Views not Beliefs

Perhaps I'm losing the plot, slipping off the narrow road, falling away. Perhaps giving up church attendance has made a true back-slider out of me.

But last night I realized (with not a little horror) that I don't actually have beliefs any more. Just views. No faith, just an expectation and knowledge that there is Someone out there in control and it will all work out in the end. I just need to keep plodding.

I find myself outside the circles drawn in the sand by each and every denomination. A wanderer in the remainder of the desert, only dipping into a denominational oasis for a drink every now and then, but never pitching my tent. Not belonging, and not caring that I don't.

I find myself untroubled by fights over what's right and wrong, choosing rather to let people take whatever path they're on without me attempting to pull them off it, or even judge them for it. Perhaps because my path is so barren and dusty that I can see nothing attractive about it for others to join me here.

I know there's a God and I have my views - but I honestly can't call them beliefs. I'm not Bible-pounding firm enough in them. I just know what I know, that's all. And I don't feel like defending it.

I still think the emerging church conversation is great, and that things must change, and that rethinking life as a God-follower is essential, but all the fire about it has left me. I read, I agree, and am still where I was before. Which is kinda hard to define, but here I am.

And it's hard for me to truly internalize that the end of this world may be near - and I may not be ready for eternity after all. See, life just gets in the way every day and I'm so busy building barns and making plans and storing away what will not only rust but just plain disintegrate into dust, that when "the end is nigh!" crosses my brain I have a momentary panic attack. And then it passes and life kicks in again.

I lay in bed last night almost crushed by the sense that I can't create a conversion experience for myself - so how does one happen? Do I have to be in a church building for that? If so, I'm possibly permanently out in the cold! Do I have to put more effort into prayer and reading the Bible? If so, I'm just as likely lost - I can't seem to crack it. Do I just have to wait? Cos that's where I'm at right now. That waiting. And sitting. There's a bench next to this road I'm on that has gotten awful comfy lately.

Yeah, perhaps I'm backslidden or slipping off the narrow road or falling away. There just doesn't seem to be much I can do about it right now.