Worship

After a month's break from worship team duty, I'm struggling to get enthusiastic about going back. It's bad, I know. I should be thankful that there is a place where I can use my music abilities for God. I should want to rush in and do what I can in His presence.

But my heart's not in it. I've been suffering from the same feeling of disconnect that Luke mentioned on his blog - of being there physically, but being more a spectator than a participant. Going along with the programme, but remaining unmoved. Leaving as empty as I came, or even more so.

It's shown in my piano playing too. It's become more of a performance than any type of worship. I'm doing the routine without anything sinking in. Can't feel God's presence or that I'm worshipping Him.

I hope this is going to change, that I'll be able to feel again, to worship, to get spine-tingly and see God there. But if it doesn't - what then? Will I be a lost cause? Would it be best to leave completely, or do I hang around hoping things will improve?

Already my son and I are out of the weekly church routine - we bunk more often than not. I get in my God-time on my own, or with my son, but when church-time arrives it's optional instead of necessary. I don't know if that's a very very bad thing or in some way a good thing.

My one worry is the "use it or lose it" lesson of the talents in the Bible. I do believe God has given me a gift of music and that I need to use it for him. I'm no good at the classical stuff or the non-Christian stuff. My fingers only know God-stuff. If I'm no longer involved as a worship musician, will God take that away, will I lose it slowly until I've forgotten how?

My mind's in a muddle over this. It would be easy to just give up and resign my worship team duties. But life is never meant to be easy. I may need to struggle like Jacob until I get my blessing, until I feel something, until I know why I'm there.