Really, it's not that bad. It's just that tonight my soul's on edge. I don't even know what set it off, whether it was a long, tiring day, a check-in on a piece of music that always gets to me, or just way too much thinking.
Yes, I'm generally happy and content - still dreaming big and imagining things others think I'm crazy to reach for. Yet on nights like this my heart is restless. Perhaps it's when reality strikes and all those things I want seem just out of my reach.
Sometimes I get glimpses of the way I'd like things to be. Dreams my feet itch to follow and feelings that come tied to a place, a time or a way of being. Mere milliseconds of thought, yet they stick in my veins and slow down the steady pumping of my heart until I feel completely trapped. It's silly - I know that some things take time, that other things I may never reach but can only try. I know I'm heading in the right direction too. All these are certainties. Yet now and then I feel like I'm swimming in syrup, and not getting any closer to what I desire. It's a battle that seems more lost than won, with odds stacked so far against me that I don't know how I keep up the hope that I can win.
And it's on nights like this that I shouldn't be blogging. I should simply get up from in front of this glowing screen that sucks my thoughts out into written form, and go wash those dishes.
Yup, I think I'd better.
::update::
Of course, hot on the heels of any discouragement comes wisdom via email:
You don't have to buy from anyone.
You don't have to work at any particular job.
You don't have to participate in any given relationship.
You can choose.
You steer the course you choose in the direction
of where you want to be today, tomorrow,
or in a distant time to come.
You hold the tiller.
You can decide to alter the course of your life at any time.
No one can ever take that away from you.
You can decide what you want and go after it.
It's always your next move.
- THE DAILY GURU
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