I've started the day off-centre. Feeling unbalanced and thrown out. All because of a stupid mistake.
I have security gates on the front and the back doors, and both keys are kept about half-way between the two. This morning, in a rush, I grabbed the front door key and inserted it. But it wouldn't turn! I tried and tried, and suddenly the thing broke off in the security gate lock - leaving me on the inside, with the only other way out of the house being a climb over the back wall, and needing to get to work / get my son to school! It's then that I realized I had been using the back door security gate key... so now there's the back door key broken off in the front door lock and both still closed...!
Fortunately the front door key still fit the lock and turned, so we were able to leave - but the back door is needed today too, and therein lies one Big Problem. Or it would have if Favourite Man didn't know exactly what to do (what a man!). The door came off, the lock came out, and I'll be replacing the key on the way home, lock in hand.
But it's left me a bit shaken and off-centre this morning. I had trouble getting my head in the right place to focus on my commute here - and driving a car that's not my own means being very careful not to do stupid things and cause accidents/damage in any way. All the way to work, things bothered me more than they would have normally.
I seriously dislike feeling out of sync. It affects everything - how I see the world, what I do, what I can accomplish, how I relate to those around me. So before the day snowballs into chaos, I'm taking a few minutes to spend breathing deeply outside, calming that inner jitter that has me unbalanced.
Go-bag: Take 2
Remember that go-bag I mentioned I wanted? I somehow think it won't look like this....
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Out & About
I have a great urge today to go cherry-picking. Or have a picnic in an orchard. Or sit around in the sun with platters of cheese and veggies and something good to drink.I've got an urge to produce copious amounts of great slow food that a crowd can linger over, to home-cure olives and turn the mid-season strawberries into the best jam you've ever tasted or smelt. To bake crusty home-shaped loaves of bread and devour them with fresh butter and a couple of dip-happy side dishes. To have a jug of home-made lemonade permanently on stand-by, ice clinking against the sides and a couple of mint leaves floating on top. To spend days in the fresh air, increasing the freckles on my nose and breathing deeply of warm grass and leaves. To fire up the braai and get the potato salad going. To doze in the sunlight under dappled shade of a big tree while turtle doves coo and the slightest breeze ripples by. To feel the heat and breathe the dusty air of my grandfather's farm (before it's too late - before they sell it to a developer) or hang out at a secluded Cape cove watching whales breach nearby.
I think it's the summer air. It's warm and still outside after a few days of wind. Tomorrow's going to be even better weather, and my brain's headed to thoughts of light clothing, days lazing outdoors, legs that don't glow in the dark.
Summer? Bring it on.
Back to School
I've been taking a re-look at my son's schooling again recently. A year or more back I mentioned the homeschool/unschool option, after reading about something similar on Rachelle's blog.
Things have changed in the past year. My son is doing much better in high school than he did in primary school. He recently got an award for excellence in art, and his maths grades are very good. He's happier, he goes off more enthusiastically to the Daily Institution. Yet...
This is multi-faceted. I'm paying over R20K a year for his education, but I don't think he's getting his "money's worth". Yes, it's a private school with friends and teachers he knows in an environment he's comfortable. Yes, it's a Christian education - which my brothers and I all got and seem to have survived. It's a bit of a sheltered existance (which has both good and bad points). Yes, there are some teachers who are absolutely awesome - the guy who taught me Biology in high school teaches him, and is a wealth of knowledge imparted in a fascinating way. The Technology teacher has practical skills that are being handed over to his students - yet there's simply not enough time or scope to pack all that he knows in. Trying to crowd-manage and teach at the same time isn't optimal, and this is what's happening in schools everywhere. Minimal time for learning, maximum herding from here-to-there and behaviour control. Teachers do their thing and hope some of it sticks. Kids attend classes, wear their ties, keep in a line, shut up and hope they progress to the next grade.
Along with the exorbitant school fees, there's added costs of uniform, books, the regular R5 for civvies day, and a rapidly-increasing bus fee which recently saw a one third jump in cost per trip! For the first time in my son's school career I'm behind on the fees. I hate it.
So I'm considering options again.
There's a local government school instead of private. I'm not entirely sure he'll survive the experience. Perhaps I'm being too protective, but he's shy and doesn't dive in to friendships easily - I can see him withdrawing completely when overwhelmed by a huge class. Which again introduces the problem of mass crowd control instead of learning. But does teach him to get along with a wider variety of people. The government school is literally a "school of hard knocks" - and although thousands of kids do OK in them it will be a rude awakening for him. He's at that hormonal teen stage, where depression arises easily and insecurities reign - do I really want to feed that and make it worse?
There's the art school. Not an option, in spite of initial rave reviews and options for future study. With all due respect to arty folk, it's a bad bunch that hang out there and I don't want him getting involved with the drugs and stuff that are freely being used. He's also not passionate enough to go arty full-time, nor does he have the skill most of the kids there do (though everyone has to start somewhere).
There's the home school option. And amazingly there are many options for home schooling in the area, and in South Africa. There's quite a wide support base with a pool of experience and knowledge available - but a few pitfalls too. Like having to register with the government as a home schooler, and associated drama. Add in the fact that the kid comes home from school and disappears into his room on his computer, only emerging for meals and pee-breaks, or to occasionally help when summoned. He's getting a bit better, but it's all too easy for him to slip into hermit mode and never leave his room! So part of the whole home-schooling thing would be a plan to socialize - to join the karate classes, or the surf club, or go play golf, or take photography lessons/outings. Or even do a single class with the current high school on a part-time basis (though not sure they'd agree to that).
With the home schooling option he could get through his schooling as quickly as he wants to, register for exams and get his certificate - then go out into the wide world to experience life. He'd also get a chance to learn what the real world is about through how education in that system works. It ties in to the ideals I've had with wanting to take him travelling - and there's a chance he'll get a bit of travel in too, as he's due to go whale-shark diving in Australia for Mandy's birthday next year. I want to send him off backpacking Australia for 6 months when he's old enough too. Get him out there to see what the world's all about - which one can't do tied to a desk with a school uniform on.
Which is where unschool comes in. Skills learnt according to interest, interaction and involvement, a natural falling-in-to-society that happens as kids discover their place in the world and start making their lives work within that framework. It's a dangerous, scary journey to those who follow societal expectations of school/uni/job/climb corporate ladder/retire. It flies in the face of all that, but provides life skills far above what a classroom can do. Part of the learning curve involves the concept of apprenticeship instead of / together with further study - which fits in well with just about all the other options too. Yet see the "motivation and hermitation" worries above.
So all this is busy mulling around my skull. I've been talking to Favourite Man, bouncing ideas off him and getting his input. I've been talking to the kid, trying to get an idea of how he sees things and what he feels. I've been examining all the angles, all the options. But as yet, there's no direction. It's simply a work in progress.
Things have changed in the past year. My son is doing much better in high school than he did in primary school. He recently got an award for excellence in art, and his maths grades are very good. He's happier, he goes off more enthusiastically to the Daily Institution. Yet...
This is multi-faceted. I'm paying over R20K a year for his education, but I don't think he's getting his "money's worth". Yes, it's a private school with friends and teachers he knows in an environment he's comfortable. Yes, it's a Christian education - which my brothers and I all got and seem to have survived. It's a bit of a sheltered existance (which has both good and bad points). Yes, there are some teachers who are absolutely awesome - the guy who taught me Biology in high school teaches him, and is a wealth of knowledge imparted in a fascinating way. The Technology teacher has practical skills that are being handed over to his students - yet there's simply not enough time or scope to pack all that he knows in. Trying to crowd-manage and teach at the same time isn't optimal, and this is what's happening in schools everywhere. Minimal time for learning, maximum herding from here-to-there and behaviour control. Teachers do their thing and hope some of it sticks. Kids attend classes, wear their ties, keep in a line, shut up and hope they progress to the next grade.
Along with the exorbitant school fees, there's added costs of uniform, books, the regular R5 for civvies day, and a rapidly-increasing bus fee which recently saw a one third jump in cost per trip! For the first time in my son's school career I'm behind on the fees. I hate it.
So I'm considering options again.
There's a local government school instead of private. I'm not entirely sure he'll survive the experience. Perhaps I'm being too protective, but he's shy and doesn't dive in to friendships easily - I can see him withdrawing completely when overwhelmed by a huge class. Which again introduces the problem of mass crowd control instead of learning. But does teach him to get along with a wider variety of people. The government school is literally a "school of hard knocks" - and although thousands of kids do OK in them it will be a rude awakening for him. He's at that hormonal teen stage, where depression arises easily and insecurities reign - do I really want to feed that and make it worse?
There's the art school. Not an option, in spite of initial rave reviews and options for future study. With all due respect to arty folk, it's a bad bunch that hang out there and I don't want him getting involved with the drugs and stuff that are freely being used. He's also not passionate enough to go arty full-time, nor does he have the skill most of the kids there do (though everyone has to start somewhere).
There's the home school option. And amazingly there are many options for home schooling in the area, and in South Africa. There's quite a wide support base with a pool of experience and knowledge available - but a few pitfalls too. Like having to register with the government as a home schooler, and associated drama. Add in the fact that the kid comes home from school and disappears into his room on his computer, only emerging for meals and pee-breaks, or to occasionally help when summoned. He's getting a bit better, but it's all too easy for him to slip into hermit mode and never leave his room! So part of the whole home-schooling thing would be a plan to socialize - to join the karate classes, or the surf club, or go play golf, or take photography lessons/outings. Or even do a single class with the current high school on a part-time basis (though not sure they'd agree to that).
With the home schooling option he could get through his schooling as quickly as he wants to, register for exams and get his certificate - then go out into the wide world to experience life. He'd also get a chance to learn what the real world is about through how education in that system works. It ties in to the ideals I've had with wanting to take him travelling - and there's a chance he'll get a bit of travel in too, as he's due to go whale-shark diving in Australia for Mandy's birthday next year. I want to send him off backpacking Australia for 6 months when he's old enough too. Get him out there to see what the world's all about - which one can't do tied to a desk with a school uniform on.
Which is where unschool comes in. Skills learnt according to interest, interaction and involvement, a natural falling-in-to-society that happens as kids discover their place in the world and start making their lives work within that framework. It's a dangerous, scary journey to those who follow societal expectations of school/uni/job/climb corporate ladder/retire. It flies in the face of all that, but provides life skills far above what a classroom can do. Part of the learning curve involves the concept of apprenticeship instead of / together with further study - which fits in well with just about all the other options too. Yet see the "motivation and hermitation" worries above.
So all this is busy mulling around my skull. I've been talking to Favourite Man, bouncing ideas off him and getting his input. I've been talking to the kid, trying to get an idea of how he sees things and what he feels. I've been examining all the angles, all the options. But as yet, there's no direction. It's simply a work in progress.
Night Light
We headed up the mountain around midnight on Saturday night to try out the tripod and few long exposure camera settings. Here's what we saw:
Noted
That one can stick a piece of glass on anything and call it a coffee table!
Case in point this, this and (urban legendly, thankfully) this.
Case in point this, this and (urban legendly, thankfully) this.
Go-bag
Aha! THIS is what I need!
I've mentioned before that my handbag is literally overloaded. It's a bit lighter today - my camera is at home so Favourite Man can use it for various things - but it's usually choc-a-block with stuff I need. Although it started out looking smart, it was really just a cheapie from Edgars, and that imitation leather is falling apart fast. There's a small gap at the bottom, one strap is wearing through in cracks and won't last much longer.
No, I don't have the kitchen sink in there - just essentials for the day/s. Heck, I don't even carry a spanner! :-) But it does tend to weigh me down if I'm walking around for a few hours with it on my shoulder. It goes everywhere - I don't have a range of the things like many chicks do, ready to accessorize any outfit with a different look. It has had to fit in to the casual and the smart, wherever I am. And it's really not ideal anymore.
I've been ogling the go-bags in the link above, drooling over well-organized yet packed carriers (and their gadgets), and thinking that it's about time I upgraded. I was checking out a colleague's man-bag earlier, but I don't think his version will cut it. It's a bit too small and "mincing male" for me.
Shopping/investing isn't going to happen anytime soon, but I'm getting inspired. While pondering my vision of what I want the future to look like, I may as well organize my daily needs for that vision into something that fits the requirements! Including, perhaps, a spanner. It's amazing how much you can fit in one place with a bit of organization.
So it's time to get a decent go-bag, one that matches me, my lifestyle-to-be and holds my portable goodies well. And when there's an occasion to go smart, something small and glamorous as an alternative.
----
Once I've got that go-bag, there's another long shopping list for one-day... From gadgets to clothing I actually like, it's going to take some doing! I may need to sell a LOT of fudge. :-)
::update::
Hmmm... seems there are many definitions for the "go-bag", most of which consist of a bag filled with goodies you may need to grab if there's an emergency. Lifehacker's site specifically had theirs as a "you grab it as you rush out the door and it has everything you need in" bag. Hence this post.
I've mentioned before that my handbag is literally overloaded. It's a bit lighter today - my camera is at home so Favourite Man can use it for various things - but it's usually choc-a-block with stuff I need. Although it started out looking smart, it was really just a cheapie from Edgars, and that imitation leather is falling apart fast. There's a small gap at the bottom, one strap is wearing through in cracks and won't last much longer.
No, I don't have the kitchen sink in there - just essentials for the day/s. Heck, I don't even carry a spanner! :-) But it does tend to weigh me down if I'm walking around for a few hours with it on my shoulder. It goes everywhere - I don't have a range of the things like many chicks do, ready to accessorize any outfit with a different look. It has had to fit in to the casual and the smart, wherever I am. And it's really not ideal anymore.
I've been ogling the go-bags in the link above, drooling over well-organized yet packed carriers (and their gadgets), and thinking that it's about time I upgraded. I was checking out a colleague's man-bag earlier, but I don't think his version will cut it. It's a bit too small and "mincing male" for me.
Shopping/investing isn't going to happen anytime soon, but I'm getting inspired. While pondering my vision of what I want the future to look like, I may as well organize my daily needs for that vision into something that fits the requirements! Including, perhaps, a spanner. It's amazing how much you can fit in one place with a bit of organization.
So it's time to get a decent go-bag, one that matches me, my lifestyle-to-be and holds my portable goodies well. And when there's an occasion to go smart, something small and glamorous as an alternative.
----
Once I've got that go-bag, there's another long shopping list for one-day... From gadgets to clothing I actually like, it's going to take some doing! I may need to sell a LOT of fudge. :-)
::update::
Hmmm... seems there are many definitions for the "go-bag", most of which consist of a bag filled with goodies you may need to grab if there's an emergency. Lifehacker's site specifically had theirs as a "you grab it as you rush out the door and it has everything you need in" bag. Hence this post.
Priorities
I'm 35. No spring chicken (in fact, nearly 36!). I'm at a stage in life where I know who I am, my goals and values are sorted out in my head, I know what I will and won't stand for, and am securely happy in the woman I have become (with occasional forays into small insecurities until I can hit myself over the head and get over them). I'm not in early-20's dither mode. I'm not in "still finding my feet" mode either. I've formed my opinions, developed my world and life view, and am no longer afraid of stepping out of the sheep-herd to forge my own way.
Because of where I am, I am often cynically amazed at society, at the unquestioned way in which some things work. Bemusedly seeing things from a completely different angle. I view everything from religion to work to education with a slightly raised eyebrow - but keep my mouth shut in most cases. :-)
I'm unwilling to settle for second-best, unwilling to put myself aside constantly in order to elevate the status of others, unwilling to accept the "but some are more equal than others" theory.
As such, I regularly end up in journey-evaluation mode, pitting my beliefs and opinions against where I'm at and where I want to be. My soul grates when I find I'm doing or experiencing things that go against the course my heart knows.
In the past few weeks I've done a lot of thinking. I've sat and observed patterns and behaviours. I've weighed up the good and the bad. I've plotted and planned and imagined and dreamed. I've pitted my passions against how I fill my hours each day. I've compared my comfort zones to my challenges, where I excel and where I fail, what I'm happy with and what I'm not.
A lot can be read into this post (and probably will - correctly or incorrectly), but it all boils down to this:
How much am I willing to put up with in order to cover the rent?
Because of where I am, I am often cynically amazed at society, at the unquestioned way in which some things work. Bemusedly seeing things from a completely different angle. I view everything from religion to work to education with a slightly raised eyebrow - but keep my mouth shut in most cases. :-)
I'm unwilling to settle for second-best, unwilling to put myself aside constantly in order to elevate the status of others, unwilling to accept the "but some are more equal than others" theory.
As such, I regularly end up in journey-evaluation mode, pitting my beliefs and opinions against where I'm at and where I want to be. My soul grates when I find I'm doing or experiencing things that go against the course my heart knows.
In the past few weeks I've done a lot of thinking. I've sat and observed patterns and behaviours. I've weighed up the good and the bad. I've plotted and planned and imagined and dreamed. I've pitted my passions against how I fill my hours each day. I've compared my comfort zones to my challenges, where I excel and where I fail, what I'm happy with and what I'm not.
A lot can be read into this post (and probably will - correctly or incorrectly), but it all boils down to this:
How much am I willing to put up with in order to cover the rent?
Fear ReAction
Ever been so terrified that you feel paralyzed? That your blood drains down to your toes leaving you feeling shaky and pale?
Yup - you know that feeling.
It's like the nightmare of being chased by some unnamed monster, your brain telling you to run, but you can't move. Completely and utterly paralyzing. The only way you can escape is to force yourself to move forward by sheer willpower.
And that's what fear does. Gives you a kick up the butt. Spurs you to action. If you're lucky....
It's the choice you have to make though. You don't just automatically start moving and running down that fear until it's squashed. You can let it rule you, paralyze you, keep your feet in the sucking mud until you sink completely. OR you can take that adrenalin-shot and use it for good. Haul your heart back up from your feet, ram it firmly in place and get going until you're far on the other side of what scares you.
It's not easy, but it's definitely the best - the only real - option.
Yup - you know that feeling.
It's like the nightmare of being chased by some unnamed monster, your brain telling you to run, but you can't move. Completely and utterly paralyzing. The only way you can escape is to force yourself to move forward by sheer willpower.
And that's what fear does. Gives you a kick up the butt. Spurs you to action. If you're lucky....
It's the choice you have to make though. You don't just automatically start moving and running down that fear until it's squashed. You can let it rule you, paralyze you, keep your feet in the sucking mud until you sink completely. OR you can take that adrenalin-shot and use it for good. Haul your heart back up from your feet, ram it firmly in place and get going until you're far on the other side of what scares you.
It's not easy, but it's definitely the best - the only real - option.
Quiet
October 20, 2003. Nearly 4 years ago. That's the day I started blogging.
Between then and now a lot of words have flowed out on screen and into the wide world of cyberspace. I've grown and changed and aged - so many things have happened between then and now, both good and bad.
When I started to blog a lot of folk were very surprised that I had so much to say. That I had an opinion on everything, and long rambling thoughts of my own. That I had big dreams and a wild imagination, that I had a dry sense of humour and quirky view of life in general. That I had an endless supply of words, and barely ever shut up.
And why were they surprised?
Because for most of my life I've not said much at all. I'm the quiet one, the background chick - no loud personality, no strident arguments put forth, and usually too timid to tell a joke in case it falls flat. The observer, the listener, the mouse.
Blogging opened up the dam - let me speak my words with time to think between them, let me delete things that were said in error, let me ponder and portray what was going on inside me without generating brash impressions of the wrong type.
At least in cyberspace. Usually.
But sometimes I do wonder if I should return to being the quiet one both online and off. To keeping my thoughts to myself and not reacting too quickly or saying much of anything at all. To simply keeping my mouth shut, all the time, saying only what is minimally necessary.
Because - sometimes, regularly, too often - I tend to only open my mouth to put my foot, nay both feet, straight into it. And more often than not it doesn't only affect me.
Between then and now a lot of words have flowed out on screen and into the wide world of cyberspace. I've grown and changed and aged - so many things have happened between then and now, both good and bad.
When I started to blog a lot of folk were very surprised that I had so much to say. That I had an opinion on everything, and long rambling thoughts of my own. That I had big dreams and a wild imagination, that I had a dry sense of humour and quirky view of life in general. That I had an endless supply of words, and barely ever shut up.
And why were they surprised?
Because for most of my life I've not said much at all. I'm the quiet one, the background chick - no loud personality, no strident arguments put forth, and usually too timid to tell a joke in case it falls flat. The observer, the listener, the mouse.
Blogging opened up the dam - let me speak my words with time to think between them, let me delete things that were said in error, let me ponder and portray what was going on inside me without generating brash impressions of the wrong type.
At least in cyberspace. Usually.
But sometimes I do wonder if I should return to being the quiet one both online and off. To keeping my thoughts to myself and not reacting too quickly or saying much of anything at all. To simply keeping my mouth shut, all the time, saying only what is minimally necessary.
Because - sometimes, regularly, too often - I tend to only open my mouth to put my foot, nay both feet, straight into it. And more often than not it doesn't only affect me.
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