At your service

I was at your church service last night for the first time in a month. I'd forgotten how loud it is. I'd forgotten that sitting in the back row is dramatically different to being on stage - and that the young guys in the back row spend the service playing with their cellphones.

Last night I wanted to offer myself in worship to God. I wanted to learn what it is to bring myself as a living sacrifice. But in all the noise I couldn't. I couldn't even find my soul. I wanted some sacred space, some quiet, to be still and know God. But we rushed from one agenda item to the next. The two "worship" songs didn't allow the space to connect - though perhaps some in the congregation did. I saw a lot of hands raised and eyes closed as the rest of the people sang "draw me close to you". But I wasn't one of them. I love that song - but last night I just simply couldn't let myself feel it, use it as a prayer.

I used to love the hype and energy, the relaxed come-in-your-jeans atmosphere, the band rocking on. But perhaps I'm getting old. Lately I crave stillness and a small Voice, alone or within the crowd. I want to turn away from the spotlights and focuse on one Light. I want more depth than just a re-reading, a re-telling of a well-known Bible story (complete with a list of 3 life applications to end with).

I wasn't sure if I could come back next week, even though it looks like the drama group "putting on the show" is going to be great.

But then you put your arms around me and said I'd been missed. Not just one of you, but many of you. And for that, I may be back. For that, I may endure the service one more time.