Almost-Churched and Endless Circles

At Friday night's VBS closing party, I ran into all sorts of people I know from the days when I served there constantly on the worship team (and with the youth drama, and on the worship committee, and ... well, I kinda burnt out after a while). It was good to see them again, though I could see in their eyes that they wonder where I've been - and whether I've BACKslidden...!

The pastor's wife said as I was leaving, "see you on Sunday!" and for a moment there I longed to be at church on Sunday. It was nice to belong to such a wonderful group, even though I never truly felt I was "in" there. I never became a member in all my 3 years of service, nor was I asked to, and perhaps some thought I'd gone back to my "old church" when I left.

Come Sunday morning, and I nearly, nearly went to church. Come Sunday evening and I nearly went again. But I didn't. I don't know what it is that keeps me home.

They have a wonderful group my son's age. The older youth mentor them, and the adults mentor the older youth, right on up to the little old lady who is barely still alive, but is there every week. It's the kind of group I would love my son to belong to, one where he will learn and become in ways I simply don't have the capacity to teach right now. I don't have the spiritual energy to grow him in God the way he should be at this stage, and I suspect it's gonna backfire big-time later on. If I could hand him over to others who DO have that energy it would be great - just until I can say "Christian" without my cynacism/critical attitude influencing what comes out after that. And yes, I do still consider myself Christian in spite of that - sorta. Just not a very good one. And then there's this article, that kick-started my entire journey and still haunts me, especially when it comes to taking spiritual responsibility...

Then on Saturday morning I sat down for some forced God-time. It had to be forced because I wouldn't have done it naturally, not in the past few months. (See how bad I've gotten?) I picked up some stuff I'd printed weeks ago to read, but had just let lie around. And one of them was a series of writings on "Who is your church?".

Sometimes I sit and read and everything just completely resonates with me. All I can do is nod my head and say "you've put into words what my thoughts are". I ran across one of these moments this weekend.

Amy talks in one section about her vision of the Church of God as body. She speaks of each of us having a circle of friends and influence around us. And each of our friends has a circle of friends and influence around them, creating intersecting circles. And so on, like a strand of DNA, until all our circles form the shape of cells, and organs and the Body of Christ - His Church!

I really, really like that image - how we can be inter-related without really knowing we are, how we can be part of something so big while we only see the microscopic level - and how we're all really connected into one great living being.

So I find myself torn at times between this image of random connections, multiple influences and perspectives - yet all joined. And on the other hand little cells of Christians, each in their disconnected circles - doing fine right here in our buildings and programmes thanks, but never really touching anyone else, never really becoming part of the Whole.

I used to see myself as a bridge-builder between two denominations who would normally not have spoken to each other. But that bridge was such a fine strand it has failed. They're still not speaking. They stay disconnected.

And I think that's what's kept me at home instead of sitting me in a pew lately. I want to let God move me into the ripples and circles where He wants me. I don't want to be cut off by walls from this liquid movement between and around those He holds in one Body. And I fear that going back to a building called church will take me out of the stream of life/Life that's going on outside of those walls.