The Single Parent Scene

I left a bit of a rant on Jamie's blog in his comments box on Friday - and I'm sure he's hoping I don't drop by too often! :) He had posted on a church singles initiative, and here's what I wrote:

Churches may be doing lots for singles, but single parents are still often treated like outcasts and the world's worst sinners - they don't fit into the singles or the married, or the married with kids categories, and often find themselves completely on the outside of activities, conversations etc. Its a BIG thing I think churches should be looking at, very seriously.

There are no programmes to help single parents cope, to help out with parenting skills in the absence of a partner, or childcare, or finances, or anything else that they face daily. They don't fit in to the marriage seminars, the singles coffee clubs, the mom or dad weekends away, the father/son / mother/daughter activities, the married or single study groups (they come with "baggage" that no-one knows how to deal with).

I head up the ONLY e-support group & website IN THE WORLD for one denomination's single parents. There is absolutely nothing else for them out there - and they feel it. Many have been so hurt by the lack of support, the insensitive comments ("so, your child's illegitimate?") and the lack of inclusion that they've given up on church and God. It's happened across church groups too, not just within this one denomination.


Perhaps there are churches out there making a difference to single parents, but generally we feel like "the damned" around church folk. We've either sinned terribly by having sex before marriage (and getting caught out because of the visible results) or by leaving a partner (no matter what the reason). We're steered away from married folk as a bad influence, we're held up as examples of "what not to do" to the young folk. (I was interrogated by one young group, who then sent me away so they could discuss me and my failings and how not to do that. Oh joy.)

I've had it easier than most - no messy divorce, no ex plaguing me, left to my own parenting devices, which is just fine! But the lack of support among churches is very, very real.

Which is why I'm thinking more and more that relational church, home church, "casual" church built on friendships and mentorships and real connection - that's the best thing since sliced bread for single parents!

One of our huge moans is the lack of a decent role model, mentor or parent of the opposite sex. But imagine that role being taken over by non-related men and women of God. Folk your kids could confide in and learn from when you become uncool or they need an outside perspective.

I've heard so many good things of communities that help raise each other's kids - like the old tribe/clan system. It's been echoed recently as I've trawled sites about including kids in home/relational church. Looking at the really big picture, it could also help with many problems our kids experience in today's society - could keep them off the streets and enfolded in the arms of a community that cares.

Then there's the example of family life - essential to learning how to get along with others. My son is an only child and not likely to ever have siblings. But having a community of families with kids old and young would give him a chance to learn how "normal" families function, how they get through rough patches and throw parties for the smooth ones (talking of which - how does one throw a "Christian" party?:) ). Learn how to respect the elderly and learn from their wisdom, how to be a big brother to the little ones.

Of course, eating together as a community will also give the kids a break from the same old cooking rut... :)

Wow, there's so much to be said for relational church and the single parent! I could go on until you get repetitive strain injury scrolling down the page!

But as much as can be said, it's the kind of thing that's extremely hard to find. All of my friends are either good church attendees or don't care two hoots for God. Most would not be interested in exploring relational church - there would be very big repurcussions from Church Management! - it's too much hard work - takes too much committment - don't see the need - comfortable in the rut even if it's unsatisfying.

So it's just me. Longing for something that seems completely out of reach. Impatient. Swinging my legs against the chair. The Odd One Out again, hanging around to see what God's going to do next. I really, really hope it's something like relational church! That would be just too cool!