Much and Little

I've noticed something lately with the kid. And it may be at the root of a lot of problems.

If I require little of him, I get less than little - I get nothing at all.

If I require much of him, he pulls finger and performs. (Usually - and sometimes he surprises us with top-notch work)

And therein lies the whole issue (for which I'm about to be judged big-time by anyone reading this...). I haven't required enough of him during his life. He hasn't had enough chores, enough discipline, enough regulation, responsibility and restriction to form a strong sense of self-purpose, self-control and self-management. I know he WANTS to do things, but he doesn't yet have the direction to know how to take initiative and do them un-asked.

OK, this may sound like so much hogwash and mumbo-jumbo, but bear with me as I philosophize a bit.

This morning I sent him a list of things to accomplish. He's doing them, with only one question as to how to do something. Yesterday I didn't - and he did nothing. His personality differs from mine quite a bit, and I need to bear that in mind as I try to raise him - he learns differently, he sees things differently, so it means an adjustment of my own view to see through his eyes and help him along. Which may mean that he deals more in lists than abstracts - and that I need to work out a daily list of to-do until he can work out his own.

So one of the solutions to the problems we're experiencing may simply be to require more of him, to ask him to stretch himself to new turf and put in effort.

Dunno - can only try. One step at a time.

Been there, done that

Just caught my uncle in the USA online for a quick chat and mentioned my son's homeschooling for next year. Guess what - he's the first family member that's said "great idea - go for it!" :-) And why? Because they homeschooled my cousins 10 years ago and it turned into a fantastic experience!

The boys didn't die. They didn't shrink and shrivel up into mere shells of humanity. In fact they thrived! They're both doing very very well.

So there's hope. There's courage to be drawn from those who have been there, done that. And the more I ponder what's in store, the more positive I am that it will work out - and work out well.

It's just the thought I need to go into the weekend with, while plotting and planning the route ahead.

What to do next

Quick update on the "firing" episode. I had a chat to the boss, and he felt my son was too young for the work environment, didn't have the physical strength required to do the heavy-lifting tasks they work with, and wasn't a good fit with the work they had available. Rather than fart around for a few weeks, he sent him home. So it really wasn't anything he "did" as such (didn't burn down the workplace, didn't crash anyone's computers) as much as he's not ready for it.

(He did, however, get very badly sunburnt waiting for Favourite Man to come home. He was locked out and didn't have the presence of mind to attempt a break-in or to find enough shade to sit in all day. He did go swimming - fully clothed - to cool off at one stage! :-) )

Which leaves me having to do some hard thinking as to what next.

You see, next year's homeschooling needs to involve apprenticeship-type work. The kid needs to get out into the big wide world and learn how to work with people who do jobs every day that he might be interested in trying himself later. He needs to up his social, physical and mental skills, learn how to motivate himself, how to follow through on hard jobs to the end, etc.

Except that at the moment all he really can do is sit on the computer and design stuff or do things online. He's good at cleaning when he puts his mind to it, he's good at helping when he focuses his attention sufficiently and doesn't give up. He's managed to both help and hinder in Olivia's restoration, depending on mood. But he's also cheeky and unrespectful of authority at times. He has little social skill, doesn't know how to relate to adults or those in authority well, often doesn't do or say the right thing, and thinks all that counts is his opinion. So I'm sitting with a dilemma on my hands as to what to do with him next.

He's not old enough to be officially employed - still a year and a half to go. I haven't got a lot of contacts in a variety of work fields yet - working on that. I'm still developing an official plan of action for the home-schooling / work-life experience options - which needs to have my full attention VERY soon. In the meantime the kid's lying around the house, sleeping in very late, playing his PS2 and sitting on Photoshop or the internet. Treading water, wasting time.

So what do I do? How do I creatively start him off on the next phase of his learning curve without another incident like we had this week?

Here's what I'd like to see:

* A shot at the great outdoors for his science/environment study. Perhaps volunteer work at the Nature Reserve nearby? Helping the Lourensford River preservation lot clean up the riverbanks fortnightly? A stint with local winemakers and olive growers to see how things are harvested, grown, processed and sold? A day spent with the 4x4 groups clearing a trail or restoring an area? Involvement with the Off-Road Rescue Unit?

* Some cultural training. Art school? Drama society? A volunteer stint at the local library?

* Academic. British system? ACE system? Unofficial draw-it-up-yourself system? Courses at local instutions or online? Maths club? Tutors? Add in some certifications like a first-aid course? Photography course?

* A bit of body-work/sport. Perhaps karate/judo lessons? (Pole-dancing? ;-) ) Joining up with SonSurf to help out and get into the grommet class? Joining me in getting back on the fitness track while at the same time spending time with his mom? Getting physical with Favourite Man and I doing metal work, wood work, and sorting out vehicles on a regular basis? Get him that wreck to restore by the time he turns 18?

* Computer stuff. Helping out an animator friend / watching and learning from him? Designing things for me and Favourite Man? A correspondence computer class to pick up new skills? A bit of basic programming work to learn how things happen, or perhaps website design? (I have instruction books for both Flash and Dreamweaver - with tutorial CDS)

* Social skills. Regular outings with new relatives and old friends? Regular "play dates"? "Rent a girlfriend"? :-) Volunteer work at the local old age home - with perhaps a project to document a few life stories - and submit them to the local paper (tick that off under "English studies" too)? Holiday kids-at-the-mall care or Spur kid-area supervision? Send him out on a mission to do research on the general public? Sort a stint at the soup kitchen and shelter? One of the local day-care places? (He used to go to a very rural one next to the place where he once took horse-riding lessons... note to self - horses = physical activity! add to sport options and hard-work-mucking-out list - and perhaps add in the SPCA's volunteer programme...)

You know... typing out this list has actually given me a bit of direction and some much-needed hope. There are definitely options out there worth exploring. And looking at what I hope to be doing in my own life next year, much of these can tie in to goals and dreams percolating inside my skull.

I think we're going to make it... but if you have any bright ideas, suggestions and thoughts - that's what the comment box is for. I'd love to hear them!

Failed

Day 2 of my son's unpaid holiday job. And he's fired. Favourite Man still has to find out from his boss what happened, but he's been sent walking home - both of us are stuck elsewhere so he has no transport. I don't even think he has a key to get in to the house, so he'll be spending the rest of his day outside, waiting for an adult to arrive and let him in on good grace alone.

I'm spitting mad. There are going to be some serious repercussions, and a general pulling up of socks. This is completely unacceptable, but merely the tip of the iceberg. Things have been sliding south for a good long time and it stops right here.

Perhaps it's good that I'm not allowed to leave work. By the time I get home I'll have a clearer mind and be able to zoom in on exactly what is going to happen next. But one thing I know - it's not going to be pretty.

::update::
There's three sides to every story - boss, kid, and the truth. The story the boss told is VERY different to the one the kid told. He was shocked to hear he'd actually been fired - so much so that his eyes welled up with tears and he went white. He was actually enjoying his job, the little bit he got to do. Tomorrow I get to the bottom of this....

Anticipation

Just been thinking this morning that I'm actually looking forward to the challenge of home-schooling next year. That it could work out really cool and fun and just what is needed for the kid.

OK, it's going to be a bit of a battle to find our "groove" and get things going without him degenerating into a hermit geek, but there are so many possibilities and options open when one doesn't have to catch a school bus in the morning, sit for most of the day in a school building and then still struggle through homework at night. Add in the stuff like being able to travel during school terms (cheap tickets, empty destinations...), no need to canvass the shops for uniforms or stationery, no letting others fill your kid's head with stuff you don't necessarily agree with, and it's looking very good indeed. There are a whole lot of positives to this one, the more I think about it.

And it completely ties in with the executive decision I took yesterday - which saw a bit of effort last night, but not enough (I worked till late at night putting in Olivia's floor). Everything feels like it's slotting into place - although there is still SO MUCH to sort out, accomplish and organize. Still, we're getting there - and it's with a sense of anticipation of some very good things that I'm rounding off this year.

Back to School

I've been taking a re-look at my son's schooling again recently. A year or more back I mentioned the homeschool/unschool option, after reading about something similar on Rachelle's blog.

Things have changed in the past year. My son is doing much better in high school than he did in primary school. He recently got an award for excellence in art, and his maths grades are very good. He's happier, he goes off more enthusiastically to the Daily Institution. Yet...

This is multi-faceted. I'm paying over R20K a year for his education, but I don't think he's getting his "money's worth". Yes, it's a private school with friends and teachers he knows in an environment he's comfortable. Yes, it's a Christian education - which my brothers and I all got and seem to have survived. It's a bit of a sheltered existance (which has both good and bad points). Yes, there are some teachers who are absolutely awesome - the guy who taught me Biology in high school teaches him, and is a wealth of knowledge imparted in a fascinating way. The Technology teacher has practical skills that are being handed over to his students - yet there's simply not enough time or scope to pack all that he knows in. Trying to crowd-manage and teach at the same time isn't optimal, and this is what's happening in schools everywhere. Minimal time for learning, maximum herding from here-to-there and behaviour control. Teachers do their thing and hope some of it sticks. Kids attend classes, wear their ties, keep in a line, shut up and hope they progress to the next grade.

Along with the exorbitant school fees, there's added costs of uniform, books, the regular R5 for civvies day, and a rapidly-increasing bus fee which recently saw a one third jump in cost per trip! For the first time in my son's school career I'm behind on the fees. I hate it.

So I'm considering options again.

There's a local government school instead of private. I'm not entirely sure he'll survive the experience. Perhaps I'm being too protective, but he's shy and doesn't dive in to friendships easily - I can see him withdrawing completely when overwhelmed by a huge class. Which again introduces the problem of mass crowd control instead of learning. But does teach him to get along with a wider variety of people. The government school is literally a "school of hard knocks" - and although thousands of kids do OK in them it will be a rude awakening for him. He's at that hormonal teen stage, where depression arises easily and insecurities reign - do I really want to feed that and make it worse?

There's the art school. Not an option, in spite of initial rave reviews and options for future study. With all due respect to arty folk, it's a bad bunch that hang out there and I don't want him getting involved with the drugs and stuff that are freely being used. He's also not passionate enough to go arty full-time, nor does he have the skill most of the kids there do (though everyone has to start somewhere).

There's the home school option. And amazingly there are many options for home schooling in the area, and in South Africa. There's quite a wide support base with a pool of experience and knowledge available - but a few pitfalls too. Like having to register with the government as a home schooler, and associated drama. Add in the fact that the kid comes home from school and disappears into his room on his computer, only emerging for meals and pee-breaks, or to occasionally help when summoned. He's getting a bit better, but it's all too easy for him to slip into hermit mode and never leave his room! So part of the whole home-schooling thing would be a plan to socialize - to join the karate classes, or the surf club, or go play golf, or take photography lessons/outings. Or even do a single class with the current high school on a part-time basis (though not sure they'd agree to that).

With the home schooling option he could get through his schooling as quickly as he wants to, register for exams and get his certificate - then go out into the wide world to experience life. He'd also get a chance to learn what the real world is about through how education in that system works. It ties in to the ideals I've had with wanting to take him travelling - and there's a chance he'll get a bit of travel in too, as he's due to go whale-shark diving in Australia for Mandy's birthday next year. I want to send him off backpacking Australia for 6 months when he's old enough too. Get him out there to see what the world's all about - which one can't do tied to a desk with a school uniform on.

Which is where unschool comes in. Skills learnt according to interest, interaction and involvement, a natural falling-in-to-society that happens as kids discover their place in the world and start making their lives work within that framework. It's a dangerous, scary journey to those who follow societal expectations of school/uni/job/climb corporate ladder/retire. It flies in the face of all that, but provides life skills far above what a classroom can do. Part of the learning curve involves the concept of apprenticeship instead of / together with further study - which fits in well with just about all the other options too. Yet see the "motivation and hermitation" worries above.

So all this is busy mulling around my skull. I've been talking to Favourite Man, bouncing ideas off him and getting his input. I've been talking to the kid, trying to get an idea of how he sees things and what he feels. I've been examining all the angles, all the options. But as yet, there's no direction. It's simply a work in progress.

Raising boys

In the past week I've had a major struggle with my son that ended in a long talk in private and a couple of things being clarified. It's the "head" of a collective situation with more facets than I can mention here, or want to.

But there's one thing that struck me (again) this morning and is getting a bit of screen space as a result.

I grew up outdoors. Running barefoot (with many a stubbed toe), out on my bike, building shelters in the long grass, racing down to the ice-cream shop on hot days, making mudpies and delving into grandpa's woodworking chest to chisel stuff. I rode my bike to school whenever I could. After school would see me on it to friends or riding up and down the road. Or we'd be building If I was indoors, it was nowhere near a TV (we didn't have one) or a computer (first one only acquired in 1984 and not for the use of children). If I was indoors there was a very good reason for it... rain (but not always - sometimes I'd be out in it) or illness or homework. Or perhaps with my nose stuck in a book, or making scraps of fabric into clothing for my Sindy doll, or "ice-skating" the parquet passage floor in socks, or listening to the "Men from the Ministry" on Springbok radio come Sunday night. Holidays were either the Groot Trek to my grandparents farm in South Africa once a year, where more time was spent outdoors - or to some other part of the country of Zimbabwe.

Hence my love of nature, of wild thunderstorms, of the smell of the bush in summer, and of adventure. Among many other things :-)

You see, growing up like that taught me a hell of a lot too. Stuff I still use in how I approach life. What I learnt running barefoot has carried over into how I live. The values instilled in me then run true and solid today.

However, here's the reality of today's kids - and it's so very different. Their worldview, their environment, the things they know and are familiar with.

And here's where my struggles as a mom come in.

I'd love for my son to have the same grounded upbringing I got, to hit adulthood with skills and knowledge such as I have. But a lot of this is so very hard to pass on. I know I could have done a whole lot more when he was younger - although we grew up in a very "rural" environment, safe for him to run around a large property with his friends, out in nature, it's not the same as what I had. He has the distractions of TV, internet & computer, PS2. We're now in a security complex where he knows no-one, and in recent years he's withdrawn from a few of the friend circles he had as relationships change. As a single mom, I haven't had the time or energy to do so many things I've wanted to with him. And yet there's a part of me that says that's no excuse. That others have come right with this one, so why haven't I?

On the flip side of the coin is personality differences. I'm an "A type", my son's a "B type". How I see things is not how he does. My priorities and his are very different - and to find balance between that is not easy. I admit I've struggled for a few years to recognize that genetics and characteristics are two different things - one can be passed on, the other isn't.

At the moment I'm doing a lot of thinking for the way forward. How I can hand over more of my skills, knowledge, world-view and outlook to my son. How I can equip him to be a success as an adult. How I can ensure that he grows into a confident and secure man.

I guess it's really just one step at a time.

Ebb & Flow

I've noticed a pattern over the years as a single mom. Sometimes I'm a brilliant mother - and then there will come a patch where I'm not so brilliant a mother. I've hit one of those lately. And it's bugging me.

This is where the second parent usually steps in and takes over for a while, where the second parent gets to be the go-to, the run-around, the care-giver. I've seen it in many married couples, a bit like a relay race. You do what you're good at, and where you're not measuring up the other one shines.

But it's just me. And there are times I simply don't shine. Not a single reflective surface - just me trying to care for me for a little bit before I lose myself. And doing the bare minimum of parenting, merely keeping things ticking over. Feed, clean, get off to school, make sure homework is done, check that teeth are brushed, sort out weekends, spend some time each day together and then hug goodnight. Nothing outstanding, nothing amazing - just routine.

At times like this I know I shouldn't feel like a failure. It's just the ebb and flow, it happens. But somehow I do.

Another Birthday

This past week saw my son turn 14. He reckons he feels like a real teenager now, and it seems he's already starting to get into the "compete for girls" stage... He and his friend have been eyeing the same chick - a stunner, but still young (12...). Who will get there first? My son, if I have anything to do with it! :-)

Today however was party day. Unlike past years I was completely uninspired. No huge bash, no invites even - just word of mouth, some junk food and movies and 4 friends that turned up. I fed them, then left them to it, and they entertained themselves.

It wasn't a big deal birthday at all for the kid this year. He didn't even get a physical present in his hands (other than some choccies)! He opted for credits and "dragon amulets" for an online game he's been at for 2 years, with the option of something else on order for later. I was stuck with 2 broken cars, and ended up really sick on his birthday too, so not much of a fuss was made at all this year. I simply didn't have the inspiration or the energy to plug into the event.

So here we go - deeper into the teen years. Further into the hormonal influences. Closer to the girlfriends, shaving, learner's licence and defiance stage. So far so good. I'll sit back and see what happens next.

Moms and Sons

It's now that the uncertainties kick in. I think I've done pretty well as a single mom up to now, but the teen years have hit.

I'm watching the hair grow on my son's upper lip - and although it's mere peach fuzz, the day is coming when he'll have to take up razor and Prep (or whatever) and rake it off.

Except...

I have no idea how to teach a son to shave his face. Legs, underarms and other bits yes. Face - nope.

Nor do I know how to teach him about Becoming A Man. I've never been one myself, and although I know a few good men I couldn't say what he needs to learn to become one.

I can give him a girl's perspective on growing up - I cannot give him a guy's perspective.

What I know about body changes in boys is minimal, no matter what I trawl up on the internet. What I know about emotional changes is even less - heck, when I was that age I was too focussed on my own teen issues to observe and learn what was going on in the guys!

So here's where it gets difficult. And I'm gritting my teeth ahead of the next few years...

Surprise!

The kid was home alone for the first time today in the new house. Dad kinda moved with us last week.. :-) But dad's with the brothers this week. Of course, new neighbourhood and not much to do. Internet is still to be installed, he's beaten all his PS2 and PC games - a couple times over.

So he watched some Dr Phil (!) and Days of our Lives (!) - before he ended up on a "date" with two chicks (!!).

OK, let me start at the beginning.

Yesterday he and my dad went with a friend of dad's to Cape Town to go ice-skating. Her granddaughters were along too, and one other loose attachment (baby brother?) - so quite the crowd. They also went to a movie and grabbed supper (which means the supper I made last night ended up uneaten...). They had an absolute ball and got on like a house on fire. One girl is a grade above him, the other probably a grade below him.

So today the girls decide it's movie weather, and perhaps J would like to join them? I got a call from granny on the cellphone, but J doesn't have a phone here (and, amazingly, no cellphone neither - in this day and age!), so I told her to take a chance and drop by. Hoping the kid was at the VERY least dressed.. :-)

They did - picked him up, took him off (with the house keys - which star shortly in this story) and entertained him with DVDs all afternoon. Meanwhile I arrived home around 5, waiting for the kid to get home (granny said she'd drop him off). At 6:30 my cellphone rings and granny's on the line - please can I come get Jason, she's going out. Now it's just after sunset, I've been reading in the car for an hour and a half (thank goodness for my emergency Reader's Digest Condensed Book in the cubby!), and my car Has No Lights. It's getting dark. So I dash through the back streets, hitting every out-for-a-drive driver in the place (or rather being stuck behind them), and get there in serious dusk. Greet great-gran (who wants to chat - sorry, gotta run), meet the chicks and the bouncing-around boy-kid, stuff my teen in the car and race home, holding the lights on brights (only way they work, makes turning and changing gears interesting), but watching them and the dash lights slowly fade away..... until near darkness once home! Serious issues there. Hope the car starts tomorrow - and again, thank goodness for a spare one of those just in case.

So finally it's 7, pitch dark, we're home, I can go pee at last, the house is opened etc.

And then the kid tells me what ELSE he's done with his day.

He got SO bored he CLEANED THE ENTIRE HOUSE! He washed all the bathrooms, basins, taps, the kitchen sink and surrounds, swept the floors, WASHED THE WINDOWS (well, tried to) upstairs, cleared out the last of the unpacked boxes in his room, chucked out the junk...

SJOE! I think I should leave him home and bored more often. In the meantime I've shown him where the vacuum, the sponge mop and bucket and extra paper towels are.. ;-) I've also managed to arrange that he keep the house clean in exchange for his allowance going up.

Then more suprises. He reckons he can WALK the 4km THROUGH TOWN to go visit his new chick friends! This from a couch potato. He says he now knows the way, and will need a cellphone. As I've been wheedled into getting one with MMS and other fancy things (shortly), I think that's doable. He can have my old one, which is on prepaid and which he can top up from his allowance - and I can go fancy. I'm also going to need to cut another set of keys.

Anyhoo, he and his two chick friends are off to Century City in Cape Town on Friday. The kid is finally getting a social life. Getting off the couch, away from the computer, and doing stuff!

Between that and the house-cleaning I'm completely blown away...

Peace

For some reason this day exhausted me. I got home ready to just sit somewhere in peace and quiet (dad and kid had gone ice-skating). Instead I came home to things scattered all over - breakfast/lunch stuff piled up, random bits of laundry drying here and there, floor strewn with a few leaves that had blown in, a neglected toy here, a scatter of sugar and crumbs there, the flotsam and jetsam of two guys on holiday.

And it got to me. Just a little bit. I would have loved to come home to order and peace, everything tidy and clean and all I had to do was sink into a chair with my feet up for a while.

But life seldom plays out like that. Instead I did the dishes, cleaned the floor, sorted out the dogs, covered up some outside un-unpacked boxes with plastic to keep the rain out, made supper, located the rest of the family (twice), took washing to various parts of the house for their owners to sort out, etc etc etc. I gave up waiting and ate supper on my own.

And now I can sit. At last. If only there were a neck and back rub available at the same time...

What was good about today

I know there's a song or a movie or a musical group or something by that name. But it's rather appropriate to this particular Friday, cos a lot of good stuff happened.

Actually, it started last night with something (unbloggable) and just carried on from there with another couple somethings that kept me grinning all day (still unbloggable.. sorry ;-) ) - but before this turns into an entire post about not much of anything, let me list the things that ARE bloggable.

I'm settling in at the new job (bit of a longer commute this morning thanks to heavy rain and one traffic light out - remind me to get a car with a heater and/or window defroster. Lights would be nice too!). There's a ways to go in getting to know my colleagues (I'm shy, so have to work up courage to connect with others sometimes), but I've starting in on some of the stuff I was hired to do. With looming deadlines and all! I'm still feeling my way, but getting the hang of the company, the products, and how things work a little better than I did yesterday. Today I found the boiling water dispenser and made some tea!

HOWEVER - I still need to sort out the whole meals thing. I tend to get so busy I don't eat, or don't feel like eating.. and then I come home and am too tired to make an effort. Tonight it was merely avo toast (and one small choccie to celebrate what's in the next paragraph). I did get some fruit in at lunchtime, and a lot of water during the day, but I need to get the pack-a-lunch routine sorted before I kill myself. I'm not going to fall into the buy-your-lunch trap.

So.. this paragraph. Right after work I went to have a walk-through of the house I drove past yesterday. From the security gate I already had a good vibe. Walking through the front door I almost said "we'll take it" without seeing anything else. It's not that it's fantastically great - but it's just what we need now, at a price I can afford. It's a great starter. Before I'd even got out of my car I ran into someone I know (neighbours!) - no, not literally, silly.... The complex is busy but quiet, well-kept and orderly, and right down the road is a big Landy with an Overland sticker - only the second I've seen! Here's something funny about that. I've stuck Overland stickers on both the Landy and the Ford, hoping to spot another forum member on the roads, but for months there's been nothing. Yesterday I walked out the front door from my new work, and there was a Landy with an Overland sticker sitting right in front of me. Today I go look at a house, and spot another! Sjoe! Anyhoo.... it's a 2-bedroom duplex with enough space for the 2 of us. Bricked yards front and back, but pet-friendly. Sliding security gate at front, room to park 3 cars (seriously considering putting up cover over part of it, with permission), dog friendly (though may still try rehome the two beasts). The complex comes with a pool and a load of kids my son's age. It has a great feel to it, and it's in exactly the spot I was hoping for with regards to post-school transport. Safe enough that my son can do his own thing over holidays without me worrying. It's missing a few things that were on my wishlist (ADSL line, lock-up garage, 3rd bedroom, real soil & greenery garden), but for now it's good. Having said that, this weekend I'm chucking out a lot of stuff that I don't plan to take with - and may organize sale of some bulky furniture to a second-hand shop, with an eye on an upgrade.

And then I came home to find I can actually log in to my internet banking, and have received a boost to my accounts thanks to salary payments from two places. Nice! I suddenly feel rich.. :-) Of course much of it is going toward moving, rent, and a few other essentials. But there's enough left over for a few good things. Including starting us off on the road I've hoped for toward the future. Financial recovery, and living instead of surviving.

Before I forget - my son had a good day too. It was supposed to be sports day, but when the school saw the immense amounts of rain coming down they sent everyone home at 9! So he had an off-day instead and spent it hanging around on the internet. (I think he's doing pretty well coming home on his own, actually enjoying it...sshhh.. :-) )

The good day continues with hearing a voice that makes me happy, savouring an Inside Story chocolate as a treat, and the fact that it's Friday! Weekend! Sleeping in! OK, perhaps not sleeping in TOO late - got some papers to sign for that house and many boxes to fill.

I seem to be running on adrenalin again tonight - two in a row - makes for late nights, matchstick-open eyes, an urge to fidget, and the occasional acting out of character. Or perhaps that's just the effects of a "natural energy boost" vitamin supplement I decided to start taking 2 days ago..? What do they put in these things??? :-)

Left behind?

The quest for housing continues. The one I saw today is completely wrong for us - bad area, so tiny you can barely turn around in it never mind fit in more than a single folding chair. But affordable. Tomorrow it's on to upping the amount I'm willing to fork over each month (or the distance I'm willing to travel each day), and hoping for a good match.

But on the way home after taking a look, I started to wonder (never a good thing - especially if I come home and blog it right away! :-) ). Waiting in traffic I had a look around me at commuters years younger than me, driving cars that didn't rattle alarmingly on acceleration or have headlights smashed in. Commuters heading home to the rich area of town, not scraping the bottom of the barrel for a roof over their head. And I realized that at age 35 I should be somewhere in life - I should by now have acquired a home with my name on the ownership papers, a lifestyle that is comfortable, a job that ensures a good quality of life. I shouldn't be struggling along in a crappy vehicle and dodgy part of town to make ends meet!

Truth is, I got well and truly discouraged. It's that feeling of having tread water for the past 10 years again. Of sticking it out in a low-paying job because you can't afford to leave. Of not knowing where to next, and watching in frustration as everyone else gets ahead in life.

Of course I'm on the cusp of change. Change in basically every area of my life - all the things that matter. It's on the upswing, I haven't gotten there yet, it's just beginning. I realize that I have to be patient and strive for what I want. Just tend to hit these compare-yourself-to-others low-blood-pressure dips now and then.

I guess it's hard not to hold yourself up to others at times. There are those to whom it seems to come easily, and then there are the rest of us that have to fight every step tooth and nail to get ahead. I'm in the fighting group. I can't opt out of the battle (as much as I'd love to at times). When my blood pressure isn't quite so low I actually relish the challenge! :-)

Tonight though, for a brief half-hour, it felt like I've been left behind.

Struggle to Survive

Warning - brutally honest, salary figure-laced, distraught and discouraged post ahead. Leave now if you don't need to read such stuff!!! Unless you're looking for someone to bestow your recent lotto winnings on... :-)

I'm not sure I should blog this, but consider it a route marker on the journey... a blip in the timeline that is now.

I've just exited the first staff meeting of the year, clutching my updated salary information for 2007. And feeling physically ill. I thought we would survive this year. More than survive - thrive. But my already-meagre salary has been dealt another few blows - sudden taxation on the "free" housing (which takes a third of my salary before I'm paid, is based on a percentage of my earnings not how big the place is, and is not maintained - oh, and married couples get to split the cost where I'm slammed with the entire amount), contributions to the (seldom used) medical aid unexpectedly doubled, and the 6,8% across-the-board increase eaten up by other charges that get deducted without my knowledge or permission.

Basically, where I once saw R(edited) in a good month (about the same as I started out with 11 years ago), I'll now be seeing about R(edited, but a lot less) - and I'm terrified. We cannot survive on that at all. It barely covers food for the month. We were sorta making it last year, only because I paid my son's schooling annually in advance (can't this year) and dug into credit limits for everything else. Now I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I'm tired of fighting to merely exist. I'm tired of worrying if we'll make it past week one of each month. I'm tired of watching yet another thing break down and wondering where I'll get cash to fix it. I'm tired of seeing others buy expensive toys and plough cash into stuff I could never dream of.

I've started this year off working after-hours for extra money - baking things to sell to hungry colleagues & students, generating orders for food items etc. But suddenly it looks like it's not going to be enough. I'm not prone to swearing (much), but SHIT this is bad. Other than that month a few years ago where there was only enough food in the house for my son for 2 weeks (not for me), this is the worst it's been.

"So quit whining and find a new job!" I hear you say. That's the aim, but the timetable was set for the end of this year, not now. Giving me a chance to either get my own business stuff running well enough to live on, or find something that will cover rent, travel to work (unneeded at the moment), schooling (currently receive a discount and a partial payback, kid walks there and back) and still keep us alive. Then there's the problem of my having many skills, but specializing in nothing well enough to be paid decently for it. I suddenly feel like I've hit rock bottom, and hit it hard.

Of course, the perverse Daily Guru then popped up in my inbox, full of cheer and light, stating:

FIND THE GOOD SIDE TO EVERY SITUATION

You cannot have the success without the failures.
Any experience can be transformed into something of value.
Everything depends on the way you look at things.

In all of your adversities lies the seeds of equivalent advantages.
In every defeat there is a lesson showing you how to win the next time.

What are stumbling blocks and defeat before you
can be stepping stones to victory if you remain determined.

View your problems as opportunities.
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.

I'm trying, I really am! It just seems that the more I do, the worse off I get. I simply don't know what next anymore. I'm battling forward, and just going backwards.

Is it any wonder that many of my nightmares involve money?

Off to have a good cry and hope I can find some light in this bloody dark tunnel... Perhaps things will look better in a couple hours - and I can delete this.

::update::
And MORE perverse happy stuff just keeps flowing in, smacking me upside the head:
* Chief Happiness Officer talks about working a sucky job for a year ('cept I'm not in it for the money - hmm.. maybe I am, 'cos I'm trying to save by staying!)

::light-in-tunnel update::
OK, one good cry, one piece of most excellent chili-chocolate and some sustainance later, and my make-a-plan brainspace is starting to function. I've maintained that I keep getting kicks in the rear, making me uncomfortable enough that I'll blerry-well go DO all the good stuff I've been threatening to try, all those brilliant ideas rattling around in my semi-blonde head. (And just had to answer a phonecall for another order that will bring in a few more pennies) It's a matter of sucking it up, soldiering on, and MAKING things happen. Not just sitting back and woe-is-me'ing. YES, it's going to take hard work and sacrifice. YES it's going to mean a shuffling of priorities, less done in some areas and more in others. But there's one thing I know - you get only a couple of chances each day, a couple of choices. Once your hours, minutes, seconds have ticked past they're gone for good. It's now or never, and NOW it's going to have to be.

So I'm sitting with some more of those plans (after tonight's parent-teacher meeting, while the brownies are baking), setting out concrete steps to start on the road to where I want to be. Trawling the job websites, I know what I don't want. I need to finalize in my head what I DO want, visualize it and then go for it. Take the darn risks, and trust.

Here's to being knocked down! And getting up again.

Welcome to Hell

(this was yesterday's post - until we lost internet...)

Imagine if you will a 35 degree C day (for you Farenheit folk - it's hot). Imagine a wind blowing that doesn't cool things down but only makes it worse - hot enough to evaporate half the sea I'm sure. Add to that a hall with an asbestos/tin type roof, no insulation and no aircon. Throw in mere smidgens of windows high up that are impossible to open.

Then imagine yourself placed in that building for an entire day, ordered to not go anywhere (other than lunch), but fortunately given an internet connection (eventually) to keep you amused.

Welcome to hell.

Yup, that's my day in a nutshell. We've had stifling heat the past few days, but I hear we're going to have to get used to it. Global Warming ain't that funny anymore (and we add to it by running the aircon full blast of course). Nights are an exercise in balance between staying covered up sufficiently to deter munching mozzies, and uncovering enough to evaporate any bedtime heat buildup (and not of the good variety either). Though I haven't yet resorted to dunking my curtains in water and re-hanging them (cooling by evaporation). Days are dragging-about energy-sapping shimmery hot. The poor kid trudges up a large hill with a very heavy backpack in awful temperatures at lunchtime every day - but aha! I have a plan. I greet him with a big glass of juice laced with half a tray of ice. Mealtimes are reduced to cool, light and whatever doesn't require cooking. And I'm sure I've had about 3 litres of water to drink already.

So tonight we go swimming. The kid's got no homework, and when that sun sinks we're going to hit the campus pool. Remember night swimming as a kid? Lying at the bottom of the pool, staring up through all that water at a milky-misty liquid moon?

For now though I'm joining the panting wandering dogs in seeking out the coolest corners of my house.
_____________

And now today's post...

If yesterday was bad, today was worse. My brother reports 44 degrees in Cape Town! Fortunately I informed the boss I was moving back to my office (which was a necessity - I had too much to do to stick around the other building), and went back to where the aircon functioned.

Unfortunately the day culminated in a heated debate (literally and figuratively) in the boardroom, just under the eaves of the top floor. 2 hours of aircon hadn't even made a dent in the heat by the time we arrived!!! Now it's home to NO aircon, hardly a breath of wind, mid-30's heat still going strong and no urge to do anything about dishes or supper. I think I'll join the birds under the sprinkler instead.

Budgeting

New to 2007 is an attempt at budgeting! Yup, you heard me - I've never actually worked off a budget before. Why? Well it's simple. It's taken all our monthly income (and more) just to buy food basics, fill up the car tank once and cover things like school fees, car repair and clothing replacement (not cupboard-stocking - just replacing the stuff that falls apart or gets horribly outgrown). My budgeting has been merely to stick most of my salary in the credit card account, use the remainder in the cheque account for cash withdrawals, and get any medical aid refunds paying out into savings (not that we've used a doctor in years.. but it's the thought that counts, occasionally).

This year it's a different story. With R50,000+ needed by August, a Land-Rover Guinness World Record trip in April (petrol! repairs!), dad coming out for a month's visit in March, an excursion/adventure in May/June, Camino to walk in Sept/Oct (with child-care at home to sort out) and a business to get up and running a.s.a.p. it's taking some thinking.

But it's also taking no thinking - strangely enough. I've found that simply expecting to be able to do it, noticing the opportunities that come along and being open to receive has already done some amazing stuff. This week alone I've had a few surprise chances to negotiate business (over and above the day-job that pays most of our food each month) - and that R50,000 is looking doable!

Add to that a definite plan to stash cash, a further paring down of already frugal spending, and we're not only going to get out of our deep dark financial hole, we may end up a lot better off than expected.

I wrote something in my journal last night that I'll hint at here. It's a year of gifts. I've found great joy in giving to others, and delighted in receiving too. The more I give, the more unexpected gifts seem to turn up at my doorstep. And not just the kind of gift you can unwrap. An open heart, willing to love, has found me at peace with others in a way I've never been. A recognition and respect of the spark of fellow-humanity in those around me has led to being better treated myself. Open doors to my home have led to open doors back into the world. Sharing who I am without reserve (well, usually.. :-) ) has seen it reciprocated in deep and valuable friendships. And a whole lot more.

OK, so I'm a bit off the budgeting theme - but when have you ever known me to stick to the point? :-)

As the first payday of 2007 approaches, the list of things to buy and acquire is immense. But this time around I'm not throwing "numbers in the bank's computer" around willy-nilly. There's a plan in place, a mastery of what I have to work with, and a budget. Control-freak? Perhaps. But it's going to give a very large step in the right direction, and a base from which to build one awesome future. For all of us.

So it begins!

This is the face of a brand-new highschooler (and yes, I know - he refuses to stand up straight...). School officially kicked off for the new students at 7:30 this morning. He has to be there by 7:25, so had worked out he needs to leave by 7:10 and be up around 6. Being prone to liking my sleep, my alarm is set for 6:20 - so he had to make do with that.

He's walking to school - it's not right down the road like his primary school was, but rather about a half-kilometre or less from our house. Carrying a heavy backpack with every single book in it's a good thing it's downhill! I'm hoping he'll find a lift back up after school.

Got a couple of "klagtes" (gripes) about the school though. They've been short on info-supply (and I thrive on info). They didn't let parents know to accompany their kids on the orientation day - fortunately mine wasn't the only solo kid there, and he coped very well. The rule book they sent is printed on one side of each sheet only - missing most of the information completely, so we have no idea what half the stuff needs to be. I don't know what time school ends each day, nor have I seen a year calendar from them to say what other events are expected from us. There hasn't been a meet-and-greet for parents to get to know the principal, the teachers, the office staff, the other parents. Then again, the primary school didn't do that either, and 7 years on I still didn't know half the parents from my son's class.

However my son has coped remarkeably well so far. On orientation day he won an "Uber Grade 8" gift bag, has already started to make new friends, sorted out all his own form-filling, and - for the first time in his life - COVERED HIS OWN DARN BOOKS last night! :-) YAY, no more of that for me! :-) He left this morning actually eager to get to school for the first time in I dunno how long. He reckons it's going to be quite good, and is showing signs of attempting to do well this year already. Though he has mentioned he may consider following Mandy's example and bunking regularly (thanks Mandy for sharing your ideas on how! :-) ) - I told him he's welcome to, provided he can still pull in straight A's. In other words, he's not bunking.

This morning it was quite the thing to watch him stride off down the hill, a very different kid from the one I first saw off in Grade 1. Twice the size, definitely the teen.

Watch this space - it's a whole new era.

Back to School

Here in the Cape the new school year is just about to kick off. Today my teen son headed off alone to the local high school for new student orientation. A new chapter in life begins!

I'm amazed though at how things are done these days. It was a prefect that called him up with the orientation and registration details, and who personally delivered a letter with those too. It's the prefects that show them around and do the (rather mild) initiation/hazing stuff (mild, 'cos this is a conservative Christian school and they wouldn't want to offend anyone.. :-) ).

So today the kid's toddled off down the hill to school. Tomorrow is a blank day (probably will be devoted to covering all the books they'll receive today), and then they start school in uniform on Thursday.

High school is supposed to be very different from primary school. Let's hope that carries over into the effort the kid puts into his work too.. :-)

Educating the Son

An article on AskMen.com mentioned good manners and chivalry when it comes to dating. And reminded me of a conversation I had with my son this weekend.

I may not be able to teach him some things (like shaving his face) easily, but one thing I can do is help him stand out from the crowd when it comes time to get into the dating scene. Being a chick, I know what girls like, and what kind of things make a bloke different in a good way. Much of it does have to do with the chivalry/good manners mentioned in the article above.

Although it's not expected these days, it's nice to have the door opened for you (when it comes to cars, I reciprocate by leaning over and opening his door for him before he gets there - much to the surprise of some! :-) ), to be treated with respect and consideration. It's small things that make you feel special - and those I can pass on to my son. Instead of the bumbling, lumbering, awkward teen stuff, perhaps I can guide him toward confidence and "mindful" dating - doing those little things that make all the difference.

Lucky for him, I also possess a girl's mind - so can interpret a lot of the mixed signals teen girls tend to give out.. :-)

He hasn't yet shown an interest in getting a girlfriend, though I can see he's thinking about it. Many of his friends are already hanging out with arms around some chick or other, but he's a "late bloomer". Perhaps if he didn't spen quite so much time on the computer..? :-) I suspect once school starts up again - high school years - we'll see a few changes. I only hope he'll still feel he can talk to me about anything and everything then.