How to Loaf at the Office

(Courtesy IOL)

The boss may disagree, but there are days when you just shouldn't be at work. James Simpson gives some tips on how to make life at the office bearable of course you love work.

It just seems to happen to you more often than it should. It does not help that everything you casually left in your in-tray at the end of last week is still sitting there, looking slightly smug, on Monday morning.

Simply put, there are days when you really shouldn't have to be there. Your boss thinks otherwise, however, so we're here to help. Try the following tips:

Tip 1: Your computer is your friend
Sure sure, they make life easier and faster and the information age is wonderful, but the truly great thing about computers is that the only difference between sitting in front of a computer working extremely hard, and sitting doing very little, is your facial expression while doing it.

Try to frown slightly, holding a pen in your left hand, and lightly tap it against your chin. Got it? Now dream away.

Of course, you need something to frown at, which is why Bill Gates invented spreadsheets.

Spreadsheets are truly wonderful things, which can look as complicated as you like, with graphs, equations, hyperlinks and all sorts of other interesting stuff.

They also take a long time to make, so download one from www.ppiaf.org/Reports/LaborToolkit/Tool
kit/pdf/tools/Module7/severance_analysis.xls. And don't forget to frown.

The surest sign of office slacking is those damn fish swimming across your screen.

Reset your screensaver to at least an hour. Better yet, turn it off.

Tip 2: Normal people don't understand legalese.
A solid-looking legal document on your desk can buy a good few hours. Download one from www.brokersdirect.net/da.doc, underline a few things, make asterisks in the margin, and turn the page every 20 minutes or so.

Tip 3: Take extra clothes
Nothing says "I'll be back at my desk in just a moment" like a jacket draped over your chair. Doesn't matter that you're on a three-and-a-half-hour extended lunch - with your other jacket.

This really works. But you can't leave the same jacket all the time. Boss wanders past at quarter to five when you've skipped out early? No worries, you must be running a memo through to accounts if your jacket's still there.

Tip 4: Loafing is tiring too
The frown is cramping your forehead, and you're bored. Or hungover. You need a break. Head to the loo, find yourself a stall, and grab a toilet roll. Sit, lean against the wall and prop your head up with the bog roll. Why?

Firstly, toilet paper is soft and smooth and will leave fewer incriminating crease impressions on your cheek than your suit jacket does.

Secondly, any drool is immediately and effectively dealt with, leaving your clothes blemish-free. Now sleep: you've earned it.

Tip 5: Good jargon = ticket to ride.
It's been a long day, and you want out. Download and memorise some obtuse words that sound like something you might get paid to do, from www.johnsmurf.com/jargon.htm. Put your cellphone to your ear, and stride through reception talking heatedly.

Example: "I'm on my way there now, I need to amortise the outstanding balance and cross-reference it with the interest-bearing hedge funds, before all the exchange rates have an adverse effect on the interim results."

OK, so you need a bit of practice here, but remember, you only have to impress the receptionist. Frown, give her a curt wave, and breeze on out that door.