Hesistating...

I've just had a call from a good friend, asking if I'd like to get involved in a "project" she and her family are doing. It's something a number of people have asked me to do, so why am I hesitating?

You see, it's a church. Or ALMOST a church. She's gathering lost and forgotten folk from our local groups, ones who have slipped through the cracks or been beaten into submssion or have been burnt by religion. And joining them (all 50+ of them!) into a group that will meet together as a church every week!

I can name many folk who need this so desperately. I'm one of those who have slipped quietly out the door and never gone back. I should belong to this new church - and yet I'm not sure. I don't want to take that plunge and commit myself...

You see, they're going to first try the "proper channels", seeing the local head of the church for approval so they won't be seen as a splinter group. I did the same a few years ago when I wanted help in planting a church - one very different from what was going on then, but which would have been awesome if it succeeded. I got a bit of a cold reception - some enthusiasm, but a lot of "it's not going to work, and here's why". I suspect they're up against the same.

Whether it works or not, she wants to dive into Real Church, with worship services (something in me rebels against that two-word term, as commonly used) and programmes and a mid-week prayer meeting. I've suggested she start getting folk together around a meal every week now already, before their planned get-together date of beginning of May. She thinks it's a good idea, and will try it. Yet a big part of me balks at a weekly committment - either to a meal or to Real Church or to a mid-week meeting. I've been tied down by involvement for years, and then enjoyed freedom from any kind of involvement for a good few months. I prefer the latter. Yet my "worship talents" are needed. And they want me there.

I have this pull in the opposite direction, wanting to run away from it, yet I know it's a good thing they're doing. They're stepping in where there's a serious need and trying to connect people who feel lost and lonely, who have been rejected and trampled. It could be something absolutely awesome!

So why am I so hesitant to do this? What's holding me back from giving my full support? Why do I still almost WANT to be an outsider? Am I not yet done with my journey away, still too close to seek a journey back? Or is it the programme plan that's grating on me? A fear of being labelled, and member-ized and counted?

I'll be away in Australia when they get going. I wonder if my perspective will have changed when I return...