Limiting factor

I woke up angry this morning.

Last night I had to attend a meeting to re-negotiate an important contract, as the sole lamb to slaughter representative of one side of the argument.

I failed.  I am very bad at thinking on my feet, increasingly terrible at remembering vital contributing facts, and unable to fight bullies.  I go in full of enthusiasm to do this right, to act like I actually own the business (which I do), and end up defeated.

The more I think about it, the more I realize why I have not shot up the business world ladder as a Leading Woman.  It's because I am the limiting factor.  I am not good at business-fighting.  I'm a frikkin peacemaker, people-pleaser, and soft target for wolves.  I am easily hurt, flustered and intimidated.

I look at some women who have broken through to the top and realize they fight well - mostly because they're absolute bitches in the corporate world.  They can take out the competition with one swipe and get what they want.  I can't - I only realize hours or days later where I went wrong, and am not able to correct my path second by second in the middle of the fray.

I'm simply not destined to be a force in the corporate world.  Frankly, the thought of the amount of interpersonal conflict required to get there says I don't even want to be.

I really should rather keep away from people.

There are more than enough ways to make a living without having to spend my days fighting for steps on invisible ladders, being shouted at by nasty humans, and battling one-up-manship. 

It would be best if I found one of those ways as soon as possible and left this business world crap to a bulldog with teeth.