While I was off enjoying a weekend, it seems many Christian bloggers got into heated discussions over Christian blog aggregators and their problems/implications/limitations etc. Because I'm late to the party, I haven't bothered leaving a comment on the blogs that got "conversational", but I do have something to say on this - and where better to say it than my own blog! :)
Doing a quick blog-browse through my regular stops, I ran across mention of the Women4God aggregator, and nearly-nearly went to join up. I've almost done the same thing on the GodBlogs one, or any of the others that many seem to join up with. It's a way to get noticed, I guess, and throw your lot in with a bunch of like-minded people.
Only I haven't. I'm afraid to. I don't think I belong there.
Having grown up in one denomination, never even visiting another church until a few years ago, I sometimes felt like I didn't fit in when I got "out there" among people who believed differently. Yet I always had a denominational home to come back to. But now I find myself thinking differently from the home folk too, and not fitting in anywhere!
I suspect I'll face something similar if I join up with a group that says "here's who we are and what we believe", that I won't fit in there either and that it will only lead to heartsore for me as I'm judged or talked at or whatever. May not be the case, but could well happen.
I've been feeling very "out" over the past year, like I don't really belong anywhere. It's not just my beliefs, but also my lifestyle, or my choices, or the way I see things in general. It's hard to find people who understand where I'm coming from (my thought-history), but also can relate to where I am now and where I'm headed. I guess I feel like I'm a "party of one" in many aspects. It's made me keep to myself a lot, not say much when in the company of a same-sort group where I don't quite belong. I've seen the looks, I've heard the comments that I'm different. Heck, there's a lot I don't write about here, simply because I'm not sure people would "get" me.
And it's hard sometimes, you know? Sometimes you'd like a place where you belong completely, where you don't fear to open your mouth or do certain things, where you can feel comfortable enough to truly be you. Many people find this in a church - but I haven't. Others find it in a community - but I haven't. Still others find it in a hobby or a club or a lifestyle - again, I haven't.
I feel it when I read other's experiences in fitting in - whether in a church, or some other group. It makes me feel just that more isolated.
I don't know how to "cure" the misfit syndrome. Conform, grit your teeth and bear it? Speak out and be shunted even further off the mid-line? Or just accept that one will never really belong anywhere?
Abduction Alert!
We were just hanging around the house on Friday night, when I happened to glance out the window - only to spot a line of 5 equally spaced greenish-white lights moving slowly in the distance!
Apparently I wasn't the only one to see them. Pretty soon at least 4 neighbours were outside, watching and wondering. The lights moved across the bay, then got disorganized, turned around, and headed back again. In the meantime we were joking about our New Year's wish to spot a UFO (part of a conversation to help keep us awake while we waited for midnight), and the fact that we watch way too much sci-fi...
This morning, the online news had a story about similar sightings in Durban, and frantic switchboad-jamming calls from the general populace about UFOs.
Well, we finally found our binoculars, and managed to make out that what we saw was a group of 5 helicopters. I wonder if they were pulling a similar stunt to the publicity one in the news story....
Anyway, it made for a little mild excitement on a Friday night, something to talk about with the neighbours. Such are the lives of those who don't go out much! :)
Apparently I wasn't the only one to see them. Pretty soon at least 4 neighbours were outside, watching and wondering. The lights moved across the bay, then got disorganized, turned around, and headed back again. In the meantime we were joking about our New Year's wish to spot a UFO (part of a conversation to help keep us awake while we waited for midnight), and the fact that we watch way too much sci-fi...
This morning, the online news had a story about similar sightings in Durban, and frantic switchboad-jamming calls from the general populace about UFOs.
Well, we finally found our binoculars, and managed to make out that what we saw was a group of 5 helicopters. I wonder if they were pulling a similar stunt to the publicity one in the news story....
Anyway, it made for a little mild excitement on a Friday night, something to talk about with the neighbours. Such are the lives of those who don't go out much! :)
Landed running!
The rush has started - my new students turn up today for their orientation, I was at work a whole lot earlier than usual, and there are quite a few of "my babies" running around here already! (Amd if you didn't notice, I blogged yesterday - yup, here at work for an hour to check on things)
We're praying (as a college in general) that enough of them turn up to keep us from going under financially.... yes, it's kinda that serious.
But for now, I'm off to go orient them and register them, and make sure their first impression of this place is a reasonably-good one.
Back later!!!
We're praying (as a college in general) that enough of them turn up to keep us from going under financially.... yes, it's kinda that serious.
But for now, I'm off to go orient them and register them, and make sure their first impression of this place is a reasonably-good one.
Back later!!!
Oh for a decent camera!
My son and I took a road trip on impulse yesterday. 6 1/4 hours and 260km later we were back home, having seen and photographed some incredible things! Thankfully the occasionally-dodgy car performed like a dream - it was made for the long road and if I keep it at a constant 110km/hr I can get up to 750km out of a tank! It even did really well up some steep mountains.
For those that know the Cape, we travelled from our home in Somerset West, up and over Du Toit's Kloof Pass (820m at the top), down again toward Worcester, then took an impulsive turn toward Rawsonville. Through that one-horse town, another impulsive turn took us to the shores of an unknown dam, near Brandberg prison, where we wandered and picked up quartz crystals and ate lunch. Back to the main road we turned toward Villiersdorp, then took the road past Theewaterskloof Dam, over the Franschoek pass (stopping at a mountain stream for water and a rest) and back via Hell's Hoogte through Stellenbosch and home. All in all, we did 2 mountain passes, a good few different main routes, had oppressive heat on one side of the mountains and a bit of misty rain on the other, and took a whole lot of pictures.
For those that don't know the Cape, here's the route we took:
Some of the amazing things we saw were huge, towering cliffs on the mountain passes, incredible waterfalls, a single bright-rainbow cloud in the middle of nowhere, the deserted dam with mountains looming far away, and a secret stream. Back home, we uploaded our photos, only to find our camera is seriously on the blink - every single photo has digital lines of junk across it!
Maybe it's one of Murphy's lesser known laws of camera co-operation - the last roadtrip we took, the film in my camera didn't wind on properly and after happily snapping away all day, we discovered we had nothing.
I was really hoping to email the rainbow cloud pics to our local weather service for their interest, or a please-explain, but all we have is this:
It's time we got us a new camera!!!
For those that know the Cape, we travelled from our home in Somerset West, up and over Du Toit's Kloof Pass (820m at the top), down again toward Worcester, then took an impulsive turn toward Rawsonville. Through that one-horse town, another impulsive turn took us to the shores of an unknown dam, near Brandberg prison, where we wandered and picked up quartz crystals and ate lunch. Back to the main road we turned toward Villiersdorp, then took the road past Theewaterskloof Dam, over the Franschoek pass (stopping at a mountain stream for water and a rest) and back via Hell's Hoogte through Stellenbosch and home. All in all, we did 2 mountain passes, a good few different main routes, had oppressive heat on one side of the mountains and a bit of misty rain on the other, and took a whole lot of pictures.
For those that don't know the Cape, here's the route we took:
Some of the amazing things we saw were huge, towering cliffs on the mountain passes, incredible waterfalls, a single bright-rainbow cloud in the middle of nowhere, the deserted dam with mountains looming far away, and a secret stream. Back home, we uploaded our photos, only to find our camera is seriously on the blink - every single photo has digital lines of junk across it!
Maybe it's one of Murphy's lesser known laws of camera co-operation - the last roadtrip we took, the film in my camera didn't wind on properly and after happily snapping away all day, we discovered we had nothing.
I was really hoping to email the rainbow cloud pics to our local weather service for their interest, or a please-explain, but all we have is this:
It's time we got us a new camera!!!
Shabbat Shalom
After a dry and dusty few months, the rain has come. We're in for a few days of cool and wet, and the thirsty ground is eagerly soaking it up. Many, many people have been praying for rain and the gentle answer to their prayers falls now.
After a single day of light showers, the grass was tinged with green. The birds are wet, but happy. Even Mr Rat (our local fern-dweller) appears straggly-grey, yet unworried by the extra water pouring into his world.
I love days like this - refreshing after heat, filled with the sound of rain dripping off walls, windows and roofs, running in zig-zags down the fence.
It's going to be a perfect weekend for enjoying the shalom of Shabbat.
Random Mini-Thoughts
* Life is all about keeping and letting go, opening the hands and closing them, choosing one path or another, letting some things slide while you focus on others. Either get used to it and go with the flow, or prepare to go insane.
* There's more to a lawn than meets the eye. Just ask the huge flock of starlings gathered there this morning, intently picking between the blades for something I was not aware lived there.
* A lack of silence can wear one down little by little, like water dripping onto stone. And yet silence is very hard to come by. Have you ever noticed the "background" sounds that surround you every second of the day - like the hum of the computer, or someone's aircon, or the sound of constant traffic, or distant conversation? Even the silence of night can be deafening when you take notice of the noises your ears generally choose to ignore.
* Money is really just numbers. Nothing more.
* This amused my son, gleaned from the internet or somewhere: "Many years ago, people thought the moon was made of cheese. Then they landed there and found it was just rock and dust. That's what happens when you leave cheese out too long."
* It's amazing how the body remembers. The sound of low-flying jets and distant sirens still give my heart a stab of fear after growing up in the war years in Zimbabwe, even though I was never really traumatized by the experience. For us it was just the way things were - not like others who were older and lived through the same time, who still suffer greatly. This morning a psychologist friend popped in and was amazed to hear my reaction as a plane passed overhead - and says that it's our body's way of protecting ourselves, even when our brains say our fear is illogical. It's not easy to get rid of.
* Chocolate. I definitely need chocolate. And yet, I'm losing weight slowly but surely (have cut out suppers completely and just have a warm milk drink in the evenings), so I'm not sure I dare...
* Things that make me sad: child solders, elderly and forgotten, polluted rivers, being too busy to live.
* It's a miracle how a tiny cell can grow into such a huge creature as my son has become! Did I really give birth to a kid that can grow to that size? Amazing!
* Follow your passion now, no matter how many "but"s you can find, or regret it forever.
* Ever people-watched and noticed how many forms humans come in? Ever stopped random strangers to ask their thoughts? (thanks to saint for the link!)
* I'm mid-morning hungry. But I don't think I could ever imagine the type of hunger that makes your belly swell, or just plain not having food to eat for weeks. I don't ever want to have to.
* Did you know that you can cure a headache by pinching hard on that web of skin & muscle between your thumb and index finger? Where it hurts to pinch is where you need to - and voila! the headache will disappear. (Note to self: investigate other pressure points when time allows. You KNOW all that natural healing stuff has always interested you.)
Regular blogging will resume once the rush at work is over.
* There's more to a lawn than meets the eye. Just ask the huge flock of starlings gathered there this morning, intently picking between the blades for something I was not aware lived there.
* A lack of silence can wear one down little by little, like water dripping onto stone. And yet silence is very hard to come by. Have you ever noticed the "background" sounds that surround you every second of the day - like the hum of the computer, or someone's aircon, or the sound of constant traffic, or distant conversation? Even the silence of night can be deafening when you take notice of the noises your ears generally choose to ignore.
* Money is really just numbers. Nothing more.
* This amused my son, gleaned from the internet or somewhere: "Many years ago, people thought the moon was made of cheese. Then they landed there and found it was just rock and dust. That's what happens when you leave cheese out too long."
* It's amazing how the body remembers. The sound of low-flying jets and distant sirens still give my heart a stab of fear after growing up in the war years in Zimbabwe, even though I was never really traumatized by the experience. For us it was just the way things were - not like others who were older and lived through the same time, who still suffer greatly. This morning a psychologist friend popped in and was amazed to hear my reaction as a plane passed overhead - and says that it's our body's way of protecting ourselves, even when our brains say our fear is illogical. It's not easy to get rid of.
* Chocolate. I definitely need chocolate. And yet, I'm losing weight slowly but surely (have cut out suppers completely and just have a warm milk drink in the evenings), so I'm not sure I dare...
* Things that make me sad: child solders, elderly and forgotten, polluted rivers, being too busy to live.
* It's a miracle how a tiny cell can grow into such a huge creature as my son has become! Did I really give birth to a kid that can grow to that size? Amazing!
* Follow your passion now, no matter how many "but"s you can find, or regret it forever.
* Ever people-watched and noticed how many forms humans come in? Ever stopped random strangers to ask their thoughts? (thanks to saint for the link!)
* I'm mid-morning hungry. But I don't think I could ever imagine the type of hunger that makes your belly swell, or just plain not having food to eat for weeks. I don't ever want to have to.
* Did you know that you can cure a headache by pinching hard on that web of skin & muscle between your thumb and index finger? Where it hurts to pinch is where you need to - and voila! the headache will disappear. (Note to self: investigate other pressure points when time allows. You KNOW all that natural healing stuff has always interested you.)
Regular blogging will resume once the rush at work is over.
Lunar
Warm horizon glow
My mountain cut-out black against star-pricked sky
Wispy clouds
Moon-rainbow
Deafening silence of dark
Cricket screams
Owl calls
Nightjar whispers in wooded night
Namaste
There's light in you
Light in me
A glimpse through trees
Flooding light
Sparkle on dew
Silver-quick
Namaste
The same One who formed
Your dusty plains
Formed me
Crescendo of light
You're full and round
Hovering over a bedtime land
Sandman sprinkling glittering moondust
Namaste
The light in me
Greets the light in you
My mountain cut-out black against star-pricked sky
Wispy clouds
Moon-rainbow
Deafening silence of dark
Cricket screams
Owl calls
Nightjar whispers in wooded night
Namaste
There's light in you
Light in me
A glimpse through trees
Flooding light
Sparkle on dew
Silver-quick
Namaste
The same One who formed
Your dusty plains
Formed me
Crescendo of light
You're full and round
Hovering over a bedtime land
Sandman sprinkling glittering moondust
Namaste
The light in me
Greets the light in you
"Music was my first love"
A line or two from one of my enduring favourites (actually, it's basically the only words in the entire song) says, "Music was my first love, and it will be my last - music of the future and music of the past. To live without my music would be impossible to do, for in this world of trouble my music pulls me through."
On my quest to download a couple of free songs and burn some cool CDs, I've been wondering what it is that makes some songs last for years, and others fizzle out very quickly. Songs like Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" go on in popularity for years, while "Everybody Walk the Dinosaur" died a rather quick death! :) There are a couple of golden oldies, like "What a Wonderful World" that everyone knows and almost everyone loves. Then there are other songs that are popular and lasting only for a certain taste or style.
As a musician myself, I know that certain tunes, certain combinations of those few notes we possess (like the alphabet, with different combinations the possibilities are endless) seem to move my soul, or create "happy vibes". Others grate on me and I quickly lose interest. It works like that in church music too - think of a couple of hymns that still go on hundreds of years later, and a few popluar worship songs that die after a single try.
I wonder if the ongoing popularity of some tune gems has something to do with how our brains work, the frequencies that soothe or stimulate our cells. If there are certain songs or musical combinations that resonate well with our human form, and others that jar or cause discord. And if that's the reason why the general populations loves some music and just plain hates others.
I know that songs can create certain feelings in me - like Sting's "Desert Rose", which seems to be a hot, dry, summer song, perfect for driving in a car without aircon through a dry and dusty plain with the windows down and heat in your throat. But that may have something to do with the associated music video! :) Many songs bring back memories - good or bad - and I like or hate them as a result. For years I couldn't listen to the heartbreak type love song - I'd end up in tears because I was lonely/hurt/unloved. Now, no problem. I actually like some of them.
I'm big on a huge variety of music - everything from some heavy metal to extremely classical stuff. But not all of it within the genre. There's again some I love, some I can't stand. Must be those cellular vibration things again.
Anyway, this was just something I was wondering this weekend. And it's way too heavy to ponder on a Monday morning when you've landed running! Let me rather go download a few more favourites.
On my quest to download a couple of free songs and burn some cool CDs, I've been wondering what it is that makes some songs last for years, and others fizzle out very quickly. Songs like Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" go on in popularity for years, while "Everybody Walk the Dinosaur" died a rather quick death! :) There are a couple of golden oldies, like "What a Wonderful World" that everyone knows and almost everyone loves. Then there are other songs that are popular and lasting only for a certain taste or style.
As a musician myself, I know that certain tunes, certain combinations of those few notes we possess (like the alphabet, with different combinations the possibilities are endless) seem to move my soul, or create "happy vibes". Others grate on me and I quickly lose interest. It works like that in church music too - think of a couple of hymns that still go on hundreds of years later, and a few popluar worship songs that die after a single try.
I wonder if the ongoing popularity of some tune gems has something to do with how our brains work, the frequencies that soothe or stimulate our cells. If there are certain songs or musical combinations that resonate well with our human form, and others that jar or cause discord. And if that's the reason why the general populations loves some music and just plain hates others.
I know that songs can create certain feelings in me - like Sting's "Desert Rose", which seems to be a hot, dry, summer song, perfect for driving in a car without aircon through a dry and dusty plain with the windows down and heat in your throat. But that may have something to do with the associated music video! :) Many songs bring back memories - good or bad - and I like or hate them as a result. For years I couldn't listen to the heartbreak type love song - I'd end up in tears because I was lonely/hurt/unloved. Now, no problem. I actually like some of them.
I'm big on a huge variety of music - everything from some heavy metal to extremely classical stuff. But not all of it within the genre. There's again some I love, some I can't stand. Must be those cellular vibration things again.
Anyway, this was just something I was wondering this weekend. And it's way too heavy to ponder on a Monday morning when you've landed running! Let me rather go download a few more favourites.
No pressure, but....
Had a call from my dad this weekend, and in the course of the conversation he brought up the need for my son and I to get us to a church group a.s.a.p. You know that old saying, "a coal taken from the fire soon grows cold" etc. Well, it was hauled out again and quoted. Not in a bad way, but in a "we're concerned for you" way.
I can't seem to explain sufficiently that I'm not in a place right now where I can get me to a cellgroup, especially the ones he was mentioning. I understand his view that we can't find a perfect fit, and those little tensions within a group are part of our growth experience. I've heard all the angles on that, but I simply can't do it right now.
And yet I don't know how to explain why I can't. I can't seem to put into words that I can't stomach people in a Bible-study ring at the moment. Or that I really just need time out for a while, without being bothered to get back into the group.
My youngest brother has not been to church or involved in anything like that for many years now. It's only recently they've considered finding a church group to attend regularly. Yet I don't recall him being under pressure to get involved. It might be because there isn't a kid in the picture (and I have one), or because he was never hugely into church (while I was deep into the leadership and involvement thing). The contrast between me being in and out of church is greater than it would be for him. People notice when I'm not doing church, simply because I was so into it in the past. It doesn't help that I can still come up with creative worship ideas at the drop of a hat - even though I wouldn't do them myself, because I simply can't right now.
I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to hurt my parents by the things I COULD say against my current church attendance, denominational involvement and other churchy bits. They are, after all, a pastoral couple, and loyal to the church they serve and live within, the one I was raised in. I'm not sure they can relate to this need I have to completely step back and be alone for a while. I tried to explain it yesterday, but it didn't work. Perhaps if they read my blog regularly they'd get it - but they don't, and in some ways that's a good thing. (I wonder if they'll get this sudden urge to check in and find this though!).
Most folk have left me alone to go my way on my own journey, but it's hard for parents to do, especially when they're on the other end of the planet and don't know what's happening day-to-day. I don't think they have a point of reference for someone who needs to fling themselves far out into space on an eliptical orbit around the church for a while. Sure, I can understand they're worried about my son's spirituality - I have been to. But heading back to church in any form (Church church or Cell Group church) is something I simply cannot do right now. Not for a while still.
And if/once I do, I can't guarantee it will be a place they'd expect.
::update::
Been thinking about this today, and I've realized that the more people try to push me into a place I'm not ready for, the more I run away from it with all I have. With all of the pushing I've received from various quarters recently I'm becoming less and less inclined to ever go back to church! Perhaps I should be wearing a warning label??? :)
I can't seem to explain sufficiently that I'm not in a place right now where I can get me to a cellgroup, especially the ones he was mentioning. I understand his view that we can't find a perfect fit, and those little tensions within a group are part of our growth experience. I've heard all the angles on that, but I simply can't do it right now.
And yet I don't know how to explain why I can't. I can't seem to put into words that I can't stomach people in a Bible-study ring at the moment. Or that I really just need time out for a while, without being bothered to get back into the group.
My youngest brother has not been to church or involved in anything like that for many years now. It's only recently they've considered finding a church group to attend regularly. Yet I don't recall him being under pressure to get involved. It might be because there isn't a kid in the picture (and I have one), or because he was never hugely into church (while I was deep into the leadership and involvement thing). The contrast between me being in and out of church is greater than it would be for him. People notice when I'm not doing church, simply because I was so into it in the past. It doesn't help that I can still come up with creative worship ideas at the drop of a hat - even though I wouldn't do them myself, because I simply can't right now.
I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to hurt my parents by the things I COULD say against my current church attendance, denominational involvement and other churchy bits. They are, after all, a pastoral couple, and loyal to the church they serve and live within, the one I was raised in. I'm not sure they can relate to this need I have to completely step back and be alone for a while. I tried to explain it yesterday, but it didn't work. Perhaps if they read my blog regularly they'd get it - but they don't, and in some ways that's a good thing. (I wonder if they'll get this sudden urge to check in and find this though!).
Most folk have left me alone to go my way on my own journey, but it's hard for parents to do, especially when they're on the other end of the planet and don't know what's happening day-to-day. I don't think they have a point of reference for someone who needs to fling themselves far out into space on an eliptical orbit around the church for a while. Sure, I can understand they're worried about my son's spirituality - I have been to. But heading back to church in any form (Church church or Cell Group church) is something I simply cannot do right now. Not for a while still.
And if/once I do, I can't guarantee it will be a place they'd expect.
::update::
Been thinking about this today, and I've realized that the more people try to push me into a place I'm not ready for, the more I run away from it with all I have. With all of the pushing I've received from various quarters recently I'm becoming less and less inclined to ever go back to church! Perhaps I should be wearing a warning label??? :)
Writing a Book
While the rush to process students is somewhat quiet, I've started writing the manual for the course I'm due to teach in a few months. I'm really struggling - not with writing it as such, but with the fact that there is so much information, and I only have 18 hours of teaching to cover it in!
So far I've done an intro to what a webpage / site is, and an exercise to look at good and bad websites - and what makes them good or bad. I'm developing another exercise for later in the manual where students will create their own geocities web site, but will first need to build on their knowledge to get them there.
It's quite a challenge. I have no idea what level of knowledge I'll be dealing with, or how well the students will cope and understand. So I'm taking things from first principles, assuming no knowledge at all, and building on that.
Let's hope it works.....
I've got to keep this manual small enough to be affordable, but make it large enough to contain useful information. I don't want to over-burden the students financially or run out of time while trying to get through the manual. It's a pretty fine line to walk. Especially as one of my goals is that students will actually KNOW SOMETHING once they've completed this part of the course. They seem to come out of many others classes with a mind-blank!
But I'm off to a good start at least, with some direction. Just got to continue with it.
So far I've done an intro to what a webpage / site is, and an exercise to look at good and bad websites - and what makes them good or bad. I'm developing another exercise for later in the manual where students will create their own geocities web site, but will first need to build on their knowledge to get them there.
It's quite a challenge. I have no idea what level of knowledge I'll be dealing with, or how well the students will cope and understand. So I'm taking things from first principles, assuming no knowledge at all, and building on that.
Let's hope it works.....
I've got to keep this manual small enough to be affordable, but make it large enough to contain useful information. I don't want to over-burden the students financially or run out of time while trying to get through the manual. It's a pretty fine line to walk. Especially as one of my goals is that students will actually KNOW SOMETHING once they've completed this part of the course. They seem to come out of many others classes with a mind-blank!
But I'm off to a good start at least, with some direction. Just got to continue with it.
Reality and Dreams
Have you ever noticed how dreams can affect how you look at people? Let's say you have a dream that someone insults you - and for the next few days every time that person passes, you get these negative feelings about them, even though they truly have done nothing wrong!
I dreamt once again last night about that ex of mine, the chef guy. It was a nice dream - we not only got along, but we got involved and were completely happy.
Reality is that I have no idea what he thinks of me right now. His last impression of me was not good - he called me some very hurtful names and sniggered at me, looking down on me for seeking relationships from a sense of lonliness and getting dumped time after time. In the meantime he was dating a tall, slim girl who he worshipped, and constantly compared me to her - I was the slut and she was the angel, basically.
I have no idea if that has changed, or if he still considers me a low-down, bad person. And no, I haven't heard back from him after sending that package off.
It's interesting how our perceptions of what we think people think of us colour the way we treat them, and the way we see ourselves. If I think people see me as incompetent, I'll feel incompetent and probably start acting it too. If I think people see me as outgoing, I'll be outgoing and confident.
One has to wonder where the real reality really is (get your tongue around that one!:) ).
Hey, ever watched yourself talk on video or heard your voice on a tape recorder? I know I've wondered, "Is that how people hear me and see me?" I hear myself differently and I have another image in my head of what I look like, how I act. For instance, I've been told that I talk really fast, that sometimes it's hard for people to understand me. It stems from a deep-seated perception that I don't have anything worth hearing to say, so if I say something I'd better say it quickly so that those who have something worth listening to can get their chance. To me though, I talk slowly and clearly. Until I have to record a message on my office answering machine, play it back and realize just how quickly I run through the words!
Dreams can colour how we see ourselves too. A good one can bouy us up, a bad one drag us down into the dumps. I often feel things while dreaming that I don't while awake - emotions that I've tried to suppress or cut off from my wide-awake life, in order to "protect" myself. I'm surprised that they're still there, in my dreams. That they sometimes last into the first few waking moments before being pushed under once more.
One wonders if what we think of as reality is, after all, just in our heads.
I dreamt once again last night about that ex of mine, the chef guy. It was a nice dream - we not only got along, but we got involved and were completely happy.
Reality is that I have no idea what he thinks of me right now. His last impression of me was not good - he called me some very hurtful names and sniggered at me, looking down on me for seeking relationships from a sense of lonliness and getting dumped time after time. In the meantime he was dating a tall, slim girl who he worshipped, and constantly compared me to her - I was the slut and she was the angel, basically.
I have no idea if that has changed, or if he still considers me a low-down, bad person. And no, I haven't heard back from him after sending that package off.
It's interesting how our perceptions of what we think people think of us colour the way we treat them, and the way we see ourselves. If I think people see me as incompetent, I'll feel incompetent and probably start acting it too. If I think people see me as outgoing, I'll be outgoing and confident.
One has to wonder where the real reality really is (get your tongue around that one!:) ).
Hey, ever watched yourself talk on video or heard your voice on a tape recorder? I know I've wondered, "Is that how people hear me and see me?" I hear myself differently and I have another image in my head of what I look like, how I act. For instance, I've been told that I talk really fast, that sometimes it's hard for people to understand me. It stems from a deep-seated perception that I don't have anything worth hearing to say, so if I say something I'd better say it quickly so that those who have something worth listening to can get their chance. To me though, I talk slowly and clearly. Until I have to record a message on my office answering machine, play it back and realize just how quickly I run through the words!
Dreams can colour how we see ourselves too. A good one can bouy us up, a bad one drag us down into the dumps. I often feel things while dreaming that I don't while awake - emotions that I've tried to suppress or cut off from my wide-awake life, in order to "protect" myself. I'm surprised that they're still there, in my dreams. That they sometimes last into the first few waking moments before being pushed under once more.
One wonders if what we think of as reality is, after all, just in our heads.
"God's too busy for you"
I just received one of those "pass this on or else" emails, which started like so:
"If you are not interested, and do not have the 4 minutes it will take to
do this, please don't complain when God does not have time for you,
because He is far busier than we are."
Phuuuleeezze! There is just so much wrong with that, that I don't even know where to start! This strong-arming by email really grates on me. It workes on insecurities and fears, supersitions and suspicions - all with the aim of creating spam.
I don't believe God will never have time for me. Or that He gets too busy to listen if I talk, or even if I think. Heck, He's not like us! He's everywhere at once, all powerful, all knowing. So why would we think He'd act like us petty and petulant humans if we don't pass on an email?
And yet there are many that are so scared that God IS like this that they'll quickly forward it to everyone on their email list for fear of being struck by lighting (or ignored) from above. Shame, poor folk. Don't they know what God's like? Don't they even suspect that He's not into an eye for an eye? Don't they understand that He's bending near, just waiting to hear the breath of a prayer or a thank-you for blessings big and small? That He'll never say "try later, I'm busy"?
Sometimes I want to grab the folk who initiate this rot and shake them until their eyeballs rattle....
"If you are not interested, and do not have the 4 minutes it will take to
do this, please don't complain when God does not have time for you,
because He is far busier than we are."
Phuuuleeezze! There is just so much wrong with that, that I don't even know where to start! This strong-arming by email really grates on me. It workes on insecurities and fears, supersitions and suspicions - all with the aim of creating spam.
I don't believe God will never have time for me. Or that He gets too busy to listen if I talk, or even if I think. Heck, He's not like us! He's everywhere at once, all powerful, all knowing. So why would we think He'd act like us petty and petulant humans if we don't pass on an email?
And yet there are many that are so scared that God IS like this that they'll quickly forward it to everyone on their email list for fear of being struck by lighting (or ignored) from above. Shame, poor folk. Don't they know what God's like? Don't they even suspect that He's not into an eye for an eye? Don't they understand that He's bending near, just waiting to hear the breath of a prayer or a thank-you for blessings big and small? That He'll never say "try later, I'm busy"?
Sometimes I want to grab the folk who initiate this rot and shake them until their eyeballs rattle....
Counter-Measures
To balance off the headache-induced, "would have been that time of the month but the NurIsterate kicked in years ago" posts below, have a gratuitous shot of one of my dogs. What a beautiful beast!
And now I promise not to blog until the head clears up - or I may regret it later.
And now I promise not to blog until the head clears up - or I may regret it later.
Taking Control
It's a bit like I'm waking up from years in a fog. It's a bit like I've been living in dreamland. A couple of years ago I stopped living. I started existing. I got into a routine and let it rule me.
Parenting - well, my son almost raised himself for a few years, while I provided shelter and food and schooling and a good night hug or so. I didn't step up and take responsibility, or do more than was absolutely necessary. I just didn't seem to have the energy. I've let our diet slip into an unbalanced routine of what's easy to make - and our health is not what it should be as a result. Nor is my son willing to eat what he should - he's been used to what he shouldn't for too long. I should have been more of a parent and less of a "we'll let it slide" friend at times.
I've worked one job for 9 years now, going into my tenth. It's easy to take a monthly salary and get accommodation and insurance and medical aid taken care of by the company. Even if we don't always get the best deal. Even if our salaries are "non-profit scale" small. Because, after all, we're working for the Lord! And He's likely to reward us in heaven. (Perhaps, but I'm feeling a bit on the sarcastic side right now, so please bear with me) It's easy to accept your lot, because you're privileged enough to have work while millions don't - even though your passions and dreams fall by the wayside in the process.
Because we've constantly been "moving to Australia any month now" my home has not received the attention it should. I haven't maintained it or replaced things that need it, or planned long-term for my son to have his own room, or me to own a house. We've lived in a one-bedroom flat for 8 years, and he's never had his own real walled-in space.
I've gotten lazy. I've been flowing down a wide river without resistance, when my heart tells me it's not the path I should take. I should instead be tramping mountain trails, even though they're more difficult and might require a good deal of sacrifice.
But things are changing, ever so subtly. I've come to a point in my life where I need to once again take charge, and this time I'm ready to do so. I guess you could say things have come to a head, and that I'm finally crystallizing what I want out of life. It's a bit late (I'm already 33!), but better late than spend your entire life doing things you hate just because you can't leave a comfort zone of mediocrity.
One thing I really do want is to be my own boss, not to have to work for another person and be beholden to them for my livelihood, happiness or security. I keep getting job ads passed my way, but somehow can't stomach the thought of being yet another underling, a bottomfeeder, in a job I have no passion for.
As such, I am taking clear and certain steps in my quest to have a business of my own up and running at the end of this year. I've been keeping a book of ideas for ages, and my passions have not changed. They've just been cemented into one vision - with many branches. It's time to take all those little parts and meld them into a whole.
Being my own boss is not going to be easy. I'm a very realistic person, and I know what challenges I face. I know I'm pretty shy and find it hard to market myself, unless it's to friends. I'm tempted to hope THEY'LL be the ones to market me, but I cannot count on that any longer. Taking responsibility, you see. Making things happen instead of waiting for them to happen. I've been struggling with those first steps, but have been doing some research and clarifying fuzzy issues, and I think I have direction now.
Being self-employed in the future sorts out a number of other issues I've avoided. Like the "where to from here" feeling that swamps me occasionally. I'll have a goal! And the issue of office hours vs the freedom to work out of set hours. Which also has to do with how much time I can spend on parenting my son, on being with him and getting involved in his life. There's no doubt our finances will improve long-term in the future, though I will truly have to earn my pay instead of just pitch up during certain hours and expect it. However, I'll be doing something I love, something I can pour my heart and soul into, something that expresses who I am - and that hardly sounds like work, does it! Heck, I may even be able to afford a house sometime.
My profile here mentions I want to retire by 40 - what I probably should have said is retire from being an employee by 40. You see, once I'm working for me, I'd consider myself retired from what I consider work at the moment. I'd be living, not existing. I'd be in control of my life, and not dependent on someone else to control it.
Taking these first steps toward a "new" life has somehow made me feel stronger, better able to cope, filled with a renewed energy to get going. It's as if I'm slowly gathering life to myself. And it's the basis of the hope I feel for the year ahead.
Parenting - well, my son almost raised himself for a few years, while I provided shelter and food and schooling and a good night hug or so. I didn't step up and take responsibility, or do more than was absolutely necessary. I just didn't seem to have the energy. I've let our diet slip into an unbalanced routine of what's easy to make - and our health is not what it should be as a result. Nor is my son willing to eat what he should - he's been used to what he shouldn't for too long. I should have been more of a parent and less of a "we'll let it slide" friend at times.
I've worked one job for 9 years now, going into my tenth. It's easy to take a monthly salary and get accommodation and insurance and medical aid taken care of by the company. Even if we don't always get the best deal. Even if our salaries are "non-profit scale" small. Because, after all, we're working for the Lord! And He's likely to reward us in heaven. (Perhaps, but I'm feeling a bit on the sarcastic side right now, so please bear with me) It's easy to accept your lot, because you're privileged enough to have work while millions don't - even though your passions and dreams fall by the wayside in the process.
Because we've constantly been "moving to Australia any month now" my home has not received the attention it should. I haven't maintained it or replaced things that need it, or planned long-term for my son to have his own room, or me to own a house. We've lived in a one-bedroom flat for 8 years, and he's never had his own real walled-in space.
I've gotten lazy. I've been flowing down a wide river without resistance, when my heart tells me it's not the path I should take. I should instead be tramping mountain trails, even though they're more difficult and might require a good deal of sacrifice.
But things are changing, ever so subtly. I've come to a point in my life where I need to once again take charge, and this time I'm ready to do so. I guess you could say things have come to a head, and that I'm finally crystallizing what I want out of life. It's a bit late (I'm already 33!), but better late than spend your entire life doing things you hate just because you can't leave a comfort zone of mediocrity.
One thing I really do want is to be my own boss, not to have to work for another person and be beholden to them for my livelihood, happiness or security. I keep getting job ads passed my way, but somehow can't stomach the thought of being yet another underling, a bottomfeeder, in a job I have no passion for.
As such, I am taking clear and certain steps in my quest to have a business of my own up and running at the end of this year. I've been keeping a book of ideas for ages, and my passions have not changed. They've just been cemented into one vision - with many branches. It's time to take all those little parts and meld them into a whole.
Being my own boss is not going to be easy. I'm a very realistic person, and I know what challenges I face. I know I'm pretty shy and find it hard to market myself, unless it's to friends. I'm tempted to hope THEY'LL be the ones to market me, but I cannot count on that any longer. Taking responsibility, you see. Making things happen instead of waiting for them to happen. I've been struggling with those first steps, but have been doing some research and clarifying fuzzy issues, and I think I have direction now.
Being self-employed in the future sorts out a number of other issues I've avoided. Like the "where to from here" feeling that swamps me occasionally. I'll have a goal! And the issue of office hours vs the freedom to work out of set hours. Which also has to do with how much time I can spend on parenting my son, on being with him and getting involved in his life. There's no doubt our finances will improve long-term in the future, though I will truly have to earn my pay instead of just pitch up during certain hours and expect it. However, I'll be doing something I love, something I can pour my heart and soul into, something that expresses who I am - and that hardly sounds like work, does it! Heck, I may even be able to afford a house sometime.
My profile here mentions I want to retire by 40 - what I probably should have said is retire from being an employee by 40. You see, once I'm working for me, I'd consider myself retired from what I consider work at the moment. I'd be living, not existing. I'd be in control of my life, and not dependent on someone else to control it.
Taking these first steps toward a "new" life has somehow made me feel stronger, better able to cope, filled with a renewed energy to get going. It's as if I'm slowly gathering life to myself. And it's the basis of the hope I feel for the year ahead.
Bugged
Certain things are really grating on me while I'm on this "break from religion".
Like being addressed as a "fellow believer" - fellow believer in what? The way it was put, it was assumed I'm a fellow believer in all that the other fellow believes in. Surprise - I'm not! We may have some basics that line up, but I differ from you in a whole lot of other things.
And another one: "friends in Christ". Yes, we're all in Christ together, and we probably should be friends, but currently we may not be - especially since you are calling me that to get on my good side after treating me in a decidedly un-Christian manner just a few moments ago.
"You Christians" - add that to the list. I don't like being lumped together and generalized, particularly when this phrase is usually followed by something very negative, which it's pretty certain I don't subscribe to. If I do, I'm probably trying to change it as we speak.
"Us (insert appropriate denomination here) believe/act/live/do..." - no, we don't all believe/act/live/do that. And if you keep emphasizing that we should, implying that we're all automatons on autodrive, I feel even less like I belong here than I already do.
"Come experience a spiritual high-light and growth in Jesus!" - can you guarantee that? Because for the past year or so church meetings have drained my spirituality and left me more and more Jesus-less. I've found more of Him outside those gatherings. But hey, if you have the answer, by all means share it and I may just turn up.
Maybe a serious lack of sleep has something to do with feeling bugged by these today. Between the searing heat at night and the howling wind, rest is rest-less, sleep elusive. Over-tired headaches form quickly and easily.
I may not mind these labels and phrases tomorrow.
Like being addressed as a "fellow believer" - fellow believer in what? The way it was put, it was assumed I'm a fellow believer in all that the other fellow believes in. Surprise - I'm not! We may have some basics that line up, but I differ from you in a whole lot of other things.
And another one: "friends in Christ". Yes, we're all in Christ together, and we probably should be friends, but currently we may not be - especially since you are calling me that to get on my good side after treating me in a decidedly un-Christian manner just a few moments ago.
"You Christians" - add that to the list. I don't like being lumped together and generalized, particularly when this phrase is usually followed by something very negative, which it's pretty certain I don't subscribe to. If I do, I'm probably trying to change it as we speak.
"Us (insert appropriate denomination here) believe/act/live/do..." - no, we don't all believe/act/live/do that. And if you keep emphasizing that we should, implying that we're all automatons on autodrive, I feel even less like I belong here than I already do.
"Come experience a spiritual high-light and growth in Jesus!" - can you guarantee that? Because for the past year or so church meetings have drained my spirituality and left me more and more Jesus-less. I've found more of Him outside those gatherings. But hey, if you have the answer, by all means share it and I may just turn up.
Maybe a serious lack of sleep has something to do with feeling bugged by these today. Between the searing heat at night and the howling wind, rest is rest-less, sleep elusive. Over-tired headaches form quickly and easily.
I may not mind these labels and phrases tomorrow.
Quote of the Day
This one hit me between the eyes this morning:
"...it's good to give things away, to sell your possessions and give the proceeds to the poor. It's good because it helps someone who needs it, but it helps you more. Every part of the soul that is filled by a possession is a part that is unable to love freely. When you give it away, you get that part back."
via Correction (Matthew Sturges), part of a larger post.
"...it's good to give things away, to sell your possessions and give the proceeds to the poor. It's good because it helps someone who needs it, but it helps you more. Every part of the soul that is filled by a possession is a part that is unable to love freely. When you give it away, you get that part back."
via Correction (Matthew Sturges), part of a larger post.
What to do when you're burgled
Aquila, a blogger from Johannesburg (South Africa, for the geographically-challenged) had a close encounter with a couple of burglars recently.
Go check out his story - there's a twist in the tail at the end of it!
::update::
And now we have photos of the wounded! Check out his main page for the relevant blog post.
Go check out his story - there's a twist in the tail at the end of it!
::update::
And now we have photos of the wounded! Check out his main page for the relevant blog post.
Feng Shui at Work
It's working! Since I rearranged my office along feng shui principles (sorta) things have been mellow here. (Yeah, that's a nice big chunk of rose quartz under my monitor - a much bigger one keeps the front door at home from slamming against the table holding the fishtank.)
Outside the door there are some seriously bad vibes as a number of staff are strong-armed into swapping positions and doing jobs they don't want to. There's major tension, some crying in the bathrooms, and a lot of incredulity at the lack of either logical thinking or concern for how the people involved feel.
But this side of the door all is peace and goodwill. So far. Sure, I've been given a ridiculous talk by one of the bosses in recent days, but that happened outside this space. Once in here, in my little feng shui cocoon, there's "good energy flow" and all that stuff. Stress-free, working well.
Strange...!
::update::
Seems feng shui doesn't work against that p'd off feeling after all. Was just informed I'm "getting a reputation for saying no". Well if they only knew my sordid past, they'd be glad I can say no now! :)
But anyway - it came as a result not of me saying no, but me questioning something entirely logical - a time-management issue of not being able to be in two places at once.
You see, the receptionist has resigned, the bosses don't want to fork out a replacement salary, so now we're all expected to chip in at least 3 hours per week on switchboard/reception - over and above what we do day-to-day. And what I questioned is how I'm going to be able to do that, AND personally register 150 new students (for which I need an entire office of files and info, along with my computer and specific network access, and the nextdoor photocopier). At which stage I got told of my apparent reputation.
I don't know how I'm getting such a reputation, as I say yes to many, many extra duties I'm not supposed to - or get them pushed on me by people higher up the food chain. I'm more than slightly peeved right now by these wonderful perceptions folk seem to hold.
But I completely do not plan to be a doormat. Sure, I'll do my part, but I'd like to know the logic behind how I'm supposed to manage for that single week when I have to register everyone! And then later in the semester when I'm supposed to be teaching in addition to reception and usual work duties.
Anyone know some sort of crystal I can stick in the doorway that might create logical thought for visitors on entry? :)
Things to Do
Looking for something to do?
Attend a house-church conference in California (May 6-7).
Donate to Tsunami aid while Darren blogs away (20 January).
Take a survey at emergingblurb on an aspect of doing emerging church.
Feast your eyes on some awesome photography by Fred First.
Talk to your car.
Send something to little Sam to help him through his chemo.
Be part of a world-wide ambient vigil.
Download some tunes.
Look at photos of some abandoned places.
Learn about urban noise reduction.
Track a satellite.
Have a laugh and test a conspiracy theory on your next road-trip. (Hey, it even works in South Africa, if you use your imagination!)
..but I have more than enough other stuff to do, so I'll leave you to it.
Attend a house-church conference in California (May 6-7).
Donate to Tsunami aid while Darren blogs away (20 January).
Take a survey at emergingblurb on an aspect of doing emerging church.
Feast your eyes on some awesome photography by Fred First.
Talk to your car.
Send something to little Sam to help him through his chemo.
Be part of a world-wide ambient vigil.
Download some tunes.
Look at photos of some abandoned places.
Learn about urban noise reduction.
Track a satellite.
Have a laugh and test a conspiracy theory on your next road-trip. (Hey, it even works in South Africa, if you use your imagination!)
..but I have more than enough other stuff to do, so I'll leave you to it.
Help a Pastor Write a Sermon
I received this by email from my dad this morning, and asked if I could put it on my blog for your input:
If you would like to help, email him at garthbain at pnc dot com dot au. Thanks!
I am preparing to preach this coming weekend on the role of Bible Study for spiritual growth. One of my major challenges is to accept that works for me won't work for everybody! So, believing that you see things from a different perspective to me and that you will approach Bible Study from a different angle, I am asking your help. Share with me how you study the Bible in a way that helps you grow your spiritual life. I would like in turn to share what you send me with my congregation, knowing that what helps you will help someone else. That way, you can bless many people with the blessings you have received!
Thank you for your interest in being part of this.
Garth Bainbridge
If you would like to help, email him at garthbain at pnc dot com dot au. Thanks!
Heatwave
It's been a long time since we saw rain - enough rain to replenish our rapidly-drying out dams or lift the strict water restrictions. The government has imposed hectic fines - even jailtime! - if water restrictions are ignored, or the limit exceeded. One car-wash company has already had it's licence revoked thanks to water over-use.
The bore-hole blokes are doing a raging business, and are booked up until the end of April in this area, mostly by city dwellers wanting to put in a well on their property. A recent news item showed them using dowsing rods to find the water - which I can do myself, so perhaps I need to offer my services? :) Many people are placing buckets under their showers, re-using bath water, only flushing the toilet when absolutely necessary (and putting a brick in the cistern to reduce the amount of water used), even saving the water from boiling veggies for re-use on the plants. The government has appealed to anyone who has water-saving ideas to come forward, and as soon as I can find their contact details I aim to.
Many farmers in this area are giving up their farms and going elsewhere. The wheat crop has basically failed, and we're facing increased costs in food soon as a result.
For weeks now we've been sweltering under heat and wind. Last night was the worst yet - too hot to sleep, even with all the windows open and the fan on full-blast.
And then, very early this morning, I smelt rain. As I mentioned a while back, I can smell rain coming up to 2 days before it actually arrives. I woke up to high cloud cover and the weatherman promising a spot of rain.
Lord, I hope it does! So many of us have been praying for rain, for a bit of relief. It's all good and well to have aircon at work (we'd wilt without it), but rain would be awesome!
And yet upcountry there are floods and people being swept away in swollen rivers.
A few nights ago I was lying in bed, when a brilliant thought hit me - they usually do just as I'm falling asleep. What if we had a network of pipes across the country, and the areas that received massive rainfall could collect that in roof-run-off tanks, underground dams and disused strip-mines - and then pump that water to the dams that need it! Of course it would cost millions to get such a system in place, and knowing our lovely corrupt government officials most of the cash might end up in their pockets, but it's a thought.
Failing that, we pray for rain and watch eagerly any cloud that grows large enough to dump its contents on the land. Yet again, we're at the mercy of mother nature and her Controller.
- image from news item here
::update::It's raining, ever so gently, with a background rumble of thunder. Wonderful stuff!
Back to school
Kids in the coastal provinces of South Africa started the new school year today - and all over the country the wind-speed increased as parents heaved a sigh of relief that the holidays are finally over, and we can stop hearing "I'm bored - what can I do?"!
My son is in grade 6 this year - 2nd last year of primary school. Time really flies! It seems like just yesterday that he headed off to grade 1. Now he clomps off in huge shoes and clothes that are already crying out for an upgrade to a larger size. I helped carry his newly-covered school books down this morning. As usual I faced the inevitable moans and groans at having to get up, get into a uniform, and get off before the bell rang at 7:30.
Last night was even worse. He was in tears after a "bad day". His on-campus friend bugged him and irritated him all day, he was made to eat food he didn't like, and had his nails cut - one thing he resists with all he's got, but they were really getting awful. He had to bath and wasn't allowed to stay up late to watch "Who's Line is it Anyway". Poor, deprived kid! :) Well, we managed to sort him out by bedtime with a quick game of Uno and a glass each of cold grape juice. He went to bed in a slightly better frame of mind.
So now it's back to the routine of up early, to bed early, homework in the evenings, school in the mornings. No more laying about in the pyjamas until midday or flexible bedtimes.
But I know this year's going to be OK. He struggled in lower primary school with keeping up - gets bored easily or stuck on one point and doesn't move on. It's been improving steadily as he matures and learns how to cope. He has a good teacher this year, who thinks like he does and may be able to relate to his learning style better than others. It seems he'll be doing some fun and challenging work, which will keep him from bored-ing out, tuning out.
Back to school. Buckle up and hold on for the ride!
::update::
Well the kid's back from day one, and as expected it went pretty well. They have homework of course - an oral and a bit of Maths - but there was one surprise. The teacher he was expecting has moved grades! You see, 2 days before school started the grade 7 teacher resigned without notice, sending the staff into panic mode. Since then there are a couple of names as possibilities, and in the meantime they've called back the ex-principal (a stern, tall spinster, who still attempts to run the school by remote at times...) to stand in. My son has her as class teacher, with the expected teacher only doing Maths and one other subject. They've also switched classrooms, so it's upheaval all round! But so far so good. He gets to take a few of his precious stones to school tomorrow to talk about things like petrified wood, ancient fish and evolution-related matters (the school's strong on creation, not evolution, but they're discussing it).
Let's hope the rest of the year goes as smoothly...
My son is in grade 6 this year - 2nd last year of primary school. Time really flies! It seems like just yesterday that he headed off to grade 1. Now he clomps off in huge shoes and clothes that are already crying out for an upgrade to a larger size. I helped carry his newly-covered school books down this morning. As usual I faced the inevitable moans and groans at having to get up, get into a uniform, and get off before the bell rang at 7:30.
Last night was even worse. He was in tears after a "bad day". His on-campus friend bugged him and irritated him all day, he was made to eat food he didn't like, and had his nails cut - one thing he resists with all he's got, but they were really getting awful. He had to bath and wasn't allowed to stay up late to watch "Who's Line is it Anyway". Poor, deprived kid! :) Well, we managed to sort him out by bedtime with a quick game of Uno and a glass each of cold grape juice. He went to bed in a slightly better frame of mind.
So now it's back to the routine of up early, to bed early, homework in the evenings, school in the mornings. No more laying about in the pyjamas until midday or flexible bedtimes.
But I know this year's going to be OK. He struggled in lower primary school with keeping up - gets bored easily or stuck on one point and doesn't move on. It's been improving steadily as he matures and learns how to cope. He has a good teacher this year, who thinks like he does and may be able to relate to his learning style better than others. It seems he'll be doing some fun and challenging work, which will keep him from bored-ing out, tuning out.
Back to school. Buckle up and hold on for the ride!
::update::
Well the kid's back from day one, and as expected it went pretty well. They have homework of course - an oral and a bit of Maths - but there was one surprise. The teacher he was expecting has moved grades! You see, 2 days before school started the grade 7 teacher resigned without notice, sending the staff into panic mode. Since then there are a couple of names as possibilities, and in the meantime they've called back the ex-principal (a stern, tall spinster, who still attempts to run the school by remote at times...) to stand in. My son has her as class teacher, with the expected teacher only doing Maths and one other subject. They've also switched classrooms, so it's upheaval all round! But so far so good. He gets to take a few of his precious stones to school tomorrow to talk about things like petrified wood, ancient fish and evolution-related matters (the school's strong on creation, not evolution, but they're discussing it).
Let's hope the rest of the year goes as smoothly...
The Positive Post
Just after the new year started, I mentioned that I faced the year with a feeling of hope, a feeling that good things are coming.
It was reinforced last week.
I managed to pay my sons' school fees for the year in advance (they start the new school year on Wednesday), giving me the freedom to get back on my feet financially instead of being tied to a monthly payment at an increased fee. We've sorted out all his books (covered in brown paper and plastic) and stationery needs, his Grade 6 teacher is a good one, and I think he's going to do well this year. I'm left with a good feeling about his studies and our coping with them as a mini-family.
In planning my own business, I have this feeling that it's going to come together this year. I'll finally have some control over my work life, doing things I love and quite probably having more cash come in than I do working at a non-profit organization. I'll have the freedom to be me too - and not have to conform to rules and regulations I don't agree with as a condition of work. I will finally be able to fully express who I am and what I enjoy. Sure, it's going to take time to get this whole gigantic episode off the ground, but I'm working at it - and that's a start! I'm giving it 6 months to show whether it will be profitable or not, and a year to go over full-time (if the 6-month thing works). It may sound unreasonable, but I think I've found a cool little gap in the market...and every day I come up with more ideas to add in extra products and ensure success.
With my son's school fees out the way, we can consider entertaining more, going out more, maintaining the car to a point where we're not scared we'll break down every time we drive somewhere, and starting to upgrade things that need it - like the TV that broke suddenly in the middle of Saturday night's movie this weekend, or my watch battery that gave out a few hours later. We can look at a move to a place where my son will have his own room for the first time in his life, and where we don't trip over each other in a tiny living space (not that I'm not thankful for a roof over my head). Maybe, just maybe, once the business has taken off, we may be able to buy a place of our own. Then again, with current prices in this area, it may not be a possibility at all!
We've made a plan as family to keep in contact - me and my brothers and their families - and meet up regularly. See improved car maintenance above...! :) It's time we reconnected, for more than an hour over a meal once every few months. I feel good about what we're up to for this year.
Work here? Well so far so good, even though I'm doing my darndest to leave and go "solo". I've got that teaching challenge in a few months, which is stretching me and giving me a bit of something new to try out. I'm still trying to get the new website finished, and enjoying pushing my knowledge in that area. I've sorted out the office and decluttered everything in site - and my chili, lavendar and mint plants on the windowsill are lovely and luxurious. It's a pretty good working environment, good enough to keep me motivated and organized and moving forward (provided I don't blog too much).
The only think I'm not positive about is a move to Australia. Or should I say, I'm positive that it's not going to happen. The options for us trying to get in are just too unreasonable. But that gives me a chance to finally live here, now, instead of living in limbo and wondering where to next. It's about time I settled down decently and made a good life where we're at, instead of living in the future and the maybe's.
OK, enough introspection for one day. Post and publish, then on to other things needing my attention.
It was reinforced last week.
I managed to pay my sons' school fees for the year in advance (they start the new school year on Wednesday), giving me the freedom to get back on my feet financially instead of being tied to a monthly payment at an increased fee. We've sorted out all his books (covered in brown paper and plastic) and stationery needs, his Grade 6 teacher is a good one, and I think he's going to do well this year. I'm left with a good feeling about his studies and our coping with them as a mini-family.
In planning my own business, I have this feeling that it's going to come together this year. I'll finally have some control over my work life, doing things I love and quite probably having more cash come in than I do working at a non-profit organization. I'll have the freedom to be me too - and not have to conform to rules and regulations I don't agree with as a condition of work. I will finally be able to fully express who I am and what I enjoy. Sure, it's going to take time to get this whole gigantic episode off the ground, but I'm working at it - and that's a start! I'm giving it 6 months to show whether it will be profitable or not, and a year to go over full-time (if the 6-month thing works). It may sound unreasonable, but I think I've found a cool little gap in the market...and every day I come up with more ideas to add in extra products and ensure success.
With my son's school fees out the way, we can consider entertaining more, going out more, maintaining the car to a point where we're not scared we'll break down every time we drive somewhere, and starting to upgrade things that need it - like the TV that broke suddenly in the middle of Saturday night's movie this weekend, or my watch battery that gave out a few hours later. We can look at a move to a place where my son will have his own room for the first time in his life, and where we don't trip over each other in a tiny living space (not that I'm not thankful for a roof over my head). Maybe, just maybe, once the business has taken off, we may be able to buy a place of our own. Then again, with current prices in this area, it may not be a possibility at all!
We've made a plan as family to keep in contact - me and my brothers and their families - and meet up regularly. See improved car maintenance above...! :) It's time we reconnected, for more than an hour over a meal once every few months. I feel good about what we're up to for this year.
Work here? Well so far so good, even though I'm doing my darndest to leave and go "solo". I've got that teaching challenge in a few months, which is stretching me and giving me a bit of something new to try out. I'm still trying to get the new website finished, and enjoying pushing my knowledge in that area. I've sorted out the office and decluttered everything in site - and my chili, lavendar and mint plants on the windowsill are lovely and luxurious. It's a pretty good working environment, good enough to keep me motivated and organized and moving forward (provided I don't blog too much).
The only think I'm not positive about is a move to Australia. Or should I say, I'm positive that it's not going to happen. The options for us trying to get in are just too unreasonable. But that gives me a chance to finally live here, now, instead of living in limbo and wondering where to next. It's about time I settled down decently and made a good life where we're at, instead of living in the future and the maybe's.
OK, enough introspection for one day. Post and publish, then on to other things needing my attention.
Of Friends and Guys
Was pondering, during another weekend of going nowhere, seeing no-one, what's up with my life. Socially speaking.
I've let a lot of friendships die out over the past few years, getting too absorbed in day-to-day survival to take time out. We've been short on cash for entertaining for the past few years, and my house hasn't been conducive to the odd dropping-in of random visitors (see barky dogs at front gate and awful old stinky carpets in lounge...). I've changed churches, then dropped out of church and lost contact with the church folk. My views have shifted, and I can't relate to certain people the same way I used to because of that. I have trouble conversing when they see things so differently to the way I do now. I've become very much a home-body. I see folk all week long, and just want to sit at home and do nothing most weekends. But it's also started to get a bit boring and irritating with just the two of us, doing not a heck of a lot except the housework, a spot of cooking and an afternoon nap or two.
And then there's the "guys" thing.
Been thinking about that too lately, and perhaps I'm almost ready to consider dating. But where to meet guys? Especially as a single mom? There's no way I'm hanging out in bars or clubs, and not attending church means I don't meet anyone there (not that there was anyone to meet, anyway). I'm not involved in any clubs or associations, and I'm not going to eye the new student intake for potentials! :) There's always the internet - major dodgy!
But perhaps a solution to both of these scenarios is to get back into the friends scene. To look up folk I haven't seen in years, try and get over my issues with some of them (there's one single mom who really wants to be my friend, but who irritates the heck out of me!), or maybe find an interesting club to join and get the two of us involved. Will have to investigate what's available in the area.
It's not that I'm lonely, but it's that my son and I are missing out on vital interaction, and he's losing out on certain social skills (how do you teach table manners when you don't own a table? :) ). He's gotten into the habit of not eating a blessed thing if we're eating at someone else's house - he doesn't like food he doesn't know, refuses to even try it, goes home hungry and gets car-sick on the way...! Time for that to change.
But I'm positive about this year ("positive post" to follow shortly!), and I think we might be able to do something about our cut-off-edness (???) pretty soon. It's just going to take some effort, time, possible cash, and a little less sitting around doing nothing.
I've let a lot of friendships die out over the past few years, getting too absorbed in day-to-day survival to take time out. We've been short on cash for entertaining for the past few years, and my house hasn't been conducive to the odd dropping-in of random visitors (see barky dogs at front gate and awful old stinky carpets in lounge...). I've changed churches, then dropped out of church and lost contact with the church folk. My views have shifted, and I can't relate to certain people the same way I used to because of that. I have trouble conversing when they see things so differently to the way I do now. I've become very much a home-body. I see folk all week long, and just want to sit at home and do nothing most weekends. But it's also started to get a bit boring and irritating with just the two of us, doing not a heck of a lot except the housework, a spot of cooking and an afternoon nap or two.
And then there's the "guys" thing.
Been thinking about that too lately, and perhaps I'm almost ready to consider dating. But where to meet guys? Especially as a single mom? There's no way I'm hanging out in bars or clubs, and not attending church means I don't meet anyone there (not that there was anyone to meet, anyway). I'm not involved in any clubs or associations, and I'm not going to eye the new student intake for potentials! :) There's always the internet - major dodgy!
But perhaps a solution to both of these scenarios is to get back into the friends scene. To look up folk I haven't seen in years, try and get over my issues with some of them (there's one single mom who really wants to be my friend, but who irritates the heck out of me!), or maybe find an interesting club to join and get the two of us involved. Will have to investigate what's available in the area.
It's not that I'm lonely, but it's that my son and I are missing out on vital interaction, and he's losing out on certain social skills (how do you teach table manners when you don't own a table? :) ). He's gotten into the habit of not eating a blessed thing if we're eating at someone else's house - he doesn't like food he doesn't know, refuses to even try it, goes home hungry and gets car-sick on the way...! Time for that to change.
But I'm positive about this year ("positive post" to follow shortly!), and I think we might be able to do something about our cut-off-edness (???) pretty soon. It's just going to take some effort, time, possible cash, and a little less sitting around doing nothing.
Dads and the Teen years
My son is growing so rapidly. He says he found "a hair" on his chest yesterday, and has been sprouting hair in other areas for a while now. He's getting tall and lanky, and is pushing boundaries. One of these days I will no longer be able to resist getting crushed by a big hug - if he still wants to hug me when that time arrives...
And yet I worry so much about the years that are approaching, those dreaded Teen Years.
A while back he told me "gramps is going to have to teach me to shave one day, cos I don't have a dad". I told him I was sorry he didn't. He said he doesn't want one, he likes it the way it is.
I'm not convinced. I grew up with two parents, and know what he's missing out on. I also know my limitations, and that there are many things I cannot be, cannot do. I can't be a male role-model. I can't be a dad. I can't do everything - and some times I feel selfish for wanting him to just get to sleep so I can go to bed after a long hard day. Those are the times he seems to need more of me than I'm able to give.
How do I handle these years ahead?
I know he has two great role-models in my brothers, but we don't see them that much (they live a half-hour's drive from here, but have lives of their own that keep them busy), and there's no-one else immediately available.
How do I handle the discipline when he pushes me too far? Maybe I've been too slack over the past years. He was always a good kid, never needed serious punishment or discipline. A word or a look was generally enough - but I suspect that is changing. How do I say "go to your room" when he doesn't have one? How do I deal with all those potential issues? How do I enforce my authority when he stubbornly says "no"?
What do I know about boy's bodies, how they change, how they function, what hormones are ebbing and flowing?
I'm full of questions about the future. I don't know if we'll have it relatively easy or not. I know he's going to go through a time of questioning who he is and where he fits in - will I be able to ease him through that, secure and confident in the fact that he matters? Or is it too late for that already?
I'm pretty sure most single moms of almost-teen boys have the same stuff going through their heads, especially if there has never been a dad in the picture. A "broken family" is never ideal, never in God's plan I'm sure. And yet it happens.
And one of two things is the result:
1. A man who can't deal with his past, his dad-less state, and who faces years of counselling or seeking out that missing person to complete his image of who he is. Who can't emotionally committ to a marriage fully, because growing up he didn't have a good one modelled to him.
2. A man who can deal with his past, and has come out whole and strong, able to love and be a dad despite it all.
I so, so hope that my son is a #2. That the scars from a situation I cannot change won't run too deep. That I truly HAVE done all I can to raise him up well.
And yet....
And yet I worry so much about the years that are approaching, those dreaded Teen Years.
A while back he told me "gramps is going to have to teach me to shave one day, cos I don't have a dad". I told him I was sorry he didn't. He said he doesn't want one, he likes it the way it is.
I'm not convinced. I grew up with two parents, and know what he's missing out on. I also know my limitations, and that there are many things I cannot be, cannot do. I can't be a male role-model. I can't be a dad. I can't do everything - and some times I feel selfish for wanting him to just get to sleep so I can go to bed after a long hard day. Those are the times he seems to need more of me than I'm able to give.
How do I handle these years ahead?
I know he has two great role-models in my brothers, but we don't see them that much (they live a half-hour's drive from here, but have lives of their own that keep them busy), and there's no-one else immediately available.
How do I handle the discipline when he pushes me too far? Maybe I've been too slack over the past years. He was always a good kid, never needed serious punishment or discipline. A word or a look was generally enough - but I suspect that is changing. How do I say "go to your room" when he doesn't have one? How do I deal with all those potential issues? How do I enforce my authority when he stubbornly says "no"?
What do I know about boy's bodies, how they change, how they function, what hormones are ebbing and flowing?
I'm full of questions about the future. I don't know if we'll have it relatively easy or not. I know he's going to go through a time of questioning who he is and where he fits in - will I be able to ease him through that, secure and confident in the fact that he matters? Or is it too late for that already?
I'm pretty sure most single moms of almost-teen boys have the same stuff going through their heads, especially if there has never been a dad in the picture. A "broken family" is never ideal, never in God's plan I'm sure. And yet it happens.
And one of two things is the result:
1. A man who can't deal with his past, his dad-less state, and who faces years of counselling or seeking out that missing person to complete his image of who he is. Who can't emotionally committ to a marriage fully, because growing up he didn't have a good one modelled to him.
2. A man who can deal with his past, and has come out whole and strong, able to love and be a dad despite it all.
I so, so hope that my son is a #2. That the scars from a situation I cannot change won't run too deep. That I truly HAVE done all I can to raise him up well.
And yet....
Taking a break from Religion
Yes, the above statement makes me nervous, but I think that's where I'm at right now.
It's quite a change from past years of enthusiastic involvement and devouring all I could read that would inspire or challenge me. I still have some of those potential reads lying around, but I look at them and think "not now". Perhaps in a few months, or a few weeks, probably not a few days.
And yet, this is not the easiest thing to explain. My beliefs are still firm (I think!), but my practices have gone out the window for the time being.
A month ago if you wanted to get me talking, you'd mention "church" and just let me rattle on for hours. Now I'd rather say nothing. Not about worship, or what could be improved, or the latest bad pastor, or the worship team, or what new music has been introduced, or small groups, or anything. I just don't have the energy or the mind-space to deal with them.
It's a strange place for me to be, and one that I'm rather uncomfortable with. Growing up a pastor's kid, attending church every single week, getting involved, leading out, creating change - that was me. Pioneer, striding forth to make a difference and see good things happen in church. Initiator of vibrant kids programmes, pusher-around of the pastor for unique and new services.
Being on the outside, not attending, not "fellowshipping", not anything-ing - it's not what I'm used to. I don't quite know how to deal with it, how to spend my time, how to hold on to things that I find important when I'm struggling with the basics. There's a big temptation to just let it all go until further notice. But what then?
Christian society would label me a rebel, kicking against religion a bit late - most do it in their teen years. Church attenders would label me a backslider, gone out into the dangerous evil world without a plan, a mission, or a hope of surviving it.
But I'm not into labels. I'm not into conforming (and working in a place that requires conform-to-the-max is starting to drive me slightly batty). I'm not into anything. It's all just a big, grey blank.
Scary stuff. Unexplainable. But that's where I find myself.
::update::
Just wanted to mention: because of the place I'm in right now, there probably won't be much religion-related blogging in the next little while. Taking a break from that too, unless something dramatic or different happens.
It's quite a change from past years of enthusiastic involvement and devouring all I could read that would inspire or challenge me. I still have some of those potential reads lying around, but I look at them and think "not now". Perhaps in a few months, or a few weeks, probably not a few days.
And yet, this is not the easiest thing to explain. My beliefs are still firm (I think!), but my practices have gone out the window for the time being.
A month ago if you wanted to get me talking, you'd mention "church" and just let me rattle on for hours. Now I'd rather say nothing. Not about worship, or what could be improved, or the latest bad pastor, or the worship team, or what new music has been introduced, or small groups, or anything. I just don't have the energy or the mind-space to deal with them.
It's a strange place for me to be, and one that I'm rather uncomfortable with. Growing up a pastor's kid, attending church every single week, getting involved, leading out, creating change - that was me. Pioneer, striding forth to make a difference and see good things happen in church. Initiator of vibrant kids programmes, pusher-around of the pastor for unique and new services.
Being on the outside, not attending, not "fellowshipping", not anything-ing - it's not what I'm used to. I don't quite know how to deal with it, how to spend my time, how to hold on to things that I find important when I'm struggling with the basics. There's a big temptation to just let it all go until further notice. But what then?
Christian society would label me a rebel, kicking against religion a bit late - most do it in their teen years. Church attenders would label me a backslider, gone out into the dangerous evil world without a plan, a mission, or a hope of surviving it.
But I'm not into labels. I'm not into conforming (and working in a place that requires conform-to-the-max is starting to drive me slightly batty). I'm not into anything. It's all just a big, grey blank.
Scary stuff. Unexplainable. But that's where I find myself.
::update::
Just wanted to mention: because of the place I'm in right now, there probably won't be much religion-related blogging in the next little while. Taking a break from that too, unless something dramatic or different happens.
South African Good Luck Charm
Something strange is going on...
South Africa is currently playing England in a cricket test series. With the previous test games (5 day games, for those of you who are cricket-clueless - and if you are, the rest of this post will make no sense to you!), every time I'd check the online scoreboard or watch the game on TV, South Africa would either get an English wicket or hit 4 runs, depending on whether they were bowling or batting.
Yesterday, South Africa slogged through the entire day, only taking 2 wickets while England scored 262 runs - until I got home and switched on the TV (didn't have time to check the score online). Within seconds, they'd gotten a wicket! I then went outside briefly, and just as I came back into the room they got another!
I'm completely convinced that I'm South Africa's good luck charm. I think I'd better watch the rest of the match to ensure us a win... :)
South Africa is currently playing England in a cricket test series. With the previous test games (5 day games, for those of you who are cricket-clueless - and if you are, the rest of this post will make no sense to you!), every time I'd check the online scoreboard or watch the game on TV, South Africa would either get an English wicket or hit 4 runs, depending on whether they were bowling or batting.
Yesterday, South Africa slogged through the entire day, only taking 2 wickets while England scored 262 runs - until I got home and switched on the TV (didn't have time to check the score online). Within seconds, they'd gotten a wicket! I then went outside briefly, and just as I came back into the room they got another!
I'm completely convinced that I'm South Africa's good luck charm. I think I'd better watch the rest of the match to ensure us a win... :)
Blast from the Past
It's suddenly gone quiet here in the office. To amuse myself, I've been downloading some old radio shows.
Way back before we had TVs (got them really late here in Africa!), the radio was our entertainment. No mindless bombardment of sound and light, telling you what to think and not requiring any extra thought. No sir, we heard voices and sound effects, and our imaginations filled in the rest.
Springbok Radio was one of our favourites, until it closed down in the mid-80's (I think...). Every Sunday night we'd tune in for the kid's programmes, and then such great comedies as The Goon Show and The Men from the Ministry.
Well, after downloading the "Ying Tong Song" (Goon Show) for my son's amusement, I went in search of other Goon show and Men from the Ministry sound clips - and found a bunch! I've downloaded a few, and will keep adding more as I find them, until I have enough of a collection to burn onto CD.
They're still as funny as they've always been, and maybe, just maybe, I can get my son off the TV long enough to listen, imagine, and lose himself in a bit of old time radio comedy. I may even be able to find some kid's shows for him, if I look long and hard enough - anything would be better than Yu Gi Oh, BeyBlade and Dragonball GT! :)
Way back before we had TVs (got them really late here in Africa!), the radio was our entertainment. No mindless bombardment of sound and light, telling you what to think and not requiring any extra thought. No sir, we heard voices and sound effects, and our imaginations filled in the rest.
Springbok Radio was one of our favourites, until it closed down in the mid-80's (I think...). Every Sunday night we'd tune in for the kid's programmes, and then such great comedies as The Goon Show and The Men from the Ministry.
Well, after downloading the "Ying Tong Song" (Goon Show) for my son's amusement, I went in search of other Goon show and Men from the Ministry sound clips - and found a bunch! I've downloaded a few, and will keep adding more as I find them, until I have enough of a collection to burn onto CD.
They're still as funny as they've always been, and maybe, just maybe, I can get my son off the TV long enough to listen, imagine, and lose himself in a bit of old time radio comedy. I may even be able to find some kid's shows for him, if I look long and hard enough - anything would be better than Yu Gi Oh, BeyBlade and Dragonball GT! :)
Bloglite
This blog may look somewhat neglected in the next month or so. This is the busiest time of the year for me and I'm literally running constantly. The phone is ringing off the hook. So please excuse me if I don't say much. I'm pretty sure I'll make up for it later! :)
e-tv Reads My Blog
Earlier this week I posted a couple of links to news stories on extreme weather the world over. And last night e-tv had a special news report on "What on Earth is happening to our weather?" They must have read my blog!
The upshot of it is that for the past 10 years the weather has been getting more extreme. Droughts are drier and longer, storms more violent, hurricanes more frequent and harsher. And it's only going to get worse. Brace yourself and get used to it!
Things like global warming were mentioned as possible factors, though the climatologist didn't want to commit herself to that as a definite answer. There are other factors too like destruction of forests, desertification, and over-use of natural resources, all leading to imbalance.
It's pretty interesting to see how one thing affects another, in a huge unstoppable chain reaction. But folk are starting to wake up to the realities. I know a couple of governments are looking at how to effect long-term climate change, and saying if we don't do something now it will be forever too late. They're right, but it takes a while to sink in, and even longer for people to react. Too many other things take priority.
If we are to survive on this planet for many more years, it's going to require each of us obtaining a new mind-set, re-thinking how we view and use the world and its gifts, and examining the impact we have individually. The government can't do it all.
And we need to do it before it's too late.
The upshot of it is that for the past 10 years the weather has been getting more extreme. Droughts are drier and longer, storms more violent, hurricanes more frequent and harsher. And it's only going to get worse. Brace yourself and get used to it!
Things like global warming were mentioned as possible factors, though the climatologist didn't want to commit herself to that as a definite answer. There are other factors too like destruction of forests, desertification, and over-use of natural resources, all leading to imbalance.
It's pretty interesting to see how one thing affects another, in a huge unstoppable chain reaction. But folk are starting to wake up to the realities. I know a couple of governments are looking at how to effect long-term climate change, and saying if we don't do something now it will be forever too late. They're right, but it takes a while to sink in, and even longer for people to react. Too many other things take priority.
If we are to survive on this planet for many more years, it's going to require each of us obtaining a new mind-set, re-thinking how we view and use the world and its gifts, and examining the impact we have individually. The government can't do it all.
And we need to do it before it's too late.
DIY
What does it profit a woman to have a full set of Tae-Bo videos in her cupboard, but not use them for a year?
Last night that unprofitability came to an end! After work my legs were feeling swollen from a day on my rear end behind a desk, and what better way to cure that than a couple of kicks, punches and butt-crunching leg-lifts! For half an hour I tried to keep up - and discovered just how unfit and unstrong I've become...
But it's a start. I've found a time-slot to do this, I've figured out my "but I can't..."s, and it's time to do it.
To motivate myself further, I had my son take a couple of "before" pictures, which I am definitely not posting on this blog, unless and until there are some much better "after" ones.
I've been drinking loads of water at work, and thanks to the evening exercise suppers are not an option. I'm just not hungry enough. Fruit maybe, but nothing more.
And the strange thing is, after just one session my pants are slightly, ever so slightly, looser this morning! That was fast! Slept pretty well too. Things are looking up in the health department.
Last night that unprofitability came to an end! After work my legs were feeling swollen from a day on my rear end behind a desk, and what better way to cure that than a couple of kicks, punches and butt-crunching leg-lifts! For half an hour I tried to keep up - and discovered just how unfit and unstrong I've become...
But it's a start. I've found a time-slot to do this, I've figured out my "but I can't..."s, and it's time to do it.
To motivate myself further, I had my son take a couple of "before" pictures, which I am definitely not posting on this blog, unless and until there are some much better "after" ones.
I've been drinking loads of water at work, and thanks to the evening exercise suppers are not an option. I'm just not hungry enough. Fruit maybe, but nothing more.
And the strange thing is, after just one session my pants are slightly, ever so slightly, looser this morning! That was fast! Slept pretty well too. Things are looking up in the health department.
Quick Updates
Teaching: I've given a "provisional yes" to the boss re teaching basic web design, but apparently last year's lecturer got so frustrated with the student's inability to learn anything that he barely scratched the surface of what he'd hoped to teach! I'm supposed to be paid contract lecturer fees for teaching, but now I hear that full-time employed staff who are asked to teach will be requested to do it "as part of their work hours", ie we won't get paid extra. Oh joy.... Anyway, I hope I get students who have at least part of a brain, and don't make me demand danger pay for undue stress.
Music: I cut my first CD yesterday, with a few pretty cool downloads. The CD contains:
Bed of Roses - Guns 'n Roses
Believe - Cher
White Wedding - Billy Idol
Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby Mcferrin
Insomnia - Faithless (the only rave I ever went to featured Faithless and this song, and was incredibly awesome!)
Love in an elevator - Aerosmith
This Love - Maroon 5
Beds Are Burning - Midnight Oil
Always look on the bright side of life - Monty Python
Broken Wings - Mr Mister
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
We Will Rock You / Champions - Queen
Who Let the Dogs Out? - Baha Men
And now you've learnt more about me from my choice of music than you ever might otherwise! :)
My son is currently over-playing extra-loud "who let the dogs out". But he's very into a lot of the other ones too now. Poor kid.... imagine having me as an influence at that age!
Music: I cut my first CD yesterday, with a few pretty cool downloads. The CD contains:
Bed of Roses - Guns 'n Roses
Believe - Cher
White Wedding - Billy Idol
Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby Mcferrin
Insomnia - Faithless (the only rave I ever went to featured Faithless and this song, and was incredibly awesome!)
Love in an elevator - Aerosmith
This Love - Maroon 5
Beds Are Burning - Midnight Oil
Always look on the bright side of life - Monty Python
Broken Wings - Mr Mister
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
We Will Rock You / Champions - Queen
Who Let the Dogs Out? - Baha Men
And now you've learnt more about me from my choice of music than you ever might otherwise! :)
My son is currently over-playing extra-loud "who let the dogs out". But he's very into a lot of the other ones too now. Poor kid.... imagine having me as an influence at that age!
Dated....
I've just put a "sell by" date on myself, thanks to a song I can't get out of my head, that has been on permanent replay since half-way through last night's UNO game!
Which song? Midnight Oil's "Beds are Burning"!
Yeah, I'm perhaps not as old as some of you who can't get Elvis off your mind, but hey, I'm not that young either.
Thankfully, I've found a free download (click the link), and it's blasting forth from my speakers. Lovely stuff! I think I'm going to look up a few more of the oldie-goodies, download them and cut me a get-up-and-move CD.
(First Newsboys, now Midnight Oil - I may be developing an Aussie music fetish... Hmmm.....)
Which song? Midnight Oil's "Beds are Burning"!
Yeah, I'm perhaps not as old as some of you who can't get Elvis off your mind, but hey, I'm not that young either.
Thankfully, I've found a free download (click the link), and it's blasting forth from my speakers. Lovely stuff! I think I'm going to look up a few more of the oldie-goodies, download them and cut me a get-up-and-move CD.
(First Newsboys, now Midnight Oil - I may be developing an Aussie music fetish... Hmmm.....)
Please explain
I should never have mentioned to relatives that I may start a small group of lost souls in this year. I should't have mentioned it to anyone. Life can't be carefully planned out and followed.
You see, I don't think I will be starting one - at least not in the forseeable future. I'm not in a place where I feel I can. I don't want to "gather" or "explore" or anything. I just want to be. If you've read my recent posts on losing religion, you may have some inkling of why. I have nothing to give, I have no wisdom to share, and I don't feel like traipsing after a group of people regularly, or making the effort to share. I just want to sit a while and not be bothered.
But you try explaining that to folk who ask "how's the small group going? How are the plans coming along? How's your God-time these days?"! Try explaining where you're at, without getting overwhelmed by "I'll pray for you"s...! As OK as I am with where I'm at, it makes other people nervous. Perhaps it should make me nervous too?
So when people ask, I get all defensive and clam up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be told how my choices are damaging my son's spirituality or how I'm completely backslidden. I just want to be left in peace to travel whatever path is ahead of me, wherever it may lead, or not to travel at all until my bus arrives. I don't want to lead out, get involved, or tell how my God-time is going (it basically isn't right now, at least not in the normal sense of the word). I won't be in a pew anytime soon, and no, I'm not planning on coming back to the worship team - whether you need pianists and miss my playing or not.
In future, I think I'd better just keep my mouth shut....
You see, I don't think I will be starting one - at least not in the forseeable future. I'm not in a place where I feel I can. I don't want to "gather" or "explore" or anything. I just want to be. If you've read my recent posts on losing religion, you may have some inkling of why. I have nothing to give, I have no wisdom to share, and I don't feel like traipsing after a group of people regularly, or making the effort to share. I just want to sit a while and not be bothered.
But you try explaining that to folk who ask "how's the small group going? How are the plans coming along? How's your God-time these days?"! Try explaining where you're at, without getting overwhelmed by "I'll pray for you"s...! As OK as I am with where I'm at, it makes other people nervous. Perhaps it should make me nervous too?
So when people ask, I get all defensive and clam up. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be told how my choices are damaging my son's spirituality or how I'm completely backslidden. I just want to be left in peace to travel whatever path is ahead of me, wherever it may lead, or not to travel at all until my bus arrives. I don't want to lead out, get involved, or tell how my God-time is going (it basically isn't right now, at least not in the normal sense of the word). I won't be in a pew anytime soon, and no, I'm not planning on coming back to the worship team - whether you need pianists and miss my playing or not.
In future, I think I'd better just keep my mouth shut....
Learning Curve
Yesterday the boss dropped by with that "begging" look on his face that dogs get when you're holding something they want.
You see, he wants me to teach a class this semester! He's short on lecturers, especially ones that know what they're teaching, and this is a web design module of a larger "Computer Applications for Communication" course.
I haven't said yes yet. I want a lot more info on what is required, and what I'll be paid, before I committ myself.
I've never really taught before. I did do an hour-long "lecture" three years running on music and spirituality for the class the pastor was teaching, but that's about it. I'm not trained to teach, and I tend to have a very low tolerance for people who don't "get it" fast enough...! :)
But I think I could do this - it's only 18 hours over 6 weeks, after all. If I do, I'm going to make it very hands-on and practical. Just waiting for the computer guy to tell me what programmes / acces is available on the teaching lab computers, and for the former lecturer to get back to me from the USA on how in-depth he went into the required areas, and then I'll know whether it's a go or not.
You see, he wants me to teach a class this semester! He's short on lecturers, especially ones that know what they're teaching, and this is a web design module of a larger "Computer Applications for Communication" course.
I haven't said yes yet. I want a lot more info on what is required, and what I'll be paid, before I committ myself.
I've never really taught before. I did do an hour-long "lecture" three years running on music and spirituality for the class the pastor was teaching, but that's about it. I'm not trained to teach, and I tend to have a very low tolerance for people who don't "get it" fast enough...! :)
But I think I could do this - it's only 18 hours over 6 weeks, after all. If I do, I'm going to make it very hands-on and practical. Just waiting for the computer guy to tell me what programmes / acces is available on the teaching lab computers, and for the former lecturer to get back to me from the USA on how in-depth he went into the required areas, and then I'll know whether it's a go or not.
Planet Crumbling
These stories picked up from just the past few day's news:
Earth still vibrating after massive quake
Six dead as major storm batters California
Weather claims more lives in Gauteng (South Africa)
Tsunami alters shape of Maldives
Devestating storms batter Europe
Three die during floods in England
Farmers fear worst as drought crisis deepens
Drought forces Cape farmers off their land
Locust swarms a real threat to Africa
Mexican slum evacuated after heavy rains
I wonder how much longer this tired, worn planet can hold out...
Earth still vibrating after massive quake
Six dead as major storm batters California
Weather claims more lives in Gauteng (South Africa)
Tsunami alters shape of Maldives
Devestating storms batter Europe
Three die during floods in England
Farmers fear worst as drought crisis deepens
Drought forces Cape farmers off their land
Locust swarms a real threat to Africa
Mexican slum evacuated after heavy rains
I wonder how much longer this tired, worn planet can hold out...
Speechless
Perhaps you came here looking for some of my thoughts, my usual rambling verbosity? I'm sorry, but my mind is a rippleless blank this particular Monday morning.
Instead, please enjoy this view of my mountain at sunset.
Usual random posting of irrelevant mind-babble will resume soon...
Instead, please enjoy this view of my mountain at sunset.
Usual random posting of irrelevant mind-babble will resume soon...
Shabbat Shalom
On my walk to work and back home, I pass this old oil drum, used now as a dumping place for office trash. But one day someone dumped a fig, and now a small fig tree grows from a split in its base.
Beauty from ashes.
Life from death.
Usefulness from throw-away junk.
There is always hope...
No Resolutions, just a wish list
I'm not one to make new year's resolutions, though now and then I do tend to sit down and write out a "plan" for the year. This usually happens at odd times, and not just once a year.
Going into 2005, there are ideas bouncing around in my head as to what I'd like to do this year. There are some things that I HAVE to do (like lose weight - apparently it's starting to affect my blood pressure...), but there are some others I'd like to do, and some I dream of doing.
So I can get them down "on paper" (I'm a visual person), I'm going to list them here.
1. Learn to play the guitar. Or even better - learn to play the harp. I have no idea why I suddenly want to do this. I did try guitar "unofficially" a few times, but ended up with sore fingertips. I can, however, already play the piano pretty well, so perhaps my musical instincts are seeking an additional outlet. The harp has always been something I've wanted to try - the inside of a piano looks like a harp, so the notes must work similarly, and I'm sure I'd be able to learn it quickly. I'd also like to buy a large marimba and a djembe drum, as my African musical roots need an outlet too.
2. Lose afforementioned weight. Now a matter of health and not just image or expense (having to buy new clothes 'cos you don't fit the old ones).
3. Business plans. At the end of this month I'll be purchasing a web domain for my business and setting up a site. I still need to decide exactly what I'll be offering as products. At the moment there's such a variety of stuff I want to do, that it will be impossible to start with it all. I'm confident this is going to work out well though, and am very positive about the possibilities once it's off the ground.
4. Get going on the woodworking. Also at the end of this month, I'll be purchasing my first woodworking tools - a drill and jigsaw and perhaps orbital sander. I already have some wood I "fossicked" from behind the mall, which I hope to make into a small cupboard for my son's overflowing goodies, or one for the kitchen where I desperately need more storage space. I'd like to experiment with organic shapes and natural textures, and perhaps one day turn this into either a profitable hobby, or just one that fills my home with wonderful hand-made goodies.
5. Make peace with the fact that a spiritual life does not follow a set pattern, and that it's ok to wander a bit.
That's all I have time for now - suddenly I'm rushing around. May add to the list later.
Going into 2005, there are ideas bouncing around in my head as to what I'd like to do this year. There are some things that I HAVE to do (like lose weight - apparently it's starting to affect my blood pressure...), but there are some others I'd like to do, and some I dream of doing.
So I can get them down "on paper" (I'm a visual person), I'm going to list them here.
1. Learn to play the guitar. Or even better - learn to play the harp. I have no idea why I suddenly want to do this. I did try guitar "unofficially" a few times, but ended up with sore fingertips. I can, however, already play the piano pretty well, so perhaps my musical instincts are seeking an additional outlet. The harp has always been something I've wanted to try - the inside of a piano looks like a harp, so the notes must work similarly, and I'm sure I'd be able to learn it quickly. I'd also like to buy a large marimba and a djembe drum, as my African musical roots need an outlet too.
2. Lose afforementioned weight. Now a matter of health and not just image or expense (having to buy new clothes 'cos you don't fit the old ones).
3. Business plans. At the end of this month I'll be purchasing a web domain for my business and setting up a site. I still need to decide exactly what I'll be offering as products. At the moment there's such a variety of stuff I want to do, that it will be impossible to start with it all. I'm confident this is going to work out well though, and am very positive about the possibilities once it's off the ground.
4. Get going on the woodworking. Also at the end of this month, I'll be purchasing my first woodworking tools - a drill and jigsaw and perhaps orbital sander. I already have some wood I "fossicked" from behind the mall, which I hope to make into a small cupboard for my son's overflowing goodies, or one for the kitchen where I desperately need more storage space. I'd like to experiment with organic shapes and natural textures, and perhaps one day turn this into either a profitable hobby, or just one that fills my home with wonderful hand-made goodies.
5. Make peace with the fact that a spiritual life does not follow a set pattern, and that it's ok to wander a bit.
That's all I have time for now - suddenly I'm rushing around. May add to the list later.
Dreaming of a Man
No, I'm not busy falling in love or anything! :) Still happily single, thanks.
BUT...
I while back I blogged on an ex-boyfriend that had turned into a well-known chef. Well, in the many boxes in my garage I found a Bible my parents gave him at his baptism years ago, and which he left amoung our stuff when he still lived with us (after I dated him...long story, but he was like an extra son to the parents). So I set about trying to track him down, with a view to getting it back to him and perhaps saying hi.
Well, I found him upcountry, after a very long search and a few both helpful and unhelpful folk. I have packaged up the Bible and added a letter with news and photos of our family, and it's ready to go.
But the funny thing is, ever since I found out where he was, I've been having these strange dreams. Dreams of us together again, having fun and enjoying each other's company. Usually my son never turns up in my dreams, especially in connection with any guy I dream about, but he's been in these ones. Very, very strange.
And quite scary!
I AM happily single, and have no desire to get back together with this guy, or any other guy for that matter. And yet, he was the last guy I truly loved, but he hurt me so badly when we split that I haven't been able to love wholly since - something he doesn't know a thing about. So my subconcious has probably taken all that info, along with the fact that I know where he is now, and turned it into a strange, recurring dream.
Anyway, whatever I may be dreaming, the package goes off this week, and he may or may not reply to my letter. I've not asked him to, but my contact details are on my home-made letterhead.
So we'll see.
Hopefully sending the package will now put a stop to those dreams!!!
BUT...
I while back I blogged on an ex-boyfriend that had turned into a well-known chef. Well, in the many boxes in my garage I found a Bible my parents gave him at his baptism years ago, and which he left amoung our stuff when he still lived with us (after I dated him...long story, but he was like an extra son to the parents). So I set about trying to track him down, with a view to getting it back to him and perhaps saying hi.
Well, I found him upcountry, after a very long search and a few both helpful and unhelpful folk. I have packaged up the Bible and added a letter with news and photos of our family, and it's ready to go.
But the funny thing is, ever since I found out where he was, I've been having these strange dreams. Dreams of us together again, having fun and enjoying each other's company. Usually my son never turns up in my dreams, especially in connection with any guy I dream about, but he's been in these ones. Very, very strange.
And quite scary!
I AM happily single, and have no desire to get back together with this guy, or any other guy for that matter. And yet, he was the last guy I truly loved, but he hurt me so badly when we split that I haven't been able to love wholly since - something he doesn't know a thing about. So my subconcious has probably taken all that info, along with the fact that I know where he is now, and turned it into a strange, recurring dream.
Anyway, whatever I may be dreaming, the package goes off this week, and he may or may not reply to my letter. I've not asked him to, but my contact details are on my home-made letterhead.
So we'll see.
Hopefully sending the package will now put a stop to those dreams!!!
Newsboys
I think I'm starting to become a Newsboys addict. My parents gave me one of their albums, and it's playing as loud as I dare right now. I love their music!
What I enjoy is that not all their songs sound the same - the one playing right now has hints of that old band ELO (Electric Light Orchestra), while others go off on a gospel chior tangent or the unplugged-type way of doing things. (My parents also gave me a Lincoln Brewster CD, but every single song sounds the same, bar the final one!)
And then there are the lyrics. Great, great stuff. I've had two songs stuck in my head for days, playing "it's all of God's children singing glory glory, hallelujah, he reigns!" and "great is your faithfulness, to carry on with a sinner like me" over and over. Speaks volumes.
Their site has a "Word of the day" feature, and yesterday's is super:
January 5th – He Brought them to the Man
- Jim Laffoon
"He brought them to the man to see what he would name them. And what ever the man named each living creature was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field." (Genesis 2:19b-20a)
Adam what should we call these birds? What about this tawny, four footed creature with spots? How about the big hairy one swinging from the branches? If Adam would have realized the privilege being given him, he would have been speechless. Yet, in the innocence and purity of the garden, walking and working with the God of the universe seemed wholly natural.
Although none of us will ever stand with God in the Garden of Eden and name the creatures of the earth, we too have been given an amazing privilege. Even as God brought creatures into the life of Adam to name them, so he brings humans the crown jewel of His creation into our lives to name and even rename them.
That¹s right, through the message of the Gospel we have the power to rename people: from lost to found; sinner to saint; slave to child. Do you see the glorious power and privilege that you and I have been given? Through the good news of the Gospel, people receive more than a new name. They are birthed into a new family and given a new future.
Do you see it now? Whether you realize or not God is bringing people into your life on a regular basis to see if you will rename them. From the random encounter, to the friend that pours out their heart to you, these may well be divine appointments. Yet, this is more than a great privilege, it is also an awesome responsibility. Paul clearly delineates the awesomeness of our responsibility in Romans 10:14c: "And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?"
That¹s right, if you do not speak to the people God is bringing to you, how will they ever hear? As you take a moment to ponder this great opportunity, let the words of John 20:21b-22a settle into your spirit: "As the Father has sent me, I am sending you. And with that he breathed on them." Can you feel your Master¹s gentle breath? Can you hear his loving voice? He is not only sending people to you; He is sending you.
Real food for thought.
What I enjoy is that not all their songs sound the same - the one playing right now has hints of that old band ELO (Electric Light Orchestra), while others go off on a gospel chior tangent or the unplugged-type way of doing things. (My parents also gave me a Lincoln Brewster CD, but every single song sounds the same, bar the final one!)
And then there are the lyrics. Great, great stuff. I've had two songs stuck in my head for days, playing "it's all of God's children singing glory glory, hallelujah, he reigns!" and "great is your faithfulness, to carry on with a sinner like me" over and over. Speaks volumes.
Their site has a "Word of the day" feature, and yesterday's is super:
January 5th – He Brought them to the Man
- Jim Laffoon
"He brought them to the man to see what he would name them. And what ever the man named each living creature was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field." (Genesis 2:19b-20a)
Adam what should we call these birds? What about this tawny, four footed creature with spots? How about the big hairy one swinging from the branches? If Adam would have realized the privilege being given him, he would have been speechless. Yet, in the innocence and purity of the garden, walking and working with the God of the universe seemed wholly natural.
Although none of us will ever stand with God in the Garden of Eden and name the creatures of the earth, we too have been given an amazing privilege. Even as God brought creatures into the life of Adam to name them, so he brings humans the crown jewel of His creation into our lives to name and even rename them.
That¹s right, through the message of the Gospel we have the power to rename people: from lost to found; sinner to saint; slave to child. Do you see the glorious power and privilege that you and I have been given? Through the good news of the Gospel, people receive more than a new name. They are birthed into a new family and given a new future.
Do you see it now? Whether you realize or not God is bringing people into your life on a regular basis to see if you will rename them. From the random encounter, to the friend that pours out their heart to you, these may well be divine appointments. Yet, this is more than a great privilege, it is also an awesome responsibility. Paul clearly delineates the awesomeness of our responsibility in Romans 10:14c: "And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?"
That¹s right, if you do not speak to the people God is bringing to you, how will they ever hear? As you take a moment to ponder this great opportunity, let the words of John 20:21b-22a settle into your spirit: "As the Father has sent me, I am sending you. And with that he breathed on them." Can you feel your Master¹s gentle breath? Can you hear his loving voice? He is not only sending people to you; He is sending you.
Real food for thought.
Never-ending story
*sigh*
Just received yet ANOTHER letter from the Australian immigration department, who have in hand my migration visa application, and have stuck it in the pool for the next 2 years. (hope it doesn't drown or get overly wrinkled while in there)
Now it seems my assurers do not earn enough money to give assurance of support, and I must "please find another one immediately". Oh joy. All I have are those 2 assurers, being my parents, and if their combined salaries are not enough, then the only thing I could hope for is some sort of extremely wealthy sugar-daddy! Wonder if any sheep barons are interested in a foreign girl? :)
However, Loren is still working at alternatives to get me there, bless his heart. He's a dear old chap who has connections all over the place, and is making the best use of them. I have 70 days from mid-December to appeal the pool process, and he's working at it. On my own I cannot appeal - no real grounds, as I've given them all I can possibly manage.
This is beginning to sound very much like a firmly-shut door. I only wish I knew how firmly shut it was, so I could get on with things here....
Just received yet ANOTHER letter from the Australian immigration department, who have in hand my migration visa application, and have stuck it in the pool for the next 2 years. (hope it doesn't drown or get overly wrinkled while in there)
Now it seems my assurers do not earn enough money to give assurance of support, and I must "please find another one immediately". Oh joy. All I have are those 2 assurers, being my parents, and if their combined salaries are not enough, then the only thing I could hope for is some sort of extremely wealthy sugar-daddy! Wonder if any sheep barons are interested in a foreign girl? :)
However, Loren is still working at alternatives to get me there, bless his heart. He's a dear old chap who has connections all over the place, and is making the best use of them. I have 70 days from mid-December to appeal the pool process, and he's working at it. On my own I cannot appeal - no real grounds, as I've given them all I can possibly manage.
This is beginning to sound very much like a firmly-shut door. I only wish I knew how firmly shut it was, so I could get on with things here....
A Healthier 2005
Not much time today to blog, so it's "copy and paste day", courtesy of IOL's 45 ways to a Healthier 2005. (I've updated this post to just give the link, as it's a long list)
And if that's not enough of a list for you, here's 100 ways to feel better in 2005.
And if that's not enough of a list for you, here's 100 ways to feel better in 2005.
Religion Lost/Found/Still Missing
Further to my recent post on "Losing my Religion". Major long post warning!
I received quite a few comments, from both sides of the fence, and a few from a place where there are no fences too. So, in response, here's where I'm at.
Yes, I can understand that "lone ranger Christianing" is not a good idea, and I know about "coals removed from the fire". Maybe I'm guilty of both, and maybe that's my problem. I've gone so far out that I can't get back. Being that far out panics some who are far in.
(Please note that I'm talking generally in this post, and not pointing out individuals. When I think in these terms, my mind has pictures of people I know here, off-blog, and their reactions. Some of what I'm writing was sparked by comments, some is just plain off-the-top-of-the-head stuff.)
Having been the pastor's kid all my life, attending church "religiously" every week, I can well understand this point of view. You don't want to "lose" people to the outside. It's dangerous out there, full of all kinds of things of the world. Rather stay in here where you'll be safe (and we can keep an eye on you). I know that collectively the regular-church Christians worry about those who disappear from the pews, and in many cases they are seen to have "left the church" (small c), when in fact they're still in the Church (capital C - God's body of believers, across man-made boundaries).
And that's where a part of this struggle comes in. I've spent 32 years within the church walls, and my thinking, my reactions, my beliefs and frame of reference is all caught up with that. I'm still not used to the fact that I can feel different and still be right. That I may not conform to what the church thinks is right, but I may also not be wrong.
Having said that though, there's a part of me that is drawn toward things that are not always seen as Christian - a celebration of seasons, respect for the earth, fascination with the ancient and the unknown, urges to dance in the light of a full moon and build rings of standing stones. An open mind which loves to explore "taboo" subjects like UFOs, apparitions and cryptozoology, and who has just set up her office according to feng shui principles "to see what will happen". Which makes me quite possibly downright pagan in some circles, or at the very least definitely "lost"! :)
Along with that comes an inability to connect to the God of the Christian - the God who everyone warming a pew on a weekend (Saturday or Sunday, your choice) seems to have a "personal relationship" with. The one who brings on tears of ecstasy in a worship service or makes one fall down and writhe, or jump up and down. The one who will smite you if you aren't in your place when the worship team takes the stage each week. Who keeps tabs on the services, meetings and leadership opportunities you miss, and balances them against your expectation of salvation.
See, I don't know that God.
I know the God of the hidden valley and microscopic flower. I know the God of winds and tides, and yes, even tsunami's. I know the God who created a world of colour for our enjoyment and paints the evening sky with splashes of light in hues we could never duplicate. I know the God who watches from afar, yet is near. The God who cares for mites and blue whales - and homeless humans. The God who is found in brush-strokes and sculpture, in the rings of a tree and the sand on the seashore. It's a God that doesn't get much of a sermon mention, unless He's comparing us superior races to lilies, or feeding a crowd, or being a Shepherd. Even then, it's all for our benefit, us the dominators of creation.
I know of Jesus. I believe He was God-man and died to save all who would believe in who He is. And I do believe, but there's that missing "personal relationship" thing. I find it hard to get close to someone I can neither see nor hear - perhaps I live too literally. I know when this world ends (whichever version you hold to) He'll be back, and we'll live forever and ever with Him, the 3-in-one God.
My Christian upbringing says I don't know enough of God to want to be with Him forever, or He with me, and I'd probably be better off without. My supposedly non-Christian current brainspace says I'll sure enjoy the New Earth with all it's wonderful natural existence and exploration of the things we don't know now. And it also says eternity is a good, long time to get to know One not well known right now. Heretic, me. Gotta get there first of course, and I'm definitely not being good enough at the moment to be sky-lifted when the earth ends.
In fact, my head is full of weird heretical thoughts that no Christian would dare tolerate, especially not a large group of collective Christians. Stepping out has given me a new perspective on a lot of things you wouldn't see if you stayed where you were. And I can't express many of them, or you'd probably be bombarded with them, to the detriment of blogland....!
I find myself unable to attend a church. If I did it would likely be a different one each time the urge struck. A drifter, a "homeless" wanderer with some pretty strange beliefs - that would be me.
And then the Christian upbringing kicks in again - what about your kid? See, I don't have anything to teach him right now. If I can hardly figure it out myself, what can I tell him? Can I honestly drag him off to a service he won't listen to (he takes things to "keep him busy") in the hope that he'll pick up what I can't teach him? No, I can't. It would do both of us more damage than good at this time. We talk of God now and then, and sometimes (most times) he's the one teaching me. I may not need to worry after all - but that doesn't stop his friend's parents from telling me "you're doing your son damage by your choices". Doesn't help living in a one-religion community, when one doesn't fit in that well....
Yes, I read my Bible each night - it's a habit - but I'm casting around the pages right now, the only thing going in being a well-aimed Proverb ("a little rest, a little folding of the hands, and poverty will come on you quickly" - so I guess I can't use afternoon naps as an excuse not to get going on things I should be doing if I want this year to be a success). I've tried praying - and the words seem to bounce around my skull without going anywhere. However, they're more "real" than they were - I find myself talking out frustrations and acknowledging I'm the lowest of the low. So perhaps that's progress. Except that I usually fall asleep without ever getting to the "amen" part.
I shocked a relative over Christmas by saying I don't consider myself a denomination right now - oh, the heresy! I shock myself sometimes when I wonder if I'm even a Christian, or if I should call myself a pagan-Christian-Celtic-something. I KNOW I'm not a "normal" Christian, but then again I'm not alone in that. One has only to peruse the blogs to realize what variety there is out there. Some I may have felt uncomfortable with while still pew-sitting I now find myself relating to - and wonder how many find ME uncomfortable now.... how many would dare say so to my face, or would rather just think it.
I guess I have lost my religion - the one that is "supposed to" be, the one I'm expected to have as a Christian. I feel like my experience and my current beliefs have set me apart from basically everyone as strange and unnatural, as not normal.
And it's hard being different. Ask any kid on the playground who is shunned at breaktime. Ask anyone who has chosen a Harley and open road over a steady job. Ask any woman trying to lead in a man's world.
Perhaps, as many of you have said, losing my religion is a good thing. Perhaps it's a waiting period, a dark night, a "be still and wait" time. Perhaps I'm slowly descending that wide road to hell, or it could be that I've found the twisting narrow path that is headed upwards instead - but one that is just meant for me, apart from the other pilgrims.
All I know is, I'm not the girl I was a year ago, or even a few months ago. I've lost what I had then. And whether that's a good or a bad thing remains to be seen.
I received quite a few comments, from both sides of the fence, and a few from a place where there are no fences too. So, in response, here's where I'm at.
Yes, I can understand that "lone ranger Christianing" is not a good idea, and I know about "coals removed from the fire". Maybe I'm guilty of both, and maybe that's my problem. I've gone so far out that I can't get back. Being that far out panics some who are far in.
(Please note that I'm talking generally in this post, and not pointing out individuals. When I think in these terms, my mind has pictures of people I know here, off-blog, and their reactions. Some of what I'm writing was sparked by comments, some is just plain off-the-top-of-the-head stuff.)
Having been the pastor's kid all my life, attending church "religiously" every week, I can well understand this point of view. You don't want to "lose" people to the outside. It's dangerous out there, full of all kinds of things of the world. Rather stay in here where you'll be safe (and we can keep an eye on you). I know that collectively the regular-church Christians worry about those who disappear from the pews, and in many cases they are seen to have "left the church" (small c), when in fact they're still in the Church (capital C - God's body of believers, across man-made boundaries).
And that's where a part of this struggle comes in. I've spent 32 years within the church walls, and my thinking, my reactions, my beliefs and frame of reference is all caught up with that. I'm still not used to the fact that I can feel different and still be right. That I may not conform to what the church thinks is right, but I may also not be wrong.
Having said that though, there's a part of me that is drawn toward things that are not always seen as Christian - a celebration of seasons, respect for the earth, fascination with the ancient and the unknown, urges to dance in the light of a full moon and build rings of standing stones. An open mind which loves to explore "taboo" subjects like UFOs, apparitions and cryptozoology, and who has just set up her office according to feng shui principles "to see what will happen". Which makes me quite possibly downright pagan in some circles, or at the very least definitely "lost"! :)
Along with that comes an inability to connect to the God of the Christian - the God who everyone warming a pew on a weekend (Saturday or Sunday, your choice) seems to have a "personal relationship" with. The one who brings on tears of ecstasy in a worship service or makes one fall down and writhe, or jump up and down. The one who will smite you if you aren't in your place when the worship team takes the stage each week. Who keeps tabs on the services, meetings and leadership opportunities you miss, and balances them against your expectation of salvation.
See, I don't know that God.
I know the God of the hidden valley and microscopic flower. I know the God of winds and tides, and yes, even tsunami's. I know the God who created a world of colour for our enjoyment and paints the evening sky with splashes of light in hues we could never duplicate. I know the God who watches from afar, yet is near. The God who cares for mites and blue whales - and homeless humans. The God who is found in brush-strokes and sculpture, in the rings of a tree and the sand on the seashore. It's a God that doesn't get much of a sermon mention, unless He's comparing us superior races to lilies, or feeding a crowd, or being a Shepherd. Even then, it's all for our benefit, us the dominators of creation.
I know of Jesus. I believe He was God-man and died to save all who would believe in who He is. And I do believe, but there's that missing "personal relationship" thing. I find it hard to get close to someone I can neither see nor hear - perhaps I live too literally. I know when this world ends (whichever version you hold to) He'll be back, and we'll live forever and ever with Him, the 3-in-one God.
My Christian upbringing says I don't know enough of God to want to be with Him forever, or He with me, and I'd probably be better off without. My supposedly non-Christian current brainspace says I'll sure enjoy the New Earth with all it's wonderful natural existence and exploration of the things we don't know now. And it also says eternity is a good, long time to get to know One not well known right now. Heretic, me. Gotta get there first of course, and I'm definitely not being good enough at the moment to be sky-lifted when the earth ends.
In fact, my head is full of weird heretical thoughts that no Christian would dare tolerate, especially not a large group of collective Christians. Stepping out has given me a new perspective on a lot of things you wouldn't see if you stayed where you were. And I can't express many of them, or you'd probably be bombarded with them, to the detriment of blogland....!
I find myself unable to attend a church. If I did it would likely be a different one each time the urge struck. A drifter, a "homeless" wanderer with some pretty strange beliefs - that would be me.
And then the Christian upbringing kicks in again - what about your kid? See, I don't have anything to teach him right now. If I can hardly figure it out myself, what can I tell him? Can I honestly drag him off to a service he won't listen to (he takes things to "keep him busy") in the hope that he'll pick up what I can't teach him? No, I can't. It would do both of us more damage than good at this time. We talk of God now and then, and sometimes (most times) he's the one teaching me. I may not need to worry after all - but that doesn't stop his friend's parents from telling me "you're doing your son damage by your choices". Doesn't help living in a one-religion community, when one doesn't fit in that well....
Yes, I read my Bible each night - it's a habit - but I'm casting around the pages right now, the only thing going in being a well-aimed Proverb ("a little rest, a little folding of the hands, and poverty will come on you quickly" - so I guess I can't use afternoon naps as an excuse not to get going on things I should be doing if I want this year to be a success). I've tried praying - and the words seem to bounce around my skull without going anywhere. However, they're more "real" than they were - I find myself talking out frustrations and acknowledging I'm the lowest of the low. So perhaps that's progress. Except that I usually fall asleep without ever getting to the "amen" part.
I shocked a relative over Christmas by saying I don't consider myself a denomination right now - oh, the heresy! I shock myself sometimes when I wonder if I'm even a Christian, or if I should call myself a pagan-Christian-Celtic-something. I KNOW I'm not a "normal" Christian, but then again I'm not alone in that. One has only to peruse the blogs to realize what variety there is out there. Some I may have felt uncomfortable with while still pew-sitting I now find myself relating to - and wonder how many find ME uncomfortable now.... how many would dare say so to my face, or would rather just think it.
I guess I have lost my religion - the one that is "supposed to" be, the one I'm expected to have as a Christian. I feel like my experience and my current beliefs have set me apart from basically everyone as strange and unnatural, as not normal.
And it's hard being different. Ask any kid on the playground who is shunned at breaktime. Ask anyone who has chosen a Harley and open road over a steady job. Ask any woman trying to lead in a man's world.
Perhaps, as many of you have said, losing my religion is a good thing. Perhaps it's a waiting period, a dark night, a "be still and wait" time. Perhaps I'm slowly descending that wide road to hell, or it could be that I've found the twisting narrow path that is headed upwards instead - but one that is just meant for me, apart from the other pilgrims.
All I know is, I'm not the girl I was a year ago, or even a few months ago. I've lost what I had then. And whether that's a good or a bad thing remains to be seen.
Observation
One is more likely to get really hungry sitting at work where there's no food around, when one knows that there is a large stock of fruitcake and home-made fudge sitting at home....
Post-spending post (mail)
It's started - all those lovely little envelopes, offering cash loans and financial plans, aimed at the over-spenders and deep-debters left after the Christmas season.
Fortunately I am not one of them. And also fortunately, I'm intelligent enough to know that borrowing MORE money is not exactly going to solve any financial difficulties you're currently in.
Also fortunately, I've been planning ahead to make sure I can cover my son's school fee payments in advance, as much as possible. Which leaves me cash in the bank (at least in one account) and enough for any emergencies that may arise. And eliminates the monthly exorbitant fee that's crippled us in 2004.
And even MORE fortunately, I hold signing power on my dad's account here, which is pretty well-stocked at the moment... :) But I will not be delving into that at all.
I mentioned in a previous post how this year started out feeling more hopeful than normal. That includes the financial aspects of the upcoming year. I feel that this is the year where we'll finally get back on our feet after a few very, very heavy blows in the past. The year where we can start living, instead of just surviving. Where we can save a bit, have a social life, even travel now and then (day-trips, not months away).
To actually happen it will have to start with a bit of sacrifice, but I'm not new to that. It will involve some planning and goal-setting, and no more random spending of cash in the wallet (something I'm rather prone to do if I don't watch myself). I'll be selling off a garage-full of things we don't use, or giving stuff away - decluttering the life, so to speak. The car is sorted out, the house lacks for nothing. We're going to do well this year, I can feel it. More so if that business of mine takes off.
So you can stop sending me those little offers of extra cash now, thanks.
Fortunately I am not one of them. And also fortunately, I'm intelligent enough to know that borrowing MORE money is not exactly going to solve any financial difficulties you're currently in.
Also fortunately, I've been planning ahead to make sure I can cover my son's school fee payments in advance, as much as possible. Which leaves me cash in the bank (at least in one account) and enough for any emergencies that may arise. And eliminates the monthly exorbitant fee that's crippled us in 2004.
And even MORE fortunately, I hold signing power on my dad's account here, which is pretty well-stocked at the moment... :) But I will not be delving into that at all.
I mentioned in a previous post how this year started out feeling more hopeful than normal. That includes the financial aspects of the upcoming year. I feel that this is the year where we'll finally get back on our feet after a few very, very heavy blows in the past. The year where we can start living, instead of just surviving. Where we can save a bit, have a social life, even travel now and then (day-trips, not months away).
To actually happen it will have to start with a bit of sacrifice, but I'm not new to that. It will involve some planning and goal-setting, and no more random spending of cash in the wallet (something I'm rather prone to do if I don't watch myself). I'll be selling off a garage-full of things we don't use, or giving stuff away - decluttering the life, so to speak. The car is sorted out, the house lacks for nothing. We're going to do well this year, I can feel it. More so if that business of mine takes off.
So you can stop sending me those little offers of extra cash now, thanks.
Better late than Never!
Oh, it's a good day - my copy of the Soulsisters guide to a VERY merry Christmas has just arrived! BIG thanks to Jen and Patience for sending it way across the sea.
Yeah, Christmas is over - and it was a hot one in the southern hemisphere. But I'm thinking mid-year, mid-winter extra Christmas celebration, and will definitely approach it with guide in hand.
This is one awesome little zine!
Yeah, Christmas is over - and it was a hot one in the southern hemisphere. But I'm thinking mid-year, mid-winter extra Christmas celebration, and will definitely approach it with guide in hand.
This is one awesome little zine!
Everything Except the Website
Sometimes my parents worry me - no, make that scare the heck out of me!
Ever since they moved to Australia, mom's been telling me things like "I met the nicest young man at church today - he lives on Sydney harbour, is a firefighter, and drives a yellow convertible" - and she's not admiring him for HER sake....
I keep getting photos of random blokes they know, in my age range, or descriptions of "fresh talent". One of the recent ones fortunately remarried a few month ago - hope mom crossed him off her little list.
On Christmas day they had a number of young folk over for lunch, those who were without families. A couple, a young lady, and three 30-something single blokes. They promptly started passing my photo around - not just my parents, but the couple and the single lady too!!!! And dad says that after this, every time he mentioned me in some or other context, the three guys would look at each other and smile.
AAARRGGGGGHHHH!
Starting to think moving to Australia is not going to be a good idea. They've advertised me so widely to "nice young men" that I'm not going to be safe anywhere! And it's only for lack of tech know-how that they haven't yet set up a website...
Ever since they moved to Australia, mom's been telling me things like "I met the nicest young man at church today - he lives on Sydney harbour, is a firefighter, and drives a yellow convertible" - and she's not admiring him for HER sake....
I keep getting photos of random blokes they know, in my age range, or descriptions of "fresh talent". One of the recent ones fortunately remarried a few month ago - hope mom crossed him off her little list.
On Christmas day they had a number of young folk over for lunch, those who were without families. A couple, a young lady, and three 30-something single blokes. They promptly started passing my photo around - not just my parents, but the couple and the single lady too!!!! And dad says that after this, every time he mentioned me in some or other context, the three guys would look at each other and smile.
AAARRGGGGGHHHH!
Starting to think moving to Australia is not going to be a good idea. They've advertised me so widely to "nice young men" that I'm not going to be safe anywhere! And it's only for lack of tech know-how that they haven't yet set up a website...
Time Flies
Strange what a powerful enough earthquake can do to this pebble in space we call home. A US scientist has been doing some micro-measurements, and it seems we're not only tilted 2,5cm more than usual over on our axis, but the days are now 3 microseconds shorter. (He also metions the tectonic plates have been pushed over each other - what will happen if they slip off each other again???)
So if it feels like time is flying this year - it's because it probably is!
And we lumber onwards, rolling through infinity on our huge clump of rock and water and fire, clinging like flies to the surface...
So if it feels like time is flying this year - it's because it probably is!
And we lumber onwards, rolling through infinity on our huge clump of rock and water and fire, clinging like flies to the surface...
Churches and Bells and Carols and Stories
It's been months since I entered a church building. The last time was when my parents were visiting, and I "did church" more in those few weeks than I had since June!
Until Christmas, that is.
Late, late, after all the Christmas eve food was consumed, after the presents had emerged from beneath a too-small tree and the wrapping had been tossed aside, after baby Ethan was spirited quietly to a car and the spare mattress was set up, the house quietened as we headed to our beds. Too hot, windows and doors and blinds left open in the hope of some cool breeze.
And as we pulled up the covers, the bell started. I'd forgotten about St Mary's Catholic Church just a few blocks away. As the sound tolls out across a quieting city, I have this sudden urge to get up and go to church. I've never been to church at midnight. I've never been to a Catholic church. And suddenly I want to go. But the bell's tolling ends and it's too late to find my clothes, sneak downstairs, find the church.
Next morning I hear I'm not the only one that had a sudden urge to go to church when the bell rang - my brother and sis-in-law nearly did too!
But instead we head off to an unknown church, following pencilled directions from sis-in-law's client. It's a converted loft under a curved roof, and seats not more than 50. A removeable banner on the fence outside proclaims "Christian Lifestyle church" and gives contact numbers. We're welcomed by a guy in his early 20's, the pastor. We find our seats and settle in as the band (two guitars, a keyboard, a flute and a djembe drum) play through some songs, practicing and changing as they go. The seats fill up with young and old, hippies and street kids, cool and outcast.
The band strikes up remixed and true-to-antiquity carols and praise songs, the leader tapping out the beat in his bare feet on wooden floorboards, his jeans creating a shiny patch on the floor next to them. And our storyteller enters, giving us a South African rendition of the tale of a small-town girl and boy, who find themselves in the middle of an amazing story that is still told with wonder today.
Church ends with an invitation - "We're always here, but we won't pressure you to be. Come if you want to, and you'll always be welcome."
Unchurched brother and sis-in-law will be back. It's the group they've wanted to find for a long time.
And I, I wonder if in 2005 I should start attending the church I've taken an "indefinite break" from again. I miss the people, and I know I'll be welcomed back with no questions and no judgement. Yet there's still that part of me that doesn't want to be tied down, that wants to run wild and free and find my own voice. That stands outside the holy huddle activity and sees a wider world. That doesn't want to be labelled as a denomination, but rather as a God-child. That is still not quite sure who God is, and would feel beaten down by being in the midst of those who do. That seeks quiet and solitude instead of crowds and noise.
I don't know yet if I'll brave the pews in this year. There are many who think I can't be Christian without it - but I am... Still figuring out that part of this long, winding road through the mountains toward an unknown destination.
And yet, when I hear bells, I almost think I can do it. Almost, but not quite.
Until Christmas, that is.
Late, late, after all the Christmas eve food was consumed, after the presents had emerged from beneath a too-small tree and the wrapping had been tossed aside, after baby Ethan was spirited quietly to a car and the spare mattress was set up, the house quietened as we headed to our beds. Too hot, windows and doors and blinds left open in the hope of some cool breeze.
And as we pulled up the covers, the bell started. I'd forgotten about St Mary's Catholic Church just a few blocks away. As the sound tolls out across a quieting city, I have this sudden urge to get up and go to church. I've never been to church at midnight. I've never been to a Catholic church. And suddenly I want to go. But the bell's tolling ends and it's too late to find my clothes, sneak downstairs, find the church.
Next morning I hear I'm not the only one that had a sudden urge to go to church when the bell rang - my brother and sis-in-law nearly did too!
But instead we head off to an unknown church, following pencilled directions from sis-in-law's client. It's a converted loft under a curved roof, and seats not more than 50. A removeable banner on the fence outside proclaims "Christian Lifestyle church" and gives contact numbers. We're welcomed by a guy in his early 20's, the pastor. We find our seats and settle in as the band (two guitars, a keyboard, a flute and a djembe drum) play through some songs, practicing and changing as they go. The seats fill up with young and old, hippies and street kids, cool and outcast.
The band strikes up remixed and true-to-antiquity carols and praise songs, the leader tapping out the beat in his bare feet on wooden floorboards, his jeans creating a shiny patch on the floor next to them. And our storyteller enters, giving us a South African rendition of the tale of a small-town girl and boy, who find themselves in the middle of an amazing story that is still told with wonder today.
Church ends with an invitation - "We're always here, but we won't pressure you to be. Come if you want to, and you'll always be welcome."
Unchurched brother and sis-in-law will be back. It's the group they've wanted to find for a long time.
And I, I wonder if in 2005 I should start attending the church I've taken an "indefinite break" from again. I miss the people, and I know I'll be welcomed back with no questions and no judgement. Yet there's still that part of me that doesn't want to be tied down, that wants to run wild and free and find my own voice. That stands outside the holy huddle activity and sees a wider world. That doesn't want to be labelled as a denomination, but rather as a God-child. That is still not quite sure who God is, and would feel beaten down by being in the midst of those who do. That seeks quiet and solitude instead of crowds and noise.
I don't know yet if I'll brave the pews in this year. There are many who think I can't be Christian without it - but I am... Still figuring out that part of this long, winding road through the mountains toward an unknown destination.
And yet, when I hear bells, I almost think I can do it. Almost, but not quite.
"Almost" believe
This could be the last year he "almost" believes...
He's 11 now, and well aware that mom and other people buy, wrap and place the presents under the tree. And yet.... what about that Christmas stocking that so mysteriously fills with goodies overnight?
This Christmas eve was spent sleeping over at his uncle's house. We took the stocking with us, and left a note for Santa that we were in Cape Town. Neither of us were used to sleeping in a home that fronts a busy street, where security firms and late-night revellers race up and down all night. We were not used to the bright lights and regular police sirens. We didn't get much sleep.
In fact, my son was convinced he was awake the entire night.
And yet, he says, he never saw Santa drop off a filled stocking of goodies right beside his head during the night. He didn't hear a thing (I sneak well!) nor see Santa drop by.
He is almost convinced Santa still makes his rounds. But later said "it's funny how Santa dropped off all the stuff I showed you in the toy shop". Gears turning in that bright mind. Perhaps the "Santa was probably making notes" excuse covered it.
And yet....
This could be the last year he "almost" believes.
He's 11 now, and well aware that mom and other people buy, wrap and place the presents under the tree. And yet.... what about that Christmas stocking that so mysteriously fills with goodies overnight?
This Christmas eve was spent sleeping over at his uncle's house. We took the stocking with us, and left a note for Santa that we were in Cape Town. Neither of us were used to sleeping in a home that fronts a busy street, where security firms and late-night revellers race up and down all night. We were not used to the bright lights and regular police sirens. We didn't get much sleep.
In fact, my son was convinced he was awake the entire night.
And yet, he says, he never saw Santa drop off a filled stocking of goodies right beside his head during the night. He didn't hear a thing (I sneak well!) nor see Santa drop by.
He is almost convinced Santa still makes his rounds. But later said "it's funny how Santa dropped off all the stuff I showed you in the toy shop". Gears turning in that bright mind. Perhaps the "Santa was probably making notes" excuse covered it.
And yet....
This could be the last year he "almost" believes.
Strange Phenomena
Red clouds and phantom dogs. Yes, you read right. We've had some weird things happen since the year turned.
Twice this weekend my son and I have felt a dog jump up on the bed behind us while watching TV, but there's no dog there. Now of course it could be the springs of our 1984-model bed acting up, or just our imaginations. Aah, maybe it's the ghost of my lapdog Spinney, who died on 1 August. She was a total comfort-monger, always up on the bed or in a lap if she could get away with it. It's just really strange to feel that familiar "jump, 3 steps", and look or reach around - yet nothing's there!
On Saturday afternoon we were lying on the self-same bed, watching clouds go past the big window (a good excuse to be horizontal, and perhaps have a short nap when no-one's looking). Suddenly there was a series of completely red clouds - like you'd find at late sunset - only this was 2 in the afternoon! All the other clouds were white or grey, yet these were red, and dark pink. We have no clue why. They lasted about an hour before plain white ones started coming by again. It may have been leftover fireworks smoke from the previous night, only the gale-force wind was carrying them from inland where no fireworks had happened. We tried to get a photo of them, but the colour didn't come out as we saw it.
It's been a pretty strange year so far!
Weirdest thing in 2004? Well, we were driving home late one night from a church music practice, and in the middle of the suburbs something large and pitch-black ran across the road in front of us. It looked like a panther or puma, long and lean and about knee-high, complete with that little "hair knob" on the end of the tail that cat types often have. Both of us saw it - it wasn't a figment of my imagination. But when we spoke to a local nature reserve guy later he looked at us like we were nuts. There used to be leopards here about 100 years ago, but they've long since died out. No other similar beasts exist here. And yet, one of our campus residents is convinced there's a big cat around. He's seen the tracks... There are a number of green strips, places held wild, among the suburbs. They border a mountain range and uninhabited regions. Who knows what's living in them!
Twice this weekend my son and I have felt a dog jump up on the bed behind us while watching TV, but there's no dog there. Now of course it could be the springs of our 1984-model bed acting up, or just our imaginations. Aah, maybe it's the ghost of my lapdog Spinney, who died on 1 August. She was a total comfort-monger, always up on the bed or in a lap if she could get away with it. It's just really strange to feel that familiar "jump, 3 steps", and look or reach around - yet nothing's there!
On Saturday afternoon we were lying on the self-same bed, watching clouds go past the big window (a good excuse to be horizontal, and perhaps have a short nap when no-one's looking). Suddenly there was a series of completely red clouds - like you'd find at late sunset - only this was 2 in the afternoon! All the other clouds were white or grey, yet these were red, and dark pink. We have no clue why. They lasted about an hour before plain white ones started coming by again. It may have been leftover fireworks smoke from the previous night, only the gale-force wind was carrying them from inland where no fireworks had happened. We tried to get a photo of them, but the colour didn't come out as we saw it.
It's been a pretty strange year so far!
Weirdest thing in 2004? Well, we were driving home late one night from a church music practice, and in the middle of the suburbs something large and pitch-black ran across the road in front of us. It looked like a panther or puma, long and lean and about knee-high, complete with that little "hair knob" on the end of the tail that cat types often have. Both of us saw it - it wasn't a figment of my imagination. But when we spoke to a local nature reserve guy later he looked at us like we were nuts. There used to be leopards here about 100 years ago, but they've long since died out. No other similar beasts exist here. And yet, one of our campus residents is convinced there's a big cat around. He's seen the tracks... There are a number of green strips, places held wild, among the suburbs. They border a mountain range and uninhabited regions. Who knows what's living in them!
Working 8 to 5....
Yeah, I know it's supposed to be "9 to 5" according to that old song, but hey - I can't help my office hours! :)
So, it's a new year and I'm back at work - and back at the blog. Expect posting to pick up considerably. If I can only come up with something to say that's worth throwing out into cyberspace.
I've started this year feeling more hope than I have in a while. Hope for positive change and big, good things happening in my life. This is the year when I may finally get it together and stop living a "pity me" life. The year when I get back my friends and make a success of my own business. The year when I will either stay permanently in South Africa or move permanently to Australia - no more living in limbo.
Much of this hope seeped in over Christmas. Although it didn't "feel" like Christmas somehow, I did spend a lot of time with my family and their in-laws. I handed out a lot of home-made gifts, and in return got a "this is awesome" response to what I gave - all of which are potential products for my little business idea. It kinda made me think things could work out.... And yet there still seems a huge chasm between where I'm at and where I need to be for success. I'm having trouble figuring out just exactly what I want to do with the business, and how to take those first huge steps in getting my name and my products out there. The fearful child in me wants to run away from the challenge and hide - the go-getter in me says "now's your chance!".
More hope came while we connected as siblings over a Christmas eve meal. We had an awesome time, and have all agreed that this needs to be a new tradition for us. I've realized I'm not as alone as I sometimes feel.
There are issues I face in this new year, though. Life is never smooth sailing.
Things like not being able to fit into my work clothes after the holiday (I wore stretchy stuff like shorts and tracksuit pants all the time, so didn't notice I've put on a kilo or two - and it's not more than that, but enough to make my clothes feel too small).
Things like not knowing where the heck my spiritual life is going. A few weeks ago I was losing my religion - now I think I may have lost it entirely. More on that in a later post, along with response to the many comments I received...
Things like a child who is starting to push the boundaries, and who is stubbornly refusing to eat properly, get exercise or obey the simplest instructions. Lord, preserve us!
Things like a need for serenity, stillness and calm in my life - though I did start the new year with a clutter-free bedroom, which is simply marvellous! Now there's the rest of the house to tackle.
Yes, there's hope. Yes, there's a feeling of positive new beginnings, and a road heading in the right direction. I'm trusting that these will be strong enough to sustain me as the year unfolds.
Many blessings to each of you for 2005!
So, it's a new year and I'm back at work - and back at the blog. Expect posting to pick up considerably. If I can only come up with something to say that's worth throwing out into cyberspace.
I've started this year feeling more hope than I have in a while. Hope for positive change and big, good things happening in my life. This is the year when I may finally get it together and stop living a "pity me" life. The year when I get back my friends and make a success of my own business. The year when I will either stay permanently in South Africa or move permanently to Australia - no more living in limbo.
Much of this hope seeped in over Christmas. Although it didn't "feel" like Christmas somehow, I did spend a lot of time with my family and their in-laws. I handed out a lot of home-made gifts, and in return got a "this is awesome" response to what I gave - all of which are potential products for my little business idea. It kinda made me think things could work out.... And yet there still seems a huge chasm between where I'm at and where I need to be for success. I'm having trouble figuring out just exactly what I want to do with the business, and how to take those first huge steps in getting my name and my products out there. The fearful child in me wants to run away from the challenge and hide - the go-getter in me says "now's your chance!".
More hope came while we connected as siblings over a Christmas eve meal. We had an awesome time, and have all agreed that this needs to be a new tradition for us. I've realized I'm not as alone as I sometimes feel.
There are issues I face in this new year, though. Life is never smooth sailing.
Things like not being able to fit into my work clothes after the holiday (I wore stretchy stuff like shorts and tracksuit pants all the time, so didn't notice I've put on a kilo or two - and it's not more than that, but enough to make my clothes feel too small).
Things like not knowing where the heck my spiritual life is going. A few weeks ago I was losing my religion - now I think I may have lost it entirely. More on that in a later post, along with response to the many comments I received...
Things like a child who is starting to push the boundaries, and who is stubbornly refusing to eat properly, get exercise or obey the simplest instructions. Lord, preserve us!
Things like a need for serenity, stillness and calm in my life - though I did start the new year with a clutter-free bedroom, which is simply marvellous! Now there's the rest of the house to tackle.
Yes, there's hope. Yes, there's a feeling of positive new beginnings, and a road heading in the right direction. I'm trusting that these will be strong enough to sustain me as the year unfolds.
Many blessings to each of you for 2005!
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