It's been that kind of day - where I'm trying to keep tabs on so many things that my (already-blonde) brain keeps flitting from item to item without settling fully on any one thing.
So I've adopted what Favourite Man always urges me to do in this kind of situation. One thing at a time.
I started the day compiling a concrete to-do list and have been stolidly checking off items as I go. Not only has that helped me focus on a task at a time, but I get a real kick out of seeing things crossed off my list. Done and dusted.
OK, this is just the working-hours list; there's another whole after-hours one awaiting my attention, but that's what pens and paper are for. I have yet to find a multiple-computer organization system that works for me (perhaps I haven't delved sufficiently into Google Calendar? - mostly because it takes too long to load!), so the notebook goes where I go, and the pen is ever-handy. With that system I have a reference point too for phone numbers, for cash amounts, for email addresses and what I've done when. It becomes a bit of a journal of accomplishments, an easy place to find historical info.
Today it's been my saving grace. It's collected my scatterbrain onto one page, narrowed down my thoughts into goal-driven steps, and kept me on the straight and narrow. Almost. I still veer off into Googling stuff or typing stuff or between-the-lines to-do's that are somewhat related to the official list - but it's a very good start.
Now if only I could clone myself...
Upping the pace
If I thought I'd put in as much effort as I could manage recently, I could be wrong. The time has come to up the pace for as long as it takes to achieve some of the goals I've set.
This could very easily wear me out long-term, so I'm setting myself a few guidelines:
1. My health is important. Although I might be putting in long hours, I will not forget to rest - and I'll use all I've learnt about mind-over-matter to ensure I "switch off" to do so. Unlike last night where I was still wide-awake at 1:30...
2. I need to watch my nutrition while under pressure, or I'll simply end up sick and unable to work. Back to the 5 a day plan, with as many veggies and fruits as I can fit in. No more dehydration - sufficient water intake will ensure my body runs well, but also keep the computer-eyes at bay.
3. One thing at a time. I may thrive on multi-tasking, but I need to learn to devote my full attention to one task at a time, finish it, and only then move on to the next. No more half-jobs left hanging, no more lost train of thought because I switched tasks. If something pops into my head, that's what my notebook is for - and I'll deal with it later.
4. Fresh air and exercise. Everyone needs a break now and then, everyone needs to get the blood pumping. I have to increase these and incorporate them into the physical/mental breaks between tasks and my everyday life.
5. Don't forget the goals. It's easy to get caught up in the here-and-now rush, lose sight of where you're headed, and find that you no longer have any motivation to move forward. I need to keep the bigger picture in sight, and know how what I'm doing now fits into that - constantly.
6. Don't forget the important stuff. Family, friends, laughter, good food and tinkering with the Landy in the great outdoors. While pushing myself further and harder, I can't lose sight of the things that really matter to me, and I need to set aside enough time to enjoy these too.
7. Ditch the distractions and sidelines. It's easy to keep checking email and GReader, forums and blogs and websites while attempting to work. It's gotta go. The Gmail notifier is going to be disabled during hard-slog periods, the Reader window closed, and time set aside to do those only once I'm done with the other stuff. It won't get done first, or I'll never start.
8. I need to sort out my work environment. Instead of straining to see the screen, sitting with a terrible posture and being somewhat technologically-disorganized, I need to make sure that how and where I work completely supports what I'm trying to accomplish. Yes, I have a plan for this one - it's just going to need to be implemented as soon as possible.
9. I will not try to be superwoman. Look, I could try, but it's not a good idea. I will do what I can, push myself as far as is wise, but not try to impress myself (or anyone else) by overdoing everything.
10. In all things, balance. This ties in with all of the above, as well as the fact that I'm a mom, a house-chick, a full-day-working chick, a Landy chick, a girlfriend chick... I cannot neglect one aspect of who I am to become obsessed with another. This will require organization and personal boundary-setting. It will require ditching bad habits in favour of creating good ones. It will require mindful living in rhythm with how life flows.
And I think 10 things is more than enough for now! Common sense dictates I should focus on only one and get it right, but this list encompasses it all, the nitty-gritty of what I should be doing as I dive headfirst into the new year's challenges.
This could very easily wear me out long-term, so I'm setting myself a few guidelines:
1. My health is important. Although I might be putting in long hours, I will not forget to rest - and I'll use all I've learnt about mind-over-matter to ensure I "switch off" to do so. Unlike last night where I was still wide-awake at 1:30...
2. I need to watch my nutrition while under pressure, or I'll simply end up sick and unable to work. Back to the 5 a day plan, with as many veggies and fruits as I can fit in. No more dehydration - sufficient water intake will ensure my body runs well, but also keep the computer-eyes at bay.
3. One thing at a time. I may thrive on multi-tasking, but I need to learn to devote my full attention to one task at a time, finish it, and only then move on to the next. No more half-jobs left hanging, no more lost train of thought because I switched tasks. If something pops into my head, that's what my notebook is for - and I'll deal with it later.
4. Fresh air and exercise. Everyone needs a break now and then, everyone needs to get the blood pumping. I have to increase these and incorporate them into the physical/mental breaks between tasks and my everyday life.
5. Don't forget the goals. It's easy to get caught up in the here-and-now rush, lose sight of where you're headed, and find that you no longer have any motivation to move forward. I need to keep the bigger picture in sight, and know how what I'm doing now fits into that - constantly.
6. Don't forget the important stuff. Family, friends, laughter, good food and tinkering with the Landy in the great outdoors. While pushing myself further and harder, I can't lose sight of the things that really matter to me, and I need to set aside enough time to enjoy these too.
7. Ditch the distractions and sidelines. It's easy to keep checking email and GReader, forums and blogs and websites while attempting to work. It's gotta go. The Gmail notifier is going to be disabled during hard-slog periods, the Reader window closed, and time set aside to do those only once I'm done with the other stuff. It won't get done first, or I'll never start.
8. I need to sort out my work environment. Instead of straining to see the screen, sitting with a terrible posture and being somewhat technologically-disorganized, I need to make sure that how and where I work completely supports what I'm trying to accomplish. Yes, I have a plan for this one - it's just going to need to be implemented as soon as possible.
9. I will not try to be superwoman. Look, I could try, but it's not a good idea. I will do what I can, push myself as far as is wise, but not try to impress myself (or anyone else) by overdoing everything.
10. In all things, balance. This ties in with all of the above, as well as the fact that I'm a mom, a house-chick, a full-day-working chick, a Landy chick, a girlfriend chick... I cannot neglect one aspect of who I am to become obsessed with another. This will require organization and personal boundary-setting. It will require ditching bad habits in favour of creating good ones. It will require mindful living in rhythm with how life flows.
And I think 10 things is more than enough for now! Common sense dictates I should focus on only one and get it right, but this list encompasses it all, the nitty-gritty of what I should be doing as I dive headfirst into the new year's challenges.
Made it
The 25th of January - and the entire country (planet?) breathes a collective sigh of relief. Payday!
I'm not sure how it goes elsewhere, but here in South Africa there's a trend to pay folk their year-end salary around the 16th of December (in our case it was the 14th), and then expect them to survive until the end of January. Also in our case, there's no bonus involved to stretch the Rands over the festive season, so it can end up a pretty lean period no matter how carefully you juggle the bills.
Basically, the last 3 months have been financial hell for me. Knife-edge doesn't even come close - it's been survival mode all the way. Where some would drop R5 on a craving-chocolate, R500 on a few luxury groceries, R2,000 on Xmas gifts, I've been giving everything the twice-or-more-over before swapping my cash for it. Living on "orange lights" - the prepaid electricity meter, the fuel guage. Keeping them live, but often just barely. There's been a compounding of circumstances that have made things very "interesting", to say the least! :-)
January Payday has thus been seen as the Golden Day. The goal to aim for, the date I have to make it to. The final commute without the low-fuel light coming on, the final cup of morning coffee without the milk running out, the final contact lens rinse before the liquid runs dry.
And I've reached it. Payday's here. Can breathe again.
Though I'm breathing carefully. There's still some very careful manipulation of funds required for the next little while - still quite a few expenses to meet, and a little extra cash-inflow to confirm & secure. But this is the date I've been aiming for and have finally reached. From here on out I can make it.
Sjoe.
I'm not sure how it goes elsewhere, but here in South Africa there's a trend to pay folk their year-end salary around the 16th of December (in our case it was the 14th), and then expect them to survive until the end of January. Also in our case, there's no bonus involved to stretch the Rands over the festive season, so it can end up a pretty lean period no matter how carefully you juggle the bills.
Basically, the last 3 months have been financial hell for me. Knife-edge doesn't even come close - it's been survival mode all the way. Where some would drop R5 on a craving-chocolate, R500 on a few luxury groceries, R2,000 on Xmas gifts, I've been giving everything the twice-or-more-over before swapping my cash for it. Living on "orange lights" - the prepaid electricity meter, the fuel guage. Keeping them live, but often just barely. There's been a compounding of circumstances that have made things very "interesting", to say the least! :-)
January Payday has thus been seen as the Golden Day. The goal to aim for, the date I have to make it to. The final commute without the low-fuel light coming on, the final cup of morning coffee without the milk running out, the final contact lens rinse before the liquid runs dry.
And I've reached it. Payday's here. Can breathe again.
Though I'm breathing carefully. There's still some very careful manipulation of funds required for the next little while - still quite a few expenses to meet, and a little extra cash-inflow to confirm & secure. But this is the date I've been aiming for and have finally reached. From here on out I can make it.
Sjoe.
Cycle
I can virtually time my energy cycles these days. Today it's back to high-energy go-go-go on a multi-tasking to-do list (with a blog post building in the background, a chat in progress and 6 work screens open - no wonder my computer's groaning!). My mind is dashing ahead to what's up next while my fingers are still busy with the last job.
A few days ago I was in collapse-mode. This past weekend found me so exhausted that I had to bite my tongue not to snap at folk (and sometimes it didn't quite work). I dragged msyelf up the to-do list in a fug of going through the motions. I just wanted to sleep, to rest, in peace and quiet. A dramatic change from the powering-on mode a week earlier.
And now it's on the upswing again. I'm absorbing inspiration and ideas like a sponge. I'm working flat-out on everything at the same time, and getting it right.
So here's the plan. I need to start to work with, not against, my energy cycle. On days like today, I need to power through as much as I can. And then when those down-days hit, I need to rest - not push myself. There's no use fighting nature, and living with rhythm is a very good thing indeed.
A few days ago I was in collapse-mode. This past weekend found me so exhausted that I had to bite my tongue not to snap at folk (and sometimes it didn't quite work). I dragged msyelf up the to-do list in a fug of going through the motions. I just wanted to sleep, to rest, in peace and quiet. A dramatic change from the powering-on mode a week earlier.
And now it's on the upswing again. I'm absorbing inspiration and ideas like a sponge. I'm working flat-out on everything at the same time, and getting it right.
So here's the plan. I need to start to work with, not against, my energy cycle. On days like today, I need to power through as much as I can. And then when those down-days hit, I need to rest - not push myself. There's no use fighting nature, and living with rhythm is a very good thing indeed.
Remote-school
This is the year of the Big Experiment. Home school. In South African terms... EISH...!
My son is supposed to be starting in on the GCSE (UK) system, but I'm having hassles getting the info out of the local suppliers of study materials. He's supposed to write exams mid-2009, and has to fit 2 years of study into 18 months, so we're already behind on this one. Having to "wait for word from London" while their entire staff sits on a training session in Spain isn't helping.
In the meantime though, the kid needs to get stuff into his brain. While his friends sit in a classroom, he needs to be doing more than playing Flyff online and waking up at 10 to wander around in an unwashed stupor. So this week I've been setting him tasks every day via email from work.
Remote-schooling, if you will.
I'll send through about 5 things for him to do, with a bit of variety. He's done some reading of books I have at home (Readers Digest Condensed Books, "Three Men in a Boat" etc), he's done some online research, he's done housework, and personal hygiene, he's done pet-care. OK, some of those are a "you'd better do this as a decent human and part of the home" things - but in the world of home-schooling, they count as real-world education. We've done basic math while doing a shopping run - calculating how much cash we'll have to fork over at the till, what the best bargain per weight/volume is, and whether we can afford to buy one thing over another on a limited budget. He's had PT walking to the nearby shop for an experiment ingredient and carrying the groceries :-) OK, it's not that much exercise, but we're only starting out.
The thing with home-schooling is this, especially while awaiting formal schooling materials. Home-schoolers need a portfolio to prove that they've been learning instead of simply sitting around idly. Documenting his experiment this week is part of that. Listing books read adds to it too. We've got him watching the news every night for economics, history, geography and current events. There's talk of making cooking compulsory as learning in the UK - well, he'll be helping more with meals. I've booked him in to join me on a First Aid basics course next month. I'm grabbing "Romeo and Juliet" (the modern one with the old English - Leonardo DiCaprio etc) for him to watch and report back on - along with other classics already lying around the house (Gone with the Wind, Ben Hur, The Birds...). I plan to drag him off on a roadtrip or two and he is scheduled for a journey overseas this year (Without school terms to worry about, it's great! Wonder how long his gramps / cool aunty-friend want to keep him for.. M - can you send him walkabout with the locals? ;-) ).
He's got Favourite Man keeping an eye on him while I'm at work - which is a huge help. I get inside info if things aren't happening and can put in a quiet word or three to move them along. Favourite Man knows Things about Things too, and bit by bit the kid's absorbing knowledge (even if he doesn't look like it).
OK, it's a bit of an uphill battle at the moment. There's the whole teens & hormones thing to deal with along with the learning curve of making home-school happen. We still have to socialize him decently. We still have to work out a lot of other things. But I'm hopeful and optimistic that it can be done. Learning is really fun if you find a way to do it outside of being told how, and I think the kid's starting to see that.
Yes, there's more effort needed on both my part and his. And this isn't "official" school in the formal sense of the word. But he's learning, nonetheless. He's starting to get the right idea of how this has to happen.
Deep breath, holding thumbs - and let's see where it goes.
::update::
Funny how just when you think it's working... Seems I have more work ahead of me than I'd hoped.
My son is supposed to be starting in on the GCSE (UK) system, but I'm having hassles getting the info out of the local suppliers of study materials. He's supposed to write exams mid-2009, and has to fit 2 years of study into 18 months, so we're already behind on this one. Having to "wait for word from London" while their entire staff sits on a training session in Spain isn't helping.
In the meantime though, the kid needs to get stuff into his brain. While his friends sit in a classroom, he needs to be doing more than playing Flyff online and waking up at 10 to wander around in an unwashed stupor. So this week I've been setting him tasks every day via email from work.
Remote-schooling, if you will.
I'll send through about 5 things for him to do, with a bit of variety. He's done some reading of books I have at home (Readers Digest Condensed Books, "Three Men in a Boat" etc), he's done some online research, he's done housework, and personal hygiene, he's done pet-care. OK, some of those are a "you'd better do this as a decent human and part of the home" things - but in the world of home-schooling, they count as real-world education. We've done basic math while doing a shopping run - calculating how much cash we'll have to fork over at the till, what the best bargain per weight/volume is, and whether we can afford to buy one thing over another on a limited budget. He's had PT walking to the nearby shop for an experiment ingredient and carrying the groceries :-) OK, it's not that much exercise, but we're only starting out.
The thing with home-schooling is this, especially while awaiting formal schooling materials. Home-schoolers need a portfolio to prove that they've been learning instead of simply sitting around idly. Documenting his experiment this week is part of that. Listing books read adds to it too. We've got him watching the news every night for economics, history, geography and current events. There's talk of making cooking compulsory as learning in the UK - well, he'll be helping more with meals. I've booked him in to join me on a First Aid basics course next month. I'm grabbing "Romeo and Juliet" (the modern one with the old English - Leonardo DiCaprio etc) for him to watch and report back on - along with other classics already lying around the house (Gone with the Wind, Ben Hur, The Birds...). I plan to drag him off on a roadtrip or two and he is scheduled for a journey overseas this year (Without school terms to worry about, it's great! Wonder how long his gramps / cool aunty-friend want to keep him for.. M - can you send him walkabout with the locals? ;-) ).
He's got Favourite Man keeping an eye on him while I'm at work - which is a huge help. I get inside info if things aren't happening and can put in a quiet word or three to move them along. Favourite Man knows Things about Things too, and bit by bit the kid's absorbing knowledge (even if he doesn't look like it).
OK, it's a bit of an uphill battle at the moment. There's the whole teens & hormones thing to deal with along with the learning curve of making home-school happen. We still have to socialize him decently. We still have to work out a lot of other things. But I'm hopeful and optimistic that it can be done. Learning is really fun if you find a way to do it outside of being told how, and I think the kid's starting to see that.
Yes, there's more effort needed on both my part and his. And this isn't "official" school in the formal sense of the word. But he's learning, nonetheless. He's starting to get the right idea of how this has to happen.
Deep breath, holding thumbs - and let's see where it goes.
::update::
Funny how just when you think it's working... Seems I have more work ahead of me than I'd hoped.
Make a plan
Eskom and the power cuts are still the MAIN topic of discussion in South Africa, all over the place. Someone here turned up late to work yesterday and was told by the boss to "just blame a blackout - everyone else does!" :-)
Listening to talk radio on the commute, it struck me again what a resourceful bunch we as South Africans are. Or perhaps just Africans in general?
Yes, we're all moaning and complaining at the Eskom stuff-ups. There's plenty of blame being thrown around like so much crud, but in the face of it the resourceful spirit of us Africans is coming to the fore. Conversations are switching from "I can't function!" to " Stuff the authorities - what can I do about this myself?". Solar and wind power are big on the conversational agenda, the merits of inverters and batteries are discussed in-depth, and some guys are coming up with fascinating solutions to either decrease their power consumption or go independent of Eskom.
I like it. I like how we as a nation (or a continent) can take a problem and turn it into an innovation. How we come up with unique solutions for every-man, ones that work in our environment, for our cultures, for our requirements - and sometimes for the entire planet.
So yes, Eskom is being highly irritating and costing the country in ways we probably haven't even realized.
But I suspect this is just one massive opportunity for the entrepreneurial spirits, the clever minds, the find-the-gap thinkers to shine. Who knows - out of this crisis could come something totally amazing, something world-changing.
Listening to talk radio on the commute, it struck me again what a resourceful bunch we as South Africans are. Or perhaps just Africans in general?
Yes, we're all moaning and complaining at the Eskom stuff-ups. There's plenty of blame being thrown around like so much crud, but in the face of it the resourceful spirit of us Africans is coming to the fore. Conversations are switching from "I can't function!" to " Stuff the authorities - what can I do about this myself?". Solar and wind power are big on the conversational agenda, the merits of inverters and batteries are discussed in-depth, and some guys are coming up with fascinating solutions to either decrease their power consumption or go independent of Eskom.
I like it. I like how we as a nation (or a continent) can take a problem and turn it into an innovation. How we come up with unique solutions for every-man, ones that work in our environment, for our cultures, for our requirements - and sometimes for the entire planet.
So yes, Eskom is being highly irritating and costing the country in ways we probably haven't even realized.
But I suspect this is just one massive opportunity for the entrepreneurial spirits, the clever minds, the find-the-gap thinkers to shine. Who knows - out of this crisis could come something totally amazing, something world-changing.
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Heath Ledger..
...was one of the few actors I thought cool (and rather cute). Bit of a shock this morning to hear he's dead at 28. I can't help think of how his 2-year old daughter's going to be affected.
Traffic(non)Synergy
You may have noticed a slight increase in "billboard activity" on this blog in recent months. Running a classic Land Rover isn't the cheapest of activities (especially if you want to commute over the base of a mountain in it every day), and I've been trying to add a few cents to the coffers by way of pay-per-click advertising. The "Donate" option at right (moneybookers) hasn't panned out particularly well, so I've been trying a few other things.
Above this post is a relatively-new advertising block, "sponsored" by TrafficSynergy. You may notice that it's devoid of ads...
A week ago, while looking for a pay-per-click provider, I came across this company/website. They seemed to have an easy enough system, paid in my local currency, so I thought I'd give them a go.
I've had well over 200,000 hits on my blog thus far (yes, I'm a relative small-fry, but that's still quite the number) - and the pace has picked up recently in hits-per-day. Many of those visitors clicked on the TrafficSynergy ads once I'd finally found how to position them correctly, and within the space of a few days I'd built up revenue of just over R100.
Until the ads suddenly disappeared and I could no longer access my account. I assumed the site was down (it was a weekend - and their offices are based in an industrial area in Cape Town, perhaps no-one was home?), so shot off an email to them asking if there was a site problem. Only to receive a response claiming my account had been "flagged for fraud", thus was inaccessible. Days later, they have not restored it in spite of numerous emails to them. They state that they can terminate or refuse to pay at their discretion. Which means that no matter how many clicks I send their way, no matter how many of their advertisers they charge for clicks generated from MY visitors, they simply won't honour the pay-out if they don't feel like it.
And that seems to be the case at the moment.
So here's a question for you. Are there any honest pay-per-click affiliate programmes out there that I can replace them with?
Above this post is a relatively-new advertising block, "sponsored" by TrafficSynergy. You may notice that it's devoid of ads...
A week ago, while looking for a pay-per-click provider, I came across this company/website. They seemed to have an easy enough system, paid in my local currency, so I thought I'd give them a go.
I've had well over 200,000 hits on my blog thus far (yes, I'm a relative small-fry, but that's still quite the number) - and the pace has picked up recently in hits-per-day. Many of those visitors clicked on the TrafficSynergy ads once I'd finally found how to position them correctly, and within the space of a few days I'd built up revenue of just over R100.
Until the ads suddenly disappeared and I could no longer access my account. I assumed the site was down (it was a weekend - and their offices are based in an industrial area in Cape Town, perhaps no-one was home?), so shot off an email to them asking if there was a site problem. Only to receive a response claiming my account had been "flagged for fraud", thus was inaccessible. Days later, they have not restored it in spite of numerous emails to them. They state that they can terminate or refuse to pay at their discretion. Which means that no matter how many clicks I send their way, no matter how many of their advertisers they charge for clicks generated from MY visitors, they simply won't honour the pay-out if they don't feel like it.
And that seems to be the case at the moment.
So here's a question for you. Are there any honest pay-per-click affiliate programmes out there that I can replace them with?
Vroom
My next car will be one of these. Or at least it's on my wish list!
YES it's a car, and YES it's street-legal. See it in action here. See it just standing around looking good below :-)
Best thing of all? You can actually build the damn thing yourself. It comes in a mix-and-match kit - and with all the trimmings is a mere US$113,0000. Or at least that's the tally once I'd finished adding features.
So yup, the perfect commute-mobile found. And nope, haven't forgotten my first love - Landies. This one's just really, really zippy and horribly cool.
(hmmm... looking at those components, I'm wondering how much of them I can source/make myself...)
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YES it's a car, and YES it's street-legal. See it in action here. See it just standing around looking good below :-)
Best thing of all? You can actually build the damn thing yourself. It comes in a mix-and-match kit - and with all the trimmings is a mere US$113,0000. Or at least that's the tally once I'd finished adding features.
So yup, the perfect commute-mobile found. And nope, haven't forgotten my first love - Landies. This one's just really, really zippy and horribly cool.
(hmmm... looking at those components, I'm wondering how much of them I can source/make myself...)
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Enough
(this has been hanging around in Drafts for a while being tweaked / threatened with deletion ... I guess it's time it got up the courage to see daylight)
While doing a shop-dash one evening recently, I ran into someone I haven't seen in 3 years. Their first comment was "Wow, you're looking fantastic! You've lost so much weight". And I know I have - I've been told so by family members and friends, I can see it in the mirror. I can both feel and see bone and sinew on my arms and legs instead of merely padding. I can feel ribs, spine, shoulder blades and muscle. All my clothes are dropping off me - not one thing fits anymore.
Yet sometimes I don't feel like it's enough, like it will ever be enough, no matter how much thinner and firmer I get - and I do still have a ways to go.
I've had an interest in nude photography for ages, I love the form of the human body and the possibilities of what one can capture on film, so I tend to do a lot of scrolling through galleries like this and this (obviously NSFW) for inspiration - examining what others have done in the hope that perhaps one day I can achieve something spectacular from behind my lens (if I can find someone willing to strip of course!).
But there are days where I simply can't look at those female forms, where after scrolling through only a few I have to close the page and go away before I get horrifically sad - sometimes it's too late, and I already am. It hurts to look at them.
I'm past the use-by date for lithe, for young, for dewey-skinned. I will never be statuesque or long-legged, I'll never be fantastically voluptuous in all the right places. I'll never attain model-like beauty, nor be the one who turns heads in the street, the mind-boggling stunner who drives hormones through the roof - that's just a fact of life. I've reached the age where grey hair is overtaking the blonde, where gravity has control of anything not tied up permanently, where life has left it's indelible mark. Seeing perfection on a computer screen (no matter how photoshopped, no matter how young or well-lit) sometimes sends me into a spiral of discouragement.
It's worse on days where other worries weigh me down. Where I'm already fighting stress or fatigue. It becomes the one more straw that can make me feel completely defeated.
And yet Favourite Man tells me I'm beautiful - and hell, he's seen me at my worst, first thing in the morning, or covered in dirt and grime, or sick as a dog. Perhaps I do still have my redeeming factors, even if sometimes I simply can't see them. Or perhaps love truly is blind? :-)
I admit it - it's an ongoing battle for me to see my own lovliness in the face of these images, to acknowledge that perhaps I'm not haglike after all - even if I'm not Them. I've never considered myself as anything spectacular, and years of being dismissed as a second-class human (mere female in a male-dominated world...) have left their residue that I still find myself fighting now and then.
But I also know I'm getting there, bit by bit. Yes, I hit days where I compare myself to everything that pops up on the screen and come away lacking. There are days I just want to hide away and cry.
Yet there are other days where my confidence in who I am as a unique Woman, as ME (warts and all), kicks in and maybe, just maybe, that trumps a lack of outer perfection.
Beauty, after all, fades and sags eventually.
While doing a shop-dash one evening recently, I ran into someone I haven't seen in 3 years. Their first comment was "Wow, you're looking fantastic! You've lost so much weight". And I know I have - I've been told so by family members and friends, I can see it in the mirror. I can both feel and see bone and sinew on my arms and legs instead of merely padding. I can feel ribs, spine, shoulder blades and muscle. All my clothes are dropping off me - not one thing fits anymore.
Yet sometimes I don't feel like it's enough, like it will ever be enough, no matter how much thinner and firmer I get - and I do still have a ways to go.
I've had an interest in nude photography for ages, I love the form of the human body and the possibilities of what one can capture on film, so I tend to do a lot of scrolling through galleries like this and this (obviously NSFW) for inspiration - examining what others have done in the hope that perhaps one day I can achieve something spectacular from behind my lens (if I can find someone willing to strip of course!).
But there are days where I simply can't look at those female forms, where after scrolling through only a few I have to close the page and go away before I get horrifically sad - sometimes it's too late, and I already am. It hurts to look at them.
I'm past the use-by date for lithe, for young, for dewey-skinned. I will never be statuesque or long-legged, I'll never be fantastically voluptuous in all the right places. I'll never attain model-like beauty, nor be the one who turns heads in the street, the mind-boggling stunner who drives hormones through the roof - that's just a fact of life. I've reached the age where grey hair is overtaking the blonde, where gravity has control of anything not tied up permanently, where life has left it's indelible mark. Seeing perfection on a computer screen (no matter how photoshopped, no matter how young or well-lit) sometimes sends me into a spiral of discouragement.
It's worse on days where other worries weigh me down. Where I'm already fighting stress or fatigue. It becomes the one more straw that can make me feel completely defeated.
And yet Favourite Man tells me I'm beautiful - and hell, he's seen me at my worst, first thing in the morning, or covered in dirt and grime, or sick as a dog. Perhaps I do still have my redeeming factors, even if sometimes I simply can't see them. Or perhaps love truly is blind? :-)
I admit it - it's an ongoing battle for me to see my own lovliness in the face of these images, to acknowledge that perhaps I'm not haglike after all - even if I'm not Them. I've never considered myself as anything spectacular, and years of being dismissed as a second-class human (mere female in a male-dominated world...) have left their residue that I still find myself fighting now and then.
But I also know I'm getting there, bit by bit. Yes, I hit days where I compare myself to everything that pops up on the screen and come away lacking. There are days I just want to hide away and cry.
Yet there are other days where my confidence in who I am as a unique Woman, as ME (warts and all), kicks in and maybe, just maybe, that trumps a lack of outer perfection.
Beauty, after all, fades and sags eventually.
I've got the Power!
And I must be one of the few in South Africa who does. Load-shedding by our sole supplier Eskom is rampant, and a general bitch-and-moan can be heard country-wide. It's all over the news, it's all over the radio, and it's the subject of every single conversation.
"Seeking a suburb with power" has become a national pasttime as folk attempt to take a client out for coffee or source a restaurant meal. Others simply eat gas-cooked fare by candlelight. Some are getting creative - the braai & starlight option has seen more than one rediscover the joy of no electronic distractions and time with family.
We've been lucky so far (touch wood - that is a non-conductor after all) - at home we've had no outages yet, and at the office the few brief blackouts are soon over when the massive generator in the basement kicks in. The only inconvenience has been traffic lights asleep and backing up traffic.
But this is a bad one. We've already got horrific food, drink and fuel increases, and the lack of power is adding to the problem. Businesses are losing cash daily as everything goes down and out without warning for hours on end.
And it's not a simply story, this one.
For one thing, Eskom's supplying our neighbouring countries with power - at our expense. And then there's the "fighting crime" aspect: some folk have taken to leaving their lights on day and night - why? So that cable theft is discouraged. If the line's in use, it's not going to get tampered with. But this chews up juice, adds to the load, and then we all get shed - and the criminals move in. Dig up the lines, take advantage of off security systems, you name it.
It's all a little ridiculous. And frightening. There's not a heck of a lot the Common Man can do about it.
Yet there's hope - of a sort. A few years ago Eskom started to look into wind power, and now it seems they may finally utilize it. Of course the fact that they've blocked anyone else from trying to put up a wind farm is just a moot point. This is a monopoly, after all.
Then there are the locals who are simply doing their own thing. Unfortunately, unlike other countries, South Africans can't re-supply the local grid with excess power - it's illegal.
But we do have loads of wind. Just ask Favourite Man, who has been trying to weld in the face of it for two days now.
There's generators as an option, of course - which many companies are now resorting to in desperation as their profits crumble.
There's solar too - and that's on the rise as innovations bring the cost of units down. I've always maintained that those farmers who complain of endless years of drought should start farming in sunshine, seeing they have too much of it - simply cover the farm in solar panels and generate power for the rest of us instead of trying to irrigate in the face of a losing battle.
There again - monopoly rules, and who knows how much red tape that particular scheme would encounter before some government fat-cat squeezes the farmer out and lives off the profits himself.
So what to do? At the moment, not a whole lot. Just deal with it, face the blackouts with a best-foot-forward (don't stub it in the dark) and wonder why we haven't overthrown the government that apologized for letting us down, but can't seem to do much more than talk about it.
"Seeking a suburb with power" has become a national pasttime as folk attempt to take a client out for coffee or source a restaurant meal. Others simply eat gas-cooked fare by candlelight. Some are getting creative - the braai & starlight option has seen more than one rediscover the joy of no electronic distractions and time with family.
We've been lucky so far (touch wood - that is a non-conductor after all) - at home we've had no outages yet, and at the office the few brief blackouts are soon over when the massive generator in the basement kicks in. The only inconvenience has been traffic lights asleep and backing up traffic.
But this is a bad one. We've already got horrific food, drink and fuel increases, and the lack of power is adding to the problem. Businesses are losing cash daily as everything goes down and out without warning for hours on end.
And it's not a simply story, this one.
For one thing, Eskom's supplying our neighbouring countries with power - at our expense. And then there's the "fighting crime" aspect: some folk have taken to leaving their lights on day and night - why? So that cable theft is discouraged. If the line's in use, it's not going to get tampered with. But this chews up juice, adds to the load, and then we all get shed - and the criminals move in. Dig up the lines, take advantage of off security systems, you name it.
It's all a little ridiculous. And frightening. There's not a heck of a lot the Common Man can do about it.
Yet there's hope - of a sort. A few years ago Eskom started to look into wind power, and now it seems they may finally utilize it. Of course the fact that they've blocked anyone else from trying to put up a wind farm is just a moot point. This is a monopoly, after all.
Then there are the locals who are simply doing their own thing. Unfortunately, unlike other countries, South Africans can't re-supply the local grid with excess power - it's illegal.
But we do have loads of wind. Just ask Favourite Man, who has been trying to weld in the face of it for two days now.
There's generators as an option, of course - which many companies are now resorting to in desperation as their profits crumble.
There's solar too - and that's on the rise as innovations bring the cost of units down. I've always maintained that those farmers who complain of endless years of drought should start farming in sunshine, seeing they have too much of it - simply cover the farm in solar panels and generate power for the rest of us instead of trying to irrigate in the face of a losing battle.
There again - monopoly rules, and who knows how much red tape that particular scheme would encounter before some government fat-cat squeezes the farmer out and lives off the profits himself.
So what to do? At the moment, not a whole lot. Just deal with it, face the blackouts with a best-foot-forward (don't stub it in the dark) and wonder why we haven't overthrown the government that apologized for letting us down, but can't seem to do much more than talk about it.
Prep
You know this whole messy, unpleasant business?
FORGET IT!
Take it on good authority that Prep is the best!!!
When my dad moved to Australia, it was the one product we knew to include in every package we sent him from home. It's to be found in most South African's cupboards, as an anti-sting cream (sunburn, mozzie bites...) as well as a shaving cream. It's used by men great and small, rich and poor.
And now it's used by me - that stuff WORKS.
And that's all I'm going to say about it. :-)
Talking of hope...
... if I can get through this next week (and I know I can), I'll be well on my way to fulfilling a couple of very big dreams.
There's some serious background work going on, some conniving and scheming and hard slog. There's going to be even more required soon too! But the end result is going to be fantastic, exactly what I've wished for for ages.
It's just going to take a lot of initial time and effort...
There's some serious background work going on, some conniving and scheming and hard slog. There's going to be even more required soon too! But the end result is going to be fantastic, exactly what I've wished for for ages.
It's just going to take a lot of initial time and effort...
Pick your Battles
I'm tired of fighting multiple fires all at once. It's oh-so-easy to be overwhelmed if you allow yourself to worry about every little thing. And unfortunately I've fallen into that recently, wearing myself out in the process.
The thing is this: I've added to my stress by worrying about the unnecessary, by spending my time and attention on things I really should be paying no attention to. Things that shouldn't be an issue in the first place! And that's very very draining of mental and physical power.
So I've decided to pick my battles. I'm not going to give a thought to things that don't exist. I'm only going to deal with the very important, essential stuff. The things that require action on my part, not the things I have no control over.
Yes, some of them are simply habit-worries, niggling thoughts that try to sneak up and bite me - if I let them take over, they take the whole hog! So they're out on their ears.
Others are more serious, and those are the things I'm turning my attention to.
One other thing - if you really sit down and think about it, some of the bigger worries are really not that huge after all. There is always hope, there is always a path, there is always a solution. Sometimes all it takes is stopping the worry-train and resting by the side of the tracks for a while. The answers pop up quicker than you can imagine.
The thing is this: I've added to my stress by worrying about the unnecessary, by spending my time and attention on things I really should be paying no attention to. Things that shouldn't be an issue in the first place! And that's very very draining of mental and physical power.
So I've decided to pick my battles. I'm not going to give a thought to things that don't exist. I'm only going to deal with the very important, essential stuff. The things that require action on my part, not the things I have no control over.
Yes, some of them are simply habit-worries, niggling thoughts that try to sneak up and bite me - if I let them take over, they take the whole hog! So they're out on their ears.
Others are more serious, and those are the things I'm turning my attention to.
One other thing - if you really sit down and think about it, some of the bigger worries are really not that huge after all. There is always hope, there is always a path, there is always a solution. Sometimes all it takes is stopping the worry-train and resting by the side of the tracks for a while. The answers pop up quicker than you can imagine.
Commute
The commute is killing me. Well, OK - not me as such, just my bank balance. There's a worldwide increase in the costs of what you throw in your tank lately, and it hits commuters hard.
I'm currently using Favourite Man's vehicle for the trek, as it uses 1/4 of the amount of fuel Olivia does (for the time being) - but that can't go on forever. So we've been looking at options, ones that are not as cool as a Series Landy, but are a whole lot more practical.
Gone around the circles of scooter / motorbike / Mini / Uno repeatedly.
And this morning it struck me that there's another one. Cheaper, kills two birds with one stone, but not as convenient.
A bicycle.
Yup, BICYCLE.
OK, so the commute is only 15km one way - but there are some serious uphills and downhills both ways. I see a multitude of cyclists every morning, those fit & tanned folk powering up the road while traffic goes zooming by.
So I was pondering the pro's and con's as I travelled this mornig.
Pro's:
* Cheap - can get a perfectly functional bike for under R1K.
* No petrol station stops required. Ever.
* Fresh air
* Exercise. Lots and lots of exercise. And for a chick like me who needs leg exercise (built as I am) that's a good thing.
Con's:
* No shower at work - dunno if a pre-office cloth-bath will cut it.
* Cycling clothes - do I leave work clothes here or tote them along every day?
* Ditto the laptop - it's heavy and it gets lugged home daily and back again
* And ditto that all-encompassing accessory - the handbag.
* Will have to get up really early to get here - and there's no quick dash home either. It's likely to take me an hour to get here for the first few months, given that I last rode a bike in my teens. It's equally likely I'll have to walk some of those hills instead of ride them, huffing and puffing the bike upwards.
* Pollution. I hated walking with cars zipping by and spraying me with exhaust fumes. Even worse in commuter traffic.
* The HILLS. Oh, those hills....
* Winter
But I'm thinking. It could be an option, if I can just get up the guts to do it.
I'm currently using Favourite Man's vehicle for the trek, as it uses 1/4 of the amount of fuel Olivia does (for the time being) - but that can't go on forever. So we've been looking at options, ones that are not as cool as a Series Landy, but are a whole lot more practical.
Gone around the circles of scooter / motorbike / Mini / Uno repeatedly.
And this morning it struck me that there's another one. Cheaper, kills two birds with one stone, but not as convenient.
A bicycle.
Yup, BICYCLE.
OK, so the commute is only 15km one way - but there are some serious uphills and downhills both ways. I see a multitude of cyclists every morning, those fit & tanned folk powering up the road while traffic goes zooming by.
So I was pondering the pro's and con's as I travelled this mornig.
Pro's:
* Cheap - can get a perfectly functional bike for under R1K.
* No petrol station stops required. Ever.
* Fresh air
* Exercise. Lots and lots of exercise. And for a chick like me who needs leg exercise (built as I am) that's a good thing.
Con's:
* No shower at work - dunno if a pre-office cloth-bath will cut it.
* Cycling clothes - do I leave work clothes here or tote them along every day?
* Ditto the laptop - it's heavy and it gets lugged home daily and back again
* And ditto that all-encompassing accessory - the handbag.
* Will have to get up really early to get here - and there's no quick dash home either. It's likely to take me an hour to get here for the first few months, given that I last rode a bike in my teens. It's equally likely I'll have to walk some of those hills instead of ride them, huffing and puffing the bike upwards.
* Pollution. I hated walking with cars zipping by and spraying me with exhaust fumes. Even worse in commuter traffic.
* The HILLS. Oh, those hills....
* Winter
But I'm thinking. It could be an option, if I can just get up the guts to do it.
Reserve
It's all good and well running on mental adrenalin, having a brain that's pushing you forward at a rate of knots... but not if the body can't keep up.
I'm heading toward that knife-edge teetering again. I can feel it coming. I reached a point last year where I was a literal zombie, stumbling through the to-do list without absorbing a thing, pushing myself until I was ill every second week, constantly worn out and worn down. I cannot afford to reach that point again. Not now. Too much is required of me to collapse, emotionally, mentally or physically.
So I'm doing some very careful monitoring, constant checks to see whether I'm at the point of no return or not.
-------------------------
That was yesterday. I got so busy that this went into drafts and never got published. But by 10 last night I had reached that knife-edge and started slipping over it. I could no longer see what I was doing on the computer screen, my brain had gone into slush-mode and the rest of me was starting to collapse. Although I had by no means even started in on what I'd hoped to accomplish, it was time to step away and leave it well alone for the night.
Yes, I could have pushed myself. Yes, I could have carried on past midnight - but it wouldn't have been a good idea. I would have accomplished nothing useful, would only have ended up frustrated and snapping at those around me.
So the computer went off, a shower was had, and I was falling asleep by 11 - instead of 1.
This morning I feel better for it. I'm still tired, still got the bags under my eyes, but I didn't stumble out of bed and commute in a wish-I-were-asleep / maybe-I-still-am fog.
Today I'm putting in place a few disciplines and boundaries to ensure I don't collapse. It's all good and well getting things done, but not if you can't enjoy the end result nor carry on to the next task. And definitely not if the slog is all life becomes.
I'm heading toward that knife-edge teetering again. I can feel it coming. I reached a point last year where I was a literal zombie, stumbling through the to-do list without absorbing a thing, pushing myself until I was ill every second week, constantly worn out and worn down. I cannot afford to reach that point again. Not now. Too much is required of me to collapse, emotionally, mentally or physically.
So I'm doing some very careful monitoring, constant checks to see whether I'm at the point of no return or not.
-------------------------
That was yesterday. I got so busy that this went into drafts and never got published. But by 10 last night I had reached that knife-edge and started slipping over it. I could no longer see what I was doing on the computer screen, my brain had gone into slush-mode and the rest of me was starting to collapse. Although I had by no means even started in on what I'd hoped to accomplish, it was time to step away and leave it well alone for the night.
Yes, I could have pushed myself. Yes, I could have carried on past midnight - but it wouldn't have been a good idea. I would have accomplished nothing useful, would only have ended up frustrated and snapping at those around me.
So the computer went off, a shower was had, and I was falling asleep by 11 - instead of 1.
This morning I feel better for it. I'm still tired, still got the bags under my eyes, but I didn't stumble out of bed and commute in a wish-I-were-asleep / maybe-I-still-am fog.
Today I'm putting in place a few disciplines and boundaries to ensure I don't collapse. It's all good and well getting things done, but not if you can't enjoy the end result nor carry on to the next task. And definitely not if the slog is all life becomes.
Combust
I have this horrible feeling my brain may explode today.
I've been delving deep into some fascinating stuff on a very steep learning curve - the kind of learning curve that makes you just want to keep going and going, that has you lying awake way after midnight with eyes that won't close and a mind that won't go to sleep, though your body's given out hours ago. The kind that keeps leaping from one idea to another, going further and faster and harder and quicker until you're not sure how you're still managing to run on mental adrenalin alone!
It's got me forgetting lunch, not noticing hours flip by, and ignoring the call of nature until I have to do a sprint to fulfil it (yeah, way too much information!).
The thing is this. There's so much out there to learn. There's always something cool and new and better and more fascinating that my head wants to twist itself around. I've been getting my fingers into code again, I've been stretching my (blonde) mind to figure out stuff I've never tackled before. Of course having to do all this under the watchful eye of an expert in the field is pushing me even more.. ;-)
But this is the headspace I love to work in. The one that's like a giant sponge, soaking up information and knowlege, spewing it out again in just the right way, figuring out complex issues and finding solutions to baffling problems. It's what motivates me, energizes me, keeps me at it - simply because I enjoy it so much.
Bags under eyes notwithstanding.
I've been delving deep into some fascinating stuff on a very steep learning curve - the kind of learning curve that makes you just want to keep going and going, that has you lying awake way after midnight with eyes that won't close and a mind that won't go to sleep, though your body's given out hours ago. The kind that keeps leaping from one idea to another, going further and faster and harder and quicker until you're not sure how you're still managing to run on mental adrenalin alone!
It's got me forgetting lunch, not noticing hours flip by, and ignoring the call of nature until I have to do a sprint to fulfil it (yeah, way too much information!).
The thing is this. There's so much out there to learn. There's always something cool and new and better and more fascinating that my head wants to twist itself around. I've been getting my fingers into code again, I've been stretching my (blonde) mind to figure out stuff I've never tackled before. Of course having to do all this under the watchful eye of an expert in the field is pushing me even more.. ;-)
But this is the headspace I love to work in. The one that's like a giant sponge, soaking up information and knowlege, spewing it out again in just the right way, figuring out complex issues and finding solutions to baffling problems. It's what motivates me, energizes me, keeps me at it - simply because I enjoy it so much.
Bags under eyes notwithstanding.
The High and Mighty
I'm no political analyist. I take very little interest in the in's and out's of politicians or their doings bar noting their latest actions as a scroll through news headlines. (Exception to the rule, Oom Bob from up north) Perhaps I have my head in the sand - after all these blokes do run the country, and what they do affects everyone.
Take Jacob Zuma for instance. He's in the news a lot lately, and for good (well - perhaps not good as such) reason. His personal life is currently affecting the economy - corruption charges and a pending trial are having a negative knock-on effect all over the place, and his recent election to ANC president made markets get a wobbly too.
On the way to work this morning I was listening to a back-and-forth on the radio about Zuma, the ANC and various aspects of internal elections in the party that will affect us all.
As ANC president it's quite probable he'll end up Lord and Master over South Africa (ie President) in the next presidential election. Which, quite frankly, is a scary thought. Why? Because of the general trend in personality that seems to be his lot.
He has been taken to court over fraud, corruption, rape. He has seemed extremely clueless at times - take his "I showered after sex to prevent HIV infection" statement during the rape trial. He was fired from the position of Vice-President of the country. He was married to and divorced the current Ministor for Foreign Affairs. This weekend he took a 4th wife - an ANC activist of youthful years with whom he already has 2 children. He apparently has 18 children - at least one the result of an affair (though "affair" here should be very loosely used based on the trend). I have yet to hear anything substantial being said by him regarding how he plans to sort out any one of the million issues facing both his party and the country - other than a call for unity, when it was his actions that caused the most division. No-one seems to know exactly what his policy on anything will be or is, as he's been rather vague. He's supposed to give a "state of the party" address tomorrow - contents yet unknown.
And then there's the "bring me my machine gun" song - not exactly a peace-inducing tune.
What amazes me is that he seems to have garnered more support through his "sins" than if he'd been a mild, quiet-diplomacy type (though our current mildly-quiet diplomatic president has his support base too - by default). In stirring the pot he's both polarized and mobilized people - one way or the other. He's got more vehement and loyal supporters now than he had before this public drama started. And those supporters seemlingly see absolutely nothing wrong with any of his actions. They're backing him all the way to the top. Some are saying "it's culture" - that all he's done is perfectly acceptable within cultural norms. Perhaps I don't know enough about his culture?
But it's worrying, from my small and unprofessional perspective. If a leader can get away with so much that seems so wrong, can still be seen as a role model for youth and women in spite of everything he's done and continues to do - where will this country end up? Will the young see that there are no real consequences for their actions, based on what's happened to their hero and leader? Will they do this, and more, themselves? Will it simply be a downward spiral from then on out?
Or will he prove me wrong, step up to the plate and become the kind of leader we need?
Frankly, I don't hold out much hope. But then again, what do I know.
Take Jacob Zuma for instance. He's in the news a lot lately, and for good (well - perhaps not good as such) reason. His personal life is currently affecting the economy - corruption charges and a pending trial are having a negative knock-on effect all over the place, and his recent election to ANC president made markets get a wobbly too.
On the way to work this morning I was listening to a back-and-forth on the radio about Zuma, the ANC and various aspects of internal elections in the party that will affect us all.
As ANC president it's quite probable he'll end up Lord and Master over South Africa (ie President) in the next presidential election. Which, quite frankly, is a scary thought. Why? Because of the general trend in personality that seems to be his lot.
He has been taken to court over fraud, corruption, rape. He has seemed extremely clueless at times - take his "I showered after sex to prevent HIV infection" statement during the rape trial. He was fired from the position of Vice-President of the country. He was married to and divorced the current Ministor for Foreign Affairs. This weekend he took a 4th wife - an ANC activist of youthful years with whom he already has 2 children. He apparently has 18 children - at least one the result of an affair (though "affair" here should be very loosely used based on the trend). I have yet to hear anything substantial being said by him regarding how he plans to sort out any one of the million issues facing both his party and the country - other than a call for unity, when it was his actions that caused the most division. No-one seems to know exactly what his policy on anything will be or is, as he's been rather vague. He's supposed to give a "state of the party" address tomorrow - contents yet unknown.
And then there's the "bring me my machine gun" song - not exactly a peace-inducing tune.
What amazes me is that he seems to have garnered more support through his "sins" than if he'd been a mild, quiet-diplomacy type (though our current mildly-quiet diplomatic president has his support base too - by default). In stirring the pot he's both polarized and mobilized people - one way or the other. He's got more vehement and loyal supporters now than he had before this public drama started. And those supporters seemlingly see absolutely nothing wrong with any of his actions. They're backing him all the way to the top. Some are saying "it's culture" - that all he's done is perfectly acceptable within cultural norms. Perhaps I don't know enough about his culture?
But it's worrying, from my small and unprofessional perspective. If a leader can get away with so much that seems so wrong, can still be seen as a role model for youth and women in spite of everything he's done and continues to do - where will this country end up? Will the young see that there are no real consequences for their actions, based on what's happened to their hero and leader? Will they do this, and more, themselves? Will it simply be a downward spiral from then on out?
Or will he prove me wrong, step up to the plate and become the kind of leader we need?
Frankly, I don't hold out much hope. But then again, what do I know.
Sorted
I'm on a mission lately - a mission to get a lot of things sorted out. I don't know if it's a caffiene high or just the drive to get it all right, but I've been hard at it - if not physically, then mentally - for the last few days. A week ago I felt like I didn't have enough fingers to keep tabs on everything, that it was all spiralling out of control. Today I do. More than - I'm powering through stuff that's been put off or neglected at a rate!
The thing is this. I function better if I'm organized. If I'm surrounded by chaos I sink into helplessness. Call me a control freak if you will (albeit a closet one), but I need to have direction and a plan, to have things sorted or in the process of being sorted in order to get through the day optimally.
Yes, I like the odd (good) surprise, but I do better when I know what's up next and where I'm headed. Which of course turns me into a bit of a nit-picking ahead-planner, at least in my mind. I tend to examine all the angles well ahead of something actually taking place, and often plan everything around the "best of" scenario I come up with. Whether it actually happens or not.
There's also the need I feel to be ready for whatever life throws my direction - not to have to scramble through loose ends at the last moment when instead singluar focus is required.
So today I'm getting sorted. Everything's going into its place. The background work is being done to set up success on so many levels. The to-do list is diminishing (though also being added to). I'm tackling head-on some sticky issues that can no longer wait. So far, so very good.
--------------
On a related note, I've been at my current employer for just over 9 months now. My previous office was all mine - and I literally moved in. My photos and pictures on the walls, my stuff filling the drawers and filing cabinet and cupboard, my vase with my flowers from home on the desk. It took a carload to move out when I left.
Here, it looks like I've just arrived. There's a custom-made Olivia The Landy calendar up (small size), a small photo of the son and another of Favourite Man, my water bottle and a mouse pad - but that's all the personalization that's taken place. Occasionally my own mug is next to the water bottle at coffee-time. My desktop wallpaper gets a daily change. But instead of a desk strewn with papers, stacking files, paperclip holders etc, all I have is the notebook and pen out. I'm still functioning on merely that one pen and one notebook as far as stationery goes. Matter of fact, this is only the second pen I've used in 9 months - the first one was what I happened to have on me, as there was nothing available when I arrived.
My drawers are empty of all but the essentials - only currently-in-use paperwork, one set of headphones brought from home (rarely used), a box of tissues, a small stack of paper that's cut up to note-taking size from old photocopies. When I arrive each morning my bag and laptop carrier go into the (otherwise empty) cupboard.
I don't know why I haven't "moved in" and customized my corner (although I have a theory or two), but I do know this - it makes it a lot easier to keep things organized!
The thing is this. I function better if I'm organized. If I'm surrounded by chaos I sink into helplessness. Call me a control freak if you will (albeit a closet one), but I need to have direction and a plan, to have things sorted or in the process of being sorted in order to get through the day optimally.
Yes, I like the odd (good) surprise, but I do better when I know what's up next and where I'm headed. Which of course turns me into a bit of a nit-picking ahead-planner, at least in my mind. I tend to examine all the angles well ahead of something actually taking place, and often plan everything around the "best of" scenario I come up with. Whether it actually happens or not.
There's also the need I feel to be ready for whatever life throws my direction - not to have to scramble through loose ends at the last moment when instead singluar focus is required.
So today I'm getting sorted. Everything's going into its place. The background work is being done to set up success on so many levels. The to-do list is diminishing (though also being added to). I'm tackling head-on some sticky issues that can no longer wait. So far, so very good.
--------------
On a related note, I've been at my current employer for just over 9 months now. My previous office was all mine - and I literally moved in. My photos and pictures on the walls, my stuff filling the drawers and filing cabinet and cupboard, my vase with my flowers from home on the desk. It took a carload to move out when I left.
Here, it looks like I've just arrived. There's a custom-made Olivia The Landy calendar up (small size), a small photo of the son and another of Favourite Man, my water bottle and a mouse pad - but that's all the personalization that's taken place. Occasionally my own mug is next to the water bottle at coffee-time. My desktop wallpaper gets a daily change. But instead of a desk strewn with papers, stacking files, paperclip holders etc, all I have is the notebook and pen out. I'm still functioning on merely that one pen and one notebook as far as stationery goes. Matter of fact, this is only the second pen I've used in 9 months - the first one was what I happened to have on me, as there was nothing available when I arrived.
My drawers are empty of all but the essentials - only currently-in-use paperwork, one set of headphones brought from home (rarely used), a box of tissues, a small stack of paper that's cut up to note-taking size from old photocopies. When I arrive each morning my bag and laptop carrier go into the (otherwise empty) cupboard.
I don't know why I haven't "moved in" and customized my corner (although I have a theory or two), but I do know this - it makes it a lot easier to keep things organized!
Lotto
Here's a bit of a follow-on from the last post.
"What would you do if you won a couple million in the lotto?"
It's a popular water-cooler topic, that one. Favourite Man asked me this a few weeks ago and, being the tongue-tied type, I couldn't come up with an immediate response! My brain was throwing images at me at a rate, but my mouth wouldn't open to express them. Classic blonde syndrome.
But I did give it some thought - and I know precisely what I'd do. None of that "tell the boss to go to hell, then go on a spending spree" stuff for me. Well - not exactly like that, at least.
It's more a case of lotto winnings being a "buffer zone" to enable dream fulfillment. Without the need to scramble to cover daily expenses constantly, I'd have the time and the means to explore things that fascinate me, do things that interest me, experiment and dabble in passions I simply don't have the time or the cash for right now.
Yes, travel is on the list. Spending months learning a new skill without having to fit it into after-hours is there. Business start-ups and expansion (using all those latent ideas bouncing around the head) get a mention. Writing the book, painting that artwork, crafting a space I enjoy without doing it in a rush, they're in there too.
See, not your average stuff!
And yet, looking at my list - both written down and not - I have to wonder. Surely I can do all that without winning the lotto? Yup, I think so! And working toward those dreams (in spite of the day job and accompanying available time restrictions) is something I'm thinking very seriously about today. Sure, it will take effort, planning, and there will be no "buffer zone" to relax in, but it's most certainly achieveable.
Who needs the lotto anyway! :-)
"What would you do if you won a couple million in the lotto?"
It's a popular water-cooler topic, that one. Favourite Man asked me this a few weeks ago and, being the tongue-tied type, I couldn't come up with an immediate response! My brain was throwing images at me at a rate, but my mouth wouldn't open to express them. Classic blonde syndrome.
But I did give it some thought - and I know precisely what I'd do. None of that "tell the boss to go to hell, then go on a spending spree" stuff for me. Well - not exactly like that, at least.
It's more a case of lotto winnings being a "buffer zone" to enable dream fulfillment. Without the need to scramble to cover daily expenses constantly, I'd have the time and the means to explore things that fascinate me, do things that interest me, experiment and dabble in passions I simply don't have the time or the cash for right now.
Yes, travel is on the list. Spending months learning a new skill without having to fit it into after-hours is there. Business start-ups and expansion (using all those latent ideas bouncing around the head) get a mention. Writing the book, painting that artwork, crafting a space I enjoy without doing it in a rush, they're in there too.
See, not your average stuff!
And yet, looking at my list - both written down and not - I have to wonder. Surely I can do all that without winning the lotto? Yup, I think so! And working toward those dreams (in spite of the day job and accompanying available time restrictions) is something I'm thinking very seriously about today. Sure, it will take effort, planning, and there will be no "buffer zone" to relax in, but it's most certainly achieveable.
Who needs the lotto anyway! :-)
Hits the Fan
Mere days into the new year and already the K&D has started.
I'm back at work, stressed out within minutes (for nearly no reason), back to old habits it seems. But it's not just that. There's so much that seems to be slipping out of control, all round. Those good ideas you have, the resolutions and determination to change things, the thought that things will be better come 2008? - sometimes outside influence beyond your control simply sweeps it away like beachsand in the south-easter.
I hate to start a new year with a sense of dread instead of hope. I'm trying not to let the seemingly-insurmountable drag me down, I'm trying to find ways forward for all of us, yet it's like running in treacle. Simply not enough momentum before the next thing hits you broadside.
Like a notice just received that my rent's going up by double the inflation rate soon... But hey, I guess these things happen. I just wish it wasn't piled on top of increases in food, petrol/diesel (yet one must commute to be paid), electricity - and no real salary jump (not enough to cover the rent increase, at least).
There are moments where I wonder how we'll survive things like this. Where I feel weighed down, no way out. Those random panic attacks strike when you least need them, that leave you shaken and scared. The ones that try to convince you you'll never achieve your dreams, that you'll be stuck stomping out fires on the very edge of disaster forever.
And yet...
There is always hope. There is always a path out - as obscured as it seems at times. And if you let it, there's a chance to gain strength, courage and determination to battle down the rising forces that threaten to overwhelm you. A gentle voice that reminds you of love, of bliss, of the important things in life.
I don't yet know how to face some of the challenges of 2008. I have no clue how to overcome some of those mountains. Yet I'm holding fast to the hope with all I have. Revelling in joy and beauty. The company of those I love. Knowledge that the future is a good one.
It may not solve the immediate challenges, but it's the deep breath I need to tackle them head-on. And (being a practical chick) I'm handling one thing at a time.
I've concluded that right now I simply need to put in a whole lot more effort - whatever it takes. Quit chucking the incomplete to-do list each day (get organized, work harder, ask for help), quit the mental-holiday day-dream time-wasters (use any spare moment productively), quit adding things to my Reader and doing non-essential tasks (time-wasters!), quit putting off implementation of ideas & plans... and just do it.
Immediate sacrifice for long-term pleasure - complete focus now for success in the future. That's all there is to it.
I'm back at work, stressed out within minutes (for nearly no reason), back to old habits it seems. But it's not just that. There's so much that seems to be slipping out of control, all round. Those good ideas you have, the resolutions and determination to change things, the thought that things will be better come 2008? - sometimes outside influence beyond your control simply sweeps it away like beachsand in the south-easter.
I hate to start a new year with a sense of dread instead of hope. I'm trying not to let the seemingly-insurmountable drag me down, I'm trying to find ways forward for all of us, yet it's like running in treacle. Simply not enough momentum before the next thing hits you broadside.
Like a notice just received that my rent's going up by double the inflation rate soon... But hey, I guess these things happen. I just wish it wasn't piled on top of increases in food, petrol/diesel (yet one must commute to be paid), electricity - and no real salary jump (not enough to cover the rent increase, at least).
There are moments where I wonder how we'll survive things like this. Where I feel weighed down, no way out. Those random panic attacks strike when you least need them, that leave you shaken and scared. The ones that try to convince you you'll never achieve your dreams, that you'll be stuck stomping out fires on the very edge of disaster forever.
And yet...
There is always hope. There is always a path out - as obscured as it seems at times. And if you let it, there's a chance to gain strength, courage and determination to battle down the rising forces that threaten to overwhelm you. A gentle voice that reminds you of love, of bliss, of the important things in life.
I don't yet know how to face some of the challenges of 2008. I have no clue how to overcome some of those mountains. Yet I'm holding fast to the hope with all I have. Revelling in joy and beauty. The company of those I love. Knowledge that the future is a good one.
It may not solve the immediate challenges, but it's the deep breath I need to tackle them head-on. And (being a practical chick) I'm handling one thing at a time.
I've concluded that right now I simply need to put in a whole lot more effort - whatever it takes. Quit chucking the incomplete to-do list each day (get organized, work harder, ask for help), quit the mental-holiday day-dream time-wasters (use any spare moment productively), quit adding things to my Reader and doing non-essential tasks (time-wasters!), quit putting off implementation of ideas & plans... and just do it.
Immediate sacrifice for long-term pleasure - complete focus now for success in the future. That's all there is to it.
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