What I did this summer

If I were to write an essay on what I did with my summer holidays (all 2 weeks of them), it would be a rather short one. Just as the holiday has been.

Week one was all about finishing off the Xmas prezzies, getting couches cleaned and feeding the ever-hungry kid.

Week two was all about getting ready for my mom's funeral and dad's arrival.

I'm currently at work, printing out the programmes for tomorrow. There's a colour printer/copier here, which is supposed to be doing the job. But somehow my connection to it is kaput, no reaction from the machine - so all 150 copies are being slow-printed on my HPDeskJet... After which the interior will be photocopied. It's taking a looooong time to print, so while I'm here I may as well blog.

I was supposed to be back at work tomorrow, but with mom's funeral I've postponed it for a day. Once I am back, it's going to be a mad rush for the rest of January - and there's also dad to look after, my son to get back to school, fees to pay, articles to submit... January is one long, tiring expedition into hard work and stress.

I was really hoping to sit down and get some quiet alone time this holiday, to sort out my head, to plan and think. Hard to do with the PS2 going in the background, the phone ringing, people dropping by, things to organize. I may have to do that thinking at work instead. Most of my colleagues only come back in a week's time, giving me a little space to get back into the swing of the working year.

And it is going to be a different year in a lot of ways. Where I've been muddling along, will come purpose. Where I've taken cr*p, will come a sense of self that doesn't allow it, refuses to be beaten into submission. Where I've failed to live, a deeper committment to life will kick in. And who knows - I may even go back to church now and then! I went with my dad and son this past week, and was surprised to find I survived it well.

We'll see though. I've started the year feeling very unspiritual, tired of caring whether I'm doing right or wrong, tired of trying to figure God out, tired of most of the Christians I find myself surrounded by, tired of having to put on a face that conforms to their rules. I just want to throw up my hands and forget the whole spiritual thing - but I know I can't. I simply need to find a new way, a way that's right for me.

What I've done this summer isn't much of what I planned, but I've discovered I'm getting pretty good at letting go. Letting the past go to move on, letting a sense of failure go in order to press toward success, letting not-so-subtle digs in the soul's ribs go as "their" problem, not mine. I'm learning to release instead of clutch - let go of stuff I've held on to, let go of years-old dreams. It's making space for new life, new plans, new goals and dreams.

And whatever I have or haven't done this summer, I think I may have accomplished more than I set out to do.