Running Scared

I've got this intense feeling of fear today, and I'm not sure why. I suspect that it's a result of peering too closely into the enticing crystal ball of the future, and seeing the possibility of world-disrupting changes ahead. It might have something to do with having numerous folk in Australia wanting to "see me", having to make a good impression with regards to possible future employment, not knowing where we're actually heading and the thought of turning our entire lives upside down.

Every now and then I get these bouts of gut-knotting nervous scaredy-cat-ness. Last week I mentioned how I plan things to death. And I've realized why.

It all stems from a shyness that I hide very well. I don't like to be the center of attention. In an unknown environment you'd find me sneaking in and hugging the walls instead of bursting forth with a "here I am!". If I'm travelling in an unknown area, I'll first plot my route - generally speaking - so I don't get lost. Travelling in the Cape is easy - you've got mountains as reference points. Travelling up north is a whole other story. When I was in college, I'd rather miss a class than walk in late. I once walked into the wrong class in high school after a bout of crying in the toilets - the laughter that greeted me from the lower-age class drove me back to the dorm for the rest of the day.

Same thing with uncertain futures. I like to know where I'm headed, what's going to happen on the journey, what my options are, and where my escape routes are. I've never gone looking for employment - all my jobs have come looking for me. I'm not good at selling myself or demanding this/that. I'd rather avoid situations where I would need to, but this time I won't be able to.

Facing the unkown in our future has got me running scared today. It's a case of the nerves, and deep breathing to purge it ain't going to cut it this time!