Un-Balance

I feel like my life is so out of balance at the moment.

Last night my son was overtired, and needing a lot of hugs, his eyes tearing up from exhuastion and wanting his mom. A part of me wanted to gather him up and fill his empty hear-spaces - but that dark part of me, the part that doesn't feel a thing and can't remember how to love, pulled back from contact, from embrace, didn't want to be touched. It was a really big struggle to give him the love he needed, and I'm still not sure I gave all I could. Though everything looked better in the early-morning light.

Sitting at work I plan time with him at the end of the day, long talks and walks. I plan family traditions and those good rituals that make forever-memories. I plan a better life, better nutrition, more connection, better parenting.

But when I get home he's on the playstation and supper needs making. The dogs want walking, but he doesn't. We eat in front of the one-eyed-monster, he does his homework, he bathes, and then he's in bed. And we've missed out on all those things I sit at work and plan.

When I dress in the morning my clothes feel tight - I know I'm not getting the exercise or decent food I should be, and I say "today will be different". And then it isn't.

I dream about the business I want to start. I can see the end result, I can imagine living the life. But there's no bridge from here to there. No time to figure it out, no way to blend slowly from this existance to that. I know I should be starting small from home, building a client base and an income. But this life doesn't have the hours in the day to make it happen - the energy required to work, parent and work some more. I feel stuck, trapped on a cliff with a bright future on the other side of an enormous chasm.

Today, I say, I'll finish my studies, I'll get that website filled up with info, I'll think through the yearbook and plan the layout. But the day is gone before I can do it - and I've spent it treading water or running other's errands.

I've got to spend time with God - but I fall asleep after a two-sentance prayer and can't seem to get down on my knees.

I put in the Tae-Bo tape, but my feet won't do the starting shuffle, never mind the kicks. My arms are going the wrong way, I should probably first do the instructional tape - but that's an hour long and all I have is time for the 8-minute workout. So I stop the tape after 2 minutes and wonder how I'm going to get rid of my thunder-thighs. I even consider buying those miracle weight-loss pills - if only I had enough cash. If only I hadn't spent so much buying books online this month.

I know my car needs the brakes and clutch checked - why are they using so much fluid? But come tonight, and I'll have forgotten once again to get hold of the mechanic. Don't have the cash anyway. And I should have called up the guy who has to clean the lounge suite - my parents arrive this weekend!

Is there any way I can get back on track? How do I stop this, the things that grate on my soul? Why can't I just pull myself up by my bootstraps and do this living thing well, fitting in the good stuff effortlessly, being the person I want to, the parent (the only parent) my son so desperately needs? Where are the paths to my dreams - have they become overgrown with choking weeds? Why can't I find balance?

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do." Rom 7:15