Is that your final answer?

'Tis done. It's official. I've taken leave of my duties at church (and possibly also my senses, according to some). The only thing I haven't done is phone my best friend and tell her... I'm simply too scared to, but may have to sometime today. Or I could let her hear via the worship leader, and then "please explain".

I'm still not entirely sure this is the right thing. But if I don't try I'll never find out.

Yet the question remains - now what?

Do I just sit and wait? Do I try to do something to fill this blank space in my schedule, in my life?

I think I need to put in a bit of work on our "home spirituality", check that my son is actually learning about God and growing. I need to plan more focused activities and times of worship for the two of us - I aspire to such open worship as Rachelle and her family share, though I can never hope to reach her/their league...

I need to go deeper in my own God-times, but my brain seems to be in a permanent fog, and has been for months. I can't seem to grasp much, I can't think things through or see truths the way I did earlier this year. I feel like I'm living a surface existance, unable to dive into what I can see below, a Dead Sea float if you will.

And there are other longings too - a need to get involved in my community, strengthen ties with family and friends. Yet my life seems composed of a rush through routine. Wake up, eat, go to work, go home, cook, homework, bed....it never ever ends. I want so much more out of life, I want to give more, be present more, be more real and involved in the world around me. I have dreams and visions of what it could be like - but there's an invisible barrier keeping me away from it. Somethings putting restrictions on the stuff I want to do. It's like being on a long leash - just as you think you're getting there, you're brought up short by circumstances, time restraints, a lack of vision or passion.

So I'm wandering in blankness now, not sure how, where, when, why. I've made a decision, I've taken a step. But the road ahead is shrouded in fog. If I start walking, I might end up going backward, so here I sit, waiting for the Son to shine through and light up the way.