While on holiday from church....

I can never say things right when people ask me questions. It's usually WAY after the event that I come up with a good answer, a witty reply, a decent explanation. (Which is why I like blogging - it gives you time to think before you answer)

So when I was asked recently what I thought about my worship team "break", I said all the wrong things. Like, I was enjoying not having to figure out if it was an on week or an off week, whether I've missed a practice or if I've forgotten what the team is wearing that week. And then I went and blew my mouth off about how I'd experienced the service (too loud when I needed quiet), and that I'd brought the person some articles on worship with a couple of music scores I'd downloaded. That made her all defensive and full of "you should have been here last week"s. But I didn't get a chance to say I wasn't being critical, that I didn't want to try change what they were doing, just that this was the way I had felt.

Later on I realized I'd got it wrong again... hadn't explained myself properly, or I'd talked too fast, or interrupted and said something instead of waiting to hear her out. I never told her why she hasn't seen me at church in a month, and I haven't come up with a spur-of-the-moment reply that I'm happy with if anyone else asks what church I'm at these days.

Perhaps I should work on a speech, something I've got all ready just in case. A pocket-size list that I can haul out and go through when people question where I'm at and why.

You see, the thing is, I'm just taking a church holiday. Or maybe it's a transition phase - can't be sure yet. I'm not "worshipping" anywhere, I'm not "fellowshipping" anywhere. I'm a stay-at-home Christian right now.

I did actually attend church last weekend - my son's choir was singing at a praise service. But it did me more harm than good to sit there and try be Christian (you know, connect with God, be reverent and not judgmental, all that stuff). I missed the quiet time I usually spend on a Sabbath morning, just me and the silence. I didn't want to be dictated to as to what my God-view should be, what praise should look like and how a Christian should dress for church.

I guess the church holiday and the desert place I'm in spiritually might go together. I don't want to see happy Christians lifting their hands in praise while I sit there stone-cold. I don't want to get into the "where have you been, we haven't seen you in a while" thing, or the "when are you coming back to the worship team" thing. I don't want to sing songs others have chosen that have nothing to do with what my heart is/isn't feeling, or be "led to God's throne" kicking and screaming by the ring in my nose (no, I don't have one - yet - but have you seen them trying to get bulls moving like that?).

All I want to do these days is sit. Just be. And be left alone to be. I want time and space to think and feel. Or just to sit in blank silence.

Fellowship? Maybe later. Worship? When I can figure out who God is to me. Church? Maybe, maybe not. Depends on the journey.

In the meantime I'm on holiday. Gone fishing. Out to lunch. Do not disturb.