Rifts

I can see a rift forming that I'm not sure will be fixable. It's a difference of opinion between me and some folk close to me regarding religion. Not a disgreement on doctrine or any fiddly Biblical bits, but one over what "church" is and loyalty to such church.

It's like we're facing two completely different directions. I'm looking outward, they're looking inward. I see church as who you are, they see church as where you are. I see a harvest out there requiring getting your hands dirty, they see the barn they're trying to attract the harvest to. I'm no longer answering to a church authority (at least in my head), they think that's a very bad thing.

It's hard to be the one who's different, who thinks in way-out-there directions from the norm, who isn't concerned over religions groupings. The implication is that I need to "get back to church" and be involved. But facing outwards makes me want to step away from the church building and out into the wilder, wider world. They're emphasizing like-minded groups, I'm thinking go where you're different. They want me "back in the fold". I'm feeling fenced in.

It's bugging me, this different view on things. I respect them and want them to understand where I'm at, but find it very hard to explain. I don't even know how to start explaining.

After nearly a year anti-church, I'm yet again finding myself reading emerging church blogs and thoughts, dreams and conversations, ideas and discussions. I'm slowly starting to think "Christian" thoughts again instead of getting my guard up and being cynical at anything and everything.

And I'm finding I've changed, in very big ways. I'm so different from where I was at a year ago. Completely opposite to what I was 5 years ago. And those that know me are finding it tough understanding that I've changed. They still assume my views and path will be along expected channels, when in reality I don't think they will.

This weekend I prayed a dangerous prayer - "God, surprise me! Do your thing. Amaze me. I'm open and waiting." Scary, scary stuff. Almost as bad as the "whatever" prayer I mentioned earlier this week. If He's going to truly surprise me, just imagine how surprised everyone else might be.

In the meantime though there's this rift forming, and it's widening daily. I simply don't know how to bridge it.