Renewal

I'm still in "thinking over the new year" mode, so bear with me - or move on. :)

I think what my innermost soul is longing for has a lot to do with renewal.

I've got images floating around my mind, things I want.

A meditation cushion, made from real linen and filled with buckwheat hulls, in a quiet corner of my room - just to sit and be me for a stretch. It's a rebirthing of who I feel I am inside, starting with centering silence to know what's really going on in my head.

A work that makes my heart glad. Working with my hands, crafting things of beauty, things of nature, things of health and wellbeing. A work I will spring into each day without a sinking sense of doom - and one that will adequately supply my needs instead of being just short (so we won't get deeper into debt with the bank each month just to survive). A work that feeds my soul as well as my living.

A space filled with things I love - a home more than a house, and one that I've struggled for years to achieve. I see things I've made myself, beautiful things, everywhere I turn - yet they exist only in my mind's eye thus far.

A personal place for my son to grow and become. A room of his own, that he can make his own. A place for me to respect his privacy, and for others to be barred entry if he so desires. A place for him to set limits and learn the power that is his.

A body that glows with health instead of vague aches, pains and ongoing nearly-there dis-ease. One that is nourished and rested and exercised. (Specifically I see a juicer-machine and a walk up the mountain every morning...:) )

I guess what I'm seeking is inner and outer renewal, a shedding of the old skin I've grown too comfy in.

In CS Lewis's book "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" (Narnia series), Eustace becomes a dragon, and has to be stripped of his old dragon skin to become human again. He tries and tries, and sheds skin after skin. But every time he looks into the pool, his reflection is still dragonish. To become human again, it requires Aslan's claws, deep incisions to the heart of him, tearing off more than mere skin to expose something delicate and pink underneath, far below the layers. Only then, once he is peeled and cleansed, can change occur. It "hurts like the blazes", but it's worth it.

Perhaps that's the kind of renewal I'm looking for, without really knowing it. A deep tearing into the layers I've grown, the hard and scaly skin I've developed, down to the raw and sensitive me - and then a rebuilding of who I am into something new and wonderful.

And perhaps only Aslan can achieve that....