The Valley of the Shadow

Nope, I'm not talking the shadow of DEATH, but another rather shadowy place.

I haven't blogged on spiritual matters for a while now, and there's a simple explanation. I feel like I've been in spiritual hibernation for the past few months, with a heart that refuses to feel or grow or learn. It may have something to do with stepping out of the church scene - which was sorely needed, but... - or it may have something to do with this being one of those "seasons". Dunno.

Sure, I've kept up my reading and such, but it's all surface. Nothing's going deep, nothing's blowing my mind or making me reconsider life, God and everything else.

I'm nearly finished reading "The Jesus I never knew", and I feel like I really haven't learnt anything. It's a nice story, but it hasn't penetrated to the inside of me.

And that's how it's been going for the past few months. I'm dead inside, or at least it feels that way. I don't know how to move from where I'm at, or how to get my heart back to that passionate adoration of God I once had.

Usually at night my prayers ramble here and there as I think back over my day and pray for various aspects of what happened, or what I'm worrying about. But last night my prayer was a single sentence, "Lord, help my unbelief and change my heart." Was I expecting a bolt of lightning, and instant change? If so, it didn't happen. Things are still the same this morning.

I spent most of the night tossing and turning (not too well at the moment, which doesn't help matters), after taking a couple of hours to even start feeling sleepy. My brain is keeping me up, my heart's asleep.

Some days I wonder if I dare claim the name of Christian for myself, feeling like I do (or rather not feeling a thing like I do). Perhaps I'm just a Nothing after all, doomed to eternal separation because of a lukewarm heart.

There's a verse that says "you will seek me and find me if you seek with all your heart". My heart refuses to seek, refuses to have an "all" to seek with. Maybe that's why I can't find Him.

I know He's there, but He's like so many of my friends who have drifted away over recent years. I know where they're at, but they ain't stopping by anymore. Nor is He.

So that's where I am, that's why this blog has become decidedly unspiritual after a few months of frantic spiritual searching. Perhaps it is just a season. But if it isn't, what then?