Much like 39

Last week I made the mistake of watching "What Not To Wear" over breakfast - the mistake being that they were doing over a 40 year old chick who owns her own business.  As I have a mere 2 days left of 39 and also own a business or two, that piqued my interest, so I settled in.

And the chick came out the other end stunning.

Which is something all us chicks secretly aspire to, whether we say so or not.

This week I went shopping for a little black dress.  Favourite Man has something special planned for my birthday which requires dressing up and going out on the town - two things we don't do very often, so much so that I actually haven't owned a dress or a skirt in 3 years or more.  I found my dress, but also realized that unless you have the WNTW team paying for your shopping spree, any physical upgrade doesn't come cheap.  It took me a day or two to get up the courage to pay for said LBD, although in the grand scheme of things it probably wasn't the most expensive item on the rack.  I then went shopping for appropriate heels and stuff - but simply couldn't get up the courage to pay for anything more that day, knowing that there are still practical things like groceries, fuel and business expenses to cover, as well as Xmas looming large.

Which brings me to a couple of dilemmas when it comes to my desire to be better at 40.

Firstly there's the whole ageing thing.  Changing room mirrors love to tell you how badly things are bumping, lumping, drooping or sagging - and my shopping expedition has shown me just how old I'm getting. 



Next there's cash.  If I'm ever to upgrade how I look it's going to cost me.  A lot.  And I'm not the type to throw money at frivolities if there's better places to invest it, with longer-term rewards (such as keeping us alive or growing the business).  As a quick indication of some basics:

• Underwear starts at over R100 for a basic bra and around the same for decent panties.  Head into WonderBra territory and we're hitting around R300.  For one item.
• Want a shirt?  Fork over R150+, even at the cheap shop.  Plain t-shirt?  Around R60 if you want something that won't wear out in a month.  And if you're investing in clothes, they really shouldn't wear out in a month, so you can't shop at the cheap shop.
• Jeans - unless you buy them at Pick 'n Pay (which I do, because they fit well and are comfortable and cost R110), you can expect upward of R300 at Woolies.
• Other pants - eish.  (Yet I hear jeans are not the thing for a 40 year old to be wearing, nor t-shirts so other pants must eventually be considered)
• Jackets, jerseys etc - eish again.  If you can find decent quality ones, you'll pay for them through the nose.
• Shoes.  Hmmm.. I must be one of the few women who don't have a shoe fetish, mostly because I baulk at paying over R200 for anything and tend to live in a single pair of takkies from the Chinese shop.  However, I do need shoes - and I have size 8 feet, which aren't easy to shop for.  When you do find something that fits, it's another few hundred bucks.  Get it in lasting leather, pay a whole lot more.

So now we're up to a grand or so for the basic pieces of cloth and plastic/leather.

Then there's the face.  I stopped in at Edgars to enquire about foundation, another thing I haven't had a drop of in years.  Found the right colour at the Clinique counter - the bill is R320.  "I'll be back" I say and exit rather quickly.  Head down to Clicks for the cheaper options like Revlon, but now I need "age defying" stuff because I'm not 20 anymore - another few hundred bucks, if you can find the right colour actually in stock, and someone willing to help confirm your choice.  For the rest of the things we plaster on, I can get by with cheap mascara from Rialo (R35), blusher from the same (R30), and lipgloss too (R25) - plus an assortment of eyeshadows and other things that have lasted me for years because they don't see much action.  As for moisturizer, it appears they're draining baby softness directly from babies to put in the bottles, and then flogging them on at an appropriate cost.  I don't even dare ask what those little vials of top beauty house liquid cost, as I'd prefer not to "fall flou" in the mall.

On to hair.  Mine is waist length mostly because I haven't had the time to see a hairdresser in ages.  Today it's time to find one, and hopefully get a decent cut out of it that will last a while - especially at the R200+ price tag.  Colour?  Hell no, out of my salary bracket.  Best I can do is perhaps a home kit that doesn't cost the earth - but that unfortunately also doesn't look too professional.  So my "highlights" are the grey streaks slowly taking over :-)  And the style?  Plaited.  Out of the way of drills, network cable and e-waste.  Would I like to have a sweep of silken glamour, artfully arranged?  Of course.  Who wouldn't.  And I hope to aspire to it one day, just not today.

Hair in other places?  Well some go for salon waxing and zapping with lasers - it lasts, but you do pay for the privalege.  Brow shaping, tweaking and dying/bleaching, same thing.  You must maar do what you can with a razor, a box of Mandys wax strips and a tube of Refatocil dye.  Which takes time and can hurt like the blazes.

Of course all this is a bit of a moot point.  As lovely as it would be to swan around in kitten heels, luxurious fabrics and actually look like a perfectly groomed small business owner, there's reality to think of.  Yes, I own the business, but I don't just meet & greet and sit in an office chair.  I'm required to climb into and onto client's roofs, pick up and transport excessively dirty and old electronics, and do all this driving a leaking 35 year old Land Rover that it would be best to be prepared to dive under at a moment's notice should something break.  Just this morning I was under it topping up the transfer box oil. 

Can you see me doing that in heels and business attire?  No, me neither.  Even something as simple as a coat of nailpolish goes terribly wrong a few hours later when I'm required to clean an item with acetone.  On any given day, I can go from admin to rooftops in one foul swoop - and have found that if I do make considerable effort to look good in the morning, those are the days I'll be required to do the dirtiest work.

I've come to the horrifying conclusion that, good intentions notwithstanding, 40 is unfortunately going to look much like 39 - except that now I have a pretty little black dress in my cupboard.

18

18 years ago today, this was me:

And 18 years ago tomorrow, this happened:

Since then there have been birthdays:

 

And adventures:

 

Tomorrow my child becomes an adult.

Wow.

On Being 39

The days of being 38 are over - one year to go before the big Four-Oh...!

And as usually happens, instead of New Year's Resolutions, I find myself pondering some birthday-time ones.  It's a good time each year for me to evaluate where I'm at and where I want to be in the year ahead.

Like every set of resolutions, there are a few to do with how I look.  This time last year I was skinny - but unfortunately it was more necessity-starvation related than healthy-weightloss.  This year I've picked up a few kilos - again, not in a healthy way.  The year has worn me down to the point where meals are rushed and whatever's at hand, instead of well-planned, nutritious gatherings that feed both body and soul.  I've been working so hard that when it comes time to feed the hungry I wander around the kitchen wondering what to make next, completely uninspired and wishing that bloke on the Food channel would drop in to help out.  I'm constantly dehydrated - no time to drink water, or I simply forget.  All told, I'm not in the best health, and neither is my family.  Which is my fault, I'm the home-maker / cook / shopper.  In the year ahead I need to sort out our nutrition with a definite plan for each meal, well ahead of time.  It's the basis for our daily energy and thus our ability to generate cash-flow.  With all three of us working hard every day (and night), we have to have the right fuel for our bodies.  Whether they boys complain about seeing more green things on their plates or not :-)  Some of those green things I aim to grow right outside my front door, despite the fact that my entire yard is bricked up.

Basically - I / we need to eat better and sleep more.  In a nutshell.

Add in to the body image the fact that wrinkles are springing up more readily, with their accompanying grey hair.  I simply haven't had time to pamper my looks.  My daily attire consists of takkies, jeans and a t-shirt, which usually ends up quite dirty by lunchtime.  I haven't worn nail polish or perfume in months. I have a farmer's tan - the legs are snow white, the arms black-tanned. Make-up is something that's slapped on in the half-dark with the hope that it looks like I imagine it does instead of what I suspect the mirror will show me.  In the year ahead I want to feel like a chick again, and look like a chick again.  I'd love to own a skirt, something more than jeans to wear now and then.  I need to replace just about every bit of make-up in my collection.  This morning I've attended to a few facial matters - later this week I plan to attend to the flowing locks.  The boys gave me a Woolies voucher for my birthday - I'll be perusing their shelves for some chick stuff as soon as I have a few minutes to do so.  Later today I'm doing a clothing chuck-out: all the old crappy stuff needs to go to make room for what I really use and what isn't full of holes.

Beyond how I look and how I eat, there's how I feel.  The time has come to reclaim myself - lost in the melee of the daily grind.  I know deep inside who I am and what I'm capable of, but I've given a lot of this up, shut it quietly up, hid it away.  I've become meek and conforming instead of listening to my gut, standing up for what I know and using that inner strength that saw me through some tough times in the past.  Somehow I need to let that out - I know my work will be better for it.  I need to shut down the fear of being ridiculed or having my dreams/opinions squashed and just go for it.

Then there's my home.  I look around me and see barely-controlled chaos.  We're three people living in limited space with two businesses that share it in many ways.  Long working hours mean housework is fitted in when I can on the weekends, if we're not out on site or busy with other things.  Yes, a lot of my work is done from home - but it doesn't mean I have time while here to attend to my housewifely duties.  I still struggle balancing the home-maker with the cash-producer.  Yet my home NEEDS to be a haven, as practical as it is required to be too.  I've got big dreams to do so - I simply need to start working on them one at a time, and finishing them.  Unfortunately many of them take cash to accomplish, which is always in short supply as we need to plug it in elsewhere.  There are some big-budget items that need replacing in the next year:  the lounge suite, the TV, the fridge/freezer, the microwave, stuff in our bedrooms... I need to get our storage and organization under control.  We'll get there, will just take some careful budgeting.

My family could do with a few things too.  We all need new clothes.  New shoes.  New office chairs, new computers.

And that brings me to the next to-do for the year ahead.  It's been a very difficult year financially - next year has to be better.  There is much hope on the horizon, I simply need to find a way to bring it closer.  I admit I'm often frustrated that I seem to be treading water, waiting for things to happen.  This year I have to make them happen.  It is going to take some seriously hard work, that's a given.  There's no miracles, no lotto winnings to wait for.  Practically, you're only going to get as far as the effort you're willing and able to put in.  In the year ahead I have a goal to bring in a set amount each day - I have to now find a way to do just that.  It's probably going to require some "but first's".  Before I can do this, I have to do that etc.  It may also require buying another vehicle.  But I've been sitting down and plotting what it will take, and I think I can do it.  Deep breath...

Between all the work, I want to take regular time-outs.  Not only to sit still in quiet somewhere for a few minutes (I may have to create that space if I can't find it), but also to spend time on things that feed my soul.  I opened up my piano for the first time in months a few days ago - although my fingers can remember what to do, they're rusty.  I have projects and stuff to make that I want to get to.  One thing at a time.  I would love to write again - whether for mere pleasure or for profit (need to find the words somewhere in my head for that and get them out).  There are skills I want to develop, things I want to learn more about.  My boys need more time and attention from me without distraction.  Seperate from the daily slog, all these are stimulation for my brain and my heart.  I'll be better because of them, and so will those around me.

This is all really a list in progress.  It's a start, a direction pointer for the year ahead.  Things will go from there, growing organically as each day unfolds.

39 - seemed so old when I was a teen.  Not so old on this side of it.  And definitely not too old to have a fantastically successful year to come.

Sweet Sixteen

I can't remember my 16th birthday. I remember my 18th, my 19th, my 20th and 21st. My 30th, my 8th... but 16 is a big nothing. I think it was around the time I blanked out most of a year in my memory, for whatever reason (can't remember - blanked it out! :-) ).

Today's my son's 16th. He's taller than me, turning into a man. He shaves (occasionally) and checks out girls (surreptitiously). All his clothes are getting too short or too small. He's hovering between kid and adult.

We've had a quiet celebration. Yesterday his uncles and their families came around for cake & coffee. The cousins got into his Bionicles in a big way!

We three had supper at the Spur - and avoided the singing waiters.

Today it was prezzie, home-made pizza and non-alcoholic champagne, with a movie on the side.

Tomorrow we're off to apply for his official South African ID document - and that opens doors to all sorts of things! Learner's car licence, motorbike licence, part-time work, travel as a semi-adult. It's now that things start to get interesting!

It's been a pretty good 16 years thus far. Let's hope the next 16 are fantastic!

(and no, he hasn't yet been kissed)

Another year older

Apparently it's my birthday. I've just turned 10! (well... 3 plus 7 equals 10, right?)

And I've also just had a "choir of angels" (aka an impressively large group of colleagues) drop by my desk to sing to me. I think they saw the tray of choc brownies waiting for 10:00 and are making sure they've got a foot in the door.. :-)

Favourite Man and the Kid made me stay up until midnight so I could see in the day with the prezzies they'd bought me. And very beautiful ones they were too. My men rock.

Big thanks to the many people who have emailed, SMSd, Facebooked and wished me a good one throughout cyberspace. It's turning out to be quite the day!

Big One

Happy Birthday, Favourite Man! You're the very best man in the whole wide world.

Another year older

I'm not one for making a big do of things, but yesterday's birthday was really really great. It started just after midnight with a super prezzie from Favourite Man (accompanied by hugs and kisses and all that good stuff) and hit a high note from then on. Ended it with supper overlooking the Gordons Bay harbour as the sun set in brilliant oranges and pinks - and then a stroll along the quay under a sickle moon. The route home was via the beach, the Xmas lights, and one photo opp for Olivia with all her new lights blazing in the dark. It was filled with good things from one end to the other - love, laughter, happiness, and a Landy that didn't give me any hassles (for a change), just chugged along like she's supposed to :-)

Am I feeling older? Nah... not really. But I do face the year ahead with new determination, courage and hope. I've taken a deep breath, cleared out the mental cobwebs, gathered up rediscovered strength to face the challenges ahead. And there will indeed be challenges. Many of my resolutions are going to take a lot of hard slog, mental clarity and sacrifice to reach what I'm aiming for. But they will be very worth it.

So yup, another year older. Age is just a number, right? :-)

Magnificence, My Arse?

One year ago I laid down a few new resolutions to get to. I'm pleased to report that most of them are fulfilled! A year ago I had no idea what changes would come my way. A year ago I had no idea of the absolute happiness and overwhelming joy I'd start this day with. A year ago I was in such a different place...

The one thing that I've fallen down a little on is the Year of Magnificence. I was off to a good start, but it petered out. I'm better than I was (a LOT better), but not where I'd hoped I'd be. My arse being one of the problems.. ;-) I've yet to get back into the walking routine I had before we moved to our new house. But I've upped the magnificence in so many other areas. I do have a number of goals I'm reaching for, but overall it has indeed been a year of magnificence in so many ways.

Looking ahead, perhaps it's time to make a few more resolutions. There are many private ones that I won't blog, but here are the more public ones:

* I will sort my son out. I've been too close to the situation to see that things have spiralled out of control. I've been feeling too powerless and lost to know how to fix what I can see is wrong. It's taken some clear-headed outside perspectives to show me that I've stuffed up as a parent. With new challenges in the form of home-schooling and personal growth ahead, I need to take control of this situation and deal with it, thoroughly and properly.

* I will not be afraid to dream big. Nor to jump for those dreams in spite of the chasm between me and them. The dreaming is easy - the jumping is not. This year I will leap in faith, leap with the knowledge that I am enough to achieve those dreams.

* I will continue to live with open hands - not clinging to material possessions, willing to let go, willing to ditch everything I own if it means I'm step closer to a goal. I know what is required, I will carry on walking the path I need to and up my game considerably.

* I will continue to add to my skills, passions and interests. This past year has been a learning curve as I tackled Olivia and discovered the wonders of mechanics, welding, decent soldering, basic electrics, metal work and so very much more. It's opened up a whole lot of things to explore and dig deeper into. I've changed careers, I've been "published" as a writer, I've found the love of my life.. :-) (yeah, just had to throw that one in somewhere). This year I want to delve deeper into things I enjoy and rack up both skill and knowledge.

* I will live fully, love fully, get my hands dirty in rich experience. No sitting on the sidelines and watching life go by. I'll take the risks to suck the marrow out of life, regardless. It's SO worth it.

So that's this year's list, in brief. The behind-the-scenes things may need to be noted in a real paper journal for reference.

But hey - retirement approaches! :-) Let's see what I can accomplish while I'm still young enough to do so.

Another Birthday

This past week saw my son turn 14. He reckons he feels like a real teenager now, and it seems he's already starting to get into the "compete for girls" stage... He and his friend have been eyeing the same chick - a stunner, but still young (12...). Who will get there first? My son, if I have anything to do with it! :-)

Today however was party day. Unlike past years I was completely uninspired. No huge bash, no invites even - just word of mouth, some junk food and movies and 4 friends that turned up. I fed them, then left them to it, and they entertained themselves.

It wasn't a big deal birthday at all for the kid this year. He didn't even get a physical present in his hands (other than some choccies)! He opted for credits and "dragon amulets" for an online game he's been at for 2 years, with the option of something else on order for later. I was stuck with 2 broken cars, and ended up really sick on his birthday too, so not much of a fuss was made at all this year. I simply didn't have the inspiration or the energy to plug into the event.

So here we go - deeper into the teen years. Further into the hormonal influences. Closer to the girlfriends, shaving, learner's licence and defiance stage. So far so good. I'll sit back and see what happens next.

Birthday resolutions

Some folk make New Year's resolutions, but not me. I tend to use my birthday for that each year. It's close enough to the end of the year anyway! :-)

So as I hit the 35-year mark, what's up for the year ahead?

* As mentioned before, it's going to be a year of magnificence. In as many aspects as I can manage. I'm already working on the body (and have been told I look stunning today - a good start! :-) ), I've sorted out the mind-set toward expecting abundance and good things, I'm finding new energy to achieve goals I was willing to give up on. Who says someone half-way to 70 can't be magnificent? :-)

* In the coming year I'm taking back my power. I refuse to be intimidated by those who know more than I do, have brains that work better than mine, are more beautiful or passionate. I'm also not going to be intimidated by those who are mean or petty or wish me no good. I will not let circumstances intimidate me, leaving me feeling helpless. I will not let finances (or a serious lack thereof) intimidate me neither! I feel it in my bones - I've got the first grip on control again.

* It's going to be a year of big changes in many ways. I've got a business (or two) to get completely off the ground, a new place to live to find, probably new income-generation (work), and some up-the-parenting to do on the teen. Oh yes, things will indeed change. And for the better of course.

* I will get laid. Oh yes I will! Laugh if you will, but hey - 10 years is just a little bit too long to not be getting any! :-) Or, preferably - I will do some laying. (And that's all I'm going to say on this subject here - because sometimes too much information is a bad thing)

* I'm going to up my skills in a number of areas (unrelated to the immediately-above paragraph of course!!! LOL) - things I already enjoy doing, and can do reasonably well. I'm going to become a master of them and so pave a solid path into the future.

* I'm not going to give up. Not on my dreams, not on my desires, not on my goals - not for a single day. Granted, there will be dips - there are always dips - but they will be blips on the screen, nothing more. I will not be making any excuses for a lack of success in any area, instead I'll pour all I have into achieving what I know in my heart is just waiting to be done.

* I'm getting back out into the world, no longer hiding behind closed doors. I'm going to expand my circle of friends, get a social life at last, and hang out with people more than hang in with my computer. I'll no longer be invisible in society.

* This will be a year of adventure. Big ones, small ones, ones far afield and ones close to home. A year lived looking for adventures and experiences, seeking them out to relish and revel. I'll do my best to pass this attitude on to my son, who has become a serious couch-potato computer geek lately, and needs to rediscover the wonder of the world.

I'm pretty sure other subtle "resolutions" will pop up as the year progresses, but this is where I'm starting from.

Here's to being 35! Somehow old and young all at the same time, but a very good place to be.