Restless Heart

You know how you're not supposed to blog when your sick / drunk / upset / out of your mind? Then I probably shouldn't be blogging - both still a bit sick, and slightly out of my mind... :-) Add in a days-sore back and I shouldn't be let near a computer.

Really, it's not that bad. It's just that tonight my soul's on edge. I don't even know what set it off, whether it was a long, tiring day, a check-in on a piece of music that always gets to me, or just way too much thinking.

Yes, I'm generally happy and content - still dreaming big and imagining things others think I'm crazy to reach for. Yet on nights like this my heart is restless. Perhaps it's when reality strikes and all those things I want seem just out of my reach.

Sometimes I get glimpses of the way I'd like things to be. Dreams my feet itch to follow and feelings that come tied to a place, a time or a way of being. Mere milliseconds of thought, yet they stick in my veins and slow down the steady pumping of my heart until I feel completely trapped. It's silly - I know that some things take time, that other things I may never reach but can only try. I know I'm heading in the right direction too. All these are certainties. Yet now and then I feel like I'm swimming in syrup, and not getting any closer to what I desire. It's a battle that seems more lost than won, with odds stacked so far against me that I don't know how I keep up the hope that I can win.

And it's on nights like this that I shouldn't be blogging. I should simply get up from in front of this glowing screen that sucks my thoughts out into written form, and go wash those dishes.

Yup, I think I'd better.

::update::
Of course, hot on the heels of any discouragement comes wisdom via email:

You don't have to buy from anyone.
You don't have to work at any particular job.
You don't have to participate in any given relationship.
You can choose.

You steer the course you choose in the direction
of where you want to be today, tomorrow,
or in a distant time to come.
You hold the tiller.

You can decide to alter the course of your life at any time.
No one can ever take that away from you.
You can decide what you want and go after it.
It's always your next move.
- THE DAILY GURU

All-Time Favourite

Can you guess what my all-time favourite song or piece of music is? No? It's THIS one (God bless YouTube! :-) I've searched for it for years!)



But do you think I could ever get it right on the piano? Noo.... However, if someone has the sheet music (or a copy on CD) to share, I'd be eternally grateful! :-)

Amadeus - The Saga Continues...

On our way back from Cape Town on Saturday, we stopped in at Spier to check up on that baby barn owl we saved from certain death. He's growing like a weed! He's been put in the same box as the older bird (who is 6 weeks older than him) that I saw when I dropped him off. Older Bird is very protective over the baby, and grooms him and protects him from anything that comes near.

So, like any good parent, I took LOADS of pics. And here are a few. Although he's by no means pretty yet, he's a whole lot better-looking than he was. Wing feathers started to grow in a few days ago!

Viral Marketing

The marketing gurus have been saying it for a while now. If you want to sell your product, you need customer evangelists - people so passionate about what you're offering, that they do the selling for you. Word-of-mouth, recommendations, enthusiasm and loyalty - with no more effort on your part than a brilliant product, fantastic customer service and a willingness to interact.

I'm listening to customer evangelism happening right now in the next room.

There's a new PC game due out, Spore. It's due out next year in August - not this year. Yet already there is a huge fan base. Head over to YouTube, type in "spore" and you'll get 529 clips available (and growing!) - not talking clips made by people about it, but actual clips showing the game - to watch. Clips of what, you ask? The guy who created it (Will Wright), who is passionate about it, showing how it works to an audience. Robin Williams messing around with it. Glitches and "oops, what happened there!" along with the tricks and tweaks of showing how it functions. Much humour thrown in, personal experience, hands-on demo's. All on YouTube.

That's not all. There's the Spore Forums. The first forum the kid has ever joined up with and interacted on. He's developed his own ID, password, online personality - all without my help or input. He's dived in to adding "eggs" to his signature, which hatch into surprise creatures after a set time. And all of the users are constantly talking Spore.

Thanks to all the info available, they know how it works, how to run it, and can't wait to get their itching fingers on it.

There's screenshots and mini-movies online. The local internet cafe had a preview demo running.

I admit it's a brilliant game. It allows you to create whatever fantastical creatures you wish, animates them perfectly, then gets you sending them out on missions to different worlds. I've just watched one interaction (demo) with "aliens" who weren't the friendliest - so the controller nuked their planet.. :-) Yeah, not the most peaceful of games, but one that seemingly has no end. As you play, it develops and grows. Something more games should be doing.

But back to the marketing.

The game is a YEAR away from release, and already they've secured customers who are saving up their allowances and upgrading their graphics cards in anticipation!

Heck... it's even got a potential customer's mother blogging about it :-)

Now imagine if you took your product to YouTube, gave it to people to play with and post videos of what they've discovered - good and bad. Took their feedback and tweaked it to perfection before you even released it to the masses. Gave it to a few folk to try and spread the word. Encouraged them to set up fan forums and discussion boards, handed it to the bloggers, and let them do whatever version of show-and-tell they needed to - simply standing back and allowing the word to spread. By the time you made it available, you'd have a ready-made loyal base of people eager to get their hands on what you're selling.

That is viral marketing. It's brilliant, and it's the future of sales.

Shabbat Shalom

(more blogging later in the day/weekend though... eventually...)

Stocking up

As the sun rose this morning, I sat outside - absorbing the incredible noise of birdsong all around me, the warmth of a new windless day, the feeling of peace and quiet before all the neighbours (and my household) got going for Friday.

I even tried to capture the sounds I heard, the things I saw on my digital camera's video option. But it's simply not the same. It doesn't pick up the lustrous texture of the wydah's long tail feathers, the beat of goose wings in the still morning air, the dive of swallows and swifts or the cautious chirping of a karoo lark. I'm still amazed that after 10 years in one home I continue to see new birds and find new things to experience in the world around me.

That peace and stillness was much needed this morning. It stocked up an inner reserve that gets rapidly depleted when I rush in to work these days. By 9 this morning I already had a headache from noise and stress, and perhaps a little "coming down with something" that I felt while walking yesterday. Colleagues are sitting around chatting and laughing - but I'm running. Fax machine, photocopier, updating website, redoing brochures with the most current info, sorting out individuals and their issues... it's a never-ending circle of to-do lists.

And when all of that strikes, I draw on the inner quiet I've built up during those first few minutes of the day. I take a deep breath, conciously shed the tension that tries to congregate inside me, and mentally drink from the cool dark waters of the pool that feeds my soul. I refocus - not on work, but on the sense of contentment and joy I've felt in recent weeks, remembering and reclaiming the warmth it brings.

If I didn't stock up on peace when it presents itself, I wouldn't cope half as well...

::update::
You know when you have so much to do that you simply grind to a halt and stare at it in disbelief? I've reached that point. Overwhelmed. So for the last hour of my working day I'm going to underwhelm. I've certainly earned it.

Clone

You get days like this - when it would be wonderful to clone yourself into 2 or more copies! Yet it's becoming more of a week of these kind of days, than just a once-off.

Every year around this time my workload increases dramatically. This year it somehow seems worse than normal. Along with the ususal things I'm responsible for, I have a gigantic website re-do urgently needed. For that I have to learn CSS thoroughly - which of course takes time. In the meantime I also have to sort out numerous publications (being one of the only folk here who seem to understand spelling and accuracy...). And then there's the meetings! Most of which have little to do with me, but require an hour or more each shot and my esteemed presence.

I've taken to arriving at work at 7:30, cutting lunch hours in half, and not even thinking about tea-type breaks (pee breaks? only at a pinch.. ;-) ).

Such is the rhythm of my working year. Mid-year it's blank, now the pace picks up immensely. I usually end up rushing into the holiday season, where everyone else is busy winding down.

But right now I'd really like it if I could get a clone, please?

HNT

It's half-nekkid Thursday! A bit chilly for celebrating it the entire day, but here's the pic of the day.

Photoblog

Walk-thinking

I did more than double the distance walking today than I usually do. I've only done this route 6 times (and three times up the mountain slopes) - yet already it's not enough. Once I get going with determination, my body tends to kick in quickly and wants to up the stakes. It's happened already - and I'm pushing the "beyond" a bit more every day. I'm either going to be walking (running..!) a lot longer each day, or I'm going to have to start getting up really early.

Some days you start out walking to cure what ails you - and when you get home, you ain't cured at all. If anything, you may even end up worse off. But that's how some days go.. :-)

It's amazing what you find when you take back roads. I've lived here for years and years, but haven't been down a few roads in the area. Today I found another old Landy, many very cool dogs, and olive thrushes hiding in the undergrowth. I saw lopped-off pines with pigeons perched on high-up stumps. Acacia trees not natural to this area, their trunks coated in fever-forest greenage. I found a square 70's style house in need of a makeover for sale, and across the road a sold one that had been Tuscanized. If I could afford to, I'd buy the old house and give it a face-lift. But I know I will never have the cash for a house of my own - especially not in this area. Which is why my life options have moved on to non-home-ownership. Things I can achieve. Some might be disappointed or frustrated at an inability to have stuff - it's weird, but I'm not.

After the rain the world looks very different. The roads and paths are full of snails and tchongololos. Birds drink surruptitiously from dents in the tar. Silver-sparkle drops hang on every weed and overhead branch. Even if it's just a temporary reverting to winter's drifted rain, nature's been refreshed.

As much as fresh air is good - car fumes are not. Walking after work takes one through rush-hour, along a couple of busy intersections. I may have to replot the route to find a less toxic option.

Why do I keep putting off setting aside a specific time each day to meditate? It's always appealed to me, I've felt the need to spend that silent still time for years - and yet I never seem to get around to it. Perhaps it's the reality of living with dogs and a child, noisy neighbours - there's little quiet space in which to be motionless without distraction. Yet I need to find it. Perhaps in the early hours of the day, perhaps late at night. It may take exiting the immediate environment and distancing myself from the things that draw my attention. Or it may just take a whole lot more concentration to block out the noises around me and be still in spite of them.

Or is walking my moving meditation?

I've come to enjoy this time-out every day after work. I like walking on my own where no-one requires my conversation, or thinks me weird because of how I power-breathe up the hills, or asks me to conform to their pace. It's a time to unwind and detach from whatever may have happened in the day. I know now why my dad used to insist on walking home after preaching at church each week.. :-) And why he still walks and runs every day. There's a rhythm that sets in, cutting out the clutter in your head and draining the tightness from your shoulders.

I could become addicted.

Eid

Following on with the theme of non-Christian holidays (and for the education of many.. :-) ), today is Eid ul-Fitr. Yet another day to celebrate that you might not have thought of! Unless you're Muslim, of course.

Eid marks the end of Ramadan, the end of the fasting month, and is a time of peace and happiness. It occurs on the sighting of the new moon - which I can confirm, thanks to having noticed the mere fingernail of moon at sunset last night.

So what happens on Eid? Well, traditionally an alms of food is gathered by the local mosque for distribution to the needy. Prayers are offered in thanks for peace and brotherhood, fellowship and unity. Prayers for forgiveness and mercy are also said.

Eid is spent in celebration with family and friends, with gift-giving and feasting.

So you're not Muslim? Well how about taking some notes out of the Eid book today and recognizing your blessings, the fact that you are part of the unity of humans on this planet - and as such have more in common with your neighbour than you might have liked to consider..., or perhaps find ways to lessen the suffering of those less fortunate than yourself? While you're at it, spare a prayer for peace, especially in the troubled areas of this world - many of whom will be observing Eid today.

Happy Eid!

Photoblog: Dew

Life Spark

This morning I hauled myself off to the first-thing-in-the-morning devotional that occurs here each day at work. It was quite a lengthy one, which gave me a chance to sit and ponder.

And notice things I normally wouldn't have.

Like the tiny little inchwork type creature on the shoe of the colleague next to me. It was mere millimetres long, hardly distinguishable from the sand grains around it. Moving in circles, head occasionally swaying up as if sniffing the air, then settling on a new course - again in circles (sense of smell/sight must be a bit off).

The colleague noticed it too, and told me it was about to die. I urged him to go stick it on a leaf somewhere instead.

But while watching it I got wondering about the essence of Life (no, I didn't hear much of the devotional talk.. eish! :-) ). Every living thing has it in them, or they'd simply be inanimate objects. But does something so tiny have the same amount of life force as the guy whose shoe it's on? Is there a smaller spark for smaller creatures, while bigger forces fill the rest of us up? Or are we all given Life in equal doses - some simply more easy to snuff out than others because it's housed in a smaller being?

More and more I'm realizing how interconnected the world is - how there is value in everything, and it's all woven together. So when we step on an ant, or cut down a tree that's been rooted into the soil for a hundred years - does a part of us die too?

I don't know - but sometimes I do wonder.

Turning back the clock

Every now and then I like to drop in at AskMen.com and check out what guys are thinking. The site has some fascinating stuff on it, and I have to admit that I've learnt a lot about how men tick, or how they see things, or just plain where their main focus generally lies.

This weekend a random link led to this article, giving an interesting perspective on turning back the clock and staying young. It certainly makes sense....

But if this is equally applicable to women, and your staying young depends on a satisfying and pretty regular sex life ... oh dear, I must be about to die of old age! :-)

Fear/Regret

I don't usually wake up, get up and blog all within minutes of each other, but this morning's an exception.

I woke up with a terrible sense of fear this morning. Throat-constricting, heart-stopping fear. It came at the end of a dream.

I dreamt I had done something that was wrong to a group of people (as far as I can remember it was that I hadn't reported the full amount of production from milking cows... but that's beside the point). It was a minor offence, one I didn't even know I could be guilty of. But I had been sentanced to die, within the hour.

It was to happen on-stage in a small hall, with observers - a bit like a church meeting, I think they were even singing hyms to kick off the gathering.... I was to be tied up, bound hands to ankles - and decapitated! My dad was there - resignedly supporting the execution because there was no way of fighting it - and leading the singing.

As they were preparing my execution, do you know what I was doing? I was copy-pasting the text of my sentance to my blogs to let all of you know why I'd disappeared. I was emailing key people to tell them goodbye and that I loved them. I was contacting friends who would be able to spread the word to other friends. I was panicking over saying the things I should always have said - but now suddenly didn't have enough time to. As they laid me on the execution table, I was still shouting to my dad to tell this person one thing, another person something else - to make sure my messages got through. And then the terror kicked in, just before I awoke. Strong enough to have me struggle for breath just before my eyes opened.

I'm sure this dream was a result of a fear of not embracing the moment - of ending life wishing I'd said or done things that now it was too late for. But it was a wake-up call (literally! :-) 2 minutes before my alarm went off...) to remember that tomorrow is not guaranteed, and I need to live today.

Sure, there are still things that hold me back - that make me cautious and unable to delve into doing or saying what I would like to. There's an innate protection button that tries to override gut-feel and compulsion. But I'm trying to let myself go more and more - to give myself permission to experience life to its fullest, to live in the moment.

I hope I can get it right today.

All you have is now

This moment, this time, this place - it's what you have. No more and no less. You're not guaranteed the future, and the past is behind you.

Will you live your now with abandon? With arms wide open? With every fibre of your being? Will you risk, and dive in headfirst, and feel fully? Will you speak your thoughts, before it's too late? Will you drink deep of this moment's possibilities?

Or will this moment pass you by - be gone forever - without you having really lived at all?

Nutrition Double-Take

I've just come back from a half-hour march around the mountain, the "quick route" along a few contours, with some initial very steep hills, but then gentle slopes and down again. (Being the experimenter, I've found the best way to breathe through the uphills - but it both looks and sounds weird.. :-) )

However, I've noticed that I'm losing energy way too quickly. I felt it walking last week too - going along just fine, when suddenly it feels like everything's drained out of my muscles!

There's only one explanation - bad nutrition. As much as I've been eating a heck of a lot better, it's not there yet. I'm sure I have an iron deficiency that is affecting how my blood transports oxygen to the muscles. I'm not getting enough fruit (yet) and am in a veggie-rut. Cash has kinda run out until payday, but once it strikes, our meals are getting another double-take do-over.

The kid admitted that he used to eat veggies when he was little - now all he's been badgering me for this weekend is "something deep-fried" :-) - he ain't getting it. He's been eating a bit better, but I haven't pushed it just yet. I'd rather lead by example and let him come along at his own pace. OK, so some meals he has no choice, but he's doing OK. He even went "yum! gemsquash!" the other day, which surprised me. He's also been walking with me today, and last week. He plays soccer now and then in the evenings, so is no longer simply sitting on his butt in front of a computer. He's ordered nectarines from our next grocery-run, and is drinking quite a bit of orange juice and home-made lemonade.

I guess as a family we're getting there. Slowly.

Today though I'm feeling a bit worn out. I know it's because I was too lazy and uninspired to make anything good to eat yesterday, so hardly ate at all. It carries over, and it needs to stop.

For supper tonight? Broccoli soup and home-made olive/feta/garlic/rosemary focaccia - pretty high in iron and a few other things that we need desperately. With a shot of fresh-squeezed citrus to drink.

We'll get it right eventually...

Diwali

I grew up in a church tradition that didn't celebrate holy/religious days all that much. We never followed the annual calendar that many churches do, so seasonal church rituals and traditions were something new to me completely when I started to notice what other groups were up to.

But there's something to be said for life following seasons, times and rhythm. It makes you more aware of where you're at, helps you notice your surroundings or celebrate certain aspects of existance - religious or otherwise. Take the season changes, as a broad example. I've mentioned before how we seem to live seasonless in this modern age - where before our every essence was tied to how the world around us functioned and turned. The same can be said for our spiritual side.

And today many are celebrating Diwali (Deepavali/Divali - the name does seem to vary). If you've never investigated Indian Hindu tradition, you may not know much about it - and I've had to do some Googling myself... :-)

It's known as the Festival of Lights and is held every year on a night in October when no moon rises - a dark night. Traditionally people fill their homes with light in response, driving darkness out of every corner and celebrating the triumph of light over darkness, good over bad, righteousness over spiritual darkness. It's a chance to make things over new - from a spotlessly-clean house to invite wealth, to new clothing and eating utensils. A recent online news item reported that plastic surgery is very much in vogue these days too, another way of making new. It's a time to give gifts and spend time together. A start of a new financial year.

To me, Diwali sounds like quite a fantastic celebration! Hindu, I am not - yet isn't the triumph of good in our lives something worth celebrating? In whatever form it comes, light and happiness and renewal is something we all need.

Perhaps more of us could be taking a leaf out of the books of other cultures, other traditions, other spiritual perspectives, and finding those things we can celebrate and remember together? Yes, that's a thoroughly postmodern way of doing things... :-) Taking bits from many beliefs and creating your own set of perceptions about the world and the Powers that influence it, celebrating and honouring across culture and creed.

In that spirit though, happy Diwali!

Contemplative

As the week winds down and the sun sinks (we assume, as we haven't seen it through fog much today - but it is getting a bit darker), I have to wonder where the week went. It's flown by so quickly! I've barely had time to breathe between work, a spot of power-walking and some pretty strange experiences.

But one needs time to process, and that's what Friday nights are for. Work has stopped, the weekend barely begun. It's the perfect opportunity to take a bit of time out and still what's churning inside.

I've found my brain in turmoil this week, processing options and dreams and many different thoughts that haven't been - couldn't be - blogged. I've found myself laughing at some pretty hilarious stuff and very funny people. I've rediscovered muscles and tendons that didn't think they were going to be pushed quite so hard. I've made a few new friends and re-made some old ones. I've made mistakes, and I've made progress. I've cemented a few goals, and continue to test the waters on others. I've dragged my dad into the 21st Century - he's Skyped at last! :-) - and discovered one of my brothers is out there too. I've rescued a baby bird and fiddled in a Landy. I've slept very little, but also slept solidly (more the latter than the former, thankfully). I've reached a few conclusions and realizations, and opened my heart a tiny bit more to the world at large. I've learnt a little, added a little to my life, and given up some clingy bits of the past that needed chucking out. I've eaten well - but not yet well enough. I'm still struggling with finances, with tiny nagging fears, with a habit of self-doubt, with occasional frustration. Mostly I've been happy this week, a deep joy that flows out and covers up minor irritations.

Am I different from what I was a week ago? No doubt - every day I change a little. Am I better? Perhaps. Is there room for improvement next week? Always.

Mainly I'm still me. I haven't sold my soul for the benefit of anyone else. I haven't let my essence be walked over. It's been a very good week all told.

Shabbat Shalom

Car-Free Day

Happy Car-Free Day! (Unfortunately, it falls on the only day of the week when I do actually use my car for the grocery run...)

Did you walk to work today? I did (would be silly not to). I know for many it's not really an option though. With the trend of living in one place and working far away from there, the roads are clogged regularly with commuters.

Many countries have an excellent public transport system, or roads system, or pedestrian system. Unfortunately South Africa isn't one of these - heck, even lift clubs are still not legal. Last year the government stated disappointment with the number of people who honoured the spirit of the day - unfortunately not much (nothing?) has been done to make it easier to use public transport since then! There are expensive things in the offing like the Gautrain (high speed train between Joburg and Pretoria, at a cost of billions and the disruption of everything from business to service lines) - but these will take forever to complete, if they ever really get around to it. So, Mr Government - want a car-free day? Please then take a good hard look at the infrastructure you're providing...

There are many reasons to go car-free, one of the big ones being environmental. It's common knowledge that we need to find alternatives for our massive use of oil and its derivitives - yet only the "fringe elements" are working to find other options. Big Business and Government sit back and wait for the crisis, or so it seems.

My opinion? We need to individually be looking for solutions that fit us, that fit our lifestyles and requirements. Whether it be biking or walking or perhaps creating a completely new way to travel. The easiest solution is to simply live and work in the same area!

OK, enough rambling on.... Happy Car-Free day!

3 Years and Counting!

I do this every year - forget my Blogversary. (Good thing I'm not married - would probably forget that one too. I went and forgot both my brother and sister-in-law's birthdays in the past month....)

So, 19 October, 2003 - that was the day I started blogging. It began quietly, but thanks to a mega-blogger I had a couple folk directed my way and now have settled in to about 100 site hits a day, which is quite something! I've currently got 7 blogs running, though 4 of those don't get regular updates. This is still my main presence in cyberspace.

Thanks to all my regulars who have stuck around through the totally arb mindless stuff, the coming-and-going decision-making stuff, the photos, the good, the bad, and (recently) the ugly (baby birds).

Perhaps this weekend I'll have the time to put together a highlights post of the last 3 years. But one thing I do know, this ride ain't over yet!

(By the way, we have a new blogger in cyberspace! Go and give Norm a big welcome)

Pumas and Cougars

My learning curve continues today! I found out all about Pumas and Cougars. Nope, not talking the wild beasts of the cat variety - I'm talking women!

From what I can gather it's all about older women who date (or otherwise) younger men. Women over the age of 40 are the Cougars. Women in their 30's are the Pumas, or Cougars-in-training. And the White-Tailed Deer? Well, being the natural prey of a Cougar, that would be a male specimen under the age of 30...

About a year ago I had a brief mini-crush on a guy who was a little bit younger than me. OK, I lie - about 10 years younger than me! Which, if I were 20, would be a whole lot worse than the 33 that I was. Age is relatively relative, after all. I considered being the Modern Woman and making the first move - but then thought better of it (ie came to my senses). Thankfully. I guess I would have been a Puma if I'd followed through on that one.

Is it a trend, this younger guy thing? Nah, not for me. Perhaps they're good to ogle occasionally, but when it comes down to it there's always a gap in life-stages, perspectives and interests that makes relating difficult.

Of course, science* has determined that women mature more quickly than men. Which is probably why you get more sugar-daddies than toy-boys in society. By the time a guy reaches 60 he's right around the maturity level of a 30-something woman... :-) Just a pity the rest of him has started to fall to bits.

*science: the art of reading random things online and stringing them together to form a theory

Early Morning

At precisely 6:26 the first rays of sunshine hit my curtains this morning. Too good a morning to give it 10 more minutes in bed, I got up and headed out to my verandah.

I'm blessed with an incredible view! (Click for a big one)



This morning it was perfect calm after some very hectic wind recently. And of course on mornings like this the birds are out in force. Here are a few who were hanging around waiting for breakfast:



Too quick for my camera were the Lesser Double-Collared Sunbird, Malachite Sunbird, assorted Weavers, Cape Canaries, Starlings, Swifts, Swallows and Egyptian Geese.

There's nothing like starting your day in the peace and quiet of early morning...

Wednesday/Twilight/Total Rambling Post

I have the best view from here - my desk at home - facing a large window with the last of the sunset and the entire sweep of False Bay. Instead of closing my curtains as soon as the sun dips, I always leave them open and watch the light slowly leach from the sky - until it's pure dark outside.

Sitting here tonight though I have two questions:

1. Why does my desk smell like baby bird? and
2. Is it bedtime yet?

I must be getting old. I can't do the up every two hours thing that easily anymore. I was already over-tired when I hit the sack last night, and the rest of the night went downhill from there! So I've found myself in a walking stupor for most of the day. Running on static - and running it was. Busiest day in ages.

Before I could let the idea sink in to my brain and find an objection there, I went for the kind of walk after work that is close to a run - pushing myself further than I thought I was able to, and not letting up. I could feel my muscles over-heating in protest, but went up the steep hill at the same speed I went down it. I walked further than I had planned to, and just kept going. I guess there's something to be said for exercising without giving the mind a chance to kick in. I motored up that slope better than I ever have. (Tomorrow though I'm not doing it in jeans.)

Back home I'm completely exhausted. And starving. Too tired to go make something to eat that isn't just a slice of bread with peanut-butter on it. And the kid is UNtired. He has yet to start his homework, while I could have crawled in to bed an hour ago.

Outside the brilliant sunset has faded away into grey-green shadows, and the barn owl pair is calling. I wonder if it's their child I gave up for adoption today...

Meet Amadeus (Scree)

There's a bit of a debate as to his name, but Amadeus is the official one, and the kid calls him Scree! :-)

Been a bit of a rough night. I was up every 2 hours, but only one of those was for a bird-feed. He got cold and needed a hot water bottle change. He got his "wing" stuck in a fold of the towel and started shouting. And then he just shouted for the heck of it.

I'd forgotten what multiple night-time feeds are like... but I guess I'd better get used to them! :-)

::update::
Just phoned the Raptor Rescue centre at Spier and they told me to please bring him in to them to raise asap. I'm definitely not feeding him the right thing - he needs certain amounts of calcium. They'll also socialize him with his own species and re-release him, which of course is the ideal! I'll be handing him over to foster care within a few hours, and hope he does better there than he would with me.

::final installment::
Amadeus (Scree) is safe and sound at the Spier centre - where they reckon he's a mere 3 days old! He's the youngest of 4 rescued owls, and they have my details so will be in contact to let me know how he does. They will try to release him here once he's big enough too, which is ultra-cool. He's in for a great diet of minced rats, mushed chicken necks and later day-old chicks (frozen/dead) - much better than chicken livers, which certainly don't provide calcium or roughage. They reckon he'll do fine there and I'm sure he will.

New Baby in the house!

I was just leaving work today when I checked in at another office (to drop off a lost dog that had adopted me, farting terribly under my desk for an entire hour) - only to find a paper box with two baby barn owls in! One is small-chicken size, downy and soft yellow. The other one is tiny, merely a hatchling that fits in my hand.

And the small one was icy cold! I've got a grandpa that raises birds, so I know a little bit about it. I immediately grabbed the tiny one and stuck it between my palms, blowing gently to get warm air around it. Within minutes my hands were cold, it was that freezing. But pretty soon it started to give forth the tiniest of barn-owl screeches as it warmed up. "He" warmed up? No clue of gender, but he's a he now.

I offered to bring him home while the local Biology teacher took the bigger one to try get it back near the nest - on the ground. There's no way this little one would survive, so I brought him home to see if I could help.

Of course, it was initially panic stations! Had to use my "Skype a friend" option to see if there was any helpful wisdom from a guy who seriously knows birds. What does one feed a tiny barn owl with no feathers and an alien face (pics tomorrow!) that's screeching non-stop? Fortunately I had some chicken livers in the freezer, that the dogs would have had sometime or other. I defrosted a few, chopped them up really small, hauled out the tweezers and started feeding.

It seems to be working! It's gulped down about 4 (or more) tablespoons of chicken liver bits, and is still going. It must have been very very hungry to start with.

Now he's got a nest on a hot water bottle, wrapped in towels. He's still screeching now and then, but seems a whole lot happier - settled down and "sleeping" (can't tell - he's so young his eyes aren't open). He seems happier when his head is being gently stroked and I'm talking in tiny whistling noises to him. I guess another living thing helps instead of just an inanimate hot water bottle.

I'll keep shovelling in the chicken whenever he seems to want it and we'll see how things go. I could be in for a rather rough night. This is an owl after all, and we all know when owls prefer to be awake...

I guess it will be "bring a bird to work" day tomorrow! And for the forseable future.

::update::
In the past few hours I've learnt quite a bit about baby barn owls. I know that to get him to open his considerably-big mouth (no worry about choking on those little bits of chicken!) I need to tap the side of his beak with the tweezers - something hard enough to imitate his parent's beak - and then the food gets gulped down. He can also eat his body weight in food each night. I've learnt that he can sleep and "chirp" constantly at the same time - and that chirping should not be equated with hunger. That light hand weight equivalent to a parent bird over him shuts him up. I've found out that they are birds that like to "wander" the nest and are very curious. And that between egg-laying and fledging it's around 3 months. I have no clue how old this one is, but he's definitely under 3 week, as he's not at the stage where the parents could leave him unsheltered. I also found out that having such a huge sibling is very normal, and that said huge sibling could have eaten him up if there was a food shortage. Lucky I got to him first! :-) But I've also realized I need to call in an expert for him - to get him acclimatized to living in the wild (should he actually survive my care) - or he'll forever be dependent on humans for food.

I've had a good look at his face and although he's tiny, the barn owl heart-shape is there already! First white feathers are coming in on his body too, though he's mostly nude. Although his eyes are closed, he's exploring his surrounds and moving around. Definitely feeling better than earlier.

Amazing how much education one small living thing can bring your way!

Slipped my mind

That waxing episode last week? I really should have remembered this post...

*disclaimer - I'm not the object of the story! :-)

It begins...

From round about now until mid-February each year is the busiest time of the working year in my office. And it seems it's completely kicked in today! There's little time to do anything other than the one task - my main job description task - that will keep me at it for the rest of the year. Other than blog, of course.. :-) Call it "tea break" without the tea. Just an apple and some water instead.

My desk is usually cleared of anything other than what I'm working on currently. Today it's piled up high with stuff! Organized piles of stuff, each with a big job attached to them, awaiting my attention.

But one does have to come up for air every so often. Or go out for air - unless it's moving at gale-force speed.

Just next to my office building is a herb and rose garden, with a central grass patch and the ancient bell mounted in a Cape-style tower. If I need a breather, a chance to clear the head, that's where I usually head to. Peer under the plants for wild melons, check out the different types of roses in bloom, crush and smell a few herb leaves as I pass, and watch bees delving into the gigantic purple artichoke flowers. It's more than a physical breath of fresh air - it's a mental one too.

Especially on days where you feel like a webpage "Done - but with errors"....

Wind

I've said it before - I'm no fan of wind. And the windy season seems to have struck again, early.

A gusting gale-force South-Easter has been blowing since early evening, rattling ill-secured windows, blowing my arum lilies flat, tossing things around outside. Not particularly conducive to sleep... As a result I find myself slightly on edge this morning. I've been half-awake since well before it got light - and I'm not the only one. Quite a few folk have pitched up to work with headaches today, either from a lack of sleep or from the effects of the wind.

I love the Cape, really I do - I just wish it didn't come with the wind! But I guess that's too much to ask... :-)

Blondes may have more fun...

First day being blonde again - and I'm shaking my head at one of the strangest days I've had in ages! OK, pretty cr*ppy morning briefly at work - the rest of the day was pure nuts.

I seriously doubt it had anything to do with hair colour, but I did have a whole lot of crazy experiences / encounters today.

So let's call this an experiment in progress. Give it a while and see - perhaps blondes have more fun after all.

Photoblog

From Saturday's mountain ramble.

Back to Work!

Yup, holiday's over and it's back to work for me. I've landed running - many emails and voice messages to get peruse, and a sudden realization that it's Boss's Day! Meaning I was supposed to bring cheese scones to work for a tea later in the morning... eish! Fortunately home is a mere 500m or so away, so will dash home around 10 and bring them freshly-baked. Not a complicated thing to cook, thank goodness.

I've also been really industrious and did a few hours of baking yesterday. The nice thing about working here is the hordes of hungry students that pass by, so today I've got choc brownies, fudge and granola for sale - so that the Ford can later run on more than mere whiffs of petrol... I've been cutting it very fine this month financially - suddenly all sorts of expenses popped up and the credit card has taken strain. But with the Camino to save for, I need to get sorted - and, unbeknownst to them, the hungry students will be covering a good deal of that trip.

So back to work today. Lots to do, things to trawl through, but I've got the energy required. Unusual for a Monday morning. Perhaps it's just perspective that counts, that gives one the push needed to accomplish what must be done.

Redheads Don't Have More Fun

Contrary to scientific survey (ie what bloggers think), redheads do not necessarily have more fun.

Since I went redhead just before Christmas, we have buried my mom, I've had a couple of huge emotional issues forced on me to deal with, I have nearly resigned from my job a number of times, and I still haven't had a good vry! :-)

Today, in the spirit of grounding and settling and being true to me once more, I took a gentle wash to the hair and went back to almost exactly what I was a year ago - blonde. Well, blonde-ish with traces of grey-white, black and a bit of red - a legacy from dark haired dad, redhead mom, coming of age and a whole lot of time spent outdoors I guess. This is the very last time I will be messing with my hair and chemicals - ever. From now on it does what it does, with merely a chop now and then to keep it tamed.

Although I'm merely going to back to my roots (ha-ha... they'll probably show up nicely now!), it completes what I've felt today. That I'm me again, over the cr*p that I've dealt with in the past year, ready to move on, and headed in the right direction. About time too.

Will I get me a good vry now that I'm blonde again? No clue. It's anyone's guess. (Any offers? :-)) For today the outer change reflects a determination to live authentically (bit of a paradox as it's taken something inauthentic to get me headed down that road again), as much as I can, and not hold back on being me.

Tomorrow is a whole new day. I hope this feeling keeps.

Grounded

I've been feeling oddly settled today, as if my subconcious has stopped jumping around with attention-deficit impermanence, and has suddenly focused. It's like I've been given a clear path, a set of goals, and everything I am is working together toward it.

Although I have some hint of what it is I'm aiming for, I definitely haven't made a concious decision to cut out the static and go for it. I just woke up this morning with a sense of knowing where I am headed. Even though parts of it don't make sense yet, and some of it is downright scary.

I've found myself putting energy into things I've avoided, without my mind being distracted into strange side alleys. There's a sense of calm, a sense that I'm doing the right thing, going the right way - yet not a whole lot has changed since yesterday. Perhaps my soul has just given up vascillating from one option to another, and settled into the way it needs to go to reach its destination/s.

Dunno - this probably sounds like so much pie in the sky to whomever is reading it. Perhaps it is. But whatever is going on, it's been good today. Still mid-afternoon and already I feel I've done a lot more to reach these somewhat intangible goals than I have in a long time.

Either that, or I'm about to be locked up in the looney bin - they say those who feel the most sane are actually completely nuts! :-)

Late Saturday Night...

Another Saturday night, near midnight - and I'm hovering between being over-tired, and wide awake. I guess that comes from a pretty solid 2-hour afternoon nap (noisy kids outside notwithstanding).

I've started emails to a few people numerous times, and discarded them. Don't want to send smatterings of nothing to clutter up anyone's inbox and simply irritate them, and most stuff I could say perhaps shouldn't be. I've considered chatting up random strangers on Skype - and decided it's a bad idea. Even left mine on full visibility (usually invisible) to see if anyone would chat me up - no luck... :-) I've looked at stuff online, and gotten bored. I updated a few blogs, but not much to say - so of course I'm blogging a lack of things to say here, which is kinda ironic.

The kid's watching "Startrek Enterprise", and I could be doing that too - but am just not in the mood. There's nothing worth spending time on that the TV has to offer. I could be doing tomorrow's work - the weekly load/s of washing, some ironing, a bit of gardening (tomato seeds and kraalmis waiting to be grounded). I could be irritating the neighbours by tinkering with Oliva, revving her up and driving her around a bit - but I'm the considerate type.

Outside all is quiet, except for the sound of Cape Eagle Owls and the occasional screech of a Barn Owl. The nightjars have yet to make their summer appearance - or perhaps it's not warm enough a night for them. Thank goodness the piet-my-vrou has shut up and gone to bed. There's still a chill in the air, a bit of mist hanging around, leftovers from today's ocean of fog.

Inside one dog snores happily on my toes, keeping them warm. He's been a bit ill, so good to see he's looking better. The other dog attempted a coup while he was sick, which didn't work - he perked up enough to reclaim his place and put down the uprising.

I'm not one to hang out in bars or such. The car's a bit low on petrol, so am not going anywhere anyway. Most of my friends are probably already in bed - many being of the "young family" variety. I got an early start on the family thing, so am at a different stage in life.

In short, there's not a heck of a lot going on here!

Yup, just another typical Saturday night in my house... :-)

Adventures in Spanish

One thing I'm determined to do before I walk the Camino de Santiago is to learn at least basic Spanish. I've wanted to for years, and this is the perfect opportunity to not only get it into the head, but practice it where I'm forced to!

I've found a couple of online courses (haven't been able to use the "hire a hunk" option unfortunately), and this evening am working through a few of the BBC Languages pages.

Once you get the hang of the pronunciation and a few of the rules, it's really not that difficult! I've noticed that written Spanish has much in common with English, unlike Portuguese (which I'll rather leave well alone for now). If you look at it hard enough, it totally makes sense. Spoken Spanish is a little bit more tricky, especially when spoken quickly. Divide it up into individual words and it's easier.

Anyway, been practicing my extreme basics, and at least I'll never go hungry (though I may get sick of omelette, and still end up wandering lost somewhere):

"iHola! - una tortilla, por favor!"

Mountain Thoughts

My son and I took a bit of a walk this morning up our small mountain. We were hoping to get right to the very top, but the mist/fog rolled in just after we left, and that wouldn't have been wise. As it was, we weren't quite sure how high up we were most of the time, although we followed the most direct route heading up the slope. Eventually we turned off on a side road and walked contours and pine-needle paved paths for another hour or so before realizing exactly where we were.

Up there it's a different world. Sure, there's a good deal of tree-cutting happening - the pine forests are being taken out at a rate. But in their place the Cape fynbos is taking over again. There were birds everywhere, flowers on things large and small in every hue imaginable. From the tiniest pin-prick whites to large cerise-pinks, deep blues and brilliant yellows. Insects were out and about in the trees, on the paths, eating flowers. And all around us the view was limited by the mist drifting in between the trees.

At one point we walked through a section where everything was dead-brown. The trees were scorched black on one side from a swift-moving fire that came through a while back, though pine needles had already drifted in to cover the forest floor beneath them again. My camera did a whole lot of work today - good thing I took the extra batteries!

Heading up the mountain I realized I've got a ways to go toward my fitness goals - and toward being able to stride up any mountain while also carrying a load...! But I'm getting there. I've got a very good slope right outside my back door to practice on every day! :-)

But mountains are not just for exercise and the enjoyment of nature. They're good for clearing the head too.

I often find myself doing a quick dash up the contours, sometimes dragging the dogs or the kid along, just to clear my head. If my thoughts start heading in a direction they shouldn't, if I need to be able to work things out a bit, if I simply need a break from too much thinking - the mountain is where I go. Usually with my camera - finding things to photograph takes my mind off many things, gives me a mind-set switch, a brain-drain (oil change?) that has me coming back sorted out. Most times, that is! :-)

I love living at the base of my mountain. To see it change from early morning to evening light, to watch a full moon rise behind it, or a fire sweep across the summit every few years and glow darkly in the night, to note the grip of clouds rushing over the back and down the cliff face - a sure sign you'd better get that washing inside... this is life with a mountain in your back yard. It's a direction finder for the lost, a landmark of strength for the world-weary. A place to rest against and view the world from a different angle. A shelter and a home for all that cling to its slopes.

Shabbat Shalom

(recycled photo - fresh ones will resume once I'm reunited with my camera's download cable)

A word of caution

If you woke up this morning clutching a package of waxing equipment, with the thought in your head "I simply must wax something delicate today!" - let me help you in the right direction.

DON'T!

Either leave it to the experts or shave it. Unless you're a complete and utter sucker for punishment.

This is your voice of reason (and experience) talking!!!

Last day of holiday...

... at least for a little while (one is always between holidays!). I've decided to make it a relatively computer-free day, and focus instead on some of the tasks I want to get done while I still have time available.

Although I love organizing stuff, I've let it slide at home recently in favour of tinkering with Olivia and working on the computer. So that's first up on my list, along with a top-to-bottom house clean. I need to give the lawn some attention, and dead-head the arums so that when I sit outside admiring the view and the birds and the sunshine, I don't feel like I should be doing something else instead. I also need to get a veg bed ready for seeding, before it's too late in the season.

As usual, Friday is grocery shopping day - once the kid returns from school. And later this afternoon I need to pick up Olivia's battery from a friend who has had it on a mega-charger overnight.

So there's plenty to do to keep me away from this screen! And with a whole world out there to enjoy, it's about time I gave it a rest.

Back to the grindstone next week - I want to know that when I come home, it will be to a space and place that I can enjoy, not have to still sort out.

Happy Friday everyone! Weekend - woohoo! :) There's nothing like turning off that alarm clock for two days of upcoming silence...

Pilgrimage starts here...

I've just been sitting down doing my sums, as part of preparation for the Camino - and some pretty long-term planning.

From what I can work out, the two-month trip will cost me around R25,000. Provided our exchange rate doesn't plummet and ticket prices don't go up too dramatically. That, for me, is a lot of cash. But I do have nearly a year in which to get sorted out and find it.

I'm realistic enough to know that no amount of lotto-card-buying is going to provide a windfall to cover this. No rich relatives will shuffle off this mortal coil and leave me their fortunes. It's solely up to me - and hence the pilgrimage starting here and now. If I am to make this one work, I have to start immediately and create the mindset and habits needed to accomplish it.

It's going to take both discipline and creative fund-generating to make it work. But perhaps that's also part of the reason I've been impressed to get going on this journey. To not only do the Camino, but to spend a very long time preparing to do it - to re-examine many aspects of my life that may need aligning with what I need to do, to sort out issues that I face, and to continue to cling to a goal until it becomes reality.

In a way, those can be applied not only to my Camino plans, but to everything I dream of doing, everywhere I want to be, whatever I want to become. It's a paring down to focus on the steps I need to take - for the Camino and for a variety of other things that occupy my imagination and my heart.

So yes - the Camino pilgrimage starts here. But so do a few other journeys. All intertwined, all somehow related, and all affected by each other and by the way I approach them.

As challenging as it seems, as almost-impossible at times, strangely I'm looking forward to what happens next. These are merely first steps on many roads that I may yet travel.

Perfect!

I love mornings like this - quiet, warm, not a breath of wind. Perfect for washing every single piece of bedding in the house, and all the towels! :)

There's nothing like settling in at night under a duvet that smells like sunshine, crsip and still-warm from a day outdoors (the bedding, not me). So today I'm at it with a couple of loads. Spring weather kinda gives one the urge to spring-clean.

I'm also diving into Landy things today. I need to get to a few places like my mechanic, who is due to show me how to set idle speed, timing and mix. Gotta contact the bloke who was supposed to quote me for insurance too, to see what he has to say for himself. I don't want to be uncovered if I end up in the back of someone or they end up in the back of me.

In the meantime though, I'm enjoying my 2nd last day of holiday (for a while - think I've got another few days due in November). It's good to be outdoors instead of sitting in an office on a day like this. Pity I don't have a portable office to make this a more permanent option! (But there's an idea brewing in the back of my brain about that one...)

::update::
Amazing how blogging on a perfect day can immediately bring a cold front to hover on the horizon, and a spell of unusual hayfever (hate to do it, but taking an Allergex before I conk out completely).... I guess the bloke in charge of weather reads my blog!

You don't want to do that!

* Put in your contact lenses after cutting chilies

* Scratch your butt (or anything in that area) after applying Deep Heat

* Breathe chili sauce down the wrong pipe with your food

* Sneeze while carrying a mug of something hot (we've covered that one before!)

* Stick your hands into a dog fight to break it up (specifically their mouths)

* Fall asleep outside in the sun. Naked.

* Walk barefoot over Lego in the dark

* Drop the car bonnet on your finger/s

* Get caught in a compromising position by your parents (or kids)

* Stick your tongue on a light that produces 'lightning' effects wherever you touch

* Take a deep dive into the wrong end of the pool

(add your own in comments)

Of Pilgrimages

I've been delving a bit deeper into Camino research today, to learn more about the route, the background, and many obscure side-tracks associated with undertaking the journey.

Along the way I've come to realize that this may be life-changing in more ways than just one. Still not sure just exactly what will change on the road for me, but I've realized there are other journeys I may end up taking once this one is over. There are places I need to go to, things I need to experience and explore, and a good deal of them are connected with ancient travel routes and sites. Many of them are considered pilgrimages. In a way my plans to travel with Olivia might be one too.

So I have to wonder... will doing the Camino lead to a life of repeat-treks, with work merely being a comma to fund the next one, or something to occupy me as I plan my next journey? Will I become a serial pilgrim? And by default, will my son be one too (or will he choose a life grounded in one place)?

Time will tell - those twists in my path remain hidden for now, ready to unfold only as I step forward each day. I get flashes of visions, paths I see myself walking - but they're mere hints of what could be. Reality may in fact have a completely different plan for me.

Camino to Go*

Last weekend I mentioned the sudden overwhelming urge to go walk el Camino de Santiago. I haven't said much about it since, but...

It looks like it's going to be a go! I'm planning for August/September (or Sept/Oct) next year, and this afternoon sat down with my travel agent to plot routes and prices (fly in to Paris, fly out from one of 4 options, which I'll finalize closer to the time - the rest of the travel by train and foot). I've been garnering advice from a good friend who has done it, from an online pilgrim's forum, and from the local Confraternity of St James in South Africa. I've slowly but surely been planting the idea in my kid's head of two months without me - and we're working on upping his education as to what a washing machine and can opener can accomplish! :)

Yes, age 14 is young to be given 2 months of responsibility. Yet I can remember being that age, and being responsible enough to be left in charge on numerous occasions. I was cooking meals, cleaning house, doing many things that he will be required to do. Granted - he has a steep learning curve ahead, as he hasn't done much up to now... but we'll sort him out.

I can't take him with me - it will defeat the purpose of this journey. I've shown him the route on Google Earth and he's sufficiently intimidated by the length and the landscape that he'll be glad not to have to walk it. He can do his own journey at his own time - perhaps starting with the 6 months in Australia I hope he'll take when he's 15 or 16.

But there's still a lot of planning, saving and organizing to do before I can walk the Camino. I can't just up and go. There's some big financial stuff to be sorted first, as well as making sure those I leave behind (pets, kid) are cared for sufficiently. If something should happen to me (perish the thought) I need to know the entire system will not just collapse....

OK, that may be thinking pessimistically, but I do know I need to ensure the loose ends are at least within tying distance.

Main thing is, after today's check with the travel folk, I think it's going to work out. I can stick it up there as a goal, and not just a wish.

And no, I still don't know why I have to do it - I may only know once it's done, or I may never know. It's just something I have to do.

* Camino means "way" - so I guess this could actually be titled "Way to Go!" :)

New Day

I did not much of anything yesterday, other than getting in some quiet time to think, and then sitting talking "kak" online for the rest of the day (and doing a bit of writing). Very nice to have a nothing day, but sometimes it's not that good for you.

With all the inactivity - well, that saying about idle hands isn't far off. Sometimes it can lead to too much introspection and critical thought. By around 10 last night I'd hit a serious dip of feeling sad and lonely. Ridiculous - I'm not allowed to get lonely! I really had no reason to be anyway. There was still a dog at my feet, and with that one can never truly be alone - not even when one goes to the toilet...

So today I'm not sitting around. I'm going to get up and get busy. That Landy needs to come right with the battery issues, and needs a good drive. There's dishes (again) waiting to be done. Although a bit chilly, the sun's out. The garden needs wading through and weeding, although I did pull a few things out while in my slippers yesterday. Still gotta see the bank and the travel agent, and get to the post office. Much to do.

So it's up and at it this morning. Breakfast, bath, then on with the day. No more of this self-focused nonsense, just a good busy day.

Paths

Been giving some thought to the paths our lives take, after reading this over the weekend, via DailyOM:

When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment.

Have you ever sat down and traced the paths that led you to where you stand right now? Considered that a single choice may have put you somewhere completely different?

It's amazing to track back, to follow those seemingly-insignificant, yet deeply life-changing decisions made along the way. If you had gone through with that plan to travel, or if you hadn't turned back at that precise moment, or perhaps listened to your gut when it told you to do something - how different things might have been. Our ways constantly intersect the paths of others - some of them follow ours in parallel, others veer off after a brief connection - all of them have some influence in where we walk on our journey.

The thing with paths is they're not straight. We don't know where the fork in the road will lead. When it comes to those forks and we're faced with a choice, sometimes it's difficult to know the right path. This, for me, is where that gut feeling I wrote about kicks in. When I can't imagine or understand where to go next, I follow the road that feels right.

I haven't always done that. There have been times where I've gone down the wrong road in exchange for an initial euphoria, knowing there could be a cliff to fall off over the rise. Many times I have - sometimes I've been lucky, and managed to cling to the edge until a new path shows me the way forward.

Do we choose what paths we follow? We try to - we decide what to study after school, where to work, who to marry (or not marry). We decide on a lifestyle, we choose friends. We say we're in control of our lives, have a 5-year plan (do those ever work out?), are working our way up the success ladder.

But somehow I don't think we really have that much choice! We can't factor in everything, nor set out the true direction we will travel. We don't know each morning what our lives will be like by evening - whether a loved one will be snatched from our lives, or that carefully-plotted career shattered. We don't know if crossing the road will be the last thing we do on earth, or if the best thing ever is just around the bend.

Yet I wonder if we can create a path, where none seemed to be before. Can conciously choose "this is what I want, though I don't yet know how to get there or even what it will look like when I do", and so influence what road we travel? I wonder if taking our dreams and energy and throwing them forward can forge a route to follow. Just as letting fear and doubt get the upper hand can obliterate a path we might have walked. If we embrace the things that make our hearts sing, and shun the ones that drag us down - can we influence the paths that we will walk? Will doing that influence the roads that intersect ours?

One more quote from the same source as above:

Anything worth doing will always have some fear attached to it. For example, having a baby, getting married, changing careers-all of these life changes can bring up deep fears. It helps to remember that this type of fear is good. It is your way of questioning whether you really want the new life these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of moving into the new.

Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us. Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one. Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let us know that the time has come to move forward, or not. While comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation. Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence.

You might wish to converse with your fear, plumbing its depths for a greater understanding of the change you are making. You could do this by sitting quietly in meditation and listening or by journaling. Writing down whatever comes up-your worries, your sadness, your excitement, your hopes-is a great way to learn about yourself through the vehicle of fear and to remember that fear almost always comes alongside anything worth doing in your life.

Early-Morning Holiday Thoughts

One week's leave - and the kid has left for school. The neighbours are heading for work one by one, and all that I can hear is rain and birds. Peace & quiet.

I think the quiet is one of the things I treasure about being on leave on my own, without the kid around (and his associated computer/tv/friends noise). Mornings are silent - and I try to keep them that way. Unfortunately, now and then someone decides to drill things or hammar things or similar - at which point I simply get into the car and go elsewhere.

This morning I'm taking at least an hour out to sit in silence, and hopefully not fall asleep. To just be still and calm and quiet. To finish a thought without interruption. Just as soon as the rubbish truck has been and gone, and the dogs have had their entertaining bark! :)

I have a lot to think about, but am not going to let my mind get too busy. I'm going to just let it flow through the interconnected paths it needs to take. To explore things that can only be found in quiet and consider angles that rushing would obscure. To imagine, dream and simply rest. I guess one could call it meditation. Whatever it is though, it's soul-food and one of the things I really look forward to doing when those little bits of time off work roll around.

::update::
Oh, the joyous harmony of chainsaws in the morning (not)! Drowning out the 14 different kinds of birdsong (if I counted correctly) I was enjoying the sound of. I'll just have to practice my "hear the silence through the noise" thing.

Two Weeks & Counting

It's been two weeks since I embarked on that healthy eating plan, and it's made a really big difference already. Although I still hit the occasional energy dip, I'm feeling much better than I used to be most of the time, with more bounce in my step and less weight to carry around. OK, I'm not hugely fat or anything, but a desk job does add softness to things I'd prefer to have firm. Only thing I'm not complaining about is that I fill out the upper underwear a whole lot better than I used to... :)

But back to the eating thing. It's more a lifestyle of concious eating and not at all a "diet". In other words I'm adding in the good stuff, cutting out the bad stuff, but not starving to death or denying myself good things. If I want to eat a cheese platter, I will - but not over-indulge. If I'm meeting a friend for coffee, I'll have a small cup - but not every day. If the lunar cycle strikes and I'll kill unless I have a shot of dark chocolate, I'll have some.

In the meantime though I'm eating more fruit & veg than starch and protein. Lots of water, lots of raw & fresh stuff, barely any sugar, no coffee, and unless I know what's in a food item I won't eat it - generally speaking. There are certain foodstuffs that you just have to trust & hope are OK...

I've always loved Italian-style food, rich in fresh stuff, antioxidants and an enjoyment of eating as part of their tradition. I know that savouring your food in both cooking and eating it is part of the process of healthy eating. The Slow Food movement emphasized it, as have many others.

So that's what I'm aiming for. Food as part of a healthy life, not a diet, not an obsession with one ingredient. Rather balance, enjoyment and living/eating with the best I can get.

This week I up the exercise quotient...

Instinct

I live a lot of my life by instinct, by gut-feel. From day one I've parented by instinct, somehow knowing what to do and what not to do. I gave birth by instinct too - having never gone to one of those "sit in a circle and breathe" classes (which are also a bit awkward to attend if you're going solo). Dealing with the teen years is following the same vein - going with the flow and carving out the path that seems best each day.

Many times I've done things that seemed crazy to others, but which just felt right to me - so I went ahead with them. Like putting in an offer on a gorgeous old Landy... :) Nearly every day I trust my gut with some decision or other, doing what might be called "winging it" in some situations, but what I'd call following a marked path that simply felt better than the other options.

Along with instinct, I've trusted things like the certainty I woke up with last week that I need to do the Camino (which has since evolved considerably, but that's fodder for another post). I believe my subconcious often urges me on when my concious decisions won't or can't. I take note of vivid night time dreams and daydreams. I let my imagination explore options as far as it will go - and have been told I aim too high sometimes as a result.

I'd like to live entirely by instinct - but now and then the practical/logic switch in my head attempts to override my gut feel. It says "you can't be serious - you'll never pull that one off! You don't deserve that, you're not good enough to do it" and in spite of knowing I am and can, sometimes I listen. Even though I know it's the times I don't listen that pay off in big ways!

I've noticed that I'm more cautious in heart matters than in life-changing decisions. I'll throw caution to the wind when it comes to the really big stuff - but in issues of trust and letting people in, I often block my instinct. Perhaps it's a fear of being betrayed or misunderstood, hurt or shunned. Easier to build up defenses than to expose the soft bits of who you are. Yet I know my instinct is often right. When it's told me of danger, it's been spot-on time after time. When I let it direct an openness of soul, I'm seldom disappointed.

It's something I struggle with though. As much as I want to live with open hands, open heart and nothing to hide, it sometimes takes a lot of effort for that to happen. It requires a concious overriding of that somewhat illogical logic button, the stiff upper lip of practicality, to simply let go and follow those instinctive promptings deep inside. To take the risks of getting stomped on, knowing that it could very well be worth it.

I'm working on a bypass switch for the head - one that will kill what keeps me back and let me live with abandon in every aspect of life, come what may. Soon I hope it will be fully installed and permanently operational. I know that will to lead to experiences I can barely wrap my mind around, better than I could ever imagine.

Shabbat Shalom

Much rushing today to finish off some tasks before the next round of holiday strikes. Blogging will happen later this weekend....

Amuse Yourself!

Been sitting on this site waaaayyyyy too long today: Uncyclopedia.

Cyber

It's been a while since this last happened - being chatted up by a random stranger in cyberspace, who wants to know if I have a "private office" and want to "mutually get off". Yes, I have a private office, but ..... Eish...!

It's amusing in a way. But also a bit sad that some bloke on the other side of the world needs to get his jollies with a stranger online. Perhaps that's the attraction though - no strings attached, no repercussions, no worries. Just cyber.

Now, if I weren't such a nice person, instead of a polite "thanks, but no thanks", I might summon up my creative writing powers (which are substantial), type up a storm, and then at the crucial moment.... disconnect! :)

Oops...

I almost forgot I'm on leave next week! Here I was happily trundling through a multitude of tasks, and then realized I don't have the time next week to complete most of them. Guess who's rushing now? :)

Yes, I've had a lot of leave this year - an entire month off recently. But that was extra leave, and I'm still using up the regular stuff. Unfortunately we don't get paid out if we don't take it, nor can we carry it over to the following year. So I'm trying to fit it all in before the real rush starts here, which is around about in a month's time. Then my office goes nuts while everyone else goes on holiday! At least I have peace and quiet as the only one around.

So it's back to the grindstone this morning. Have already worked through a lot of things that needed my full attention, but much more to go.

And what am I doing next week? Finding out why Olivia's battery is draining without apparent cause (and fixing it), then sorting out a few other odd jobs that are engine-related. And I never did get around to that male species appreciation day last holiday... :)

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Parent Forever

I'm not complaining about being a single mom - my son is awesome and a world without him would be a whole lot emptier. I'm glad he's survived my parenting attempts... :)

But I've also realized that once you're a parent, you're always a parent. There will always be someone who calls you mom and for whom you will be responsible. I started a bit early - pregnant at 20, mom at 21 - so in many ways I've been a parent all my adult life.

I tend to feel guilty about this, but there are times when I look forward to being able to do my own thing. When my son is grown and living his own life. Many parents suffer from an empty nest when their fledgelings fly - I am looking forward to it in a way.

It's not that I don't enjoy having my son around, not that I don't love him immensely and want to do things or spend time with him. (The more I write, the more it starts to sound that way though!) It's just that I'm looking forward to doing some alone things eventually - taking off on a whim for a holiday, getting a chance to sit in silence somewhere secluded for a few weeks, or even completely changing the way I live on a permanent basis. Without having to come up with cash for an education, a ever-hungry teen or a stable permanent home, I could fulfil some of those private dreams I've pushed to the back of the shelf.

Yes, I'll take him with on many adventures. That's a given. But there's also the personal adventures that only I can do, and those are what I look forward to.

Over the past 13 years I've shed a lot of dreams to focus on child-rearing. Shed is perhaps not the right word, they've just been postponed. I've invested my time in being a mom instead of doing me-things, but there's a part of me that has realized I need to do me-things. So I'm biding my time and keeping the ideas ticking over, taking mini me-breaks now and then so I don't lose who I am.

Yet I also know that as a forever-parent I will always still be needed. If there's an emergency, I'm there. If there's something to be celebrated, I'm there. If he needs to "come home", I'm there. Parenting is never something you wash your hands of once they're grown and flown. It's more about finding balance between who you are as a mom and who you are as a woman - and I'm still working on that....

Quoteable - Mixed Bag

"As I flubbed the grey scrollwork and remembered that scene I thought “Yes, but Andy Goldsworthy is a full-time artist. At least he has more time than I.” But that’s not true is it? We all have the same time – sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day. It just matters how we use it."
- Urban Abbess

"..their damned computerised check-in system at Cape Town International goes down more often than a starving nymphomaniac with an empty fridge."
- Kyknoord

"To this I question, "But it is exactly my travels that took my religion away! Not brought it to me! I've seen so many people, the world over, worship in so many ways, none less sacred than another. So how is it that this same route brought you to yours?" He shrugs with a smile that hints he knows more, "Each pilgrim has her own path." "
- Solbeam

"What use is evolution in a game if you can't evolve using sex?"
- My Son...

Music To Work To

Must be a carry-over from Tech days, but every now and then I get this urge for some good alternative rock (the kid thinks I'm weird). Today I have this track playing from BiPolar.

Some days it's a touch of Evanesence or Tempernoi or Metallica or Korn or Green Day or a bit of local-is-lekker Arno Carstens or Johannes Kerkorrel. Other days its Era, Men at Work, Coldplay, blast-from-the-past ELO and Dire Straits.

My colleagues are playing Afrikaans sakkie-sakkie music, religious stuff, classical. Am I the only weirdo around here? Yup, probably. :)

Strange product of the day

My only question is.... WHY?

How to learn a new language

Option 1: Buy a set of books, CDs/tapes and plug in the earphones. Learn at your own pace. Hope the instructors got it right.

Option 2: Move to the country whose language you wish to learn, preferably to an area where no English is spoken. Learn by necessity, with all the local vernacular thrown in. Hope the language is spoken the same way everywhere else.

Option 3: Grab a native hunk from the country, and take private lessons. Learn all the good stuff first. Hope you progress beyond the good stuff without getting side-tracked.

Hmmm.... wonder which one I should choose!? I've got to get Spanish/Portuguese, French and perhaps German into my head asap.... :)

Zen-Zone

It's funny how when I'm ill at ease inside, my surroundings reflect it. When I'm finding purpose and direction, that shows up too. When I need to find it - then it becomes a mission. I attack my environment in earnest and clear it from top to bottom.

For the past few days I've been on a bit of a quest. The kitchen is sorted - the last of the dishes washed and put away, surfaces gleaming. Parts of my home are getting the clutter-free treatment where stuff has been allowed to build up. It's a work in progress, a bit more each day.

Today the office had a turn. I spent most of the morning taking down superfluous bits of paper and pictures, chucking all the "away" notices that had collected behind the door, taking down things that were ragged and used up, dusting where the janitors merely skim and throwing out things I no longer want to look at or use or deal with. Much went into recycling, leaving the space clean and clear and calm. I didn't think anyone would notice the difference - but everyone did. And asked why! :)

All I could say was "because I need to".

The unseen clutter-clearing was going on too - backing up old data and burning it to CDs, clearing file structures, saving a lot of personal stuff off the hard drive. We're running lean and mean on the machine now.

I've kept the "feng shui" elements I installed a year and a half ago - a collection of crystals in one place, "something red" in the south corner, plants placed where they're going nuts and becoming a jungle. Those are still working for me. It's the rest that needs sorting.

I have an image in my mind of a Zen-Zone where all is calm, peace and quiet. Some days it merely exists in my soul. But today a little bit of it was created where I work. Purging that outer stuff will clear the inner paths that still feel cluttered, allow me to free my mind to explore the opportunities the universe offers.

One day I'll build that secluded retreat, a space for others to do the same.

Photoblog: Tuesday

Collatoral Damage

I write this with a guilty concience. At my feet an electric heater is keeping me warm, while my old computer is hardly energy efficient and although I've replaced all the lightbulbs with energy-saving ones, there are still 2 burning - and a second computer running that the kid's on...

Guilty concience - because this is a Green post. Brought on by an article at Zerofootprint about climate change. It tells of Inuit peoples whose entire lifestyle is changing as the earth perceptibly warms up. The seasons they've followed, the animals they've lived with and off of, it's all changing. And as much as they hope to keep their culture alive, necessity dictates contact with the modern world for things such as now-needed sunscreen...

And then there's the ladybird found where no ladybird should be - in the Arctic.

It's got me thinking about indigenous folk today.

We're very isolated in our "civilized" cities. Seasons pass us by, aircon keeps our temperatures constant as we live indoors most our lives. Food is available year-round instead of by season. Any changes, we simply don't notice.

But imagine if you were an Inuit. Or one of a tribe in the Amazon. Or the central African forests (what few remain). Your life has always flowed with the rhythm of the planet. You have generations of knowledge to tell you just when it will rain (so you can plant for crops to keep you alive), just when it will be dry. You know when the rivers swell and when they shrink, you know the ways of the animals and which kinds live around you. You're instinctively, inbred in tune with the breathing land.

And then, ever so subtlely, it starts to change. One year the rains come too early - the next they're too late, and so heavy that your crops are washed away. In the northern climes the snow falls, but melts right away. The sea ice you'd hunted on never materializes, taking your prey with it into parts unreachable. You're caught in freak storms, or have to watch the vegetation wither and dry out, fires destroying the rest.

It's not your fault. You don't know why it's happening. You're collatoral damage, and those who are destroying you don't even realize it.

That's why I'm feeling guilty for the trappings of civilization. For my part in global warming - from the wasted water as I waited for the hot to flow, to the emissions my car gives off every time I don't plan properly and have to do an extra trip to the shops.

But all too often it simply doesn't affect us. It's no concern of ours that a jungle family is suffering through another year of the unexpected. We couldn't care less about that ladybird in the wrong place at the wrong time. Until we turn open the taps and nothing comes out, until we breathe in and choke on our own poisons, until it costs more to fill our cars than we earn (or only the rich can afford to eat), until there's nothing of anything left - somehow I doubt most of us will do anything.

Not until it's simply too late. And maybe it already is...

Timeless

About 2 weeks ago my watch conked. Correction - my son's watch, the one I was borrowing (because he didn't use it) since mine died last year... that one conked.

So far it's been OK. I'm always arround some or other timepiece. The computer, the wall clock at the office, the time thingie on the video machine, or the alarm clock next to my bed. I don't really have any deadlines as far as time goes, other than getting to work at the appropriate hour.

I could grab another one of my son's watches (he has about 4 of them I think) - but the batteries on all are either fading, or they seem to jump around. One day they're fast, the next slow! Which is not a good thing when it comes to being a watch.

I've had a look at watches in the shops, and there are some nice ones, but somehow I can't bring myself to plonk down a few hundred bucks on one. The cheapest are still a week's worth of groceries, and at the moment we'd rather eat.

So I'm timeless. Not as in "doesn't look a day over 21", but rather "something's missing on my wrist"!

Funny, the cellphone also conked around the same time... wonder if I'm headed for a run of things breaking again? What's going to be next to go???

Some Things Change, Some Stay The Same...

(Bet you have a certain song playing in your head now...)

One of the advantages of having a blog is that you can check back every few years and wonder what the heck you were thinking! :)

A couple Google searches recently landed on back-pages I wrote ages ago, from a completely different head-space. They may have found what they were looking for, but if they asked me the same things today, in many cases my anwers would be dimetrically opposite. I followed a few of the search links to see what posts they'd turned up, and found a few things:

* I used to be very religiously judgemental. I also used to be "fervent", unable to understand why folk wouldn't choose to be fully involved in a church. My, how things have changed!

* I've made a lot of plans in the past - and very few of them have actually happened. I think it's called "casting about" for direction...? :)

* Photography has been big on this blog for ages. Posting pics is still part of what I do - nearly all mine.

* I think I may have grown up. Just a little. Still got a long way to go most days.

* My blog theme/look hasn't changed in 3 years! Eish... Time to get that CSS knowledge under the belt and get me a unique look. I think I've kept it this way because it didn't take a lot of effort to code or update, and I like the header image.

* Blog links come and go - perhaps as my interests wane and wax. At least I'm using Blogrolling now instead of hand-coding them!

* I should probably back up the blog again soon... just in case. That's a whole lot of words there, and although much of it is the usual ramblings, I wouldn't want to have to start from scratch again.

* I'm a lot more confident in putting my words out there than I was 3 years ago. I no longer try to please everyone, but simply write for me. OK, not entirely accurate - sometimes knowing who is reading determines how I phrase things, but generally I speak my mind. And I no longer panic when people I know read my blog. In fact, it's linked at the bottom of all my Gmails, along with my Flickr page.

3 year blogversary is coming up later this month. Perhaps I should celebrate it by posting a few Blasts from the Past? :)

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