Restless

The Daily Om* hit me right between the eyes today. Well, it was more a gathering of circumstances that conspired to do so.

Firstly, I'm supposed to be on leave this week. Except that not everything is lined up for what needs to be accomplished, so that's been moved to next week and here I am at work.

Secondly - yes, the Daily Om.

And Thirdly, it's an absolutely beautifully stunning day outside today. The best weather we've had in ages! Seriously not the kind of day you want to spend indoors. It's very easy on days like this to do a Google Earth zoom on your life, scrolling from desk level out to the perspective of little ants busy at their little jobs in blocks of buildings, keeping an invisible wheel turning for an unseen master, hoping to claim their bit at the end of an alloted time period ... while Life goes by. (Yes, that sounds harsh, but it's how my mind works)

Then Forthly and beyond there's stuff churning in my head. Dreams and goals, passions that need time and attention. Ones I don't want to leave to the one-day and the maybe-when.

So I'm restless today. Tempted to chuck in the grind, to get up and walk out in favour of simply forging ahead to make things happen, to move in the direction my heart hankers for. Before I look up and find I've run out of time.

*

Why Not Now?
Waiting For Someday

The time we are blessed with is limited and tends to be used up all too quickly. How we utilize that time is consequently one of the most important decisions we make. Yet it is far too easy to put off until tomorrow what we are dreaming of today. The hectic pace of modern existence affords us an easy out; we shelve our aspirations so we can cope more effectively with the challenges of the present, ostensibly to have more time and leisure to realize our purpose in the future. Or we tell ourselves that we will chase our dreams someday once we have accomplished other lesser goals. In truth, it is our fear that keeps us from seeking fulfillment in the here and now—because we view failure as a possibility, our reasons for delaying our inevitable success seem sound and rational. If we ask ourselves what we are really waiting for, however, we discover that there is no truly compelling reason why we should put off the pursuit of the dreams that sustain us.

When regarded as a question, "Why not now?" drains us of our power to realize our ambitions. We are so concerned with the notion that we are somehow undeserving of happiness that we cannot see that there is much we can do in the present to begin courting it. Yet when we look decisively at our existence and state, "Why not now, indeed!" we are empowered to begin changing our lives this very moment. We procrastinate for many reasons, from a perceived lack of time to a legitimate lack of self-belief, but the truth of the matter is that there is no time like the present and no time but the present. Whatever we aim to accomplish, we will achieve it more quickly and with a greater degree of efficiency when we seize the day and make the most of the resources we have at our disposal presently.

All the joy, passion, and contentment you can envision can be yours right now, rather than in some far-flung point in time. You need only remind yourself that there is nothing standing between you and fulfillment. If you decide that today is the day you will take your destiny into your hands, you will soon discover that you hold the keys of fate.

News in brief

The Ford is sold. Olivia is currently seeing the insides of the first Official Garage that doesn't involve backdoor work and amateur swearing (ie, someone who knows what they're doing)- though I suspect she's become addicted to being towed by Toyotas. I got to drive an automatic diesel Discovery 2 to work yesterday (what an experience! so different from the white-knuckle Series trip). The house is still marvellously full of people and things. I'm on leave next week to "pimp my ride". And winter's back - snow on mountains, freezing wind, rain.

Cellphones

I needed a good laugh today. This, just in by email, provided it.

"All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Nandos. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon.

Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1.Occupied.

2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

3.Poo on seat.

4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and
sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful ????ter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut.

The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. ????ter was blathering to Mrs. ????ter about the ????ty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.

The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my *** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom."

More Blog-lite

If you thought the Lite bloggging was bad recently, it's about to get a whole lot worse. My favourite man is going to be keeping me busy for a while with a variety of things that take priority over blogging! :-) Which is, of course, the "something big going down" I mentioned recently - and that's all you'll hear for now.

But watch this space - you may get a hint of some of what is going on behind the scenes one day.

Internet Crash

via Lifehacker

Blog-lite

Blogging may be minimal here for a while. Something big is going down and my attention's required elsewhere....

Wish me luck! :-)

Move-it

I've been suffering from a woe-is-me attitude lately. It may or may not have come through online, but I've been holding huge pity parties while I sit on some of the answers to my issues. And why was I doing that? Because they seemed like such a lot of the unknown to work through that I got scared and backed off. They overwhelmed me, I didn't know how to accomplish them, so I did nothing.

But to hell with that! I've had enough. In fact this whole "enough" thing has been building for a while now. I've become peeved over a few things that need sorting out, which I put off and procrastinate and hum and aah about, but guess what - no more.

There are still some very big, very scary unknowns. But I can't let those intimidate me. As of today there's a plan of action, and I've accomplished more in the past 5 hours than I have in a long time on some of that stuff. While the momentum is there, I'm being ruthless. No more dilly-dallying or waiting for things to happen. As Dr Phil likes to ask, "how's that working for you?" - well it wasn't. And it's not going to be allowed in anymore.

I have a lot to sort out in the next few days. I have some serious planning and manipulating to accomplish if I'm to end up where I want to be. There's still a big fat (and important) blank in the not-too-distant future, but I'll deal with that when I get there. Meantime it's all systems go. Time to finally get sorted.

Spring

Yup, I know it's still winter, but last night was hinting at Spring, and this morning is absolutely beautiful outside.

Unfortunately this kind of weather makes me restless....

Winter's good for hunkering down and cuddling up, cocooning and introspection, staying in bed all day and indulging in comfort food. It's "recovery season", a chance to veg out and chill (hopefully not too literally).

But it can't last forever. Pretty soon the days are longer, the weather warmer, and lying abed just gets irritating after a few hours. Food gets lighter as the days grow longer, and you'd much rather be outdoors than in.

So here's a few things I'd love to be doing today:

* Out in the bush, somewhere with thorn trees and dust, where you're likely to come across the odd wild animal unexpectedly. Just going wherever the wind blows to see what's over the next hill or around the corner - or simply staying in one place and watching the light change the view as the day ebbs and flows.

* Working on the Landy - with enough cash, parts and knowledge to do everything I want to accomplish, and end up with exactly what I'm aspiring to.

* Exploring the area around that large extinct volcano near Sutherland - perfect silence and endless vistas.

* Northern Cape / southern Namibia. Places yet unexperienced.

* Sitting around a braai fire in the last afternoon sun with good company until the day fades into starlight.

* Hanging out in a hammock with a good book and some comfy pillows, surrounded by the sound of the summer cicadas zinging in the trees. Grandparent's farm would be a good place for that, in the aviary where the pheasants stalk and the doves eye you with interest as a tortoise wanders by.

* And talking of the grandparent's farm - down by the small river with the dogs and the pellet gun, shooting errant crabs, watching out for leggies (big iguana-type things) and chopping back vegetation down by the big river. Bit of kleilat at the dam wouldn't go amiss.

* Or, hanging out in gramps's workshop, fiddling with his tools and equipment, learning from a master how to craft metal into good stuff, and discovering hidden treasures in the dust behind the workbench.

* Sitting at the foot of the Drakensberg, next to a mountain stream.

* Or under a baobab tree near the Limpopo.

* Plotting and planning overland stuff with my favourite brilliant mind, daydreaming of places to go and things to see.

I think I need a holiday. A whole lot longer than the 15 days allocated per year...

Back to normal

The roads were a mess this morning - school has started for the second half of the year and idiot drivers reigned supreme.

I was happily trundling along in the slow lane doing 60-70km/hr (the speedo jumps, so I take an average), only to hear a squealing of brakes next to me as some nincompoop (hmmm. when last did I call someone that?) in a sports model doing about 140 slammed on brakes to conform to the speed of the rest of the traffic. He was closely followed by small zippy cars nipping in and out of the lanes of sedately-moving law-abiding citizens, way too close to the bumpers of others, causing some of them to hit the brakes and others to just get peeved.

And this was bright and early - well, not so bright, it's still pretty dark at 7 in the morning.

Do these blokes have a early-morning deathwish? A desire to start the day in the worst way possible? I'm sorry to say that I almost wish some of them would come acropper, just to teach them a lesson or two. Unfortunately that would probably involve innocent bystanders in the disaster, which wouldn't be a good thing.

I just have to wonder what is so terribly urgent that they have to speed. "Arrive Alive" even if you're late - or leave earlier if you're on a deadline. And if you're speeding for the joy of feeling your engine roar - go do it on a deserted road somewhere, not in rush-hour traffic.

So it's back to full roads and mini-jams (I'm lucky - no real stop/start traffic on my small commute) as school kicks in. Grumpy kid in the morning, forking over bus ticket cash to get him up the hill. At least we managed to cut his hair last night (enough to stuff a duvet with).

Sliding back into our routine.

Jumping Jack

The first time it happened, I could see that it was accidental. Early morning, starting my car in the dark, there was no way he noticed me in it as he wandered around his house. (nice butt!)

The second time it happened, I hoped it was accidental. Just didn't bother to close the blinds as he hauled something out the cupboard. (hmm.. a bit skinny and so very not attractive!)

The third time it happened I started to get worried. No hassle with this one, right up by the window, first thing on a Sunday morning, and not even an attempt at curtain-drawing. (not bad for an old bloke!)

My neighbours are flashing me...!

Some Mondays...

... are just, well, MONDAYS!

This morning I was half-awake quite early, and lay there wondering why I was so awake at such an early hour, waiting for my alarm to go off. Until I heard the neighbours leave and realized I hadn't switched the thing on again after the weekend, and it was - in fact - 6:38! Good thing my son didn't have to be at school today. Jumped up, rushed around, left nearly on time still, filled up the truck, and got to work at a decent early hour before the sun came up.

Only to discover I'd left my security tag at home - the one that literally opens doors here. So I had to wait until someone came along to let me in.

Then the computer didn't want to go off battery power onto mains (until I noticed the plug not quite in at the back)...

But these things happen. And I'm facing today with a sense of adventure, not doom. Life's too short to spend it feeling oppressed by circumstances. And way too short not to dive wholeheartedly into the good things it has to offer. Today it has many good things to offer, and if they don't come to find me I'll seek them out and hunt them down.

So thus starts Monday. Could be blue, not going to let it. Even if I have to climb down the gutter to get home.

7 things

Oh dear, tagged again, this time by Kel!

The Rules: Players start with 7 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 7 random facts. Players should tag 7 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

Right, so here goes:

1. I have a large "beauty spot" right next to my bellybutton and a small one on my boob. Not many people have seen either.. :-)

2. I used to be able to do a backbend without bending my knees. VERY supple lower back - not sure I could do it now though. I think the accident I was in years ago put paid to that one.

3. My eyelids are two different shapes - ever so subtley.

4. I regret cutting my sit-on-long hair regularly. Other days I'd like to shave off what's left and start again.

5. I have a birthmark on my butt. Not many people have seen it... :-)

6. I've never considered running away to the circus. I have, however, considered running away to drive trucks long-distance for a while.

7. I have a not-so-secret addiction to pimento-stuffed olives. Thank goodness they're too pricey to indulge in regularly.

Tagged - you! Leave notice in the comments that you've taken up the challenge.

Reboot

I've become WAY too focussed on the negative recently - mostly because a lot of it has attempted to take over my life and force me to Deal. Today I got sick of it. Yet again what I tried wasn't working and I was heading into one very quick, very disastrous spiral.

But you know what? Life's to short to count your curses. So for the rest of the day I'm ignoring them. They haven't gone away, but they're not going to get my attention.

So - what's good about today? Sunshine. Warm outside. Spotted a funny sign and a pair of yellow-billed kites while walking out some frustration. I still know how to make the best pizza in town (currently rising in the car - the perfect, warm, draught-free place for yeasty things to expand). I have a heart that can feel, can care, can love - and does, often to bursting point. I have people who care for me too. I have one car that works (the other is merely a rising vessel for yeasty things), and she's shiny too! :-) I have an imagination that produces all sorts of interesting plans, daydreams and fantasies, and my rather strange sense of humour hasn't left me yet. I still have my blue eyes, and I don't need to go spend money on highlights - the increasing greys are taking care of that. :-) I've got clothes to wear, a bed to sleep in, a pretty super place to live, and two dogs that think I'm awesome. My leg is finally starting to heal up. I have a working computer and bandwidth left to indulge my online addictions. I have sunshine on my bed this afternoon, and in my eyes right now. I have a friggin' Land Rover!!! (hell, that's something BIG, and one I've aspired to for years) I have nearly a kilo of dark chili chocolate nearby, should I desire some. I've met another neighbour today.

Plenty to be happy about, so I'm going to go do just that.

Tired

I went to be last night tired. Physically, yes, but also tired in a whole lot of other ways.

I'm tired of struggling, for one. Struggling with finances, struggling with parenting, struggling to keep my soul topped up on strength, struggling with things on the Landy that I can't get right. Some days it feels like running in peanut butter. I can work my butt off and I don't get anywhere.

I'm tired of sitting with an overfull to-do list, and not enough energy to do it - eyes too burned-out to look at the screen one more time, imagination kaput, hours too short in the day. Last night I tossed and turned all night, plagued by strange dreams and too much on my mind.

But today's a new day. And I'm going to try make it different.

Photoblog: Shiny

Olivia had her first wash and wax in years today! Doesn't she look good...

Force-feed

Warning: this is a strange post for one who loves her food and enjoys cooking, but it's one of those way-markers, where I'm at today.

I mentioned earlier this week the bad habits I've been falling into food-wise. Not getting enough in, nor enough of the right stuff, and then running on near-empty through some either stressful or busy days.

Yesterday I realized just how that's affecting me. While at work I stood up to go to the loo, and had a few-second sit-back-down blackout that left me dizzy for nearly an hour. Blood pressure low (it always is, but now appears to be even lower), not enough iron, and living on Milo for breakfast, coffee for mid-morning, one cheese sarmie for lunchtime and about a litre of water in between. If I were eating well at night it would help, but I'm too tired to cook up a storm and when it comes to putting food in my face I can't get more than a few bites in before I've had enough. The dogs get the rest.

It's not good. It's a vicious circle that's going to destroy me unless nipped in the bud.

So this morning I force-fed myself breakfast. Crammed food in so I'd have fuel for the day. Stomach didn't really want it, mouth resisted, but it's in nonetheless. And it's staying there. I will not black out while doing what needs doing today. I will not have a sudden energy crash in the middle of something essential (like tightening a bolt before an engine's worth of oil pours out). And I will not wake up just as exhausted as I went to bed in the morning.

Here it stops, and here it turns around. Though it's going to take some doing.

Early to rise

My alarm is still going off really early. This morning I actually managed to drag myself out of bed though, hit the shower, and get to work by 7:15! Which made for a rather long working day, but I did duck out just before 4 with good reason in hand.

I've noticed something. It's getting lighter in the mornings. You know what that means? SUMMER is coming! Leaving at 6:45 was no longer in the pitch-dark today, but rather with the first fading to grey happening. By the time I got to work sunrise was considering making an appearance. One of these days the sun will be up by then.

But I know winter's not over. There's still a few months left, and probably a lot more cold fronts due to hit. So I snatch every bit of sun I can. Lunchtimes, early mornings in the caf with coffee in hand - planning my tasks for the day. The last sunshine in the evening, perched on Olivia's wing. Total sun-follower, that's me.

And I can't wait for summer.

Photoblog: Camera Phone

I don't have the best camera in my phone, but I kinda like how the perspectives on this one turned out.

Choice

Sometimes the DailyOm appears to read my mind - and hits right home to what I've been thinking about. Here's today's:

Shedding Light On Ourselves
Parts That Don’t Want To Heal

In almost every case, we know what is best for us in our lives, from the relationships we create to the food we eat. Still, somewhat mysteriously, it is often difficult to make the right choices for ourselves. We find ourselves hanging out with someone who leaves us feeling drained or choosing to eat fast food over a salad. We go through phases where we stop doing yoga or taking vitamins, even though we feel so much better when we do. Often we have no idea why we continue to make the less enlightened choice, but it is important that we inquire into ourselves to find out.

When we choose that which is not best for us, the truth can be that there is a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal. We may say it’s because we don’t have the time or the energy or the resources, but the real truth is that when we don’t take care of ourselves we are falling prey to self-sabotage. Self-sabotage happens unconsciously, which is why it’s so difficult to see that we are doing it. The important thing to realize is that this very part of us that resists our healing is the part that most needs our attention and love. Even as it appears to be working against us, if we can simply bring it into the light of our consciousness, it can become our greatest ally. It carries the information we need to move to the next level in our healing process.

When we recognize that we are not making healthy choices, we might even say out loud, “I am not taking care of myself.” Sometimes this is the jolt we need to wake up to what is actually happening. Next we can sit ourselves down in meditation, with a journal, or with a trusted friend to explore the matter more thoroughly. Just shining the light of our awareness on the source of our resistance is sometimes enough to dispel its power. At other times, further effort is required. Either way, we need not fear these parts that do not want to heal. We only need to take them under our wing and bring them with us into the light.

OK, so it's a little "airy fairy" in places, as only the DailyOM can be. D/O assumes we all do yoga and are at one with the planet (which some of us aren't exactly yet).

The thing is this. I haven't been looking after myself. I've recently almost given up eating thanks to various factors. I'm on "minimal rations" (kinda down to one meal a day) without even really intending to be - and they're not the best of rations. Yes, it's somewhat addictive to watch the reflection in the mirror shrinking, but I'm actually not doing it on purpose.

I haven't been getting enough exercise, I haven't been drinking enough water. And all this I know - but to get a kick up the butt as reminder does help.

Today's DailyOm has me wondering if there's something going on deep down that's preventing me from treating myself to the best, some subconcious sabotaging of me. Or if I just have so much on my plate that looking after myself has simply flown out the window.

Service Announcement

For all those Googlers who are landing on my blog by mistake while seeking "Lindi Model", here's what you're looking for:

The Model Who Broke Up Kate & Pete.

Happy now? :-)

Back to regular programming...

How to relax

You gotta love The Onion. They somehow manage to cut to the chase while satirically making fun of everything under the sun.

Love this:

WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season... Now it's time for a meatball sandwich," wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her "From The Editor" column. "Come on, live a little. Don't be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you." Features in the issue include "Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly," "Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You've Lived," and "Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck."

I think I may try that last one.

Photoblog: Evening Star

My view a few minutes ago.

(tripod going onto wishlist)

Zen

I've felt it lately - stress eating into me like battery acid.

It's been too long since I sat in silence and emptied my mind of absolutely everything, without interruption, without distraction, without background noise other than wind or water.

It's been too long since I spent time away from the worries, the hassles, the pressures. Lived simply from moment to moment without rushing into the next second with a to-do list.

It's been forever since I simply got out of the city to a place with no internet, no phones, no pressure to do anything or be anywhere - no alarm clocks, just the gentle rhythm of days.

In fact, I think I need to grab my favourite man and disappear into the bush for a week or a million.

New Day

After much pondering this weekend I realized I need more hours in the day, and a good bit of self-discipline. So this morning my alarm went off at 5:45 instead of 6, and will be moved gradually earlier to a pre-determined time.

Yesterday's early day saw me powering through a lot of things with determination. And it's a much-needed determination - I've realized life is too short to mess around, and there are some areas where I'm saying "enough! no further!". There are still many things frustrating me, but I'm developing a plan of action to deal with them one at a time.

I once read that many of us wait until a certain time to make change. "Tomorrow I'll do better" or "when my next birthday arrives" or (the popular) "New Year's Resolution". And yet we have a choice every second, from one to the next, as to how to chart our course. There is no need to wait. And I'll say it again, THERE IS NO NEED TO WAIT to change. I can no longer afford to wait. Life is uncertain, finite, and I will not waste even seconds anymore.

It's a new day. Things are changing. Miracles may not happen, I may not be able to make all my dreams come true, some things may simply be beyond my power, but I sure as hell am going to be putting in the effort to move forward and achieve what is humanly possible.

Early

It's only just starting to get light - very early Sunday morning, and I've been up for an hour already. The headspace of last night is all but gone, the brain is busy, and there are things to accomplish in the day.

So here I am - email inbox cleaned out, GReader items read, comments at the LRUK posted. One blog post, and it will be on to the day. The complex is silent - most are still sleeping in. The sky is clear (except for a bank of clouds on the mountain), a half-moon heading west. Still very chilly out there, so I'll be doing some indoors stuff for a while.

My son will be awake in about an hour. There's something to be said for being the only one up. There's peace and quiet to think, to plan, to work, to accomplish.

And that's why I'm up & dressed on one of the few days I could be sleeping in.

Headspace

When all you eat is 3 slices of toast, a cup of coffee, 2 olives and 4 baby tomatoes all day, when you toss and turn all night, when you think too much during daylight hours, when your to-do list piles up to the point of paralyzing you into inaction, when emails heap up in your drafts folder because you don't trust your judgement to say too little or too much, and when you hit writer's block - you can end up in a weird headspace.

Guess where I'm at tonight.

Those who know me well wouldn't recognize me in this place. And it doesn't strike often. Just every now and then.

It's the kind of headspace that has some serious heavy rock/metal pouring out of my considerably-good-quality computer speakers, drowning everything out. And the kind of headspace where I'm about to go run in the cold, dark night, as long as my legs and lungs hold out, wherever my feet take me - and I don't usually run. Perhaps I'm trying to run away from it, or just purge the skull & soul and start again. I don't know.

It's just that kind of headspace night. (It's a good thing I don't do drugs/alcohol or I'd likely be wasted around about now)

African Time

We've been living in this complex for 3 months now. When we moved in, a number of issues were noted that needed fixing. Since then 3 people have come and gone to "give quotes" to the owner via the property agent.

Yesterday a 4th person turned up to fix everything.

Or so I thought...

Nope, another quote. I'm starting to wonder if we'll ever get anything repaired. It's not stuff that's essential to our existance, but it's little irritating things. I may have to put a word in the ear of the agent come Monday.

Stress

I'm feeling more than a little on edge this weekend, struggling to unwind after a week of high stress. One would think writing for a living is hardly stressfull, but I have news for you - it is! :-) If I could sit and write whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, there'd be absolutely no mad tension. But writing to deadlines, stomping out emergency fires, re-writing when others change their minds, and still trying to cram knowledge of systems and procedures into the head all at the same time - that's where the stress comes in.

I know this isn't good for me. A desire to decrease stress in my life was what had me looking around for another job at the end of last year. (Well that didn't work! :-) ) It's what has me still considering the long-term dreams I hold, in a light other than climbing corporate ladders.

Stress was a major factor in my mom's developing breast cancer. Stress does things to your body and health that are terrible, potentially life-threatening, irreversibly damaging. Yet we seem to shrug it off as part of life. It's the rat-race we live in, the norm for those who want any kind of success or even yet survival in this day and age.

But I can't help thinking there has to be another way. Surely life is more than this, worth more than sacrificing everything you are to a schedule and demands.

Today I have a to-do list. I have things that are still stressing me out, carried over from the working week. I have other items that demand my attention if I'm to survive beyond the next few months. There's even a stress-related health concern that's stressing me out (vicious circle).

I'm struggling to relax, to chill, to breathe deeply and let go of that tension this weekend. But I know that I have to. And I have to keep doing it, or face hassles years down the line.

It's going to take mindfulness, effort to find ways to release the tension and regain that inner calm. It may require a few lifestyle changes, starting today. But it has to be done. Before it's too late to undo the damage it causes.

I won!

It's not often I win anything. But today's my lucky day (next Friday, not so lucky - it's the 13th.....!).

I entered Wes's Yoyo competition and was either the only entrant, or just way too good. Either way, I've won a yoyo. Or lesbian pr0n.

Now one would think that's an easy choice of prizes. But I thought I'd get your input. Which one should I take? :-)

Vote in the comments!!!

Things that don't mix well

Static electricty and shopping carts

Warm soldering irons and hands

Wind and skirts

Constipation and chilies

Sand and contact lenses

Hot engine blocks and timing light cables

Shins and sharp objects

Tyres and nails

Sex and your parent's house

Working hours and beach weather

Land Rovers and Jeeps

Cold weather and bare feet (or empty beds)

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Anyone want to guess which one of the above I had dealings with today? :-)

There are days...

... when one should not get out of bed.

This is one of them.

This is South Africa

It's been a beautiful hot day. As I sit here the windows are flung open wide at night for the first time in ages. The neighbours have their doors open. And, because this is South Africa, there's only one thing to do. Braai. Supper on the coals. Woodsmoke drifting through the open window, sparks flying up into the night air. Bring on summer!

Keywords

Spiral - I certainly have control freak tendancies. I hate it when aspects of my life start to feel like they're spiralling toward the drain. Yesterday I had a very bad half-hour where the list of things heading toward disaster built up one item at a time. I wrestled a few under control, the others are being attacked systematically. Whatever can't be fixed is being summararily ignored until such time as I can sort it out.

Rings - I've been pondering familial rings lately. How one amasses relatives via marriage (or re-marriage - watch this space) in ever-widening rings, people who were strangers and are suddenly family. Sometimes it's an easy integration, sometimes not so.

Vision - There are many words of wisdom that state "if you can picture it in your head, you can achieve it". Which is why the image that has been stuck in my head since Monday is startling me. It's both "fits like a glove" and "scary", all at the same time. Result of my daydreaming habit, it's too real, too crystal-clear and too private to share yet.

Save a life - take 2

When I was studying, the Blood Bank lot used to make regular events of giving blood at our Technikon. My friend Pierre and I used to delight in these. He was studying Civil Engineering with a lot of big strong men - my Life Sciences building was just down the way. We'd run across to where the bloodletting was happening in his building and watch the big strong blokes keel over after getting up too quickly. Yeah, small things amused small minds even back then. :-)

It's been many years since I gave blood. It's not as if blood banks are easy to find - they don't set up shop in one place and stay there all the time. Now and then there will be a mobile unit trundling around a shopping centre or other public place.

But here's the thing. I may have to wait until I'm dead to donate an organ - but blood is renewable. I've got clean, safe blood of a not-too-common kind. There's likely a need for what I can give, yet I'm hoarding mine. OK - occasionally I offer a bit of it up to my Land Rover, but Olivia can't really use it.

I think it's time I started to share.

Save a life

I stopped off to pick up my renewed driver's licence this morning on the way to work. The place was completely empty! Walk in, sign, walk out...

Along with my new licence, I was given an Organ Donor Foundation membership application. I'm not sure what that says about the state of our roads, that they hand out organ donor cards with your licence! :-)

But I'm filling mine in and sending it off. I'm reasonably healthy, I've got all my functioning parts, and I reckon if something happens to me my bits may as well go save the life (or at the very least improve it) of another.

Next I need to update my will. Knowing my "house is in order" will be a very good thing. Just in case.