Masturbation for Teens

I don't usually watch Oprah, but had the TV on while cooking a day or two ago, and picked up the middle of a show on talking to your daughters about sex. I just missed the 10 year old being told the mechanics, and tuned in to hear the expert telling the audience something that had them aghast.

She reckons you need to tell your teen daughters about masturbation, self-pleasure and how to discover your sexual responses before they start dating. That way, when they start to get hot and heavy with a guy, they'll not only know what they're feeling, why they're feeling it and where it could potentially go, but they will be able to say "stop" - and if necessary go sort out their sexual frustration on their own later. It's a way of empowering themselves as women, knowing they don't have to depend on a guy to give them pleasure - or simply being able to take control of their own responses.

Now most moms I know have never had their moms tell them anything like this - and there was considerable outrage from those present at this blatant going-against-the-norm advice. It's bad enough that you have to sex-educate your kids - but this???!!!!??? Where does this leave talk of abstinence, "sex is bad" and all the other things that tend to be pushed to the fore, either consciously or subconsciously?

Of course that in turn opens a whole can of worms as to what the moms actually know about masturbation - and whether they're comfortable enough to pass that knowledge on. (I know my mom never mentioned it - it just "wasn't done") Oprah's all about empowerment - but is this taking it too far?

Maybe I'm too open-minded, but that advice makes sense in a weird way. If you know what to expect and how to control yourself in spite of raging hormones, you're less likely to end up in a sticky situation. Yet... how much is too much information - and at what age? It's a scientific fact that masturbation is a natural activity - unborn babies in the womb do it, little kids soon discover what feels nice (and are promptly told "that's nasty, don't do it!", leading to years of issues surrounding sexuality...). Perhaps being open enough to discuss the whys, hows and wherefores is a good thing?

I dunno. What are your thoughts?

And why is all this sensitivity around the subject only applicable to daughters? :-)

Spare the rod...

I know there's going to be fallout from posting this, but it's a must-read. :-)

Why?

Why do people do things like this and this?

I sommer want to cry now.

To-do

There's the official Work To-Do List.

There's the unofficial Everything Else To-Do List.

And then there's the What-if List.

A week or two back my son told me "I'm moving out". This, at age 14. He thinks his life is hard and terrible and all that stuff that afflicts teens. He has no idea... Needless to say he's still at home.

And then a day or two later he started to ask about travel. About going to see places and things, going to try out a few new experiences, look at locations we've talked about and seen on TV. This, at age 14. And most likely inspired by this amazing woman, who has done what many only dream about. A chick the kid TOTALLY respects and is in awe of.

Anyway...

We recently applied to renew his passport, as it was about to expire. That should be here in the next few weeks. He's been invited to Australia to go on a big adventure mid-year-ish by the cool chick mentioned above, and I've been pondering for ages the option of sending him off to explore the world with a backpack when he turns 16.

But at age 14, at age 15? That seems a bit young! Or am I just being a protective molly-coddling mom?

I know he's not properly equipped to handle alone-travel yet. There are things I need to teach him about. He needs to understand how the world outside the gate works, and that sometimes it's going to be very very tough. He needs survival strategies and knowledge. But he has an innate sense of adventure hiding under many many layers, a curiousity about the world. He likes to make everyone believe that he just wants to sit in his room in the dark and wait for internet access (he's still internetless - and it's got him doing other things like learning Flash!).

I know better - hey, I'm his mom! :-) I know he's shy - but he wants to get out there. I know he's scared - but he wants to experience everything, everywhere. I know - because I faced down the same stuff.

So... back to that to-do list.

Today I did a bit of trawling with regard to round-the-world tickets. Costs, stop-overs, possibilities. I'm not about to drop him off at the airport just yet, but I've started to think of world-education options. And I've got a few steps starting to take shape in my head, to prepare him for his Big Adventure Out There.

The boring to-do lists? Sometimes they need a few minutes to the side while I explore the more exciting stuff.

To the rescue!

I'm off on a basic first-aid course, work-organized, tomorrow. I've arranged to take my son with me. Home education takes many forms! And life-skills forms a very big part of that.

So tomorrow morning, and for the next 3 days, we're going to be learning how to do the very basics of injury treatment and life-saving. We'll (hopefully) come out the other side with a certificate each and some decent practical knowledge.

Watch this space...

---

On a related note - the "preparing for life" is a big part of what I'm trying to achieve with my son's home-schooling experience. Favourite Man has been giving him bits of man-knowledge along the way - I've been trying to get a few other home-knowledge things in to his head. But we're only just getting started. There's still a lot to accomplish on the learning front, and I'm still in negotiations with two institutions regarding his formal education.

I think slowly his brain is starting to wake up - that he's starting to understand how life around him works and dream of what can be. Some may not see progress, but I do - in the little things he says and does. So I have hope that this will work out, that he will learn all I want him to learn to make a success of his life. And the quest to ensure that happens continues daily.

In the driver's seat

Favourite Man and I got chatting about the kid yesterday - and in particular his life-skills and social coping mechanisms (most of which leave much to be desired, but are being tackled bit by bit). Well, FMan decided it was time for a bit of a learning curve.

Earlier in the day he'd helped the boy get his online banking access sorted out - after the usual struggle with numbskull institutions. The kid had sorted his passwords and how to access his account, we'd both checked that transfers of cash worked, and that was the first big educational experience of the day done.

Next though was an entirely different challenge.

FMan's current vehicle is a Land Rover Discovery 2 TD5 Automatic. Very comfy truck, easy to drive, goes smoothly in spite of a few engine niggles. Well, we loaded up the kid and headed off to a new complex-in-progress nearby. They've put in the roads, but not much else. We've often gone there for some peace, quiet and sweeping views of sunsets. Yesterday, however, was for something new.

With some serious coaxing and downright ordering, we stuck the kid in the front seat. In the DRIVER'S seat. Adjusted the sunshades so he couldn't use the "sun's in my eyes" excuse, stuck my sunglasses on his face, and FMan proceded to educate him in the uses of various pedals and levers required to get the truck to move in any direction.

He will be getting his license on a manual transmission, but auotmatic is a good choice for learning how pedal and steering wheel react to pressure/movement, so we battled the initial resistance and grumpy face at having to do something new, and off he went. Slowly. FMan had plotted a route - straight first, then a left turn down a steep hill, around the corner at the bottom and up another steep hill, turning right to get back to where we'd started, then turning the truck around to face in the original direction. No traffic to worry about, no-one else around.

And the kid did it! He took the first two turns a little sharply, but he managed to keep going in a good line, hit the accelerator sufficiently to make it back up the hill, and didn't give us whiplash with brake manipulation.

Yes, he's only 14 (turns 15 in June) - but hey, wouldn't you want to learn to drive earlier rather than later? Wouldn't you rather hit your driver's test knowing what you're doing than fresh out of driving school and still sweaty-palmed?

So it's started - the driving lessons are underway. A lot more practice will happen on the automatic while we ponder where to get a small, reliable manual for him to fiddle with. And then, if he's really good, it's on to Olivia! :-)

Remote-school

This is the year of the Big Experiment. Home school. In South African terms... EISH...!

My son is supposed to be starting in on the GCSE (UK) system, but I'm having hassles getting the info out of the local suppliers of study materials. He's supposed to write exams mid-2009, and has to fit 2 years of study into 18 months, so we're already behind on this one. Having to "wait for word from London" while their entire staff sits on a training session in Spain isn't helping.

In the meantime though, the kid needs to get stuff into his brain. While his friends sit in a classroom, he needs to be doing more than playing Flyff online and waking up at 10 to wander around in an unwashed stupor. So this week I've been setting him tasks every day via email from work.

Remote-schooling, if you will.

I'll send through about 5 things for him to do, with a bit of variety. He's done some reading of books I have at home (Readers Digest Condensed Books, "Three Men in a Boat" etc), he's done some online research, he's done housework, and personal hygiene, he's done pet-care. OK, some of those are a "you'd better do this as a decent human and part of the home" things - but in the world of home-schooling, they count as real-world education. We've done basic math while doing a shopping run - calculating how much cash we'll have to fork over at the till, what the best bargain per weight/volume is, and whether we can afford to buy one thing over another on a limited budget. He's had PT walking to the nearby shop for an experiment ingredient and carrying the groceries :-) OK, it's not that much exercise, but we're only starting out.

The thing with home-schooling is this, especially while awaiting formal schooling materials. Home-schoolers need a portfolio to prove that they've been learning instead of simply sitting around idly. Documenting his experiment this week is part of that. Listing books read adds to it too. We've got him watching the news every night for economics, history, geography and current events. There's talk of making cooking compulsory as learning in the UK - well, he'll be helping more with meals. I've booked him in to join me on a First Aid basics course next month. I'm grabbing "Romeo and Juliet" (the modern one with the old English - Leonardo DiCaprio etc) for him to watch and report back on - along with other classics already lying around the house (Gone with the Wind, Ben Hur, The Birds...). I plan to drag him off on a roadtrip or two and he is scheduled for a journey overseas this year (Without school terms to worry about, it's great! Wonder how long his gramps / cool aunty-friend want to keep him for.. M - can you send him walkabout with the locals? ;-) ).

He's got Favourite Man keeping an eye on him while I'm at work - which is a huge help. I get inside info if things aren't happening and can put in a quiet word or three to move them along. Favourite Man knows Things about Things too, and bit by bit the kid's absorbing knowledge (even if he doesn't look like it).

OK, it's a bit of an uphill battle at the moment. There's the whole teens & hormones thing to deal with along with the learning curve of making home-school happen. We still have to socialize him decently. We still have to work out a lot of other things. But I'm hopeful and optimistic that it can be done. Learning is really fun if you find a way to do it outside of being told how, and I think the kid's starting to see that.

Yes, there's more effort needed on both my part and his. And this isn't "official" school in the formal sense of the word. But he's learning, nonetheless. He's starting to get the right idea of how this has to happen.

Deep breath, holding thumbs - and let's see where it goes.

::update::
Funny how just when you think it's working... Seems I have more work ahead of me than I'd hoped.