Being Church to Family

There's one aspect of Being Church that I'm completely struggling with - and that's my relationship with my mother.

Years and years ago, when I was around 19 or so, she did something that made me lose trust in her. It was probably a mistake on her part, but from that time on I just can't seem to get along with her. Sure, we're nice and polite, we say all the right stuff and perhaps I even put on an act that convinces her all is OK - but I've built a huge wall that keeps her out. I don't tell her what I'm thinking, I don't tell her how I'm feeling. She's sometimes surprised by what I have to say. I have a hard time keeping from sounding harsh in person and via email/MSN.

A few years ago I emailed her, telling her it was time for us to try again, to be closer. After a whole week I got an email back from her - with nothing to say regarding what I'd said, just a report of a women's retreat she'd gone on. No acknowledgement that we had a problem, or my offer to solve it. I know she didn't mean it that way (I hope) but I felt I'd been slapped in the face. The wall went up again, thicker than ever.

When she was diagnosed with breast cancer and was in danger of dying, I was worried, but felt nothing deeper. It was like she had flu or something, not like I could lose my mother forever. I didn't give her the support she needed as she went through a mastectomy, radiation, chemo, recovery. I could have done a lot more as her only daughter, but I didn't.

I find myself getting irritated with her, and with myself when I see personality traits she has coming out in me.

Deep, deep down, I know I can never truly Be Church until I get over this, until I forgive past wrongs and get over my issues, until I grit my teeth and try change my attitude.

It bugs me, it really does. I hate that I feel so "high and mighty", so superior, so nasty. It's not who I want to be. I just can't seem to help myself.

I really don't know where to start to get this right. It may already have been too long, gone too far. Just don't know. But until I get over this I can't honestly say I'm living as God would have me live, being who He wants me to be.

And that's very, very hard to think about.