The post that will be, anyway

To heck with my previous post. I don't have nuttin' to hide. So here's another post on...

SEX (usual warnings apply)

No, there's been no rain on my drought, so to speak. But my brain is still working overtime on this subject. I'm finding it fascinating to compare my attitudes/ideas about sex at age 34 with those I had at 19/20. (My views may not correlate to yours!)

At 19/20, sex was just something every guy wanted (or seemed to), that you either did or didn't do, that may not have been particularly enjoyable - but what could you do about that anyway. You weren't sure about your body, you were perhaps scared to ask big questions, and most sex was high-risk hope-nothing-happens stuff. If you were doing it, you weren't supposed to (it was wrong, Wrong, WRONG to even think about doing that kind of thing before marriage, or getting to any kind of bases). If you weren't doing it, you started looking around for a husband.

But at 34, I seem to have gained a better perspective on things. Or maybe just a different one. I'm more comfortable in my skin, for one thing. Fat or thin, wobbly or firm, I know who I am inside & out and don't need to seek approval through giving up myself for others to use. Sure, I haven't done anything for 9 years (well, not anything, but you know what I mean). However, I'm finally in control. It's a good place to be operating from - knowing your power and what you can do with it. I'm wiser when it comes to my heart's involvement, and know what I can and can't do with my emotions, as well as my body. I know which parts of me to guard and which to let loose. (My imagination seems to have had a re-birth, but we won't go there) I'm "better safe than sorry" in my thinking too. If sex were on the cards, I'd have the audacity to ask about history/testing and insist on a condom. I'd even carry a condom myself (as someone once said, it's better to have a condom and not need one than to need a condom and not have one!) instead of expecting my partner to do so.

No, I'm not partnering! :) Before you go get the wrong idea and all. But I am at the stage where I could do so and still know what I'm doing. I guess I'm all growed up!

I can see why women are said to "peak" later than men. It takes us a while to be comfortable in our skins, to get over the hormones that govern the teens and twenties, and to relax into our womanness. Once we do, we are better able to enjoy being ourselves, and that can only mean a greater enjoyment of intimacy.

Right? Or am I completely whacked out on last week's paint fumes still? :)

Anyway, apart from the sex part of things, I've realized I know more about intimacy and relationship now too. Not that I've been in one in a while, but hey - one can learn without being hands-on, you know!

I've been avoiding getting involved with anyone for many years now, too scared I'd fall back into old destructive patterns of being used and dumped, disrespected, hurt. I don't get lonely, I'm totally self-sufficient, don't need anyone...

But every now and then I think I'm ready to try again, to trust and love and let someone in. To bare who I really am (perhaps even the real me under the artfully-draped layers of problem-disguising clothing!). To actually say what I feel and be one of two. Dunno, perhaps my head's going soft in my old age. I'm losing it. :)

Well, that's the post that almost wasn't. Yes, about sex. But a whole lot milder than you probably expected!