It hardly feels like it's started, but my brief holiday between 2007 and 2008 is nearly gone. The days have flown by, with my wish-to-do-list languishing. All the things I'd like to do, planned to do, they're simply being carried over - I'm not pushing it.
But you know what? Sometimes you need to ignore the wishlist, the plans, the busyness - and simply rest. I've been in desperate need of it. Of some blank time without having to rush from task to task, duty to duty, crisis to crisis. A bit of space to try find my soul and passions again, the enjoyment of random moments in the day without the mind rushing on to what's up next.
I'm getting there. And not simply through blank nothing days, but rather through rethinking how the busy days run too. Reprioritizing how I do what I do, how I view my days and duties, and how I react to those times when I feel overwhelmed.
So yes, this holiday has come at just the right time for me to take a deep breath ahead of the new year and its challenges. Challenges I know of and those that are likely to spring up and slap me over the head when I least expect it.
It's all about maintaining that quiet pool of inner serenity, the cool deep place to draw from when all around you is desert. And filling it up regularly before it runs dry.
Dear Aunty Jane
In my quest for time-movers, I've decided to play advice columnist based on recent Google searches that have (for some strange reason) ended on this blog. So here goes!
"does brandy custard go with christmas fruitcake"
Yes, dear - it does. And if you put enough brandy in the custard you can have it on the roast too!
"lose 5kg in 5 weeks"
Possible - but wait until the festive season is over! Life's too short not to pig out once a year. Oh, you may want to try some Picolax to help you out.
"hot south african men"
I have it on good authority that mine is steaming-hot. For goodness sake it's nearly 40 degrees C out there! Go find a beach and pick one up for yourself.
"serenity adoptions"
Right - one 14-year-old male going looking for a home. Comes fully attached to a computer and only needs regular slices of bread. Will throw in two free dogs.
"importance of attending to personal hygiene"
See 14-year-old male.
"cool green things"
Greenguage jelly. Cucumbers. 10-minute-old snot. Winter swimming pools. Green mambas. Algae in mountain streams. Lettuce. Cream soda slushie.
"why men are scared of women"
One word. Mornings. OK, here's another two - bed-hair.
"ass hair removal"
See here. Just move it over a few centimetres.
"if I can help somebody"
See "Donations" button to the right. Or click on a Google ad or two. Daily.
"car fright ad"
See here.
"how to prepare a spit braai recipe"
Easy - follow the instructions. Hmmm... let me rephrase that. It's not at all easy. Or cheap. Get a friend to do it and invite yourself over.
"beyond the night the rising sun"
Aaah, love that song! Stargate Atlantis, warrior chickie singing at a funeral. Wouldn't mind it sung at mine. I think there's something that appeals to my Irish roots in the music... and the words rock.
"south african chocolate mousse recipe"
My favourite one is right here. Just don't use house-brand evaporated milk for it. Ideal or Carnation Milk only. As I learnt to my detriment on my birthday.
"a blessing shower"
I presume "blessing" and "golden" are not the same thing...
And why are there so many searches for "fat lady" images hitting my blog...??? :-)
That's all for now folks! Tune in next time for more exciting Google results.
"does brandy custard go with christmas fruitcake"
Yes, dear - it does. And if you put enough brandy in the custard you can have it on the roast too!
"lose 5kg in 5 weeks"
Possible - but wait until the festive season is over! Life's too short not to pig out once a year. Oh, you may want to try some Picolax to help you out.
"hot south african men"
I have it on good authority that mine is steaming-hot. For goodness sake it's nearly 40 degrees C out there! Go find a beach and pick one up for yourself.
"serenity adoptions"
Right - one 14-year-old male going looking for a home. Comes fully attached to a computer and only needs regular slices of bread. Will throw in two free dogs.
"importance of attending to personal hygiene"
See 14-year-old male.
"cool green things"
Greenguage jelly. Cucumbers. 10-minute-old snot. Winter swimming pools. Green mambas. Algae in mountain streams. Lettuce. Cream soda slushie.
"why men are scared of women"
One word. Mornings. OK, here's another two - bed-hair.
"ass hair removal"
See here. Just move it over a few centimetres.
"if I can help somebody"
See "Donations" button to the right. Or click on a Google ad or two. Daily.
"car fright ad"
See here.
"how to prepare a spit braai recipe"
Easy - follow the instructions. Hmmm... let me rephrase that. It's not at all easy. Or cheap. Get a friend to do it and invite yourself over.
"beyond the night the rising sun"
Aaah, love that song! Stargate Atlantis, warrior chickie singing at a funeral. Wouldn't mind it sung at mine. I think there's something that appeals to my Irish roots in the music... and the words rock.
"south african chocolate mousse recipe"
My favourite one is right here. Just don't use house-brand evaporated milk for it. Ideal or Carnation Milk only. As I learnt to my detriment on my birthday.
"a blessing shower"
I presume "blessing" and "golden" are not the same thing...
And why are there so many searches for "fat lady" images hitting my blog...??? :-)
That's all for now folks! Tune in next time for more exciting Google results.
As Time Goes By
The day is completely and utterly dragging today. It feels like I've been here a week! I guess that's the last-day-of-work-for-the-year syndrome kicking in.
At least one of my email lists has folk wondering if they're the only ones left in the office. Nope, they're not. But here in sunny SAfrica things tend to seriously close down mid-December. Come 16 December, most industrial companies have ceased being industrious until mid-January! Which is awfully frustrating for those still soldiering (or soldering) on.
Anyhoo, today a lot of folk are sitting twiddling their thumbs and clock-watching. It's hard to get into the working spirit when you're mere hours away from a 10-day or more break! Even more so when it's summer outdoors, indoors the aircon is freezing your limbs off, and half the world is at the beach.
Nevertheless I'll persevere. This too shall pass (in about an hour and a half, actually). Then it's a brief run past some still-open industrial shops, and home to those I love.
Holidays!!!!
At least one of my email lists has folk wondering if they're the only ones left in the office. Nope, they're not. But here in sunny SAfrica things tend to seriously close down mid-December. Come 16 December, most industrial companies have ceased being industrious until mid-January! Which is awfully frustrating for those still soldiering (or soldering) on.
Anyhoo, today a lot of folk are sitting twiddling their thumbs and clock-watching. It's hard to get into the working spirit when you're mere hours away from a 10-day or more break! Even more so when it's summer outdoors, indoors the aircon is freezing your limbs off, and half the world is at the beach.
Nevertheless I'll persevere. This too shall pass (in about an hour and a half, actually). Then it's a brief run past some still-open industrial shops, and home to those I love.
Holidays!!!!
unFestive - take 3
Less than a week to Xmas and I'm as unfestive and uninspired as ever.
Well... sorta.
There's still no Xmas decor around the house, no tree, no lights, no nothing. Favourite Man would like one of these though.. ;-) I may need to put the kid onto throwing some glitter around the house and tarting it up festively.
Meantime I have yet to do Xmas shopping. Yup, less than a week and clueless. How disorganized is that! And yet I do have direction.
The thing is this - sometimes inspiration strikes under pressure. It used to happen a lot with the kid's birthday parties. We'd get a basic theme together, I'd start pondering, but the best stuff happened the day before we were to host it, when suddenly I'd come up with the most marvellous ideas that the kids then went completely nuts for.
Same thing's happening with Xmas this year. Last minute ideas crashing in, last minute inspiration slapping me upside the head. So yes, gifts will be given - not expensive gifts, but gifts nonetheless.
Now all I need to do is find a little bit of time to go get the basics...
Well... sorta.
There's still no Xmas decor around the house, no tree, no lights, no nothing. Favourite Man would like one of these though.. ;-) I may need to put the kid onto throwing some glitter around the house and tarting it up festively.
Meantime I have yet to do Xmas shopping. Yup, less than a week and clueless. How disorganized is that! And yet I do have direction.
The thing is this - sometimes inspiration strikes under pressure. It used to happen a lot with the kid's birthday parties. We'd get a basic theme together, I'd start pondering, but the best stuff happened the day before we were to host it, when suddenly I'd come up with the most marvellous ideas that the kids then went completely nuts for.
Same thing's happening with Xmas this year. Last minute ideas crashing in, last minute inspiration slapping me upside the head. So yes, gifts will be given - not expensive gifts, but gifts nonetheless.
Now all I need to do is find a little bit of time to go get the basics...
Sleep
A lack of sleep is a funny thing. This morning I'm running on about 3 hours' worth for (very) good reason, and found myself forgetting routine tasks first thing this morning - like the usual cup of coffee that Favourite Man gets, and putting away the butter after breakfast. It took me a while to click that I needed to do these, even though they were blatantly staring me in the face. Heck - I even switched on the kettle and waited for it to boil without first switching on the wall plug!
Minimum sleep puts a bit of a cushion on the day. Edges are less clear, experiences less sharp. You kind of drift through life - bit dangerous in commuter traffic, I guess. If I were a substance-using individual I'd likely compare it to being just a little bit stoned.
Yet at the same time I'm running on adrenalin or something similar - I'm powering through tasks I've set myself at a rate of knots.
There are days where a lack of sleep would have me dozing at the desk, literally unable to keep my eyes open (been there, done that - twice in one day recently). Then there are days like this - where a lack of sleep actually energizes me. I know that if I slow down I'll fall down, so I'm pushing forward and driving myself toward what needs doing, forcing myself to think as clearly as possible, putting in the extra effort needed to work out issues.
Yes, I'm yawning constantly, but perhaps a lack of sleep can be a good thing at times?
Minimum sleep puts a bit of a cushion on the day. Edges are less clear, experiences less sharp. You kind of drift through life - bit dangerous in commuter traffic, I guess. If I were a substance-using individual I'd likely compare it to being just a little bit stoned.
Yet at the same time I'm running on adrenalin or something similar - I'm powering through tasks I've set myself at a rate of knots.
There are days where a lack of sleep would have me dozing at the desk, literally unable to keep my eyes open (been there, done that - twice in one day recently). Then there are days like this - where a lack of sleep actually energizes me. I know that if I slow down I'll fall down, so I'm pushing forward and driving myself toward what needs doing, forcing myself to think as clearly as possible, putting in the extra effort needed to work out issues.
Yes, I'm yawning constantly, but perhaps a lack of sleep can be a good thing at times?
Habit
For 10 years I lived in a house where the toilet roll was to the left of the toilet. 8 months into living in a new house I still find myself reaching to the wrong side of the toilet regularly...
Thus concludes your pointless post of the day. :-)
Thus concludes your pointless post of the day. :-)
Oops
Last night Favourite Man and I decided to indulge in a spot of off-roading in Olivia. There's a place nearby that has a good deal of steep hills, challenging dirt tracks and tight turns. Of course Olivia handled them all in her stride, chugging along happily up and down the mountain.
It was also a bit of a photo-op chance to catch a few good shots of my truck.
We crested the hill just as the sun was setting - a perfect view of mountain and truck, so I trundled off into a knee-high field of long grass and hunkered down for a good view.
Back in the truck I picked two ticks off my clothes - a reminder that there are bugs in wild places. And then the hayfever set in... worse than I've ever had it! Within minutes my throat had completely closed, my ears were zinging and sounds were muted. Nose running, sneezing incessantly, I grabbed an Allergex from the handbag in the hope it would kick in quickly.
It didn't.
Another Allergex at home got stuck under my tongue to be absorbed by the soft tissues as quickly as possible. Still I couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow, couldn't hear and felt like I was living in cottonwool. Not at all good. By the time I hit the sack for bedtime my uvula was swollen down into the throat making swallowing near impossible without choking. (Still on the mend from a head cold and sore throat hasn't helped)
I slept with my mouth open last night. I'm pretty sure Favourite Man heard me snoring all night long. Today I still have swallowing issues, a runny nose and "padded" hearing. This hayfever session is taking more than a little time to end!
So lesson learnt - if you're going to suffer for your art, make sure you're stocked up on Allergex...
It was also a bit of a photo-op chance to catch a few good shots of my truck.
We crested the hill just as the sun was setting - a perfect view of mountain and truck, so I trundled off into a knee-high field of long grass and hunkered down for a good view.
Back in the truck I picked two ticks off my clothes - a reminder that there are bugs in wild places. And then the hayfever set in... worse than I've ever had it! Within minutes my throat had completely closed, my ears were zinging and sounds were muted. Nose running, sneezing incessantly, I grabbed an Allergex from the handbag in the hope it would kick in quickly.
It didn't.
Another Allergex at home got stuck under my tongue to be absorbed by the soft tissues as quickly as possible. Still I couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow, couldn't hear and felt like I was living in cottonwool. Not at all good. By the time I hit the sack for bedtime my uvula was swollen down into the throat making swallowing near impossible without choking. (Still on the mend from a head cold and sore throat hasn't helped)
I slept with my mouth open last night. I'm pretty sure Favourite Man heard me snoring all night long. Today I still have swallowing issues, a runny nose and "padded" hearing. This hayfever session is taking more than a little time to end!
So lesson learnt - if you're going to suffer for your art, make sure you're stocked up on Allergex...
Much and Little
I've noticed something lately with the kid. And it may be at the root of a lot of problems.
If I require little of him, I get less than little - I get nothing at all.
If I require much of him, he pulls finger and performs. (Usually - and sometimes he surprises us with top-notch work)
And therein lies the whole issue (for which I'm about to be judged big-time by anyone reading this...). I haven't required enough of him during his life. He hasn't had enough chores, enough discipline, enough regulation, responsibility and restriction to form a strong sense of self-purpose, self-control and self-management. I know he WANTS to do things, but he doesn't yet have the direction to know how to take initiative and do them un-asked.
OK, this may sound like so much hogwash and mumbo-jumbo, but bear with me as I philosophize a bit.
This morning I sent him a list of things to accomplish. He's doing them, with only one question as to how to do something. Yesterday I didn't - and he did nothing. His personality differs from mine quite a bit, and I need to bear that in mind as I try to raise him - he learns differently, he sees things differently, so it means an adjustment of my own view to see through his eyes and help him along. Which may mean that he deals more in lists than abstracts - and that I need to work out a daily list of to-do until he can work out his own.
So one of the solutions to the problems we're experiencing may simply be to require more of him, to ask him to stretch himself to new turf and put in effort.
Dunno - can only try. One step at a time.
If I require little of him, I get less than little - I get nothing at all.
If I require much of him, he pulls finger and performs. (Usually - and sometimes he surprises us with top-notch work)
And therein lies the whole issue (for which I'm about to be judged big-time by anyone reading this...). I haven't required enough of him during his life. He hasn't had enough chores, enough discipline, enough regulation, responsibility and restriction to form a strong sense of self-purpose, self-control and self-management. I know he WANTS to do things, but he doesn't yet have the direction to know how to take initiative and do them un-asked.
OK, this may sound like so much hogwash and mumbo-jumbo, but bear with me as I philosophize a bit.
This morning I sent him a list of things to accomplish. He's doing them, with only one question as to how to do something. Yesterday I didn't - and he did nothing. His personality differs from mine quite a bit, and I need to bear that in mind as I try to raise him - he learns differently, he sees things differently, so it means an adjustment of my own view to see through his eyes and help him along. Which may mean that he deals more in lists than abstracts - and that I need to work out a daily list of to-do until he can work out his own.
So one of the solutions to the problems we're experiencing may simply be to require more of him, to ask him to stretch himself to new turf and put in effort.
Dunno - can only try. One step at a time.
Another year older
I'm not one for making a big do of things, but yesterday's birthday was really really great. It started just after midnight with a super prezzie from Favourite Man (accompanied by hugs and kisses and all that good stuff) and hit a high note from then on. Ended it with supper overlooking the Gordons Bay harbour as the sun set in brilliant oranges and pinks - and then a stroll along the quay under a sickle moon. The route home was via the beach, the Xmas lights, and one photo opp for Olivia with all her new lights blazing in the dark. It was filled with good things from one end to the other - love, laughter, happiness, and a Landy that didn't give me any hassles (for a change), just chugged along like she's supposed to :-)
Am I feeling older? Nah... not really. But I do face the year ahead with new determination, courage and hope. I've taken a deep breath, cleared out the mental cobwebs, gathered up rediscovered strength to face the challenges ahead. And there will indeed be challenges. Many of my resolutions are going to take a lot of hard slog, mental clarity and sacrifice to reach what I'm aiming for. But they will be very worth it.
So yup, another year older. Age is just a number, right? :-)
Am I feeling older? Nah... not really. But I do face the year ahead with new determination, courage and hope. I've taken a deep breath, cleared out the mental cobwebs, gathered up rediscovered strength to face the challenges ahead. And there will indeed be challenges. Many of my resolutions are going to take a lot of hard slog, mental clarity and sacrifice to reach what I'm aiming for. But they will be very worth it.
So yup, another year older. Age is just a number, right? :-)
Magnificence, My Arse?
One year ago I laid down a few new resolutions to get to. I'm pleased to report that most of them are fulfilled! A year ago I had no idea what changes would come my way. A year ago I had no idea of the absolute happiness and overwhelming joy I'd start this day with. A year ago I was in such a different place...
The one thing that I've fallen down a little on is the Year of Magnificence. I was off to a good start, but it petered out. I'm better than I was (a LOT better), but not where I'd hoped I'd be. My arse being one of the problems.. ;-) I've yet to get back into the walking routine I had before we moved to our new house. But I've upped the magnificence in so many other areas. I do have a number of goals I'm reaching for, but overall it has indeed been a year of magnificence in so many ways.
Looking ahead, perhaps it's time to make a few more resolutions. There are many private ones that I won't blog, but here are the more public ones:
* I will sort my son out. I've been too close to the situation to see that things have spiralled out of control. I've been feeling too powerless and lost to know how to fix what I can see is wrong. It's taken some clear-headed outside perspectives to show me that I've stuffed up as a parent. With new challenges in the form of home-schooling and personal growth ahead, I need to take control of this situation and deal with it, thoroughly and properly.
* I will not be afraid to dream big. Nor to jump for those dreams in spite of the chasm between me and them. The dreaming is easy - the jumping is not. This year I will leap in faith, leap with the knowledge that I am enough to achieve those dreams.
* I will continue to live with open hands - not clinging to material possessions, willing to let go, willing to ditch everything I own if it means I'm step closer to a goal. I know what is required, I will carry on walking the path I need to and up my game considerably.
* I will continue to add to my skills, passions and interests. This past year has been a learning curve as I tackled Olivia and discovered the wonders of mechanics, welding, decent soldering, basic electrics, metal work and so very much more. It's opened up a whole lot of things to explore and dig deeper into. I've changed careers, I've been "published" as a writer, I've found the love of my life.. :-) (yeah, just had to throw that one in somewhere). This year I want to delve deeper into things I enjoy and rack up both skill and knowledge.
* I will live fully, love fully, get my hands dirty in rich experience. No sitting on the sidelines and watching life go by. I'll take the risks to suck the marrow out of life, regardless. It's SO worth it.
So that's this year's list, in brief. The behind-the-scenes things may need to be noted in a real paper journal for reference.
But hey - retirement approaches! :-) Let's see what I can accomplish while I'm still young enough to do so.
The one thing that I've fallen down a little on is the Year of Magnificence. I was off to a good start, but it petered out. I'm better than I was (a LOT better), but not where I'd hoped I'd be. My arse being one of the problems.. ;-) I've yet to get back into the walking routine I had before we moved to our new house. But I've upped the magnificence in so many other areas. I do have a number of goals I'm reaching for, but overall it has indeed been a year of magnificence in so many ways.
Looking ahead, perhaps it's time to make a few more resolutions. There are many private ones that I won't blog, but here are the more public ones:
* I will sort my son out. I've been too close to the situation to see that things have spiralled out of control. I've been feeling too powerless and lost to know how to fix what I can see is wrong. It's taken some clear-headed outside perspectives to show me that I've stuffed up as a parent. With new challenges in the form of home-schooling and personal growth ahead, I need to take control of this situation and deal with it, thoroughly and properly.
* I will not be afraid to dream big. Nor to jump for those dreams in spite of the chasm between me and them. The dreaming is easy - the jumping is not. This year I will leap in faith, leap with the knowledge that I am enough to achieve those dreams.
* I will continue to live with open hands - not clinging to material possessions, willing to let go, willing to ditch everything I own if it means I'm step closer to a goal. I know what is required, I will carry on walking the path I need to and up my game considerably.
* I will continue to add to my skills, passions and interests. This past year has been a learning curve as I tackled Olivia and discovered the wonders of mechanics, welding, decent soldering, basic electrics, metal work and so very much more. It's opened up a whole lot of things to explore and dig deeper into. I've changed careers, I've been "published" as a writer, I've found the love of my life.. :-) (yeah, just had to throw that one in somewhere). This year I want to delve deeper into things I enjoy and rack up both skill and knowledge.
* I will live fully, love fully, get my hands dirty in rich experience. No sitting on the sidelines and watching life go by. I'll take the risks to suck the marrow out of life, regardless. It's SO worth it.
So that's this year's list, in brief. The behind-the-scenes things may need to be noted in a real paper journal for reference.
But hey - retirement approaches! :-) Let's see what I can accomplish while I'm still young enough to do so.
Been there, done that
Just caught my uncle in the USA online for a quick chat and mentioned my son's homeschooling for next year. Guess what - he's the first family member that's said "great idea - go for it!" :-) And why? Because they homeschooled my cousins 10 years ago and it turned into a fantastic experience!
The boys didn't die. They didn't shrink and shrivel up into mere shells of humanity. In fact they thrived! They're both doing very very well.
So there's hope. There's courage to be drawn from those who have been there, done that. And the more I ponder what's in store, the more positive I am that it will work out - and work out well.
It's just the thought I need to go into the weekend with, while plotting and planning the route ahead.
The boys didn't die. They didn't shrink and shrivel up into mere shells of humanity. In fact they thrived! They're both doing very very well.
So there's hope. There's courage to be drawn from those who have been there, done that. And the more I ponder what's in store, the more positive I am that it will work out - and work out well.
It's just the thought I need to go into the weekend with, while plotting and planning the route ahead.
unFestive - take 2
Right, so I've decided to pull up my unFestive (Xmas)socks and make a plan. As of this morning I have a couple of wishlists covered with regard to gifts. Things that won't take a million bucks but will require some effort on my part. Things that may actually be appreciated by those who receive them, and not relegated to the back of the cupboard. They may not last too long, but they're gifts nonetheless and you won't find them in the shops. You won't find me in the shops either - bar a quick dash to only one of them to cover the required bits & pieces.
Of course the hardest folk to give to are those you love the most. Favourite Man and son are precisely that. One wants everything under the sun and the other can't tell me what he wants - no prizes guessing who is who. Those two WILL require more than a single shop, but heaven alone knows which one I should aim for.
As to the decorations, well I got home yesterday to find my son sorting ornaments. I guess I'll leave that side of the festive season up to him. I'll bake a few things, I'll make a few things, and I'll sing an Xmas carol if I really really have to.
See, I can be festive if I put my mind to it. Sorta :-)
Of course the hardest folk to give to are those you love the most. Favourite Man and son are precisely that. One wants everything under the sun and the other can't tell me what he wants - no prizes guessing who is who. Those two WILL require more than a single shop, but heaven alone knows which one I should aim for.
As to the decorations, well I got home yesterday to find my son sorting ornaments. I guess I'll leave that side of the festive season up to him. I'll bake a few things, I'll make a few things, and I'll sing an Xmas carol if I really really have to.
See, I can be festive if I put my mind to it. Sorta :-)
A little while back I mentioned something about seeing my name in print soon. Well the word is out. Click here.
Guilt
Guilt is a powerful thing. A very effective control mechanism.
Take today, for instance. I'm sick as anything, sitting here with a sore throat, a headache that's been going for days, eyes that want to explode and an urge to just crawl up under the desk and sleep. I'm ahead of schedule on all my work by weeks - yet I can't go home and rest. Why? Cos I'll be made to feel guilty if I do. Not in so many words, but simply by the attitudes I have to deal with and comments dropped innocently-enough into conversation. Then there's the ubiquitious sick leave form - "we're checking up on you" material. Add in the fact that it's Thursday. If I end up in bed now and am still sick tomorrow, policy requires a doctor's letter for being sick on Friday. Or Monday. Even if you can't afford to see a doctor. So you end up guilty and at work, spreading your germs through the central aircon to everyone else. And by default contagious guilt too.
Then there's in religious guilt. Having stepped out of church a few years ago, I'm cynically examining the whole religion machine from a distance. I know of too many people who go to church because they'd feel guilty if they didn't. That if they don't pitch up at a certain place and time, or perform certain acts, or look a certain way, or act a certain way (or pray, or read their Bible...) - well then they're all just going to hell. Guilt kicks in, forcing them to conform to the herd. Or else.
There's festive guilt too - see my last post. You know your great-aunt's cousin twice-removed is getting you something for Xmas, so you must reciprocate or you'll feel bad. Or they'll feel bad. Or something. And the shops feed into this particular one, urging you to show your love by giving them your cash in a frenzy of spending madness that has some of us avoiding malls like the plague for fear of being trampled. The ads scream that the only way to show we care is to up the prezzie value. Traditions kick in and say you have to do this, eat that, wrap the other, decorate like an American (winter scenes in summer? yeah right!), or it's not Xmas. So we guiltily go off and do what's expected, leaving fake snow and a wilting pine tree in our wake.
There's educational guilt. I've faced this one for years. Keep the kid in the system even if it's doing him no good, rather than go off and try something radical, something different, something dangerous - that could turn his life into a big amazing successful adventure (or bomb completely - but you never know until you try). If you take him out, you're made to feel guilty for denying him any one of a thousand different things - from socialization (what - with the kids he avoids between class and at breaks?), to success (what about those who forged their own way without a university degree?), to a "Christian education" (nope, not going to even go there). There's guilt loaded on from people who can't understand what you're trying to do. Who don't get that things need to change before it's too late. Who would prefer societal conforming at all costs "for his sake". So the guilt at even thinking of walking another route keeps you toeing the line. At least for a time.
Is there a point to this post? Nah. Just a few thick-head-induced reflections.
Take today, for instance. I'm sick as anything, sitting here with a sore throat, a headache that's been going for days, eyes that want to explode and an urge to just crawl up under the desk and sleep. I'm ahead of schedule on all my work by weeks - yet I can't go home and rest. Why? Cos I'll be made to feel guilty if I do. Not in so many words, but simply by the attitudes I have to deal with and comments dropped innocently-enough into conversation. Then there's the ubiquitious sick leave form - "we're checking up on you" material. Add in the fact that it's Thursday. If I end up in bed now and am still sick tomorrow, policy requires a doctor's letter for being sick on Friday. Or Monday. Even if you can't afford to see a doctor. So you end up guilty and at work, spreading your germs through the central aircon to everyone else. And by default contagious guilt too.
Then there's in religious guilt. Having stepped out of church a few years ago, I'm cynically examining the whole religion machine from a distance. I know of too many people who go to church because they'd feel guilty if they didn't. That if they don't pitch up at a certain place and time, or perform certain acts, or look a certain way, or act a certain way (or pray, or read their Bible...) - well then they're all just going to hell. Guilt kicks in, forcing them to conform to the herd. Or else.
There's festive guilt too - see my last post. You know your great-aunt's cousin twice-removed is getting you something for Xmas, so you must reciprocate or you'll feel bad. Or they'll feel bad. Or something. And the shops feed into this particular one, urging you to show your love by giving them your cash in a frenzy of spending madness that has some of us avoiding malls like the plague for fear of being trampled. The ads scream that the only way to show we care is to up the prezzie value. Traditions kick in and say you have to do this, eat that, wrap the other, decorate like an American (winter scenes in summer? yeah right!), or it's not Xmas. So we guiltily go off and do what's expected, leaving fake snow and a wilting pine tree in our wake.
There's educational guilt. I've faced this one for years. Keep the kid in the system even if it's doing him no good, rather than go off and try something radical, something different, something dangerous - that could turn his life into a big amazing successful adventure (or bomb completely - but you never know until you try). If you take him out, you're made to feel guilty for denying him any one of a thousand different things - from socialization (what - with the kids he avoids between class and at breaks?), to success (what about those who forged their own way without a university degree?), to a "Christian education" (nope, not going to even go there). There's guilt loaded on from people who can't understand what you're trying to do. Who don't get that things need to change before it's too late. Who would prefer societal conforming at all costs "for his sake". So the guilt at even thinking of walking another route keeps you toeing the line. At least for a time.
Is there a point to this post? Nah. Just a few thick-head-induced reflections.
unFestive
Usually by this time each year I have:
1. Done the Xmas prezzie shopping - or at least have a list of a few remaining items left to make/buy/find.
2. Have a plan in place for how I'll spend my leave
3. Know what I'm doing with Xmas eve, Xmas day etc.
4. Have started on the Xmas baking
5. Have stocked up on non-perishable grocery items for 2 months so I can avoid all the malls while our upcountry visitors are around, and still have food to eat through the "lean month" of January when the next salary infusion seems forever away.
Needless to say, I've done none of that this year. The past few months have been one long Olivia-fixing slog that have taken every spare hour in the day, every spare cent lying around, every little bit of my energy. Although my son has an Xmas wish list a mile long, I haven't even thought about what's a remote possibility off of it yet. I don't have a wishlist for myself that could be bought out of shops either, and when folk ask what I want for Xmas/birthday - I don't know what to say!
I guess all I really want is this: to make it to January intact. To get back on my financial feet quickly so I can ditch the worry, random panic attacks, terrible dreams and stress. To have a rest over Xmas that will cleanse me inside and out. To have time to enjoy those I love, and space to think through so many things that I need to sort out as the new year approaches - to come up with a Plan. To make those around me happy. To not end the year feeling like a total failure.
Right now I don't want to have to think about decorations and shopping and providing a million and one distant relatives with gifts that are "expensive" enough to count as making an effort. If I could I'd escape Xmas completely, or just put it off until next year.
Yup, this year I'm completely and utterly unFestive. While the rest of the world goes jingle-bell mad around me.
1. Done the Xmas prezzie shopping - or at least have a list of a few remaining items left to make/buy/find.
2. Have a plan in place for how I'll spend my leave
3. Know what I'm doing with Xmas eve, Xmas day etc.
4. Have started on the Xmas baking
5. Have stocked up on non-perishable grocery items for 2 months so I can avoid all the malls while our upcountry visitors are around, and still have food to eat through the "lean month" of January when the next salary infusion seems forever away.
Needless to say, I've done none of that this year. The past few months have been one long Olivia-fixing slog that have taken every spare hour in the day, every spare cent lying around, every little bit of my energy. Although my son has an Xmas wish list a mile long, I haven't even thought about what's a remote possibility off of it yet. I don't have a wishlist for myself that could be bought out of shops either, and when folk ask what I want for Xmas/birthday - I don't know what to say!
I guess all I really want is this: to make it to January intact. To get back on my financial feet quickly so I can ditch the worry, random panic attacks, terrible dreams and stress. To have a rest over Xmas that will cleanse me inside and out. To have time to enjoy those I love, and space to think through so many things that I need to sort out as the new year approaches - to come up with a Plan. To make those around me happy. To not end the year feeling like a total failure.
Right now I don't want to have to think about decorations and shopping and providing a million and one distant relatives with gifts that are "expensive" enough to count as making an effort. If I could I'd escape Xmas completely, or just put it off until next year.
Yup, this year I'm completely and utterly unFestive. While the rest of the world goes jingle-bell mad around me.
Micro
In less than a week I turn 36. I now classify as what one might term a "mature female" - though not so mature as to classify as "biltong" just yet. But definitely an adult who knows herself well enough to be able to move through life with confidence and at least some sense of direction.
Which is why mico-management grates on me so effectively. I don't know if it's a power issue, but there are some I've noticed who really like to supervise the every move of others, even those not directly under their scope of responsibility. It's a constant checking up on people, judging their actions or perceived inaction, attempting to control how they think or work or act - specifically if it falls outside the realm of how they think/work/act themselves. From family members to colleagues, those above in the pecking order and those below, it plays itself out minute to minute and day to day. (Of course, self-micro-management is not necessarily present... and lends a rather ironic air to the entire thing)
Which I guess is fine if you believe that everyone needs to conform to the general herd, carbon copies of each other. But not so fine if, like me, you see things from a very different perspective. Nor so fine if you reckon you're old enough and mature enough to not need micro-managing - to know what you have to do, what it will take to accomplish it, and have set out the path required to follow - even if it looks different from how others think it should be.
Being micro-managed really gets my goat. It's a blatant vote of no-confidence in your personal ability to self-manage. It's nitpicking while the bigger picture goes out the window. It may also be a "difference between the way people think" thing... One-track single-task mind vs multi-tasking mult-tracking mind - and an inability to see how the other one works.
But enough amateur psychology on my part. I'm simply stating for the record that micro-management sucks. And that I'm old enough not to need it, not to stand for it.
Which is why mico-management grates on me so effectively. I don't know if it's a power issue, but there are some I've noticed who really like to supervise the every move of others, even those not directly under their scope of responsibility. It's a constant checking up on people, judging their actions or perceived inaction, attempting to control how they think or work or act - specifically if it falls outside the realm of how they think/work/act themselves. From family members to colleagues, those above in the pecking order and those below, it plays itself out minute to minute and day to day. (Of course, self-micro-management is not necessarily present... and lends a rather ironic air to the entire thing)
Which I guess is fine if you believe that everyone needs to conform to the general herd, carbon copies of each other. But not so fine if, like me, you see things from a very different perspective. Nor so fine if you reckon you're old enough and mature enough to not need micro-managing - to know what you have to do, what it will take to accomplish it, and have set out the path required to follow - even if it looks different from how others think it should be.
Being micro-managed really gets my goat. It's a blatant vote of no-confidence in your personal ability to self-manage. It's nitpicking while the bigger picture goes out the window. It may also be a "difference between the way people think" thing... One-track single-task mind vs multi-tasking mult-tracking mind - and an inability to see how the other one works.
But enough amateur psychology on my part. I'm simply stating for the record that micro-management sucks. And that I'm old enough not to need it, not to stand for it.
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