Insomnia & Trust

Perhaps I shouldn't be blogging at this hour - a time when I'm usually at least in bed, perhaps asleep - but I'm up, and I'm blogging. I haven't had much rest this week, sleeping at night for an hour or so solidly, then tossing and turning for the remainder, up around 5 to wander the garden. Yes, it's been warm at night which makes for restlessness, but more than the physical environment, my mind's been going in overdrive again.

I really wish I could just switch it off sometimes. Just stop thinking and second-guessing my gut feel on things. Simply learn to Trust - in what I feel, in what I know, in my worthiness and abilities to achieve things I dream of. And trust in the people who surround me too.

It's been a rocky road at times - I had my trust broken so many times in the past, and it's hard to bring myself to let go without fear. Yet I know much of the time I'm just being silly - I'm frightened of shadows without substance, trying too hard to keep myself safe. From people, from big steps to prospectively amazing future opportunities, from myself - the one who dares to dream.

Instead of letting the mind whirl tonight, I'm blogging it out. Cleansing the system of doubt and circling thoughts (though much simply cannot be said here), and hopefully tiring me out enough to rest completely and fully tonight. Of course it would be helpful to not only have a big fat crystal ball, but also an instruction manual as to what next. A scarless heart would help too, one that doesn't cower half as much.

The thing is I'm facing some big choices. If it were only me affected, they would be easy. But any path I choose ripples through the lives of others. Already I've faced stiff opposition in one area, had extreme caution urged in another. I don't know how far my rights extend to creating those waves, whether I should simply follow my gut feel and ignore the naysaying, or whether there's some value in their opinion I should be considering.

And that's where trusting myself comes in. Being willing to follow my heart without fear, doing what I know to be needed, wanted, desired, necessary - without being scared off by something applying mental brakes. I'm struggling with it.

And herein too lies the cause of my insomnia, probably. This going around in circles trying to figure out just what the heck I need to do.

But you know what my gut feel says most of all? That I need to take a big step back, a bigger breath and stop over-analzying everything. That it will come right in the end, the way it's supposed to happen, and my task is simply to keep moving forward with my eyes on the goal/s.

And that's the thought I'm going to take to bed with me, right now. I really hope it works - I can't afford another tired-out headachey day.

::update::
Waddaya know - it actually worked. I got a pretty good night's rest, though I haven't caught up on sleep yet.