After a week of good, healthy eating, I tried an experiment today. I filled up the filter coffee machine, drank the stuff fresh with artificial sweetner and palm-oil powdered creamer (for which the dwindling-habitat Orangutangs will not thank me), ate shop bread with margarine, peanut butter and Marmite, had white rolls with cheese and onion/balsamic vinegar relish for lunch and didn't drink enough water. In other words went back to what I would have eaten last weekend.
First off, both the coffee and the bread tasted awful. I struggled to get it down. It was bitter, too sweet, felt fake. And this from a bread & coffee former-addict!
Then, by 11:00 I was feeling dizzy and sluggish. Post-lunch had the urge to lay down, but couldn't sleep. Have been restless and angsty-feeling ever since.
And that's just 2 meals off from what I was eating yesterday!
It's a definite - I'm sticking to the healthy options from now on. I've felt a whole lot better this week, with more energy, sleeping well, and I've even lost enough width as a side-effect to make my clothes a whole lot looser! Not that I was aiming for that, but it's cool, I ain't complaining.
Now that my fridge and cupboards and veg rack are stocked up with good stuff, I'm staying with it. It may be a bit more pricey in some ways - the nuts I'm using as a main protein source are not cheap, nor is organic honey for sweetening the tea and Weetbix. But we did only use 2 loaves out of the 4 I bought last week, and 2 litres milk out of the usual 6. So there are other savings.
Out with toxic eating, in with the good stuff!
But, as a side-note, I find myself in a bit of another dilemma, a toxic one. You see, if I'm going to be changing my circumstances, I will need to project the image required (along with a small wardrobe update). I was going to leave the hair colour well alone - just the smell makes me feel ill - but I may have to give it one shot toward what it appears to be doing (blonde-ish), just to make it look presentable and get where I need to be. If I do, it's going to be the last, and it's going to be the least toxic method I can find. From there on out, it can do it's own thing.
So here's to a poison-diminished life. The less toxins, the better.
An Odd Pilgrimage
I woke up this morning with a singlar thought in my head - and it's that I should do the El Camino de Santiago. The entire month-long 900km pilgrimage walk.I have no idea why!
I was deeply religious a few years ago - this would be the day each week where I'd trundle off to church like a good girl, leading worship and kid's church, wearing out the fingers on a piano and being completely involved in all the rituals that go along with church attendance. I was enthusiastic about God and Christianity and Worship and all those good religious things.
Now I'm "more spiritual than religious", as many websites put it (especially those scary dating ones, which I like to look at for fun sometimes, to see if I can spot the desperation in their eyes... :) ). Wherever the spiritual part of me is headed, it's a lot more open to the world in general - to many different views and beliefs, to those from a variety of walks of life, and to the possibility that doubt is a good thing.
I wouldn't be walking it for religious reasons, I'm sure. Though I may find a spiritual connection along the road.
I've read Solbeam's account of her journey. Another traveller who sees things from many angles, and notes the value in all - living or inanimate. She found a few amazing truths in her openness to the messages life sends.
I wouldn't be walking it because I'm fit (yet) or a manic hiker. I wouldn't be walking it for the challenge of starting and finishing.
Perhaps what attracts me to the concept of this pilgrimage is a chance to still the heart and soul, to let the rhythm of feet aid in the turning over of the mind, to find where my heart must be, and to awaken my eyes to the possibilities the world holds with open hands for me, to connect with other ramblers on the journey. 30 days of walking, 900km - that's a whole lot of time and space in which to sort out a head that gets too regularly confused. It's a chance to find new purpose, direction and strength along with the blisters and vistas.
I've been online today doing a bit of research into what's required in terms of equipment, cash, time and planning. It would take some doing for me to accomplish. It would require a month off work and quite a bit of organization. I'm not sure if the kid would do it with me or would need a month's supervision at home while I go alone.
But it's a growing thought in the back of my head. It's often those ideas bred in the darkness of night that indicate signposts forward...
::update::
I could save airfare and simply walk from here to Bloemfontein, but somehow I don't think it will have the same effect... :)
::update 2::
The kid reckons he could do this with me (El Camino not El Bloemfontein). We'll make something of him yet!
Post-Dilemma
Remember that naval-gazing Dilemma post a few days back? Remember how I've said I tend to follow open doors and not bang my head against the closed ones?
I think my dilemma has just been solved for me. The universe has conspired to kick me out of any ruts I thought I could mosey along in for a while longer. I've been shown very clearly that it's time to move on, even if it may mean "selling my soul" for a while to achieve my dreams, or "sucking it up" and doing something I don't love. The fact is that the space I occupy now is spitting me out. It's closed ranks and I'm not going back in. I've realized it would be poisonous for me to carry on inhabiting it, although I love some aspects of it. Particularly where I live - amazing view, peace & quiet, nature all around me, safe, no commute... all those things. Unfortunately there are aspects that outweigh that, and which I can no longer deal with. Issues of trust and honesty and respect, ones I've already had to work around many times before. I feel forced out, to tell the truth - but I also know it's time to go. Things can only go downhill from here and I have more than enough to deal with already.
I had no plans this weekend. I hit it in a mellow mood, happy and content and looking forward to time out, pottering around and doing not much of anything. I now have plans (with a timeline, which I've gone on about before), and the mellow mood is somewhat soured... but it's for the best. If I don't get this one sorted, it's going to kill me. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally, socially and for my future. It's already killed me spiritually.
Just wish I could do it without a bitter taste in the mouth.
I think my dilemma has just been solved for me. The universe has conspired to kick me out of any ruts I thought I could mosey along in for a while longer. I've been shown very clearly that it's time to move on, even if it may mean "selling my soul" for a while to achieve my dreams, or "sucking it up" and doing something I don't love. The fact is that the space I occupy now is spitting me out. It's closed ranks and I'm not going back in. I've realized it would be poisonous for me to carry on inhabiting it, although I love some aspects of it. Particularly where I live - amazing view, peace & quiet, nature all around me, safe, no commute... all those things. Unfortunately there are aspects that outweigh that, and which I can no longer deal with. Issues of trust and honesty and respect, ones I've already had to work around many times before. I feel forced out, to tell the truth - but I also know it's time to go. Things can only go downhill from here and I have more than enough to deal with already.
I had no plans this weekend. I hit it in a mellow mood, happy and content and looking forward to time out, pottering around and doing not much of anything. I now have plans (with a timeline, which I've gone on about before), and the mellow mood is somewhat soured... but it's for the best. If I don't get this one sorted, it's going to kill me. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally, socially and for my future. It's already killed me spiritually.
Just wish I could do it without a bitter taste in the mouth.
Good People
Perhaps it's a "pay it foward" thing, but I've noticed that if you expect good in people, they'll pull through for you. If you, on the other hand, treat everyone with suspicion, you're going to get treated with mistrust yourself.
There are still good folk in the world - I've run into quite a few of them this week. The Landy guy and the Alternator guy are just two - the latter having just called to say he's fixed the issues and is charging me barely enough for a few loaves of bread! :)
There is good in the world, and I'm realizing more and more that you get the world that you perceive. It's "do unto others" in every aspect of life. Got a colleague you don't get along with? Start treating them well, and pretty soon they'll return the favour. Bad customer service? Be the perfect customer, do what you can to ease the situation - and you'll be treated better.
I have a couple of acqaintences that are permanently negative. They will find something to complain about in the best of situations. If you walk past them in conversation with another, it's like listening to poison dripping. I have yet to hear any tone of voice other than the confidentially-whiney one that seems to be their natural way of talking. And guess what - they seem to attract "bad luck"! If something can go wrong, it will happen to them.
It may sound a bit Pollyana-ish, but you really do get what you give, and "spreading sunshine" ends up lighting up your own life. Being morose only attracts storm clouds.
Robert had something to say yesterday about being the change you want to see, taking the lead. He's spot-on. And I'm convinced you can easily influence every aspect of life that grates on you by dropping the pessimism and becoming the type of person you'd like to surround yourself with. It's a ripple effect.
Give it a try! The results may amaze you.
There are still good folk in the world - I've run into quite a few of them this week. The Landy guy and the Alternator guy are just two - the latter having just called to say he's fixed the issues and is charging me barely enough for a few loaves of bread! :)
There is good in the world, and I'm realizing more and more that you get the world that you perceive. It's "do unto others" in every aspect of life. Got a colleague you don't get along with? Start treating them well, and pretty soon they'll return the favour. Bad customer service? Be the perfect customer, do what you can to ease the situation - and you'll be treated better.
I have a couple of acqaintences that are permanently negative. They will find something to complain about in the best of situations. If you walk past them in conversation with another, it's like listening to poison dripping. I have yet to hear any tone of voice other than the confidentially-whiney one that seems to be their natural way of talking. And guess what - they seem to attract "bad luck"! If something can go wrong, it will happen to them.
It may sound a bit Pollyana-ish, but you really do get what you give, and "spreading sunshine" ends up lighting up your own life. Being morose only attracts storm clouds.
Robert had something to say yesterday about being the change you want to see, taking the lead. He's spot-on. And I'm convinced you can easily influence every aspect of life that grates on you by dropping the pessimism and becoming the type of person you'd like to surround yourself with. It's a ripple effect.
Give it a try! The results may amaze you.
Out and About
It's easy to forget how isolated one can be living behind security gates in the same community where you work and (if applicable) go to church. The mad dash to the shops is like a foray into the wilds - you keep your eyes open, head down, and get it over with as soon as you've done the hunter-gathering thing, then retreat to safety again.
Safety - yes, there is that. It's like living in the past. I've left my car unlocked for a few years when the one lock was broken, and at least twice left the entire bunch of office and house and car keys hanging in the front door overnight. Our door is always open in summer, with no burglar bars or security gate. The kid stays home alone over holidays without fear, and runs off to his friend without locking up - the only thing he does is ensure the dogs are kicked out. It's a bit of a la-la land for South Africa, to tell the truth.
Because I've noticed how security concious folk are outside these gates. I've been getting out to meet the locals, quite by accident, and all thanks to fixing up an engine to make it go again.
The Landy bloke from yesterday was talking to a neighbour from behind locked gates when I arrived, and even then had to unlock the house to enter it when we went looking for an alternator.
Today I met an auto-electrician in a quieter part of town, who works out of his garage. Still there are high fences and tight gates surrounding his yard. They were open when I arrived, but don't stay that way when no-one's home.
It's been eye-opening for me. We're thinking of a move to an area outside of the gates, away from where we've lived for 11 years. We're going to have to jack up the way we do things, how we look after our property and ourselves. We'll have to learn to lock up and set alarms and check for folk who may not be as innocent as they seem passing by.
In the meantime though, I'm having fun getting to know a wide variety of very interesting people, just down the road! And garnering knowledge about everything from bushes (not the kind you water, but the kind that help an alternator along) to who owns what (Landies, of course).
About time we exited the enclave and met the locals...
Safety - yes, there is that. It's like living in the past. I've left my car unlocked for a few years when the one lock was broken, and at least twice left the entire bunch of office and house and car keys hanging in the front door overnight. Our door is always open in summer, with no burglar bars or security gate. The kid stays home alone over holidays without fear, and runs off to his friend without locking up - the only thing he does is ensure the dogs are kicked out. It's a bit of a la-la land for South Africa, to tell the truth.
Because I've noticed how security concious folk are outside these gates. I've been getting out to meet the locals, quite by accident, and all thanks to fixing up an engine to make it go again.
The Landy bloke from yesterday was talking to a neighbour from behind locked gates when I arrived, and even then had to unlock the house to enter it when we went looking for an alternator.
Today I met an auto-electrician in a quieter part of town, who works out of his garage. Still there are high fences and tight gates surrounding his yard. They were open when I arrived, but don't stay that way when no-one's home.
It's been eye-opening for me. We're thinking of a move to an area outside of the gates, away from where we've lived for 11 years. We're going to have to jack up the way we do things, how we look after our property and ourselves. We'll have to learn to lock up and set alarms and check for folk who may not be as innocent as they seem passing by.
In the meantime though, I'm having fun getting to know a wide variety of very interesting people, just down the road! And garnering knowledge about everything from bushes (not the kind you water, but the kind that help an alternator along) to who owns what (Landies, of course).
About time we exited the enclave and met the locals...
Olivia
Wondering where all my Olivia ramblings are lately? They're over here. All things travel and Olivia in one place.
Bugs on a Bush
On my (brief) walk to work every day, I pass a hedge overhanging the path. In winter I skirt it carefully to avoid a drenching. In summer the branches are scratchy and leafy. But in spring... ah spring! .. the entire hedge is a mass of tiny white flowers. The kid reckons it looks like snow and he's not far off.Later in the day, when the sun has warmed the flowers, the hedge comes alive with tiny flying bugs. Small fly-like ones, the inevitable rose beetles, and my favourites - the jewel bugs. You won't spot them if you rush past. You won't see them if you just glance at the blossoms. They take time to spot, but once you do they're worth it.
Tiny flying flashes of blue-green colour, irridescent in sun or shade. They're only one of the rewards for taking your time and literally stopping to smell the flowers along the way.
Dilemma
Navel-gazing post again - my apologies in advance! :)
I'm sitting on the spikey horns of a dilemma. Do I suck it up and go back into a line of work that I loathe - but it will pay well, and will enable me to accomplish some dreams that take cash? Do I stay where I am and continue to save on commuting/schooling - but shrivel up and die inside, and cope even less financially? Or is there some third option I'm just not seeing?
It all revolves around this set of choices.
First option - and I could end up stuck on a path I really don't want, caught up in a lifestyle that isn't really me and putting on a face that doesn't match my insides. I may have cash for a change though.
Second option - I know what I'm dealing with, but I don't think I can do it much longer.
Third option - will someone please send me an Oracle?
Inaction may be worse than action in the wrong direction, but I don't want to make a huge mistake on this one. I've reached a stage in life where I can't reconcile putting on a face yet hating it, with the real person I know myself to be. It's boiled over into non-conformity in some areas already.
If it were just me - without someone else I'm responsible to (the kid) - I could take chances, BIG chances, and test many waters before diving in to the one that's best. OK, we could live in Olivia if we had to, but there are opportunities I can't let slide for him and he needs stability at the age he's at. Teen years are difficult enough to get through without being uprooted, not having a safe place to fall back on. He's not a conventional teen, but I'm not going to make it more difficult than it needs to be.
So I'm sitting on these hard, sharp dilemma horns. Do I betray my soul for financial stability or a continuing rut-existance, or do I live authentically and take what life throws my way? How - exactly - do I go about the latter?
I'm sitting on the spikey horns of a dilemma. Do I suck it up and go back into a line of work that I loathe - but it will pay well, and will enable me to accomplish some dreams that take cash? Do I stay where I am and continue to save on commuting/schooling - but shrivel up and die inside, and cope even less financially? Or is there some third option I'm just not seeing?
It all revolves around this set of choices.
First option - and I could end up stuck on a path I really don't want, caught up in a lifestyle that isn't really me and putting on a face that doesn't match my insides. I may have cash for a change though.
Second option - I know what I'm dealing with, but I don't think I can do it much longer.
Third option - will someone please send me an Oracle?
Inaction may be worse than action in the wrong direction, but I don't want to make a huge mistake on this one. I've reached a stage in life where I can't reconcile putting on a face yet hating it, with the real person I know myself to be. It's boiled over into non-conformity in some areas already.
If it were just me - without someone else I'm responsible to (the kid) - I could take chances, BIG chances, and test many waters before diving in to the one that's best. OK, we could live in Olivia if we had to, but there are opportunities I can't let slide for him and he needs stability at the age he's at. Teen years are difficult enough to get through without being uprooted, not having a safe place to fall back on. He's not a conventional teen, but I'm not going to make it more difficult than it needs to be.
So I'm sitting on these hard, sharp dilemma horns. Do I betray my soul for financial stability or a continuing rut-existance, or do I live authentically and take what life throws my way? How - exactly - do I go about the latter?
I (wish I) Had a Farm in Africa
Dammit - that Olive Farm near Upington is still for sale! I was looking at it and wishing about a year ago, and it's still seeking a new owner. By the way - you can see it on Google Earth as one of the Mega Flyby Images...
I wonder if that incredible place in a gorge cut through by a river is still on the market? Probably not.
And what, you may wonder, am I doing trawling agricultural sale sites (again)?
Well, I'm back to that "buy a farm" urge today. Sitting in an office while the sun shines outside, while everything is bursting with life and flower will do that to you. There's plenty out there to drool over too, but of course all way out of my budget range (which currently stands at about R300, not the millions required! :) ).
It's crazy - I feel like I've been circling this dream all my life. Starting with growing up "wild" in Zimbabwe, having grandparents and ancestors even further back who farm, a desire to have a place to bring family and friends to, to work with the earth, to breathe deeply, live sustainably, and even help save the planet... There's a part of me that knows one day it has to happen. Smallholding, farm, reams of blank land - it's what I crave, the bigger the better (except that I don't want the world). A place to live in the house permanently inhabiting my imagination.
As always finances hold me back. They keep me in check when it comes to every dream I've dreamt Big. Too often it feels like wading in molasses, getting nowhere, getting frustrated, while those dreams stay firmly out of my reach.
Which is where the daydreaming and site-surfing come in. Wishing and imagining that I could actually up and buy that one, or this one, without going into debt. If my odds weren't so awful, I'd buy a lotto ticket immediately! :)
I wonder if that incredible place in a gorge cut through by a river is still on the market? Probably not.
And what, you may wonder, am I doing trawling agricultural sale sites (again)?
Well, I'm back to that "buy a farm" urge today. Sitting in an office while the sun shines outside, while everything is bursting with life and flower will do that to you. There's plenty out there to drool over too, but of course all way out of my budget range (which currently stands at about R300, not the millions required! :) ).
It's crazy - I feel like I've been circling this dream all my life. Starting with growing up "wild" in Zimbabwe, having grandparents and ancestors even further back who farm, a desire to have a place to bring family and friends to, to work with the earth, to breathe deeply, live sustainably, and even help save the planet... There's a part of me that knows one day it has to happen. Smallholding, farm, reams of blank land - it's what I crave, the bigger the better (except that I don't want the world). A place to live in the house permanently inhabiting my imagination.
As always finances hold me back. They keep me in check when it comes to every dream I've dreamt Big. Too often it feels like wading in molasses, getting nowhere, getting frustrated, while those dreams stay firmly out of my reach.
Which is where the daydreaming and site-surfing come in. Wishing and imagining that I could actually up and buy that one, or this one, without going into debt. If my odds weren't so awful, I'd buy a lotto ticket immediately! :)
I don't miss coffee
I thought I'd just state it, for the record. I last had my usual yummy filter coffee on Sunday, and I haven't missed it!
Perhaps I've missed the early morning smell and sound of things percolating (which I've always enjoyed). But I haven't had any weird no-coffee headaches or gotten very irritable or anything like that!
I'm amazed, to tell the truth.
The eating is going well too. I thought I'd starve, but haven't been overly hungry. I've had Weetbix with honey and almonds every morning (still with milk, but minimal - can't think of a decent replacement, and Weetbix is the least harmful of the things in the cupboard), and that's lasted well through the morning. Also a handful of strawberries. Lunch has been veggie full. Supper tends toward the light with a handful of cashews, another of raisins. Or a big pot of home-made mega-veg soup with dried lentils. Chammomile or honeybush or rooibos tea and honey later instead of milo and milk.
In a way I'm trying to only eat food where I know what's in it. Cutting out on sugars and fats (other than olive oil produced literally next door). Leaving off the "plastic" margarine - haven't had our usual staple bread lately either, but am thinking about trying to make sprouted bread myself (sometimes known as Essene bread).
A few days ago I read an article on the dangers of soy. A lot of folk think it's a good product, but not if it's modified and changed and genetically altered. It's a long read, but you can find it here. Of course, the flip side of reading such things is that you start to wonder if anything you eat is safe! (And then you start to wonder about things like your man-made fibre carpets, your laptop, how much pollution you produce when you go to the shops... a vicious circle, I tell ya! :) )
Food safety is one of the reasons I enjoy having a veg garden. I know what's gone into it, can get it as fresh as possible, and grow it without killing other life (yup, even them pesky snails - find other places for them or give them a share - everything has to live).
I like the phrase "mindful eating". Thinking about what you eat, like "mindful living" - thinking about how you live. Yes, it takes a lot of work. We often take for granted just how convenient our foods have become, and never read the lables on things ready-packaged. We have no clue how far it's travelled to get to us, or what the producers have done to it along the way. We don't know who grew it, or who made any of the other ingredients included. To shift that mentality to living with the seasons, eating locally, sticking to organic and things grown with care - that takes work. To consider how you prepare your food is, to some, an act of worship and thanks. And many believe that mindfulness shows up clearly in both taste and nutrition.
I'm merely beginning. I'm likely to slip back into bad habits now and then, but I do want to make the effort to consume wisely.
Not missing coffee is a step on the right road! :)
::update::
Just thinking that it's been a year since I ditched the injection. That one act resulted in some amazing stuff. Not only did my body swing back into it's lunar cycle with ease (and rediscover its hormones... eish!), but I dropped weight, lost some stress reactions, and am finally free of a trichotillomania curse that plagued me for 15 years or more. This week's good hard look at what I'm eating could be simply the next step on my slow journey toward the healthiest I can be. Seeing how my body responds to small changes is more than enough encouragement to keep going!
Perhaps I've missed the early morning smell and sound of things percolating (which I've always enjoyed). But I haven't had any weird no-coffee headaches or gotten very irritable or anything like that!
I'm amazed, to tell the truth.
The eating is going well too. I thought I'd starve, but haven't been overly hungry. I've had Weetbix with honey and almonds every morning (still with milk, but minimal - can't think of a decent replacement, and Weetbix is the least harmful of the things in the cupboard), and that's lasted well through the morning. Also a handful of strawberries. Lunch has been veggie full. Supper tends toward the light with a handful of cashews, another of raisins. Or a big pot of home-made mega-veg soup with dried lentils. Chammomile or honeybush or rooibos tea and honey later instead of milo and milk.
In a way I'm trying to only eat food where I know what's in it. Cutting out on sugars and fats (other than olive oil produced literally next door). Leaving off the "plastic" margarine - haven't had our usual staple bread lately either, but am thinking about trying to make sprouted bread myself (sometimes known as Essene bread).
A few days ago I read an article on the dangers of soy. A lot of folk think it's a good product, but not if it's modified and changed and genetically altered. It's a long read, but you can find it here. Of course, the flip side of reading such things is that you start to wonder if anything you eat is safe! (And then you start to wonder about things like your man-made fibre carpets, your laptop, how much pollution you produce when you go to the shops... a vicious circle, I tell ya! :) )
Food safety is one of the reasons I enjoy having a veg garden. I know what's gone into it, can get it as fresh as possible, and grow it without killing other life (yup, even them pesky snails - find other places for them or give them a share - everything has to live).
I like the phrase "mindful eating". Thinking about what you eat, like "mindful living" - thinking about how you live. Yes, it takes a lot of work. We often take for granted just how convenient our foods have become, and never read the lables on things ready-packaged. We have no clue how far it's travelled to get to us, or what the producers have done to it along the way. We don't know who grew it, or who made any of the other ingredients included. To shift that mentality to living with the seasons, eating locally, sticking to organic and things grown with care - that takes work. To consider how you prepare your food is, to some, an act of worship and thanks. And many believe that mindfulness shows up clearly in both taste and nutrition.
I'm merely beginning. I'm likely to slip back into bad habits now and then, but I do want to make the effort to consume wisely.
Not missing coffee is a step on the right road! :)
::update::
Just thinking that it's been a year since I ditched the injection. That one act resulted in some amazing stuff. Not only did my body swing back into it's lunar cycle with ease (and rediscover its hormones... eish!), but I dropped weight, lost some stress reactions, and am finally free of a trichotillomania curse that plagued me for 15 years or more. This week's good hard look at what I'm eating could be simply the next step on my slow journey toward the healthiest I can be. Seeing how my body responds to small changes is more than enough encouragement to keep going!
Accidental Photography
While wandering Kirstenbosch Gardens on Friday evening with the aunt, we were "stalked" by a couple of guinea-fowl, probably hoping we were carrying food. I tried to take a photo of one who dashed by my feet - and although the pic didn't turn out the way I was expecting it to, I kinda like the result!
Wake-up Call
Great excitement here today - at 6:10 this morning part of a tree fell on someone's house! No wind, nothing pushing it - it just fell. The lady of the house was in the bath, but I can imagine she wasn't there long...
We're counting our blessings. 2 hours later and the kids would have been outside. A couple of metres to the right and there would be more than just a cracked beam. It's amazing that there wasn't more damage.
But looking at the rest of the tree, the entire thing will have to come down. The heart is basically compost - held together by a few fibres on the edges. (I was dragged along to take photos for insurance, but ain't complaining! :) )
We're counting our blessings. 2 hours later and the kids would have been outside. A couple of metres to the right and there would be more than just a cracked beam. It's amazing that there wasn't more damage.
But looking at the rest of the tree, the entire thing will have to come down. The heart is basically compost - held together by a few fibres on the edges. (I was dragged along to take photos for insurance, but ain't complaining! :) )
Random thoughts on a Public Holiday
It's Heritage Day in South Africa today - a day to celebrate what your ancestors did or didn't do. My ancestors managed to lose the battle of Saratoga and continued to be seafaring men, so I have quite a lot to live up to! :)
And how have I celebrated my heritage today? Well, firstly by sleeping in until 10 while the rain poured out of a dark sky this morning.
Then by doing 3 loads of washing (before we run out of anything essential).
And finally by getting going on that better-eating plan for this week.
Being in a holiday spirit, that's about all the connected thought-process I can muster, so have some disconnected ones:
* I forgot that there's one thing about summer I truly don't like. Every morning, around 5, before it gets light, the local piet-my-vrou appears somewhere outside. Only in summer. And he ain't a quiet bird! He shouts almost continuously for the rest of the day, circling our area. Audible from way over there...
* Day one of Eat Better is going well. Didn't miss my coffee, managed to get some truly good stuff in (like the very yummy lentils with garlic and thyme I cooked up earlier) and haven't had any urges to go buy chocolate yet. In fact, I haven't been terribly hungry or missed the usual fare. Good start.
* This is going to be a very quiet week at work. Probably 5 people in total in the offices, and a chance to catch up on everything that needs it before the end of year rush strikes my position. I aim to take full advantage of it.
* Funny, but online news hasn't had a whisper of Friday afternoon's bomb scare at the Somerset Mall. I guess it wasn't that big a thing after all.
* I never realized just how bad the environmental degredation in this area was - until my botanist aunt pointed it out on Friday afternoon. We went for a stroll through Kirstenbosch gardens and got a good few reports from the field of how many things have disappeared since her last visit. Been wondering what small and big things I can do to help...
Right - back to the normal public holiday stuff. I think I may just take a nap! :)
And how have I celebrated my heritage today? Well, firstly by sleeping in until 10 while the rain poured out of a dark sky this morning.
Then by doing 3 loads of washing (before we run out of anything essential).
And finally by getting going on that better-eating plan for this week.
Being in a holiday spirit, that's about all the connected thought-process I can muster, so have some disconnected ones:
* I forgot that there's one thing about summer I truly don't like. Every morning, around 5, before it gets light, the local piet-my-vrou appears somewhere outside. Only in summer. And he ain't a quiet bird! He shouts almost continuously for the rest of the day, circling our area. Audible from way over there...
* Day one of Eat Better is going well. Didn't miss my coffee, managed to get some truly good stuff in (like the very yummy lentils with garlic and thyme I cooked up earlier) and haven't had any urges to go buy chocolate yet. In fact, I haven't been terribly hungry or missed the usual fare. Good start.
* This is going to be a very quiet week at work. Probably 5 people in total in the offices, and a chance to catch up on everything that needs it before the end of year rush strikes my position. I aim to take full advantage of it.
* Funny, but online news hasn't had a whisper of Friday afternoon's bomb scare at the Somerset Mall. I guess it wasn't that big a thing after all.
* I never realized just how bad the environmental degredation in this area was - until my botanist aunt pointed it out on Friday afternoon. We went for a stroll through Kirstenbosch gardens and got a good few reports from the field of how many things have disappeared since her last visit. Been wondering what small and big things I can do to help...
Right - back to the normal public holiday stuff. I think I may just take a nap! :)
Little things
Guys are fond of saying they don't get women, that they don't know what makes them tick. Well, boys - here's one chick who is pretty easy to understand. In fact, it doesn't take much to make me happy.
Take tonight, for example. After a day of marvellous sunshine, with the chance to be outdoors, eat both white and black mulberries fresh off the tree and let the last block of dark chocolate melt slowly in my mouth, the cherry on top has been the smell of rain - misty drifting rain seeing me off to bed.
It's the little things that matter in life. Small pleasures. Inexpensive joys - heck, free ones!
What's so hard to understand about that? :)
Take tonight, for example. After a day of marvellous sunshine, with the chance to be outdoors, eat both white and black mulberries fresh off the tree and let the last block of dark chocolate melt slowly in my mouth, the cherry on top has been the smell of rain - misty drifting rain seeing me off to bed.
It's the little things that matter in life. Small pleasures. Inexpensive joys - heck, free ones!
What's so hard to understand about that? :)
Average
For most of my life I've thought of myself as Average. Average looks, average figure, average intelligence, average just about everything.
Thinking of myself as Average has often prevented me from reaching for big things in life - that guy who was way too cute for someone as lowly as me, the job I didn't think I deserved, the dream I was unworthy to aspire to. The ghost of that mind-set follows me still, clutching at my steps and telling me I'm not good enough for the things I want, the things I dream of. It's hard to shake something like that.
Yet we're all unique. Take something as small as one's fingerprints - none other like yours in the world. A personality, a way of being, an outlook on life - we're all different, all special. It's just sometimes hard to believe deeply enough to give us that sense of immense self-worth.
And I guess that's something I've struggled with - still struggle with. I find it difficult to think that I'm worthy of all I can dream, that I have much to offer the world as simply me.
Average gets tied into just trudging through life. I'm "just" a single mom, "just" a female human, "just" someone or other, "just" this or that. Labelled, put into a defining box with a lot of other Averages.
It's a mindset I'm working to change. An attitude I need to learn to believe in - this unique, vibrant me living somewhere under the surface stuff I cautiously show the world. Above all, I need to let the real me out to play a whole lot more often and quit being scared that no-one will like it.
(Hmmm... I think I've just discovered another law of blogging: Never Blog when you should be Sleeping - you'll either get to naval gazing or start making no sense whatsoever! If this looks completely nuts in the morning light, it's going to end up deleted... :) )
Thinking of myself as Average has often prevented me from reaching for big things in life - that guy who was way too cute for someone as lowly as me, the job I didn't think I deserved, the dream I was unworthy to aspire to. The ghost of that mind-set follows me still, clutching at my steps and telling me I'm not good enough for the things I want, the things I dream of. It's hard to shake something like that.
Yet we're all unique. Take something as small as one's fingerprints - none other like yours in the world. A personality, a way of being, an outlook on life - we're all different, all special. It's just sometimes hard to believe deeply enough to give us that sense of immense self-worth.
And I guess that's something I've struggled with - still struggle with. I find it difficult to think that I'm worthy of all I can dream, that I have much to offer the world as simply me.
Average gets tied into just trudging through life. I'm "just" a single mom, "just" a female human, "just" someone or other, "just" this or that. Labelled, put into a defining box with a lot of other Averages.
It's a mindset I'm working to change. An attitude I need to learn to believe in - this unique, vibrant me living somewhere under the surface stuff I cautiously show the world. Above all, I need to let the real me out to play a whole lot more often and quit being scared that no-one will like it.
(Hmmm... I think I've just discovered another law of blogging: Never Blog when you should be Sleeping - you'll either get to naval gazing or start making no sense whatsoever! If this looks completely nuts in the morning light, it's going to end up deleted... :) )
Accident-Prone
For as long as I can remember, I've sported random bruises and scars. Constantly.
When I was a little kid I was always up trees, on bikes, riding horses, falling down and scraping my knees.... I've got a scar on one knee that was the result of a fall on tar while running across a road. When I was 5! Got a scar on the other knee from the time I tried to show off, stepped off a still-moving train with the wrong foot and wiped out in front of a carriage full of good looking blokes from the local university. There's a scar on one hand from where the stove burnt me while removing brownies from the oven. There's another small one between thumb and finger from a chisel - I was carving soapstone and missed. I somehow avoided sporting any lasting damage after being thrown from a horse at a gallop. Twice. Within 10 minutes. Same blerry horse.
Every few days I'll get into the bath and wonder where the heck that big blue-purple-green bruise came from. On the hip, or the calf, or the arm. Sometimes I can trace them - a bump into the desk, or reaching inside a car door to fix locks (and getting tangled up in the innards in the process). Sometimes it's silly mistakes like standing up abruptly under an open kitchen cabinet and seeing stars - resulting in a rather large egg on the noggin.
Today I know where I got my bruises from. And all three of them are right on top of each other on my hand! One - bathroom tap. Two - back light on Olivia (number plate recovery accident). Three - car door. I'm surprised I haven't actually cracked the bone in that particular spot.
On my other hand is a growing shadow from slamming down an ammo box on my finger at a funny angle by mistake. Almost snapped, I thought - but no, I'm lucky.
Funny thing is I haven't had any major bone breaks. I broke a baby toe on a chair once getting up to switch off the TV. I cracked my pelvis and tail bone in a near-death car crash a few years back. But no broken arms, no broken legs - and still no fillings in my teeth!
I guess I'm lucky that random bruises and scars are all I have, after all.
When I was a little kid I was always up trees, on bikes, riding horses, falling down and scraping my knees.... I've got a scar on one knee that was the result of a fall on tar while running across a road. When I was 5! Got a scar on the other knee from the time I tried to show off, stepped off a still-moving train with the wrong foot and wiped out in front of a carriage full of good looking blokes from the local university. There's a scar on one hand from where the stove burnt me while removing brownies from the oven. There's another small one between thumb and finger from a chisel - I was carving soapstone and missed. I somehow avoided sporting any lasting damage after being thrown from a horse at a gallop. Twice. Within 10 minutes. Same blerry horse.
Every few days I'll get into the bath and wonder where the heck that big blue-purple-green bruise came from. On the hip, or the calf, or the arm. Sometimes I can trace them - a bump into the desk, or reaching inside a car door to fix locks (and getting tangled up in the innards in the process). Sometimes it's silly mistakes like standing up abruptly under an open kitchen cabinet and seeing stars - resulting in a rather large egg on the noggin.
Today I know where I got my bruises from. And all three of them are right on top of each other on my hand! One - bathroom tap. Two - back light on Olivia (number plate recovery accident). Three - car door. I'm surprised I haven't actually cracked the bone in that particular spot.
On my other hand is a growing shadow from slamming down an ammo box on my finger at a funny angle by mistake. Almost snapped, I thought - but no, I'm lucky.
Funny thing is I haven't had any major bone breaks. I broke a baby toe on a chair once getting up to switch off the TV. I cracked my pelvis and tail bone in a near-death car crash a few years back. But no broken arms, no broken legs - and still no fillings in my teeth!
I guess I'm lucky that random bruises and scars are all I have, after all.
Time Out
It's a long weekend (Monday holiday) and I had high hopes to get some in-depth tasks accomplished. But it didn't start out well - we got home from our Friday night dinner near midnight, completely exhausted, and it's been a "wiped out" weekend ever since! I spent most of Saturday simply sitting around, with no energy. Today - not much better. Granted, I did the shopping we missed out on thanks to Friday's bomb scare. And got 2 1/2 things done in Olivia's engine (bolts "soaking" in Q10 overnight on the 3rd task, so I can actually move them).
It's a gorgeous day outside, perfect for a spot of mountain walking. And yet when I headed up the mountain, armed with camera, binoculars and bird book - it ended up a 1/2km drag before I simply couldn't go on. Instead I sat on a big log and took stock of what the heck is going on.
And I know what I need to do. I haven't been treating myself right. I haven't gotten enough exercise in, nor am I eating what I should be. Most meals I'm uninspired and we end up with what's easy & quick to make, not what will give us the best nutrition. We're in a bad rut, and it needs to change.
Change is hard though. It's going to take effort and committment and time. But there's no time like the present.
So here's the plan. Tomorrow I head off to our local fruit and veg shop and stock up on everything they have - whether it forms part of our normal diet or not. Lots of greenery, fruit, things with a variety of colour. I also investigate juicers. In a few minutes I'm going to Mooiberge farm stall to get 2kg of strawberries (Spring! yay... :) ). And then I'm going to sit down right in front of this screen and work out a plan I can stick to.
For the next week I need to make sure I'm getting enough water. I'm cutting out the processed foods and going home-made so I know what's in it - legumes done at home instead of the frozen vegetarian protien products, home-cooked whole grains instead of shop-bread, fruit and veggies - as much as I can eat, and every time I hit a craving. I'm giving up my coffee for the week (though I only have one mug a day, and it is my only real "sin".. :) ) in favour of green tea. I'm leaving off the dark chocolate (tradition on a Friday night as something special). I'm going to investigate local producers of organic goods (and plant that darned veggie garden for summer - in pots, in case it needs relocating). I'm going to eat the freshest stuff I can lay hands on and see what happens by the end of the week.
I'm starting with a mere week. But I aim to make this the starting block of a lifestyle change, the foundation on which I build.
I have no doubt as the toxins flush out of my system things will get worse before they get better. But it's not going to be a busy work week and I'll have the opportunity to deal with that as it happens. The rewards at the end will be worth it.
All I know is this can't go on. I have to change, now, before it's too late. And sorting out how my body functions will help me get my head around what other steps I need to take to sort out the rest of my life. Clarity of body, clarity of thought. And no more of this stodgy, slow-brain, dragging-along-body nonsense.
It's a gorgeous day outside, perfect for a spot of mountain walking. And yet when I headed up the mountain, armed with camera, binoculars and bird book - it ended up a 1/2km drag before I simply couldn't go on. Instead I sat on a big log and took stock of what the heck is going on.
And I know what I need to do. I haven't been treating myself right. I haven't gotten enough exercise in, nor am I eating what I should be. Most meals I'm uninspired and we end up with what's easy & quick to make, not what will give us the best nutrition. We're in a bad rut, and it needs to change.
Change is hard though. It's going to take effort and committment and time. But there's no time like the present.
So here's the plan. Tomorrow I head off to our local fruit and veg shop and stock up on everything they have - whether it forms part of our normal diet or not. Lots of greenery, fruit, things with a variety of colour. I also investigate juicers. In a few minutes I'm going to Mooiberge farm stall to get 2kg of strawberries (Spring! yay... :) ). And then I'm going to sit down right in front of this screen and work out a plan I can stick to.
For the next week I need to make sure I'm getting enough water. I'm cutting out the processed foods and going home-made so I know what's in it - legumes done at home instead of the frozen vegetarian protien products, home-cooked whole grains instead of shop-bread, fruit and veggies - as much as I can eat, and every time I hit a craving. I'm giving up my coffee for the week (though I only have one mug a day, and it is my only real "sin".. :) ) in favour of green tea. I'm leaving off the dark chocolate (tradition on a Friday night as something special). I'm going to investigate local producers of organic goods (and plant that darned veggie garden for summer - in pots, in case it needs relocating). I'm going to eat the freshest stuff I can lay hands on and see what happens by the end of the week.
I'm starting with a mere week. But I aim to make this the starting block of a lifestyle change, the foundation on which I build.
I have no doubt as the toxins flush out of my system things will get worse before they get better. But it's not going to be a busy work week and I'll have the opportunity to deal with that as it happens. The rewards at the end will be worth it.
All I know is this can't go on. I have to change, now, before it's too late. And sorting out how my body functions will help me get my head around what other steps I need to take to sort out the rest of my life. Clarity of body, clarity of thought. And no more of this stodgy, slow-brain, dragging-along-body nonsense.
NOW I got something to blog about!
Being payday, and the first week in ages where I didn't have to bake/cater for a Friday night... we took a wander down to our local Mall (more like city - needs its own postal code) for lunch and then a leisurely shop.
We had lunch, but as we entered the first shop on our to-do list, a voice on the speakers said: "Shoppers, kindly leave your purchases where they are, move to the nearest exit and get to the parking area - the mall is experiencing technical difficulties. This is for your safety. It is not a drill." In other words - Bomb Scare! Nicely phrased.
OK, this is South Africa, and such things should be expected now and then - but this is the first time in all my years of shopping there that we've had a bomb scare. We had a couple of power failures, but generators kicked in so no worries.
Luckily we were near an exit, and got out to where half of Somerset West was milling around - and then getting in their cars to leave. The exit next to ours was cordoned off already with police cars parked outside. Car-guard bloke said the shops would probably close for hours now, and there was nothing to it but to leave.
We were parked way on the other end of the mall, so walked across past long queues of cars trying to get out. We gave it about half an hour until most of the traffic had cleared, and sat in the car to wait (and hope there would be something interesting to photograph, perchance). A private jet did a once-over to see what the fuss was about, a couple helicopters flew by, police cars and fire trucks started to block off entrances, and we left. Still a lot of mall employees standing around, but most folk were leaving.
The roads were completely jammed! Took us half an hour to crawl the 3km to our exit. Still didn't hear any big bangs or spot a plume of smoke, so I guess we either missed it or it was all under control pretty much.
Fortunately we didn't need to buy anything urgently. We stopped at a smaller shop for our contribution to supper in Cape Town (leaving shortly), and that was it. Any other grocery stuff can be done another day.
So that's our excitement for this Friday! That and a partial solar eclipse that has everything looking a little dimmer than normal. What a strange day it's been....
(By the way, this is all my aunt's fault. The last time she was in the area and had supper at another mall, they had a bomb scare there too! She's down here again - hence supper... :) I really think we should urge her to stay in her part of the country)
We had lunch, but as we entered the first shop on our to-do list, a voice on the speakers said: "Shoppers, kindly leave your purchases where they are, move to the nearest exit and get to the parking area - the mall is experiencing technical difficulties. This is for your safety. It is not a drill." In other words - Bomb Scare! Nicely phrased.
OK, this is South Africa, and such things should be expected now and then - but this is the first time in all my years of shopping there that we've had a bomb scare. We had a couple of power failures, but generators kicked in so no worries.
Luckily we were near an exit, and got out to where half of Somerset West was milling around - and then getting in their cars to leave. The exit next to ours was cordoned off already with police cars parked outside. Car-guard bloke said the shops would probably close for hours now, and there was nothing to it but to leave.
We were parked way on the other end of the mall, so walked across past long queues of cars trying to get out. We gave it about half an hour until most of the traffic had cleared, and sat in the car to wait (and hope there would be something interesting to photograph, perchance). A private jet did a once-over to see what the fuss was about, a couple helicopters flew by, police cars and fire trucks started to block off entrances, and we left. Still a lot of mall employees standing around, but most folk were leaving.
The roads were completely jammed! Took us half an hour to crawl the 3km to our exit. Still didn't hear any big bangs or spot a plume of smoke, so I guess we either missed it or it was all under control pretty much.
Fortunately we didn't need to buy anything urgently. We stopped at a smaller shop for our contribution to supper in Cape Town (leaving shortly), and that was it. Any other grocery stuff can be done another day.
So that's our excitement for this Friday! That and a partial solar eclipse that has everything looking a little dimmer than normal. What a strange day it's been....
(By the way, this is all my aunt's fault. The last time she was in the area and had supper at another mall, they had a bomb scare there too! She's down here again - hence supper... :) I really think we should urge her to stay in her part of the country)
Photoblog
(Too busy to write... but if I make it back safely from Cape Town on the notorious N2 tonight, you can look forward to more random thoughts over the weekend!)
Virtual Life
I had a bit of a scare this morning when my office computer started to do some strange things. A couple years ago I had a huge crash and had to re-do everything (before the days of back-up - but also before the days of huge hard drives fortunately - I think my first computer had a mere 600MB!). The glitches this morning made me more than a little nervous...
Now I'm no IT pro. I know some stuff about computers, but sometimes the language is like speaking in tongues and I get lost. When funny messages pop up on my blue screen of death and the machine restarts, I worry.
So as soon as it was functioning again I started to burn CDs. All my digital photos from this year, sheet music scanned from my worship team days (hundreds of songs that took hours to rework into digital format). A folder of downloaded stuff that took 2 CDs to cover - again, hours worth of work. Still to go is a couple GBs of music.... but I'm starting to run out of CDs! :)
Fortunately all my official work files are stored on a remote machine, but they also need a bit of an update to be completely relevant. Just busy burning stuff that isn't backed up anywhere else.
In doing so I realized how much information, how much history and bits of my hobbies are electronic. I've worked my way through a pack of 10 CDs, and that's just this year's files! I did the same thing at the end of last year, and ended up with a box of CDs there too.
My blog is electronic, my photos are electronic, the music is electronic...
But on the other hand - if it all disappears what does it really matter? Yeah, I'll lose stuff, but fortunately the Real Me is not tied in to a computer or its functions. I live and breathe and exist outside of cyberspace, circuits and power supplies. Although it would be sad to lose things like my photos - well, life will still go on.
Sometimes when the power goes off and we all sit around twiddling our thumbs for a few hours, you realize that it's very easy to become dependent on technology. To tie your life up to what goes on inside a metal box or on a screen. To exist more in electronic form than Real Life.
Me, I'd rather be Real than electronic. Lift my eyes from the screen and watch swallows dip and whirl outside the window. Breathe fresh air and feel sun on my face. Those are things you simply can't back up to CD.
Now I'm no IT pro. I know some stuff about computers, but sometimes the language is like speaking in tongues and I get lost. When funny messages pop up on my blue screen of death and the machine restarts, I worry.
So as soon as it was functioning again I started to burn CDs. All my digital photos from this year, sheet music scanned from my worship team days (hundreds of songs that took hours to rework into digital format). A folder of downloaded stuff that took 2 CDs to cover - again, hours worth of work. Still to go is a couple GBs of music.... but I'm starting to run out of CDs! :)
Fortunately all my official work files are stored on a remote machine, but they also need a bit of an update to be completely relevant. Just busy burning stuff that isn't backed up anywhere else.
In doing so I realized how much information, how much history and bits of my hobbies are electronic. I've worked my way through a pack of 10 CDs, and that's just this year's files! I did the same thing at the end of last year, and ended up with a box of CDs there too.
My blog is electronic, my photos are electronic, the music is electronic...
But on the other hand - if it all disappears what does it really matter? Yeah, I'll lose stuff, but fortunately the Real Me is not tied in to a computer or its functions. I live and breathe and exist outside of cyberspace, circuits and power supplies. Although it would be sad to lose things like my photos - well, life will still go on.
Sometimes when the power goes off and we all sit around twiddling our thumbs for a few hours, you realize that it's very easy to become dependent on technology. To tie your life up to what goes on inside a metal box or on a screen. To exist more in electronic form than Real Life.
Me, I'd rather be Real than electronic. Lift my eyes from the screen and watch swallows dip and whirl outside the window. Breathe fresh air and feel sun on my face. Those are things you simply can't back up to CD.
What if...
If you had a fly-drive ticket to Europe and two weeks available - where would you go? What would you see? Would you want to go everywhere - or experience one area more deeply? What's the one thing you wouldn't want to miss out on?(posted in reaction to a colleagues holiday wish-list...)
On Balance
This post at Apartment Therapy has completely hit the nail on the head. There's really nothing I could add to it, just go read it.
Early Retirement
On my to-do list forever has been "Retire by 40". Retire, as in kick the 8-5 working day in the teeth and go do something interesting/fulfilling with my life.
This morning's Lonely Planet email update has someone considering doing exactly that! Cool...
Going to spend quite a bit of time checking that one out, and thinking - yet again - how I can make my to-do happen.
This morning's Lonely Planet email update has someone considering doing exactly that! Cool...
Going to spend quite a bit of time checking that one out, and thinking - yet again - how I can make my to-do happen.
A World of Weight-Loss
I don't know why people struggle to lose weight, pay thousands for pills and potions and arb pieces of equipment. I've found a really easy way to do it - well, a couple of them. And they're free! Presenting my Secrets to Weight-Loss:
* Caterer's Diet: Cook lots of fancy foods for a few hundred people, a few times a week. Forget to eat.
* Winter Woolies Diet: Get sick - flu or any other germ that requires bedrest will do. Forget to eat.
* Computer Diet: Get blogging, surfing, updating websites and chatting. Forget to eat.
* Landy-Fixing Diet: Get under your Land Rover, get your hands greasy, get side-tracked (start one task but end up doing a whole lot more). Forget to eat.
* Workers Diet: Start a long complicated task. Lose track of time. Forget to eat.
* Weekend Couch Potato Diet: Spend the weekend watching movies, or lying around the house. Forget to eat.
See - it's easy! Within a week you'll notice your clothes are a whole lot looser.
WARNING: not recommended for those who like to totter around in high heels. May cause dizziness and associated scraped knees.
* Caterer's Diet: Cook lots of fancy foods for a few hundred people, a few times a week. Forget to eat.
* Winter Woolies Diet: Get sick - flu or any other germ that requires bedrest will do. Forget to eat.
* Computer Diet: Get blogging, surfing, updating websites and chatting. Forget to eat.
* Landy-Fixing Diet: Get under your Land Rover, get your hands greasy, get side-tracked (start one task but end up doing a whole lot more). Forget to eat.
* Workers Diet: Start a long complicated task. Lose track of time. Forget to eat.
* Weekend Couch Potato Diet: Spend the weekend watching movies, or lying around the house. Forget to eat.
See - it's easy! Within a week you'll notice your clothes are a whole lot looser.
WARNING: not recommended for those who like to totter around in high heels. May cause dizziness and associated scraped knees.
antiFreedom
As I mentioned, the Quiz post below is a bit of an introduction to this one. The reason I posted it first? I suspected it would be hard to identify just what rules those are as relates to a specific time, place or culture (unless you're Kyknoord, who appears to be a veritable fountain - nay, waterfall! - of obscure knowledge!).
In truth, these are indeed the principles of Maat, found while researching the concept of Goddess a while back (which is fodder for a whole week of posts!). I found it fascinating how most - if not all of - these principles could extend across cultures and nations, times and civilizations as a way in which humanity could live in harmony. By the way, the link gives another side to the story of the Hebrew Exodus... :)
So why post this list? Well, I've been thinking Freedom lately.
A while back my journey took me away from the "closed" religious culture I'd grown up in. By taking that step back I got a whole new perspective that soon extended to other aspects of life. In a way, I began to question everything I believed or assumed I knew, testing it to see whether it was simply an accepted tradition I'd adopted without asking why, or whether it had some value for me as an indiviual that would affirm my belief in it. I literally threw all my views out the window, wiped the slate clean and started from scratch. (It's funny how one's upbringing still colours things though - you can never truly escape a bred-in point of view) I started to ask why I had conformed to the expectations of others in so many ways, and whether it was truly who I knew myself to be. Many times the answer came up a resounding "No".
Unfortunately this has also made me realize how many people are stuck in a pattern of servitude without realizing it. How they conform without question, supress their souls for the sake of sameness, and then turn around and impose that on the next bloke in the queue.
Also unfortunately, this questioning has made me a bit of a rebel to some. I will no longer bow the knee, can't see the logic behind it - and it scares the heck out of more than a few people.
Here's some of the freedom issues I've been pondering lately:
* Religion: Why does any one group get to tell everyone else they're wrong? Why do they seek to impose their view of God, the universe, the laws - instead of letting everyone find their own path? I'm not just talking major religion differences here (for example the rifts that often form between Christianity and Islam), but the cracks that seperate groups within a belief framework - the fundamentalists from the not-so-fundamentals etc. My perspective - each to his own. What's right for me may be wrong for you, and I seriously doubt any one person or group has exclusive rights to Truth! Let each live according to the light they find - whether it be Christianity, Islam, Paganism or any other of the million paths out there. Respect the fact that you cannot see through their eyes or tread their paths - and don't try force your way on them. I think this is where my issues with "evangelism" come in. Yeah, by all means share the light you've found, but don't keep score of "conversions" and don't guilt people into your path. Don't assume they're wrong, or lacking, or lost, or without hope. Sure - some may be, and you may be able to help them stand upright. But then let them find their own journey! Oh, and while I'm at it (and this is addressed to my fundamental friends, who run a school and have banned the high school dance in favour of a banquet - again) - what's wrong with dancing?
* Work (and here we're getting into dangerous territory, that may have me labelled anti-social, as in not conforming to society! :) ): Why is it that you have to shun the natural flow of the days and months, to be at a specific location at a specific time, work all the life out of you while the day ticks by, fit yourself into a role that determines how important a human you are based on job title and/or cash, but personal strengths - and then end your day too exhausted to lift your eyes to the beauty of the world around you? Why do you have to tell 3 different people if you're about to go home sick, and still be made to feel guilty for the fact that your body has given out and needs rest? Instead - how about trusting those you pay that they will take pride in their work enough to get it done. Not only within the time needed, but also to the best of their ability. Consider allowing people to do good work in rhythm with the way their bodies function - resting when needed, putting in extra effort when required, taking time to breathe and think and restore before plunging renewed into the tasks at hand. Don't place some humans further up an imaginary scale of importance at the expense of others, nor allow them to misuse power. Allow freedom and trust to work for you, instead of trying to herd cats. Forget office hours - let task fulfilment be the norm.
* Education (the biggie!): Who says what you know is what everyone else should know in order to live effectively? It may be useful in your life - but to me is just so much talk. Information fluff. But hey - perhaps education is all about passing on as much information as possible and letting you pick and choose what works for you. If so - why the exams? Then there's this "sit up and shut up" thing. Personally, I learn more if I talk about something. Just listening, no interaction - that's a recipe for it going in one ear and out the other! As for sitting still all day - ever heard of "numb bum syndrome"? Then there's the inane pedantic rules (don't walk on the grass, don't pee until break time), the uncomfortable impractical uniforms, the punishments (lines - enough to put you off writing for life!), the homework (negating the opportunity for you to learn how to work around the home, as all your time is spent doing exactly what you did for the 6 hours in school, only in a more exhausted state). OK, I realize that if you gave them all freedom, the kids would probably run around all day going nuts. I know I would, at least at first. Then I'd find someone interesting and hang out a bit - picking their brains as they pick mine, or getting my hands dirty trying stuff to see what happens (so what if we blow up the science block). I'd quit running around and become a civilized learner. And so would every other kid, including the bully ones that scare you. And those who have been medicated into a line of sameness. And those who never say a word in class.
* Information: There's little that riles me quite as much as having a "this page has been blocked by ---- (whatever programme is currently in vogue)" when I'm online. Why do other people get to determine what I can and can't see, read or learn? And why cap the amount of information allowed to flow to my screen each month? Not so long ago it was books being burned. Bibles printed only in Latin so commoners couldn't understand them. I can understand that some parents don't want their kids exposed to naked flesh in all its forms, and if they wish to limit what they see themselves - then by all means do so. But if one is hungry for information, or wishes to have an open mind, or tries to go outside a comfort zone to see how others see things - to have that option blocked gets under my skin. Schools do it too - a local primary school screens the library books so nothing non-mild gets through. Textbooks are kept tamed, views that differ from the norm never aired, banned from discussion. Why not let us choose for ourselves? Let us experience the world online and off in all its many colours, and then decide what is right for our brains to absorb, our eyes to see?
* Society in general: Much of society seems tied up in things that relate to one of the three above. Perhaps it's a church trying to run a country, or a particular model of work (and by default way of life) that is seen as ideal. But where is the room for individuals? Let's say we all went back to those 42 laws from Pagan Egypt of 5,000 years ago. They're basically still valid in that they require us to respect each other, respect the world around us, and respect our God/gods. A bit of "do unto others" with a touch of "live and let live"? And yet society seems to like clambouring over each other - dictating what an ethnic group, a cultural group, a people divided by imaginary borders, even your neighbours can and can't do. Those who are gay are supressed by those who are heterosexual. The black oppress the white or the white oppress the black. Tribes kill each other without really knowing why. Those who are for free sex are judged by those who are for celibacy. A dominant religion invokes its own perspectives on everything from crime to what you get to wear. And I ask why it has to be like this. Where is the freedom to be who and what we are, to live and move and have our being in the way that is right for us?
I'm running out of words, I've probably lost your interest way back around paragraph 3, but all this and more is running through my head as I try to find a future that allows me to feel free, to live free, and to respect the rights of others to do so too.
In truth, these are indeed the principles of Maat, found while researching the concept of Goddess a while back (which is fodder for a whole week of posts!). I found it fascinating how most - if not all of - these principles could extend across cultures and nations, times and civilizations as a way in which humanity could live in harmony. By the way, the link gives another side to the story of the Hebrew Exodus... :)
So why post this list? Well, I've been thinking Freedom lately.
A while back my journey took me away from the "closed" religious culture I'd grown up in. By taking that step back I got a whole new perspective that soon extended to other aspects of life. In a way, I began to question everything I believed or assumed I knew, testing it to see whether it was simply an accepted tradition I'd adopted without asking why, or whether it had some value for me as an indiviual that would affirm my belief in it. I literally threw all my views out the window, wiped the slate clean and started from scratch. (It's funny how one's upbringing still colours things though - you can never truly escape a bred-in point of view) I started to ask why I had conformed to the expectations of others in so many ways, and whether it was truly who I knew myself to be. Many times the answer came up a resounding "No".
Unfortunately this has also made me realize how many people are stuck in a pattern of servitude without realizing it. How they conform without question, supress their souls for the sake of sameness, and then turn around and impose that on the next bloke in the queue.
Also unfortunately, this questioning has made me a bit of a rebel to some. I will no longer bow the knee, can't see the logic behind it - and it scares the heck out of more than a few people.
Here's some of the freedom issues I've been pondering lately:
* Religion: Why does any one group get to tell everyone else they're wrong? Why do they seek to impose their view of God, the universe, the laws - instead of letting everyone find their own path? I'm not just talking major religion differences here (for example the rifts that often form between Christianity and Islam), but the cracks that seperate groups within a belief framework - the fundamentalists from the not-so-fundamentals etc. My perspective - each to his own. What's right for me may be wrong for you, and I seriously doubt any one person or group has exclusive rights to Truth! Let each live according to the light they find - whether it be Christianity, Islam, Paganism or any other of the million paths out there. Respect the fact that you cannot see through their eyes or tread their paths - and don't try force your way on them. I think this is where my issues with "evangelism" come in. Yeah, by all means share the light you've found, but don't keep score of "conversions" and don't guilt people into your path. Don't assume they're wrong, or lacking, or lost, or without hope. Sure - some may be, and you may be able to help them stand upright. But then let them find their own journey! Oh, and while I'm at it (and this is addressed to my fundamental friends, who run a school and have banned the high school dance in favour of a banquet - again) - what's wrong with dancing?
* Work (and here we're getting into dangerous territory, that may have me labelled anti-social, as in not conforming to society! :) ): Why is it that you have to shun the natural flow of the days and months, to be at a specific location at a specific time, work all the life out of you while the day ticks by, fit yourself into a role that determines how important a human you are based on job title and/or cash, but personal strengths - and then end your day too exhausted to lift your eyes to the beauty of the world around you? Why do you have to tell 3 different people if you're about to go home sick, and still be made to feel guilty for the fact that your body has given out and needs rest? Instead - how about trusting those you pay that they will take pride in their work enough to get it done. Not only within the time needed, but also to the best of their ability. Consider allowing people to do good work in rhythm with the way their bodies function - resting when needed, putting in extra effort when required, taking time to breathe and think and restore before plunging renewed into the tasks at hand. Don't place some humans further up an imaginary scale of importance at the expense of others, nor allow them to misuse power. Allow freedom and trust to work for you, instead of trying to herd cats. Forget office hours - let task fulfilment be the norm.
* Education (the biggie!): Who says what you know is what everyone else should know in order to live effectively? It may be useful in your life - but to me is just so much talk. Information fluff. But hey - perhaps education is all about passing on as much information as possible and letting you pick and choose what works for you. If so - why the exams? Then there's this "sit up and shut up" thing. Personally, I learn more if I talk about something. Just listening, no interaction - that's a recipe for it going in one ear and out the other! As for sitting still all day - ever heard of "numb bum syndrome"? Then there's the inane pedantic rules (don't walk on the grass, don't pee until break time), the uncomfortable impractical uniforms, the punishments (lines - enough to put you off writing for life!), the homework (negating the opportunity for you to learn how to work around the home, as all your time is spent doing exactly what you did for the 6 hours in school, only in a more exhausted state). OK, I realize that if you gave them all freedom, the kids would probably run around all day going nuts. I know I would, at least at first. Then I'd find someone interesting and hang out a bit - picking their brains as they pick mine, or getting my hands dirty trying stuff to see what happens (so what if we blow up the science block). I'd quit running around and become a civilized learner. And so would every other kid, including the bully ones that scare you. And those who have been medicated into a line of sameness. And those who never say a word in class.
* Information: There's little that riles me quite as much as having a "this page has been blocked by ---- (whatever programme is currently in vogue)" when I'm online. Why do other people get to determine what I can and can't see, read or learn? And why cap the amount of information allowed to flow to my screen each month? Not so long ago it was books being burned. Bibles printed only in Latin so commoners couldn't understand them. I can understand that some parents don't want their kids exposed to naked flesh in all its forms, and if they wish to limit what they see themselves - then by all means do so. But if one is hungry for information, or wishes to have an open mind, or tries to go outside a comfort zone to see how others see things - to have that option blocked gets under my skin. Schools do it too - a local primary school screens the library books so nothing non-mild gets through. Textbooks are kept tamed, views that differ from the norm never aired, banned from discussion. Why not let us choose for ourselves? Let us experience the world online and off in all its many colours, and then decide what is right for our brains to absorb, our eyes to see?
* Society in general: Much of society seems tied up in things that relate to one of the three above. Perhaps it's a church trying to run a country, or a particular model of work (and by default way of life) that is seen as ideal. But where is the room for individuals? Let's say we all went back to those 42 laws from Pagan Egypt of 5,000 years ago. They're basically still valid in that they require us to respect each other, respect the world around us, and respect our God/gods. A bit of "do unto others" with a touch of "live and let live"? And yet society seems to like clambouring over each other - dictating what an ethnic group, a cultural group, a people divided by imaginary borders, even your neighbours can and can't do. Those who are gay are supressed by those who are heterosexual. The black oppress the white or the white oppress the black. Tribes kill each other without really knowing why. Those who are for free sex are judged by those who are for celibacy. A dominant religion invokes its own perspectives on everything from crime to what you get to wear. And I ask why it has to be like this. Where is the freedom to be who and what we are, to live and move and have our being in the way that is right for us?
I'm running out of words, I've probably lost your interest way back around paragraph 3, but all this and more is running through my head as I try to find a future that allows me to feel free, to live free, and to respect the rights of others to do so too.
Quiz Time
Let's see if you can guess this one (and no Googling allowed!). Where does the following come from? (Which culture, book, laws of a land or whatever) Leave your answer in the comments:
1. I have not committed murder, neither have I bid any man to slay on my behalfConsider this an introduction to a post that's been building in the head for a few weeks now, coming soon.
2. I have not committed rape, neither have I forced any woman to commit fornication;
3. I have not avenged myself, nor have I burned with rage
4. I have not caused terror, nor have I worked affliction
5. I have caused none to feel pain, nor have I worked grief
6. I have done neither harm nor ill, nor I have caused misery
7. I have done no hurt to man, nor have I wrought harm to beasts
8. I have made none to weep
9. I have had no knowledge of evil, neither have I acted wickedly, nor have I wronged the people
10. I have not stolen, neither have I taken that which does not belong to me, nor that which belongs to another, nor have I taken from the orchards, nor snatched the milk from the mouth of the babe
11. I have not defrauded, neither I have added to the weight of the balance, nor have I made light the weight in the scales
12. I have not laid waste the plowed land, nor trampled down the fields
13. I have not driven the cattle from their pastures, nor have I deprived any of that which was rightfully theirs
14. I have accused no man falsely, nor have I supported any false accusation
15. I have spoken no lies, neither have I spoken falsely to the hurt of another
16. I have never uttered fiery words, nor have I stirred up strife
17. I have not acted guilefully, neither have I dealt deceitfully, nor spoken to deceive to the hurt another
18. I have not spoken scornfully, nor have I set my lips in motion against any man;
19. I have not been an eavesdropper
20. I have not stopped my ears against the words of Right and Truth
21. I have not judged hastily, nor have I judged harshly
22. I have committed no crime in the place of Right and Truth
23. I have caused no wrong to be done to the servant by his master
24. I have not been angry without cause
25. I have not turned back water at its springtide, nor stemmed the flow of running water
26. I have not broken the channel of a running water
27. I have never fouled the water, nor have I polluted the land
28. I have not cursed nor despised God, nor have I done that which God does abominate
29. I have not vexed or angered God
30. I have not robbed God, nor have I filched that which has been offered in the temples
31. I have not added unto nor have I minished the offerings which are due
32. I have not purloined the cakes of the gods
33. I have not carried away the offerings made unto the blessed dead
34. I have not disregarded the season for the offerings which are appointed
35. I have not turned away the cattle set apart for sacrifice
36. I have not thwarted the processions of the god
37. I have not slaughtered with evil intent the cattle of the god
38. I have not acted guilefully nor have I acted in insolence
39. I have not been overly proud, nor have I behaved myself with arrogance
40. I have never magnified my condition beyond what was fitting
41. Each day have I labored more than was required of me
42. My name has not come forth to the boat of the Prince
Monday Strikes - Hard
I should really have stayed in bed today. There's an unspoken rule that one should never blog sick/angry/drunk/etc - so writing this may be breaking a law for all I know.
I've been "coming down with something" since Friday, which left me in a state of frustration. I had a lot of stuff I wanted to do this weekend, and did none of it. I couldn't get up the energy or the enthusiasm. I had a mind in turmoil over parenting issues, future issues and things I'm trying to work past internally. So it wasn't the best of weekends... but it was a weekend.
Today I've dragged myself to work in an effort to accomplish some urgent tasks, but will by no means be here the entire day. Not with burning eyeballs and a befuddled brain!
All that stuff in my head that I've wanted to write about is just going to have to wait.
I've been "coming down with something" since Friday, which left me in a state of frustration. I had a lot of stuff I wanted to do this weekend, and did none of it. I couldn't get up the energy or the enthusiasm. I had a mind in turmoil over parenting issues, future issues and things I'm trying to work past internally. So it wasn't the best of weekends... but it was a weekend.
Today I've dragged myself to work in an effort to accomplish some urgent tasks, but will by no means be here the entire day. Not with burning eyeballs and a befuddled brain!
All that stuff in my head that I've wanted to write about is just going to have to wait.
SpringSummerAutumnWinter
Amazing... Yesterday the plum tree I walk past every morning on the way to work had no blossoms, only buds. Today it's blooming all over!
I took a long walk in the field above my house yesterday with the camera, but was so busy looking at things I didn't get many shots in. The entire field is filled with purple flowers, pink clover flowers, yellow flowers, tiny white flowers, and all the gaps filled in with green. The track is nearly grown over with exuberant abundance, and everywhere there are birds.
Down toward civilization the fig trees have sprouted leaves and figs. The plum, almond and apricot trees are blossoming with green poking through. My white mulberry is laden with fruit, and the Cape White-eyes are munching it already as it ripens. The arums are more flower than leaf. All proof that it's Spring!
And yet this morning it's winter again. Huge rain downpour just after the kid hit school had me standing out on my verandah with my coffee, soaking up the smell of rain, the moisture flung in barely-there mist from the falling drops. We're in for more this weekend, another cold front - winter again.
Summer will get here eventually - it's the contrast that makes it worth the wait, that makes one appreciate each season as it arrives.
But this morning it was soul-drenching just to stand quietly and watch the rain pour off trees bursting with flower.
I took a long walk in the field above my house yesterday with the camera, but was so busy looking at things I didn't get many shots in. The entire field is filled with purple flowers, pink clover flowers, yellow flowers, tiny white flowers, and all the gaps filled in with green. The track is nearly grown over with exuberant abundance, and everywhere there are birds.
Down toward civilization the fig trees have sprouted leaves and figs. The plum, almond and apricot trees are blossoming with green poking through. My white mulberry is laden with fruit, and the Cape White-eyes are munching it already as it ripens. The arums are more flower than leaf. All proof that it's Spring!
And yet this morning it's winter again. Huge rain downpour just after the kid hit school had me standing out on my verandah with my coffee, soaking up the smell of rain, the moisture flung in barely-there mist from the falling drops. We're in for more this weekend, another cold front - winter again.
Summer will get here eventually - it's the contrast that makes it worth the wait, that makes one appreciate each season as it arrives.
But this morning it was soul-drenching just to stand quietly and watch the rain pour off trees bursting with flower.
Single
As much as I really enjoy being an independant chick, who can handle her own life (thank you very much) and doesn't need someone to "complete me".... there are days when I really miss the option for a good vry*. :)
* Don't know what a vry is? Ask your nearest South African. They may even demonstrate for you!
* Don't know what a vry is? Ask your nearest South African. They may even demonstrate for you!
Hair Poll Results
Now that the hair-colour post has moved on to archives, here are the results. Of 17 votes:
* Blonde: 4 votes
* Red-head: 5 votes
* Goth-black: 1 vote
* Do nothing: 4 votes
* Shave it off: 3 votes
So what am I going to do? Well at the moment most of it is still quite red, more noticeable in sunlight. I'll keep it a bit longer and not re-dye it. But I know that with summer and heading outdoors more, I'm going to start getting the sun-bleached look again. Already my hair is lighter around the hairline than at the ends, making for an "interesting" look if you do an up-close examination. There's a heck of a lot of greys coming through... every one of them with someone's name on... :)
So when summer finally hits I'll probably give it one more push toward a lighter colour (ie the normal blonde, albiet a bit mousey), a good trim, and then let it do its thing. Those greys? Consider them natural highlights.
* Blonde: 4 votes
* Red-head: 5 votes
* Goth-black: 1 vote
* Do nothing: 4 votes
* Shave it off: 3 votes
So what am I going to do? Well at the moment most of it is still quite red, more noticeable in sunlight. I'll keep it a bit longer and not re-dye it. But I know that with summer and heading outdoors more, I'm going to start getting the sun-bleached look again. Already my hair is lighter around the hairline than at the ends, making for an "interesting" look if you do an up-close examination. There's a heck of a lot of greys coming through... every one of them with someone's name on... :)
So when summer finally hits I'll probably give it one more push toward a lighter colour (ie the normal blonde, albiet a bit mousey), a good trim, and then let it do its thing. Those greys? Consider them natural highlights.
Torn & Daydreaming
I wonder if one can want too much out of life...
I subscribe to only one magazine - "House & Leisure" - more a wish-book than anything else. And every few months the entire magazine gets me drooling (October 2006 issue, case in point). I've got a huge collection of the things, having been on their list for years. I've added the UK Country Living ones to the pile too - and everything I love in them seems to follow a theme.
I've got an image of a home in my head that's been there since I was a kid. Now and then I see glimpses of parts of it in my reading matter. It's an old house, out in the country, surrounded by fields and distant hills. Big old tree with a swing in the front, small river down the bottom of the garden through long grass, orchard out the back, barn to one side. It's got wooden floors and a flagstoned kitchen, wide porch, an upstairs and a downstairs, and a big fireplace. Clear as anything, I can see it in detail. When I think of "home", that's it - yet I've never seen it anywhere. I don't know that it exists. Perhaps this home is only where the heart is?
Perusing the mags gets me longing for that place, where I can put down roots and live with the land and have space to accommodate many family and friends for lengthy visits.
On the other hand I get itchy feet. Regularly. The nomadic life appeals with a sense of going everywhere, seeing everything, and chucking in any thought of permanent roots (though journeys are often best if one has somewhere to come home to). I feel I could be out there doing many good things for others, instead of "selfishly" living in a rural area and just looking after my own happiness. Perhaps a bit altruistic, as nomadic living would be selfishly for my pleasure too...
Too often these seem like opposites. If I were to settle down, I'd never have cash handy to travel - and if I were nomadic, I'd never have cash handy to settle down! Permanent roots require responsibility to your land and animals and those who fall under your responsibility. Permanent wandering requires a grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it willingness to be posessionless and trust ultimately that things will work out.
Of course it's all just pie in the sky at the moment. I can neither afford to invest in a country property nor to chuck everything up and go nomadic. I have a son to consider and everyday responsibilities to sort out. Country properties don't come cheap.
But every now and then I indulge in a bit of daydreaming...
And then I blog it so you can wonder just what the heck goes on in my head sometimes! :)
::update::
Then I found this. And realized my image of "home" is tied up in all my soul desires. A picture of what my subconcious knows, but which often doesn't make it to the surface.
Still pondering all this and more today. Along with the many things changing in myl ife, there are aspects like how I live (lightly on the earth) and eat (concious eating needs a good hard look) that are under the spotlight.
What I really need is space, time and quiet to think it all through properly.
I subscribe to only one magazine - "House & Leisure" - more a wish-book than anything else. And every few months the entire magazine gets me drooling (October 2006 issue, case in point). I've got a huge collection of the things, having been on their list for years. I've added the UK Country Living ones to the pile too - and everything I love in them seems to follow a theme.
I've got an image of a home in my head that's been there since I was a kid. Now and then I see glimpses of parts of it in my reading matter. It's an old house, out in the country, surrounded by fields and distant hills. Big old tree with a swing in the front, small river down the bottom of the garden through long grass, orchard out the back, barn to one side. It's got wooden floors and a flagstoned kitchen, wide porch, an upstairs and a downstairs, and a big fireplace. Clear as anything, I can see it in detail. When I think of "home", that's it - yet I've never seen it anywhere. I don't know that it exists. Perhaps this home is only where the heart is?
Perusing the mags gets me longing for that place, where I can put down roots and live with the land and have space to accommodate many family and friends for lengthy visits.
On the other hand I get itchy feet. Regularly. The nomadic life appeals with a sense of going everywhere, seeing everything, and chucking in any thought of permanent roots (though journeys are often best if one has somewhere to come home to). I feel I could be out there doing many good things for others, instead of "selfishly" living in a rural area and just looking after my own happiness. Perhaps a bit altruistic, as nomadic living would be selfishly for my pleasure too...
Too often these seem like opposites. If I were to settle down, I'd never have cash handy to travel - and if I were nomadic, I'd never have cash handy to settle down! Permanent roots require responsibility to your land and animals and those who fall under your responsibility. Permanent wandering requires a grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it willingness to be posessionless and trust ultimately that things will work out.
Of course it's all just pie in the sky at the moment. I can neither afford to invest in a country property nor to chuck everything up and go nomadic. I have a son to consider and everyday responsibilities to sort out. Country properties don't come cheap.
But every now and then I indulge in a bit of daydreaming...
And then I blog it so you can wonder just what the heck goes on in my head sometimes! :)
::update::
Then I found this. And realized my image of "home" is tied up in all my soul desires. A picture of what my subconcious knows, but which often doesn't make it to the surface.
Still pondering all this and more today. Along with the many things changing in myl ife, there are aspects like how I live (lightly on the earth) and eat (concious eating needs a good hard look) that are under the spotlight.
What I really need is space, time and quiet to think it all through properly.
Back and Forth
Funny how just when you think you can head in one direction, you find out you have to go in another. The kid and I are still vascillating about the whole schooling thing. He does want to try high school for a year - but can't make up his mind if that's a definite. In the meantime I have to either pay a deposit, or ask them to hold the application for a year...
Schooling affects some of the other big changes I'm aiming for. And of course has an impact on finances - a BIG impact. That has a knock-on effect on everything else!
Today it feels a bit like I'm balancing on a tightrope. Just as I thought I was going one way, it turns out I'm going the other! Quite disorienting... :)
And yet there is still change taking place. There are areas in which I'm moving forward, with determination and a will to succeed. I still have a Plan and a Timeline, and it's still somewhat scary to contemplate at times. But forward we will go.
Today though I'm not going to spend a lot of time breaking my head over options. I'm going to get on with a few things, sort out some office stuff, complete a few personal tasks later, and continue my quest to organize the few things I have control over.
The tightrope can wait a few hours. Right now it's back to solid ground.
(and if you think I'm talking in total abstracts, you could be right - but I don't want to say too much until I have something concrete to spout forth about)
::update::
This hit-the-breaks day has been something else! I've gone from high to low in the space of a few hours, then high again. The upshot is that I've had a chance to re-examine my trajectory. And had a lighting-bolt moment when I realized that I could just have headed off in the wrong direction entirely, and another jolt when I got inspiration. I took a deep breath and realized that what I was "settling" for could have been worse than where I am.
I've done quite a bit of reading today too, initially to calm the mind, but later finding one thing after another that seemed written just for me. (That DailyOM thing has been spot-on too, frighteningly so!)
If you've kept up in the last week you might start to wonder about my mental stabliity! :) Yeah, I do set off in all sorts of directions, quite regularly. But it's only through testing waters that one finds direction. And unfortunately for you, the reader - this blog is where I test things, the dumping ground for most of what goes on in my head, the journal that allows me to pour everything out on the mat and look at it, then pack it back the way it needs to be. You'll find here a whole lot of half-formed ideas, brilliant plans that petered out and the wonderings of an occasionally confused mind. Bear with me. It's one of the reasons I blog.
Schooling affects some of the other big changes I'm aiming for. And of course has an impact on finances - a BIG impact. That has a knock-on effect on everything else!
Today it feels a bit like I'm balancing on a tightrope. Just as I thought I was going one way, it turns out I'm going the other! Quite disorienting... :)
And yet there is still change taking place. There are areas in which I'm moving forward, with determination and a will to succeed. I still have a Plan and a Timeline, and it's still somewhat scary to contemplate at times. But forward we will go.
Today though I'm not going to spend a lot of time breaking my head over options. I'm going to get on with a few things, sort out some office stuff, complete a few personal tasks later, and continue my quest to organize the few things I have control over.
The tightrope can wait a few hours. Right now it's back to solid ground.
(and if you think I'm talking in total abstracts, you could be right - but I don't want to say too much until I have something concrete to spout forth about)
::update::
This hit-the-breaks day has been something else! I've gone from high to low in the space of a few hours, then high again. The upshot is that I've had a chance to re-examine my trajectory. And had a lighting-bolt moment when I realized that I could just have headed off in the wrong direction entirely, and another jolt when I got inspiration. I took a deep breath and realized that what I was "settling" for could have been worse than where I am.
I've done quite a bit of reading today too, initially to calm the mind, but later finding one thing after another that seemed written just for me. (That DailyOM thing has been spot-on too, frighteningly so!)
If you've kept up in the last week you might start to wonder about my mental stabliity! :) Yeah, I do set off in all sorts of directions, quite regularly. But it's only through testing waters that one finds direction. And unfortunately for you, the reader - this blog is where I test things, the dumping ground for most of what goes on in my head, the journal that allows me to pour everything out on the mat and look at it, then pack it back the way it needs to be. You'll find here a whole lot of half-formed ideas, brilliant plans that petered out and the wonderings of an occasionally confused mind. Bear with me. It's one of the reasons I blog.
Fear & Trembling / Hope & Open Doors
I have an opportunity to make big change. It's just the change I've needed, but suddenly I find myself very scared!
It could happen before I've prepared for it. I may have to reorganize my life entirely, and thoroughly, and the kid's life too. It will be uncomfortable at first, that's guaranteed. It affects everything in this rut I've trod deep and wide. And yet it's what I've wanted. What I was hoping to find - just a whole lot sooner than I expected.
This morning, contemplating the possibilities - I almost ended up turning away rather than deal head-on with it. Comfy in the rut, and all that. Yet I cannot. I can't let that fear paralyze me when this could be just what is needed.
Today I'm taking some really deep breaths. Working past the fear of change and the lack of confidence in myself to handle it with panache. I'm getting there - but only because I realized that often the fear of something happening is greater than the actual event.
Wish me luck! Closing my eyes and jumping in...
::upadte::
A good lunch and a piece of fudge has been known to do wonders for the soul - and indeed it helped today. Also had a chance to sit down with the kid and test the waters as to how he sees things going down if Big Change is required (our two-person family is run as a democracy if it's something that affects both of us). He's as ready for it as I am!
I've also realized that there's never any harm in trying, and that I'm further down the road toward change than I thought I was. I've already investigated quite a few things on my long list of things to check out, and the fewer loose ends I'm left with the better I'll feel.
Funny how change comes and slaps you upside the head sometimes though...
Last weekend I was sitting thinking, and realized that much of my life has been taking what comes to me. Both jobs I've had have come looking for me, without effort on my part. There's very little I've actually gone after and acquired or achieved. But that's changing. I'm slowly getting back the sense of self required to work for what I want, what I deserve and what I need. And taking less of what is thrown my way that doesn't fit my ideal. As ever, it's a learning curve (seem to be on a whole lot of those lately). But a very good one. I know I'm going to come out stronger on the other end.
So here's to change. Big and little. And deep breaths! :)
(And one more update... if you're one to read signs, just got a small one. I think I'm headed on the right track)
It could happen before I've prepared for it. I may have to reorganize my life entirely, and thoroughly, and the kid's life too. It will be uncomfortable at first, that's guaranteed. It affects everything in this rut I've trod deep and wide. And yet it's what I've wanted. What I was hoping to find - just a whole lot sooner than I expected.
This morning, contemplating the possibilities - I almost ended up turning away rather than deal head-on with it. Comfy in the rut, and all that. Yet I cannot. I can't let that fear paralyze me when this could be just what is needed.
Today I'm taking some really deep breaths. Working past the fear of change and the lack of confidence in myself to handle it with panache. I'm getting there - but only because I realized that often the fear of something happening is greater than the actual event.
Wish me luck! Closing my eyes and jumping in...
::upadte::
A good lunch and a piece of fudge has been known to do wonders for the soul - and indeed it helped today. Also had a chance to sit down with the kid and test the waters as to how he sees things going down if Big Change is required (our two-person family is run as a democracy if it's something that affects both of us). He's as ready for it as I am!
I've also realized that there's never any harm in trying, and that I'm further down the road toward change than I thought I was. I've already investigated quite a few things on my long list of things to check out, and the fewer loose ends I'm left with the better I'll feel.
Funny how change comes and slaps you upside the head sometimes though...
Last weekend I was sitting thinking, and realized that much of my life has been taking what comes to me. Both jobs I've had have come looking for me, without effort on my part. There's very little I've actually gone after and acquired or achieved. But that's changing. I'm slowly getting back the sense of self required to work for what I want, what I deserve and what I need. And taking less of what is thrown my way that doesn't fit my ideal. As ever, it's a learning curve (seem to be on a whole lot of those lately). But a very good one. I know I'm going to come out stronger on the other end.
So here's to change. Big and little. And deep breaths! :)
(And one more update... if you're one to read signs, just got a small one. I think I'm headed on the right track)
If you leave it, they will come...
Had a bit of a surprise on my return from work today. The local garden services had been around this morning to mow down things growing outside my fence (as per the arrangement) - but by this evening they'd done inside too!
I have to admit the garden's fallen by the wayside lately. The lawn was so long we were starting to lose dogs... but I've always admired the somewhat wild vegetation look, so it wasn't bothering me that much. The arum lilies are blooming in quantity, as are my purple and white irises. There are even a few spring bulbs I forgot about coming up in a corner of the yard. Plenty to look at if you ignore the lawn.
Now I do love my garden. I couldn't survive living in a flat without ground-access, or a patch of soil in which I can bury the hands (and the compost - makes for interesting random growth of surprising plants - tomatoes in the ferns, melons under the roses) every now and then. Weeding is therapeautic, and nothing tastes better than organic tomatoes that were still growing seconds ago. The stuff in the shops is simply watery, grainy and bland after plucking the REAL thing from the earth and munching it. I enjoy grabbing herbs for my cooking, watching the roses bloom and peering at the field mice that live in the sprawling daisy bush.
But, Spring notwithstanding, it hasn't been gardening weather. Or perhaps I should rephrase that - on the days when it HAS been gardening weather, I've been tinkering with things mechanical. Matter of fact, tonight it's back to a freezing cold south-easter wind that is seeping in the windows and chilling my fingers. I hauled out the boots to wear to work and even stuck on the heating aircon all day (which plagued my eco-concience no end, but it's either that or turn blue-lipped).
So things are a bit overgrown at the moment. But leave it long enough and our orderly garden lady will swing by (hopefully without putting through a charge to my name). Pity my neighbour spent hours doing her lawn on Friday... :)
One of these days it will be summer again. I'll be out in the garden from the minute work ends until the sun is long gone. I'll wake up just after 5 and walk the dogs on the mountain when it's too hot to sleep in. I'll eat breakfast in the new sun under the white mulberry tree. I'll pick up extra freckles and a blush on my nose on a weekend. I'll spend my days in a cozzie and shorts and slops (flip-flops).
For now though, at least the lawn is cut. It's a start. And we do only have 2 dogs after all! :)
I have to admit the garden's fallen by the wayside lately. The lawn was so long we were starting to lose dogs... but I've always admired the somewhat wild vegetation look, so it wasn't bothering me that much. The arum lilies are blooming in quantity, as are my purple and white irises. There are even a few spring bulbs I forgot about coming up in a corner of the yard. Plenty to look at if you ignore the lawn.
Now I do love my garden. I couldn't survive living in a flat without ground-access, or a patch of soil in which I can bury the hands (and the compost - makes for interesting random growth of surprising plants - tomatoes in the ferns, melons under the roses) every now and then. Weeding is therapeautic, and nothing tastes better than organic tomatoes that were still growing seconds ago. The stuff in the shops is simply watery, grainy and bland after plucking the REAL thing from the earth and munching it. I enjoy grabbing herbs for my cooking, watching the roses bloom and peering at the field mice that live in the sprawling daisy bush.
But, Spring notwithstanding, it hasn't been gardening weather. Or perhaps I should rephrase that - on the days when it HAS been gardening weather, I've been tinkering with things mechanical. Matter of fact, tonight it's back to a freezing cold south-easter wind that is seeping in the windows and chilling my fingers. I hauled out the boots to wear to work and even stuck on the heating aircon all day (which plagued my eco-concience no end, but it's either that or turn blue-lipped).
So things are a bit overgrown at the moment. But leave it long enough and our orderly garden lady will swing by (hopefully without putting through a charge to my name). Pity my neighbour spent hours doing her lawn on Friday... :)
One of these days it will be summer again. I'll be out in the garden from the minute work ends until the sun is long gone. I'll wake up just after 5 and walk the dogs on the mountain when it's too hot to sleep in. I'll eat breakfast in the new sun under the white mulberry tree. I'll pick up extra freckles and a blush on my nose on a weekend. I'll spend my days in a cozzie and shorts and slops (flip-flops).
For now though, at least the lawn is cut. It's a start. And we do only have 2 dogs after all! :)
The Death of Customer Service
Perhaps it's a uniquely South African thing, but customer service here really stinks.
Our IT guys have been waiting a week for a new firewall, promised to them as a sure thing. In the meantime our access fluctuates from slow to non-existant.
Our Finance office waited for days for a Pastel bloke to turn up and correct an error, after being told he was "on the way" and "will be there by 11" for days in a row. In the meantime they can't close off the month, nor balance anything.
Deliveries are late, queries go unanswered, queues at the Motor Vehicles Department office take an hour and a half to get through (14 people in the queue), and at the Deparment of Home Affairs it takes all day to hand in a passport application form. Most folk palm you off on someone else instead of going the extra mile, so you end up pushed from one place to another, one extension to another, one day to another...
Other bloggers have moaned too - a standing joke along the Chuck Norris lines is that Steve Hofmeyer (big SA music star in many quarters) ordered an ADSL line from Telkom (local telephone company) and got it THE SAME DAY! Ask any SAfrican who has dealt with Telkom about service, and you'd better have a few hours of free time to listen.
The list of gripes goes on and on. So why is no-one doing anything about it?
Imagine if one company had a pretty good product, but then decided they would be the best customer servers you could get in the country. Imagine if they went the extra mile, got all efficient, did things when they said they would, and responded with split-second timing to queries, making it as easy for their customers as possible to do business with them.
They'd make a fortune!
So why have very few companies, and their employees, caught on? Can we make them?
Our IT guys have been waiting a week for a new firewall, promised to them as a sure thing. In the meantime our access fluctuates from slow to non-existant.
Our Finance office waited for days for a Pastel bloke to turn up and correct an error, after being told he was "on the way" and "will be there by 11" for days in a row. In the meantime they can't close off the month, nor balance anything.
Deliveries are late, queries go unanswered, queues at the Motor Vehicles Department office take an hour and a half to get through (14 people in the queue), and at the Deparment of Home Affairs it takes all day to hand in a passport application form. Most folk palm you off on someone else instead of going the extra mile, so you end up pushed from one place to another, one extension to another, one day to another...
Other bloggers have moaned too - a standing joke along the Chuck Norris lines is that Steve Hofmeyer (big SA music star in many quarters) ordered an ADSL line from Telkom (local telephone company) and got it THE SAME DAY! Ask any SAfrican who has dealt with Telkom about service, and you'd better have a few hours of free time to listen.
The list of gripes goes on and on. So why is no-one doing anything about it?
Imagine if one company had a pretty good product, but then decided they would be the best customer servers you could get in the country. Imagine if they went the extra mile, got all efficient, did things when they said they would, and responded with split-second timing to queries, making it as easy for their customers as possible to do business with them.
They'd make a fortune!
So why have very few companies, and their employees, caught on? Can we make them?
Random Signage
Spotted this while out to lunch last week:
I have to admit, that's the first time I've seen such a sign! Perhaps something more appropriate to this day and age would be ...?
I have to admit, that's the first time I've seen such a sign! Perhaps something more appropriate to this day and age would be ...?
...and she's off!
There's nothing like diving into an engine to take one's mind off mundane everyday stuff like Futures and Plans and Goals... :)
Today was Olivia day (still is, just popped in to grab the manual). Took some doing to fire her up though, it seems I need to check a few things (alternator not charging up properly?). Idling is still quite low, timing to be done (but got a timing light and a few other bits courtesy of a friend, who dropped by to peer at things). However, as a fellow Landy owner commented - you start on one thing, and it leads to many other bigger jobs. Before you know it you have to dash to the shops for a part or some oil or end up taking things to pieces. I've managed to avoid the Major jobs so far (the ones that require a very steep learning curve), but I'm getting closer to them.
Anyway, today I sucked up the fear of Big Hills and took Olivia for a lengthy spin, and she's really not bad at all! Those brakes I was worried about are more than adequate and once the idling/charging is sorted we should have no more problems trundling around town and beyond. Far beyond. I'm getting used to how she feels, how she turns, and have sorted out my mirror views so I know where in space and time I'm to be found too. Working on changing down instead of neutral-ing out as I slow, and have nearly gotten used to the gear changes without having to search too much.
Funny thing was after a bit of Olivia I jumped in the Ford for a quick rolls-for-lunch trip to the nearest shop, and the Ford felt weird to drive! :) I struggled with the accelorator and the gears felt slippery. If nothing else, swapping between vehicles is certainly going to keep my concentration up!
After this stint around a few km's, I've got my confidence back. And stand amazed at how guys on mountain bikes will stop and stare as you go past.... hehe... :)
Today was Olivia day (still is, just popped in to grab the manual). Took some doing to fire her up though, it seems I need to check a few things (alternator not charging up properly?). Idling is still quite low, timing to be done (but got a timing light and a few other bits courtesy of a friend, who dropped by to peer at things). However, as a fellow Landy owner commented - you start on one thing, and it leads to many other bigger jobs. Before you know it you have to dash to the shops for a part or some oil or end up taking things to pieces. I've managed to avoid the Major jobs so far (the ones that require a very steep learning curve), but I'm getting closer to them.
Anyway, today I sucked up the fear of Big Hills and took Olivia for a lengthy spin, and she's really not bad at all! Those brakes I was worried about are more than adequate and once the idling/charging is sorted we should have no more problems trundling around town and beyond. Far beyond. I'm getting used to how she feels, how she turns, and have sorted out my mirror views so I know where in space and time I'm to be found too. Working on changing down instead of neutral-ing out as I slow, and have nearly gotten used to the gear changes without having to search too much.
Funny thing was after a bit of Olivia I jumped in the Ford for a quick rolls-for-lunch trip to the nearest shop, and the Ford felt weird to drive! :) I struggled with the accelorator and the gears felt slippery. If nothing else, swapping between vehicles is certainly going to keep my concentration up!
After this stint around a few km's, I've got my confidence back. And stand amazed at how guys on mountain bikes will stop and stare as you go past.... hehe... :)
The Big Question
Is it too late to change direction completely - to make a career/life in a completely different field? To learn enough to make it a success, and quickly?
Is it ever too late to change?
--
Concerns: the kid, current financial stuff, comfort zones
Is it ever too late to change?
--
Concerns: the kid, current financial stuff, comfort zones
Opportunity
I had a truly terrible day - one in which I felt trapped in a situation I didn't choose, with no way out. Beaten down in soul and spirit, made to feel worthless, less than human. I spent at least half an hour crying hopelessly in my car before I could face the grocery shopping.
But as dusk settles in, the hadedas calling, the guineafowl cackling and the olive thrush singing his bedding-down song, I find my perspective changed.
Instead of oppression, I've realized that what I have is Opportunity.
In every bad situation, one is faced with a choice. How do I go forward? Where to from here? What do I really want to happen? It's easy to knee-jerk react and indulge in thoughts of revenge, payback and walking away. It's a lot harder to be still, calm the mind and think. Properly think.
But there are things that have helped my perspective down the right path tonight. I haven't stopped by Treehugger in ages, and while trawling through what I've missed I found this site: Dropping Knowledge. It's a huge event happening tomorrow - and I haven't even heard of it! 100 questions asked of 112 influential people, and a chance to start a global communication. Some of those questions have made me stop short and dig deep.
While on Treehugger I found their "green jobs" section (and remembered that I almost changed my Food Tech diploma to Conservation...). Mostly USA-based, but linked to a UK organization that offers environmental positions worldwide. I realized there are opportunities out there that I haven't considered - chances to better the world around me and my own life. This blog is green for a reason...
(One of the ideas we've had with unschooling fits into this scenario - having the time available to get more involved in our planet and some of the many organizations out there. There are so many opportunities for volunteers to help, all over the world. Not having a school schedule to stick to, school fees to pay - both of us will have a chance to work for change. We're both passionate about nature, and the kid is growing up with more green knowledge than I did.)
Yes, I could bemoan my awful day and go back to work all glum next week, continue to feel trapped and hopeless. OR I could see this as a gap in the opening door, a start in a new and better direction where my passions, skills and energies are chanelled toward the best place for me to be, one where my eco-concience is clear and I know I matter.
I've still got a lot of thinking to do this weekend. I'm so exhausted at the moment that I can't really process all I need to. My brain simply won't function at the level I require. So I'll take the quiet time these two days afford to focus on what my heart is trying to say. To find the Opportunity that is patiently knocking, waiting for the right timing and my listening ear.
But as dusk settles in, the hadedas calling, the guineafowl cackling and the olive thrush singing his bedding-down song, I find my perspective changed.
Instead of oppression, I've realized that what I have is Opportunity.
In every bad situation, one is faced with a choice. How do I go forward? Where to from here? What do I really want to happen? It's easy to knee-jerk react and indulge in thoughts of revenge, payback and walking away. It's a lot harder to be still, calm the mind and think. Properly think.
But there are things that have helped my perspective down the right path tonight. I haven't stopped by Treehugger in ages, and while trawling through what I've missed I found this site: Dropping Knowledge. It's a huge event happening tomorrow - and I haven't even heard of it! 100 questions asked of 112 influential people, and a chance to start a global communication. Some of those questions have made me stop short and dig deep.
While on Treehugger I found their "green jobs" section (and remembered that I almost changed my Food Tech diploma to Conservation...). Mostly USA-based, but linked to a UK organization that offers environmental positions worldwide. I realized there are opportunities out there that I haven't considered - chances to better the world around me and my own life. This blog is green for a reason...
(One of the ideas we've had with unschooling fits into this scenario - having the time available to get more involved in our planet and some of the many organizations out there. There are so many opportunities for volunteers to help, all over the world. Not having a school schedule to stick to, school fees to pay - both of us will have a chance to work for change. We're both passionate about nature, and the kid is growing up with more green knowledge than I did.)
Yes, I could bemoan my awful day and go back to work all glum next week, continue to feel trapped and hopeless. OR I could see this as a gap in the opening door, a start in a new and better direction where my passions, skills and energies are chanelled toward the best place for me to be, one where my eco-concience is clear and I know I matter.
I've still got a lot of thinking to do this weekend. I'm so exhausted at the moment that I can't really process all I need to. My brain simply won't function at the level I require. So I'll take the quiet time these two days afford to focus on what my heart is trying to say. To find the Opportunity that is patiently knocking, waiting for the right timing and my listening ear.
Shabbat Shalom
Perhaps you've had a hard week, and you're feeling a bit flat?
If so - kick up your heels and relax this weekend!
If so - kick up your heels and relax this weekend!
Random Friday Thoughts
So Friday strikes yet again! This week has flown by, and I'm not sure I could tell you what I did with it. I know what I didn't do, but I did manage to get some things accomplished.
Not enough cohesive thought for anything profound today, so here are some random thoughts.
* I keep wondering what it will take for us to realize this planet is sitting on a knife-edge of non-survival. News about permafrost melting (5x more methane than expected being pushed into the atmosphere!) gets buried way under more pressing matters such as the murder down the street and some political figure's corruption trial. Yet these pale in comparison to our future survival. And we continue to mess up the only thing keeping us alive... Yes, I do too.
* This weekend is mechanical-adventures weekend! :) In other words, climbing into Olivia's engine to sort out various bits and pieces, and hitting a learning curve related to timing. Unfortunately, after a week of excellent weather for mechanical adventures, it's threatening rain! Eish. One of these days I'm going to have to invest in a high-roofed awning or a very large umbrella.
* On matters Olivia, a friend told me about a 4x4 trail right next door that is beginner-friendly. Hoping to head off and try it out as soon as I'm happy with the way she runs, and the way I stop her. Wouldn't want to end up with a roller-coaster ride down any steep slopes.
* I could do with some sleep (but I'm not complaining). Fortunately the weekend approaches. I must be getting old, but I really enjoy the luxury of lying in bed late of a weekend morning, no pressure to get up and go anywhere, no worries, no plans. Taking life as it comes.
* I caught a partial lunar eclipse last night - the perfect horror-movie look! We had high cloud cover with scudding dark bits, heat and some large raindrops now and then. The moon glowed golden through the gaps, with a mere bite out of one side. I tried to take some pics, but some things are better experienced than photographed.
* On the (un)education front, I've realized I tend to abbreviate thoughts here - and perhaps have given the wrong impression of what we're attempting for the future. Retro - thanks for making me think! :) This weekend the kid and I sit down to discuss reality and perceptions and options, as long as it takes. And after that we start to work out a Plan. Merely considering the possible forks in the road is new territory for us, so we're feeling out way forward bit by bit, trying to determine what would be best for us. It's not going to be easy doing something different, if that's the way we go. And we have to make sure our reasons are right, for either option.
* I need to get out with my camera before Spring passes me by... Already some of the trees are dropping their blossoms, while the plums are starting to bloom in snow-strands along the length of their branches. Birds are out in force, everything is green. Perhaps Spring is my favourite season after all.
And now, back to the day. Time waits for no-one.
Not enough cohesive thought for anything profound today, so here are some random thoughts.
* I keep wondering what it will take for us to realize this planet is sitting on a knife-edge of non-survival. News about permafrost melting (5x more methane than expected being pushed into the atmosphere!) gets buried way under more pressing matters such as the murder down the street and some political figure's corruption trial. Yet these pale in comparison to our future survival. And we continue to mess up the only thing keeping us alive... Yes, I do too.
* This weekend is mechanical-adventures weekend! :) In other words, climbing into Olivia's engine to sort out various bits and pieces, and hitting a learning curve related to timing. Unfortunately, after a week of excellent weather for mechanical adventures, it's threatening rain! Eish. One of these days I'm going to have to invest in a high-roofed awning or a very large umbrella.
* On matters Olivia, a friend told me about a 4x4 trail right next door that is beginner-friendly. Hoping to head off and try it out as soon as I'm happy with the way she runs, and the way I stop her. Wouldn't want to end up with a roller-coaster ride down any steep slopes.
* I could do with some sleep (but I'm not complaining). Fortunately the weekend approaches. I must be getting old, but I really enjoy the luxury of lying in bed late of a weekend morning, no pressure to get up and go anywhere, no worries, no plans. Taking life as it comes.
* I caught a partial lunar eclipse last night - the perfect horror-movie look! We had high cloud cover with scudding dark bits, heat and some large raindrops now and then. The moon glowed golden through the gaps, with a mere bite out of one side. I tried to take some pics, but some things are better experienced than photographed.
* On the (un)education front, I've realized I tend to abbreviate thoughts here - and perhaps have given the wrong impression of what we're attempting for the future. Retro - thanks for making me think! :) This weekend the kid and I sit down to discuss reality and perceptions and options, as long as it takes. And after that we start to work out a Plan. Merely considering the possible forks in the road is new territory for us, so we're feeling out way forward bit by bit, trying to determine what would be best for us. It's not going to be easy doing something different, if that's the way we go. And we have to make sure our reasons are right, for either option.
* I need to get out with my camera before Spring passes me by... Already some of the trees are dropping their blossoms, while the plums are starting to bloom in snow-strands along the length of their branches. Birds are out in force, everything is green. Perhaps Spring is my favourite season after all.
And now, back to the day. Time waits for no-one.
Internet Pheremones
A random thought struck me as I was sitting under the white mulberry tree, waiting for my son to return from school yesterday. Have the laws of attraction changed thanks to the internet? Will the human race have to redefine its mating game?
In the old days things were simple. Neanderthal man meets Neanderthal women, they sniff each other out, like what they smell and take it from there. Before the advent of email and dating sites, an immediate physical attraction - "spark" - started things off.
Now everything's different. You can get to know someone online quicker than you might in person. Our whole lives are out there to be seen, and it's easier to make a mental connection. But it's just as easy to create an image of another person that doesn't really exist. All you have to go on is words on a screen - and it's so easy to both give and get the wrong impression. There's no pheremones on the internet...
All too often you read headlines like "SMS love affair led to death". There's stalkers, and misrepresentations of age (and looks!).... It's a dangerous thing, this internet stuff! :)
But the flip-side is that it's an easy way to get to know people. At your leisure, in your own time - and without having to clear a schedule to meet up. (Which can also be a bad thing, leading to complete social isolation, and a life lived merely online)
Anyway, as I mentioned - this was a random thought, and probably unfinished. But something to consider as our lives go online more and more.
In the old days things were simple. Neanderthal man meets Neanderthal women, they sniff each other out, like what they smell and take it from there. Before the advent of email and dating sites, an immediate physical attraction - "spark" - started things off.
Now everything's different. You can get to know someone online quicker than you might in person. Our whole lives are out there to be seen, and it's easier to make a mental connection. But it's just as easy to create an image of another person that doesn't really exist. All you have to go on is words on a screen - and it's so easy to both give and get the wrong impression. There's no pheremones on the internet...
All too often you read headlines like "SMS love affair led to death". There's stalkers, and misrepresentations of age (and looks!).... It's a dangerous thing, this internet stuff! :)
But the flip-side is that it's an easy way to get to know people. At your leisure, in your own time - and without having to clear a schedule to meet up. (Which can also be a bad thing, leading to complete social isolation, and a life lived merely online)
Anyway, as I mentioned - this was a random thought, and probably unfinished. But something to consider as our lives go online more and more.
Crunch-time
After a 3-month wait, I've finally received an acceptance letter for my son to the local high-school. Not just the letter, but the Code of Conduct, Uniform Requirements, Financial Information and Acceptance of Entry - all very officially-worded and regulatory.
The financial info is the scary part - where I thought I'd have to pay over half my salary every month, it's gone up to well over half the salary (excluding books, uniforms and extra classes)....
OK, correction - the other documents are almost scarier! :)
Having taken a step back to look at the entire school system with a critical eye, I'm amazed by how much sameness, subservience and suppression is required. I didn't receive a single list of "do's", it's all just "don't".
When I hold that up against who my son is, and who I hope he will become, it doesn't add up. No, I'm not encouraging anarchy, but rather fostering an ability to think for himself, stand up for the valuable person he is, and realize he holds an important place in the world. I don't see how conforming to this school system is going to help him. Especially this particular system that comes paired with strict fundamental religious beliefs.
There's a deposit expected on acceptance, and school fees kick in 2 months before classes start - so it's crunch time. We have to decide within the next month what the future will hold educationally. We have to determine which direction both our lives will take, and how we want to go about it. All the years we've spent pondering and researching, they all boil down to this point in time.
A bit scary. Good-scary, not bad-scary. The future starts here.
The financial info is the scary part - where I thought I'd have to pay over half my salary every month, it's gone up to well over half the salary (excluding books, uniforms and extra classes)....
OK, correction - the other documents are almost scarier! :)
Having taken a step back to look at the entire school system with a critical eye, I'm amazed by how much sameness, subservience and suppression is required. I didn't receive a single list of "do's", it's all just "don't".
When I hold that up against who my son is, and who I hope he will become, it doesn't add up. No, I'm not encouraging anarchy, but rather fostering an ability to think for himself, stand up for the valuable person he is, and realize he holds an important place in the world. I don't see how conforming to this school system is going to help him. Especially this particular system that comes paired with strict fundamental religious beliefs.
There's a deposit expected on acceptance, and school fees kick in 2 months before classes start - so it's crunch time. We have to decide within the next month what the future will hold educationally. We have to determine which direction both our lives will take, and how we want to go about it. All the years we've spent pondering and researching, they all boil down to this point in time.
A bit scary. Good-scary, not bad-scary. The future starts here.
Vote Now!
So here's the thing... the day before Christmas last year I sucked it up and went red-head. Much to the astonishment of the relatives, but they seemed to like it. I've coloured it ginger and red twice since then, but am loathe to keep paying copious amounts to various cosmetics companies every couple of months.
The other side of the stick is that I don't want to be bothered to do this forever, unless I have to. I don't mind getting older. Each grey hair tells a story, and I plan to age with grace (just perhaps not yet).
Now, lurkers, here's your chance to say something without typing anything - I thought I'd put it to the vote! One click, and you'll be able to give your opinion.
Most of you have no clue what I look like, so here are a few handy hints to get you started.
So, here's me as a blonde (most of my life):
or 
Pro: Cheap, no sweat to maintain, I don't make a bad blonde, going grey only means going lighter blonde, if I do something stupid I can blame the hair-colour (and conversely surprise people by being an intelligent blonde at other times). Cons: Same old same old, eventually.
Here's the redhead version:
Pro: Looks good, gives me a "glow" even when I don't feel glowy, redheads have more fun (apparently). Cons: Expensive, colour looks good only when it starts to fade out (by which time it needs another colour for the roots), those pesky greys show through big-time.
In addition there's the distinctly-ginger version:
Still untried are pitch-black, and shaved-bald.
So go for it! Cast your vote*...
*Disclaimer - I probably won't take your advice, but hey - it's worth a shot.
The other side of the stick is that I don't want to be bothered to do this forever, unless I have to. I don't mind getting older. Each grey hair tells a story, and I plan to age with grace (just perhaps not yet).
Now, lurkers, here's your chance to say something without typing anything - I thought I'd put it to the vote! One click, and you'll be able to give your opinion.
Most of you have no clue what I look like, so here are a few handy hints to get you started.
So, here's me as a blonde (most of my life):
or Pro: Cheap, no sweat to maintain, I don't make a bad blonde, going grey only means going lighter blonde, if I do something stupid I can blame the hair-colour (and conversely surprise people by being an intelligent blonde at other times). Cons: Same old same old, eventually.
Here's the redhead version:
Pro: Looks good, gives me a "glow" even when I don't feel glowy, redheads have more fun (apparently). Cons: Expensive, colour looks good only when it starts to fade out (by which time it needs another colour for the roots), those pesky greys show through big-time.
In addition there's the distinctly-ginger version:
Still untried are pitch-black, and shaved-bald.
So go for it! Cast your vote*...
*Disclaimer - I probably won't take your advice, but hey - it's worth a shot.
Motivation
It's amazing how a Plan and a Timeline can give one motivation to do today what you've put off yesterday (and the day before). Knowing that I have certain things to accomplish - with a deadline - has got me completely focused on a number of tasks. That clarity of thought yesterday has spilled over to this morning. May hit a slump though when I start to get hungry around 11 again.. :)
I still don't have an entire Plan in place. There are a number of issues that will need research before I can implement it. There are some skills to gain, and a bit of cash to accumulate. Hence I'm selling muffins today (and choc brownies yesterday)! :) So I won't make millions, but having that extra bit in hand each week means I don't need to go near the credit card, chequebook or savings. They get a rest to gather interest and/or dust and I get to practice living within my means.
Today I'm all motivated. Working like a maniac through piles of goodies, and doing them properly. I may not clear my entire desk today, nor get the website completely reworked & upgraded, but it's a good start.
I still don't have an entire Plan in place. There are a number of issues that will need research before I can implement it. There are some skills to gain, and a bit of cash to accumulate. Hence I'm selling muffins today (and choc brownies yesterday)! :) So I won't make millions, but having that extra bit in hand each week means I don't need to go near the credit card, chequebook or savings. They get a rest to gather interest and/or dust and I get to practice living within my means.
Today I'm all motivated. Working like a maniac through piles of goodies, and doing them properly. I may not clear my entire desk today, nor get the website completely reworked & upgraded, but it's a good start.
Spring Cleaning
After one day in the office, I've realized a lot has changed in the month I've been on leave (with me, not the office). I don't know if it's the obvious Spring weather, or that my soul is urging me on to go further, but I've acquired a sudden clarity of thought. I've started on the first steps to spring-clean in corners that are very, very dusty.
And I'm not only talking my house here! :) (Much needed though - if my mind's not right, my kitchen often reflects it)
Nearly 11 years in the same job, only slight side-ways shifts in responsibility. It's a long time to be in one place, especially if you're a mere 34 years old. It's become comfortable to stay, and I could give any number of reasons why I might carry on for another 11 years - at the expense of who I am, deep inside.
I suspect it's like this in many organizations - we're all just humans, but one job title seems "higher" than another, more important, and those underneath slowly have the life and spark extinguished out of them. They cease to really matter, they're the workers who move the machinery along and nothing more. Or so I've been feeling.
I've let others push me down until I felt like nothing, like I had no valuable opinion or successful streak. Unique jewels of ability and talent were swallowed up in a forced conformity to how one should act, what one should think and believe, and how one should look or speak. I've been compromising for so long that I started to lose my essence.
But I can no longer do that. I can't let another human degrade me or make me into nothing simply because of a job title, or a label I'm assigned. While away from the daily grind I've recaptured something that was lost for a very long time.
Bear with me - I'm thinking out loud here. And it's not that I work for the worst place on earth! Many can be very happy here their entire careers - others aspire to work here. It's rather that I've never quite fitted in. Where employment may be seen by others as their mission, their all-encompassing life - for me it's a job and a roof over my head. There are aspects I enjoy, but more often I find the routines, the tasks, the expectations grating on me. I long to shine!
I'm not there yet though. I have a lot of inner boundaries to cross, some self-percetions to shed, and a sense of my own strength to fully recover once more. I need to believe with all my heart that I can do anything - and that life will not collapse if I have to change. It will, in fact, be better than I could have dreamt.
What's kept me back? Fear. Worry that I won't be able to provide for my son's needs, and that I don't have what it takes to make it outside there in the "big bad world". And yet, somewhere deep in my heart, is a certainty that I will not merely survive, but live a life of awesome wonder. I am desperate to live with passion in every way possible - to "dance like no-one's watching, love like I've never been hurt"... But I need to shed the self-conciousness and risk letting people in.
A bit of mental spring-cleaning, yes. And while my mind works my hands are busy too. I dug into the veggie bed and waded the overgrown lawn (I'm sure there's a dog lost somewhere in there). I uninstalled superfluous computer programmes and cleared out the junk in a good few folders. I even did a bit of load-shedding, allowing myself to get really angry over a recent injustice, and not trying to smile and nod placidly while inside I seethed. Still some ways to go on that one!
I've often found that cleaning, cooking, gardening - working with my hands - are when I think best. I've done the cleaning and the gardening. I wonder what cooking supper will bring forth! :)
::update::
Making supper brought forth both the seeds of a Plan, and a Timeline. Told you it works! :)
And I'm not only talking my house here! :) (Much needed though - if my mind's not right, my kitchen often reflects it)
Nearly 11 years in the same job, only slight side-ways shifts in responsibility. It's a long time to be in one place, especially if you're a mere 34 years old. It's become comfortable to stay, and I could give any number of reasons why I might carry on for another 11 years - at the expense of who I am, deep inside.
I suspect it's like this in many organizations - we're all just humans, but one job title seems "higher" than another, more important, and those underneath slowly have the life and spark extinguished out of them. They cease to really matter, they're the workers who move the machinery along and nothing more. Or so I've been feeling.
I've let others push me down until I felt like nothing, like I had no valuable opinion or successful streak. Unique jewels of ability and talent were swallowed up in a forced conformity to how one should act, what one should think and believe, and how one should look or speak. I've been compromising for so long that I started to lose my essence.
But I can no longer do that. I can't let another human degrade me or make me into nothing simply because of a job title, or a label I'm assigned. While away from the daily grind I've recaptured something that was lost for a very long time.
Bear with me - I'm thinking out loud here. And it's not that I work for the worst place on earth! Many can be very happy here their entire careers - others aspire to work here. It's rather that I've never quite fitted in. Where employment may be seen by others as their mission, their all-encompassing life - for me it's a job and a roof over my head. There are aspects I enjoy, but more often I find the routines, the tasks, the expectations grating on me. I long to shine!
I'm not there yet though. I have a lot of inner boundaries to cross, some self-percetions to shed, and a sense of my own strength to fully recover once more. I need to believe with all my heart that I can do anything - and that life will not collapse if I have to change. It will, in fact, be better than I could have dreamt.
What's kept me back? Fear. Worry that I won't be able to provide for my son's needs, and that I don't have what it takes to make it outside there in the "big bad world". And yet, somewhere deep in my heart, is a certainty that I will not merely survive, but live a life of awesome wonder. I am desperate to live with passion in every way possible - to "dance like no-one's watching, love like I've never been hurt"... But I need to shed the self-conciousness and risk letting people in.
A bit of mental spring-cleaning, yes. And while my mind works my hands are busy too. I dug into the veggie bed and waded the overgrown lawn (I'm sure there's a dog lost somewhere in there). I uninstalled superfluous computer programmes and cleared out the junk in a good few folders. I even did a bit of load-shedding, allowing myself to get really angry over a recent injustice, and not trying to smile and nod placidly while inside I seethed. Still some ways to go on that one!
I've often found that cleaning, cooking, gardening - working with my hands - are when I think best. I've done the cleaning and the gardening. I wonder what cooking supper will bring forth! :)
::update::
Making supper brought forth both the seeds of a Plan, and a Timeline. Told you it works! :)
Back to the Grindstone...
It's back to work for me today, after a whole month's leave! I haven't been here 10 minutes and already the noise is getting to me... :)
You see, my office fronts onto a busy foot-traffic area of the building, and most who pass by are of the "not whispering" type. Add in wooden floors in this building, and it's like a herd of hard-of-hearing elephants are passing by every hour.
I really enjoyed the peace and quiet I had during the mornings while on leave. Taking my time over breakfast (instead of forcing down some food while still half-asleep, so I don't starve later). Time to spend outdoors or indoors - reading or writing - the freedom to come and go as I pleased. I've realized how little I enjoy being chained to a desk for set hours every day... I'm not high up enough in the organization to work odd hours, or work from home one day a week (as some do).
But on the other hand I'm thankful for employment and a regular salary coming in. For no commute, for the almost rural area I live and work in, and my endless views. Today it's going to be lovely and hot, almost summery! My office has close to full-length windows and the sun will stream in for most of the day. It's a touch of the outdoors, even if I don't get to actually be outside for long.
So back to the grindstone. At least 500 unread emails. A pile of post and stuff waiting to go through. Messages on my phone.
Deep breath. Plunging in!
You see, my office fronts onto a busy foot-traffic area of the building, and most who pass by are of the "not whispering" type. Add in wooden floors in this building, and it's like a herd of hard-of-hearing elephants are passing by every hour.
I really enjoyed the peace and quiet I had during the mornings while on leave. Taking my time over breakfast (instead of forcing down some food while still half-asleep, so I don't starve later). Time to spend outdoors or indoors - reading or writing - the freedom to come and go as I pleased. I've realized how little I enjoy being chained to a desk for set hours every day... I'm not high up enough in the organization to work odd hours, or work from home one day a week (as some do).
But on the other hand I'm thankful for employment and a regular salary coming in. For no commute, for the almost rural area I live and work in, and my endless views. Today it's going to be lovely and hot, almost summery! My office has close to full-length windows and the sun will stream in for most of the day. It's a touch of the outdoors, even if I don't get to actually be outside for long.
So back to the grindstone. At least 500 unread emails. A pile of post and stuff waiting to go through. Messages on my phone.
Deep breath. Plunging in!
Impermanence
In the middle of a rather busy day today, I had to head off to Southern Cape Town to drop off some goodies. I took the coastal road, which snakes across and between the dunes, sometimes mere metres away from the high tide waves breaking on shore.
Every dune is covered with flowers. Arum lilies in abundance, white and yellow daisies like snow, tiny pink clover-family ones. At this point in Spring the whites and yellows take over, fading later into pinks and purples. Yes - Namaqualand is stunning, but if you open your eyes there are flowers right on your doorstep.
Typical for the Cape, the south-easter wind was howling along at shore level, blowing grit and seamist across the roads. The only things that seems unperturbed where gigantic seagulls hovering into the gale, and a lone mongoose snuffling next to the road.
Just before Muizenberg traffic slowed to a crawl. With a few hours of wind, the beach was taking back the road, and cars crept over mini-dunes formed quicker than one can imagine. In parts the road sinks into potholes, never achieving a completely firm grip on the earth, always prone to the shifting sands and tides.
If we were to disappear - us humans - for a month, a year, a century... nature would march over us and entwine us in greenery. All trace of our attempts at taming her would vanish. We cannot build permanently against her forces. Every human struggles against an overwhelming flood of nature - the weeds in the veggie beds, the storms that flatten our flimsy homes, floods that sweep away roads.
On the grand scale of things, in the flow of time, we matter not at all.
Every dune is covered with flowers. Arum lilies in abundance, white and yellow daisies like snow, tiny pink clover-family ones. At this point in Spring the whites and yellows take over, fading later into pinks and purples. Yes - Namaqualand is stunning, but if you open your eyes there are flowers right on your doorstep.
Typical for the Cape, the south-easter wind was howling along at shore level, blowing grit and seamist across the roads. The only things that seems unperturbed where gigantic seagulls hovering into the gale, and a lone mongoose snuffling next to the road.
Just before Muizenberg traffic slowed to a crawl. With a few hours of wind, the beach was taking back the road, and cars crept over mini-dunes formed quicker than one can imagine. In parts the road sinks into potholes, never achieving a completely firm grip on the earth, always prone to the shifting sands and tides.
If we were to disappear - us humans - for a month, a year, a century... nature would march over us and entwine us in greenery. All trace of our attempts at taming her would vanish. We cannot build permanently against her forces. Every human struggles against an overwhelming flood of nature - the weeds in the veggie beds, the storms that flatten our flimsy homes, floods that sweep away roads.
On the grand scale of things, in the flow of time, we matter not at all.
Growing up
Oh. My. Goodness.... In the last week, my 13 year old son's voice has started to break!
He's about as tall as me now. And still growing.
So far no girl-interest, but it's coming.
I'm the mother of a teenage, voice-breaking man-child!
Now I really feel old. :)
He's about as tall as me now. And still growing.
So far no girl-interest, but it's coming.
I'm the mother of a teenage, voice-breaking man-child!
Now I really feel old. :)
Means-envy
How do they do it? How do they up and buy a Landy on a whim? Replace a part that costs more than my entire vehicle without batting an eyelid? Fork out for numerous trips far and wide, many times a year?
I guess I'm a bit envious. Also concerned that it's going to take a lot to keep up... I handed over a third of my salary just for a new battery and an ownership change - will I really be able to do this? Or will I, like Olivia, simply need go at it slowly and surely, pick my battles and choose my expeditions?
I know I'm going to be pushing my sideline food business further than I have before. Not just for pocket money, but for survival. Then again, money has become of little importance in many ways. It's numbers in a bank that come and go, and my life doesn't revolve around them.
I realize that frugality and creative money-making is going to be the order of the day from now on. A lifestyle I already have in place, and which will need major tweaking.
But I reckon it's worth it. The rewards don't come in cash, but in stories to tell, images to replay and experiences in which to immerse one's entire being. Money's involved - but it doesn't have to be in copious amounts. Perhaps I'll be able to swing it after all. A part of me relishes the challenge. :)
::update::
...and as I hit "publish", this came in by email:
::update 2::
Thinking more about this whole money thing, I've realized that the things I've had to struggle for - these are what I appreciate more in life. Yeah, I joke about needing a "sugar daddy" sometimes, but the reality is I'll get more satisfaction from knowing I've made a plan, come up with a solution, done what needs doing - all on my own.
I guess I'm a bit envious. Also concerned that it's going to take a lot to keep up... I handed over a third of my salary just for a new battery and an ownership change - will I really be able to do this? Or will I, like Olivia, simply need go at it slowly and surely, pick my battles and choose my expeditions?
I know I'm going to be pushing my sideline food business further than I have before. Not just for pocket money, but for survival. Then again, money has become of little importance in many ways. It's numbers in a bank that come and go, and my life doesn't revolve around them.
I realize that frugality and creative money-making is going to be the order of the day from now on. A lifestyle I already have in place, and which will need major tweaking.
But I reckon it's worth it. The rewards don't come in cash, but in stories to tell, images to replay and experiences in which to immerse one's entire being. Money's involved - but it doesn't have to be in copious amounts. Perhaps I'll be able to swing it after all. A part of me relishes the challenge. :)
::update::
...and as I hit "publish", this came in by email:
You may find yourself suddenly cognizant of the sheer scope of your abundance today. If in the past you have compared your blessings to those of your peers and reacted enviously, your attitude will likely shift to one of grateful and satisfied awareness of the richness of your existence.Co-incidence? Amusing, nonetheless.
::update 2::
Thinking more about this whole money thing, I've realized that the things I've had to struggle for - these are what I appreciate more in life. Yeah, I joke about needing a "sugar daddy" sometimes, but the reality is I'll get more satisfaction from knowing I've made a plan, come up with a solution, done what needs doing - all on my own.
Shift & Thought
I've found my perspectives shifting completely in the last week. Things I used to spend time and emotional energy on simply don't matter that much anymore. Take today for example - I went to the mall without bothering to put on a stitch of make-up and thought nothing of it. My nails haven't seen polish for a week either (if I'd had any on, it would probably have ended up in a bit of the engine somewhere anyway). Before this I wouldn't dare venture out unless I had checked the mirror and put on at least some face junk. If I did go out, I'd feel bad if I saw someone I knew. Now - hey, this is me! And no-one has cringed yet... :) Basically, I find myself paying more attention to who I am than how I look - focusing on the me I let out too seldom to play.
I'm less addicted to indoor persuits, and spend cash less liberally too - rather saving it for an experience than wasting it on possessions or treats that don't last. I guess I'll be spending a lot of time again on the computer once back at work (yup, holiday's up!), but have left off my usual computer-related addictions in many ways. Now I'll glance at it in passing instead of hovering continuously before the glowing screen.
I popped in to work to water the plants this week (mental note: plant tomato & basil seedlings for sunny office windowsill) and was told I'm looking rested and relaxed - and it's true! I may have mellowed a bit over this holiday. I know a lot of the worries and concerns, the politics and opinions that used to bug me a while ago now no longer matter. It's as if I've had my eyes opened to a Bigger picture - where all this mindless muddling around in mediocrity doesn't amount to very much at all.
I've regained an inner strength that I lost in recent months. I've healed bits that got very damaged, and let anger slide off into nothingness. My values have shifted subtley toward deeper, wider and more long-lasting ideals. And I've realized that I can take control of my life with confidence, knowing I have the ability to steer it toward whatever course I can dream. I am confident that I have what it takes, an inbred will to survive and live and "suck the marrow out of life" that isn't going to die.
A friend recently suggested an email "thought of the day" subscription. Today's hit home - as they have been doing every single day. It spoke so vividly, that I'm posting it here.
From the DailyOM:
I'm less addicted to indoor persuits, and spend cash less liberally too - rather saving it for an experience than wasting it on possessions or treats that don't last. I guess I'll be spending a lot of time again on the computer once back at work (yup, holiday's up!), but have left off my usual computer-related addictions in many ways. Now I'll glance at it in passing instead of hovering continuously before the glowing screen.
I popped in to work to water the plants this week (mental note: plant tomato & basil seedlings for sunny office windowsill) and was told I'm looking rested and relaxed - and it's true! I may have mellowed a bit over this holiday. I know a lot of the worries and concerns, the politics and opinions that used to bug me a while ago now no longer matter. It's as if I've had my eyes opened to a Bigger picture - where all this mindless muddling around in mediocrity doesn't amount to very much at all.
I've regained an inner strength that I lost in recent months. I've healed bits that got very damaged, and let anger slide off into nothingness. My values have shifted subtley toward deeper, wider and more long-lasting ideals. And I've realized that I can take control of my life with confidence, knowing I have the ability to steer it toward whatever course I can dream. I am confident that I have what it takes, an inbred will to survive and live and "suck the marrow out of life" that isn't going to die.
A friend recently suggested an email "thought of the day" subscription. Today's hit home - as they have been doing every single day. It spoke so vividly, that I'm posting it here.
From the DailyOM:
Residing At The Helm - Being Your Own VillageExactly!
Simple survival requires us to be in possession of many skills. The pursuit of dreams requires many more. Most individuals rely on the support of a village, whether peopled by relatives or community members, to effectively address the numerous ways we need assistance. This can mean anything from asking favors of acquaintances and leaning on loved ones for support to paying a skilled artisan to handle specialized tasks. However, each human being is born with the capacity to be their own village. We embody many roles throughout our lifetimes, all of which are representative of our capacity for self-sufficiency and self-determination. In different moments in our lives, we are our own counselor, janitor, caregiver, cook, healer, teacher, and student. Our willingness to joyfully take on these roles grants us the power to maintain control over the direction our life's journey takes.
In times past, human beings learned all of the skills needed for survival. Today, the majority of people specialize in a single discipline, which they hone throughout their lives. Thus, many of us feel uncomfortable standing at the helm of our own existence. We question our ability to make decisions concerning our own health, happiness, and welfare, and are left feeling dependent and powerless. But the authority to take ultimate responsibility for our lives is simply a matter of believing that we have the necessary faith and intelligence to cope with any circumstance the universe chooses to place in our path. Proving that we can each be our own villages through action enables us to accept that we are strong enough to exist autonomously. Cooking, cultivating a garden of fruits and vegetables, undertaking minor home repair, or adopting a healthier lifestyle can help you reassert your will.
Being your own village does not mean embracing isolation, for a balanced life is built upon the dual foundations of the inner and the outer villages. Rather, being your own village is a celebration of your wondrous inner strength and resourcefulness, as well as an acknowledgment of your innate ability to capably steer the course of your life.
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