Nope, not an other homeschooling / kid education post :-) Just in case you were wondering how one-track my mind was becoming...
Instead it's one about my OTHER one-track thing. Olivia. Or rather, the fact that she's nearly nearly done and we can get our lives back into non-Olivia-centered mode. Now that things are fitted back into her, we're no longer falling over windscreens behind the sofa, doors against the fridge, springs in the fruit bowl, re-upholstered seats on the single-seater, roof linings against the wall and spares in the bedroom. The amount of nuts and bolts lying around has been reduced to manageable levels and organized into containers. The bits of metal and "things that came out of Olivia" are dramatically less noticeable in corners and the back yard. The house is looking less like a Landy in pieces and more, once again, like a home.
Which means I can start to refocus on crafting my home to what I envision and keeping it well-maintained yet again. I've missed having the time to bake and cook, missed having everything sparkly-clean and organized, missed having evenings and weekends to spend luxuriating in the company of those I love.
In recent weeks I've been on a purging mission, converting excess goods to cash, clearing out junk, paring down on the unnecessary, letting go of stuff I've clung to for unknown reasons, starting to once again live open-handed, open-minded, with clarity and freedom. I'm starting to give my home and it's residents attention again.
I admit there's a long way to go. There's many corners of my home that need a re-do, sorting out, organizing and rethinking. There are things that need to go, and things that need to be added (like a dining-room table, for the first time in many years). It's a home now, but it's going to be a better home soon.
What to do next
Quick update on the "firing" episode. I had a chat to the boss, and he felt my son was too young for the work environment, didn't have the physical strength required to do the heavy-lifting tasks they work with, and wasn't a good fit with the work they had available. Rather than fart around for a few weeks, he sent him home. So it really wasn't anything he "did" as such (didn't burn down the workplace, didn't crash anyone's computers) as much as he's not ready for it.
(He did, however, get very badly sunburnt waiting for Favourite Man to come home. He was locked out and didn't have the presence of mind to attempt a break-in or to find enough shade to sit in all day. He did go swimming - fully clothed - to cool off at one stage! :-) )
Which leaves me having to do some hard thinking as to what next.
You see, next year's homeschooling needs to involve apprenticeship-type work. The kid needs to get out into the big wide world and learn how to work with people who do jobs every day that he might be interested in trying himself later. He needs to up his social, physical and mental skills, learn how to motivate himself, how to follow through on hard jobs to the end, etc.
Except that at the moment all he really can do is sit on the computer and design stuff or do things online. He's good at cleaning when he puts his mind to it, he's good at helping when he focuses his attention sufficiently and doesn't give up. He's managed to both help and hinder in Olivia's restoration, depending on mood. But he's also cheeky and unrespectful of authority at times. He has little social skill, doesn't know how to relate to adults or those in authority well, often doesn't do or say the right thing, and thinks all that counts is his opinion. So I'm sitting with a dilemma on my hands as to what to do with him next.
He's not old enough to be officially employed - still a year and a half to go. I haven't got a lot of contacts in a variety of work fields yet - working on that. I'm still developing an official plan of action for the home-schooling / work-life experience options - which needs to have my full attention VERY soon. In the meantime the kid's lying around the house, sleeping in very late, playing his PS2 and sitting on Photoshop or the internet. Treading water, wasting time.
So what do I do? How do I creatively start him off on the next phase of his learning curve without another incident like we had this week?
Here's what I'd like to see:
* A shot at the great outdoors for his science/environment study. Perhaps volunteer work at the Nature Reserve nearby? Helping the Lourensford River preservation lot clean up the riverbanks fortnightly? A stint with local winemakers and olive growers to see how things are harvested, grown, processed and sold? A day spent with the 4x4 groups clearing a trail or restoring an area? Involvement with the Off-Road Rescue Unit?
* Some cultural training. Art school? Drama society? A volunteer stint at the local library?
* Academic. British system? ACE system? Unofficial draw-it-up-yourself system? Courses at local instutions or online? Maths club? Tutors? Add in some certifications like a first-aid course? Photography course?
* A bit of body-work/sport. Perhaps karate/judo lessons? (Pole-dancing? ;-) ) Joining up with SonSurf to help out and get into the grommet class? Joining me in getting back on the fitness track while at the same time spending time with his mom? Getting physical with Favourite Man and I doing metal work, wood work, and sorting out vehicles on a regular basis? Get him that wreck to restore by the time he turns 18?
* Computer stuff. Helping out an animator friend / watching and learning from him? Designing things for me and Favourite Man? A correspondence computer class to pick up new skills? A bit of basic programming work to learn how things happen, or perhaps website design? (I have instruction books for both Flash and Dreamweaver - with tutorial CDS)
* Social skills. Regular outings with new relatives and old friends? Regular "play dates"? "Rent a girlfriend"? :-) Volunteer work at the local old age home - with perhaps a project to document a few life stories - and submit them to the local paper (tick that off under "English studies" too)? Holiday kids-at-the-mall care or Spur kid-area supervision? Send him out on a mission to do research on the general public? Sort a stint at the soup kitchen and shelter? One of the local day-care places? (He used to go to a very rural one next to the place where he once took horse-riding lessons... note to self - horses = physical activity! add to sport options and hard-work-mucking-out list - and perhaps add in the SPCA's volunteer programme...)
You know... typing out this list has actually given me a bit of direction and some much-needed hope. There are definitely options out there worth exploring. And looking at what I hope to be doing in my own life next year, much of these can tie in to goals and dreams percolating inside my skull.
I think we're going to make it... but if you have any bright ideas, suggestions and thoughts - that's what the comment box is for. I'd love to hear them!
(He did, however, get very badly sunburnt waiting for Favourite Man to come home. He was locked out and didn't have the presence of mind to attempt a break-in or to find enough shade to sit in all day. He did go swimming - fully clothed - to cool off at one stage! :-) )
Which leaves me having to do some hard thinking as to what next.
You see, next year's homeschooling needs to involve apprenticeship-type work. The kid needs to get out into the big wide world and learn how to work with people who do jobs every day that he might be interested in trying himself later. He needs to up his social, physical and mental skills, learn how to motivate himself, how to follow through on hard jobs to the end, etc.
Except that at the moment all he really can do is sit on the computer and design stuff or do things online. He's good at cleaning when he puts his mind to it, he's good at helping when he focuses his attention sufficiently and doesn't give up. He's managed to both help and hinder in Olivia's restoration, depending on mood. But he's also cheeky and unrespectful of authority at times. He has little social skill, doesn't know how to relate to adults or those in authority well, often doesn't do or say the right thing, and thinks all that counts is his opinion. So I'm sitting with a dilemma on my hands as to what to do with him next.
He's not old enough to be officially employed - still a year and a half to go. I haven't got a lot of contacts in a variety of work fields yet - working on that. I'm still developing an official plan of action for the home-schooling / work-life experience options - which needs to have my full attention VERY soon. In the meantime the kid's lying around the house, sleeping in very late, playing his PS2 and sitting on Photoshop or the internet. Treading water, wasting time.
So what do I do? How do I creatively start him off on the next phase of his learning curve without another incident like we had this week?
Here's what I'd like to see:
* A shot at the great outdoors for his science/environment study. Perhaps volunteer work at the Nature Reserve nearby? Helping the Lourensford River preservation lot clean up the riverbanks fortnightly? A stint with local winemakers and olive growers to see how things are harvested, grown, processed and sold? A day spent with the 4x4 groups clearing a trail or restoring an area? Involvement with the Off-Road Rescue Unit?
* Some cultural training. Art school? Drama society? A volunteer stint at the local library?
* Academic. British system? ACE system? Unofficial draw-it-up-yourself system? Courses at local instutions or online? Maths club? Tutors? Add in some certifications like a first-aid course? Photography course?
* A bit of body-work/sport. Perhaps karate/judo lessons? (Pole-dancing? ;-) ) Joining up with SonSurf to help out and get into the grommet class? Joining me in getting back on the fitness track while at the same time spending time with his mom? Getting physical with Favourite Man and I doing metal work, wood work, and sorting out vehicles on a regular basis? Get him that wreck to restore by the time he turns 18?
* Computer stuff. Helping out an animator friend / watching and learning from him? Designing things for me and Favourite Man? A correspondence computer class to pick up new skills? A bit of basic programming work to learn how things happen, or perhaps website design? (I have instruction books for both Flash and Dreamweaver - with tutorial CDS)
* Social skills. Regular outings with new relatives and old friends? Regular "play dates"? "Rent a girlfriend"? :-) Volunteer work at the local old age home - with perhaps a project to document a few life stories - and submit them to the local paper (tick that off under "English studies" too)? Holiday kids-at-the-mall care or Spur kid-area supervision? Send him out on a mission to do research on the general public? Sort a stint at the soup kitchen and shelter? One of the local day-care places? (He used to go to a very rural one next to the place where he once took horse-riding lessons... note to self - horses = physical activity! add to sport options and hard-work-mucking-out list - and perhaps add in the SPCA's volunteer programme...)
You know... typing out this list has actually given me a bit of direction and some much-needed hope. There are definitely options out there worth exploring. And looking at what I hope to be doing in my own life next year, much of these can tie in to goals and dreams percolating inside my skull.
I think we're going to make it... but if you have any bright ideas, suggestions and thoughts - that's what the comment box is for. I'd love to hear them!
Ingrained
My nails are full of grease. I can't remember when last they weren't. They're rimmed around the outside by a thin black line that no amount of scrubbing will remove, and my right index finger has a similar layer under the leading edge of the nail too. There's a few rough bits, and some are a little longer than others. One is cut down completely. I used to have beautiful hands - now, not so much. Thinners, acetone and Sunlight dish liquid as grease remover have dried out my skin. There's rivulets of black permanently embedded into the rougher skin along the edge of two fingers.
Not even very dark nail polish makes a difference! It only serves to attract attention to the flaws.
As much as I'd like to have good-looking hands again, I don't mind too much that they're well-worn. When I look at my hands and my nails I see hands that have done things, that have worked hard and accomplished a lot. I see learning curves and things ticked off the to-do list. I see hands with experience.
Looking closely in the mirror recently (a rare occurance these days) I saw the same on my face - tales of days and nights spent living. The slight shadow under my eyes a testimony to late nights spent scrambling to move forward and reach my goals. The wrinkles at the edges proof of sqiunting against the sun while putting in some outdoor work. The freckles evidence that my desk job doesn't last from sunrise to sunset.
I'm covered in experience. A bruise on my arm from removing the carb from the engine bay 2 days ago. Slight swelling above one ankle from a spider bite while under Olivia. A bump under my left eyebrow where I (literally!) walked into a door a few weeks back. Greys taking over the blondes across my scalp - time marching on as I approach the next birthday. Scars from when I was 6, from when I was studying after school, from a few years ago, from last month. Each one a tale, each one a footnote to my life.
Yes, many consider them imperfections - I'm not about to win any "best-looking" awards. But I'd rather have imperfect and relishing life than perfect and bland, anyday.
And that's precisely why my ingrained grease and dirt isn't bothering me this morning.
Not even very dark nail polish makes a difference! It only serves to attract attention to the flaws.
As much as I'd like to have good-looking hands again, I don't mind too much that they're well-worn. When I look at my hands and my nails I see hands that have done things, that have worked hard and accomplished a lot. I see learning curves and things ticked off the to-do list. I see hands with experience.
Looking closely in the mirror recently (a rare occurance these days) I saw the same on my face - tales of days and nights spent living. The slight shadow under my eyes a testimony to late nights spent scrambling to move forward and reach my goals. The wrinkles at the edges proof of sqiunting against the sun while putting in some outdoor work. The freckles evidence that my desk job doesn't last from sunrise to sunset.
I'm covered in experience. A bruise on my arm from removing the carb from the engine bay 2 days ago. Slight swelling above one ankle from a spider bite while under Olivia. A bump under my left eyebrow where I (literally!) walked into a door a few weeks back. Greys taking over the blondes across my scalp - time marching on as I approach the next birthday. Scars from when I was 6, from when I was studying after school, from a few years ago, from last month. Each one a tale, each one a footnote to my life.
Yes, many consider them imperfections - I'm not about to win any "best-looking" awards. But I'd rather have imperfect and relishing life than perfect and bland, anyday.
And that's precisely why my ingrained grease and dirt isn't bothering me this morning.
Failed
Day 2 of my son's unpaid holiday job. And he's fired. Favourite Man still has to find out from his boss what happened, but he's been sent walking home - both of us are stuck elsewhere so he has no transport. I don't even think he has a key to get in to the house, so he'll be spending the rest of his day outside, waiting for an adult to arrive and let him in on good grace alone.
I'm spitting mad. There are going to be some serious repercussions, and a general pulling up of socks. This is completely unacceptable, but merely the tip of the iceberg. Things have been sliding south for a good long time and it stops right here.
Perhaps it's good that I'm not allowed to leave work. By the time I get home I'll have a clearer mind and be able to zoom in on exactly what is going to happen next. But one thing I know - it's not going to be pretty.
::update::
There's three sides to every story - boss, kid, and the truth. The story the boss told is VERY different to the one the kid told. He was shocked to hear he'd actually been fired - so much so that his eyes welled up with tears and he went white. He was actually enjoying his job, the little bit he got to do. Tomorrow I get to the bottom of this....
I'm spitting mad. There are going to be some serious repercussions, and a general pulling up of socks. This is completely unacceptable, but merely the tip of the iceberg. Things have been sliding south for a good long time and it stops right here.
Perhaps it's good that I'm not allowed to leave work. By the time I get home I'll have a clearer mind and be able to zoom in on exactly what is going to happen next. But one thing I know - it's not going to be pretty.
::update::
There's three sides to every story - boss, kid, and the truth. The story the boss told is VERY different to the one the kid told. He was shocked to hear he'd actually been fired - so much so that his eyes welled up with tears and he went white. He was actually enjoying his job, the little bit he got to do. Tomorrow I get to the bottom of this....
"Hier kom 'n ding"...
This morning we dropped off a rather grumpy child at a local signwriter's place of business. Favourite Man has organized him a holiday job at a place that uses two of his skills - computers and art - but the kid isn't exactly pleased about it.
He likes his free holidays. Lazing in bed until 10, then spending the entire day online with his door closed, shut off in what's commonly known as the "bat cave", curtains drawn, window closed, only coming out to attack the bread and peanut butter. Typical teen? Perhaps - but both Favourite Man and I grew up differently, running "free" in the great outdoors. And I like to think we're the better for it.
So no more sleeping in for the kid this holiday. Or at least until the business closes down for the festive season just before Xmas.
And he wasn't happy this morning. Up early, packed lunch, dropped off with strangers. Lucky for him they have a bit of a blank day ahead, with not much going on at the signwriters for some reason. Yesterday they were all running around like chickens without heads.
Yes, he may get a bit of cash for his presence - though he's below the employable age so can't get a salary, just a "tip" on their good graces. Yes, he'll get valuable experience and a shot at the real world. Yes, he'll get out and about, and meet new people, learn new things.
But this morning he was very very grumpy. I only hope he pulls his socks up and puts in his best effort for this one. That he doesn't chuck it in and walk home after mere hours (I dread receiving a frustrated email from Favourite Man telling me just that). That he sees this as the fantastic opportunity to get going in life that it is.
Holding thumbs, but "hier kom 'n ding"....
::update::
A surruptitious checking-in by Favourite Man has surprised us both - the kid's doing OK! We await a full report later.
He likes his free holidays. Lazing in bed until 10, then spending the entire day online with his door closed, shut off in what's commonly known as the "bat cave", curtains drawn, window closed, only coming out to attack the bread and peanut butter. Typical teen? Perhaps - but both Favourite Man and I grew up differently, running "free" in the great outdoors. And I like to think we're the better for it.
So no more sleeping in for the kid this holiday. Or at least until the business closes down for the festive season just before Xmas.
And he wasn't happy this morning. Up early, packed lunch, dropped off with strangers. Lucky for him they have a bit of a blank day ahead, with not much going on at the signwriters for some reason. Yesterday they were all running around like chickens without heads.
Yes, he may get a bit of cash for his presence - though he's below the employable age so can't get a salary, just a "tip" on their good graces. Yes, he'll get valuable experience and a shot at the real world. Yes, he'll get out and about, and meet new people, learn new things.
But this morning he was very very grumpy. I only hope he pulls his socks up and puts in his best effort for this one. That he doesn't chuck it in and walk home after mere hours (I dread receiving a frustrated email from Favourite Man telling me just that). That he sees this as the fantastic opportunity to get going in life that it is.
Holding thumbs, but "hier kom 'n ding"....
::update::
A surruptitious checking-in by Favourite Man has surprised us both - the kid's doing OK! We await a full report later.
Not Twiddling
Yesterday I was sorting out stuff for my son's last week in school - making sure he had his uniform, checking I had bus money available for him etc...
And then he happened to mention he thinks the school is closed this week. News to us! So we phoned a friend, and yup - the school has indeed closed already. Nice of the kid to tell us.
Meantime we have guests from the UK - Landy people - who are staying with us, so he's taken himself off to his friend overnight. They're using his room and he wasn't too keen on the alternative of "sleep in the rooftop tent". Totally unadventurous if you ask me :-)
So yup, he's done with school. On to the next phase - which is not going to be drifing through the education system at all, but a whole lot more work than any of us realize.
And then he happened to mention he thinks the school is closed this week. News to us! So we phoned a friend, and yup - the school has indeed closed already. Nice of the kid to tell us.
Meantime we have guests from the UK - Landy people - who are staying with us, so he's taken himself off to his friend overnight. They're using his room and he wasn't too keen on the alternative of "sleep in the rooftop tent". Totally unadventurous if you ask me :-)
So yup, he's done with school. On to the next phase - which is not going to be drifing through the education system at all, but a whole lot more work than any of us realize.
Tip Jar
There's a new button to the right of this blog - a MoneyBookers "tip jar". Planning Olivia's adventures is turning into an expensive business and I've realized I can't do it alone. If you'd like to contribute to keeping the adventures coming, leave her a tip! The more tips, the more adventures - and the more you'll have to read right here... :-) You can send your tip in any currency, from anywhere in the world.
Olivia thanks you - see you off the beaten track!
::update::
So.. what's in it for you? Well, for a donation of 10GBP/USD or more, I'll send you something by Real Snail Mail from the adventure you helped to fund. It could be a postcard, it could be an item found along the way, it could be anything! Go on - when last did you get snail mail? :-)
Olivia thanks you - see you off the beaten track!
::update::
So.. what's in it for you? Well, for a donation of 10GBP/USD or more, I'll send you something by Real Snail Mail from the adventure you helped to fund. It could be a postcard, it could be an item found along the way, it could be anything! Go on - when last did you get snail mail? :-)
Twiddling Thumbs
Today is the last day of my son's school exams. The last day that they actually DO anything in school. And yet by law kids have to go to school next week - to a school that's more than likely empty, where everyone sits twiddling their thumbs and waiting for the 4-day week to end and summer holidays to kick in!
So us parents are forced to take the kids to school. Unless, like some, the school just Closes. I know of at least one boarding school that will simply be closing the dorms this weekend - end of story. Meantime the rest of us pay bus fares and transport, aftercare (if necessary) and such for the kids to sit and do nothing for 4 days. Glorified child-care.
Stuff like this makes me happy we're doing the home-school thing next year - challenges notwithstanding. Challenges including some serious opposition from family members... but that's to be expected.
No more twiddling thumbs next year. Instead a real-life education and some absolutely awesome opportunities for the kid. Yay!
So us parents are forced to take the kids to school. Unless, like some, the school just Closes. I know of at least one boarding school that will simply be closing the dorms this weekend - end of story. Meantime the rest of us pay bus fares and transport, aftercare (if necessary) and such for the kids to sit and do nothing for 4 days. Glorified child-care.
Stuff like this makes me happy we're doing the home-school thing next year - challenges notwithstanding. Challenges including some serious opposition from family members... but that's to be expected.
No more twiddling thumbs next year. Instead a real-life education and some absolutely awesome opportunities for the kid. Yay!
Trepidation
I don't know if I have what it takes. There are days where I feel I don't possess the brain power, the determination, the will to accomplish what I've set out to do. I still feel aimless at times, uncertain of the road I'm trying to tread, fearful that I will be a complete and utter failure.
All too often it's the lack of time or cash or inspiration that gets to me. And when I make the mistake of comparing myself to others I end up completely discouraged. How can it be that so many have gotten so far, and I've fallen so far behind? And keep slipping even further toward the edge of disaster?
It's one of those days. One thing after another and I'm not sure I'm going to make it...
All too often it's the lack of time or cash or inspiration that gets to me. And when I make the mistake of comparing myself to others I end up completely discouraged. How can it be that so many have gotten so far, and I've fallen so far behind? And keep slipping even further toward the edge of disaster?
It's one of those days. One thing after another and I'm not sure I'm going to make it...
The way forward
With Olivia sorted (basically), I find myself facing today with a sense that I've taken a deep breath. It's hard to describe. It's as if I once again have space to imagine, dream, plan and do. I can get around to all the things that I've neglected - from looking after my family and home to sorting out the path ahead. There are items on my to-do list that require urgent attention, but at the same time I'm looking forward to having enough time to spend with the people that matter, the ones I love.
Bundled in there is a need to put into practice my "executive decision", and it's not going to be easy. I'll need to get my headspace right and put in a good deal of effort if it's going to work. And I'm determined it has to - yet another incident today has cemented my decision in a big way. Call it a "road sign", a pointer in the right direction.
So I'm by no means going to be slacking off now that I no longer need to rush home, get into my dirtiest clothes and dive under a Land Rover. Life's just going to look a little different as I forge ahead to what I have planned.
Bundled in there is a need to put into practice my "executive decision", and it's not going to be easy. I'll need to get my headspace right and put in a good deal of effort if it's going to work. And I'm determined it has to - yet another incident today has cemented my decision in a big way. Call it a "road sign", a pointer in the right direction.
So I'm by no means going to be slacking off now that I no longer need to rush home, get into my dirtiest clothes and dive under a Land Rover. Life's just going to look a little different as I forge ahead to what I have planned.
Anticipation
Just been thinking this morning that I'm actually looking forward to the challenge of home-schooling next year. That it could work out really cool and fun and just what is needed for the kid.
OK, it's going to be a bit of a battle to find our "groove" and get things going without him degenerating into a hermit geek, but there are so many possibilities and options open when one doesn't have to catch a school bus in the morning, sit for most of the day in a school building and then still struggle through homework at night. Add in the stuff like being able to travel during school terms (cheap tickets, empty destinations...), no need to canvass the shops for uniforms or stationery, no letting others fill your kid's head with stuff you don't necessarily agree with, and it's looking very good indeed. There are a whole lot of positives to this one, the more I think about it.
And it completely ties in with the executive decision I took yesterday - which saw a bit of effort last night, but not enough (I worked till late at night putting in Olivia's floor). Everything feels like it's slotting into place - although there is still SO MUCH to sort out, accomplish and organize. Still, we're getting there - and it's with a sense of anticipation of some very good things that I'm rounding off this year.
OK, it's going to be a bit of a battle to find our "groove" and get things going without him degenerating into a hermit geek, but there are so many possibilities and options open when one doesn't have to catch a school bus in the morning, sit for most of the day in a school building and then still struggle through homework at night. Add in the stuff like being able to travel during school terms (cheap tickets, empty destinations...), no need to canvass the shops for uniforms or stationery, no letting others fill your kid's head with stuff you don't necessarily agree with, and it's looking very good indeed. There are a whole lot of positives to this one, the more I think about it.
And it completely ties in with the executive decision I took yesterday - which saw a bit of effort last night, but not enough (I worked till late at night putting in Olivia's floor). Everything feels like it's slotting into place - although there is still SO MUCH to sort out, accomplish and organize. Still, we're getting there - and it's with a sense of anticipation of some very good things that I'm rounding off this year.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
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Defined
I've recently (as in the last 2 hours) made an executive decision.
Yesterday I did some internal house-cleaning. I put into words some vague and nameless fears, and in naming them (and panicking about them for a while), I was able to say, "Right - now what am I going to do about it?". I'm no longer ignoring stuff that makes me feel helpless or out of control in the hope it will go away or come right. I'm taking it and wrestling it to the ground, using it as a very good incentive to stop farting around and move in the right direction. Properly and permanently. Life is short and I have stuff I want to do with it.
So I've made an executive decision - and now the slog starts. The thing is this - I'm finally willing to do it. To forgo sleep if I have to work through the night (it's not forever) - although I know I need rest as fuel for energy. To put in the effort whole-heartedly (instead of half-heartedly with a distracted mind). To change habits and create new ones (for the better). To define a path that will lead exactly where I want to go, to put my soul into the learning curves required. And in all this to maintain balance when it comes to the things that matter, the people I love.
I have given myself a deadline and a goal, I have the first steps figured out at last. That's what's been holding me back: I can picture where I want to be, can see the final steps, but these first ones have always eluded me. Not any more. (Though I admit I approach the road with butterflies in my stomach at fear of the unknown)
So yeah - another vague and rambling post. But a waymarker for me.
Yesterday I did some internal house-cleaning. I put into words some vague and nameless fears, and in naming them (and panicking about them for a while), I was able to say, "Right - now what am I going to do about it?". I'm no longer ignoring stuff that makes me feel helpless or out of control in the hope it will go away or come right. I'm taking it and wrestling it to the ground, using it as a very good incentive to stop farting around and move in the right direction. Properly and permanently. Life is short and I have stuff I want to do with it.
So I've made an executive decision - and now the slog starts. The thing is this - I'm finally willing to do it. To forgo sleep if I have to work through the night (it's not forever) - although I know I need rest as fuel for energy. To put in the effort whole-heartedly (instead of half-heartedly with a distracted mind). To change habits and create new ones (for the better). To define a path that will lead exactly where I want to go, to put my soul into the learning curves required. And in all this to maintain balance when it comes to the things that matter, the people I love.
I have given myself a deadline and a goal, I have the first steps figured out at last. That's what's been holding me back: I can picture where I want to be, can see the final steps, but these first ones have always eluded me. Not any more. (Though I admit I approach the road with butterflies in my stomach at fear of the unknown)
So yeah - another vague and rambling post. But a waymarker for me.
Change is coming
The next few months are going to be a bit of a testing ground. There's so much I need to get my head around, my life around, that it's going to take some very careful planning on my part.
First up is my son. Against all protest, he's going to be spending half his holidays as a run-around / general dogsbody at a local company. This holiday he will not be sitting on his arse in front of his computer all day and night. He will not be locking himself up in his room, only emerging to pee and eat. He will be out in the real world, learning to cope with expectations and a boss, and gathering some very valuable experience. He'll also be getting a taste of the next thing that's up on the agenda.
Home schooling. Yes, it's 99% certain that next year he will be home-schooled. Not only can I not afford the fees anymore, but after much discussion I know we're not getting our money's worth with his education. The state of schooling in general, and here in South Africa specifically, is not conducive to really preparing kids for the Big World and making a living out there. I've spouted forth on this one before - that sitting and shutting up in a classroom for 12 years means that all you end up with is having to regain a squashed love of learning, find a way to survive in society after generally getting dumped in at the deep end of life once school is done. So we'll be trying something different. Probably ACE or similar for subject matter, and again using apprenticeships, part-time helping out (he's only 14, so not of employable age legally), and more immersion in local society to ensure he ends up educated, balanced and with all the coping skills he needs. I have a few very big concerns at the outset with regards to his self-motivation and willingness to push outside his comfort zones, but those HAVE to be dealt with. He can't cower friendless in his room forever. His behaviour has become very worrying over the past 2 years, and it has to stop before it hits a complete downward spiral that bottoms out in disaster. So I'm gathering all the info I collected on home-schooling, re-acquainting myself with the country laws & regulations, and digging out that book I bought him again.
Then there's the growing-up-teen issues. He has no social skills. His personal hygiene sucks, to put it mildly. Yes, teens are difficult and sometimes don't get the need to sort themselves out, but this has to stop too. The few friends he has at school are avoiding him because he's avoiding the soap - and because he simply isn't interacting. Cutting nails is only accomplished by cutting off his internet. I don't know when last his hair saw shampoo (actually I do, I can mark it on the calendar). Showers are "stand there and let the water run over you then get out" affairs - I've stuck a prominent facecloth in there now and told him he'd better use it. I'll check tonight if he has. And I need to take a look at two books I invested in a while ago on raising boys too. Fortunately I have an amazing man to bounce stuff off, who is very wise and knows how the male brain operates. And who also gives me a kick up the butt when I get complacent! :-)
Meantime I'm working on financial options for myself. Truth is I'm not making it on my current salary although I've kept monthly expenses as low as I humanly can. I'm tired of having to scramble for cash to cover only the basics each month (no extras, no treats, no nothing else). This has gone on long enough and I'm sick of the constant worry, it's wearing me out. I need a relook at work stuff and to do some talking / negotiating, or simply take a very deep breath and a rather large plunge soon. Options being investigated in a big way, late nights being had, brain working overtime etc.
Then there's some dreams I have to get to before they die from neglect. Some hobbies and interests that need revival. There are things I want to try and perfect - there are things to be learnt and attempted. There's the marrow to be sucked out of life. And oh - before I forget - I'm soon to be a "published" writer/photographer! Just a little one. Nice.... :-)
I need to work on me too. Time to up the exercise and sort out the food side of things, then make sure that chick in the mirror looks the way I want her to. I'm avoiding the coffee machine in favour of water, and hoping for a sugar-free week to start with (one can but try). I've stocked up on some good stuff from home for lunch (no more cheese sarmie, salt & vinegar chips and an energy bar...), and am cutting down my evening meal portions so supper doesn't sit there and migrate to the hips overnight. There are a number of little things in the me category that are getting attention, being woven into the to-do list until they become a way of life.
Yup, change is coming, and I'm slotting in the required processes to my daily routines so it happens. Can't sit back and hope things go away anymore. It's time to step up and deal with it. ALL of it.
First up is my son. Against all protest, he's going to be spending half his holidays as a run-around / general dogsbody at a local company. This holiday he will not be sitting on his arse in front of his computer all day and night. He will not be locking himself up in his room, only emerging to pee and eat. He will be out in the real world, learning to cope with expectations and a boss, and gathering some very valuable experience. He'll also be getting a taste of the next thing that's up on the agenda.
Home schooling. Yes, it's 99% certain that next year he will be home-schooled. Not only can I not afford the fees anymore, but after much discussion I know we're not getting our money's worth with his education. The state of schooling in general, and here in South Africa specifically, is not conducive to really preparing kids for the Big World and making a living out there. I've spouted forth on this one before - that sitting and shutting up in a classroom for 12 years means that all you end up with is having to regain a squashed love of learning, find a way to survive in society after generally getting dumped in at the deep end of life once school is done. So we'll be trying something different. Probably ACE or similar for subject matter, and again using apprenticeships, part-time helping out (he's only 14, so not of employable age legally), and more immersion in local society to ensure he ends up educated, balanced and with all the coping skills he needs. I have a few very big concerns at the outset with regards to his self-motivation and willingness to push outside his comfort zones, but those HAVE to be dealt with. He can't cower friendless in his room forever. His behaviour has become very worrying over the past 2 years, and it has to stop before it hits a complete downward spiral that bottoms out in disaster. So I'm gathering all the info I collected on home-schooling, re-acquainting myself with the country laws & regulations, and digging out that book I bought him again.
Then there's the growing-up-teen issues. He has no social skills. His personal hygiene sucks, to put it mildly. Yes, teens are difficult and sometimes don't get the need to sort themselves out, but this has to stop too. The few friends he has at school are avoiding him because he's avoiding the soap - and because he simply isn't interacting. Cutting nails is only accomplished by cutting off his internet. I don't know when last his hair saw shampoo (actually I do, I can mark it on the calendar). Showers are "stand there and let the water run over you then get out" affairs - I've stuck a prominent facecloth in there now and told him he'd better use it. I'll check tonight if he has. And I need to take a look at two books I invested in a while ago on raising boys too. Fortunately I have an amazing man to bounce stuff off, who is very wise and knows how the male brain operates. And who also gives me a kick up the butt when I get complacent! :-)
Meantime I'm working on financial options for myself. Truth is I'm not making it on my current salary although I've kept monthly expenses as low as I humanly can. I'm tired of having to scramble for cash to cover only the basics each month (no extras, no treats, no nothing else). This has gone on long enough and I'm sick of the constant worry, it's wearing me out. I need a relook at work stuff and to do some talking / negotiating, or simply take a very deep breath and a rather large plunge soon. Options being investigated in a big way, late nights being had, brain working overtime etc.
Then there's some dreams I have to get to before they die from neglect. Some hobbies and interests that need revival. There are things I want to try and perfect - there are things to be learnt and attempted. There's the marrow to be sucked out of life. And oh - before I forget - I'm soon to be a "published" writer/photographer! Just a little one. Nice.... :-)
I need to work on me too. Time to up the exercise and sort out the food side of things, then make sure that chick in the mirror looks the way I want her to. I'm avoiding the coffee machine in favour of water, and hoping for a sugar-free week to start with (one can but try). I've stocked up on some good stuff from home for lunch (no more cheese sarmie, salt & vinegar chips and an energy bar...), and am cutting down my evening meal portions so supper doesn't sit there and migrate to the hips overnight. There are a number of little things in the me category that are getting attention, being woven into the to-do list until they become a way of life.
Yup, change is coming, and I'm slotting in the required processes to my daily routines so it happens. Can't sit back and hope things go away anymore. It's time to step up and deal with it. ALL of it.
Ponder
Yes, the blog's been extremely quiet of late. I've been very very busy. Along with the dayjob I've had a to-do list that keeps me going until midnight many nights, trying to keep ahead of life collapsing around me. I've been running on adrenalin and not much else, sometimes having to take a few deep breaths to keep from panicking.
I've also been doing some serious pondering. Like I often do... I've found myself in a constant state of self-evaluation lately. Or rather, life-evaluation. There are things that are getting me very peeved and I'm fighting to find direction to sort them out. There's a temptation to take the safe route - but that route is simply not working. There's a temptation to take my Landy and run away - but that is simply not an option. So I ponder, and I struggle forward, and I try to find a way to get to where I want to be.
Part of this pondering involves how my 24 hours per day are spent. I re-read this article recently, and I keep going back to it. It's risky, it's out-there, it's scary, it's turning societal expectations and norms on its head, but it makes so much sense. Because it's not the norm there's an immediate temptation to dismiss it and go "nah... would never work". And yet... There's a lot churning around inside me that revolves around employment, goals, cash (big one!) and living life fully. I know I need to make some big changes, take some leaps of faith and just Do It, do that stuff wandering around the corners of my blonde mind (and dusting off the blank shelves inevitably found there). But can I? Do I dare? Do I truly have what it takes to be successful at what I want to do, to accomplish what my heart dreams of? Can I survive Something Big? Are the steps I'm taking going to be enough - or will I fail hugely?
So I bide my time, and ponder. I sit and plan and struggle and try get up the courage to just Jump. I'm getting there. It's just taking longer than I wish it would.
::update::
And then there's this. Written with regard to public speaking, applicable to a whole lot more.
I've also been doing some serious pondering. Like I often do... I've found myself in a constant state of self-evaluation lately. Or rather, life-evaluation. There are things that are getting me very peeved and I'm fighting to find direction to sort them out. There's a temptation to take the safe route - but that route is simply not working. There's a temptation to take my Landy and run away - but that is simply not an option. So I ponder, and I struggle forward, and I try to find a way to get to where I want to be.
Part of this pondering involves how my 24 hours per day are spent. I re-read this article recently, and I keep going back to it. It's risky, it's out-there, it's scary, it's turning societal expectations and norms on its head, but it makes so much sense. Because it's not the norm there's an immediate temptation to dismiss it and go "nah... would never work". And yet... There's a lot churning around inside me that revolves around employment, goals, cash (big one!) and living life fully. I know I need to make some big changes, take some leaps of faith and just Do It, do that stuff wandering around the corners of my blonde mind (and dusting off the blank shelves inevitably found there). But can I? Do I dare? Do I truly have what it takes to be successful at what I want to do, to accomplish what my heart dreams of? Can I survive Something Big? Are the steps I'm taking going to be enough - or will I fail hugely?
So I bide my time, and ponder. I sit and plan and struggle and try get up the courage to just Jump. I'm getting there. It's just taking longer than I wish it would.
::update::
And then there's this. Written with regard to public speaking, applicable to a whole lot more.
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