Failure

My mind is a tangle of turmoil tonight - blogging probably isn't the thing I should be doing with this, but nevertheless.

That word FAILURE seems to be trying to break right through me. Crack me open and apart, scatter my life to the wind.

I'm a tumult of doubt. Am I doing the right thing? Can I really do this? What if..? Do I have the strength, the skills, the courage? What if..?

I keep thinking that there's only me in this. No-one to fall back on if it all goes pearshaped. No-one to take over if I can't cope, if I am truly a failure at what I'm trying to do. I don't trust where I'm at with one of my skills, I can't seem to get the knowledge I need into my head, it's just pouring out again without anything sticking, without anything making sense. Me and my son - our lives revolve around me getting it right. But what if I can't? What if I really really suck at this?

I have confidence in one aspect of what I'm doing. Increasingly none in another. What if...? What if this is all wrong? But if it is - then was I doomed to trudge a going-nowhere rut forever? What if I can't find a home, a car that doesn't run on hope? What if I'm not as strong as I thought I was? What if I'm just a dumb blonde after all?

Failure. I've been called that so many times before - sometimes out loud, sometimes in a stage whisper. I've been made to feel it. Knocked down in spirit because I'm not good enough. Because I don't fit in. It's high school all over again, coming back to haunt me. It's those first hesitant steps as a newly 21-year old single mom. It's frustration at never getting where I want to go, at having to throw my dreams off the cliff and hear them die one by one. It's rejection and lonliness and inadequacy all rolled into a big ball. (It's probably low blood sugar too)

Tonight I just feel like opting out of having to do this on my own. The fear is back, the doubt is back, the worries piled up high. Too much to do, too many loose ends to tie up, too much to face in the next few weeks, and me feeling insignificant and small. I can't show it. I hide my face and turn my head so those around me can't see the panic, the tears, the fear. I can't let anyone see that I'm sometimes terrified.

This too shall pass, but apparently not tonight.