Weekend Thoughts 1: Stay/Go Issues

So I went to the Worship Committee meeting (pushing against an overwhelming urge to make up excuses - ie lie - and bunk), and stuck around for an appropriate amount of time, drawing the line after an hour and a half of going in circles.

I didn't say much, for fear of saying the wrong thing. When asked to take on more responsibility, I did note that I "may not be here much longer", but all assumed I meant Australia and not Chickening Out and Leaving The Church. I didn't have the courage to correct them. Not yet.

I sat and listened to my inner voice a lot of the time, and it grated against issues like spending thousands on a new sound system, lighting controls for the new spotlights, a new amp for the monitors etc. When I know that the amount they've budgeted for these is more than double their annual contribution to either the homeless school they started or the squatter-camp church plant whose pastor struggles so desperately to make ends meet. I clenched my teeth and said nothing. Perhaps I was wrong to do so.

I'm still torn between staying and going. I could stay until the visa application receives a reply, hang around doing my duty and putting on my weekly Christian face, hiding what's burning within - and perhaps I may find feeling and passion in worship again, perhaps not. Or I could give a month's notice - the duty roster for next month is already published and it would create problems trying to change it now. I should probably sit down with the worship leader and tell him what's going on, together with my friend Cathy who has been such a strong support and influence in my life.

I asked God to speak through others to me, to help me decide. And on my wanderings through the shopping mall, perhaps He did. I ran into an older worship team member, a woman of God who deeply cares for me. She'd missed me lately at church. I told her only that worship duty was just that these days - duty. And she replied that if this was true, it would be good to rather leave. Perhaps the answer was God's word I'd prayed for. I'd like to have spent more time talking to her, bouncing my views off her understanding mind.

And yet still my decision wavers - if I leave, then what?

One of my Sabbath readings almost answered this. Leaving may not have a set destination, but may instead lead to a time of emptiness, a time of waiting, a time of learning and "detoxing" from ingrained ways/thoughts. Scary as that emptiness is. It may lead to a hard growth time in which God shows me what He truly wants from me, to live out and strengthen my faith in ways I cannot now see. Ways that may or may not involve "church" as commonly defined.

It may lead to better spiritual growth for my little 2-person family too, as we focus not on a weekly event, but on what we can daily do to grow closer to God. Our own family celebrations, events, being church practically. Not attending a weekly event will force me to become more involved in the "us" of being God-followers.

I am still in prayer over this. I'm constantly asking guidance so that I know I'm doing the right thing. I need to know that it is where God wants me and that it's not just MY will to get out.

Stay tuned!