Becoming 3-D

Listing 20 things about me a few days ago has got me pondering where I've come from, how the person that's "me" has been formed, and where I'm at now.

A little thing like the tale of the horse that threw me 5 minutes.same horse, had me wondering where that daring, wild, enthusiastic person has gone. My days used to be filled to the brim with adventure, exploration of life and the world around me, jaunts in the great outdoors, intrigue and secrets with my friends, and a whole lot more exercise than I currently get.

Now they just seem to plod on in a linear direction. Sleep, eat, work, home, sleep, eat, work, home, weekend, sleep, eat, work, home.... It's all a oneness, a sameness, a single dimension.

I feel like I'm missing out on the Really Big Stuff, the things that make life constantly worth living. Each day approached with wonderment, ready to milk it for all you can get out of it, falling into a deep untroubled sleep with dust between your toes at the end.

I wonder what happened to that 3-D girl, the one who ran free and Did Things instead of merely putting one foot in front of another. The one who dared walk a long, slippery, aluminium-powder coated water pipe over a deep gully. Or climb a tumble of balancing rocks without a rope (even though she always carried both rope and pocket-knife). The one who spent hours sitting in a tree and dreaming. The one who rode horses, who sped no-handed on her 12-speed bike down long hills, the one who had a tree house and a foofy-slide. Who dared to dream.

Where have all my dimensions gone? Has adult life completely killed them off?

I know it's possible to remain 3-D - to recapture it if you've lost it. I see folk my age and older who know how to Really Live. Who are fun to be around, who radiate joy and excitement at the mere passing of moments, every one a chance to find something new worth doing or seeing or experiencing. They dance with abandon, they laugh out loud, they savour their meals and preserve their relationships.

Have I lost that much?

I want to be 3-D again. I don't want "life" to take over, I want to truly live. I want to re-learn to splash through puddles, run my hands over rough bark simply to feel it, indulge in a lengthy meal and good conversation without clock-watching. I want to feel wind in my hair (other than the darned South-Easter) and movement under my feet, to watch my shadow flick over the landscape and feel free again. I want to breathe deeply and remember how to love, to feel like a magnificent woman instead of just a shell that keeps my essential bits all in one place.

I think I need to buy a bike.