course. I am in charge of our website but am flying by the seat of my pants, learning as I go.

If approved, it's going to mean hitting the books once again, writing exams etc, but this is the "fun" type exam. It involves developing and submitting a website, but I can use our one for that, studying in working hours as I get the site updated!

If they want a decent website, they'd better get me some training! Without it, it's going to take an age to work out, and will not be as good as it needs to be. I'm currently required to develop and improve the website with no training, no extra pay, in my "spare time"....

Holding thumbs that they approve my request!

::update::
Seems it's a cautious "yes", it will be budgeted for under "staff development and training". Yeah! That opens up all sorts of options for the future!!!

Mass Exodus?

I got a frantic phonecall from Cathy last night to say "urgent meeting at the church tomorrow - Richard's resigned!" Richard being the guy that heads up the entire Worship Team (currently renamed the Creative Arts Ministry Team). It's been a long time coming, but now it's official.

I can't make the meeting (it's during work hours for me), but Cathy managed to throw in to the conversation that she'd like me to take over a part of her duties, being present for every evening service practice to make sure the music works, to make adjustments if necessary and be the listening ear. With that I finally told her that I've been considering giving a month's notice on the worship team...but now that Richard's gone I'll probably have to stick it out a bit more. One of our drummers has already left due to "committment to the team" issues - he just wouldn't pitch at times because his heart's not in it.

Neither is mine. But is it better to turn up for your duty and play with no heart for it, or disappear because you have no heart for it? That is the question!

Cathy is sure we're under attack from the Evil One as a team - but do lack of passion and a feeling of not wanting to be there qualify as attack? Does an impression (perhaps from God) that you should get out to continue a learning curve elsewhere qualify as an attack? Does burn-out after 7 years leading a worship team qualify as attack? I'm not so sure...

Anyway, Monday being an off-day for me, Cathy and I are going to sit down and have a little chat over coffee. She hasn't had time to hear what's been going on with me in the past few months, and I haven't felt like saying too much, but it's time we talked. I need to bounce things off her brain and see if she has any insight to share. She needs to know where I stand and why. And that I may not be around much longer.

Parents & Teachers

I was called in to see my son's teacher over lunch. Same issue that he's been struggling with since 2nd Grade has reared up again.

He's very artistic and creative, learns differently from the others and has trouble concentrating when there's noise around - so he doesn't often finish his work in class. He takes up to 3 hours to complete 2 items of homework too. But he gets the latter done. He just doesn't have the luxury of time in class.

His teacher is frustrated - she can't keep reminding him to hurry up and isn't sure if there's something else that's keeping him back. The upshot of which is, I need to go get him tested.

When he was 4 he took an almighty whack to the back of his head when he slipped and fell jumping off a pile of laundry. I hope that hasn't caused internal problems, but am worried that it might have something to do with his struggles.

He would do VERY well homeschooled, with enough time to work on each project, no jumping to something else after an hour or so. It would be difficult, but not imposssible, for me as a single parent to homeschool him. I'm keeping it as an option, considering that we're thinking "apprenticeships" for post-school "education", or similar.

In the meantime though I will have him tested. Perhaps it will help both the teacher and him cope this year. He's not stupid - he's pretty intelligent. All we have to do is figure out how to help him get his work done in the time allowed by the school.

Cut the Crit

While on my spiritual growth curve, I've found myself being overly critical these days - critical of TV sermons, other's conformity to the crowd, meaningless traditions, lack of vision. Just about anything you can think of related to the "normal" church, I'm getting critical about. And some things NOT related to the church too. I'm judging, as if I know better.

It's not good.

It stems from the huge amount of learning I've done, the wider perspective I'm developing and the tolerance for a different way of thinking/doing things/being. All of which are good in themselves, but should not result in my being critical of others!

It's hard not to be, I have to admit. Not that I'm better than them, not at all! Some would say I'm way, way worse. Too liberal, too openminded, too ready to change or follow undefined roads. Too scary!

A critical attitude is something I need to work at deleting from my thoughts. Can't do it alone. Just gotta work with God at rooting it out and hearing Him past my own opinions, wherever He speaks.

Implications

So what are the implications of not getting a visa?

(Forgive me, I'm gonna think out loud so I can sort out my head a bit instead of writing this in my offline "real" journal, which is sitting at home.)

I've been dreaming of a move for nearly 10 years, living in the future, having a goal and a vision. If that's gone I have to live in the present, which is not such a nice place right now. I have to find new goals and visions, and I don't know what those are.

If I don't have an option to move to Australia, my parents will have no family there. They'll retire in a few years alone. They aren't coming back here - they see no future for old folk in this land. No-one else in my family is planning to move there. We can visit, but we can't stay forever.

I won't be farming - or farming easily at least. It's very dangerous for a single white woman to farm in South Africa, or the rest of Africa for that matter. I face the possibility of being killed within months. I don't want to live in fear like my grandparents do, sleeping with a shotgun under the bed each night on their farm. I would have been safe on a farm in Australia (and as you know from yesterday's post, there's one I've been eyeing for a while). Another dream either down the tubes or dangerously hard to impliment.

My son will have to do without his grandfather as father-figure, something I was basically counting on as he hits his teen years. He's never met his bio-dad, who now apparently lives in the USA and is married. He sees his uncles very little, and we don't really have close grown-up-men friends. I'm going to have to figure out how to manage this one.

I'll have to make hard decisions about work and church. I was holding out until the visa arrived - but if it isn't coming at all I need to see if this is really where I need/want to be, or if there is another path to follow.

I need to get a life and stop waiting for things to happen. I have to find/make friends and maintain relationships, not letting them slide because "we won't be here for long". I have to come out of the hidey-hole I live in and have a social life (I last went out on my own more than a year ago, couldn't find anything I felt like doing, and ended up back home watching TV with the dogs).

I have to start planning to send my son to his grandparents for a holiday, and save to make that happen. He needs to see them and is old enough to fly solo on the direct flight to Sydney. I need to think about whether I can make the trip too, or if the cost is just too much (R13,000 for both of us for a return ticket!).

I need to take a hard look at the things I've not done - getting my home as welcoming as I'd want it, the car replaced, things started and finished that have been put on hold "just in case".

I need to investigate whether New Zealand is an option, or not. And if I'm willing to start a whole new application again from scratch or if that is going to be just not worth the effort or expense.

I need to post this and get back to what I'm paid to do here.

::update:: (a couple of hours down the line)
OK, that was a load of negatives, feel-sorry-for-myselfs etc. Now for some good points.

I won't have to find thousands of Rands to move me and my goods to a land in which I'll be a total foreigner. I won't have to start at the bottom and work my way up again, starting off life with basically nothing for the second time.

I can get my Virgin Earth Organics and Virgin Earth Home-Crafted Products labels off the ground - I can start that business I've been wanting to do part-time and perhaps even move into fulltime stuff!

I can properly plan the community service ideas I have and know I have time to get them up and running.

I can repay financial debts to my father (amazing just how much parents give us in their lifetimes!) and get myself financially organized. I can start a serious savings plan for my son's education (if he doesn't choose apprenticeships etc as training after school), and investigate the home-school option for this area - if we still need to consider it.

I can get to know my due-shortly nephew face-to-face instead of by emailed pics, and be there to support my sis-in-law through her parenting learning curve.

I can plan that annual trip to my grandparents that we'd like to do, and plan to help them out with things they need too.

I don't have to sell all the stuff I've been collecting for years to furnish our house, nor panic that I can't sell my opals to make enough cash to move. I can use them to create things of beauty instead via the local jeweller and bring them out from their safe hiding place. I can enjoy having everything we need in our little house without having to refurnish from scratch - and I can replace the broken toaster, beater, microwave, front door handle, etc....

We can travel Southern Africa and see the stuff we'd have to come back from Australia on holidays to see. We can camp out as locals and enjoy this incredible land's beauty as one of the crowd, not a tourist. We can plan that holiday at Mana Pools, or the Kruger Park, or Namaqualand, or Namibia's Skeleton Coast, or.... We can go hunt semi-precious stones and walk the underground river in Lesotho. We can explore Mozambique's coastline and islands. We can visit Botswana's wild places and finally see the Okavango delta.

There are probably a load more positives - but already I'm feeling better.

Sad

After all my efforts at proving my Afrikaans skills, the visa people have said it's not enough. They won't accept proof that I am fluent in the language, but only will accept proof that I've completed tertiary education solely in Afrikaans - which I haven't. I've provided everything I can, and it's still not enough.

I don't have the $100,000 to invest, so my application is going to be pooled.

And that seems to be the end of our hopes for a visa. There's nothing more I can do at all. R12,000 down the drain along with all our dreams of a new start and plans to support my parents in retirement.

I'm gonna close my office door now and have a good cry.

"Ogres are like Onions"

I'm peeling back the layers
Finding the real me
Tearing at the coverings
To find what few have seen

I'm covered in crisp gold-browns
A couple of layers or three
Each one less tough than the last
Closer to the real me

These layers have grown for ages
Fed by what others perceive
Gradually growing thicker
Hidden 'neath soil and old leaves

The closer I get to the center
The softer the layers grow
Sometimes my eyes get all watery
Sometimes I peel fast, sometimes slow

Right in the middle is where I am
The real, tender heart of me
I'm peeling away all those layers
I wonder what I'll see...

Jason's Colour-ology

My son Jason asked me recently, "What colour do you see when I say a number?" HUH? I'd never associated numbers and colours, but apparently he does!

Last night I called out random numbers and wrote down what colour he sees when he thinks of them. He says he doesn't see an object of that colour, but the number filled with the colour. Here were his responses:

1=black, 2=blue and white, 3=light green, 4=red, 5=yellow, 6=orange, 7=grey, 8=white, 9=purple, 10=blue, 11=orange, 12=blue with yellow spots, 13=another green, 14=brown, 15=yellowy, 16=violet, 17=very dark green, 18=white-greyish, 19=very dark purple, 20=blue.

Then it gets interesting... 21 onwards are all shades of blue, except 24 which is light brown. 30 onward is shades of green.

So of course me, the logical one, went looking for patterns. And found that the combination of 2 digits from 20 onward makes (nearly always) the colour he stated. Like 24, the only odd-one-out in the blues range is brown - which is red and light blue! Weird...

I have no idea how he got the colour/number image thing going, or what it's all about, but it's just plain fascinating!

(Yeah, you didn't need to know all this, but hey - it's my blog!)

Frustration!!!

My dream property in Northern New South Wales, Australia is still for sale, after nearly a year! It's horribly frustrating being poor and visa-less.... :)

This place is 100 acres nestled between mountains and in a valley, with river frontage and its own stream, unblemished by other people's building attempts. I SO want it, it's everything I've looked for in land I'd like to live on. And it's only AU$75,000...

But there's nothing I can do about it except dream right now. AAARRRGGHHH!

"All I want for Christmas...

... is my two front teeth!"

In his rush to get to school this morning, my son slipped and fell, breaking off two front teeth in the process. I have just spent the first hour of the day rushing from dentist to dentist in town (we don't have a regular one - no fillings for either of us or anything else) trying to get an appointment. I finally have one for later this morning. My son is at home resting, waiting for his swollen lips to diminish and the scrapes on his hands to close up, and will probably not be back at school today.

What drama for first thing in the morning!!!

update::
Dentist's visit went well and the child now has a few new teeth! This would be the morning when he didn't have time to brush before rushing off to school...the only morning he'd need to see the dentist!!! :) He is suffering from numb-gum syndrome, but should be fine.

The Limitations of Technology

Blogger's spellcheck does not recognize the word "blog"! It would rather I used bloc, bloch, blows, bloke, blocs, block, bolos, bloc's, blouse or blocky than blog. You'd think Blogger would know better.... :)

Ah, technology. Always good for a laugh when it's good for nothing else.

Our Easter Shrine

This is our Easter Shrine, created during our God-time on Sabbaths and over Easter by my son and I. It's not the best of pictures, but some of the elements we included are:
* Wooden cross with barbed-wire crown of thorns
* Silver wire tree on which we hung an "empty tomb" piece of wood, nails, thorns, crossbeam of cross, silver renewal leaf, crystal teardrops and red drops of blood
* Wire whip
* Stone and candle
* Old burned music - beauty from ashes - and hand-drawn pictures of things that remind us of Easter and Jesus' sacrifice.

Our next project? Well, we're trying to figure out how to depict Ascension and Pentecost without burning the house down! :)

Nummy Fudge

I recently re-discovered a simple childhood treat and wrangled the recipe out of my mom. For your eating pleasure, here it is:

Nummy Fudge

1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup molasses or treacle
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/2 tsp vanilla essence
1 cup dry powdered milk (dairy or soy)

Combine first 4 ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Add powdered milk slowly and stir to mix in. If the mixture is too stiff, knead by hand, adding only enough powdered milk for a firm but not dry consistency.

Flatten the mixture into a 200x300mm pan. Smooth the surface. Cut into 2.5cm squares.
OR
Roll into bite-size (small bite, not big bite) balls and place on a tray.

Refrigerate. Try not to eat too much at one sitting.

Weekend Thoughts 2: Being Church Locally

One of the joys of the weekend, and especially the Sabbath Rest hours, is the option of an afternoon nap. This is especially delicious if it's wintery weather, as it was this past Sabbath.

I just had to take advantage of it, but once lying snuggled under the covers, my mind would not disengage. Instead of a 3-hour sleep, I had a 3-hour conversation with my brain!

It all started with thoughts of community, especially the local squatter-camp community down the road (actually there are 3 or more of them down the road!). I've blogged before on thoughts of an action group across denominational & community lines who every week would go out and clean up a part of our environment. Well, thoughts of doing a bit more have been growing too... All along the lines of a community garden for the squatter camps.

Cleaning up no longer seems enough. Sure, it's nice to have a clean, litter-free place to live, but that will not help solve the many problems associated with living there. Unemployment, poverty, shortages of good nutritious foods, hopelessness... It's all right there, all a potential "missionary" could wish for! :)

With my love of growing things organically and my desire to help teach others, developing a community garden seems a really good idea. Then I got thinking on other options - container planting for individual homes, roof-fed rain-barrels and a simple watering system that will feed rainwater to gardens underground without the government water system getting involved. Using the junk we pick up to create so many different things - like twist-braided plastic bag strips for plant supports, organic waste for composting, waste paper in plant beds... Teaching sustainable building skills to help replace the fire-hazard corrugated zinc sheeting patchworked together into houses (without having to rely on the 10-year old unfulfilled goverment housing promises). Using building rubble and throw-outs from demolished or renovated buildings for all sorts of stuff. Discovering the talents and passions of the unemployed and helping develop those into supportable careers (art, crafting, creating, singing, cooking, whatever passions there may be in the local community). Offering the unemployed the option of maintaining the community garden and greening the entire area. Negotiations with the college where I work for short entrepreneurship courses at minimal cost to help start small businesses (they might be able to see it as THEIR Christian community service!). Ideas for sponsorship, donations and the necessary resources to get things moving and keep the momentum. Thoughts on who would get involved and why.

The ideas kept coming and coming - and I got absolutely nothing of the planned afternoon nap.

What I did get though was inspiration to be, to become, to do, to make, to grow and to put faith into action - practically. A possible future to fill the blank spots leaving organized religion may leave, and a way to connect with my community as never before. I can't do it alone, but there are others I want to speak to who will get involved.

I tend to dream big, to see the end and then have to back-space to the beginning. My task this week is to find a starting point, make enquiries, create contacts and take it from there, without jumping the gun.

Weekend Thoughts 1: Stay/Go Issues

So I went to the Worship Committee meeting (pushing against an overwhelming urge to make up excuses - ie lie - and bunk), and stuck around for an appropriate amount of time, drawing the line after an hour and a half of going in circles.

I didn't say much, for fear of saying the wrong thing. When asked to take on more responsibility, I did note that I "may not be here much longer", but all assumed I meant Australia and not Chickening Out and Leaving The Church. I didn't have the courage to correct them. Not yet.

I sat and listened to my inner voice a lot of the time, and it grated against issues like spending thousands on a new sound system, lighting controls for the new spotlights, a new amp for the monitors etc. When I know that the amount they've budgeted for these is more than double their annual contribution to either the homeless school they started or the squatter-camp church plant whose pastor struggles so desperately to make ends meet. I clenched my teeth and said nothing. Perhaps I was wrong to do so.

I'm still torn between staying and going. I could stay until the visa application receives a reply, hang around doing my duty and putting on my weekly Christian face, hiding what's burning within - and perhaps I may find feeling and passion in worship again, perhaps not. Or I could give a month's notice - the duty roster for next month is already published and it would create problems trying to change it now. I should probably sit down with the worship leader and tell him what's going on, together with my friend Cathy who has been such a strong support and influence in my life.

I asked God to speak through others to me, to help me decide. And on my wanderings through the shopping mall, perhaps He did. I ran into an older worship team member, a woman of God who deeply cares for me. She'd missed me lately at church. I told her only that worship duty was just that these days - duty. And she replied that if this was true, it would be good to rather leave. Perhaps the answer was God's word I'd prayed for. I'd like to have spent more time talking to her, bouncing my views off her understanding mind.

And yet still my decision wavers - if I leave, then what?

One of my Sabbath readings almost answered this. Leaving may not have a set destination, but may instead lead to a time of emptiness, a time of waiting, a time of learning and "detoxing" from ingrained ways/thoughts. Scary as that emptiness is. It may lead to a hard growth time in which God shows me what He truly wants from me, to live out and strengthen my faith in ways I cannot now see. Ways that may or may not involve "church" as commonly defined.

It may lead to better spiritual growth for my little 2-person family too, as we focus not on a weekly event, but on what we can daily do to grow closer to God. Our own family celebrations, events, being church practically. Not attending a weekly event will force me to become more involved in the "us" of being God-followers.

I am still in prayer over this. I'm constantly asking guidance so that I know I'm doing the right thing. I need to know that it is where God wants me and that it's not just MY will to get out.

Stay tuned!

Children of .... India?

Been wondering lately - what if God had chosen another nation as His Children, instead of Israel? What would our Christian belief system look like if He had chosen the Egyptians, or the Chinese, or the Indians, or Native Americans, or one of the African nations? What would His Word look like? What major changes to our beliefs as Christians would there be if it were all rooted in a different culture, other than the Jewish nation?

One can only imagine!

Crash Bang Bark

We had the most incredible thunderstorm last night. I was outside watching the lightning hit the sea in the distance and hearing approaching thunder, when there was a "sizzle,crackle,pop" and a huge bolt hit pretty close by, just across the field behind the house! After that it was light and sound all over the place for half an hour or more. We unplugged all the important stuff and went outside to watch the action.

The dogs - poor beasts - are not used to such an onslaught, and spent the entire time barking at whatever was flashing or thundering. Wonder what they'd do if they actually CAUGHT one! :)

I don't think we've had a storm like that in the last 20 years that I've been living here. Quite a few strikes on the mountain, whose slopes we occupy. Wonderful downpour rain.

Before the storm arrived I had planned to sit outside on my porch and do some prayer - but it's a bit hard to concentrate when you get flashes of daylight every few seconds and can feel the rumblings in your bones!

It was a really good storm though - the kind I love to watch, better than TV anyday. And today the rain is pouring down. Winter is here.

What the...?



When I opened up my blog this morning, this image was on the live webcam... Is Cape Town about to be hit by a giant snowball, I wonder????

Traffic-light Spam

Whenever us Country Cousins make our way into the Big City (Cape Town, half an hour's drive from here and another world!), we're always amused at the traffic-light occupants - those folk handing things out, selling things or begging at each stop-light.

Cape Town has a large population of street-kids. They can be seen sniffing glue during green lights, then rush up to you when the lights turn, begging for a few cents.

There are guys selling newspapers, black garbage bags, hand-made goodies, boxes of grapes or peaches, bunches of roses - you name it.

But you get the funny folk too - like the "Rent a Nerd" guys we found in Cape Town recently. They were dressed up like your proverbial nerd, with thick black-rim glasses, comb in the sock, pens in the pocket. Their company hires out computer experts to help with your little emergencies. Brilliant!

Our last trip to Cape Town yielded our first Passion Spam though! We were handed a nice little brochure on the why's and wherefore's of The Movie, along with handy addresses of local churches and the Sinner's Prayer - all of which you could get through before the light changed.

Fast-food religion at its best!

Almost an April Fool?

The SABC (South African Broadcasting Corporation) spent the week prior to 1 April advertising a TV documentary called "The Dark Side of the Moon" - proof that the USA government had faked the pictures taken of the first moon walk. I just caught the last half of it, having been otherwise occupied. They had various experts comment on the background story - ex-security chiefs, the KGB, you name it. Very convincing stuff!

Until the credits rolled and a little bar scrolled across the screen "we trust that you have enjoyed this documentary on 1 April". And during the credits they had the "experts" going over their scripts, fumbling their words - yes, it was a gigantic April Fools hoax.

But just the kind of thing to get your conspiracy theory radar going! :)

A women's site had this report:

Clean up your PC!

Working in the world of the Internet as we do, we often get to hear about happenings in the cyber world way before it actually gets to the public. Luckily we can share the latest 'horror story' with you before it hits the street, so you can be well prepared.

The Scorpions elite crime-fighting unit has just released a statement to the press wherein they outline a brand new unit called the e-Scorpions - formed with the know-how and funds of Mr Microsoft himself, Bill Gates.

Says e-Scorpions spokesperson, Silima Sibhanxa, "Due to the increased need to protect women and children from crime, including Cyber Crime, we have spent the last six months in negotiations with Microsoft to form the e-Scorpions unit which is tasked with removing the mountains of illegal and immoral material South Africans are storing on their home computers, laptops, and even office PCs".

How are they going to do that, you may ask? Sibhanxa says they (Microsoft SA in conjunction with the Unit) have developed powerful search robots that enter users' personal computers (only Microsoft Windows 97 and higher) via selected high-traffic websites, and then start cleaning out images, stories and communication messages of an immoral or salacious nature, as well as copies of unlicenced software. Anything vaguely resembling pornography, (even pics of yourself posing in your undies at your kitchen tea) will be stripped, as will messages containing swear words or sexually suggestive words.

The robot then sets up a log report based on the computer owners' details - which is also harvested off the harddrive (invoices and formal letters, eg, are 'read' for this) as well as email accounts. The info is stored in huge databases at the HQ, and eventually matched to your ID. If there is any material the robots themselves can't remove, the PC owner's details are e-mailed to e-Scorpions staff, who then contact the person and arrange a time to come to your home to manually clean up your PC.

You'll agree this is a shocking invasion of privacy. While we're busy drawing up a petition to stop this madness, we have, being Internet rats and all, found a way for you to put a block on your harddrive to prevent the e-Scorpions robots from entering your PC and filtering through your private stuff. Click to read How to put a e-Scorpion robot block on your PC by our prolific writer, Annel Lategan. And remember to forward this newsletter to your dearest friends (not those you don't like any more) so they can do the same.


Did you get caught by any good ones???

Worship - reprise

If you've hung around this blog in the past month or so, you'll know my struggle over being a part of the worship team - the stay/go issue.

It's back.

I'm only on duty twice this month, but it's duty and nothing more. I don't really want to be there. Nor do I want to attend the worship committee tomorrow, which I admit I'm probably privileged to be part of, seeing as how I'm not an official member of the church or anything - one of those dangerous "Ranger" types, you know... :)

I once tried to run the idea of leaving past a good friend there - but she has no clue where I'm at or what I'm feeling. She can't relate to what I have to say. She says "of COURSE you can't leave! Why would you want to" or something like that.

I've tried to pray about this, but I've never been too good at hearing God's voice anyway, and there's been the usual silence. However my gut is telling me to get out.

I can already feel the comments about "she only comes to church when she's on duty" that I've heard about others as the more committed members of the worship team discuss my absence. They don't know the half of it. They don't know that I have lost the enthusiasm to turn up. That I've forgotten how to worship like they do and the Who of worship is hidden from my sight. They don't know my heretical thoughts as I see money thrown around on new banners and coloured spotlights for the church, instead of meeting community needs nearby, or even needs in the church they helped build in a very poor area. They have no idea just how bad it is.

And yet I don't feel like I owe them too much of an explanation - I just feel that my season of growth and learning in that particular place is over, and that it's time to move on. Although to what, I'm not sure.

I'm becoming the unchurched! Oh boy... :) Can I afford to do this spiritually - am I strong enough to step back and still do OK? I'm not sure. Perhaps I still need a bit of spoon-feeding at a local congregation, or perhaps I don't.

Can I ask you to remember me in prayer (perhaps yours are at least making it through the ceiling) while I consider my next shaky steps?

Soul-Searching

While on holiday I had a little time for sitting and pondering (though not nearly enough - these days I crave Sanctuary and Silence). I've been doing some pretty deep thinking.

There's something Really Wrong in my life, and it's time to sort it out. I've been running around, chasing after ideas and dreams and "that looks good"s for such a long time, without ever really being filled up, satisfied. I try this, I dream that, I plan the other, and in the end it's tossed out like so many potato peelings, leaving the same blank and empty space. I've been mulling over this, trying to find that quick-fix solution, attempting to pinpoint the actual problem so I can sort it out. And I've come to the conclusion that there are two very big things missing in my life.

Passion (no, not that passion) and the Holy Spirit.

I'm living in apathy. Nothing moves me. Not even the most important Christian holiday, recently celebrated. I didn't do a single thing for Easter - didn't see the inside of a church, didn't spend extra time in contemplation or rejoicing. Gave it the occasional passing thought, but that was it. Thoughts, ideas, they're all "so what". I haven't had a deep feeling of anything for ages. That's the passion missing.

And the Holy Spirit - I don't think I've gotten hold of that one either. The words of my mouth and the feelings of my heart don't often line up. I say I love God, I say I'm saved - but I don't feel it. Reading 1 Corinthians last night hammered home that there was something Big missing - and it's the Holy Spirit.

So what to do? How do I find and gain these two elusive biggies, these potential life-savers/changers?

The Holy Spirit - that can only come as a gift from God, and I'll be praying to understand and receive this Presence in my life. Not the "thank you for a nice day and give me a good night's sleep" type of prayer, but a conciously-sought-out time with God, a complete focus on Him - and a re-learning of the how-to's of prayer.

And Passion - well, I'm working on that too. I may post more on that sometime, but it's starting with a inner life spring-clean - a re-ordering of my priorities, rediscovering the Real Me under years of layers of acquired crud, finding what inspires me... and it may lead to a major change in career pretty soon. If nothing else it's going to involve a rethink of where I'm going and why, and what I want for my family. And action, lots of action.

Hard, heavy stuff to think about - my mind shies away from going so deep. It wants to dabble its toes in the surface, but for my life's sake I have to plunge.

Back to the Grindstone

Oh it's awfully nice in the nut-house
All alone in me little padded cell
Yes, it's awfully nice in the nut-house
Cos the doctors and the nurses treat me swell....


Yup, I'm back at work, and it's started with a rush. Funny thing though - after 2 weeks away I don't have much to blog about! :) Oh well, I'm sure I will later today.

Holiday update

Just popped in to water the chili plants at the office, and thought I'd do a quick post on what we've been up to.

Still having an absolute blast on holiday and just under a week to go (back officially on the 15th). Thus far we have enjoyed (in chronological order):

1. April Fools Day - self-explanatory, blogged on previously
2. April FALL's Day - kid fell off his bike for the first time since learning to ride.
3. Mesemb Day - my aunt is a botanist and heads up the National Mesemb collection at the National Botanical Institute (succulent-type plants). She was in the area and has hired us to collect specimens for her. She supplied the press, equipment and a signed book she co-authored, so we know what we're looking for.
4. Digital Camera day - yes, we got one! Mini camera, not the best quality, but have had great fun snapping pics of all sorts of stuff. Expect to see loads of irrelevant stuff here shortly...
5. Nothing day - stayed home while it rained outside and literally did nothing.
6. Macassar Beach day - went mesemb-hunting at a local beach and found all sorts of other interesting things, like a good-sized sand-shark trapped in a tidal pool, waiting for the waves to carry him back out to freedom. Kid wouldn't touch him for love or money! :) This was also TaeBo day - I tried the 8-minute workout and am still feeling the effects!!!
7. Rooi-Els / Betty's Bay day - we spent the entire day moseying around the coast, relaxed on a beach, had lunch in the nearby town and examined from close quarters a gigantic sand-dune we aim to spend the day at soon. Over 100km travelled.
8. Get Ready for Easter Day - that's today. Did a quick shop first thing in the morning to avoid the later-in-the-day crowds, stocking up on Easter Eggs to make into Hot Chocolate (recipe courtesy Jon's blog) and various other goodies. Also ingredients for home-made hot cross buns - deeevine! Want some? :) My brother and sis-in-law will be coming by, so we're getting ready to have them - lawn mowed, bathroom painting finished, menu planned etc.

It feels like I've been on holiday for a month already, we've crammed all sorts of interesting stuff into the time. The car could do with a service so we don't have to have a serious prayer meeting before undertaking any trips - but my mechanic unexpectedly moved, so I'm between mechanics and not yet savvy enough to do it myself.

Anyway, gotta run.

A blessed Easter to all who stop by! May it bring many unexpected blessings and a good dose of hollow choc eggs... :)

AWEsome!

My first day of holiday was completely amazing, start to finish.

We were woken up by thunder and lightening at 6 in the morning, very unusual for this area. Of course we got up to see it and found that it was happening right in the middle of the most incredible crimson sunrise! There was light and action all over, a rainbow hanging over the sea as the sun came through, sudden hard downpours, rolling thunder - incredible!

Well, we could hardly go back to bed after that, so had a leisurely breakfast and headed out for the day after feeding the 11 birds, 5 dogs and a fish. We got to watch Brother Bear at the movies, picked up a few great books on sale, had drinks and lunch at 2 different places, then found one of my all-time fave movies really cheap - "Twister" (don't laugh... I would love to chase tornado's for a living! :) ). Quite appropriate to the day, which was still going crazy weather-wise. Also picked up "A Perfect Storm" dirt-cheap, and we watched both of them as the storm outside waned and waxed.

By the time evening came there were still bolts of lighting over the sea as the sun set in brilliant golds against bubbly clouds, and we went to bed with a red moon and orange glow on the clouds from a nearby lightening-initiated fire on the mountains.

What a way to start our holiday! It was incredible stuff and my son and I loved it.

Today has been less incredible, but good to be on holiday nevertheless. I have just posted off the final documents to the visa folk, and now it's in God's hands.... If they don't accept what's in the envelope, it's tickets for the visa.

Shabbat Shalom to all!