I need a... holiday? few days at the spa? new life?

It's been a hectic few days. Yes, even though I was on leave. I made a list on day one of what I wanted to get/do/source/accomplish - and got a few of those crossed off. But missed out on things like giving the kitchen floor a scrub and seeing the bank - big things! :)

And then this morning I landed running. I've been in some intensive meetings all morning, half-way through finding out I'm in trouble for attending the meetings. Because I'm supposed to be at some or other team-building exercise. Trouble is, the meetings revolve around the core of my job and affect all the policies I use. I was an Important Part of that - but it seems that while I was absent from the other things, things are being said about me. Great. (of course it's made even more horrific by my not wanting to give up a day of leave to go to yesterday's one....)

Working life is not going swimmingly. It's getting worse. Last night after a nice day my neighbour and colleague phoned, and mentioned just one thing work-related. The rest of the evening went downhill. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a deep, dark depression-filled black hole. I've been there once before and everything in me doesn't want to do it again. But I don't know how to avoid it!

When I get to work each morning I develop a headache and stomachache within 2 minutes. It only lets up when I leave the building and head up the hill to home. I literally want to kill anyone who sets foot in the door and asks anything beyond my daily tasks of me. I feel that knocking a hole in the wall with my head might be a good idea most days. Or perhaps turning up drunk. I dread each working morning, and when I see my boss/es headed this way I get sweaty hands and a racing heart - anticipating a tongue-lashing. I KNOW I'm good at my job, but am never appreciated for it. Definitely not given an incentive to strive more or go the extra mile. Instead I want nothing to do with anyone from work after-hours, nor outside my normal duty realm. Which is why I'm not at the team-building thingy. I honestly don't think I'd survive it right now.

What's the worst is this feeling of stuckness, of walking in molasses, of nothing moving forward and no way out. If I weren't a mom I'd happily give up the job and live in my car if necessary. But with a son and 2 dogs and a fish to care for, that's not an option. I have to be wise when it comes to decision-making, but my head is full of junk that I can't get past.

I thought a holiday would bring some relief. What I face on my return has more than erased any of that, in fact it's even worse.

I don't mean to be a big moan and griper, but this darkness in my heart and head has taken over my life. I don't know if there's anything I can do to shift it or if I have the ability to "just get over it" as I usually do.

So I just blog it instead.