Fear/Regret

I don't usually wake up, get up and blog all within minutes of each other, but this morning's an exception.

I woke up with a terrible sense of fear this morning. Throat-constricting, heart-stopping fear. It came at the end of a dream.

I dreamt I had done something that was wrong to a group of people (as far as I can remember it was that I hadn't reported the full amount of production from milking cows... but that's beside the point). It was a minor offence, one I didn't even know I could be guilty of. But I had been sentanced to die, within the hour.

It was to happen on-stage in a small hall, with observers - a bit like a church meeting, I think they were even singing hyms to kick off the gathering.... I was to be tied up, bound hands to ankles - and decapitated! My dad was there - resignedly supporting the execution because there was no way of fighting it - and leading the singing.

As they were preparing my execution, do you know what I was doing? I was copy-pasting the text of my sentance to my blogs to let all of you know why I'd disappeared. I was emailing key people to tell them goodbye and that I loved them. I was contacting friends who would be able to spread the word to other friends. I was panicking over saying the things I should always have said - but now suddenly didn't have enough time to. As they laid me on the execution table, I was still shouting to my dad to tell this person one thing, another person something else - to make sure my messages got through. And then the terror kicked in, just before I awoke. Strong enough to have me struggle for breath just before my eyes opened.

I'm sure this dream was a result of a fear of not embracing the moment - of ending life wishing I'd said or done things that now it was too late for. But it was a wake-up call (literally! :-) 2 minutes before my alarm went off...) to remember that tomorrow is not guaranteed, and I need to live today.

Sure, there are still things that hold me back - that make me cautious and unable to delve into doing or saying what I would like to. There's an innate protection button that tries to override gut-feel and compulsion. But I'm trying to let myself go more and more - to give myself permission to experience life to its fullest, to live in the moment.

I hope I can get it right today.