Devotion, Faith and the Little Things

I find myself faithless, unable to talk or write of things God. I get into arguments online with those I know won't understand my perspective - and finally cease to respond altogether, simply changing the subject to more mundane matters. I never say what I really mean for fear of shocking and horrifying them. I tip-toe around the safe parts and leave out the rest.

I find myself unable to read of God, and humankind's experience or interpretation of Him. My mind wanders where once it absorbed, and thoughts of everyday existence take precedence over the divine. I pray, but after few words have run out of things to say.

And yet I find myself drawn to little things. The concept of hourly, set prayers. Lighting a candle, one among many glowing flames. Striking a bell or sitting in silent darkness for hours. Perhaps not as little as I thought...? I note those who create altars, those who have followed a chosen Way and see a reflection of that same devotion in others, a flash of recognition, a blinding moment of sameness. I hover around the dancers, the weavers or words, the practicers of discipline and wonder what went wrong with me. Why I no longer feel or yearn, or even yet know.

I crave the time, the tranquility, the creative flow that might produce devotion and a way to express. I crave SOMETHING to express in place of this dark emptiness. And then I don't crave anything at all. It drifts away like smoke from an extinguished wick. I mouth the words and they remain bleak. Water from a dry well (dehydrated water - just add water!). Fruit without flesh. Seeds that refuse to grow. Caring that no longer cares.

Can one create devotion, kick-start faith? Can the little things lead to a Big Thing? Or is it all just dust in the wind?