(s)He who hesistates...

I hate asking for help. I don't like bothering people or throwing them out of their plans, making them go out of their way. I tend to be timid when it comes to asking for things. Even things that are my just due (like payment for a project). This was seriously whacked into my head during yesterday's Olivia episode - brought home yet again that sometimes it's not so good to be stubbornly independent.

Yes, I was helped - in many ways by many people. But my old habit of saying, "no, don't worry, I'm fine" fought the offers that I received and I had to beat it down with a big stick.

I've been trying to figure out why I'm so hesitant when it comes to requesting assistance. And I think it's a combination of a lot of things. Shyness, years of being seen as "nothing" by a certain societal group, coupled with the practical need to be self-sufficient as an unsupported single mom. Yes, it means I make myself do things that others may allow to be done for them - and get an immense sense of satisfaction from that. It means I don't roll over and play dead, but soldier through situations. But it also means that I sometimes end up frustrated and in tears because I can't do something myself and am too damn stubborn to accept the help of those who can.

Truth is I need to sort out aspects of this attitude in a big way. I'm happy to be all independent and strong and stuff, but need to get it through my thick skull that sometimes it's OK to need a helping hand.

Call it a work in progress.