Sweet Sixteen

I can't remember my 16th birthday. I remember my 18th, my 19th, my 20th and 21st. My 30th, my 8th... but 16 is a big nothing. I think it was around the time I blanked out most of a year in my memory, for whatever reason (can't remember - blanked it out! :-) ).

Today's my son's 16th. He's taller than me, turning into a man. He shaves (occasionally) and checks out girls (surreptitiously). All his clothes are getting too short or too small. He's hovering between kid and adult.

We've had a quiet celebration. Yesterday his uncles and their families came around for cake & coffee. The cousins got into his Bionicles in a big way!

We three had supper at the Spur - and avoided the singing waiters.

Today it was prezzie, home-made pizza and non-alcoholic champagne, with a movie on the side.

Tomorrow we're off to apply for his official South African ID document - and that opens doors to all sorts of things! Learner's car licence, motorbike licence, part-time work, travel as a semi-adult. It's now that things start to get interesting!

It's been a pretty good 16 years thus far. Let's hope the next 16 are fantastic!

(and no, he hasn't yet been kissed)

To-do

There's the official Work To-Do List.

There's the unofficial Everything Else To-Do List.

And then there's the What-if List.

A week or two back my son told me "I'm moving out". This, at age 14. He thinks his life is hard and terrible and all that stuff that afflicts teens. He has no idea... Needless to say he's still at home.

And then a day or two later he started to ask about travel. About going to see places and things, going to try out a few new experiences, look at locations we've talked about and seen on TV. This, at age 14. And most likely inspired by this amazing woman, who has done what many only dream about. A chick the kid TOTALLY respects and is in awe of.

Anyway...

We recently applied to renew his passport, as it was about to expire. That should be here in the next few weeks. He's been invited to Australia to go on a big adventure mid-year-ish by the cool chick mentioned above, and I've been pondering for ages the option of sending him off to explore the world with a backpack when he turns 16.

But at age 14, at age 15? That seems a bit young! Or am I just being a protective molly-coddling mom?

I know he's not properly equipped to handle alone-travel yet. There are things I need to teach him about. He needs to understand how the world outside the gate works, and that sometimes it's going to be very very tough. He needs survival strategies and knowledge. But he has an innate sense of adventure hiding under many many layers, a curiousity about the world. He likes to make everyone believe that he just wants to sit in his room in the dark and wait for internet access (he's still internetless - and it's got him doing other things like learning Flash!).

I know better - hey, I'm his mom! :-) I know he's shy - but he wants to get out there. I know he's scared - but he wants to experience everything, everywhere. I know - because I faced down the same stuff.

So... back to that to-do list.

Today I did a bit of trawling with regard to round-the-world tickets. Costs, stop-overs, possibilities. I'm not about to drop him off at the airport just yet, but I've started to think of world-education options. And I've got a few steps starting to take shape in my head, to prepare him for his Big Adventure Out There.

The boring to-do lists? Sometimes they need a few minutes to the side while I explore the more exciting stuff.

In the driver's seat

Favourite Man and I got chatting about the kid yesterday - and in particular his life-skills and social coping mechanisms (most of which leave much to be desired, but are being tackled bit by bit). Well, FMan decided it was time for a bit of a learning curve.

Earlier in the day he'd helped the boy get his online banking access sorted out - after the usual struggle with numbskull institutions. The kid had sorted his passwords and how to access his account, we'd both checked that transfers of cash worked, and that was the first big educational experience of the day done.

Next though was an entirely different challenge.

FMan's current vehicle is a Land Rover Discovery 2 TD5 Automatic. Very comfy truck, easy to drive, goes smoothly in spite of a few engine niggles. Well, we loaded up the kid and headed off to a new complex-in-progress nearby. They've put in the roads, but not much else. We've often gone there for some peace, quiet and sweeping views of sunsets. Yesterday, however, was for something new.

With some serious coaxing and downright ordering, we stuck the kid in the front seat. In the DRIVER'S seat. Adjusted the sunshades so he couldn't use the "sun's in my eyes" excuse, stuck my sunglasses on his face, and FMan proceded to educate him in the uses of various pedals and levers required to get the truck to move in any direction.

He will be getting his license on a manual transmission, but auotmatic is a good choice for learning how pedal and steering wheel react to pressure/movement, so we battled the initial resistance and grumpy face at having to do something new, and off he went. Slowly. FMan had plotted a route - straight first, then a left turn down a steep hill, around the corner at the bottom and up another steep hill, turning right to get back to where we'd started, then turning the truck around to face in the original direction. No traffic to worry about, no-one else around.

And the kid did it! He took the first two turns a little sharply, but he managed to keep going in a good line, hit the accelerator sufficiently to make it back up the hill, and didn't give us whiplash with brake manipulation.

Yes, he's only 14 (turns 15 in June) - but hey, wouldn't you want to learn to drive earlier rather than later? Wouldn't you rather hit your driver's test knowing what you're doing than fresh out of driving school and still sweaty-palmed?

So it's started - the driving lessons are underway. A lot more practice will happen on the automatic while we ponder where to get a small, reliable manual for him to fiddle with. And then, if he's really good, it's on to Olivia! :-)

Been there, done that

Just caught my uncle in the USA online for a quick chat and mentioned my son's homeschooling for next year. Guess what - he's the first family member that's said "great idea - go for it!" :-) And why? Because they homeschooled my cousins 10 years ago and it turned into a fantastic experience!

The boys didn't die. They didn't shrink and shrivel up into mere shells of humanity. In fact they thrived! They're both doing very very well.

So there's hope. There's courage to be drawn from those who have been there, done that. And the more I ponder what's in store, the more positive I am that it will work out - and work out well.

It's just the thought I need to go into the weekend with, while plotting and planning the route ahead.

What to do next

Quick update on the "firing" episode. I had a chat to the boss, and he felt my son was too young for the work environment, didn't have the physical strength required to do the heavy-lifting tasks they work with, and wasn't a good fit with the work they had available. Rather than fart around for a few weeks, he sent him home. So it really wasn't anything he "did" as such (didn't burn down the workplace, didn't crash anyone's computers) as much as he's not ready for it.

(He did, however, get very badly sunburnt waiting for Favourite Man to come home. He was locked out and didn't have the presence of mind to attempt a break-in or to find enough shade to sit in all day. He did go swimming - fully clothed - to cool off at one stage! :-) )

Which leaves me having to do some hard thinking as to what next.

You see, next year's homeschooling needs to involve apprenticeship-type work. The kid needs to get out into the big wide world and learn how to work with people who do jobs every day that he might be interested in trying himself later. He needs to up his social, physical and mental skills, learn how to motivate himself, how to follow through on hard jobs to the end, etc.

Except that at the moment all he really can do is sit on the computer and design stuff or do things online. He's good at cleaning when he puts his mind to it, he's good at helping when he focuses his attention sufficiently and doesn't give up. He's managed to both help and hinder in Olivia's restoration, depending on mood. But he's also cheeky and unrespectful of authority at times. He has little social skill, doesn't know how to relate to adults or those in authority well, often doesn't do or say the right thing, and thinks all that counts is his opinion. So I'm sitting with a dilemma on my hands as to what to do with him next.

He's not old enough to be officially employed - still a year and a half to go. I haven't got a lot of contacts in a variety of work fields yet - working on that. I'm still developing an official plan of action for the home-schooling / work-life experience options - which needs to have my full attention VERY soon. In the meantime the kid's lying around the house, sleeping in very late, playing his PS2 and sitting on Photoshop or the internet. Treading water, wasting time.

So what do I do? How do I creatively start him off on the next phase of his learning curve without another incident like we had this week?

Here's what I'd like to see:

* A shot at the great outdoors for his science/environment study. Perhaps volunteer work at the Nature Reserve nearby? Helping the Lourensford River preservation lot clean up the riverbanks fortnightly? A stint with local winemakers and olive growers to see how things are harvested, grown, processed and sold? A day spent with the 4x4 groups clearing a trail or restoring an area? Involvement with the Off-Road Rescue Unit?

* Some cultural training. Art school? Drama society? A volunteer stint at the local library?

* Academic. British system? ACE system? Unofficial draw-it-up-yourself system? Courses at local instutions or online? Maths club? Tutors? Add in some certifications like a first-aid course? Photography course?

* A bit of body-work/sport. Perhaps karate/judo lessons? (Pole-dancing? ;-) ) Joining up with SonSurf to help out and get into the grommet class? Joining me in getting back on the fitness track while at the same time spending time with his mom? Getting physical with Favourite Man and I doing metal work, wood work, and sorting out vehicles on a regular basis? Get him that wreck to restore by the time he turns 18?

* Computer stuff. Helping out an animator friend / watching and learning from him? Designing things for me and Favourite Man? A correspondence computer class to pick up new skills? A bit of basic programming work to learn how things happen, or perhaps website design? (I have instruction books for both Flash and Dreamweaver - with tutorial CDS)

* Social skills. Regular outings with new relatives and old friends? Regular "play dates"? "Rent a girlfriend"? :-) Volunteer work at the local old age home - with perhaps a project to document a few life stories - and submit them to the local paper (tick that off under "English studies" too)? Holiday kids-at-the-mall care or Spur kid-area supervision? Send him out on a mission to do research on the general public? Sort a stint at the soup kitchen and shelter? One of the local day-care places? (He used to go to a very rural one next to the place where he once took horse-riding lessons... note to self - horses = physical activity! add to sport options and hard-work-mucking-out list - and perhaps add in the SPCA's volunteer programme...)

You know... typing out this list has actually given me a bit of direction and some much-needed hope. There are definitely options out there worth exploring. And looking at what I hope to be doing in my own life next year, much of these can tie in to goals and dreams percolating inside my skull.

I think we're going to make it... but if you have any bright ideas, suggestions and thoughts - that's what the comment box is for. I'd love to hear them!

"Hier kom 'n ding"...

This morning we dropped off a rather grumpy child at a local signwriter's place of business. Favourite Man has organized him a holiday job at a place that uses two of his skills - computers and art - but the kid isn't exactly pleased about it.

He likes his free holidays. Lazing in bed until 10, then spending the entire day online with his door closed, shut off in what's commonly known as the "bat cave", curtains drawn, window closed, only coming out to attack the bread and peanut butter. Typical teen? Perhaps - but both Favourite Man and I grew up differently, running "free" in the great outdoors. And I like to think we're the better for it.

So no more sleeping in for the kid this holiday. Or at least until the business closes down for the festive season just before Xmas.

And he wasn't happy this morning. Up early, packed lunch, dropped off with strangers. Lucky for him they have a bit of a blank day ahead, with not much going on at the signwriters for some reason. Yesterday they were all running around like chickens without heads.

Yes, he may get a bit of cash for his presence - though he's below the employable age so can't get a salary, just a "tip" on their good graces. Yes, he'll get valuable experience and a shot at the real world. Yes, he'll get out and about, and meet new people, learn new things.

But this morning he was very very grumpy. I only hope he pulls his socks up and puts in his best effort for this one. That he doesn't chuck it in and walk home after mere hours (I dread receiving a frustrated email from Favourite Man telling me just that). That he sees this as the fantastic opportunity to get going in life that it is.

Holding thumbs, but "hier kom 'n ding"....

::update::
A surruptitious checking-in by Favourite Man has surprised us both - the kid's doing OK! We await a full report later.

Back to School

I've been taking a re-look at my son's schooling again recently. A year or more back I mentioned the homeschool/unschool option, after reading about something similar on Rachelle's blog.

Things have changed in the past year. My son is doing much better in high school than he did in primary school. He recently got an award for excellence in art, and his maths grades are very good. He's happier, he goes off more enthusiastically to the Daily Institution. Yet...

This is multi-faceted. I'm paying over R20K a year for his education, but I don't think he's getting his "money's worth". Yes, it's a private school with friends and teachers he knows in an environment he's comfortable. Yes, it's a Christian education - which my brothers and I all got and seem to have survived. It's a bit of a sheltered existance (which has both good and bad points). Yes, there are some teachers who are absolutely awesome - the guy who taught me Biology in high school teaches him, and is a wealth of knowledge imparted in a fascinating way. The Technology teacher has practical skills that are being handed over to his students - yet there's simply not enough time or scope to pack all that he knows in. Trying to crowd-manage and teach at the same time isn't optimal, and this is what's happening in schools everywhere. Minimal time for learning, maximum herding from here-to-there and behaviour control. Teachers do their thing and hope some of it sticks. Kids attend classes, wear their ties, keep in a line, shut up and hope they progress to the next grade.

Along with the exorbitant school fees, there's added costs of uniform, books, the regular R5 for civvies day, and a rapidly-increasing bus fee which recently saw a one third jump in cost per trip! For the first time in my son's school career I'm behind on the fees. I hate it.

So I'm considering options again.

There's a local government school instead of private. I'm not entirely sure he'll survive the experience. Perhaps I'm being too protective, but he's shy and doesn't dive in to friendships easily - I can see him withdrawing completely when overwhelmed by a huge class. Which again introduces the problem of mass crowd control instead of learning. But does teach him to get along with a wider variety of people. The government school is literally a "school of hard knocks" - and although thousands of kids do OK in them it will be a rude awakening for him. He's at that hormonal teen stage, where depression arises easily and insecurities reign - do I really want to feed that and make it worse?

There's the art school. Not an option, in spite of initial rave reviews and options for future study. With all due respect to arty folk, it's a bad bunch that hang out there and I don't want him getting involved with the drugs and stuff that are freely being used. He's also not passionate enough to go arty full-time, nor does he have the skill most of the kids there do (though everyone has to start somewhere).

There's the home school option. And amazingly there are many options for home schooling in the area, and in South Africa. There's quite a wide support base with a pool of experience and knowledge available - but a few pitfalls too. Like having to register with the government as a home schooler, and associated drama. Add in the fact that the kid comes home from school and disappears into his room on his computer, only emerging for meals and pee-breaks, or to occasionally help when summoned. He's getting a bit better, but it's all too easy for him to slip into hermit mode and never leave his room! So part of the whole home-schooling thing would be a plan to socialize - to join the karate classes, or the surf club, or go play golf, or take photography lessons/outings. Or even do a single class with the current high school on a part-time basis (though not sure they'd agree to that).

With the home schooling option he could get through his schooling as quickly as he wants to, register for exams and get his certificate - then go out into the wide world to experience life. He'd also get a chance to learn what the real world is about through how education in that system works. It ties in to the ideals I've had with wanting to take him travelling - and there's a chance he'll get a bit of travel in too, as he's due to go whale-shark diving in Australia for Mandy's birthday next year. I want to send him off backpacking Australia for 6 months when he's old enough too. Get him out there to see what the world's all about - which one can't do tied to a desk with a school uniform on.

Which is where unschool comes in. Skills learnt according to interest, interaction and involvement, a natural falling-in-to-society that happens as kids discover their place in the world and start making their lives work within that framework. It's a dangerous, scary journey to those who follow societal expectations of school/uni/job/climb corporate ladder/retire. It flies in the face of all that, but provides life skills far above what a classroom can do. Part of the learning curve involves the concept of apprenticeship instead of / together with further study - which fits in well with just about all the other options too. Yet see the "motivation and hermitation" worries above.

So all this is busy mulling around my skull. I've been talking to Favourite Man, bouncing ideas off him and getting his input. I've been talking to the kid, trying to get an idea of how he sees things and what he feels. I've been examining all the angles, all the options. But as yet, there's no direction. It's simply a work in progress.

Moms and Sons

It's now that the uncertainties kick in. I think I've done pretty well as a single mom up to now, but the teen years have hit.

I'm watching the hair grow on my son's upper lip - and although it's mere peach fuzz, the day is coming when he'll have to take up razor and Prep (or whatever) and rake it off.

Except...

I have no idea how to teach a son to shave his face. Legs, underarms and other bits yes. Face - nope.

Nor do I know how to teach him about Becoming A Man. I've never been one myself, and although I know a few good men I couldn't say what he needs to learn to become one.

I can give him a girl's perspective on growing up - I cannot give him a guy's perspective.

What I know about body changes in boys is minimal, no matter what I trawl up on the internet. What I know about emotional changes is even less - heck, when I was that age I was too focussed on my own teen issues to observe and learn what was going on in the guys!

So here's where it gets difficult. And I'm gritting my teeth ahead of the next few years...

Surprise!

The kid was home alone for the first time today in the new house. Dad kinda moved with us last week.. :-) But dad's with the brothers this week. Of course, new neighbourhood and not much to do. Internet is still to be installed, he's beaten all his PS2 and PC games - a couple times over.

So he watched some Dr Phil (!) and Days of our Lives (!) - before he ended up on a "date" with two chicks (!!).

OK, let me start at the beginning.

Yesterday he and my dad went with a friend of dad's to Cape Town to go ice-skating. Her granddaughters were along too, and one other loose attachment (baby brother?) - so quite the crowd. They also went to a movie and grabbed supper (which means the supper I made last night ended up uneaten...). They had an absolute ball and got on like a house on fire. One girl is a grade above him, the other probably a grade below him.

So today the girls decide it's movie weather, and perhaps J would like to join them? I got a call from granny on the cellphone, but J doesn't have a phone here (and, amazingly, no cellphone neither - in this day and age!), so I told her to take a chance and drop by. Hoping the kid was at the VERY least dressed.. :-)

They did - picked him up, took him off (with the house keys - which star shortly in this story) and entertained him with DVDs all afternoon. Meanwhile I arrived home around 5, waiting for the kid to get home (granny said she'd drop him off). At 6:30 my cellphone rings and granny's on the line - please can I come get Jason, she's going out. Now it's just after sunset, I've been reading in the car for an hour and a half (thank goodness for my emergency Reader's Digest Condensed Book in the cubby!), and my car Has No Lights. It's getting dark. So I dash through the back streets, hitting every out-for-a-drive driver in the place (or rather being stuck behind them), and get there in serious dusk. Greet great-gran (who wants to chat - sorry, gotta run), meet the chicks and the bouncing-around boy-kid, stuff my teen in the car and race home, holding the lights on brights (only way they work, makes turning and changing gears interesting), but watching them and the dash lights slowly fade away..... until near darkness once home! Serious issues there. Hope the car starts tomorrow - and again, thank goodness for a spare one of those just in case.

So finally it's 7, pitch dark, we're home, I can go pee at last, the house is opened etc.

And then the kid tells me what ELSE he's done with his day.

He got SO bored he CLEANED THE ENTIRE HOUSE! He washed all the bathrooms, basins, taps, the kitchen sink and surrounds, swept the floors, WASHED THE WINDOWS (well, tried to) upstairs, cleared out the last of the unpacked boxes in his room, chucked out the junk...

SJOE! I think I should leave him home and bored more often. In the meantime I've shown him where the vacuum, the sponge mop and bucket and extra paper towels are.. ;-) I've also managed to arrange that he keep the house clean in exchange for his allowance going up.

Then more suprises. He reckons he can WALK the 4km THROUGH TOWN to go visit his new chick friends! This from a couch potato. He says he now knows the way, and will need a cellphone. As I've been wheedled into getting one with MMS and other fancy things (shortly), I think that's doable. He can have my old one, which is on prepaid and which he can top up from his allowance - and I can go fancy. I'm also going to need to cut another set of keys.

Anyhoo, he and his two chick friends are off to Century City in Cape Town on Friday. The kid is finally getting a social life. Getting off the couch, away from the computer, and doing stuff!

Between that and the house-cleaning I'm completely blown away...

Educating the Son

An article on AskMen.com mentioned good manners and chivalry when it comes to dating. And reminded me of a conversation I had with my son this weekend.

I may not be able to teach him some things (like shaving his face) easily, but one thing I can do is help him stand out from the crowd when it comes time to get into the dating scene. Being a chick, I know what girls like, and what kind of things make a bloke different in a good way. Much of it does have to do with the chivalry/good manners mentioned in the article above.

Although it's not expected these days, it's nice to have the door opened for you (when it comes to cars, I reciprocate by leaning over and opening his door for him before he gets there - much to the surprise of some! :-) ), to be treated with respect and consideration. It's small things that make you feel special - and those I can pass on to my son. Instead of the bumbling, lumbering, awkward teen stuff, perhaps I can guide him toward confidence and "mindful" dating - doing those little things that make all the difference.

Lucky for him, I also possess a girl's mind - so can interpret a lot of the mixed signals teen girls tend to give out.. :-)

He hasn't yet shown an interest in getting a girlfriend, though I can see he's thinking about it. Many of his friends are already hanging out with arms around some chick or other, but he's a "late bloomer". Perhaps if he didn't spen quite so much time on the computer..? :-) I suspect once school starts up again - high school years - we'll see a few changes. I only hope he'll still feel he can talk to me about anything and everything then.

Surviving the Teen Years

I hope my son survives the teen years. Not because of any teen angst or raging hormones. Oh no - I hope he survives me!

He's been going out of his way to irritate the heck out of me lately. He discovered long ago that I hate the whiney voice that moans and begs - so now he uses it constantly, no matter what he's saying. And he doesn't say that much. But more and more what he does say is also irritating me - it's one moany whine after another, nothing serious, but just the kind of thing that makes me want to grind my teeth or move out.

Tonight he was going on about something I had no control over, just because he could - a video disk didn't want to play on either of our computers, so he upped the "why" factor in his nasal tone and kept at it until I was ready to shout at him, adding in moans over supper and why it wasn't ready yet (when he chose to have breakfast at lunchtime and then not have lunch at all). I didn't shout at him - but I was so close.

I think I've bred a monster too... It's been easier for me to simply do stuff than to goad and prod him into helping - so I've ended up doing everything. He has basically no chores (my bad), expects meals and stuff to just come to him, and spends his entire day sitting on his butt ordering things. OK - to be fair, he does get helpful now and then, but not that often. I've tried to bribe him with an allowance increase, I've left things to fester (literally - like his toy piles and shoes in the corner), I've asked nicely, I've asked not so nicely. Sometimes things get done, sometimes they simply don't. And I end up p'd off. (On a side note, our neighbour and IT guy mentioned that if he cleaned the space next to the computer, he'd have more room for gaming stuff - it was done within minutes! I have a good mind to give our IT guy a list of other things I want done... :-) )

Unfortunately for all involved we're merely starting out with this whole teen thing. He's just turned 13 6 months ago and we have a loooonnng road ahead still. These are still mini-tremors, the big one/s are on their way.

Tonight I'm wondering how I'm going to cope. I've had it quite easy up to now - no messy divorce or custody battles, no real hassles with him, nothing. We've had a good understanding and gotten along more as equals than parent/son. Now he's testing his boundaries, and I hope he doesn't flatten me in the process.

Or me him...