Of Church and Duty

I was on worship team duty for the Sunday morning service yesterday. Being the Sunday after Christmas, a smallish crowd was expected. The "leftovers" were leading worship (an elderly couple who first started the worship team, but are generally sidelined in favour of more hip leaders...). I felt like a babe in the manger behind my keyboard - I brought the average worship team age down considerably. I had to quickly learn some very old choruses I'd never heard of too. (One day I might blog on the joys of having to fit into a new church culture - songs you grew up with that another church knows nothing about)

I don't know why, but I get really depressed at the morning service. It's a family service I guess, where the oldies and families reign and the first 5 rows are empty - the youth rule there, but only turn up for the evening service. After a year and a half at this church, I still don't know many folk. Perhaps I get depressed because I don't quite fit in, even now. Perhaps it's something else completely.

Yesterday I started feeling that dark cloud coming on right after practice, while we were hanging around backstage and getting ready for a time of prayer. I had a hard time feeling like I wanted to be there. Although everyone else was worshipping, I couldn't connect and just couldn't care. Apathy, I think that's the word.

I managed to get out of playing for the closing song, because I didn't know it, it was an old hymn, they changed the key and I couldn't get the hang of it - or at least those were my excuses.

I played, I did my thing, I got through the worship section of the service. But as the worship team left the stage I just kept on walking, all the way out. I couldn't take it anymore and didn't even feel like sticking around to hear what "The Three Christmases" sermon was all about, or find out if there was a blessing hiding there somewhere. I got straight into my car and went home.

I don't know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. Perhaps all my thoughts on being church have put me off doing it. Maybe I need a break from routine - but then again I'm reminded of an article I read a while ago, that you have to stick it out in uncomfortable situations in order to grow and learn.

I just don't know. Can't figure it out. But did get a bigger blessing among the roses of SuperPlants (big garden shop) later in the day than the entire few hours at church. Got some serious thinking to do about where to from here.