Hollow

I've been feeling hollow. Like there's nothing inside me. I look for passion, for happiness, for sadnes, for ANYTHING and there's just a blank. It's not a vacuum - I'd have felt that pulling my ribs inwards. It's just a nothingness.

I felt it at church last night when I looked for enthusiasm and a happiness to be in God's presence. Nothing there. There was a tiny glow of something at the end of the service, but it was squashed when the worship team leader came up and moaned about the sound, the musicians, the singers... Nothingness took over again.

I feel it when I look inside to find feelings about work, about life, about home, about those around me. There's the dark blank space again. There are shadows on the walls where things used to be - their outline enclosing the colour of my soul as it was, the rest faded into a paler version of me.

It may be that I've worked myself into the ground during the week, that I didn't get a decent Sabbath rest this weekend, that I can feel illness coming on. I need time out to refocus, to just be for a bit. I need time to refresh, a chance to absorb and listen. Maybe then the nothingness will retreat and leave me filled with beauty, passion and light once more.