Instinct

I live a lot of my life by instinct, by gut-feel. From day one I've parented by instinct, somehow knowing what to do and what not to do. I gave birth by instinct too - having never gone to one of those "sit in a circle and breathe" classes (which are also a bit awkward to attend if you're going solo). Dealing with the teen years is following the same vein - going with the flow and carving out the path that seems best each day.

Many times I've done things that seemed crazy to others, but which just felt right to me - so I went ahead with them. Like putting in an offer on a gorgeous old Landy... :) Nearly every day I trust my gut with some decision or other, doing what might be called "winging it" in some situations, but what I'd call following a marked path that simply felt better than the other options.

Along with instinct, I've trusted things like the certainty I woke up with last week that I need to do the Camino (which has since evolved considerably, but that's fodder for another post). I believe my subconcious often urges me on when my concious decisions won't or can't. I take note of vivid night time dreams and daydreams. I let my imagination explore options as far as it will go - and have been told I aim too high sometimes as a result.

I'd like to live entirely by instinct - but now and then the practical/logic switch in my head attempts to override my gut feel. It says "you can't be serious - you'll never pull that one off! You don't deserve that, you're not good enough to do it" and in spite of knowing I am and can, sometimes I listen. Even though I know it's the times I don't listen that pay off in big ways!

I've noticed that I'm more cautious in heart matters than in life-changing decisions. I'll throw caution to the wind when it comes to the really big stuff - but in issues of trust and letting people in, I often block my instinct. Perhaps it's a fear of being betrayed or misunderstood, hurt or shunned. Easier to build up defenses than to expose the soft bits of who you are. Yet I know my instinct is often right. When it's told me of danger, it's been spot-on time after time. When I let it direct an openness of soul, I'm seldom disappointed.

It's something I struggle with though. As much as I want to live with open hands, open heart and nothing to hide, it sometimes takes a lot of effort for that to happen. It requires a concious overriding of that somewhat illogical logic button, the stiff upper lip of practicality, to simply let go and follow those instinctive promptings deep inside. To take the risks of getting stomped on, knowing that it could very well be worth it.

I'm working on a bypass switch for the head - one that will kill what keeps me back and let me live with abandon in every aspect of life, come what may. Soon I hope it will be fully installed and permanently operational. I know that will to lead to experiences I can barely wrap my mind around, better than I could ever imagine.