The Downside to Independence

I'm what some may describe as "fiercely independent" - I'd rather go through hell AND high water than ask for help. I'm inherently shy too, which doesn't help matters. I don't like approaching people to help, or imposing on their time/resources/good mercies. And as a result I often end up in the deep end of troubles, instead of the shallow end.

Case in point happened this weekend.

Friday was payday, and arrived JUST in time. We had run out of peanut butter, milk, bread and dog food - all pretty much essential in our house. Payday is traditionally Spur day (we eat out at our fave family restaurant), and the day I replenish all the non-perishables in our cupboards. This month it would also entail a trip to the veggie shop, as the potatoes and other natural goodies were on the low side.

But the car wouldn't start. Not at all. Not even after an hour of rolling down every available hill until we were a km from the house and out of hills. And still out of food.

Well, we had a few crusts of bread and some syrup left at home, so trudged up the hills and had that for lunch. I had no alternative but to put on my walking shoes, grab an umbrella and start for the nearest shop, 3km away, down a steep hill (which would be climbed on the way back, bearing shopping bags), to stock up on the basics for the weekend. A passing acquaintance gave me a lift half-way there, and I was lucky enough to be picked up half-way back. The other half either way had me realizing how unfit I am...

Just after sunset the car decided to start, and we took it home for the night for safekeeping.

But come Sunday, when I was hoping to try again for a mall trip, there was no reaction from the car. Late afternoon I roll-started it again, loaded up the kid, made it to the nearest shop (again for bread and dog food...), left it running with him inside as protector, and then got home.

It was booked in for a service this morning - and fortunately started for me to get it there. Hopefully the service will fix the problems!

But in all this I found it really, really hard to ask for help. I didn't want to bother anyone. I didn't want to make them go out their way. It was easier to suffer along in silence and feel sorry for myself. It's something I've been doing ever since I became a single mom at 21. Didn't want to count on anyone else but me, even if help was offered. And it's gotten worse - although the church offered to help with the car, I never got around to taking them up on it. It was too good to be believed, so I chose (subconsciously) not to by being too scared to phone them up and take them up on their offer. I almost picked up the phone many many times - but never got to the dialing.

This weekend I realized that it's possible - no, not possible, more like a fact - I'm TOO independent. I don't let myself rely on others, and it's often to my disadvantage. Working on correcting my attitude is going to take a lot of effort. I need to open myself up to trusting other's good graces, to accepting thankfully what's offered, to taking as well as giving.