Flashback

A couple of days ago I picked up a few avocado pears at the grocery shop. There are usually two varieties on sale - one has rough skin that goes nearly black when ripe, the other is elongated with smooth skin and looks like this:


Holding it in my hand, I had an immediate flashback to this place:


This was the last house we lived in before we moved from Zimbabwe to South Africa.  Situated in the leafy suburbs of Harare, it was on (by South African standards) a huge property.  This photo is taken from half-way up the drive at the front.  At the back there was the same size land, which housed a free-standing garage and granny-flat, and enough soil to keep a decent veggie and mealie field going.

As to the avos, we had three trees of this exact variety, bearing what seemed to be year-round.  The dog you see in the pic is Laddie, and we had so many of the things that he'd eat the ripe ones that fell off the tree as snacks.  You can see one of the trees behind the roofline.  Another was outside the back door, providing easy access to the roof via a long curved branch.  That same branch was thick enough for a low swing support.  I still have a scar on my hand where I sat beneath it's shade, carving a piece of soapstone with my pocket knife - that slipped and ended up embedded in my palm.  The third tree is out of picture to the left, up against the property line on the streetfront in a mini forest of other trees.  The shade you see on the lawn was from a gigantic lucky-bean tree, often visited by purple-crested louries.  I treasured their jewel-hue feathers that on rare occasions made it to ground level.

My room was behind the bouganvilla pictured.  It was the first bedroom I got to decorate myself, and had a Japanese theme.  I painted the globe paper light shade with cherry blossoms to match my duvet cover and curtains.  A long parquet-floor passage led from the lounge at right to the parent's room at left.  We'd "skate" down it in our socks, landing on the flokati rug in the lounge.  The rug that had a horrible habit of hiding lost Lego pieces in its pile and popping them into bare feet undersides at unexpected times. 

The lounge window unfortunately attracted its fair share of doves slamming into it.  One hit with such force that it's crop split open and it's last meal of mealie pits fell out.  We had to put it out of its misery...

At the back of the house, we once had a friend-of-a-friend ask to store a wooden tea crate for a few weeks.  When he returned to collect it, he started taking his car apart - and hiding semi-precious tumbled gemstones in every available panel and floor recess for "export"!  What he didn't get was the handgun my dad had discovered when investigating what exactly we were storing, which was thrown into Lake McIlwain (now Lake Chivero) outside Harare.  Dad was taking no chances.

The granny flat beside the garage housed our house/cook/garden boy, a wonderful old true gentleman with pitch black biltong-dry skin by the name of Tobias.  He was our "grandfather", our wise man when we as kids wanted advice, a much loved part of our household who turned sanction-time rations into fantastic meals.  When we moved to South Africa, Tobias cried as we drove away - as did all of us.

Across the road lived one of those spinsters one sometimes finds in Africa.  A rebel as a young woman, she had hitched a ride with soldiers across the desert in the second World War, been to India, travelled Africa, seen America and the Far East.  She had a house full of curiousities and so many fascinating stories to tell over an afternoon cup of tea with her gangly-legged young neighbour.  I think it was her stories that instilled a hankering for seeing the world and boldly adventuring, which I still bear today.

Next to us was an Afrikaans man who loved his boxing.  Every Friday night we'd hear him yelling at the TV to "vat hom!".  He had a stand of bamboo that bordered our property, and made the most wonderful charred-wood-patterned vases from it, one of which ended up travelling south with us. 

A few years after we left, we heard that a nurse had moved into that house.  She did not like trees.  She thought shade was unhealthy and that germs were best burnt by the harsh African sun into submission.  She had the avo trees felled, the giant lucky-bean tree, the ornamental cherries to the side, the mini forest, and the camel foot flowering trees along the drive.

End of an era....

Voice

3016 posts ago I started this blog (give or take a few lurking drafts yet to make their appearance).

I started it because I was working in an extremely patriarchial work-place where women didn't get much notice, and definitely didn't have a voice.  I was tired of never being heard, of my opinion simply not mattering because of what I had (or didn't have) between my legs.  Blogging was finally a way for me to say what I really thought, what mattered to me - and to my absolute amazement, there were people who thought what I had to say was worthwhile.  After many years of voice-suppression it was as if a light came on.  I may still not have had a voice in the workplace, but I had one in cyberspace, one that fed my inner self-confidence and took me places beyond my wildest imaginations.

That brought me to here.  Now.

Yet sometimes, lately, it feels as if my voice has been stilled again.  This blog does not get updated very regularly.  I often fear judgement so keep my thoughts to myself in case they offend.  Encountering people and businesses that refuse to listen to a mere woman drives me back into that quiet corner again.  Trying to voice an opinion or lead a business - having the opinion shot down or shut up and my gut feel questioned - it's shadows of that past come back to haunt me, to tempt me into my silent shell once more.  Where it's safe, but very very quiet.

My logical self says I'm making a success of where I am now (mostly), that I've made huge strides forward in life and I'm not done yet.  My brain-voice says I'm constantly failing, and not to make it worse by putting forth what's going on inside.  The lost little girl type in me still fears rejection by those who mean the world to me, and strives to do everything just right, to not be a disappointment.  And those whispering thoughts clamour to sway me into thinking my voice, after all, really does not matter one tiny little bit.

My voice has had it rough recently.  I'm struggling to maintain a clear, level-headed, practical and confident attitude that can carry me through a very rough inner patch.  There are days (like today) where it all seems to crumble again.  Days where I'm tired, and emotionally beaten up, and longing for a break in the routine, a get-away-from-it-all holiday, less ongoing crap, more of what I dream about, much more of what and who I want to really be....

Perhaps it's times like this where I need to once again find my cybervoice, and not be too concerned if my everyday voice is routinely ignored.

Abundance

The trouble with Random Gardening* is this:

Granadilla plant taking over the washing line and heading toward the neighbours.



Watermelon growing in the middle of the ground cover under the washing line.




Tomatoes producing furiously under the lavender.  Best tasting tomatoes I've had in years.



Avo tree growing mid-ornamentals (not shown - second avo tree struggling along under tomato monster).


And the "official" rosemary bush in a pot trying to outdo them all!  While a pineapple top tries to break through on one side with a peppadew plant on the other.



After a few weeks of heat we've had some awesome rain today - the plants are loving it.


Not shown (yet) is the piece of sprouting ginger due to come up next to the avo, the 3 sprouting potatoes behind the fern that have probably started a new sprouting crop when not harvested, and the masses of Chinese Garlic Chives whose seeds have spread from pot to pot and pot to ground.  Yes, there are a couple of weeds that need my attention, but right now my little patch of soil is abundance personified.  Love it.

*Random Gardening:  the practice of throwing leftover salad, peelings, old potatoes, apple/avo/green pepper etc seeds, fruit offcuts and the scrapings off the veggie chopping board into the garden as "compost".  If it's meant to grow there, it will grow - and how!  If it doesn't germinate, or gets attacked by insect invaders, it wasn't meant to be there / grow near the other thing growing there as a companion plant.



Inspiration

For many years I've had an "Eyecandy and Ideas" photos folder stashed away on my computer.  When I see something I like in the home / garden / lifestyle line, I save it there.

This morning, with a little time on my hands, I opened up that folder and started scrolling.

I've come to two conclusions:

1.  My taste has not changed over the years - the basics are still there, all natural neutral colours and tactile textures.

2.  Nearly every single photo has wood or stone or some other natural material in it, along with a healthy sprinkling of light and greenery.



(credit unknown on this image)

I guess I know where I should be headed this year as I rework our living space! :-)

Reworking both our living space and our quality of life is high-priority this year for me.  I've been doing a lot of thinking, plotting and scheming over the past month - my brain turning over many stones that have been of the stumbling variety in 2012, to see what I can make of them in 2013.  Some of them have bugs crawling under them that I've had to face down and squash - those niggling fears that I can't achieve what I want to, the way I want to, and in the timeframe I've set myself.

But now I'm building things out of the stones, and using inspiration from images I've gathered over the years to kick-start it.  I'm facing down 2013 with a lot of determination to get it right.  I've spent the past few years surviving as we got two businesses off the ground.  Finances have been extremely tight.  This year that changes, I'm determined to make it happen.

However, if you want change you need to know where you're headed - you have to have a definitive goal in mind or you'll never reach it.  And that's where this morning's exercise in inspiration applies.  Still seeking serenity, surrounding myself with an environment conducive to it, one that allows me to not get bogged down but to fly - that's where I'm headed this year.

Track 'n trace

Jason, The Kid, has just arrived in Pretoria, a day's journey by bus away.  He's off to my grandpa's farm for a month or three - both as an internet "detox" session, and to see what the wider world out there might hold for him offline.

He's facing down a complete change from the techno-rich household he's lived in for a few years now.  Being in the wireless internet / e-waste recycling line of things, you can imagine that gadgets, online connectedness and computer variants can be found all over the place here.  They're part of our daily lives - from being able to hop from one of our hotspots to the next to check email on Favourite Man's iPhone via wifi, to each having an IP phone to hand upstairs and down - bedroom, lounge, desks.  Next to me is a pile of 4 laptops - two each for Favourite Man and myself.  Jason's taken his with him, but left his self-built desktop and e-waste LCD screen here, along with his almost-always-on internet access.  There are more LCD screens within my reach - three for machine building/testing, three on the desk for computer and system monitoring use.  There are computers in the spare bathroom awaiting a rebuild, routerboards in a box on the workbench, three switches and an access point ready to go.  The little network cabinet to my left has nearly every light lit up with the 16 network points scattered throughout our 2-bedroom house.  We're linked in, linked up, logged in and logging everything that happens on the many systems administered.  We can run the home theater pc from the HTC phone while sitting outside.  We can remotely turn on and off power at sites a few towns away with a cellphone, or see if someone opens a door.  Heck, we even have a Windows Vista Home Basic sticker on our recycled espresso machine - although admittedly that's a bit of an inside joke, and is just there for show, as it was peeled off something else we upgraded. :-)  The dog will probably come with a wifi sticker once we figure out how to remotely monitor and remove his daily ablutions....

And that's just home!

We have datacentres, high sites and hotspots all over the place, each running their own technology and tied in to our broader system.  If something goes down, we know about it and have most likely fixed it before any of our customers have an inkling of what's happened.

In Olivia the Landy, there's a tracking device installed by my previous employer - MiX Telematics.  It's pretty handy:  if one of us is out on the road and the other one needs to reach you, you simply open up the web interface (or iPhone app) and check to see where the vehicle is (not easy to run and hide in this household!).

And right now I wish The Kid had one of those tracker things installed.

I'm missing being able to check in on where he is and know he's safe.  Call it empty nest syndrome, or merely a mom being a mom.  We've been in SMS contact all during his journey.  When he got to the end of it his cell battery was going, and for an hour after his scheduled time of arrival I had no idea whether they'd made it or not.  Whether he'd kept an eye on his offloaded luggage, been met by a relative, and was on his way to the farm - or whether something had happened between the "in Joburg" SMS and 2:30's Pretoria Station stop.  Thankfully he seems to have found enough battery power to send a quick "Here and Prix says hi", so all is well.

Still, the curious, protective mom in me would love to have an interactive live map handy to know how close he is now to the farm he last saw when he was 5, and where his big adventure is about to take off...

Status Update

We have landed running this year - there's been no time to blog, no time to note the events on paper or online as they slam into us and rush on by.  But yes - I'm still alive.  Here's a post as proof.

We have a new addition to the home - an espresso machine.  It was recycled into a load of e-waste but is still in perfect working condition, so in the spirit of Reduce Re-Use Recycle - we're re-using! :-)  It's an older model, and has taken a day or two to get the hang of things, but we're managing to churn out lekker cappuccinos to fill that craving for decent coffee on a daily basis.  In fact, I have just managed to make the perfect cup for my breakfast.  Barrista is in the house!

And business is running.  Literally running.  Although we had no real break over the festive season, when doors "officially" opened on 3 January, we did more business in the first week than we had in the entire month of December.  And it simply hasn't let up.  There's no such thing as a weekend.  There's barely something that looks like sleep.  We have some really big projects on the go, as well as new clients signing up daily - all of which require both delicate technical work and take-a-drill-to-the-wall labour.  I've put up a considerable number of antennas this year, climbed towers small and tall, crawled around in interesting ceilings and been the Voice On The Phone for our clients.  In between all that I've built a computer or forty, handled many loads of e-waste, driven long hours and hundreds of kms in Olivia the Landy, and still fitted in the most basic of household duties.  There's a lot more I'd like to do on the home front, but most nights I'm lucky if I get supper served before 9pm!  We've gone too many days without a decent lunch, often had too little water to drink while out on site, and the groceries are a mad dash around the shops before they close or between jobs.  It's not ideal - but it's what it is.  While I'm coping with that lot, the boys also have their challenges.  As I type this (at 7am) they're on a mountain and half way through one of the day's big jobs on a high site.  We're in the process of moving to a vastly improved internet connection for our clients - which means the occasional equipment upgrade or tweak.  Tweaking and upgrading is currently in progress :-)  Unfortunately it comes with the associated really early morning, which one boy bitterly complained about and the other took with an overwhelming desire to rather be back in bed.  Eish, the things we do to keep our customers happy.  I'm not sure any of them realize the effort required in ensuring when they press "play" on the internet, it not only does something, but does it extremely well.



Back to the home front.  Didi the dog is no longer a puppy.  Born in November 1997, he's rapidly heading to elderly status.  And in recent months he's almost shuffled off this mortal coil.  He came down with a cough that got worse - and then when we aquired Codiene-based cough mixture for it, he became addicted to the stuff!  He'd stand around coughing just to get dosed.  And when we didn't comply, he then started coughing for attention.  All this fake-coughing actually made him pretty ill and there was one particular night where I was already planning where I'd bury him...  However, rumours of his death were apparently greatly exaggerated - and for the past week he's actually been bouncing around like a puppy.  I partially blame the full moon.  He sleeps all day, and when the cool of the evening plus the moon make their appearance, he's off.  Running around, wagging what's left of his docked tail (unfortunately we got him like that), "sharking" in the kitchen for offcuts, head-butting legs for scratches and generally being a maniac.  He's not done yet.



Also on the home front, now that we're in a house that actually has a bit of real soil in the yard (instead of everything being bricked up front and back), I thought I'd try my hand at a some food production.  After I'd ripped out the ridiculous inappropriate "ground cover" the owners had hurridly planted between the pavers out back before advertising the place of course - which was a succulent that took over the yard.   I replaced that with proper ground cover, some low-growing thyme and a row of chammomile against the wall - then threw bean seeds into a sunny location, couple of spinach seeds elsewhere and sat back to see what would happen.  The garden has a spray-irrigation system which my herbs in pots were loving - and pretty soon the rest of the stuff started to grow.  Including a gigantic tomato plant in the middle of the arums thanks to my usual practice of composting veggie offcuts by throwing them into the garden.  It's called "random gardening" and where I lived a couple of years ago I used to harvest all sorts of interesting things that came up in the ferns :-)  The theory of random gardening is that companion plants will grow well together, things that like the particular location will also grow well - and everything else will serve as nutrient fodder.  Well, the beans came up, the spinach did too - and the caterpillars arrived to eat the spinach and chammomile.  They got posted over the wall to the greater outdoors, never to return.  But once I got them under control the snails moved in.  Fought them off too.  And then, a week or so ago, when we were sweltering in 48 degree heat, I went out to slave away - and for 3 days didn't water the garden.  Upon which the red spider mites went "YAY!" and moved in to the tomato plant...  I think I may have subdued them but they've left a sorry looking plant behind.  I have no idea if it will recover.  And in those three days of no water, the beans shrivelled up and croaked.  We at least got one good meal out of the 8 plants though - and what came off the bush straight into the pot was a whole lot tastier than the make-up-the-volume store-bought beans added at the same time.  As for the spinach - one plant grew in the sun, the rest were planted in too much shade it seems.  They never really made it past infancy before the snails took them out permanently.



Then there's all the small stuff that happens day-to-day that I'd love to blog about, simply to have a record of it as my now-40-year-old-brain slows down :-)  Things like Favourite Man's foray into the world of Apple with an iPhone.  My son's immediate future plans - and an adventure coming up he as yet knows nothing about.  Thoughts on my grandfather's farm (sorry Favourite Man - "plot"), which has been on my mind a lot recently.  Adventures and discoveries, challenges and discouragements.

But life marches on, and time to blog is at a minimum.  In fact, it's time now to get going with the rest of the day's tasks.

Friday.  Apparently.

Much like 39

Last week I made the mistake of watching "What Not To Wear" over breakfast - the mistake being that they were doing over a 40 year old chick who owns her own business.  As I have a mere 2 days left of 39 and also own a business or two, that piqued my interest, so I settled in.

And the chick came out the other end stunning.

Which is something all us chicks secretly aspire to, whether we say so or not.

This week I went shopping for a little black dress.  Favourite Man has something special planned for my birthday which requires dressing up and going out on the town - two things we don't do very often, so much so that I actually haven't owned a dress or a skirt in 3 years or more.  I found my dress, but also realized that unless you have the WNTW team paying for your shopping spree, any physical upgrade doesn't come cheap.  It took me a day or two to get up the courage to pay for said LBD, although in the grand scheme of things it probably wasn't the most expensive item on the rack.  I then went shopping for appropriate heels and stuff - but simply couldn't get up the courage to pay for anything more that day, knowing that there are still practical things like groceries, fuel and business expenses to cover, as well as Xmas looming large.

Which brings me to a couple of dilemmas when it comes to my desire to be better at 40.

Firstly there's the whole ageing thing.  Changing room mirrors love to tell you how badly things are bumping, lumping, drooping or sagging - and my shopping expedition has shown me just how old I'm getting. 



Next there's cash.  If I'm ever to upgrade how I look it's going to cost me.  A lot.  And I'm not the type to throw money at frivolities if there's better places to invest it, with longer-term rewards (such as keeping us alive or growing the business).  As a quick indication of some basics:
  • Underwear starts at over R100 for a basic bra and around the same for decent panties.  Head into WonderBra territory and we're hitting around R300.  For one item.
  • Want a shirt?  Fork over R150+, even at the cheap shop.  Plain t-shirt?  Around R60 if you want something that won't wear out in a month.  And if you're investing in clothes, they really shouldn't wear out in a month, so you can't shop at the cheap shop.
  • Jeans - unless you buy them at Pick 'n Pay (which I do, because they fit well and are comfortable and cost R110), you can expect upward of R300 at Woolies.
  • Other pants - eish.  (Yet I hear jeans are not the thing for a 40 year old to be wearing, nor t-shirts so other pants must eventually be considered)
  • Jackets, jerseys etc - eish again.  If you can find decent quality ones, you'll pay for them through the nose.
  • Shoes.  Hmmm.. I must be one of the few women who don't have a shoe fetish, mostly because I baulk at paying over R200 for anything and tend to live in a single pair of takkies from the Chinese shop.  However, I do need shoes - and I have size 8 feet, which aren't easy to shop for.  When you do find something that fits, it's another few hundred bucks.  Get it in lasting leather, pay a whole lot more.
So now we're up to a grand or so for the basic pieces of cloth and plastic/leather.

Then there's the face.  I stopped in at Edgars to enquire about foundation, another thing I haven't had a drop of in years.  Found the right colour at the Clinique counter - the bill is R320.  "I'll be back" I say and exit rather quickly.  Head down to Clicks for the cheaper options like Revlon, but now I need "age defying" stuff because I'm not 20 anymore - another few hundred bucks, if you can find the right colour actually in stock, and someone willing to help confirm your choice.  For the rest of the things we plaster on, I can get by with cheap mascara from Rialo (R35), blusher from the same (R30), and lipgloss too (R25) - plus an assortment of eyeshadows and other things that have lasted me for years because they don't see much action.  As for moisturizer, it appears they're draining baby softness directly from babies to put in the bottles, and then flogging them on at an appropriate cost.  I don't even dare ask what those little vials of top beauty house liquid cost, as I'd prefer not to "fall flou" in the mall.

On to hair.  Mine is waist length mostly because I haven't had the time to see a hairdresser in ages.  Today it's time to find one, and hopefully get a decent cut out of it that will last a while - especially at the R200+ price tag.  Colour?  Hell no, out of my salary bracket.  Best I can do is perhaps a home kit that doesn't cost the earth - but that unfortunately also doesn't look too professional.  So my "highlights" are the grey streaks slowly taking over :-)  And the style?  Plaited.  Out of the way of drills, network cable and e-waste.  Would I like to have a sweep of silken glamour, artfully arranged?  Of course.  Who wouldn't.  And I hope to aspire to it one day, just not today.

Hair in other places?  Well some go for salon waxing and zapping with lasers - it lasts, but you do pay for the privalege.  Brow shaping, tweaking and dying/bleaching, same thing.  You must maar do what you can with a razor, a box of Mandys wax strips and a tube of Refatocil dye.  Which takes time and can hurt like the blazes.

Of course all this is a bit of a moot point.  As lovely as it would be to swan around in kitten heels, luxurious fabrics and actually look like a perfectly groomed small business owner, there's reality to think of.  Yes, I own the business, but I don't just meet & greet and sit in an office chair.  I'm required to climb into and onto client's roofs, pick up and transport excessively dirty and old electronics, and do all this driving a leaking 35 year old Land Rover that it would be best to be prepared to dive under at a moment's notice should something break.  Just this morning I was under it topping up the transfer box oil. 

Can you see me doing that in heels and business attire?  No, me neither.  Even something as simple as a coat of nailpolish goes terribly wrong a few hours later when I'm required to clean an item with acetone.  On any given day, I can go from admin to rooftops in one foul swoop - and have found that if I do make considerable effort to look good in the morning, those are the days I'll be required to do the dirtiest work.

I've come to the horrifying conclusion that, good intentions notwithstanding, 40 is unfortunately going to look much like 39 - except that now I have a pretty little black dress in my cupboard.