It's late. Waaayyy past my normal bedtime. I can feel the over-tired that kicked in a while ago, but here I am - still up. Still at it. Working on things that probably need more concentration than I can rightly muster.
Funny how sometimes I work better when my eyes are propped open with matchsticks. Not often, but sometimes. When I have to push myself beyond what's comfortable into that Zone where things get done.
Tonight it's my brain that's overfull, that's keeping me up. The quest for accommodation continues, and is not looking too hopeful. The Landy does have a rooftop tent, but I don't think the piano and dogs will fit inside.. :-) I have a long list of requirements including affordability, and that's where we're falling down in the search. The areas I'm looking in are beyond our reach financially - the areas that are affordable are beyond our reach practically. I'm hoping for a compromise, or perhaps the perfect place, when I pick up the new edition of the weekly newspaper first thing tomorrow morning.
In the meantime the house is starting to collect boxes. Shelves are emptying, cardboard's piling up in faith. Little by little our lives are being sorted into squares and rectangles, arranged to fit with the lid down tight. I'm taking this opportunity to get rid of clutter and stuff we really don't need, moving only what we want to keep. Or at least that's the plan - I'm more likely to chuck it all into the moving van and sort it out later. Which is why my current garage still contains barely-looked-at boxes from the move 10 years ago.. :-)
There are other things on my mind tonight too. Like why can't I say what I feel so many times? What's holding me back? And things like, what am I prepared to give up to follow a dream? There's also "why the hell am I not yet in bed and sleeping..." - that overtired thing is starting to cycle back to must-sleep mode. Yet hitting the sheets now will mean another hour of toss-and-turn as my thoughts attempt to drip out my ears and make way for rest.
Yeah, it's late - sometimes I don't make sense! :-)
Have you ever tried to write down that amazing thought in the middle of the night - only to find out it's utter nonsense in the morning? Wonder if I'll feel the same way about this post come daylight.
Win Big!
Mere hours to go... but you may still be able to sneak in an entry...
Go ahead - Dazzle!
Disclaimer - it's not that I don't want to win, but hey, I'm all for fair game, and I'd like to give Kyknoord a bit more work, keep him out of mischief (as if!) and all that.. :-)
Go ahead - Dazzle!
Disclaimer - it's not that I don't want to win, but hey, I'm all for fair game, and I'd like to give Kyknoord a bit more work, keep him out of mischief (as if!) and all that.. :-)
Photoblog: "Eyeballs"
We call baby tomatoes eyeballs - cos you pop them in your mouth and they explode like we imagine an eyeball would if you bit it... :-)
These are going to be ready to munch straight off the vine within days. Fresh, organic, delicious!
Eclipse
Herewith your info bulletin of the day.
There will be a total Lunar Eclipse at around 2 in the morning on Sunday, 3 March.
Yes, I know it's a bit late/early. I'm thinking pyjama party.. ;-)
There will be a total Lunar Eclipse at around 2 in the morning on Sunday, 3 March.
Yes, I know it's a bit late/early. I'm thinking pyjama party.. ;-)
The trouble with small gadgety things
Forgive me if you're one of the two people I've told this sad tale to already... :-)
Yesterday I got up early and went grocery shopping, to avoid the usual Sunday crowds. As I got back to the car with a trolley-load of goodies and threw a large bag of dogfood in the boot, I suddenly noticed my cellphone storage pouch on the handbag was open - and the cellphone missing!
It's one of those really silly storage pouches. Not up-and-down, but you slide the phone in sideways, and it's closed with velcro (which doesn't always close too well). It's on the outside of the bag, so is always getting caught on things or deciding to open at the wrong moment and dumping my poor phone out. It's easy to pick-pocket the thing if I'm standing around anywhere.
So when I noticed the phone gone, I hit panic mode. Ran back into the mall (leaving the car unlocked! oops), checking all the way where I'd walked to see if by some chance the phone was still lying around and hadn't been snapped up by "a lucky shopper".
Nothing!
Nothing at the till where I paid, nothing anywhere. Back the car - still nothing. Looked under it, in it.. nothing! Checked the boot. Still nothing. Oh hell... I can't afford to lose the phone!!!
And then I noticed a sliver of silver, way down between the spare tyre and the hollow it's stored in, in the boot. The darn phone fell out while I was chucking the dogfood in! Sjoe. Major relief.
Needless to say, top of my shopping list now is a new handbag - big enough to comfortably take all a woman needs (including digital camera). One with cellphone storage INSIDE it.
Yesterday I got up early and went grocery shopping, to avoid the usual Sunday crowds. As I got back to the car with a trolley-load of goodies and threw a large bag of dogfood in the boot, I suddenly noticed my cellphone storage pouch on the handbag was open - and the cellphone missing!
It's one of those really silly storage pouches. Not up-and-down, but you slide the phone in sideways, and it's closed with velcro (which doesn't always close too well). It's on the outside of the bag, so is always getting caught on things or deciding to open at the wrong moment and dumping my poor phone out. It's easy to pick-pocket the thing if I'm standing around anywhere.
So when I noticed the phone gone, I hit panic mode. Ran back into the mall (leaving the car unlocked! oops), checking all the way where I'd walked to see if by some chance the phone was still lying around and hadn't been snapped up by "a lucky shopper".
Nothing!
Nothing at the till where I paid, nothing anywhere. Back the car - still nothing. Looked under it, in it.. nothing! Checked the boot. Still nothing. Oh hell... I can't afford to lose the phone!!!
And then I noticed a sliver of silver, way down between the spare tyre and the hollow it's stored in, in the boot. The darn phone fell out while I was chucking the dogfood in! Sjoe. Major relief.
Needless to say, top of my shopping list now is a new handbag - big enough to comfortably take all a woman needs (including digital camera). One with cellphone storage INSIDE it.
Greasy Fingers
And on a lighter note! (yup, much needed around here)
I had a bit of a run-in with the Ford today. Since Xmas there's been a slight leak on a water pipe under the air filter, so while I was out getting the exhaust done, I also picked up a new one. Decided that seeing it was reasonably cheap I'd take the whole metre it comes in, instead of chopping off a section to buy. And that turned out to be a very good thing!
As soon as I detached the pipe, I noticed it was full of yukky stuff - sand and rust, hardly the kind of thing you want circulating in your system. As I was hauling it off, lo and behold - the entire darn system broke down. There's a metal connecter between that and the next pipe, and it had rusted through so completely it broke off in my hand!
After some initial swearing, I realized it's a whole lot better having happened now than burst on some long roadtrip...
Anyhow, detached second pipe, and then wondered what the heck the blue thing at the bottom of the connecter was all about. Used my "bother a friend" option (repeatedly...) to ask a lot of potentially stupid questions, and about 2 hours and much discussion / photo emailing / phoning of more friends & relatives later it appeared to have something to do with vacuum and starting.
But what to do with the broken bit?
Well I ended up taking one continuous pipe from point A to point B, bypassing the metal connector, which didn't seem to feed coolant/water to anything anyway, tying up the connector to the new longer pipe to keep it from flapping around in the engine, taking a deep breath - and turning the key in the ignition.
It worked! Sjoe! So far so good. I was having visions of two cars standing, and a commute about to kick in... But it's one more learning curve under the belt. And not a single long nail broken (though they are painted a shocking dark shade of pink to hide any lingering grease).
Although I really do enjoy fiddling in my cars, one day it will be nice to have one that doesn't threaten to blow up quite so often. :-)
Failure
My mind is a tangle of turmoil tonight - blogging probably isn't the thing I should be doing with this, but nevertheless.
That word FAILURE seems to be trying to break right through me. Crack me open and apart, scatter my life to the wind.
I'm a tumult of doubt. Am I doing the right thing? Can I really do this? What if..? Do I have the strength, the skills, the courage? What if..?
I keep thinking that there's only me in this. No-one to fall back on if it all goes pearshaped. No-one to take over if I can't cope, if I am truly a failure at what I'm trying to do. I don't trust where I'm at with one of my skills, I can't seem to get the knowledge I need into my head, it's just pouring out again without anything sticking, without anything making sense. Me and my son - our lives revolve around me getting it right. But what if I can't? What if I really really suck at this?
I have confidence in one aspect of what I'm doing. Increasingly none in another. What if...? What if this is all wrong? But if it is - then was I doomed to trudge a going-nowhere rut forever? What if I can't find a home, a car that doesn't run on hope? What if I'm not as strong as I thought I was? What if I'm just a dumb blonde after all?
Failure. I've been called that so many times before - sometimes out loud, sometimes in a stage whisper. I've been made to feel it. Knocked down in spirit because I'm not good enough. Because I don't fit in. It's high school all over again, coming back to haunt me. It's those first hesitant steps as a newly 21-year old single mom. It's frustration at never getting where I want to go, at having to throw my dreams off the cliff and hear them die one by one. It's rejection and lonliness and inadequacy all rolled into a big ball. (It's probably low blood sugar too)
Tonight I just feel like opting out of having to do this on my own. The fear is back, the doubt is back, the worries piled up high. Too much to do, too many loose ends to tie up, too much to face in the next few weeks, and me feeling insignificant and small. I can't show it. I hide my face and turn my head so those around me can't see the panic, the tears, the fear. I can't let anyone see that I'm sometimes terrified.
This too shall pass, but apparently not tonight.
That word FAILURE seems to be trying to break right through me. Crack me open and apart, scatter my life to the wind.
I'm a tumult of doubt. Am I doing the right thing? Can I really do this? What if..? Do I have the strength, the skills, the courage? What if..?
I keep thinking that there's only me in this. No-one to fall back on if it all goes pearshaped. No-one to take over if I can't cope, if I am truly a failure at what I'm trying to do. I don't trust where I'm at with one of my skills, I can't seem to get the knowledge I need into my head, it's just pouring out again without anything sticking, without anything making sense. Me and my son - our lives revolve around me getting it right. But what if I can't? What if I really really suck at this?
I have confidence in one aspect of what I'm doing. Increasingly none in another. What if...? What if this is all wrong? But if it is - then was I doomed to trudge a going-nowhere rut forever? What if I can't find a home, a car that doesn't run on hope? What if I'm not as strong as I thought I was? What if I'm just a dumb blonde after all?
Failure. I've been called that so many times before - sometimes out loud, sometimes in a stage whisper. I've been made to feel it. Knocked down in spirit because I'm not good enough. Because I don't fit in. It's high school all over again, coming back to haunt me. It's those first hesitant steps as a newly 21-year old single mom. It's frustration at never getting where I want to go, at having to throw my dreams off the cliff and hear them die one by one. It's rejection and lonliness and inadequacy all rolled into a big ball. (It's probably low blood sugar too)
Tonight I just feel like opting out of having to do this on my own. The fear is back, the doubt is back, the worries piled up high. Too much to do, too many loose ends to tie up, too much to face in the next few weeks, and me feeling insignificant and small. I can't show it. I hide my face and turn my head so those around me can't see the panic, the tears, the fear. I can't let anyone see that I'm sometimes terrified.
This too shall pass, but apparently not tonight.
Pimped
I think I know where half of a certain local population group hang out at weekends...
My car's silencer has been slowly disintegrating so I popped in to the mall branch of one of those fix-tyres/shocks/exhausts places to see if they could help. And found myself in a bit of a queue. Seems around payday is the time to "pimp your ride", and I was surrounded by vehicles that had definitely been pimped!
First off, you could feel these guys coming. Their soundsystems are such that by the time you actually see them, your windows are rattling from the mega-bass. I have no idea what songs were playing - I couldn't hear a tune.
Secondly, nearly every car had "wings" - on the back, on the roof, wherever spoilers could be attached.
Then there were the paint jobs. Another Ford Sierra was parked in front of me - so kitted out with blue and white trim that you had to look twice to see the Seirra under it all! Next to me was a metallic orange Toyota Tazz, a colour that has to have been custom-mixed, cos no dealer in their right mind would paint a showroom car in that particular shade and expect to sell it. Even the Jetta was pimped, but not too obviously - it was just getting gold rims to match the paint everywhere else. Another bloke was blackening his tyres with a paintbrush around shiny silver rims in the middle of the waiting area.
Then there were the girls. A gansta's gotta have girls, right? A bunch of nubile chicks hanging around waiting, chatting on their cellphones and checking out who sports the most bling (and bling there was indeed, with a matching half-hitch swagger that might have said "polio shots not taken as kid" if it wasn't so obviously intentional and widespread). The language being thrown around was hilarious - your typical Cape expressions of our mellow-brown race, Afrikaans the way I could never imitate it.
I watched a couple of the guys come and go, their exhaust systems sounding not much better than when they arrived - I guess that was the whole intention. You gotta hear them coming, and not just the "doef-doef".
But after about an hour of being amused, I realized I wasn't going to get my own ride pimped anytime soon. Seems the parking lot was the queue - one would drive off the hydralic lift, and another would be right there waiting. I took full advantage of a broken silencer to squeal out of there with a roar that would put most of them to shame. Pimped my ride may not be, but it's fast, and I can spin rubber with the best! :-)
So I drove to Strand, to my normal exhaust fitter (I guess I'm a regular after 3 trips there), where there was no pimping, and no queue. Just good, solid service, with a front-teeth-missing smile.
My car's silencer has been slowly disintegrating so I popped in to the mall branch of one of those fix-tyres/shocks/exhausts places to see if they could help. And found myself in a bit of a queue. Seems around payday is the time to "pimp your ride", and I was surrounded by vehicles that had definitely been pimped!
First off, you could feel these guys coming. Their soundsystems are such that by the time you actually see them, your windows are rattling from the mega-bass. I have no idea what songs were playing - I couldn't hear a tune.
Secondly, nearly every car had "wings" - on the back, on the roof, wherever spoilers could be attached.
Then there were the paint jobs. Another Ford Sierra was parked in front of me - so kitted out with blue and white trim that you had to look twice to see the Seirra under it all! Next to me was a metallic orange Toyota Tazz, a colour that has to have been custom-mixed, cos no dealer in their right mind would paint a showroom car in that particular shade and expect to sell it. Even the Jetta was pimped, but not too obviously - it was just getting gold rims to match the paint everywhere else. Another bloke was blackening his tyres with a paintbrush around shiny silver rims in the middle of the waiting area.
Then there were the girls. A gansta's gotta have girls, right? A bunch of nubile chicks hanging around waiting, chatting on their cellphones and checking out who sports the most bling (and bling there was indeed, with a matching half-hitch swagger that might have said "polio shots not taken as kid" if it wasn't so obviously intentional and widespread). The language being thrown around was hilarious - your typical Cape expressions of our mellow-brown race, Afrikaans the way I could never imitate it.
I watched a couple of the guys come and go, their exhaust systems sounding not much better than when they arrived - I guess that was the whole intention. You gotta hear them coming, and not just the "doef-doef".
But after about an hour of being amused, I realized I wasn't going to get my own ride pimped anytime soon. Seems the parking lot was the queue - one would drive off the hydralic lift, and another would be right there waiting. I took full advantage of a broken silencer to squeal out of there with a roar that would put most of them to shame. Pimped my ride may not be, but it's fast, and I can spin rubber with the best! :-)
So I drove to Strand, to my normal exhaust fitter (I guess I'm a regular after 3 trips there), where there was no pimping, and no queue. Just good, solid service, with a front-teeth-missing smile.
Relax
My whole life has been turning around this job change in the past week. I've had unbelieveable to-do lists that seem impossible to accomplish. I've dealt with both congratulations and "deep freeze" from colleagues at my decision to move on (amazing how that last month at work can be both great and terrible). I've had intense moments of what-the-hell-am-I-doing doubt, wondering if I've made the right choice and if I'm going to make a success of it. I've had belief that I can, and realizations that uprooting your life is merely a matter of shifting boxes from one place to another - no big deal.
Basically, life has been an endless round of stress, rushing, careful timing, trying to keep tabs on everything that needs to be done and think through what has to happen next.
I've forgotten to relax!
I was supposed to be off work this coming week - my first leave since October last year. I was really looking forward to letting soul catch up with body, getting stuck into the Landy, vegging a bit... Instead the leave has been forfeited (not allowed to take any in my last month's work) and replaced with even more pressure.
But I know I can't do this forever. If I don't take time out I'll collapse and end up even more frustrated at a lack of time/ability to do everything. It's essential to simply put it all on hold and chill now and then. Daily, weekly, whenever there's a blank moment. Instead of filling it up with activity, to just sit and be for a bit.
Although I have many things waiting for my attention this weekend, I'm taking some serious time out too. I'm setting aside a good block of space every day to do things that I enjoy, to sit and admire my view while I still have it, to get off the computer screen and out into nature. To walk. To dream. To gather my strength and release that tension building up in my shoulders. To simply rest and allow my mind to go blank.
I think a lack of rest is what causes so many folk to burn out, go over the edge, end up seriously ill. I'm not going to stand for it - my life is precious and time is fleeting. So what if a task goes undone. So what if I don't get to that one thing today. I don't want to come to a point where I realize I've forgotten to live.
That said, I'm off to relax and watch the last light leach from the evening sky into peaches and violets.
Basically, life has been an endless round of stress, rushing, careful timing, trying to keep tabs on everything that needs to be done and think through what has to happen next.
I've forgotten to relax!
I was supposed to be off work this coming week - my first leave since October last year. I was really looking forward to letting soul catch up with body, getting stuck into the Landy, vegging a bit... Instead the leave has been forfeited (not allowed to take any in my last month's work) and replaced with even more pressure.
But I know I can't do this forever. If I don't take time out I'll collapse and end up even more frustrated at a lack of time/ability to do everything. It's essential to simply put it all on hold and chill now and then. Daily, weekly, whenever there's a blank moment. Instead of filling it up with activity, to just sit and be for a bit.
Although I have many things waiting for my attention this weekend, I'm taking some serious time out too. I'm setting aside a good block of space every day to do things that I enjoy, to sit and admire my view while I still have it, to get off the computer screen and out into nature. To walk. To dream. To gather my strength and release that tension building up in my shoulders. To simply rest and allow my mind to go blank.
I think a lack of rest is what causes so many folk to burn out, go over the edge, end up seriously ill. I'm not going to stand for it - my life is precious and time is fleeting. So what if a task goes undone. So what if I don't get to that one thing today. I don't want to come to a point where I realize I've forgotten to live.
That said, I'm off to relax and watch the last light leach from the evening sky into peaches and violets.
Back/Forward
Things I'll miss here:
* Friday afternoons off. Every Friday. And one other afternoon per month.
* My view - peace and quiet and so close to nature that you risk being accosted by puffadders over lunchtime.
* Own office - a space to claim and make mine, with a door that closes when it gets too much (but is always open to those who need to stop by).
* Walking to work, walking home again. In 2 minutes flat.
* Early morning quiet, after the kid's gone to school and before I have to leave - that half-hour to myself that gets me off on the right foot.
* Some pretty good people.
* 20 days leave a year (well - 27 this year, I carried some over, but haven't taken any!)
Things I won't miss:
* Having to conform in ways big and small.
* Selling brownies to cover groceries.
* Hiding the real me.
* Some not-so-good people.. :-)
Things I'm not looking forward to:
* More time away from my kid (no more lunch-chats).
* Not being within seconds of home if there's a problem.
* The Big Bad World out there (moving from a very safe environment into one where crime needs to be considered).
Things I'm looking forward to:
* Decent salary.
* Commute (yeah, I'm weird - I love driving).
* Challenge.
* New horizons.
* Friday afternoons off. Every Friday. And one other afternoon per month.
* My view - peace and quiet and so close to nature that you risk being accosted by puffadders over lunchtime.
* Own office - a space to claim and make mine, with a door that closes when it gets too much (but is always open to those who need to stop by).
* Walking to work, walking home again. In 2 minutes flat.
* Early morning quiet, after the kid's gone to school and before I have to leave - that half-hour to myself that gets me off on the right foot.
* Some pretty good people.
* 20 days leave a year (well - 27 this year, I carried some over, but haven't taken any!)
Things I won't miss:
* Having to conform in ways big and small.
* Selling brownies to cover groceries.
* Hiding the real me.
* Some not-so-good people.. :-)
Things I'm not looking forward to:
* More time away from my kid (no more lunch-chats).
* Not being within seconds of home if there's a problem.
* The Big Bad World out there (moving from a very safe environment into one where crime needs to be considered).
Things I'm looking forward to:
* Decent salary.
* Commute (yeah, I'm weird - I love driving).
* Challenge.
* New horizons.
Customer Service
If you're still not reading Seth's blog, and you're involved in business of any kind (who isn't!), then bookmark it right now. He's one unending fountain of mind-blowing knowledge and profound perspectives.
Like his take on Customer Service - a must read! So simple, yet hardly anyone's on it. One has to wonder WHY...
(I once emailed him about something, and got a message right back saying he loved my email sig. That's the cyberspace equivalent of having a rock star throw their undies at you! :-) Way cool.)
Like his take on Customer Service - a must read! So simple, yet hardly anyone's on it. One has to wonder WHY...
(I once emailed him about something, and got a message right back saying he loved my email sig. That's the cyberspace equivalent of having a rock star throw their undies at you! :-) Way cool.)
Red Velvet
This is a photo from a recent fashion week show. I'm not usually one for that kind of thing, but the second I saw this image it said "winter".There's something about velvet in rich wine tones that cries out for a bit of cold weather, perfect for luxuriating in. And although I love summer with all my heart (and a good deal of exposed skin that hides most other seasons), winter has its charms too. Cuddling up under layers of soft warm bedding, comfort food, dark chocolate (though who needs a season for that!). I'm actually looking forward to winter!
This year I'm planning a spot of redecorating. Enough years have passed since I looked around me and thought "hmm.. this room needs some work". Moving houses certainly gives a good incentive to try something new! To chuck out the clutter - or leave it in its boxes permanently. To rearrange the furnishings. To add those touches that speak "home". I'm all for neutrals and calming colours, practical natural fabrics and textures - but perhaps, just maybe, this time round I'll add a shot of red velvet. Just for winter. And just for the "lekkerkry" of it (boy, will my dog love that...). I may even wear it.
Off the Cliff
Things are finalized and now I can spill the beans. I'm about to take a Very Large step off a Very Big cliff, and to tell the truth it's got me reasonably terrified!
I'm changing jobs. My letter of resignation went in this morning. I've been offered employment in a whole new direction that I'm excited about, but it's going to mean big change all round. From housing to how our family functions, from no-commute to commute, from safe community to the big bad world out there, from the known to the very-much-unknown. But step I will! (and the fear-related adrenalin is likely to push me far toward success)
I had planned to do this only at the end of the year, giving me a bit of a buffer zone to work out the details. But there are open doors in life, and if you don't walk through them they shut permanently. This is one, and I'm taking it. There is thanks to be given to a couple of folk for their help - you know who you are, and I really appreciate it (if you'd like tangible thanks in the form of a tray of brownies, do let me know :-) ).
It does mean many dreams are either falling by the wayside or being put on hold. Two months spent walking the Camino is not going to happen. Nor are some of the trips by Landy I'd hoped to undertake. I'm going to be the new chick, the learning-curve scrambler, starting from scratch, branching out into a new direction (with mere touches of the old retained). Quite frightening stuff.
In the meantime though I have MANY things to do in the next few weeks, which can't be left to hope or chance. Am getting right to them.
I'm changing jobs. My letter of resignation went in this morning. I've been offered employment in a whole new direction that I'm excited about, but it's going to mean big change all round. From housing to how our family functions, from no-commute to commute, from safe community to the big bad world out there, from the known to the very-much-unknown. But step I will! (and the fear-related adrenalin is likely to push me far toward success)
I had planned to do this only at the end of the year, giving me a bit of a buffer zone to work out the details. But there are open doors in life, and if you don't walk through them they shut permanently. This is one, and I'm taking it. There is thanks to be given to a couple of folk for their help - you know who you are, and I really appreciate it (if you'd like tangible thanks in the form of a tray of brownies, do let me know :-) ).
It does mean many dreams are either falling by the wayside or being put on hold. Two months spent walking the Camino is not going to happen. Nor are some of the trips by Landy I'd hoped to undertake. I'm going to be the new chick, the learning-curve scrambler, starting from scratch, branching out into a new direction (with mere touches of the old retained). Quite frightening stuff.
In the meantime though I have MANY things to do in the next few weeks, which can't be left to hope or chance. Am getting right to them.
Room with a view
I have a great office, really I do. Anything that has a window is generally a good idea, and mine has BEEEEG windows.
But certain times of the year are not good in this office. In winter, when the sun reaches its lowest, from around 3 in the afternoon there's a direct sun-hit in the eyes, creating business for L'Oreal and their team of anti-wrinkle experts (unfortunately I have not supported them sufficiently, and it's starting to show). Then there's late summer or early Spring. One car parked at the right angle, and it's this:
Yes, I'm hiding behind my plant - which seems to love this spot and has completely taken off heading north. Luxuriant, I think they call it - except it's more spindly-tall than "full".
OK - close the blinds, I hear you say. Yah... I could.. but I'm a bit of a sucker for sunshine and a view. Even if I'm getting more wrinkles by the day.
So I guess I really shouldn't be complaining hey. Especially now that a few moments have passed, and so has that glare. I should be able to read the screen in about 6 minutes without a blank spot in the middle of my vision.
(thus concludes yet another blog post about basically nothing - welcome to my life)
But certain times of the year are not good in this office. In winter, when the sun reaches its lowest, from around 3 in the afternoon there's a direct sun-hit in the eyes, creating business for L'Oreal and their team of anti-wrinkle experts (unfortunately I have not supported them sufficiently, and it's starting to show). Then there's late summer or early Spring. One car parked at the right angle, and it's this:
Yes, I'm hiding behind my plant - which seems to love this spot and has completely taken off heading north. Luxuriant, I think they call it - except it's more spindly-tall than "full".
OK - close the blinds, I hear you say. Yah... I could.. but I'm a bit of a sucker for sunshine and a view. Even if I'm getting more wrinkles by the day.
So I guess I really shouldn't be complaining hey. Especially now that a few moments have passed, and so has that glare. I should be able to read the screen in about 6 minutes without a blank spot in the middle of my vision.
(thus concludes yet another blog post about basically nothing - welcome to my life)
Blessing-shower
This is the very best way to start a day. These goodies arrived first thing this morning in an envelope from the ever-wonderful Jen - and they were JUST what I needed. I'm facing a couple of big, tough decisions today, and her gifts have put my heart at right with what needs to be done. I feel like I've been dunked in goodness, bouyed up by grace and peace - they could not have arrived at a better time.
In this year of Giving, I've come to realize that the Universe will throw things in your direction at the precise moment you need them, and that all you're required to do is open your hands and catch.
Thanks Jen! As always, you rock.
Snippets - Monday
* There's nothing like the threat of change to light a fire under your butt and get you finishing all that stuff you've put off or neglected.
* There's nothing like the the threat of change to have you eyeing cardboard boxes and wondering how many it would take to put your entire house into them. Or how many car trips it would take to move it all, and whether a piano would fit in the Landy (probably not).
* There is something like too much wine and not enough chocolate. Not that I know anything about it - I'm just pondering :-)
* If home is where the heart is, can home be a place where you've never been? Can home be someone, and not some place?
* Sometimes one can think too much. At such times it's good to take a long walk or park oneself in front of CSI. Or close your eyes and jump.
* How can clouds be so incredibly pink - a colour no camera or brush will ever capture?
* Cheese and pickle sandwiches two nights in a row may produce strange dreams involving unlikely people and weird situations two nights in a row. Marmite sandwiches tonight will hopefully not.
* There's nothing like the the threat of change to have you eyeing cardboard boxes and wondering how many it would take to put your entire house into them. Or how many car trips it would take to move it all, and whether a piano would fit in the Landy (probably not).
* There is something like too much wine and not enough chocolate. Not that I know anything about it - I'm just pondering :-)
* If home is where the heart is, can home be a place where you've never been? Can home be someone, and not some place?
* Sometimes one can think too much. At such times it's good to take a long walk or park oneself in front of CSI. Or close your eyes and jump.
* How can clouds be so incredibly pink - a colour no camera or brush will ever capture?
* Cheese and pickle sandwiches two nights in a row may produce strange dreams involving unlikely people and weird situations two nights in a row. Marmite sandwiches tonight will hopefully not.
Fork in the Road
I've hit a massive fork in the road on my journey. It's scaring the living daylights out of me, to tell the truth. Choosing one way may mean giving up a number of cherished dreams (at least for the immediate future) - choosing the other may mean giving up a whole lot of other stuff, including a chance to fulfil a few of the dreams a couple of years down the line.
Truth is, I'd love to sit down with someone who knows me extremely well, who knows what I've been hoping and dreaming and how I think, and thrash this one out. Get their input and advice. Often by saying it out loud you find solutions. Unfortunately there is no-one available at the moment to do that with, so instead I'm doing the other thing that works well - getting my hands dirty.
I've done it before - when I need to think, I work hard, physical work. Today it's getting into at least one car engine (possibly two), a pile of washing, a house that's been sorely neglected and needs a thorough scrubbing, a garage that has to be organized, a few things to be fixed, and a whole lot of dishes waiting for attention.
If I haven't sorted out my head by the end of that, there's no hope for me! :-)
Truth is, I'd love to sit down with someone who knows me extremely well, who knows what I've been hoping and dreaming and how I think, and thrash this one out. Get their input and advice. Often by saying it out loud you find solutions. Unfortunately there is no-one available at the moment to do that with, so instead I'm doing the other thing that works well - getting my hands dirty.
I've done it before - when I need to think, I work hard, physical work. Today it's getting into at least one car engine (possibly two), a pile of washing, a house that's been sorely neglected and needs a thorough scrubbing, a garage that has to be organized, a few things to be fixed, and a whole lot of dishes waiting for attention.
If I haven't sorted out my head by the end of that, there's no hope for me! :-)
What 5-year Plan?
Funny thing this - but about 2 weeks ago I had the closest thing to a 5-year plan I've had in ages.
This week it's all blown up. Not in a bad way. I've just realized that there's no way you can really plot your course and actually stick to it. You can get a vague idea of what you want in life and attempt to steer in that direction, but if you don't accept that life kinda does its own thing, you're going to go mad. Very quickly.
I had a timeline worked out. I had things I was going to do this year (biding my time a bit), then a couple big changes next year. A spot of travel, the Camino to walk, a gradual letting go of life in the fast lane to become a part-time nomad and "retire" at 40.
Hmmm. Apparently not. Or PROBABLY not.
This week someone asked "where do you see yourself in 5 years? what are your goals?". And I felt somewhat idiotic not being able to actually tell them!
The thing is this. Life is flux. Things are constantly in motion, changing and evolving. I've done enough stressing out in the past as to where my life WASN'T going. I've found the best thing is to simply live with open eyes and open heart, following the doors that are unlocked and not banging your head on the closed ones (marvellous practice, that!). Which means that sometimes I'm not quite sure where I'm going...!
But I reckon as long as it's forward - as long as I'm not stuck in a rut - I'm going in the right direction. Even if it doesn't include a 5-year plan.
Now if only I could put all that into spoken word as easily as I've just written it! :-)
This week it's all blown up. Not in a bad way. I've just realized that there's no way you can really plot your course and actually stick to it. You can get a vague idea of what you want in life and attempt to steer in that direction, but if you don't accept that life kinda does its own thing, you're going to go mad. Very quickly.
I had a timeline worked out. I had things I was going to do this year (biding my time a bit), then a couple big changes next year. A spot of travel, the Camino to walk, a gradual letting go of life in the fast lane to become a part-time nomad and "retire" at 40.
Hmmm. Apparently not. Or PROBABLY not.
This week someone asked "where do you see yourself in 5 years? what are your goals?". And I felt somewhat idiotic not being able to actually tell them!
The thing is this. Life is flux. Things are constantly in motion, changing and evolving. I've done enough stressing out in the past as to where my life WASN'T going. I've found the best thing is to simply live with open eyes and open heart, following the doors that are unlocked and not banging your head on the closed ones (marvellous practice, that!). Which means that sometimes I'm not quite sure where I'm going...!
But I reckon as long as it's forward - as long as I'm not stuck in a rut - I'm going in the right direction. Even if it doesn't include a 5-year plan.
Now if only I could put all that into spoken word as easily as I've just written it! :-)
Lonely
It's odd for me to experience a pang of loneliness, but suddenly tonight - here it is! Probably just over-tired, but I could do with a cuddle, someone to simply be with for a while. A listening ear, a soothing voice. It's icy-cold outside, and I wouldn't mind a warm bed with another warm body (other than the dog), just for entwining purposes. It would be nice to be held and cared for, just for a bit. Heck, even a decent hug would suffice - if it lasts for ages.
It's been too long... and I should really go do something else before I depress myself! :-)
It's been too long... and I should really go do something else before I depress myself! :-)
Behind the scenes
There are things afoot. I can't say much, but change is in the wind. Watch this space! :-)
In other news - I am really glad it's the weekend. For some reason I'm totally bombed tonight, ready to climb right into bed and sleep all weekend. Maybe 'cos I didn't take that sick day I really really needed this week, but pushed through (over-inflated sense of duty kicks in as usual). Or because I'm balancing too many things in the air at the moment, not willing to let any fall.
Also behind the scenes, the quest for Pants is finally at an end. Only one shop stocks things for Real Women, and it's the pricey shop. But it's good quality and it will last for a while. Here's to comfortable, good-looking pants - that stretch! :-)
And finally, behind the scenes, I'm suddenly finding myself not only listening to, but enjoying rather mushy hearts-and-roses type songs. I wonder why that is?
In other news - I am really glad it's the weekend. For some reason I'm totally bombed tonight, ready to climb right into bed and sleep all weekend. Maybe 'cos I didn't take that sick day I really really needed this week, but pushed through (over-inflated sense of duty kicks in as usual). Or because I'm balancing too many things in the air at the moment, not willing to let any fall.
Also behind the scenes, the quest for Pants is finally at an end. Only one shop stocks things for Real Women, and it's the pricey shop. But it's good quality and it will last for a while. Here's to comfortable, good-looking pants - that stretch! :-)
And finally, behind the scenes, I'm suddenly finding myself not only listening to, but enjoying rather mushy hearts-and-roses type songs. I wonder why that is?
Blogger Issuse
You know what would be REALLY nice? If Google (in their power) would see fit to acknowledge an evening post as after 12 in the morning, and not before...
Since the change-over to the new Blogger, I've had an ongoing issue with this. I've tried everything possible to adjust the timestamp so I don't have to do it manually if I blog in the afternoon or evening. But it doesn't seem to be helping. A post to Blogger Helpgroup has had no response - and it's not like you can actually EMAIL a real-live person at Google to ask for assistance...
That's my only gripe with this new system. Anyone had the same problem, or am I the only one who blogs so continuously that I've noticed it? :-)
Since the change-over to the new Blogger, I've had an ongoing issue with this. I've tried everything possible to adjust the timestamp so I don't have to do it manually if I blog in the afternoon or evening. But it doesn't seem to be helping. A post to Blogger Helpgroup has had no response - and it's not like you can actually EMAIL a real-live person at Google to ask for assistance...
That's my only gripe with this new system. Anyone had the same problem, or am I the only one who blogs so continuously that I've noticed it? :-)
Cricket at Newlands
Was chatting to a friend this morning who grew up in the same area I did in Cape Town. One thing we both used to do as kids/teens was head off to Newlands for cricket now and then.
We lived in Mowbray, just two train-stops from the Newlands stadium, and it was a matter of a quick trip to spend the school holiday days there. Before the entire circle was built up with stadiums and fancy buildings, the prime spot was under the trees next to the main stadium (between stadium and scoreboard in this pic) - a few steps from the entrance and station. There was one crazy bloke that always hung out there, an oldish coloured chap who had the most colourful commentary and threw it at everyone liberally. He'd chat to the watchers, the players, the tv camer blokes, whoever would listen. He once teased a player liberally about his "day-job" - an apple farmer. After the drinks break, the player came out and threw him an apple! :-)
We weren't only in attendance for the big, exciting matches. The 5-day-long tests for our local team would do just as well. If it got rained out, no problem. Up went the umbrellas.. and we often ended up on TV as part of the "scattered few". We'd gather friends and hit the grass with bats and balls - entertain ourselves when nothing was going on on the field.
The best games though were the exciting day/nights, with the big teams and the grounds packed. Mexican waves, checking out the local talent in the crowd, bringing your braai (the smoke drifting across the field in great waves between innings), and travelling home in a rocking packed train rejoicing after a win - never to be forgotten!
These days the trains are dangerous and no kids would hop on them without thinking twice. Gone are the days of catching a train to the cricket, or to Muizenberg beach for the day (and chatting up the surfers on the way home). Gone the expansive lawns - replaced by "assigned seating" usually priced well above a kid's allowance. Gone the freedom for kids to come and go during the holidays.
Damn, I miss those days!
image from answers.com
We lived in Mowbray, just two train-stops from the Newlands stadium, and it was a matter of a quick trip to spend the school holiday days there. Before the entire circle was built up with stadiums and fancy buildings, the prime spot was under the trees next to the main stadium (between stadium and scoreboard in this pic) - a few steps from the entrance and station. There was one crazy bloke that always hung out there, an oldish coloured chap who had the most colourful commentary and threw it at everyone liberally. He'd chat to the watchers, the players, the tv camer blokes, whoever would listen. He once teased a player liberally about his "day-job" - an apple farmer. After the drinks break, the player came out and threw him an apple! :-)We weren't only in attendance for the big, exciting matches. The 5-day-long tests for our local team would do just as well. If it got rained out, no problem. Up went the umbrellas.. and we often ended up on TV as part of the "scattered few". We'd gather friends and hit the grass with bats and balls - entertain ourselves when nothing was going on on the field.
The best games though were the exciting day/nights, with the big teams and the grounds packed. Mexican waves, checking out the local talent in the crowd, bringing your braai (the smoke drifting across the field in great waves between innings), and travelling home in a rocking packed train rejoicing after a win - never to be forgotten!
These days the trains are dangerous and no kids would hop on them without thinking twice. Gone are the days of catching a train to the cricket, or to Muizenberg beach for the day (and chatting up the surfers on the way home). Gone the expansive lawns - replaced by "assigned seating" usually priced well above a kid's allowance. Gone the freedom for kids to come and go during the holidays.
Damn, I miss those days!
image from answers.com
Please don't...
...step on the Puffadder!
On my way home yesterday, up the path and past the hedge, I was startled by a low growling noise. A bit like the low warning vibrating noise a cat would make - but with a little hissing thrown in for good measure. Amazingly, that freaky sound was coming from a rather large puffadder, right next to my feet and under the hedge! He was curled up, head poised to strike, waving in my direction.
Well, being one who always carries a camera, he got his photo taken - but not from too close.. :-) I then ran home to call our local snake expert, who only got the message and turned up an hour later. By then Mr Puff was long gone.
Funny thing though, there was a Cape Robin sitting right next to him when I arrived. I don't know if it had a death-wish, or was just keeping an eye on the beast, but it only flew off when I took a closer look under the bush.
We live quite "rurally". We often see snakes of one type or another. Common garden snakes, egg-eaters, the occasional boomslang and now and then a puffadder. This was one of the bigger ones I've seen, and I'm kinda glad he got away.. :-) Everything's got a right to live.
On my way home yesterday, up the path and past the hedge, I was startled by a low growling noise. A bit like the low warning vibrating noise a cat would make - but with a little hissing thrown in for good measure. Amazingly, that freaky sound was coming from a rather large puffadder, right next to my feet and under the hedge! He was curled up, head poised to strike, waving in my direction.
Well, being one who always carries a camera, he got his photo taken - but not from too close.. :-) I then ran home to call our local snake expert, who only got the message and turned up an hour later. By then Mr Puff was long gone.
Funny thing though, there was a Cape Robin sitting right next to him when I arrived. I don't know if it had a death-wish, or was just keeping an eye on the beast, but it only flew off when I took a closer look under the bush.
We live quite "rurally". We often see snakes of one type or another. Common garden snakes, egg-eaters, the occasional boomslang and now and then a puffadder. This was one of the bigger ones I've seen, and I'm kinda glad he got away.. :-) Everything's got a right to live.
Comfort Food
Winter is perfect for comfort food. So are those moments when you need "comforting"! :-) But comfort food isn't the same for everyone.
Some indulge in chocolate and sweets.
Some carbo-load.
Me - well I like the savoury stuff. A thick tomato/veg soup with fresh hot bread, real butter slathered on great big chunks of it. Curry and rice. Pita-pizza topped with garlic, rosemary, feta and olive oil - hot out of the oven (and home-made of course, from scratch).
Tonight it was my absolute favourite. Here's how you do it:
1. Butter a slice of bread. Top with a few slices of your favourite really good cheddar cheese (uncoloured, tangy and melts beautifully).
2. Top that with sliced sweet & sour cucumber-pickles (no, put those yukky dill things away).
3. Butter another slice, and place that face-down on top of the pickles.
4. Slather the other side of slice 2 with butter. Add another layer of cheese.
5. Butter a third slice, stick it face-down on the cheese layer and give it a bit of a press to meld the thing together. In other words you now have a triple-decker cheese & pickle sarmie.
6. Now stick that in the microwave for precisely one minute, until the cheese melts and the pickles are piping.
THAT'S comfort food!
(and so is the Rooibos Chai I'm finishing off with)
Some indulge in chocolate and sweets.
Some carbo-load.
Me - well I like the savoury stuff. A thick tomato/veg soup with fresh hot bread, real butter slathered on great big chunks of it. Curry and rice. Pita-pizza topped with garlic, rosemary, feta and olive oil - hot out of the oven (and home-made of course, from scratch).
Tonight it was my absolute favourite. Here's how you do it:
1. Butter a slice of bread. Top with a few slices of your favourite really good cheddar cheese (uncoloured, tangy and melts beautifully).
2. Top that with sliced sweet & sour cucumber-pickles (no, put those yukky dill things away).
3. Butter another slice, and place that face-down on top of the pickles.
4. Slather the other side of slice 2 with butter. Add another layer of cheese.
5. Butter a third slice, stick it face-down on the cheese layer and give it a bit of a press to meld the thing together. In other words you now have a triple-decker cheese & pickle sarmie.
6. Now stick that in the microwave for precisely one minute, until the cheese melts and the pickles are piping.
THAT'S comfort food!
(and so is the Rooibos Chai I'm finishing off with)
Photoblog: Office Space
Every now and then you suddenly see your office building in a whole new light...
The Sum of Us All
Have you ever sat and pondered the impact other people have had on you? Trace your story back in time, and you're a wealth of connections that have formed you into the person you are at this exact second.
There's the obvious one - your family. It could have been a good one, a bad one, an only-child one, or one populated with a myriad of siblings and relatives. Defining moments may have caused a hate of spiders (brother chased you with one), a love of rain (mom took you walking in thunderstorms), an appreciation of music (dad sang in the shower - made you appreciate real music more.. :-) ). A bust-up with your cousin may have left your nose slightly off-kilter, but it's likely that the person you are inside was formed more permanently by the interactions with parents, grandparents and others.
Add friends into the mix. I'm sure your mind immediately flashes back to friendships great and small. That boy that teased you unmercifully in high school about your crooked teeth - so that now you barely open your mouth when you smile. The best friend who helped you get over a broken heart. The other best friend who betrayed your friendship and told her new best friend all your secrets. There's friends who gave you the most wonderful advice - the stuff that turned your life around. And those that led you down the wrong path - nearly wrecked your life.
I've been thinking of some of the folk who have influenced me just recently, and got me where I am right now, this exact moment in time.
M has taught me the value of chilling, taking life as a great big adventure, and "mixed dorms" - in return she shouts out "LANDY!" every time she spots a Land Rover (sorry M.. :-) ). T has me eating better, matching my inner self-worth to my real value, finding humour in all sorts of things and considering birds in a new light. Daily chats with another M has given me insights into technology, web design, random nuttiness - and a friend who may know more about me than most. My son has transformed my life from heading-for-loser to responsible single mom (though slightly off-kilter compared to most). E has renewed my zest for my Landy, and determination to get the darn thing finally fixed and on the road as a daily ride - along with a few other things. G made me realize how short life is - that anything can happen, so you better darn-well enjoy today with all you have. K has given me an appreciation for seeing the funny side in everything - from your own misfortunes to the idiocy of others.
There are so many others. Small interactions with colleagues, clients, random strangers on the street, family and friends, bloggers and article-writers. Each one in some way forms the path I travel. It's pretty amazing to think about it!
Where I'm at now has a lot to do with living mindfully. That doesn't only mean acknowledging the world around me, fitting into it seamlessly and living lightly. It means noting the impact others have on my life too, and appreciating every encounter.
If you think about it, those mini-interactions are incredible! Miss out on even one, and you'd be a totally different person.
There's the obvious one - your family. It could have been a good one, a bad one, an only-child one, or one populated with a myriad of siblings and relatives. Defining moments may have caused a hate of spiders (brother chased you with one), a love of rain (mom took you walking in thunderstorms), an appreciation of music (dad sang in the shower - made you appreciate real music more.. :-) ). A bust-up with your cousin may have left your nose slightly off-kilter, but it's likely that the person you are inside was formed more permanently by the interactions with parents, grandparents and others.
Add friends into the mix. I'm sure your mind immediately flashes back to friendships great and small. That boy that teased you unmercifully in high school about your crooked teeth - so that now you barely open your mouth when you smile. The best friend who helped you get over a broken heart. The other best friend who betrayed your friendship and told her new best friend all your secrets. There's friends who gave you the most wonderful advice - the stuff that turned your life around. And those that led you down the wrong path - nearly wrecked your life.
I've been thinking of some of the folk who have influenced me just recently, and got me where I am right now, this exact moment in time.
M has taught me the value of chilling, taking life as a great big adventure, and "mixed dorms" - in return she shouts out "LANDY!" every time she spots a Land Rover (sorry M.. :-) ). T has me eating better, matching my inner self-worth to my real value, finding humour in all sorts of things and considering birds in a new light. Daily chats with another M has given me insights into technology, web design, random nuttiness - and a friend who may know more about me than most. My son has transformed my life from heading-for-loser to responsible single mom (though slightly off-kilter compared to most). E has renewed my zest for my Landy, and determination to get the darn thing finally fixed and on the road as a daily ride - along with a few other things. G made me realize how short life is - that anything can happen, so you better darn-well enjoy today with all you have. K has given me an appreciation for seeing the funny side in everything - from your own misfortunes to the idiocy of others.
There are so many others. Small interactions with colleagues, clients, random strangers on the street, family and friends, bloggers and article-writers. Each one in some way forms the path I travel. It's pretty amazing to think about it!
Where I'm at now has a lot to do with living mindfully. That doesn't only mean acknowledging the world around me, fitting into it seamlessly and living lightly. It means noting the impact others have on my life too, and appreciating every encounter.
If you think about it, those mini-interactions are incredible! Miss out on even one, and you'd be a totally different person.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Big love to all my blog-buddies! May you be accosted and snogged by random (non-icky) strangers today.. :-)
On Repeat
Everywhere I look, the blogosphere is filled with only two things - Valentine's Day or the South African Blog Awards 2007 - repeated over and over and...
Valentine's Day
Well I don't have too much to say on this one. I have a small plan afoot which may or may not be a good idea - but nothing ventured, nothing gained... and it's about time I ventured.
In the meantime cyberspace is filled with hints and tips, anything under the sun that has to do with things remotely romantic. I doubt I could add to that, considering my recent track record! :-)
South African Blog Awards 2007
..are open for submissions. I'm not going to get into any shameless self-promoting, at all. Quite honestly, I don't consider myself fighting in the big leagues for any honours - and they don't have a "Copious Amount of Nonsense 2007" category anyway.
But do go and submit your favourite South Africans to the list while there's still time! There are categories for everything! (Except BS)
Now that I've joined the Repeat crowd, had my say on the most popular two topics, I'm off to find something new to blog about.. :-)
Valentine's Day
Well I don't have too much to say on this one. I have a small plan afoot which may or may not be a good idea - but nothing ventured, nothing gained... and it's about time I ventured.
In the meantime cyberspace is filled with hints and tips, anything under the sun that has to do with things remotely romantic. I doubt I could add to that, considering my recent track record! :-)
South African Blog Awards 2007
..are open for submissions. I'm not going to get into any shameless self-promoting, at all. Quite honestly, I don't consider myself fighting in the big leagues for any honours - and they don't have a "Copious Amount of Nonsense 2007" category anyway.
But do go and submit your favourite South Africans to the list while there's still time! There are categories for everything! (Except BS)
Now that I've joined the Repeat crowd, had my say on the most popular two topics, I'm off to find something new to blog about.. :-)
Fire
It's been almost exactly one year since the Big Fire. The mountainside has grown a new crop of fynbos. But it's been a year - the landscape is brown and dry...
I wonder when the next big burn will come.
Get a life
OK, you're probably just as addicted to your computer screen as I am - perhaps more, or maybe a bit less. Being online at home and work means there's a constant temptation to "just sit there", never do much more of anything in the real world than what is absolutely necessary.
Yesterday Compl33t posted "Why not go mobile?" - which I thought was rather brilliant. Not just because it's Desktop vs Laptop, but because it's a reminder that life is more than cyberspace. And when you're away from your computer, you should Leave It Be. Don't be thinking what you'll do next online, or how you're gonna blog what just happened (a common illness among bloggers - you KNOW it's true!), or whether you have another 20 emails waiting for your attention. Just live, dammit.
I've often been moaned at that my cellphone is seldom on, that I get messages a week after they've sent (usually by family members who somehow forgot I have a land line). Truth is, sometimes I like to be unreacheable. Sometimes I don't want electronics begging my attention or beeping in my ear. If I'm away from a phone, I want to be Away From A Phone.
Same thing with the computer - though I have to admit it's an ongoing struggle. There's really no need to plug in all the time. The world won't end if you switch it off for a couple of days, and you're not going to lose all your friends if you don't get back to them immediately. Nor will your blog die a quick death if there isn't an update every day.
I'm glad for that bit of a reminder - life is to be lived, not virtually but dive-in hands-on real. A meal savoured is far better than recipes online. A long chat face-to-face connects more than all the IM in the world. Time spent in person, time saved up and planned to give to another, is better than blogging in your PJ's.
How bout it? Wanna see if there's still a world out there? Unplug and get outdoors without your electronic gadgets, communicators, wireless?
Yesterday Compl33t posted "Why not go mobile?" - which I thought was rather brilliant. Not just because it's Desktop vs Laptop, but because it's a reminder that life is more than cyberspace. And when you're away from your computer, you should Leave It Be. Don't be thinking what you'll do next online, or how you're gonna blog what just happened (a common illness among bloggers - you KNOW it's true!), or whether you have another 20 emails waiting for your attention. Just live, dammit.
I've often been moaned at that my cellphone is seldom on, that I get messages a week after they've sent (usually by family members who somehow forgot I have a land line). Truth is, sometimes I like to be unreacheable. Sometimes I don't want electronics begging my attention or beeping in my ear. If I'm away from a phone, I want to be Away From A Phone.
Same thing with the computer - though I have to admit it's an ongoing struggle. There's really no need to plug in all the time. The world won't end if you switch it off for a couple of days, and you're not going to lose all your friends if you don't get back to them immediately. Nor will your blog die a quick death if there isn't an update every day.
I'm glad for that bit of a reminder - life is to be lived, not virtually but dive-in hands-on real. A meal savoured is far better than recipes online. A long chat face-to-face connects more than all the IM in the world. Time spent in person, time saved up and planned to give to another, is better than blogging in your PJ's.
How bout it? Wanna see if there's still a world out there? Unplug and get outdoors without your electronic gadgets, communicators, wireless?
Weekend Weather
Yup, that was about it for the weekend. Saw a whole lot of the underside of the duvet, and not a lot of sun.
Birding from the Office
I'm not the greatest or most obsessed birder on the planet (though I'm sure I know that particular bloke...), but I do tend to notice things flying around/past.
This morning there's a new bird of prey in the air over the building next to me. He's not the jackal buzzard, nor any of the myriad kites and falcons. It's not one of the pair of fish eagles that we finally saw on Saturday (after hearing them in the distance for years). But what it is, I don't know!
And that got me thinking.
My Roberts Birds book is at home. I'm not going to lug it around on the offchance I see something new. I haven't got it memorized either, so it's unlikely I'll make a spot identification without getting it wrong. Besides, it's an early 70's model, and many of the bird names and classifications have changed.
BUT I do have internet access! You'd think there'd be an online bird "field" guide somewhere, surely? Nope, not at all. I suspect the knowledgeable folk are too busy birding out in the field to sit down and compile one online.
You DO get PDA versions of most guides - at a price - and there are more electronic formats coming out. And perhaps that's the issue. Why give away free access to bird identification when you can rather make paying customers out of people?
Whatever the case may be, it would be really great if there were a world birding site with every possible fowl listed, a searcheable database that contained info on how the thing looks, where it's supposed to be, calls, eggs, breeding times, food.. all that. At best the current info is minimal. Even things like looking up what a baby owl is supposed to be fed require much Googling. Heck - the database could contain info for rescue organizations local to where you've spotted it too, just in case!
So - any birders want to give this one a shot? If so, I'd be first in line to use it!
This morning there's a new bird of prey in the air over the building next to me. He's not the jackal buzzard, nor any of the myriad kites and falcons. It's not one of the pair of fish eagles that we finally saw on Saturday (after hearing them in the distance for years). But what it is, I don't know!
And that got me thinking.
My Roberts Birds book is at home. I'm not going to lug it around on the offchance I see something new. I haven't got it memorized either, so it's unlikely I'll make a spot identification without getting it wrong. Besides, it's an early 70's model, and many of the bird names and classifications have changed.
BUT I do have internet access! You'd think there'd be an online bird "field" guide somewhere, surely? Nope, not at all. I suspect the knowledgeable folk are too busy birding out in the field to sit down and compile one online.
You DO get PDA versions of most guides - at a price - and there are more electronic formats coming out. And perhaps that's the issue. Why give away free access to bird identification when you can rather make paying customers out of people?
Whatever the case may be, it would be really great if there were a world birding site with every possible fowl listed, a searcheable database that contained info on how the thing looks, where it's supposed to be, calls, eggs, breeding times, food.. all that. At best the current info is minimal. Even things like looking up what a baby owl is supposed to be fed require much Googling. Heck - the database could contain info for rescue organizations local to where you've spotted it too, just in case!
So - any birders want to give this one a shot? If so, I'd be first in line to use it!
Local Valentine
For those of you who don't get your daiily Cherryflava shot, this is for you. Spread the Love SEffican style!
Hmmm... I'm building up quite a collection of alternative Valentine's stuff, aren't I!
Hmmm... I'm building up quite a collection of alternative Valentine's stuff, aren't I!
A good laugh
I got stuck into comedy mode last night after Rodney posted a Weird Al vid on his blog (funny, but just after I posted a link to Seth's site, I see he has one too! Great minds think alike). I hauled out a whole pile more from YouTube and gave my stomach muscles a good working.
And then watched the Borat movie..
Oh.My.Goodness. I haven't laughed that hard or continuously in a very long time. Granted, it has a few dodgy bits and some rather colourful language, but it's hilarious. Big up's to Sasha - I don't think I could run naked through a formal dinner chasing a fat (naked) bloke myself! :-) I have no idea how he got away with half the stuff he did without being firmly plonked in a forgotten jail somewhere. He managed to bring out the best and the worst in so many of the ordinary folk he ran across. And there were some things that just couldn't have been predicted, but worked out perfectly (horse at rodeo..).
If you haven't seen it yet, do go give it a squiz. Unless you take offence easily, you won't regret it!
And then watched the Borat movie..
Oh.My.Goodness. I haven't laughed that hard or continuously in a very long time. Granted, it has a few dodgy bits and some rather colourful language, but it's hilarious. Big up's to Sasha - I don't think I could run naked through a formal dinner chasing a fat (naked) bloke myself! :-) I have no idea how he got away with half the stuff he did without being firmly plonked in a forgotten jail somewhere. He managed to bring out the best and the worst in so many of the ordinary folk he ran across. And there were some things that just couldn't have been predicted, but worked out perfectly (horse at rodeo..).
If you haven't seen it yet, do go give it a squiz. Unless you take offence easily, you won't regret it!
Sheepwalking
Seth Godin knows what he's talking about. He sees things from a perspective I wish I could hammer into some folk I know, some folk I work for and with.
And although I've only just woken up (aah.. winter weather! double duvets! Sundays!), this post completely hit home this morning.
And although I've only just woken up (aah.. winter weather! double duvets! Sundays!), this post completely hit home this morning.
Idiot
Ever get the feeling you're a total idiot? I think it's called an "oh-no-second" - where you realized you've just said COMPLETELY the wrong thing and stuck your foot so far into your mouth that your knee is choking you.
I do it regularly. Daily actually. And usually with the folk I care the most about. Or the ones I want to care about me... :-)
I'm starting to think that I should simply shut up for most of the time. Open my ears, shut my mouth, think for at least an hour before I utter a word in respose to anything, and certainly don't try to be funny!!!
But do you think I'll ever learn? Unlikely. I'll keep on saying the wrong thing for the rest of my life.
Idiot...
(thankfully when all else fails, there is always dark chocolate to make things better.. :-) )
I do it regularly. Daily actually. And usually with the folk I care the most about. Or the ones I want to care about me... :-)
I'm starting to think that I should simply shut up for most of the time. Open my ears, shut my mouth, think for at least an hour before I utter a word in respose to anything, and certainly don't try to be funny!!!
But do you think I'll ever learn? Unlikely. I'll keep on saying the wrong thing for the rest of my life.
Idiot...
(thankfully when all else fails, there is always dark chocolate to make things better.. :-) )
UFO?
They're coming to get us! Everybody run!
(yeah, yeah - I know.. small things, small minds and all that.. :-) )
All Love and Roses?
Right - Valentine's day is coming up. And it's the one day in the year where folk tend to get a bit carried away by commercialism. OK, I lie - add in Christmas. And Easter (they've been selling Easter eggs here since Christmas! buy them before they get too stale..).
HOWEVER - what a good excuse to eat chocolate! Single, married, interested, or just don't care, we could all do with more chocolate in our lives, right?
But if you're really apathetic or just plain cynical, here's a range of excellent Valentine's greetings to send along...
HOWEVER - what a good excuse to eat chocolate! Single, married, interested, or just don't care, we could all do with more chocolate in our lives, right?
But if you're really apathetic or just plain cynical, here's a range of excellent Valentine's greetings to send along...
Techonology doesn't like me
In the past 2 days I have been sukkeling with Technology. I've spent a frustrating entire day trying to access a remote ftp server and upload a site. I've had a login for online access fail me unexplainedly. I've had a network cable completely give up working, denying me access of any kind to anything!
I'm starting to wonder if I've done something to anger Technology. If perhaps I've used up more than my fair share of online time for my allotted lifspan, or defragmented my machines just one time too many. Maybe I tripped over a power supply once and have never been forgiven for it.
Whatever - Technology is now punishing me. Making me pay in grey hairs and stressed out shoulders - and there isn't even a sweet young thing in sight whom I could hire to unstress them! :-)
Damn you, Technology. Or perhaps I shouldn't say that out loud. Especially not on a glowing screen.
I'm starting to wonder if I've done something to anger Technology. If perhaps I've used up more than my fair share of online time for my allotted lifspan, or defragmented my machines just one time too many. Maybe I tripped over a power supply once and have never been forgiven for it.
Whatever - Technology is now punishing me. Making me pay in grey hairs and stressed out shoulders - and there isn't even a sweet young thing in sight whom I could hire to unstress them! :-)
Damn you, Technology. Or perhaps I shouldn't say that out loud. Especially not on a glowing screen.
This Kiss
There's nothing like a really great snog, a passionate liplock where time stands still. Equally, there's nothing as horrible as a bad kisser...
My very first kiss was when I was 15 - yah, I was a late bloomer. I had just hit a new high school - boarding school - and to my surprise ended up with a boyfriend quite quickly. That first kiss was behind the library on a Friday night, after our compulsory evening meeting - and I was totally inexperienced. We locked lips - but French kissing? I knew nothing of that! I had to have it explained to me, then attempted... but I did catch on quite quickly.
And have loved kissing/being kissed ever since.
There's one that completely stands out though. I had a best friend - a guy who I'd gone to school with, and who studied at the same place I did after school. We were a nutty team, always doing crazy stuff like rubbing blue Smarties on our lips and walking around a mall smiling at people. Driving home from Tech with our eyes closed while the other partner in crime directed. Writing entire letters to each other in rhyme - making up words if necesary. Getting "involved" beyond friendship was out of the question, we didn't want to ruin what we had.
But one day we happened to kiss...
I can't even remember what led up to it. All I know is that we were travelling the train from town to city. But once our lips met stations passed unseen. Time went by without causing a single radar blip. I think the conductor must have come past looking for tickets, but we didn't notice. And what seemed like seconds later, we were at journey's end! Now THAT'S a good kiss!
Unfortunately it was a once-off, we never kissed again.
Worst kiss? The bloke who tried to "French" me without a hint of tongue involved. Just this open mouthed slobbery blankness. Gross!!!
I've been kissed in public, kissed in secret, kissed on the dancefloor, kissed in the back row of the movies, kissed long and hard, kissed butterfly-light. Kissed to begin something - kissed to end it all. Greeting-kissed, comfort-kissed, passion-kissed. Kissed all over.
Isn't it strange how the meeting of soft flesh between two people, a stimulation of the nerve endings around your mouth, can be so expressive? So incredibly sensational? So addictive..? Add in the anticipation of that first one with someone new - will it be a match made in heaven or a taste of hell? - and this simple touching of skin on skin turns into one of the most complex experiences. From the perfunctory peck to the passionate embrace, a kiss runs the length and breadth of meaning. A single kiss will tell you more about where you stand in the other's estimation than a page of words.
It's been a while since I indulged in a good kiss or had a run-in with an excellent kisser. I think I'm going to have to do something about that.. :-)
My very first kiss was when I was 15 - yah, I was a late bloomer. I had just hit a new high school - boarding school - and to my surprise ended up with a boyfriend quite quickly. That first kiss was behind the library on a Friday night, after our compulsory evening meeting - and I was totally inexperienced. We locked lips - but French kissing? I knew nothing of that! I had to have it explained to me, then attempted... but I did catch on quite quickly.
And have loved kissing/being kissed ever since.
There's one that completely stands out though. I had a best friend - a guy who I'd gone to school with, and who studied at the same place I did after school. We were a nutty team, always doing crazy stuff like rubbing blue Smarties on our lips and walking around a mall smiling at people. Driving home from Tech with our eyes closed while the other partner in crime directed. Writing entire letters to each other in rhyme - making up words if necesary. Getting "involved" beyond friendship was out of the question, we didn't want to ruin what we had.
But one day we happened to kiss...
I can't even remember what led up to it. All I know is that we were travelling the train from town to city. But once our lips met stations passed unseen. Time went by without causing a single radar blip. I think the conductor must have come past looking for tickets, but we didn't notice. And what seemed like seconds later, we were at journey's end! Now THAT'S a good kiss!
Unfortunately it was a once-off, we never kissed again.
Worst kiss? The bloke who tried to "French" me without a hint of tongue involved. Just this open mouthed slobbery blankness. Gross!!!
I've been kissed in public, kissed in secret, kissed on the dancefloor, kissed in the back row of the movies, kissed long and hard, kissed butterfly-light. Kissed to begin something - kissed to end it all. Greeting-kissed, comfort-kissed, passion-kissed. Kissed all over.
Isn't it strange how the meeting of soft flesh between two people, a stimulation of the nerve endings around your mouth, can be so expressive? So incredibly sensational? So addictive..? Add in the anticipation of that first one with someone new - will it be a match made in heaven or a taste of hell? - and this simple touching of skin on skin turns into one of the most complex experiences. From the perfunctory peck to the passionate embrace, a kiss runs the length and breadth of meaning. A single kiss will tell you more about where you stand in the other's estimation than a page of words.
It's been a while since I indulged in a good kiss or had a run-in with an excellent kisser. I think I'm going to have to do something about that.. :-)
Gandalf in Cape Town
Warning - may be slightly NSFW.. :-)
::update:: MyVideo seems to have a view limit - have updated to a YouTube version above.
::update:: MyVideo seems to have a view limit - have updated to a YouTube version above.
24-hour blitz
Things I've learnt in the past 24 hours:
* I'm stronger than I thought. I'm more settled than I thought. I'm more "me" than I thought. I may just have grown up some.
* My instincts are still spot-on, and I can trust them. They've been telling me things way in advance of actually having them confirmed - gonna listen properly in future.
* One can get by on 3 hours sleep without looking too terrible - but probably not for more than 2 nights in a row.
* When the mind churns, you end up with some VERY weird dreams. Duvets and pillows can be your enemy at 2 in the morning.
* Just when you thought you'd taken all that could be thrown your way, life will throw you another curve ball. Just catch the damn thing.
* Some things are a whole lot harder to say than to do.
* One page of your journal can differ dramatically in perspective from the next. It's all in the journey - nothing is ever certain. Only some things are constants.
* Deep breathing is a good thing.
* Having a crazy friend or two helps. More than you realize.
* I'm stronger than I thought. I'm more settled than I thought. I'm more "me" than I thought. I may just have grown up some.
* My instincts are still spot-on, and I can trust them. They've been telling me things way in advance of actually having them confirmed - gonna listen properly in future.
* One can get by on 3 hours sleep without looking too terrible - but probably not for more than 2 nights in a row.
* When the mind churns, you end up with some VERY weird dreams. Duvets and pillows can be your enemy at 2 in the morning.
* Just when you thought you'd taken all that could be thrown your way, life will throw you another curve ball. Just catch the damn thing.
* Some things are a whole lot harder to say than to do.
* One page of your journal can differ dramatically in perspective from the next. It's all in the journey - nothing is ever certain. Only some things are constants.
* Deep breathing is a good thing.
* Having a crazy friend or two helps. More than you realize.
Soul-home
I made the mistake of watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" this weekend - something I've been threatening to do since it came out in 2003. And yes, it was a mistake, because:
* I always end up crying in those kind of movies
* I now want to move to Tuscany and shag Italians
* or at the very least become a tragically eccentric resident
Yeah I know - it's a movie and they glorify some aspects of the whole experience (both Tuscan and Italian-shagging). Reality may be a whole different story. But here's the thing - every time I see images of Tuscany my heart goes "YES!". Like it's taken a big deep breath of sun-tinged air, laced with ripe grapes, warm grass and mellow age.
It's hard to describe other than it feels like my soul-home. And yet I've never been there!
I wonder if there are some places that just kick up a knowing in you, a recognition although you're not a part of them. It's like you're homesick for a home you've never had - that if you were to turn up there it would be deja vu, you'd know the turns in the road, the vista not yet unfolded before you even saw it.
Tuscany is on my to-do list. I'll get there one day, sooner rather than later. But if it's a mere visit, I hope I'll get up the courage to leave again...
* I always end up crying in those kind of movies
* I now want to move to Tuscany and shag Italians
* or at the very least become a tragically eccentric resident
Yeah I know - it's a movie and they glorify some aspects of the whole experience (both Tuscan and Italian-shagging). Reality may be a whole different story. But here's the thing - every time I see images of Tuscany my heart goes "YES!". Like it's taken a big deep breath of sun-tinged air, laced with ripe grapes, warm grass and mellow age.
It's hard to describe other than it feels like my soul-home. And yet I've never been there!
I wonder if there are some places that just kick up a knowing in you, a recognition although you're not a part of them. It's like you're homesick for a home you've never had - that if you were to turn up there it would be deja vu, you'd know the turns in the road, the vista not yet unfolded before you even saw it.
Tuscany is on my to-do list. I'll get there one day, sooner rather than later. But if it's a mere visit, I hope I'll get up the courage to leave again...
Monday-Monday
OK, today is turning into One Of Those Days, and it's not even 10:00! That Monty Python song "always look on the bright side of life" is on repeat in my head (ignoring the fact that it is, in reality a Death Scene song and most of the lyrics are pretty darn depressing.. :-) ). I'm still trying to shake the weekend's headache, mend some heart-cracks, sort out fantasy.vs.reality and sell enough chocolate brownies & granola to cover this week's groceries.
See, the thing is this - when I'm feeling down/blue/crying my eyes out, I bake. Yesterday I baked A LOT. Today I make a profit!
There's an upside to every situation! :-)
But at the same time I really just want to crawl under a rock and hide away. I don't want no crap from no-one, and smiling happily at my clients is becoming very hard to do. Constantly. I'd really rather be getting into one of the two car engines, or exploring a new place on this planet, or... well a whole lot of stuff. Anything to take my mind off the weekend's depressing ephiphanies - which are still being sorted out and will take some doing* - or distract the hell out of me.
Instead I'm back to the grindstone, lots of work to do - no chance of an afternoon off (was hoping for one, the car's exhaust needs doing, and I need to find some contact lenses), not even chance of sick leave to cover the still-not-lekker.
There's only one word to describe today. "Eish".
* note to self - when already feeling down, Seether played loudly isn't going to help, especially when you suddenly notice all the lyrics have to do with either killing yourself or killing someone else... and loud doesn't do headache well
Weak-end
I have only one thing to say at the end of this weekend. Stuff in your mind is a whole lot more tiring to deal with than physical strain.
It's been a hard day.
It's been a hard day.
Gone
Whatever happened to men that would fight tooth and nail for you? Are we just not worth it anymore?
(woke up with this question bouncing around my head, unfortunately - got no answer)
(woke up with this question bouncing around my head, unfortunately - got no answer)
Life-ways
Yes, the timestamp on this post is correct. It's just gone midnight-and-a-bit, and I'm nearly off to bed. Afternoon naps tend to push the bedtime a bit further into darkness... and I needed one today.
Have you noticed how some days - some hours - just gather great big gobs of emotion and thought and realizations into one space, throwing them at you continuously, bombarding you until you're not sure you can take much more? I've had one of those evenings. A multitude of thoughts coming at me, not randomly - they've built on each other into surprising conclusions. I don't even know what set it off.
I've taken a few more steps toward clarity though. I now know more of what I want, and what I don't want. I understand what I am able to sacrifice, and how some dreams must not change. It's a further settling of the essence of who I am, if that makes sense. No? Let me explain:
For years I felt disconnected, as if the real me weren't getting out. Blogging helped a little - I found a voice, one that didn't just go ignored by those around me, one that sometimes mattered quite a bit, a place where I could speak - and be heard. In the process I started to put bits of myself together, parts that had been fragmented until I couldn't quite say what I was or wasn't. In the last year I've "come together" more than at any other time in my life.
Yet it's an ongoing process, this learning and growing. I'm still casting about to find direction in a lot of areas, trying to determine how to be and react in situations that call for the real me to stand up and be counted. I'm finding my heart again, buried deep under steel and scar tissue - but still learning how to entrust it to others. There are times I desperately want to give it, open it up wholly, there are times that I'm still scared to do so.
I'm also learning where I fit in in life. Many of my friends and acquaintances have done things great and small, seen life from angles I haven't. Instead I've been raising a child (an important job, in my eyes) - my focus has been on providing stability for a son who has never met his father, on keeping a sanctuary-home going so that he'll feel safe in this world. All too often at the expense of my dreams, my ambitions, my hopes, my desires. Slowly I'm starting to find balance once more. Perhaps for the first time. I'm relearning my individuality as a woman, not just a mother. I'm nurturing the dreams I stashed on dusty shelves - not because I can't wait for my son to grow up and leave, but because I know that bit by bit he is. And my life will go on.
The past few hours have been a bombardment of gelling, a coming together of loose ends that I'm still struggling to catch hold of. There are some constants in my life that I will not give up on. There are other parts I've clung to but which need to go. And still much inner strength to build up.
Late nights sometimes do this to one - throw a few curveballs and check how well you can catch them. Small ones sometimes - but in my quest for discovery of the real me, the one I can confidently show the world, every little bit matters.
Right now what matters is sleep, rest, and a chance for my neurons to process the experience. I suspect there's some interesting dreams ahead, flashing behind my closed eyelids in the dark...
Have you noticed how some days - some hours - just gather great big gobs of emotion and thought and realizations into one space, throwing them at you continuously, bombarding you until you're not sure you can take much more? I've had one of those evenings. A multitude of thoughts coming at me, not randomly - they've built on each other into surprising conclusions. I don't even know what set it off.
I've taken a few more steps toward clarity though. I now know more of what I want, and what I don't want. I understand what I am able to sacrifice, and how some dreams must not change. It's a further settling of the essence of who I am, if that makes sense. No? Let me explain:
For years I felt disconnected, as if the real me weren't getting out. Blogging helped a little - I found a voice, one that didn't just go ignored by those around me, one that sometimes mattered quite a bit, a place where I could speak - and be heard. In the process I started to put bits of myself together, parts that had been fragmented until I couldn't quite say what I was or wasn't. In the last year I've "come together" more than at any other time in my life.
Yet it's an ongoing process, this learning and growing. I'm still casting about to find direction in a lot of areas, trying to determine how to be and react in situations that call for the real me to stand up and be counted. I'm finding my heart again, buried deep under steel and scar tissue - but still learning how to entrust it to others. There are times I desperately want to give it, open it up wholly, there are times that I'm still scared to do so.
I'm also learning where I fit in in life. Many of my friends and acquaintances have done things great and small, seen life from angles I haven't. Instead I've been raising a child (an important job, in my eyes) - my focus has been on providing stability for a son who has never met his father, on keeping a sanctuary-home going so that he'll feel safe in this world. All too often at the expense of my dreams, my ambitions, my hopes, my desires. Slowly I'm starting to find balance once more. Perhaps for the first time. I'm relearning my individuality as a woman, not just a mother. I'm nurturing the dreams I stashed on dusty shelves - not because I can't wait for my son to grow up and leave, but because I know that bit by bit he is. And my life will go on.
The past few hours have been a bombardment of gelling, a coming together of loose ends that I'm still struggling to catch hold of. There are some constants in my life that I will not give up on. There are other parts I've clung to but which need to go. And still much inner strength to build up.
Late nights sometimes do this to one - throw a few curveballs and check how well you can catch them. Small ones sometimes - but in my quest for discovery of the real me, the one I can confidently show the world, every little bit matters.
Right now what matters is sleep, rest, and a chance for my neurons to process the experience. I suspect there's some interesting dreams ahead, flashing behind my closed eyelids in the dark...
Point of Collapse
I think I've hit the wall today. After months of slog at work without any real break, after having a lot of stuff piling up in the head, I'm finally getting to a point where I'm needing rest. Physical rest, mental rest - and that usually culminates in forced sick leave.
I can feel it coming. Headache, every muscle tired, no urge to do much of anything. I haven't helped matters much by skipping the last 4 suppers (but just haven't been hungry).
It's not a good time to start feeling yukky - I have to push through at work until at least the 12th of Feb, as I'm still an essential cog for now (the rest of the year, not so essential). But today it's a Saturday, and the one day each week I try to make a complete and utter blank day. No plans, no appointments, no work, no nothing.
A good day, in other words, to spend in bed with a book. Or in bed sleeping. Or at the very least curled up somewhere in my slippers - sans make-up, sans restricting clothing, just relaxing.
Which is precisely what I'm going to go do. Before I have no choice in the matter.
I can feel it coming. Headache, every muscle tired, no urge to do much of anything. I haven't helped matters much by skipping the last 4 suppers (but just haven't been hungry).
It's not a good time to start feeling yukky - I have to push through at work until at least the 12th of Feb, as I'm still an essential cog for now (the rest of the year, not so essential). But today it's a Saturday, and the one day each week I try to make a complete and utter blank day. No plans, no appointments, no work, no nothing.
A good day, in other words, to spend in bed with a book. Or in bed sleeping. Or at the very least curled up somewhere in my slippers - sans make-up, sans restricting clothing, just relaxing.
Which is precisely what I'm going to go do. Before I have no choice in the matter.
Progress!
Today I cancelled the last account I had with a shop - my Edgars card has been scrunched up, paid off and thrown away. And boy did it feel good.
You see, I'm serious about sorting out our finances this year. If there's anything that's taking an extra cent from me, it's gone. Sure it's convenient to put things on a store card - and the Edgars card worked at a few different shops - but I'm taking back control over my cash, and cutting down on the junkmail I receive at the same time.
Funny thing is, I didn't plan to cancel it when I left the house. But when I walked into that shop to pay my monthly installment plus extra, I decided I really didn't need it anymore. So it's gone.
One more step in the right direction! Yay!
You see, I'm serious about sorting out our finances this year. If there's anything that's taking an extra cent from me, it's gone. Sure it's convenient to put things on a store card - and the Edgars card worked at a few different shops - but I'm taking back control over my cash, and cutting down on the junkmail I receive at the same time.
Funny thing is, I didn't plan to cancel it when I left the house. But when I walked into that shop to pay my monthly installment plus extra, I decided I really didn't need it anymore. So it's gone.
One more step in the right direction! Yay!
Dark Ages
Between Eskom cutting power now and then and Telkom simply collapsing the entire internet access thingie, it's almost like we're headed back through time to the days where there Was.No.Internet (ie we had to club people over the head to talk to them).
I really wish we'd get someone who could:
1. replace Eskom's monopoly over our power with a green solution that didn't fail when you dropped a bolt in it. A little wind power (we have LOTS of wind!) or solar power ("darkest" Africa ain't that dark...). But no, apparently they want to build more power stations - nuclear or coal-based.
2. wrest the telecommunications network from Telkom's grubby, customer-unserviced paws. Drop the price of access, sort out the bandwidth limit and speed issues, get some decent cover etc.
That way I may actually be able to Blog. Provided Google stops with it's bX-j-something-or-other errors...
I really wish we'd get someone who could:
1. replace Eskom's monopoly over our power with a green solution that didn't fail when you dropped a bolt in it. A little wind power (we have LOTS of wind!) or solar power ("darkest" Africa ain't that dark...). But no, apparently they want to build more power stations - nuclear or coal-based.
2. wrest the telecommunications network from Telkom's grubby, customer-unserviced paws. Drop the price of access, sort out the bandwidth limit and speed issues, get some decent cover etc.
That way I may actually be able to Blog. Provided Google stops with it's bX-j-something-or-other errors...
Limits
I've found myself unusually pensive today, doing a bit of inner re-evaluation, specifically with regard to two dreams / goals I've held on to lately.
One I always thought was so far out of my reach that I'd never get it - but with encouragement to dream big, dream wildly, dream the impossible I've clung to it nonetheless. Which is a good thing.
Another has been a goal I've held for ages, forming my life around it in many ways, making decisions based on where I wanted to be one day. Which is also a good thing.
But I've been wondering today if hanging on to them has kept me back from finding other ways to fly. If holding so tight has limited my options and closed me off to experiencing other things, finding other dreams, adjusting my goals.
It's a scary thought. So much of the past months, the past year, has had singular focus that kept me moving forward. To let go of that in order to find a new space is terrifying, and it almost feels like I've wasted a lot of time. My way-out dream would take a lot of letting go of, my life-building dream would need a replacement to fill a huge hollow space. My heart is deeply invested in both of them and would be torn and ripped by giving them up.
Truth is I don't want to let go. I like my dream, I like my goal. I want to keep at it and keep working, keep believing I can make things happen (or that the Universe will give me a push in the right direction).
I have no idea why I'm feeling all introspective today. Perhaps it's a matter of an odd bout of aloneness (I refuse to say I'm feeling lonely). Maybe it's simply not enough chocolate! :-) Or enough veggies. Or too little water. (Much, apparently, has its roots in food)
Whatever it is, sometimes I guess it's good to re-examine where you're at. Even if you don't like the results.
One I always thought was so far out of my reach that I'd never get it - but with encouragement to dream big, dream wildly, dream the impossible I've clung to it nonetheless. Which is a good thing.
Another has been a goal I've held for ages, forming my life around it in many ways, making decisions based on where I wanted to be one day. Which is also a good thing.
But I've been wondering today if hanging on to them has kept me back from finding other ways to fly. If holding so tight has limited my options and closed me off to experiencing other things, finding other dreams, adjusting my goals.
It's a scary thought. So much of the past months, the past year, has had singular focus that kept me moving forward. To let go of that in order to find a new space is terrifying, and it almost feels like I've wasted a lot of time. My way-out dream would take a lot of letting go of, my life-building dream would need a replacement to fill a huge hollow space. My heart is deeply invested in both of them and would be torn and ripped by giving them up.
Truth is I don't want to let go. I like my dream, I like my goal. I want to keep at it and keep working, keep believing I can make things happen (or that the Universe will give me a push in the right direction).
I have no idea why I'm feeling all introspective today. Perhaps it's a matter of an odd bout of aloneness (I refuse to say I'm feeling lonely). Maybe it's simply not enough chocolate! :-) Or enough veggies. Or too little water. (Much, apparently, has its roots in food)
Whatever it is, sometimes I guess it's good to re-examine where you're at. Even if you don't like the results.
Snippets
Here's a whole pile of stuff that's been bouncing around in my head:
* It's funny how we often asume people know us as well as we know ourselves. Take this blog, for example. I find myself writing (all too often) as if you can read my mind, as if you know all the stories that have made me who I am today, my history and perspectives. So I often summarize my thoughts instead of expanding into the nuances that would actually explain what I'm on about. If you find yourself somewhat confused here on occasion, I certainly don't blame you.. :-)
* I've set myself a fitness & health goal with a timestamp on it - but age seems to be playing a factor this time around. A few years ago I would have easily achieved what I set out to do, but now it's taking longer and requires a lot more work. Just when I think I'm getting it right, I realize I've still got a ways to go! But I will persevere. And I really need to stop forgetting to eat.
* It looks like the Camino trip is going to work out... but I'm still concerned about what to do with my son while I'm gone. 2 months is a long time for him to be on his own, but I'm not sure who I could ask to help out. The nearest family is a half-hour drive away, but his school is right here. Friends? Not anyone I could call on for such a big thing. Still thinking very hard.
* I'm finally getting to the stage at work where I can breathe again. The worst of the November to February rush is over, and I can turn my attention to stuff I've neglected. I think I kinda ground to a halt this past week, simply running out of steam after putting in so much effort constantly for months. There was one late afternoon where I simply couldn't give a stuff anymore, and just wanted to go home. I know I'm not the only one - our IT guy has been heading off to work just after 6 every morning, working till late at night, and mentioned yesterday he also got that "don't give a damn" feeling this week. I know one thing - all work and no play/me-time/relaxation is not a good thing. Balance is essential, or you're not going to make it.
And now it's back to the grindstone. Got a pretty big job that I'm determined to finish today. Can't put it off any longer.
* It's funny how we often asume people know us as well as we know ourselves. Take this blog, for example. I find myself writing (all too often) as if you can read my mind, as if you know all the stories that have made me who I am today, my history and perspectives. So I often summarize my thoughts instead of expanding into the nuances that would actually explain what I'm on about. If you find yourself somewhat confused here on occasion, I certainly don't blame you.. :-)
* I've set myself a fitness & health goal with a timestamp on it - but age seems to be playing a factor this time around. A few years ago I would have easily achieved what I set out to do, but now it's taking longer and requires a lot more work. Just when I think I'm getting it right, I realize I've still got a ways to go! But I will persevere. And I really need to stop forgetting to eat.
* It looks like the Camino trip is going to work out... but I'm still concerned about what to do with my son while I'm gone. 2 months is a long time for him to be on his own, but I'm not sure who I could ask to help out. The nearest family is a half-hour drive away, but his school is right here. Friends? Not anyone I could call on for such a big thing. Still thinking very hard.
* I'm finally getting to the stage at work where I can breathe again. The worst of the November to February rush is over, and I can turn my attention to stuff I've neglected. I think I kinda ground to a halt this past week, simply running out of steam after putting in so much effort constantly for months. There was one late afternoon where I simply couldn't give a stuff anymore, and just wanted to go home. I know I'm not the only one - our IT guy has been heading off to work just after 6 every morning, working till late at night, and mentioned yesterday he also got that "don't give a damn" feeling this week. I know one thing - all work and no play/me-time/relaxation is not a good thing. Balance is essential, or you're not going to make it.
And now it's back to the grindstone. Got a pretty big job that I'm determined to finish today. Can't put it off any longer.
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