Churchlessness

It's been over 7 months since I was a regular pew-warmer (or piano warmer) at church, bar the few weeks my parents were out here and we attended everything they did. These months have been interesting, to say the least, and have left me with mixed feelings.

First off, I've come to the conclusion that you have to be in the church (as in attending every week) for people to miss you. Leave, and they don't. Pop in briefly again, and they'll suddenly remember you exist and that you were missing. Strange, sad, but true.

I've also realized that community outside of weekly church is harder to find than one might think. Sure, some just drift into it right away, no probs, but when one lives in an area where the weekly church turn-up IS considered community (even if you fall asleep as soon as the pastor stands up to preach), it's kinda impossible to find anything else! There's no "out there" to explore, to get to know, to interact with. It's all just an extension of the holy huddle, and it tends to drive me nuts. You see, I'm a non-conformist in a sea of sameness, the square peg in the round hole, the odd one out. There's no-one like me to connect to, and until I can physically move out of this area it's going to be increasingly difficult to forge that dream I've dreamt that made me leave the weekly huddle indefinitely.

I've noticed that "Holy Holidays" pass me by. Heck I only noticed it was Easter coming up when I checked the calender to see why everyone was suddenly taking leave! Growing up in a church that didn't do too much of the holy holiday celebrating, they were passing me by already. But Easter is a biggie! I mean, the easter eggs in the shops should have given it away - yet with no constant reminder of special services or sermon build-up toward the event, I didn't even notice it. In a way that's scary. I mean, I'd like to take these opportunities to pause and think, but when they rush at you like this there's no time to prepare.

And most times I'm not sure I want to. Which is another thing I've noticed. I want less and less to do with church lately (not The Church, but just church). I get cynical when someone mentions sermons, I'm not sure I can stomach the worship team phenomenon (and this, from an ardent former worship team-er!), or go through the usual weekly ritual of stand-sit-pray-praise-leave. Though we ALMOST went to church this weekend - but then didn't. I just wanted to pop in and say hi, basically, but wasn't sure I'd be able to "do church" just for the privalege of seeing them again.

Unfortunately this apathy, if that is what it is, spills over into the other religious-type things I should be doing - praying, studying, having just an ounce of faith. It all seems to be drifting away and trying to get it back is like grasping smoke.

Is this "a coal seperated from the fire dies" ? Or do I just get to start a spiritual life from scratch?

I've never had one of those conversion experience thingies - the ones that make for excellent retellings when altar calls are made. I've just drifted into Christianity with the rest of the family. And now it's falling a bit apart - not the family, but the Christianity part.

You see, I do believe I'm a Christian. I know who God is (though I don't think I know Him as such), I believe in Jesus (is believing enough?), I try to live right and do what I think God wants, and I follow where He opens doors. But I'm not an over-the-top Christian. I don't rush to church with eager eyes. I don't evangelize or tract-ize or any other -ize. I just live, and question, and wonder why my heart feels so dead. Or if I have the right to say "Christian" and "me" in the same sentance. I've got much to be thankful for, and I do say thanks - but I don't praise like the Psalmist, or like a Hillsong worship leader. I see God's hand in things around me, but I can't shout His fame from the rooftops. I've never heard Him SPEAK to me - either in whispered tones or a ground-shaking thunder. It's been a few years since a church experience has given me teary eyes. Or any religious experience for that matter. Though sometimes I get a lump in my throat to hear what others are experiencing while I'm not (yet at the same time a cynical slant creeps up in my head).

Then there's the recent financial blessings related to our trip. I know they're from God, I know He's done some absolutely awesome stuff through His servants. Stuff that gives people goosebumps when I tell them what's happened. But just gives me joy and the warm fuzzies. YES, I'm thankful, and I really wish I could all-out do the praise thing, but something has died inside me and I can't. I don't have it in me. Perhaps what He's done will sink in slowly and I'll be left floored in the near future.

Is all this just because I stopped going to church? Or is it perhaps the results of an issue that runs much, much deeper?

Still figuring that out.

For now I'm churchless. And perhaps faithless too. A pity - I'd like it to be otherwise. But my soul won't let me.

Sometimes I wonder if we're pre-ordained to be lost or saved. Heretical perhaps. But I can't help thinking I've been pre-ordained in the lost group, and this heart-cooling is to ensure I'm sorted into that group when the time comes. Strange thoughts, but such things cross my mind as I lie in the dark at night.

There was a brief surge of hope when I read A Generous Orthodoxy. Perhaps it's time to read it again. To let the common parts that bind everyone as children under the Most High sink in this time and make me realize that I'm not really alone after all.

(Rambling post, written over the course of many hours on switchboard duty - excuse it's drifting here and there!)