Fear & Trembling / Hope & Open Doors

I have an opportunity to make big change. It's just the change I've needed, but suddenly I find myself very scared!

It could happen before I've prepared for it. I may have to reorganize my life entirely, and thoroughly, and the kid's life too. It will be uncomfortable at first, that's guaranteed. It affects everything in this rut I've trod deep and wide. And yet it's what I've wanted. What I was hoping to find - just a whole lot sooner than I expected.

This morning, contemplating the possibilities - I almost ended up turning away rather than deal head-on with it. Comfy in the rut, and all that. Yet I cannot. I can't let that fear paralyze me when this could be just what is needed.

Today I'm taking some really deep breaths. Working past the fear of change and the lack of confidence in myself to handle it with panache. I'm getting there - but only because I realized that often the fear of something happening is greater than the actual event.

Wish me luck! Closing my eyes and jumping in...

::upadte::
A good lunch and a piece of fudge has been known to do wonders for the soul - and indeed it helped today. Also had a chance to sit down with the kid and test the waters as to how he sees things going down if Big Change is required (our two-person family is run as a democracy if it's something that affects both of us). He's as ready for it as I am!

I've also realized that there's never any harm in trying, and that I'm further down the road toward change than I thought I was. I've already investigated quite a few things on my long list of things to check out, and the fewer loose ends I'm left with the better I'll feel.

Funny how change comes and slaps you upside the head sometimes though...

Last weekend I was sitting thinking, and realized that much of my life has been taking what comes to me. Both jobs I've had have come looking for me, without effort on my part. There's very little I've actually gone after and acquired or achieved. But that's changing. I'm slowly getting back the sense of self required to work for what I want, what I deserve and what I need. And taking less of what is thrown my way that doesn't fit my ideal. As ever, it's a learning curve (seem to be on a whole lot of those lately). But a very good one. I know I'm going to come out stronger on the other end.

So here's to change. Big and little. And deep breaths! :)

(And one more update... if you're one to read signs, just got a small one. I think I'm headed on the right track)